UPJOKE

### The past tense of William Shakespeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

"Hello."

### I walked into the book store and asked the guy, “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”

Bookseller: Of course. Which one?

Me: William.

### What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

### Why did Shakespeare always use a pen when writing?

Because the pencil was confusing - 2B or not 2B

### What's the difference between Shakespeare and Panic At The Disco?

Shakespeare writes Tragedies, not Sins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:

Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.

Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.

I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.

By William S...

### Shakespeare’s pencil is so chewed…

You can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B

### William Shakespeare died before completing the final act of his last play.

It was a real tragedy.

2B or not 2B

### Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

### I own a pencil used by William Shakespeare

He used to chew on it a lot though, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B

### Why did Shakespeare stop in front of the bathroom?

Because he couldn’t decide whether to pee, or not to pee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Shakespeare joke

(Disclaimer: This one isn't original, but I don't think I've seen it here)

Little Johnny is at the mall with his mom. He sees a man with bow legs and points to him and says "Mom, what's wrong with that man's legs?" She's horrified and tells him, "Johnny, that's rude, you should never point...

### They say 1 million monkeys with 1 million keyboards can produce the entire works of Shakespeare...

...Thanks to the internet we now know that's not true

Hamlet.

### I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

### To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

### A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'

'William, of course' replies the man.

### Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate

US: [translation] you're like summer... hot

### Apparently, they once sat William Shakespeare in front of an infinite number of typewriters.

After a week, he had written "ooh aahh ooh ooh"

### How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.

### A rowdy William Shakespeare walks in to a pub

The landlord says "Oi, you're Bard!"

### Shakespeare was speaking to a friend

"What do you think about the draft for my next play?"

"It's good, Bill, but I'm not sure about the title."

"You don't think *Julius, Run After Her and Catch Her Before She Gets Away* is evocative enough?"

"I mean it's good, but a bit long."

"So what do you suggest then?"<...

### One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction

Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b

### Shakespeare goes into a clinic with a fever and asks

Flu B or not Flu B?

### Shakespeare never actually used a quill to write his work, he used a pen because

It could write in i-am-bic pen-tameter

### William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

### A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only \$200"

"That's amazing, but I...

### Did you know that Shakespeare once made a performance about puns?

It was a play on words.

### What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Shakespeare - Its better to have loved and lost,

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Detective Shakespeare and his new partner Jameson are on a case...

the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle...

### Shakespeare and Lord Byron at the gates of Heaven

Shakespeare and Lord Byron get to the gates of heaven at the same time but St Peter regrets to confirm that they only have one vacancy left. He decides to let them compete for the one spot in a poem writing competition. He gives the task to include "Timbuktu" in an improvised poem. Lord Byron goes f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### What did William Shakespeare write in 1598?

95% of the jokes on this fucking sub

### 3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays?

Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.

### We all heard that saying where if a million monkey banging on a million typewriter will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.

Now thank to the internet we know it’s not true.

### What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I was in the bookshop and I said to the assistant "I'm looking for a play by Shakespeare"

She said "Which one?" and I said "William!"

Dumb bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, and a Redditor all meet up in heaven one day

Eventually, the conversation turns to the impact their literature had on the world.

Herman Melville starts boasting. He says “I wrote 15 books, and my book “Moby Dick” is still studied in schools and famous to this day”.

William Shakespeare interjects: “That’s nothing! Why, I wrote 192...

### What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

### Who Is the Greatest Chicken-killer in Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because to be fair he did murder most foul.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### William Shakespeare once said "Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late"

My wife disagrees.

It's really put a strain on our sex life.

### William Shakespeare once manned the welcome desk at a popular hotel

One day an elderly man walked up to the desk and asked for a room.

Shakespeare quickly found a room available on the second floor and asked him if this is the room he wished to book. The forgetful, ancient individual stared at Shakespeare for several uncomfortable seconds.

"I'm so...

### Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

### If you put a bunch of Bored Apes in a room

They’ll eventually churn out a Shakespeare NFT

### William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.

It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

### Shakespeare loved to play video games...

His favorite was Sonnet the hedgehog

### On the anniversary of William Shakespeare's death . . .

I leave to you my second best joke.

### What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop?

Now is the winter of our discount tents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### "Sex with me is like Shakespeare..."

It was forced upon you in middle school.

YOUR TURN: "Sex with me is like shakespeare: ________________."

**Edit: Start your own at [/r/sexwithme](http://www.reddit.com/r/sexwithme/)

William.

### Why did Shakespeare use ink when he wrote his plays?

Because he couldn’t decide which pencil to use; 2B or not 2B.

### This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse

*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

### What do you call it when Shakespeare has a wet dream?

Mid summer Night’s cream

### An old Joke by Lee Mack on... 8 out of 10 Cats plays Countdown, I believe?

I popped into an second-hand store the other day and bought a pencil. What's remarkable about the pencil, is that it used to be used by Shakespeare!

...Only thing is, the top part is all chewed up, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

### What do you call an Islamic militant Shakespeare?

The Allahu Ak-Bard.

### Steven Spielberg died and went to Heaven.

"Thank goodness you made it to Heaven!" said St. Peter. "God is producing a movie and He wants you to direct it."

"Directing movies was what I did in my mortal life," said Spielberg. "This is my eternal life. I want my eternal life to be relaxing."

"I haven't told you about the film cr...

### Shakespeare walks into a bar

[Exit, pursued by a bear]

### It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day.

When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to ma...

### It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

Iamb.

### What do you call Shakespeare’s works in Mecca?

Islamic pentameter

### A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything abo...

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### A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

### William Shakespeare is Meeting Felipe III, the Spanish king at the time...

And after a great first meeting, he finds themselves becoming fast friends. However, he is unsure how now to address his new friend. By his first name? By his title? With deference or informally?
He struggles and struggles.
Finally, after a long sleepless night, he begins to think a quick and ...

### Shakespeare was at the store looking for pencils, but he couldn’t decide which ones to buy.

2B or not 2B; that was the question.

### Shakespeare told us who he was all along. . .

BIC PENTAMETER. Its all over his works: I AM BIC PENTAMETER

### How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident?

As many as it takes /r/jokes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)^^^♻

### If Shakespeare was a pun master

Then he would make a play on words

### Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...

...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".

### Shakespeare and Robbie Burns walk into a bar...

and the barman says: "Get out, you're both bard."

### Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

### If you give an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters an infinite amount of time, they will eventually recreate all of Shakespeare's masterpieces accidentally...

But give them five minutes, and they'll have the script of The Last Jedi.

### What did William Shakespeare say regarding atomic orbitals?

"2p or not 2p, that is the question."

### What is the best thing about taking a date to see a play by Shakespeare?

Getting to know her afterwords.

### Why was Shakespeare always a good teammate to have?

Because no matter the sport, he would always play write

### Why did Shakespeare break up with his girlfriend?

Prose before hoes.

The Thing

2B or not 2B?

### What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis?

TB or not TB, that is the question.

### What is Shakespeare's favourite writing utensil?

I don't know, but it was either 2B or not 2B.