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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON"....

(stand back and watch the fun.)

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”

The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst… that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The barte...

Which nobleman owns a lot of empty property?

Baron Wasteland.

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Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me.


URGENTLY!

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The airplane is already full, passengers seated, but the cockpit is empty

Suddenly the rear door of the plane opens, and the two pilots make their way in - one is using a blind man cane, the other a guide dog. Slowly they make their way forward through the aisle in the general laughter of the passengers.

But the laughter dies down as the pilots enter the cockpit an...

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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for an empty glass

The bartender gives him the glass. Then he says to the bartender "I bet 100$ I can piss into this glass from a meter away without a single drop on the floor". The bartender agrees, puts the glass on a table and stands next to it. The guy takes three steps back, pulls his pants down and starts peeing...

I ordered contact lenses last week and only received an empty box

Apparently it was a contactless delivery

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Me: "i'm terrified of those big empty spaces people yell into."

Therapist: "A void."

Me: "Good advice, thank you."

What does a graffiti artist call an empty wall?

A blanksy

A mathematician walked into a restaurant, and there was Euler himself, eating from an empty plate.

"What are you doing?" The mathematician asked, confused.

"I'm eating my pie, what does it look like?". Euler replied.

The mathematician knew Euler was a weird guy, but he wasn't going to pass on the opportunity to talk to one of his heroes, so he walked up to the stool beside him.
<...

Why is an empty champagne bottle like an orphan?

Because it has lost its pops

A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III

An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.

Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

I went to an empty zoo...

All they had was one dog in a cage. I guess you could call it a Shih Tzu

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it...

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

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What does ejaculation and an empty life have in common?

Nuttin

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?

*Because there wasn't a single person there.*

The NFL is considering having their teams play to empty stadiums and no fans.

The Lions have been preparing for this their whole lives.

Late night At an empty gas station a man fills up his car and pays for the fuel...

He gets into the car and grips the steering wheel tightly before saying: now only one of us is empty..

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

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A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:

Woman: Is there a problem Officer.

Officer: ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Offic...

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An old man walks into an empty bar

The young male bartender greets him and the old man says "Give me a margarita, virgin"
The bartender makes for him a margarita with no alcohol.
The old man spits it out and exclaims "What's this, virgin? Where's my tequila?"
Bartender says "well sir, a virgin margarita has no alcohol"
Ol...

I saw a man at the Super Bowl with an empty seat next to him.

I lean over and ask him how there is an empty seat. He told me that he bought the tickets several months ago for him and his wife, but the wife unfortunately passed. I give my condolences, and I ask him why none of his family members took the ticket. He responded that they are all at the funeral.

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were sitting around discussing their daughters...

Brunette: "I found empty beer cans in my daughter's bedroom. I can't believe she's drinking!"

Redhead: "Well, I found cigarette butts in my daughter's bedroom. I can't believe she's smoking!"

Blonde: "And *I* found used condoms in my daughter's bedroom. I can't believe she has a dick!"

I went to a Bengals game last year when they were playing the Patriots. The stadium wasn’t completely empty, as a matter of fact I was sitting beside a man with a German Shepard.

This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the fourth quarter the Bengals were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (34-13 for the Pats) the dog started openly and inconsolably weepin...

Scientists have discovered a stone tablet 60,000 years old inscibed with pictographs describing the idea of "the glass half empty or half full."

They are calling the prehistoric philosopher "optimist prime."

I haven't seen shelves this empty

Since Paris Hilton showed me her personal library

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The optometrist says you need new glasses.

A man with a new sports car was speeding down an empty road late at night.

Suddenly he heard sirens behind him. He looked in his rearview mirror to see the flashing lights of a police car. The man thought to himself “I can outrun this guy.” And stepped on the accelerator. He kept accelerating. 90 miles an hour. 100. 110. 120.

After a few minutes he realized how stup...

Is it better to write on a full stomach or an empty one?

It is better to write on paper

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

A blonde is throwing out an entire trash bag of empty shampoo bottles.

Her neighbor approaches her and says, "wow. that's a lot of shampoo bottles." She says, "of course! I go through one bottle a day. Just following directions." The neighbor, perplexed, says, "what do you mean? Following directions?" The blonde says, "well it says to 'Rinse, Lather, And Repeat' but it...

Art Teacher: Why are you staring at an empty piece of paper?

I'm drawing a blank.

Christmas Pro Tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. When your kids act up, throw one in the fireplace.

"But what do I do when I run out of kids?"

The Glass

Happy person: The glass is half full

Depressed person: The glass is half empty

The Engineer: The glass is twice as big as necessary.

I remember my first time using a condom...

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and knew if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped...

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An elderly man went into his doctor office for his yearly physical when his doctor handed him a jar and asked him for a sperm sample.

The doctor gave the man his jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow so we can get a sperm count."

The next day the 89-year-old man walked into the doctor's office and gave him the jar. However the jar was as spotless and empty as it was when the doctor gave ...

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Caught empty handed by toilet paper shortages?

I guess that's why hind sight is 2020.

An empty beer bottle walks into a bar and asks to be filled with their finest ale.

The bartender says, "sorry I can't serve you, I can see you're already drunk".

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3 guys walk into a bar...

3 guys walk into the bar, and soon begin a competition.

The first man says, "I have small arms, I bet I have the smallest arms in the world!"

The second man carries on, "I have tiny feet, I bet I have the smallest feet in the world!"

The third man stands up proudly, and announce...

Here in WA state we had our first official Corona virus death near Seattle. Our grocery stores are practically empty from widespread panic. I really don't understand.

It's not going to last. It's made in China.

(Not mine) There was an experiment: a physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were locked up in in three absolutely empty rooms for 8 hours. Each of them was given a chest of food that should be unlocked somehow. After the term passed, the experimenters opened the door with the physician...

He was fine. Next to him was a broken empty chest. They asked "How did you manage to open it?". The answer was "I was simply throwing the chest against the walls and it broke". Then the experimenters opened the room with the engineer. He was also Ok and he he said that he had opened the chest after ...

There is a pier with two docks. An empty boat pulls up, which dock do the passengers unboard onto?

Well that's the thing, it's a paradox

Why was Santa's sack empty at the end of Christmas night?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

There are 3 types of people

Them: "the glass is half full"

Others: "the glass is half empty"

Me: "they didn't get my order right"

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Me and my family recently went to a zoo

It had bad ratings on websites. When we went there it was completely empty except one small dog

It was a shit zoo

Did you hear about the lawyer who came to the court with an empty bag?

It was a brief case.

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Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

I was confused as to why my neighbor started selling empty perfume bottles...

It made no scents

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was...

God In The Parking Lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space for me, I swear that I’ll give up the drink and go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says “Nev...

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Being a thief isn't always easy. A lot of times, I'll demand for someone to empty their pockets...

...just for them to empty their bladder instead. It's not a hard instruction.

A drunk man looking at his empty bottle of beers...

Drunk : ( picking up 1 empty bottle ) You're the reason my wife left me! ( then throws it on the wall )

Then he picks up another empty bottle.

Drunk : You're the reason my children left me! Then throws it against the wall!

Then he picks up another empty bottle.

Drunk : Y...

I grabbed the chips out of the pantry

and looked through the fridge for some dip.

It wasn't where I thought it should be.

I glanced in askance towards my wife who was warming up noodles on the stove.

Next to her on the counter, a visibly empty jar.

Aghast, I shouted: "That was NACHO CHEESE!"

A man walks into a bar

He sits down and asks the bartender: "Can I have 8 beer please?"

The man gets his 8 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all 8 glasses are empty.

Now he asks: "Can I please have 6 more beers?"

The man gets his 6 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all ...

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my...

Help! What to do with a piece of empty Real Estate?

It was my Christmas gift for Mariah Carey, but when I gave it to her she told me,
"I don't want a lot for Christmas"

What's four inches long, two inches wide and always disappoints women?

An empty toilet roll

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A man walks into a bar and finds that it's pretty empty.

He looks around and only sees the bartender and what appears to be his pet monkey. Curious, he asks the bartender about the monkey.

"Oh that's my special monkey." The bartender says. "Let me show you."

The bartender picks up a baseball bat from under the bar, turns around and cracks t...

My maths tutor told me to get to his house at ten past one.

So I turned up at eleven but the place was empty.

What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Wuz

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The...

A reporter went to a mental hospital to talk with the doctor.

Reporter: Doctor, how do you decide who to admit and who not to?

Doctor: We give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket and tell them to empty a bathtub filled with water.

Reporter: That's smart as a sane person will use the bucket to empty it.

Doctor: A sane person will remove...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Car Keys

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is,...

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

Why did the hipster empty water from an ice cube tray into his drink?

He liked ice before it was cool

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartend...

It doesn't matter whether your cup's half-full or half-empty

You're still wearing the wrong bra

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An old man grabs a seat at the bar...

An old man grabs a seat at the bar and order a double scotch, which the barman promptly serves him. After drinking all his glass in one shot, he asks for another one, which the barman serves him.

The old man then say "How about a little friendly bet my friend?". The barman repond "why not" a...

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?

Nothing.

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A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.

The devil took him to the first room.

The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again.
The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you ta...

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The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island

He’s stranded alone on the island for over ten years surviving on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks h...

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Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty

I lost my shit

Perspective

The optimist says "The glass is half full."

The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."

The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."

Aprils fools

A mom comes home from work on aprils fools and the lil bro runs up to her screaming mom mom bro hanged himself in the bedroom, petrified she makes a run for the bedroom and its empty. Turns to her kid in relief telling him that this is not the apropriate joke, while he says aprils fooooools, hes han...

Basketball hasn’t changed one bit...

WNBA games are still empty.

We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

A buddha puts a hotdog stand and gets a customer...

"I want one with everything!" says the guy to the solemn looking monk. With ceremonious presicion and speed the guy virtually assembles the hot dog with all the sauces, condiments and extras in mid air.

Within seconds he hands the hotdog to the baffled guy. "That'll be 5 dollars sir."
...

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The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

We recently bought a Roomba...

It requires keeping it's rollers clean, it's sensors clean, it's bag empty, it's charger station free of dust... I have officially become the vacuum cleaner.

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

Its time for class, Ms. Smith noticed a few empty seats, 3 students were late.

"Good morning everyone, we have a new student to greet today, his name is Timmy, although he appears to be late."

Just then, Jen walks into class "sorry im late Ms. Smith, I lost track of time while blowing bubbles."
"That's okay Jen, just dont make a habit out of it okay?" Ms. Smith repli...

English man irish man and a scotsman

Was all in court and the judge said we find you guilty and we will give you parole in 10 years, but until then i can grant you one thing that you can have in your cell that will be restocked every day until then.

The scots man said, BEER i want lots of beer to help me sleep at night to help w...

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An earlier joke on the sub reminded me of this old classic...

Three men are at a bar, drinking around a table.
One gulps his beer and loudly brags, "Last night I made love to my wife four times! She said in the morning it was the best sex she's ever had!"

Another slams his empty mug down and boasts, "That's nothing! I just fucked my wife *nine* times...

Space isn’t as empty as we think. It actually contains everything in the universe.

Except a girlfriend for me apparently.

A guy walks into an empty bar with just the bartender there.

He orders the drink. He's sitting there for a few seconds when he hears 'pssh hey! nice tie'.
He looks around nobody's there. Then a few seconds later he hears 'pssh hey! you look like a nice guy'. Still bartender is down there at the bar. Then again he hears 'pssh hey! we should be friends'. ...

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you can’t take meds on an empty stomach!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sitting at a bar orders a bottle of whiskey

He then starts taking long sips from the bottle until it's empty. An hour later he decides he's too drunk and he needs to go back home to his wife. He makes an attempt to stand up but fails miserably, throwing himself on the floor.

The bartender helps him back on his chair and tells him to wa...

[CLEAN] A blonde, brunette, and red-head are all on the run from the law...

They find shelter in an abandoned potato factory and each hide in an empty sack. The cops find the sacks and an officer kicks the first one. The brunette says, "Meowww" with her best cat impression. The lieutenant yells, "Leave that sack be! We don't need a cat clawing our ankles. Another officer ki...

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