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To me, marriage is like a yard sale.

From a distance it looks kind of interesting but once you’re in it you realize it’s filled with a lot of crap you don’t want.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie y...

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A Little girl was digging a hole in her back yard.

When her neighbour said, hello Daisy what you digging a hole for?

Daisy replied, I am burying my goldfish, neighbour said, that is a very big hole for a goldfish why so big? Daisy replied.

Because it's inside your fucking cat.

Two days after the city put up a stop sign someone ran it over, now it’s just laying in my yard. They declined my request to send someone out.

They said all re-posts must be at least a month apart.

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They're making a movie about a Scotland yard inspector suffering from chronic constipation ...

... titled, No Shit Sherlock.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

I have got to quit my job at the lumber yard

I am SOOO board

Found some money in a church yard. Thought what would Jesus do…

So I turned it into wine.

It's not graverobbing! It's a system of mining grave yards to determine the validity of transactions.

It's a new way of thinking of money! I call it crypt-o-currency.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.

Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, 20! 20! 20!

Which came first? Having to do yard work or my drinking problem?

Trick question. It was my depression.

A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk around the yard after a rainstorm.

Seeing worms all over the sidewalk the grandfather decided to play a little prank on his grandson. "Billy," he says "I'll give you ten dollars if you can take one of those worms and put it back in it's hole."

Thinking this to be impossible, he watched as Billy played around with a worm for a ...

Two hobos are at the train yard looking to hitch a ride to the next town.

One hobo sees a dog licking himself and says "Man, I wish I could do that"

Other hobo says "Maybe you should pet him first."

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This cont...

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills t...

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is.

The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the therapist, who tells him, "You need to change things up a bit. You'll just hav...

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"
"I bought it today," he says.
"With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.
"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who ...

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My grandfather once boasted he could hit a man between the buttocks from 200 yards with iron sights

That's quite the crack shot

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

Jimmy is in the school yard...

and goes over to his friend Billy and notices he has a brand new smart watch.

Jimmy: How did you get that?

Billy: well last night I walked into my parents room and caught them wrestling and my dad told me if I left and forgot what I saw he’d get me a watch.

Jimmy: Oh wow I’ve h...

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My neighbor’s dog keeps going in my yard

I tell my neighbor politely a few times to keep his dog in his yard, but every evening I come out to a fresh pile.

I tell him to clean it up, but he never does, so I give him an ultimatum: “The next time your dog comes into my yard I am going to cook him.”

The next day, sure as anythin...

I'm not putting any Halloween or Christmas stuff in my yard this year.

I'm just going to stand on my back porch reciting the Gettysburg address. That will be my deck oration.

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

A man is out in the yard flying a kite with his son

but the kite keeps nosing-over and crashing. After a while the upstairs window flies open and his wife yells out "You need more tail!"

,,,And he yells back "I told you that last night, and you told me to go fly a kite!"

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What makes pooping in someone’s yard not passive aggressive?

Eye contact.

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

What do you call a revolt in a lumber yard?

Treeson

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My new dog is a poop machine.

I tallied each pile as I cleaned up the yard. I stopped counting at 288, because that’s two gross.

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I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.

Everything was going great then I tried to pay him and he said “your wife already took care of it”

This just keeps getting better.

I hate winter…

I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It’s a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It’s hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back y...

I’ve just bought a pig!

One afternoon, two friends who lived in the same town were chatting.
“**I’ve just bought a pig**,” said the first.
“You are not kidding but where will you keep it?” “Your yard’s much too small for a pig!” said the second.
“**I am going to keep it under my bed**,” replied his friend. ...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. "Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?" "I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve." "Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway."

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

"Daddy, I did what you said an...

A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard

Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property

Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?

Neighbor: yes.

Judge: **Guilty**

While playing catch with our pet Alsatian in the yard,

He returned with a bunny in his mouth. Quite clearly it was our neighbors pet bunny. The same distinctive brown patch! We both dashed to our doggy and gently pried the bunny out of his mouth.

It was quite clearly dead.

We panicked and looked over to the neighbors yard. He wasn't in and...

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

A Cemetery Worker Was Moving A Pallet of Tombstones Through The Yard.

When he turned the corner, the load shifted causing all of the Tombstones to fall and break. A bystander who didn't see what happened but heard it described it as, "the second biggest Graveyard Smash he'd ever heard."

Two tickets to the super bowl

A good buddy of mine has 2 Super Bowl tix, 40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. Prob bc of the extra game this year.

If you’re interested, he’s looking for someone to take his place...

A man finds a crocodile in his yard

He goes to the police station and asks, what to do with it.

Policeman: Take it to the zoo

Man: Ok

The next day the policeman notices the same man approaching him

Policeman: So, how did it go

Man: yeah, yesterday we took him to the zoo. Shal...

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

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Don’t mess with Mother Nature

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods as well, just a few yards beyond.
Fred looked for his ball for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a...

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

4th grade biology...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students."Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well,...

3 nuns and a Parrot

This was a joke I heard decades ago, sorry if someone beat me to this one. Here goes:

3 nuns were passing by a big house. It was a modest house with a beautiful yard and in it, a caged Parrot. It’s not very talkative but everytime the three nuns pass, the parrot would utter random colors…
...

What did the man say after digging three holes in the yard?

“Well, well, well”

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

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Will, Bob, and Fred

Will, Bob, and Fred get on a plane. While they’re flying, Will finds a knife under his seat and throws it out the window. Next, Bob finds an anchor lying on the floor and chucks it out the window as well. Then Fred decides to look around and disturbingly finds a bomb, so he too flings it out the ...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself...

Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.

An old man moves into a new home in the countryside after his wife dies.

A few weeks later his son comes to visit him and finds that his father is very depressed. He doesn’t even get out of bed to greet him and doesn’t seem to have any excitement to see him. He also notices that his father rarely leaves the house and mostly just mopes around the house. The next evening, ...

A man is scentenced to serve in prison

While walking around the yard, he notice a group of inmates laughing.

As he gets closer he hear one of them say '17' and immidietly the rest starts to laugh. Then another inmate shouts '48' as the others laugh even harder. After the third guy shouts '22' everyone laugh so hard some of them ar...

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An...

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I was driving down a country road when I saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."

I drove another mile before I turned around. A talking dog? Really?

I pulled up a gravel laneway and parked next to the barn. An old farmer was working on his tractor.

"Excuse me," I said, "but I couldn't help but notice your sign. Is it true you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Y...

My neighbor’s yard is so vibrant and colorful.

Good thing I switched his weed killer to MiracleGro.

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

Old Fridge

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people wer...

One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf.

St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”

The Lord shook his head.

The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 670 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one.

St. Peter was outraged. “I thought yo...

My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.

Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's hel...

A man is sitting at home…

when he hears a knock at his door. He opens the door and there’s no one there- cranes his neck to look and see if anyone is hiding he looks left and right- nothing.
As he’s about to close the door- he looks down and sees a snail. He shrugs his shoulders and flicks the snail across his yard.
...

A guy walks into a lumber yard and orders some 2x4’s. Clerk asks how long he needs them.

“A long time” he says.
“We’re building a house”

Mom came up with this one

Mom: How far do you think our neighbours house is from here?

Me: I dunno probably about 15m.

Mom: No you dummy it’s only 1 yard away.

What do you call an Irishman who sits around your back yard all day?

Paddy O’Furniture.

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My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!

I think she's a hoarder-culturist.

Two guys at a yard sale are chatting, one says “whatcha got there, pal?”

“Fella over there sold me a bunch of dominoes, a paint can, a ball, and a mousetrap”

“What in the hell would you need all that junk for?”

“He said I can use it to crack an egg”

“You’re such a rube, Goldberg”

A traveling salesman, caught in a torrential rainstorm, stopped overnight at a farmhouse.

In the morning, he looked out on the flood coursing through the front yard. He watched pieces of fence, chicken coops, branches, and an old straw hat floating past with the current.

Then he saw the straw hat come back, upstream past the house. Then he saw it go down again. Pretty soon it came...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

Snow day

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn, I hate it when it snows," he complains to the bartender. "It makes my neighbor's yard look as good as mine."

A man goes to a golf course and tells the club pro he's taught a gorilla to play golf.

The club pro is understandably skeptical, until he glances outside and sees a gorilla holding a golf club.

"The way he drives the ball," the man says, mimicking a huge swing. "Just amazing."

"I'll believe it when I see it," the pro replies.

The man tells the pro, "I'll bet you f...

Politics...

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food ...

A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"

C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"

S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"

C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?

S: "Yep"

C: "Wow. Can't tu...

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We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors’ donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property.

It was a real ass hole.

The neighbors hate us.

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and th...

Karaoke night

A guy and his girlfriend walk into a bar on karaoke night. While his girlfriend is up by the stage going through song choices the bartender asks the guy, "Is she any good?" "I don't know. Whenever she starts to sing at home I always immediately go outside into the front yard," the guy replies. "That...

So there are these two rich old men who live next to each other...

At the on the border of their land is a pool that conjoins the two luxurious estates. In this pool each man has a pet dolphin. Every day, the two old men stand at the edge of the pool, and argue about who's dolphin is the smartest. This has gone in for years.

Then one day the first neighbor ...

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

I was digging in my yard and I found some old coins

I got so excited i ran inside to tell the hooker then, I remembered what the hole was for.

The Superbowl ticket

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes his seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field!


About halfway through the first quarter Bob...

Did you hear about the NFL linebacker who was flagged for hitting the opposing quarterback with a salad?

15 yards for Unnecessary Roughage

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

I don't trust the tree in my front yard.

It seems kind of shady.

Last night a thief broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets,

Police say they have nothing to go on.

My landscaper isn't too bright. I asked him for a yard of topsoil for planting my tomatoes.

So far, 75 dump trucks have delivered soil, covering my entire yard, 12 inches deep.

Tractors

So there was this guy who was a fan of tractors. He had posters of it everywhere. He had his own tractor business, married a beautiful wife. The whole 9 yards.

One day his wife died from a tractor accident. Heartbroken he got rid of his business, his posters, everything tractor related.
...

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Three men meet in a prison yard, 2 of them are white and the other black.

The first white man asks the other, "What are you in for?"

"I raided my company's 401k, and stole millions from my employees. My lawyer says I'll be out within 3 years."

"I shot up an abortion clinic and killed 2 doctors, but my lawyer says I won't do more than 5 years."

They...

How did the Scottish bakery employee go undefeated in the 100-yard dash?

Because run, run, as fast as they can. They can't catch him. He's the ginger bread man.

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts this will be one hell of a blow job!

(My brother and I heard this in the school yard when we were 9&6 respectively. That night he told it at the dinner table when my grandma was over!)

I would like to buy 200 eggs, please.

- 200, sir?
- Yes. I'm going to egg my neighbor's house and I'm going to egg it good!
- Oh ...
- I'll go down to his yard and throw them eggs to the windows, to the walls, to the door, to the garage, even to his car.
- ...
- That is, of course, unless his stupid dog is outside. In tha...

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"

Pegleg Pete the Pirate decided to retire

He fired his crew, ran his ship aground, and built a small cabin for himself just a short walk from the beach. He enjoyed his quiet life until global warming turned his front yard into a swamp. He couldn't get down to the shore without struggling through muck and mud that was once his peaceful stro...

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My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we...

The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

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What did the Spanish dog say to his owner after he let him out to poop in the yard?

Grassy-ass

My neighbor has found out the scariest Halloween front yard decoration ever

Its a vote for trump sign

How to have a million dollars

Have $999,900. Have a yard sale.

A Soviet era joke about the value of hard work - Drink vodka, play cards

*This joke was told to me by a former colleague who was Russian, and had lived and worked under the Soviet system. He was a nuclear engineer there... and the only member of his team not sent to Chernobyl to help in the clean up. Anyway, like our hero of this story, I was fresh faced and a little hig...

A chemist, physicist, and statistician go hunting.

They are behind a bush and all three see a 12 point buck off into the distance.



The chemist stands up and shoots at the deer but misses 50 yards to the left.



The physicist stands up and shoots at the deer and misses 50 yards to the right.



The statistician...

I was out mowing my lawn...

I was out mowing my lawn. When I had to stop and refill the mower with gasoline.

The gas can broke and spilled gasoline into a puddle. I went to get some absorbent to clean up the mess but found the local stray cat had lapped up all that spilled gasoline.

I tried catch it, but it wen...

Wife was mowing the yard in her bikini. Neighbor says "you should be hung!"

"I am; that's why she mows."

What's two words you never hear in Texas?

Nice yard.

I was just looking out my window at my neighbor's back yard where their son is celebrating his college graduation with a few friends.

So sad those kids have so much student loan debt that they all have to share one ratty-looking cigarette.

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[blonde] A blonde woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard.

A pigeon flew over them and pooped on his head. "Get some toilet paper" he said. "What for?" the blonde asked. "He must be half a mile away by now"

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I popped into Lowe's today to get some grass seed for my yard.

Me: I'm looking for some grass seed but I want something that's easy to maintain.

Employee: Oh then you will want our new brand of emo grass.

Me: What's so special about emo grass?

Employee: there's no upkeep, it cuts itself.

Little John and Tim were playing in the yard...

Little John and Tim were playing in the yard, when they accidentally sent the ball to the neighbors yard. Tim went there to fetch it, but after a while, he came running with eyes closed tightly.

John: Hey, what happened?

Tim: Mrs. Richards is sunbathing there, naked.

John: Yah,...

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A woman went to a yard sale...

A woman went to a yard sale one day and came across a mirror. Intrigued, she asked the guy running the yard sale what it's significance was. He said it was a magic mirror, and it grants every wish you ask it to.

So she took it home and hung it up on the inside of her bedroom door. Looking int...

I wish the grass in my yard was like emo people so it would cut itself..

I was going to say a joke about a child but then decided to abort...

Boys cutting through the yard

A group of boys are running back home after dark and decided to cut through the neighborhood's back yards to get home quicker. As the boys run along, one of them stops at a window and yells to the others.
"Guys, come here!"
The other boys run to their friend to see he is staring at a lady gett...

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man s...

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep in for Farmer Fred. He completed his task and went bounding over to the Farmer shouting “Farmer Fred, Farmer Fred…. I chased 40 sheep in to the yard for you”. “40 sheep?” queries Farmer Fred. “I’ve only got 37”

“I know” says Bob. “I rounded them up”

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

With no sports on tv, I'm watching birds fight over worms in the yard...

Only time the Orioles have had a winning record.

Did you know Helen Keller had a swing set in her back yard?

Yea nether did she.

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

Yard work

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her po...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

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Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole..

..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says *"Gee Susie, what's going on?"*


Susie says, *"I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious"*


Mr. Johnson asks, *"Why are you digging a hole?"*


Susie replies, *"I'm burying my gold fish"*


Mr. Johnson laugh...

Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard

911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

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The kid I just hired to clean up the poop in my yard just realized

I don’t have a dog! #TPshortage2020

The difference between retroactive and radioactive is what happened when my neighbor got a power bill with $1000 of retroactive charges.

She's marching around the front yard with a shotgun. I pity the first power company truck that drives by.

The peanuts are running around the yard playing tag...

The peanut that is It keeps yelling, “I’m gonna cashew!”

Have you read the book Fifty Yards to the Outhouse by...

Willie Makit,published by Betty Don't,and illustrated by Doris Lock?

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I was cleaning my yard when my dog brought a dead rabbit to me.

This wasn't just any ordinary rabbit.

I could tell that this was one of my neighbors prized rabbits that he used for shows.

Seeing as I didn't want my neighbor knowing my dog killed his rabbit, I washed the blood off the rabbit and that night put the rabbit back into its cage at my n...

A man finds a full grown gorilla in a tree.

Man comes home from work to find a big ole gorilla in a tree in his front yard. Thinking he's gonna need some help with this, he looks up gorilla removal services in the yellow pages. He finds Dave and Rosco's full time gorilla removal and calls them up.

Dave says he and Rosco will rush right...

I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.

I just made it up after a couple of glasses

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Horse and Chicken were standing in farmer Brown's yard. [Long]

Horse was standing in the biggest puddle of mud you ever did see, not paying attention to anything. Before he knew it, he had sunk up to his haunches and couldn't get out.
"Help me Chicken!" He cried. "Go get Farmer Brown to pull me out with his tractor"
"Can't!" Squawked Chicken. "Farmer Brow...

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