I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

A rowdy William Shakespeare walks in to a pub

The landlord says "Oi, you're Bard!"

Shakespeare walks into a bar

[Exit, pursued by a bear]

Shakespeare and Lord Byron at the gates of Heaven

Shakespeare and Lord Byron get to the gates of heaven at the same time but St Peter regrets to confirm that they only have one vacancy left. He decides to let them compete for the one spot in a poem writing competition. He gives the task to include "Timbuktu" in an improvised poem. Lord Byron goes f...

Shakespeare is visiting his friend who lives in an apartment building. He remembers that he said they were on the second floor in room B. He walks up the stairs and finds the room, but upon reaching to knock, he hesitates and wonders if his friend said he was on the second floor or third floor:

He thinks too himself “2B or not 2B?”
That is the question!

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

We all heard that saying where if a million monkey banging on a million typewriter will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.

Now thank to the internet we know it’s not true.

Did you know that Shakespeare once made a performance about puns?

It was a play on words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the bookshop and I said to the assistant "I'm looking for a play by Shakespeare"

She said "Which one?" and I said "William!"

Dumb bitch.

Who Is the Greatest Chicken-killer in Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because to be fair he did murder most foul.

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

What do you call a 2d Shakespeare?

Shakecircle

The past tense of William Shakespeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

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Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:

Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.

Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.

I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.

By William S...

Do you know what the difference is between Shakespeare and Eminem?

Eminem had no ghostwriter

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

I saw a couple of kids having an argument about Shakespeare

One was yelling about Macbeth. The other was yelling about Hamlet.

I thought it was much ado about nothing.

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse



*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

A Person walks into a bookstore and says "Can I have a book by Shakespeare?" The bookkeeper replies, "Of Course sir, which one?"

William.

William Shakespeare is Meeting Felipe III, the Spanish king at the time...

And after a great first meeting, he finds themselves becoming fast friends. However, he is unsure how now to address his new friend. By his first name? By his title? With deference or informally?
He struggles and struggles.
Finally, after a long sleepless night, he begins to think a quick and ...

Why did Shakespeare use ink when he wrote his plays?

Because he couldn’t decide which pencil to use; 2B or not 2B.

If Shakespeare was a doctor

TB or not TB...

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William Shakespeare once said "Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late"

My wife disagrees.

It's really put a strain on our sex life.

Shakespeare loved to play video games...

His favorite was Sonnet the hedgehog

William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.

It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, and a Redditor all meet up in heaven one day

Eventually, the conversation turns to the impact their literature had on the world.

Herman Melville starts boasting. He says “I wrote 15 books, and my book “Moby Dick” is still studied in schools and famous to this day”.

William Shakespeare interjects: “That’s nothing! Why, I wrote 192...

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

A woman walks into a local book shop

She wants to read a classic, and is excited to find a copy of Jane Eyre. When she goes to pay, the owner tells her, “I’m so sorry, that wasn’t supposed to be for sale. I mean to gift it to my daughter.”

She goes to find another book and come across a collection of Shakespeare plays. She goes ...

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sex with me is like Shakespeare..."

It was forced upon you in middle school.

YOUR TURN: "Sex with me is like shakespeare: ________________."

**Edit: Start your own at [/r/sexwithme](http://www.reddit.com/r/sexwithme/)

Did you know that William Shakespeare died on the same day he was born?

He must have been a fast writer!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did William Shakespeare write in 1598?

95% of the jokes on this fucking sub

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Shakespeare - Its better to have loved and lost,

than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

What do you call it when Shakespeare has a wet dream?

Mid summer Night’s cream

What horror movie would Shakespeare find hilarious?

The Thing

What do you call an Islamic militant Shakespeare?

The Allahu Ak-Bard.

William Shakespeare takes a potion and is propelled into the modern age.

Smart as ever, he rapidly learns the global situation in politics and entertainment and even becomes highly Internet literate.
He discovers that a famous actress has been named after his wife Anne Hathaway. He decides she is extremely beautiful but wants to meet her in person to determine if s...

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

In an alternate universe, Shakespeare’s writings are the easiest to understand

But basic dialogue... is for prose.

Why did Shakespeare get so many bacterial infections?

Because he only had quillicillin

Shakespeare was at the store looking for pencils, but he couldn’t decide which ones to buy.

2B or not 2B; that was the question.

William Shakespeare once manned the welcome desk at a popular hotel

One day an elderly man walked up to the desk and asked for a room.


Shakespeare quickly found a room available on the second floor and asked him if this is the room he wished to book. The forgetful, ancient individual stared at Shakespeare for several uncomfortable seconds.

"I'm so...

What do you call Shakespeare’s works in Mecca?

Islamic pentameter

If you give an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters an infinite amount of time, they will eventually recreate all of Shakespeare's masterpieces accidentally...

But give them five minutes, and they'll have the script of The Last Jedi.

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day.

When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

Shakespeare told us who he was all along. . .

BIC PENTAMETER. Its all over his works: I AM BIC PENTAMETER

How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident?

As many as it takes /r/jokes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)^^^♻

If Shakespeare was a pun master

Then he would make a play on words

Comparisons

Q. What's the difference between Shakespeare and Panic At The Disco?

A. Shakespeare writes Tragedies not Sins.

At a Bass Pro Shop

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod for her son's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. An associate is standing there in dark shades. She says "Excuse me, could you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says "...

Hey Shakespeare, are you writing your next play in pentameter?

Iamb.

What did William Shakespeare say regarding atomic orbitals?

"2p or not 2p, that is the question."

What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait?

2B or not 2B?

Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...

...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The English substitute

A school teacher came down with a bad case of the flu and asked the school for a substitute for her class.
The school also had to train a new intern, so they killed two birds with one stone and made the intern take the class.


Problem was though, the intern didn’t know English literatur...

Why did Shakespeare break up with his girlfriend?

Prose before hoes.

What do you call a soldier who is nervous in battle and wields a long weapon?

Shakespeare

What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop?

Now is the winter of our discount tents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Punctuation

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at the bowlegged man." Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, th...

What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis?

TB or not TB, that is the question.

What did Shakespeare say when Mr. Big proposed to him?

"Noth"

Why was Shakespeare always a good teammate to have?

Because no matter the sport, he would always play write

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.

“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.

A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!”

The father, quite upset now turn...

A Woman Goes To Buy A Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I don't like drama," my ex told me.

Right, bitch has a whole shelf of Shakespeare.

A boy and his mom

A boy and his mom were walking down the street and the boy pulled on his mom's arm and said, "Mom look! There's a bow-legged man over there!"

His mother shushed him quickly telling him it's not nice to call people bow-legged.

A week later they were walking together and he pulls on his...

I was having trouble with my English homework...

There were almost 20 questions on Shakespeare's Hamlet I did not understand, so I asked my friend Jim for some help:

"Jim am I supposed to answer the one after 2 a) or just skip it till we get back to class?"

"Oh I did 2 a), it's really easy."

"No, dude, the one AFTER 2 a)."...

What is Shakespeare's favourite writing utensil?

I don't know, but it was either 2B or not 2B.

What does Shakespeare's dog eat?

Iambs!

A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.

After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.

The son lifts his face from his palms and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy and his mother were walking down the sidewalk when they encountered a bow legged man.

The bpy pointed his finger at the bloke and yelled out: "Look, mother, a bow legged man!"


His mother was surprised, took her son's hand; and hurriedly walked home.


Upon arrival, she reprimanded the little boy and told him that he would receive a worse punishment next time we wa...

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