The 84+ Best Shakespeare Jokes

What did Shakespeare call his shower

McBath

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

The past tense of William Shakespeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

William Shakespeare died before completing the final act of his last play.

It was a real tragedy.

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

I saw a couple of kids having an argument about Shakespeare

One was yelling about Macbeth. The other was yelling about Hamlet.

I thought it was much ado about nothing.

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'

'William, of course' replies the man.

What do Shakespeare and attention seekers have in common?

They're great at creating drama and much ado about nothing.

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

What's the difference between Shakespeare and Panic At The Disco?

Shakespeare writes Tragedies not Sins.

Why did Shakespeare stop in front of the bathroom?

Because he couldn’t decide whether to pee, or not to pee

Who Is The Greatest Chicken-Killer In Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because he did murder most fowl.

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate

US: [translation] you're like summer... hot

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

I'm about to embark on a huge art conquest of Shakespeare's work and am undecided on which pencil to use...

2B or not 2B

What did Shakespeare have for breakfast?

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Hamlet.

Did you know that Shakespeare once made a performance about puns?

It was a play on words.

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Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:

Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.

Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.

I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.

By William S...

Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction

Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b

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William and Shakespeare...

Were traveling together and came across a small village. Both being poets, the crowd of people wanted to know whom was the best poet and conducted a contest amongst William and Shakespeare. Shakespeare, with smugness, decided to go first. The mayor gave Shakespeare the word, "Timbuktu" to come up wi...

Apparently, they once sat William Shakespeare in front of an infinite number of typewriters.

After a week, he had written "ooh aahh ooh ooh"

How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.

A rowdy William Shakespeare walks in to a pub

The landlord says "Oi, you're Bard!"

What did Shakespeare's dog say to him when he was taken to the vet?

From the windows
To the walls
Till the Vet
Cuts off my balls

William Shakespeare once manned the welcome desk at a popular hotel

One day an elderly man walked up to the desk and asked for a room.

Shakespeare quickly found a room available on the second floor and asked him if this is the room he wished to book. The forgetful, ancient individual stared at Shakespeare for several uncomfortable seconds.

"I'm so...

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"Sex with me is like Shakespeare..."

It was forced upon you in middle school.

YOUR TURN: "Sex with me is like shakespeare: ________________."

**Edit: Start your own at [/r/sexwithme](http://www.reddit.com/r/sexwithme/)

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Shakespeare joke

(Disclaimer: This one isn't original, but I don't think I've seen it here)

Little Johnny is at the mall with his mom. He sees a man with bow legs and points to him and says "Mom, what's wrong with that man's legs?" She's horrified and tells him, "Johnny, that's rude, you should never point...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, and a Redditor all meet up in heaven one day

Eventually, the conversation turns to the impact their literature had on the world.

Herman Melville starts boasting. He says “I wrote 15 books, and my book “Moby Dick” is still studied in schools and famous to this day”.

William Shakespeare interjects: “That’s nothing! Why, I wrote 192...

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did William Shakespeare write in 1598?

95% of the jokes on this fucking sub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shakespeare - Its better to have loved and lost,

than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day.

When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to ma...

Shakespeare goes into a clinic with a fever and asks

Flu B or not Flu B?

We all heard that saying where if a million monkey banging on a million typewriter will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.

Now thank to the internet we know it’s not true.

What did Shakespeare eat for lunch?

Caesar salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Detective Shakespeare and his new partner Jameson are on a case...

the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle...

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

Shakespeare never actually used a quill to write his work, he used a pen because

It could write in i-am-bic pen-tameter

3/15 is The Ides of March. Do you know what time it officially starts?

“At two”

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If ya love Shakespeare then ya love a groaner. Enjoy!

William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.

It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

William Shakespeare once said "Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late"

My wife disagrees.

It's really put a strain on our sex life.

What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop?

Now is the winter of our discount tents

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare.

3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays?

Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.

A Person walks into a bookstore and says "Can I have a book by Shakespeare?" The bookkeeper replies, "Of Course sir, which one?"

William.

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the bookshop and I said to the assistant "I'm looking for a play by Shakespeare"

She said "Which one?" and I said "William!"

Dumb bitch.

Why did Shakespeare use ink when he wrote his plays?

Because he couldn’t decide which pencil to use; 2B or not 2B.

This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse

*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

Shakespeare was at the store looking for pencils, but he couldn’t decide which ones to buy.

2B or not 2B; that was the question.

Why did Shakespeare get so many bacterial infections?

Because he only had quillicillin

What do you call Shakespeare’s works in Mecca?

Islamic pentameter

Shakespeare walks into a bar

[Exit, pursued by a bear]

William Shakespeare is Meeting Felipe III, the Spanish king at the time...

And after a great first meeting, he finds themselves becoming fast friends. However, he is unsure how now to address his new friend. By his first name? By his title? With deference or informally?
He struggles and struggles.
Finally, after a long sleepless night, he begins to think a quick and ...

What do you call it when Shakespeare has a wet dream?

Mid summer Night’s cream

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

What do you call an Islamic militant Shakespeare?

The Allahu Ak-Bard.

Hey Shakespeare, are you writing your next play in pentameter?

Iamb.

Shakespeare told us who he was all along. . .

BIC PENTAMETER. Its all over his works: I AM BIC PENTAMETER

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

If Shakespeare was a pun master

Then he would make a play on words

How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident?

As many as it takes /r/jokes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)^^^♻

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

What size drum sticks does William Shakespeare use?

2B, or not 2B.

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

What horror movie would Shakespeare find hilarious?

The Thing

If you give an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters an infinite amount of time, they will eventually recreate all of Shakespeare's masterpieces accidentally...

But give them five minutes, and they'll have the script of The Last Jedi.

What did William Shakespeare say regarding atomic orbitals?

"2p or not 2p, that is the question."

What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait?

2B or not 2B?

What is the best thing about taking a date to see a play by Shakespeare?

Getting to know her afterwords.

Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...

...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".

Why was Shakespeare always a good teammate to have?

Because no matter the sport, he would always play write

Why did Shakespeare break up with his girlfriend?

Prose before hoes.

What does Shakespeare's dog eat?

Iambs!

Do you know what the difference is between Shakespeare and Eminem?

Eminem had no ghostwriter

What is Shakespeare's favourite writing utensil?

I don't know, but it was either 2B or not 2B.

What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis?

TB or not TB, that is the question.

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