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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Wuz

Why did the hipster empty water from an ice cube tray into his drink?

He liked ice before it was cool

My Jewish neighbor has been moving huge bags of yeast and empty kegs with weird symbols into his garage.

Turns out Hebrews

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were sitting outside an empty house.

They saw two people go in, and a little while later, three people come out. The engineer said, “Our initial count must’ve been wrong.” The biologist said, “They must’ve reproduced.” The mathematician said, “Now, if one person goes back into the house, it will be completely empty!”

Space isn’t as empty as we think. It actually contains everything in the universe.

Except a girlfriend for me apparently.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

A robber crawls through the window of an empty house.

He begins stuffing jewelry into a pillow case, but is interrupted by a voice saying "Jesus is watching you."

He is freaked out, of course, but decides that checking it out with a flashlight would attract people. He makes a vow that this will be his last job, and continues emptying the box. ...

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was...

Carmelo and his brother Dave sat together admiring the size of his vast, but empty backyard.

"Hey Carm," says Dave "we should do something with your yard. Maybe a pool or something."

Carmelo glanced over grinning.

"Way ahead of you man. I've already hired a company to spruce the place up. Actually, I have a sub-contractor coming over tomorrow for the deck."

...

My piggy bank is empty.

No change there.

I made a mistake and went shopping on an empty stomach.

I am now the happy owner of aisle 7.

How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

Its time for class, Ms. Smith noticed a few empty seats, 3 students were late.

"Good morning everyone, we have a new student to greet today, his name is Timmy, although he appears to be late."

Just then, Jen walks into class "sorry im late Ms. Smith, I lost track of time while blowing bubbles."
"That's okay Jen, just dont make a habit out of it okay?" Ms. Smith repli...

I attempt to throw my empty Pepsi can into the nearest bin

I miss the bin and the can hits a kid, the kid starts crying, I walk up to him and say "don't cry! It was only a soft drink!"

How much do empty batteries cost?

Nothing, they are free of charge.

what do you say when you have an empty pen?

"This Bic empty, YEET"

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a cop pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

The cop says: "Have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

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I recall my fist time with a condom

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she un...

A guy walks into an empty bar with just the bartender there.

He orders the drink. He's sitting there for a few seconds when he hears 'pssh hey! nice tie'.
He looks around nobody's there. Then a few seconds later he hears 'pssh hey! you look like a nice guy'. Still bartender is down there at the bar. Then again he hears 'pssh hey! we should be friends'. ...

A guy sits next to an empty seat at the Super Bowl.

Another man comes up to him and asks “Is that seat taken?”

The guy replies “It was for my wife but she passed away”

The man then says “I’m sorry, do you not have any friends or family to take her place?”

The guy says “Yes but they’re all at the funeral.”

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Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty.

I lost my shit.

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What do a Prostitute and a Empty Lot have in common?

They both say " coming soon ", and they are both lying

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"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist.

"The glass is half full" says the optimist.

"While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist.

"That wasn't water" says the urologist.

An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained,

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing." The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbour?" "Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open."

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

What do you get when you empty the Smithsonian?

The Air and Space Museum

I went to the shops to buy some apples, oranges and bananas... I came back empty handed.

It was a fruitless endeavour.

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.

Have you heard about the man with an irrational fear of empty spaces?

Nothing scares him

So, a guy is at the Superbowl championship game when he notices the seat next to his is empty.

He finds this very odd but forgets about it quickly. A little bit later he notices that the seat is still empty. He tries to forget about it and focus on the game. An empty seat at the Superbowl is just too weird though. He then asks the guy in the seat two seats over if he knows what's up with the ...

Two guys are standing in an empty warehouse at night, looking around

One of them turns to the other one and says, “You know, maybe we should start talkIng about Fight Club.”

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A man is fucking a woman in the car in an empty parking lot.

A police cruiser stops and the cop gets out. He knocks on the door. The guy rolls down the window.

Cop - what you are doing here is illegal. Now either you go to jail or I am next when you are finished with her.

Man - it’s ok but I have never fucked a cop before.

A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you’re a pessimist.

I asked my wife why there was an empty milk bottle in the fridge?

"In case someone wants a black coffee."

Did you hear about the guy who tried to run a race with empty two-liters as shoes?

Yeah... He was soda feeted.

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

A man carrying a baby walks into an empty hotel bar...

... sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender attempts to strike up a conversation.



"So... what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a condom salesman."

"And why are you carrying a baby around?

"Dealing with a customer complaint."

An empty water bottle walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Go home. You’re drunk.”

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A man is walking down an empty beach...

Suddenly he hears someone crying in the distance.
He finds a woman, with no arms and no legs, sitting alone in the sand and crying.

“Why are you here crying by your self miss?” He asks.

“Well, I’ve been this way my whole life and... I’ve never been kissed by a man!”

“I’ll kis...

How can a room of married people be empty?

Because there isn't a single person in the room!

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I grew up poor but I didn't know I was poor. My mom would always lie to us. One Christmas she said she was going to give us dolls. But they were really just empty bottles of mrs. Butterworth's.

She said no, that's kitchen Barbie :-)

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the fune...

Riddle: A King has 3 cups in front of him. The first two cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name??

King Philip III

A man looks around the football stadium to find a good seat. He sees a man sitting next to an empty seat in the front row. He walks up to the man.

“Hello, I need a seat, is this one taken?”

“Not anymore, it’s was suppose to be my wife’s.”

“Why isn’t she here?”

“She died.”

“I’m sorry for your loss but why not give the seat to another family member or friend?”

“They’re all at her funeral.”

I’m a glass is always half empty kinda guy.

I’m not pessimistic, I’m just a raging alcoholic.

A man takes his seat in the front row of the World Cup Final

He looks across and notices an empty seat between him and the next guy.

The man said, “Who would ever want to miss the World Cup?”
The other man replied, “It’s my wife’s spot, we have gone to the past 4 World Cup finals together but she died recently
The man asked, “I’m so sorry.. Where...

Mrs. Sue, a teacher, is about to start her first class for the year when she notices quite a few empty chairs

She decides to start class when suddenly a boy walks in.

Mrs. Sue: You’re late. What is your name, and where have you been?

Billy: Sorry Mrs. Sue. I’m Billy, and I was on top of Cherry Hill.

Mrs. Sue dismissed him to sit down.

A few minutes later another boy walks in.
...

Optimist: "This glass is half-full." Pessimist: "This glass is half-empty."

EA Employee: "Download the next half for $9.99!"

After years of empty promises about "buckling down and flying right,"...

.. Greece has finally set the place on fire for the insurance money.

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It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked...

What do you call an empty, self-aware 2-dimensional space?

Descartes Blanche

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BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Willis found dead surrounded by 70 empty Viagra bottles.

Looks like he...died hard.

To the guy that found my empty wallet.

I don’t know how to repay you.

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.

He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs ...

You know when you open a pistachio and it's empty inside?

That's getting to know me, in a nutshell.

At a job interview, I sat down at at the table and in front of me was a pitcher of water and an empty cup. I poured too much and the cup started to overflow.

"Nervous?" The interviewer asked me.
"No," I responded, "I always give 110%"

The empty house across the street

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are sitting on a porch having a beer and looking at the empty house across the street.

They see two people walk in through the front door, and an hour later three people walk out.

“How interesting!” said the biologist. “They must have...

What's orange, empty headed, and tries to be scary?

A jack o'lantern!

Guy is sitting in a bar when the bartender notices the empty glass in front of him. "Care for another?" the bartender asks.

Guy replies "why would I want two empty glasses?"

What did the captain of the Titanic say to the guy lowering a half empty lifeboat?

Too soon.

How many cats can be put in an empty box?

Only one, it's no longer empty after the first

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After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.

The first reads "Hamburger: $5," the second reads "Cheeseburger: $6," and the third reads "Handjob: $10." As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, "What can I do for you, hon?"

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" asked...

A drunk man staggers into an empty church.

He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ...

My Dad has a strange hobby, he likes to collect empty liquor bottles...

...well it sounds so much better than calling him an alcoholic.

What do you call a bartender with an empty glass?

Phil

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

Two men are sat at a cup final with an empty seat between them.....

The younger man says " I cant believe there is an empty seat here on a match of this importance"

"It was my wife seat, but she recently passed away" replied the older guy.

"oh im sorry to hear that, didnt you have any friends or family that wanted to come with you today?" Said the youn...

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me"...

Why is every 3rd pool in Germany empty?

Eins
Zwei
Drei

Why did the cops arrest the big empty room?

It was so spacious.

Even with 4 million subscribers, /r/jokes sounds like a big empty hall.

I can hear jokes echoing again and again.

Two beers sitting in a bar

Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"

"can't" the empty one replies, "Im drunk"

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