I have an emo lawn…

It’s great because it cuts itself

I have a chicken proof lawn

It's impeccable

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Every morning a German Shepherd craps on my lawn.

Some days he brings his dog.

I was out mowing my lawn...

I was out mowing my lawn. When I had to stop and refill the mower with gasoline.

The gas can broke and spilled gasoline into a puddle. I went to get some absorbent to clean up the mess but found the local stray cat had lapped up all that spilled gasoline.

I tried catch it, but it wen...

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

A man and his grandson are playing on the front lawn

His grandson sees a worm crawling against the wooden fence and then turns to his grandpa.

"I bet you $5 that I can make that worm fit through a straw"

The grandpa, confused, responds
"I'll take that bet, no way you can fit a worm throw a straw. It's way too limp"

The grandson...

A boy and his grandfather are standing on the lawn, and they see a worm struggling to get into a hole in the ground.

“I can get the worm back into the hole,” said the boy.

“Bet you five dollars you can’t,” said Grandpa. “The worm’s too limp and wriggly to fit into that tiny hole.”

The boy runs inside and comes back with a bottle of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it’s stiff and stuffs it into th...

What do you call an Irish guy who sells lawn chairs?

Patty O'Furniture

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Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company?

His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson

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A woman and her annoying nephew entered a lawn bowling contest.

The sun was out, the grounds had been immaculately prepared and every retiree within city limits had turned out for the event. Pearl had to admit that she was feeling better about the day now that it had finally arrived.

A few weeks ago when her delinquent of a sister had foisted her awful...

What was Rob Halfords favorite chore growing up?

Raking the lawn, Raking the lawn!

How come the lawn of a graveyard needs to be mowed so often?

Because of everybody pushing up the daisies

Tesla have just announced their new lawn mower

E Lawn

I like my lawn like Captain Kirk likes his women.

Thick, lush, soft, and green.

"Honey, let's just a couple of sheep so we don't have to mow the lawn." -- "Oh, but what would we do with the wool?" -- "Well, we could-"

shear it

wash it

dry it

pick it

card it

bag it

store it

sell it

process it

clean it

buy it

keep it

pack it

send it

mail

insulate it

mulch it

fertilise it

toss it

compo...

What do you get when a Smurf pees on your lawn?

Bluegrass

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...

Dear Charlie, We’ve been neighbors for 6 tumultuous years.

When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces.

When I was sick, you blasted Metallica.

And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed.

I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.

Co...

This Spanish man on my lawn is so demanding

I keep giving him blankets to sit on and all he will say in response is 'grassy ass'

What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry.

Guess it's time to watermalawn.

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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

What’s Irish and lays out on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick’s Day party?

Patty O’furniture

Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn

He just wasn't cutting it

An old man moves into a new home in the countryside after his wife dies.

A few weeks later his son comes to visit him and finds that his father is very depressed. He doesn’t even get out of bed to greet him and doesn’t seem to have any excitement to see him. He also notices that his father rarely leaves the house and mostly just mopes around the house. The next evening, ...

Politics...

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food ...

I couldn’t believe it when I looked out my window and saw my seeing-impaired neighbour cutting his lawn.

It was blind-mowing!

An Irishman on how to mow lawns...

An Irishman is driving down the road with his son, when he sees a truck carrying a load of turf on the back.


He points to the truck & says: 'Son, When I get rich that's what I wan't to do'


The son says: 'Be a truck driver?'

The Irishman says: 'No, be rich enough ...

What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning?

Fawn dew.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what? "At that point I would h...

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

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I work for company that paints lawns green in dry climates. Someday I will own my own upholstery business. I want to make car seats out of animal hides...

...but, I dye grass.

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win da lottery.'

'What's dat,' says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut.'

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

Local handyman comes to my house to give quotes..

I show him the kitchen that needs repainting.

"€30" he says, before walking to the window, opening it and screaming out "Green side up! Green side up!".

Ignoring the outburst because the price was so good I show him the bathroom that needs retiling.

"€30" he says, before again ...

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a fat, juicy steak?

I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

Starting as a gardener, I found cleaning moss from lawns boring, I hated it.

But, after 5 years, I’ve started to take a lichen to it.

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What did the Chihuahua say to the homeowner after wiping its butt on the lawn?

Grassy-ass amigo!

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

What does an Icelander use to clean their lawn?

A Reyk-javik.

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

I walked into the lawn and saw my father digging a deep hole

There was still water at the base of the hole.

“What the hell is that dad?”

“Well, son”

“Yes dad?”

As George got home a long day, his wife asked him to mow the lawn that evening.

"Why do I have to the lawn now?" he asked.

"Because the neighbors are going to think we are slobs, and lazy!" Martha said.

They argued for several minutes, and George threw up his hands. "I don't care WHAT the neighbors think!" he yelled. "In fact, I'll go outside right now and mow...

Sometimes I wish my lawn was emo

So it could cut itself

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Guy and his Buddy are carpooling

and see a pair of dogs fucking on a lawn as they drive by.

Guy says to his buddy, "man, I sure wish I could get my old lady to let me give it to her like that".

Buddy says, "shit man, just give her two shots of tequila, she'll let you hit it however you want."

Next day Guy say...

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Two parents want to have sex

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're ...

Someone's been secretly dumping top soil on my lawn...

The plot thickens...

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

Two kids playing on the lawn

And one asks the other one "Hey, know how to ride a bycicle without the training wheels yet?"

"No, i donna" the other kid shrugged "You?"

"Nope, i donnie either"

Then their elder neighbor, who was watching them while watering her flowers, stopped what she was doing and approache...

Just got fired from my lawn maintence job.

Apparently I just wasn't cutting it.

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

A rabbi and a priest are discussing their dreams

"I dreamt of the jewish heaven the other night" says the priest "It was horrible, a slum overflowing with people! It was chaos, I tell you, all the people talking and walking around! And making so much noise... Thank God I woke up from that nightmare!"

"Interesting" says the rabbi "The other ...

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pa...

Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression

It would cut itself

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One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.

The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".

Why couldn't the retired pimp water his lawn?

He no longer had any hose!

Translated from german: What's red, triangular and flies over the lawn?

A red triangle.

What's black, triangular and flies over the lawn?

...

The shadow of the red triangle.

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When I got home yesterday I saw my girlfriend had thrown all my stuff onto the front lawn.

I asked her what she doing and she said "I saw your browser history! Get out of my life you paedophile!"

I thought this was absolutely crazy!

When the fuck did they start teaching words like "paedophile" to eight year-olds?

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

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Earlier today a German Shepard jumped over the fence and took a shit on my lawn

Then 30 minutes later his dog came and did the same thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has happened when the weeds take over your lawn?

A coup de grass.

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

What do you call a blue bird who’s got run over by a lawn mower?

Shredded tweet



I’ll show myself out

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

White House Lawn Vandalized

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the lawn, he sees "Donald Trump Sucks" written in urine across the snow. Well, he's is pretty ticked off.

He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote an insult in the sno...

After my breakup I moved into a new place and bought a dalmatian. Every day I took that dog for a walk past our old place and, day after day, I trained him to pee in her flowerbed and take a dump on her lawn. . .

It was a classic case of Spot Marks the Ex!

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This is getting way out of hand. For the past week, every morning at 6am sharp, a German Shepherd has come in to my garden and taken a giant poop, right there on the lawn. And you'll never believe what happened today...

He brought his dog with him.

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I saw my neighbour crying while mowing the lawn

So I went outside to talk to him. I said:

"Tom you're a great dude but you're such a crybaby sometimes. I know your wife left you but she was a bitch! I had a girl leave me because she was sick of my shit but you don't see me bawling my eyes out about it!"

He tried to reply but his eye...

Why did Obi Wan Kenobi fertilize his lawn with marijuana?

He wanted the high ground.

Did I tell you I ran over my mother-in-law's foot the other day with the lawn mower?

I told my wife we should have buried her deeper.

Heard about the new Emo-grass for your lawn?

It cuts itself.

What's grey and red and goes 100mph?

A baby bunny being discharged from my lawn mower.

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A drunk is passed out in a local park, face down in the freshly cut grass. He finally comes to, staggers to the bar accross the street and goes in.

The bartender looks up and says, "Why the lawn face?"

The pink, plastic birds that are popular lawn ornaments in Florida.....

are they called, "Placebo Flamingos"?

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I caught my neighbors dog taking a shit on my lawn this morning so I put it in his mailbox.

Well, not all of it. Just the legs and tail.

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A general store owner needs some help in sales

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid" The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?" again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, and asks w...

Annoying Mole

Mary looks out her kitchen window and sees that a mole has practically destroyed the back lawn, so she tells her husband, Paddy, to go out and kill it and to show no mercy. After ten minutes, Paddy comes back into the house with an evil grin on his face.

"So," says Mary, "did you drown the fe...

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is this 'Foreclosure’ guy? And what is he running for?

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

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Little Johnny: Contagious

The teacher asks the class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence, and see's only one hand go up, yes the dreaded Little Johnny, Knowing full well she is about to be burned yet again by this little shit. She sighs and tells him to go ahead.

With a glint in his eye, Little johnny proceeds:...

Too Hot

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey," he continued, "what would then neighbors think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

His wife thought for a moment, then replied, "That I married you for your money."

An American and Mexican business men talk about getting rich

There is a conference in DC and a Mexican and American guy meet and talk about highway infrastructure projects. The American invites the Mexican to his home. They show up in a Cadillac where the American invites him inside and they go up to the second story balcony. He points below and says, see tha...

What Irish and sits on your lawn?

Paddy-O Furniture

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I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

I'd been out drinking, and knew I'd had way too much to drive my car safely.

I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as balls, there was a damn bus on my lawn and I don't know what the hell is goin...

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A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

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Retirement is different for everyone..

One day while going to the store I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass!

Of course I thought this was a bit unusual, but I continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six ol...

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

What do you call a well dressed lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythm?

A metro-gnome

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I've woken up everyday, opened the curtains to find a German shepherd taking a shit on my lawn..

And this morning the cheeky bastard brought his dog with him.

What did the grumpy old British guy use to keep kids off his lawn?

Sod-off shotgun

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

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A woman frantically calls 9-1-1 and says, "There's a Democrat jerking off on my lawn!"

The dispatcher says, "OK ma'am, I've got a squad car on the way ... but tell me, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

She says, "Well if he was a Republican, wouldn't he be fucking someone?"

*(rearrange political parties to your own preference)*

What does the Italian soldier say to the gardener that just ruined his lawn?

Its Apache

The president opens his curtains on a snowy morning when he sees that someone had urinated the words "The president sucks" on the lawn.

Furious, the president orders the FBI to launch an investigation.

Two hours later, the head of the FBI calls the president. "Sir, we have bad news, and we have even worse news. The urine was the Vice Presidents".

The President responds, "What? What could be worse than this?"

Th...

What did the cobbler say to get the slavs off his lawn?

Shoe polish

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I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning

This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .

My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn.

I said, “just dew it.”

Two hillbillies were sipping shine on the front porch

When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.

“I’m a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery” announced hillbilly #1.

“Do wuuuut?” Asked hillbilly #2.

“Send my lawn out to git mowed.”

A priest buys a lawn mower at a garage sale

Back at home, he pulls on the rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the garage sale and tells the previous owner "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started, says the man."

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how...

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls...

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

What do you call the terms describing lawn ornaments?

Gnomenclature

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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said

'Keep off the Grass.'

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.

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