In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

Why did Shakespeare write in ink?

Pencils were confusing to him. 2B or not 2B?

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

What did Shakespeare have for breakfast?

.
.
Hamlet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:

Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.

Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.

I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.

By William S...

I walked into the book store and asked the guy, “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”

Bookseller: Of course. Which one?

Me: William.

What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

A rowdy William Shakespeare walks in to a pub

The landlord says "Oi, you're Bard!"

The past tense of William Shakespeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

What did Shakespeare say when he couldn't identify the pencil?

2B or not 2B

Apparently, they once sat William Shakespeare in front of an infinite number of typewriters.

After a week, he had written "ooh aahh ooh ooh"

They say 1 million monkeys with 1 million keyboards can produce the entire works of Shakespeare...

...Thanks to the internet we now know that's not true

How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.

I'm about to embark on a huge art conquest of Shakespeare's work and am undecided on which pencil to use...

2B or not 2B

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare.

Everyone's making a big deal about how the second person to receive the Covid 19 vaccine was named William Shakespeare

But I think it's much ado about nothing.

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

I saw a couple of kids having an argument about Shakespeare

One was yelling about Macbeth. The other was yelling about Hamlet.

I thought it was much ado about nothing.

A village idiot walks into a library

He goes to the librarian and says, "Ma'am, I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare."

The librarian says, "Sure, hon. Which one?"

The idiot says, "William".

Did you know that Shakespeare once made a performance about puns?

It was a play on words.

Steven Spielberg died and went to Heaven.

"Thank goodness you made it to Heaven!" said St. Peter. "God is producing a movie and He wants you to direct it."

"Directing movies was what I did in my mortal life," said Spielberg. "This is my eternal life. I want my eternal life to be relaxing."

"I haven't told you about the film cr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shakespeare - Its better to have loved and lost,

than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

What did Shakespeare eat for lunch?

Caesar salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Detective Shakespeare and his new partner Jameson are on a case...

the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle...

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me ...

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays?

Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

We all heard that saying where if a million monkey banging on a million typewriter will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.

Now thank to the internet we know it’s not true.

Who Is the Greatest Chicken-killer in Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because to be fair he did murder most foul.

Shakespeare and Lord Byron at the gates of Heaven

Shakespeare and Lord Byron get to the gates of heaven at the same time but St Peter regrets to confirm that they only have one vacancy left. He decides to let them compete for the one spot in a poem writing competition. He gives the task to include "Timbuktu" in an improvised poem. Lord Byron goes f...

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I was in the bookshop and I said to the assistant "I'm looking for a play by Shakespeare"

She said "Which one?" and I said "William!"

Dumb bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, and a Redditor all meet up in heaven one day

Eventually, the conversation turns to the impact their literature had on the world.

Herman Melville starts boasting. He says “I wrote 15 books, and my book “Moby Dick” is still studied in schools and famous to this day”.

William Shakespeare interjects: “That’s nothing! Why, I wrote 192...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did William Shakespeare write in 1598?

95% of the jokes on this fucking sub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

William Shakespeare once said "Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late"

My wife disagrees.

It's really put a strain on our sex life.

Shakespeare loved to play video games...

His favorite was Sonnet the hedgehog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

William Shakespeare once manned the welcome desk at a popular hotel

One day an elderly man walked up to the desk and asked for a room.


Shakespeare quickly found a room available on the second floor and asked him if this is the room he wished to book. The forgetful, ancient individual stared at Shakespeare for several uncomfortable seconds.

"I'm so...

William Shakespeare chewed on his pencil so much...

...that eventually he couldn't tell if it was 2B or not 2B.

Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

A Person walks into a bookstore and says "Can I have a book by Shakespeare?" The bookkeeper replies, "Of Course sir, which one?"

William.

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.

It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

Did you know that William Shakespeare died on the same day he was born?

He must have been a fast writer!

Shakespeare walks into a bar

[Exit, pursued by a bear]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sex with me is like Shakespeare..."

It was forced upon you in middle school.

YOUR TURN: "Sex with me is like shakespeare: ________________."

**Edit: Start your own at [/r/sexwithme](http://www.reddit.com/r/sexwithme/)

William Shakespeare is Meeting Felipe III, the Spanish king at the time...

And after a great first meeting, he finds themselves becoming fast friends. However, he is unsure how now to address his new friend. By his first name? By his title? With deference or informally?
He struggles and struggles.
Finally, after a long sleepless night, he begins to think a quick and ...

Why did Shakespeare use ink when he wrote his plays?

Because he couldn’t decide which pencil to use; 2B or not 2B.

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse



*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

What do you call it when Shakespeare has a wet dream?

Mid summer Night’s cream

On the anniversary of William Shakespeare's death . . .

I leave to you my second best joke.

What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop?

Now is the winter of our discount tents

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day.

When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to ma...

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

Why did Shakespeare get so many bacterial infections?

Because he only had quillicillin

What do you call an Islamic militant Shakespeare?

The Allahu Ak-Bard.

What do you call Shakespeare’s works in Mecca?

Islamic pentameter

Do you know what the difference is between Shakespeare and Eminem?

Eminem had no ghostwriter

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

Shakespeare was at the store looking for pencils, but he couldn’t decide which ones to buy.

2B or not 2B; that was the question.

Shakespeare told us who he was all along. . .

BIC PENTAMETER. Its all over his works: I AM BIC PENTAMETER

Hey Shakespeare, are you writing your next play in pentameter?

Iamb.

How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident?

As many as it takes /r/jokes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)^^^♻

If Shakespeare was a pun master

Then he would make a play on words

Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...

...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".

William Shakespeare takes a potion and is propelled into the modern age.

Smart as ever, he rapidly learns the global situation in politics and entertainment and even becomes highly Internet literate.
He discovers that a famous actress has been named after his wife Anne Hathaway. He decides she is extremely beautiful but wants to meet her in person to determine if s...

If you give an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters an infinite amount of time, they will eventually recreate all of Shakespeare's masterpieces accidentally...

But give them five minutes, and they'll have the script of The Last Jedi.

What horror movie would Shakespeare find hilarious?

The Thing

What did William Shakespeare say regarding atomic orbitals?

"2p or not 2p, that is the question."

Why did Shakespeare break up with his girlfriend?

Prose before hoes.

What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait?

2B or not 2B?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

Why was Shakespeare always a good teammate to have?

Because no matter the sport, he would always play write

What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis?

TB or not TB, that is the question.

What is Shakespeare's favourite writing utensil?

I don't know, but it was either 2B or not 2B.

A student is talking to his English teacher about the music he listens to

A student is talking to his English teacher about the music he listens to.

He says "I really like older music like 70s and 80s rock."

The teacher says "You should listen to things that were released after you were born. The 70s were over 40 years ago!"

The student goes back to ...

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