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Lawn Jokes

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon little Johnny trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said little Johnny.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

Little Johnny said, "Mister, y...

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

I have a chicken proof lawn.

It's impeckable.

Our lawn mower broke

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her poi...

My first wife used to mow the lawn naked.

My neighbors always knew I married her for her money.

The band Static X just designed a lawn mower

Yeah... you push it.

A donkey fell out of the sky into my lawn!

Meet Eeyore.

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

I saw two kids damaging my front lawn with a network device.

So I modem down.

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how ...

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Two lawn workers were taking a break in the yard

From down the block they heard a familiar mournful tune coming from the local church.

"Guess there's a funeral in town today," one man said. "Wonder who died?"

The second man said "I'm not sure but usually it's the one in the coffin."

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My car screeched to a halt on the front lawn of our house...

I dashed inside and yelled, "Honey! Pack your bags! I won the lottery!!"

From upstairs my wife called out, "That's wonderful dear! What should I pack? Beach clothes? Mountain clothes?"

I yelled back, "I don't care!! Just get the fuck out!!"

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I suspect my neighbor Jackson defecated on my lawn when I was not home.

I asked around to check if there were any witnesses, but everyone says they didn't see jack shit.

Who makes the best lawn chairs in Dublin?

Patty O'Furniture

I put an old lawn mower out on the street, with a “FREE” sign next to it.

Somebody came and took the sign, but left the mower.


Guess I should have been more specific…

My wife says adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava,

but I'm on the fence.

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Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Why wouldn't the pimp water his lawn?

He couldn't trust his hose.

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Every morning a German Shepherd craps on my lawn.

Some days he brings his dog.

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A woman and her annoying nephew entered a lawn bowling contest.

The sun was out, the grounds had been immaculately prepared and every retiree within city limits had turned out for the event. Pearl had to admit that she was feeling better about the day now that it had finally arrived.

A few weeks ago when her delinquent of a sister had foisted her awful...

This Spanish man on my lawn is so demanding

I keep giving him blankets to sit on and all he will say in response is 'grassy ass'

Tesla have just announced their new lawn mower

E Lawn

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

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Earlier today a German Shepard jumped over the fence and took a shit on my lawn

Then 30 minutes later his dog came and did the same thing.

I wish my lawn was emo

Then it would cut itself

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I'm pissed. The window on my house FELL OFF onto my front lawn!

It's a pane in the grass.

I was out mowing my lawn...

I was out mowing my lawn. When I had to stop and refill the mower with gasoline.

The gas can broke and spilled gasoline into a puddle. I went to get some absorbent to clean up the mess but found the local stray cat had lapped up all that spilled gasoline.

I tried catch it, but it wen...

A man and his grandson are playing on the front lawn

His grandson sees a worm crawling against the wooden fence and then turns to his grandpa.

"I bet you $5 that I can make that worm fit through a straw"

The grandpa, confused, responds
"I'll take that bet, no way you can fit a worm throw a straw. It's way too limp"

The grandson...

What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry.

Guess it's time to watermalawn.

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This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn

He just wasn't cutting it

What do you get when a Smurf pees on your lawn?

Bluegrass

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, Sandy tells his mo...

Just got fired from my lawn maintence job.

Apparently I just wasn't cutting it.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

Two kids playing on the lawn

And one asks the other one "Hey, know how to ride a bycicle without the training wheels yet?"

"No, i donna" the other kid shrugged "You?"

"Nope, i donnie either"

Then their elder neighbor, who was watching them while watering her flowers, stopped what she was doing and approache...

I was mowing my lawn and I found a shallow unmarked grave and I can’t stop laughing

I don’t know why I just found this humerus

Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth.

Initially they didn't talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so m...

A married couple with kid gets h*rny...

on a Sunday morning and thinks about how they can have some time to "cuddle". So they tell their son to go stand on the balcony and look if he can see something new going on in the neighbourhood.

So their son stands on the balcony and they get going. After a few minutes he yells: "Dad, dad! T...

Looking Good

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.







Edit: Wow, Thank you for the upvotes and also thanks for the award...

How come the lawn of a graveyard needs to be mowed so often?

Because of everybody pushing up the daisies

I mowed the lawn today, and after

doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.

The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain t...

Someone's been secretly dumping top soil on my lawn...

The plot thickens...

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Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company?

His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

Good reason for a divorce?

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have a couple of acres outside the town, but it does have a big lawn and some fruit trees so it's not like empty ground."

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, ...

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is this 'Foreclosure’ guy? And what is he running for?

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I just reseeded my lawn with emo grass.

It cuts itself...

Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression

It would cut itself

What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning?

Fawn dew.

What Irish and sits on your lawn?

Paddy-O Furniture

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

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What has happened when the weeds take over your lawn?

A coup de grass.

What’s Irish and lays out on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick’s Day party?

Patty O’furniture

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Liar

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. “Evening, boys. What are you doing?” “Nothing much, Pastor,” replied the one lad. “We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life.” “Boys, boys, boys!” intoned the minister. “I'm shocked. When I was you...

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What did the Chihuahua say to the homeowner after wiping its butt on the lawn?

Grassy-ass amigo!

Heard about the new Emo-grass for your lawn?

It cuts itself.

Translated from german: What's red, triangular and flies over the lawn?

A red triangle.

What's black, triangular and flies over the lawn?

...

The shadow of the red triangle.

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The German Shepherd from next door keeps shitting on my lawn

This morning he even brought his dog!

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Two parents want to have sex

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're ...

The pink, plastic birds that are popular lawn ornaments in Florida.....

are they called, "Placebo Flamingos"?

The same German Shepard wanders over my front lawn every day.

Turns out he's just looking for his dog.

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Wife mowing the lawn

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from ...

What do you call the terms describing lawn ornaments?

Gnomenclature

I walked into the lawn and saw my father digging a deep hole

There was still water at the base of the hole.

“What the hell is that dad?”

“Well, son”

“Yes dad?”

A woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.

She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, do you wanna screw for that hinge?"

And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water....

Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

Yellow Snow on the White House lawn

One winter morning, Bill Clinton woke up and looked out the window of his bedroom in the White House. He was shocked to see the words "Bill Sucks" peed in the snow. He called the Secret Service to investigate the matter.

After a few days, the head of the Secret Service reported back to Bill, ...

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Little Johnny is in grade two class when the teacher says, "Okay boys and girls, today we are going to learn a new word."

She writes the word on the chalkboard and asks, "Who knows how to say our new word?"
Little Johnny, who is sitting in the back, puts his hand up and yells, "Oh, I know, I know, pick me, pick me!"
The teacher knows Little Johnny is a troublemaker, and he will probably say something silly, s...

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A guy was watering his lawn

As he was watering his lawn, he noticed a hearse coming down the street followed by another hearse. Behind the second hearse was a man walking a dog, and behind them were like 15 guys walking in a single file line.

The guy watering his lawn walks up to the man with the dog and asks what happe...

What did the cobbler say to get the slavs off his lawn?

Shoe polish

Why did the kid only water half the lawn?

Because there was a 50% chance of rain

A boy and his grandfather are standing on the lawn, and they see a worm struggling to get into a hole in the ground.

“I can get the worm back into the hole,” said the boy.

“Bet you five dollars you can’t,” said Grandpa. “The worm’s too limp and wriggly to fit into that tiny hole.”

The boy runs inside and comes back with a bottle of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it’s stiff and stuffs it into th...

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When I got home yesterday I saw my girlfriend had thrown all my stuff onto the front lawn.

I asked her what she doing and she said "I saw your browser history! Get out of my life you paedophile!"

I thought this was absolutely crazy!

When the fuck did they start teaching words like "paedophile" to eight year-olds?

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

As George got home a long day, his wife asked him to mow the lawn that evening.

"Why do I have to the lawn now?" he asked.

"Because the neighbors are going to think we are slobs, and lazy!" Martha said.

They argued for several minutes, and George threw up his hands. "I don't care WHAT the neighbors think!" he yelled. "In fact, I'll go outside right now and mow...

The Irish Priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring
day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of
his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jack...

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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said

'Keep off the Grass.'

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My neighbor's dog crapped on my lawn again this morning.

They are both pieces of shit.

Why can't your lawn be 3 feet tall?

'Cause then it'd be a yard.

What do you call a blue bird who’s got run over by a lawn mower?

Shredded tweet



I’ll show myself out

Two hillbillies

Two hillbillies were sipping shine on the front porch
When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.

“I’m a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery” announced hillbilly #1.

“Do wuuuut?” Asked hillbilly #2.

“Send my lawn out to git mowed.”

Anyone can use my lawn mower at any time

Given that they don't leave my yard

My son asked me if I wanted him to lightly water my lawn.

I said, “just dew it.”

I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.

He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls...

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

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I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning

This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .

I couldn’t believe it when I looked out my window and saw my seeing-impaired neighbour cutting his lawn.

It was blind-mowing!

What did the grumpy old British guy use to keep kids off his lawn?

Sod-off shotgun

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