My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.

Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

A couple are talking to eachother about the new neighbors. "Arent you upset about her always sunbathing nude in her back yard?" Says the wife.

"Im not sure, I'm sort of on the fence" says the husband.

Did you hear about the guy arrested for excavating in his back yard?

He was a miner offender

The peanuts are running around the yard playing tag...

The peanut that is It keeps yelling, “I’m gonna cashew!”

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

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I popped into Lowe's today to get some grass seed for my yard.

Me: I'm looking for some grass seed but I want something that's easy to maintain.

Employee: Oh then you will want our new brand of emo grass.

Me: What's so special about emo grass?

Employee: there's no upkeep, it cuts itself.

I had a really nice sign to put in my yard.

But the Astros stole it.

Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep in for Farmer Fred. He completed his task and went bounding over to the Farmer shouting “Farmer Fred, Farmer Fred…. I chased 40 sheep in to the yard for you”. “40 sheep?” queries Farmer Fred. “I’ve only got 37”

“I know” says Bob. “I rounded them up”

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

When I was digging a hole in a yard I found a treassure full of gold

I ran home with excitement to tell my wife what I found. That was when I realized why I was digging that hole.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

“The 40 yard dash,” answered Timmy. “100 meters,” said Becky. “Blacks,” said Billy.

Coach’s face fell to the floor. “That’s not what I meant when I asked what race makes you most nervous.”

The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale

Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer.

Did you hear they aren't going to make yard sticks any longer.

They're not going to make them any shorter either.

What do the Minnesota Vikings and a car in the junk yard have in common?

Neither one has a title

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A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.”

The man takes the adv...

Little Billy came home from school to see

the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son...

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Someone was telling me about her favorite kitchen utensil.She used it for everything. She would probably display it in her ceramic container which sat on the kitchen counter. For years she didn't know what it was called or what it's intended purpose was for. She bought it at a yard sale for 25cents.

She finally seen one in its original packaging.Its a pooper scooper.

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills t...

I met a girl last night at a bar who said she could show me a good time.

When we left she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.42 seconds. Well she wasn't lying.

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A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy...

My Milkshake Brings all the Boys to the Yard.

All of them!
Over the horizon three and a half billion men are heading to me.
Millions die in the stampede.
All for me and my milkshake.
What have I done?

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I was at a yard sale and I saw a radio, with a broken volume knob, for sale.

I couldn’t turn it down.

What kind of grass does matthew mcconaughey have in his yard?

“All rye, all rye, all rye”

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

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The King of all the gorillas was having a yard sale

The king of all the gorillas, mister Kong, was having a yard sale. He decided to sell his items collected over the years of roaming in the forests. He had been lowering his sale prices over the course of the day as fewer and fewer people were coming by.

Finally, one passer by came to buy his...

I saw a man take a gate from my front yard the other day,

I didn't say anything, I didn't want him to take a fence.

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

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Horse and Chicken were standing in farmer Brown's yard. [Long]

Horse was standing in the biggest puddle of mud you ever did see, not paying attention to anything. Before he knew it, he had sunk up to his haunches and couldn't get out.
"Help me Chicken!" He cried. "Go get Farmer Brown to pull me out with his tractor"
"Can't!" Squawked Chicken. "Farmer Brow...

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Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off- "Good luck Mr. Kowalski."

Years later when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.

Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband, Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just ...

I wish I could see what mischief my students are getting up to at the far end of the school yard.

Alas, I've never had good pupils.

I visited my uncle. He asked me to bring a duck from yard for dinner

I caught one, killed it and brought it to the kitchen. My uncle asked 'Did the duck quack before he died?'

'Yes,' I said , 'He quacked twice.'

'Do you know what he said?'

'No, why ask?'

'He said I'm goose! I'm goose!'

How many feet are in a yard?

Depends on how many people like you.

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana who was born and raised a Baptist . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, as a point of interest, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic and as such were for...

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

An old man is dying and he tells his wife he wants to be buried at sea.

When he passes, his widow decides to ask her sister to go to the beach with her to fulfill her late husbands request. They rent a boat and go out about 100 yards from the shore. The widow's sister asks "is it deep enough yet?". The widow gets in and the water is only up to her waste. She replies...

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A man visited his neighbors yard sale.

He looked around and saw that there was a motorboat he was interested in. "Hey, neighbor, how much do are you asking for the boat?" "Oh... how about 12,000.00? I think my wife is cheating on me and I need the money for a lawyer." "I know a great divorce lawyer. I'll get you a discount if you sell me...

A dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks...

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.

As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man...

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A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and a...

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

What is black and hairy and runs around the back yard screaming?

A baby covered in funnel web spiders

A man gets accepted for a job interview at a shipyard

A man gets accepted for a job interview at a ship yard

Interviewer: do you have an experience tying up boats to keep them from floating away

Interveiwee: no

Interviewer: well let me show you the ropes

The best police in the world: FBI, Scotland Yard or Brazilian Police

FBI, Scotland Yard and the brazilian police were in a competition to determine the best police in the world. A international jury released a rabbit in a dark forest.

The FBI started the search using high-tech localization techniques, satellite maps, nightvision goggles and a DNA tracer. The a...

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A little girl was digging a hole in her back yard and the dad came out and saw her.

Dad: “Hey honey what are you doing?”

Girl: “I’m digging a hole!”

Dad: “I can see that but why?”

Girl: “Cause my fish died. So I’m burying him!”

Dad: “Aw that’s cute! But why is the hole so large”

Girl: “Cause it’s still inside your fucking cat!”

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The cops in our town are looking for a guy who keeps pooping on people’s yards at night.

The police are calling him Public Enemy Number Two.

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As many of us know, 'Retirement' is different for everyone.

One day, while driving to do some shopping, I passed by a newer retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. The Villages in Florida.I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the sam...

A pervert was cruising the neighborhood in his van one afternoon when he saw a little boy playing in a cubby house in a front yard.

He wound down his window and said "Hey little boy, if I give you a candy, will you let me come inside your cubby house?" to which the boy replied "If you give me the whole packet you can come inside my mouth!"

People who buy turf for their yards don’t have the patience to grow their own

They want instant grassification

I called the police to report a murder in my front yard but they refused to respond

They said if I really wanted the crows gone I'd have to do it myself

Plan for Unlimited Free labor

1. Create online profile of 16 year old girl.
2. Chat with men and tell them my dad will not be home.
3. When 2 guys show up, answer the door as 'dad' with print outs of chat logs.
4. Point to piles of dirt and shovels in the yard.
5. It isn't false advertising to say that I need 2 big m...

A crime scene investigation takes place in a train yard.

A body lies severed across the tracks.

Inspector: "Do we have a motive?"

Officer: "Loco."

A Man Decides to go Ice Fishing

One day, a man decides to go ice fishing. He grabs his gear and heads out onto the ice. Once he finds a suitable spot he cuts a large hole in the ice and sits down.

An hour passes and he still hasn't caught anything. Another hour passes, and then another, and still no fish. Suddenly the man ...

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2 lovers are walking by a grave site when the mood hits them ....

They can't contain themselves and decided to duck into the yard for a little enjoyment of each other. Looking around they decided to head over to one of the flat stones on the ground and do their business. A few days later the woman complained about her lower back hurting, being that she was mainl...

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What is the clinical term for a "Yard Sale"

Faecal transplantation. Because your shit, becomes my shit!

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Jim and Bob, are sitting at their local bar having a few beers.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know what, I'm tired of going through life without a real education. Tomorrow I think I'll go down to that community college and sign up for some classes."

Next day, Jim goes to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic clas...

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Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, “that’s kind of a crapshoot.”

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

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Little johnny is playing outside in the back yard

Little Johnny is outside in the back yard playing with his toy airplane. He takes it up in the air "rrrrrrrrrr" and brings it down for a landing, at which point he yells real loud "All you motherfuckers that wanna get off, get off. All you motherfuckers that wanna get on, get on." Well Johnnys mom i...

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

The birds and the bees

Little Johnny's Pa decided that Johnny had gotten old enough to learn about the birds and the bees. The problem was, he didn't know how to approach the subject.

So, sitting on the back porch one day, he starts to tell Little Johnny what's involved, but he keeps tripping over his own words. F...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

Dog fight

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another dri...

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A man and his wife are doing yard work

When the wife decides that she had enough and goes inside to take a shower. The man, still doing yard work, realizes that he can’t find the rake and gets her attention through the bathroom window.

He cups his hands around his mouth and yells “I NEED THE RAKE!” The wife shrugs her shoulders,...

I caught a bunch of social justice warriors in my yard digging up large wooden stakes

They said the posts had to be removed before they caused a fence.

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Humans only stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students."Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl t...

My cousin has two tickets for the Super Bowl, 50 yard line seats.

He paid $5,000 each for them but he didn't realize last year when he bought them that it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St. Michael's Church, at 3 p.m. The bride's name is Jenny, she's 5'5", about 135 lbs.,...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard, when the boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole…

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole!"

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.

He sprays t...

[just wrote this one] Political Massage

So I went to this masseur. Great reputation. People say he’s good with his hands.

We get down to business, and he starts asking me about politics.

He asks, “So are you for states or against states? You’ll get a different massage depending on your answer.”

I guess he’s probably a...

They tried to hide the yard sale at the cemetery but failed miserably

It was a dead giveaway

Peeing on my flowers. Long

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

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Older man at nursing home...

There was an old man in a nursing home who had felt lonely since his wife had passed. and everyday he would sit at the same bench and stare at the trees in the yard.

And elderly woman walked up to him one day and began to talk to him. She heard his story and was saddened and asked if there wa...

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My proctologist gets this far away look sometimes; the thousand-yard stare

I think he’s really seen some shit.

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Grammar Nazi

A visitor to Harvard stopped a student on the Yard and asked, "Can you tell me where the library's at?"

The student replied, "At Harvard, we do not end sentences with prepositions."

The visitor thinks a moment and rephrases his question. "Can you tell me where the library's at, asshole...

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

Dog in the front yard

There is a dog in the neighbours front yard sitting at an office desk, filling in forms, typing on a laptop and answering the phone.

The neighbour yells out, "I don't want your damn dog doing his business on my lawn!"

My older, attractive next door neighbor had a seizure on her front yard today.

The MILF shakes brought paramedics to the yard.

The corners of my yard are all overgrown

I was always told not to cut them.

How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?

Move him to the front yard.

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man s...

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Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole.

Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "Gee Susie, what's going on?" Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious." Mr. Johnson asks, "why are you digging a hole?" Susie replies, "I'm burying my goldfish." Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?" Susie replies "Bec...

whenever my wife starts singing around the house I immediately go into the yard

That way the neighbors know I'm not hitting her

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!

I love the stuff, I filled my entire yard with it. My only complaint is the weird smell. Has a real e-lawn musk to it.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a swing set in her back yard?

Neither did she.

I was chasing a squirrel in my back yard. The squirrel ran up a tree.

My car was totaled.

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A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc.

The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's jus...

What do they say about a minimalist's yard sale?

Not a whole lot.

How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?

Knot furlong.

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A boy and his grandpa

One day a boy’s grandpa was watching TV and drinking a beer.

He sat down and asked if he could have some of the beer.

“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”

“Then you’re too young to share my beer,” his grandpa chuckled

A couple of weeks later...

Contagious

At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence...

Cindy raises her hand. "Yes, Cindy?" She answers, "I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contag...

I just saw someone had set up a little wedding chapel in their front yard.

It had a tasteful little altar, a lattice arch covered in white roses, the whole deal. The only thing I didn't understand was a vertical length of 2x4 lumber, placed in a hole in the ground so it stuck three feet high. Just then, I noticed someone who lived there open the front door and start wal...

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I was cleaning my yard when my dog brought a dead rabbit to me.

This wasn't just any ordinary rabbit.

I could tell that this was one of my neighbors prized rabbits that he used for shows.

Seeing as I didn't want my neighbor knowing my dog killed his rabbit, I washed the blood off the rabbit and that night put the rabbit back into its cage at my n...

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A man saw a sign in a yard that said "Talking dog for sale $10"

He laughs and says "Yeah right, I gotta check this out". He knocks on the door and an old man answers. The guy says "I saw the sign for the talking dog for sale". Old man says "Yep, he's out back". They walk around to the back and the old man leads the guy to the fenced in area where the dog is slee...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard

911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

A boy learns some woodworking skills on Reddit. He wants to impress his dad with his new skills so he builds him a gate for his yard with beautiful fenceposts. The dad says son, this is great but...

There used to be a gate in this exact spot, so this is just a repost.

If a crack forms in your yard

Is it your fault?

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind her teams bench on the 50 yard line.

After the game he asked her how she liked it.

She replied "oh, I really like it especially all the tight pants and big muscles, but I just don't understand why they were fighting each other over 25 cents."

T...

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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"...

I drove by the local jailhouse today. The inmates were out in the yard playing football. I slowed down and yelled,

"Pass me the ball, I'm free!"

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

What’s the difference between a deadly chemical plant and a Syrian school yard?

I don’t know, they just have me fly the drone

I went to a car boot sale yesterday and bought a box of second hand newspapers,

They may be old but they’re news to me.

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

The Legend of Curtis

So imagine a dude named Curtis. Curtis had a marker, and a billion sheets of paper. On each of the sheets, he drew the letter E as big as he can fit it into the page. When he finished, he scattered each and every one of those pages all over Earth. They’re pretty much everywhere, there may even be on...

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Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

Once upon a time 2 kids were playing hide and seek

Their names were Shut Up, and Trouble. It was Trouble's turn to seek, so Shut Up went and ran into his neighbor's yard. His neighbor went onto his front lawn, upon seeing Shut Up he asked "what's your name, and why are you on my property?" to which Shut Up calmly replied, "Shut Up"

Neighbor: ...

I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard..

Who the hell is Foreclosure?

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Two brothers, ages four and six, are sitting in their front yard...

The six year old says to his little brother, “hey, tomorrow morning at breakfast... let’s say swear words to mom.” The four year old likes the idea and replies, “yeahhhhhh I like that!”

So the next day at breakfast, mom comes out to the kitchen and asks the boys what they would like for break...

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A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers.

Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

"If you could all please direct your attention to the pool, we shall begin tonight's true entertainment!"

A truck backs into ...

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A Chinese man moves to USA after having lived 50 years in a small Chinese province

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door
but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

There's a horse in our front yard!

Husband says to his wife. Honey look out the window, there is a horse in the front yard. She replies: that's no horse, that's a cow! Honey, I said look out the window, not in the mirror.

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What’s the best kind of grass for your front yard?

Emo grass. Cuz it cuts itself.

[Long] The FBI, Scotland Yard, and the KGB are competing to find out who is a better investigative agency.

They release a rabbit in the woods, and whoever finds it quickest is declared the best investigative agency.
The FBI agent goes in first and investigates. He follows trails, asks questions to the other animals, and sets up Wanted posters throughout the forest. He continues this for a week until ...

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a "night light" and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leav...

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Trump yard signs must be great for door to door salesmen

Those people would buy any kind of bullshit

did you know that they aren’t making yard sticks any longer?

they’re already long enough

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