Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recall my fist time with a condom

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she un...

A guy walks into an empty bar with just the bartender there.

He orders the drink. He's sitting there for a few seconds when he hears 'pssh hey! nice tie'.
He looks around nobody's there. Then a few seconds later he hears 'pssh hey! you look like a nice guy'. Still bartender is down there at the bar. Then again he hears 'pssh hey! we should be friends'. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty.

I lost my shit.

What do a Prostitute and a Empty Lot have in common?

They both say " coming soon ", and they are both lying

So, a guy is at the Superbowl championship game when he notices the seat next to his is empty.

He finds this very odd but forgets about it quickly. A little bit later he notices that the seat is still empty. He tries to forget about it and focus on the game. An empty seat at the Superbowl is just too weird though. He then asks the guy in the seat two seats over if he knows what's up with the ...

It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

What do you get when you empty the Smithsonian?

The Air and Space Museum

I went to the shops to buy some apples, oranges and bananas... I came back empty handed.

It was a fruitless endeavour.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

There are 3 types of people in the world: Glass half-full people, glass half-empty people,

And kids with antivax parents, who never live long enough to form an opinion

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist.

"The glass is half full" says the optimist.

"While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist.

"That wasn't water" says the urologist.

Have you heard about the man with an irrational fear of empty spaces?

Nothing scares him

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Two guys are standing in an empty warehouse at night, looking around

One of them turns to the other one and says, “You know, maybe we should start talkIng about Fight Club.”

Did you hear about the guy who tried to run a race with empty two-liters as shoes?

Yeah... He was soda feeted.

A man carrying a baby walks into an empty hotel bar...

... sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender attempts to strike up a conversation.

​

"So... what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a condom salesman."

"And why are you carrying a baby around?

"Dealing with a customer complaint."

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is fucking a woman in the car in an empty parking lot.

A police cruiser stops and the cop gets out. He knocks on the door. The guy rolls down the window.

Cop - what you are doing here is illegal. Now either you go to jail or I am next when you are finished with her.

Man - it’s ok but I have never fucked a cop before.

An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained,

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing." The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbour?" "Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open."

What do you call an empty can of cheese-whiz?

Cheese was

A Man walks into a Juice bar and finds it empty

A Man walks into a Juice bar and finds it empty
Then the bartender says:

,,What did you expect? a punchline?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking down an empty beach...

Suddenly he hears someone crying in the distance.
He finds a woman, with no arms and no legs, sitting alone in the sand and crying.

“Why are you here crying by your self miss?” He asks.

“Well, I’ve been this way my whole life and... I’ve never been kissed by a man!”

“I’ll kis...

I’m a glass is always half empty kinda guy.

I’m not pessimistic, I’m just a raging alcoholic.

An empty water bottle walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Go home. You’re drunk.”

A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you’re a pessimist.

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

I asked my wife why there was an empty milk bottle in the fridge?

"In case someone wants a black coffee."

How can a room of married people be empty?

Because there isn't a single person in the room!

A man looks around the football stadium to find a good seat. He sees a man sitting next to an empty seat in the front row. He walks up to the man.

“Hello, I need a seat, is this one taken?”

“Not anymore, it’s was suppose to be my wife’s.”

“Why isn’t she here?”

“She died.”

“I’m sorry for your loss but why not give the seat to another family member or friend?”

“They’re all at her funeral.”

A man takes his seat in the front row of the World Cup Final

He looks across and notices an empty seat between him and the next guy.

The man said, “Who would ever want to miss the World Cup?”
The other man replied, “It’s my wife’s spot, we have gone to the past 4 World Cup finals together but she died recently
The man asked, “I’m so sorry.. Where...

What do you call an empty cup of coffee?

Depresso

Why was the mathematician disappointed by the empty morgue?

There was no body to count on.

Mrs. Sue, a teacher, is about to start her first class for the year when she notices quite a few empty chairs

She decides to start class when suddenly a boy walks in.

Mrs. Sue: You’re late. What is your name, and where have you been?

Billy: Sorry Mrs. Sue. I’m Billy, and I was on top of Cherry Hill.

Mrs. Sue dismissed him to sit down.

A few minutes later another boy walks in.
...

After years of empty promises about "buckling down and flying right,"...

.. Greece has finally set the place on fire for the insurance money.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I grew up poor but I didn't know I was poor. My mom would always lie to us. One Christmas she said she was going to give us dolls. But they were really just empty bottles of mrs. Butterworth's.

She said no, that's kitchen Barbie :-)

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the fune...

Riddle: A King has 3 cups in front of him. The first two cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name??

King Philip III

To the guy that found my empty wallet.

I don’t know how to repay you.

What do you call an empty, self-aware 2-dimensional space?

Descartes Blanche

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.

He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs ...

Optimist: "This glass is half-full." Pessimist: "This glass is half-empty."

EA Employee: "Download the next half for $9.99!"

You know when you open a pistachio and it's empty inside?

That's getting to know me, in a nutshell.

The empty house across the street

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are sitting on a porch having a beer and looking at the empty house across the street.

They see two people walk in through the front door, and an hour later three people walk out.

“How interesting!” said the biologist. “They must have...

What did the captain of the Titanic say to the guy lowering a half empty lifeboat?

Too soon.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I w...

Cat complains that food bowl is empty when it’s actually full.

Fake mews.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Willis found dead surrounded by 70 empty Viagra bottles.

Looks like he...died hard.

Guy is sitting in a bar when the bartender notices the empty glass in front of him. "Care for another?" the bartender asks.

Guy replies "why would I want two empty glasses?"

At a job interview, I sat down at at the table and in front of me was a pitcher of water and an empty cup. I poured too much and the cup started to overflow.

"Nervous?" The interviewer asked me.
"No," I responded, "I always give 110%"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked...

What's orange, empty headed, and tries to be scary?

A jack o'lantern!

How many cats can be put in an empty box?

Only one, it's no longer empty after the first

I found my girlfriend slumped over Hadrian's Wall with an empty vodka bottle in her hand.

I'm worried she's becoming a borderline alcoholic.

What do you call a bartender with an empty glass?

Phil

My Dad has a strange hobby, he likes to collect empty liquor bottles...

...well it sounds so much better than calling him an alcoholic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man is walking home from work

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company. He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curvin...

A drunk man staggers into an empty church.

He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ...

Two men are sat at a cup final with an empty seat between them.....

The younger man says " I cant believe there is an empty seat here on a match of this importance"

"It was my wife seat, but she recently passed away" replied the older guy.

"oh im sorry to hear that, didnt you have any friends or family that wanted to come with you today?" Said the youn...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

Why is every 3rd pool in Germany empty?

Eins
Zwei
Drei

Why did the cops arrest the big empty room?

It was so spacious.

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.

The first reads "Hamburger: $5," the second reads "Cheeseburger: $6," and the third reads "Handjob: $10." As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, "What can I do for you, hon?"

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" asked...

How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

Two beers sitting in a bar

Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"

"can't" the empty one replies, "Im drunk"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend went to the sex shop to buy a vibrator but came home empty handed.

She said that nothing tickled her fancy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

After drifting through empty space for almost 50 years, what is Pioneer 9's favorite cheese?

*probe-alone*

Why is it bad to write on an empty stomach?

Paper works better.

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty building they think is empty.

They see two people go in and after several hours, they see three people leave.

The biologist says: "They must have procreated."

the physicist says: "Our initial assumption about the building must have been incorrect."

the mathematician says: "If one more person enters that bui...

Even with 4 million subscribers, /r/jokes sounds like a big empty hall.

I can hear jokes echoing again and again.

Why did the robot kill someone with its empty battery?

So it would get charged with murder.

Why does a blonde put empty bottles in her fridge?

For guests that aren't thirsty.

What do you find in an empty nose?

Fingerprints.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

Someone stole my empty batteries....

But it's ok, they were free of charge!