Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

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My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

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(NSFW) Kevin had a 16 inch Dick.

Is dick was so big, he couldn't get any gals.

He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.

Doctor: "I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and he'l...

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I have $100,000,000 in the bank and an 11 inch penis.

In binary.

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I finally figured out a method that works to make my penis 8 inches long.

I folded it in half.

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure...

...it's called a "credit card"

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At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an 8 inch penis.

And 3 years later, that priest went to prison.

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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis

The priest is now in jail

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Saw an ad about dildos. It said ‘9 inches and realistic’.

I was like ‘well, which is it?’

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For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

In the future, TVs will be 15 feet wide, only 2 inches tall,

and movies will still have those damn black bars on the top and bottom.

I gave my girlfriend 9 inches last night.

It's a good thing she accepts installment payments.

While browsing the charity shop window I spotted sign that read "4k 60 inch widescreen for $1 because volume is stuck on full" I thought

I can't turn that down!

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Because it would be a foot.

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

I'm 6 foot, 3 inches.

but those two measurements are separate.

I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month.

Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.

What’s four inches long and not getting sucked on Valentine’s Day?

Whitney Houston’s crack pipe.

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Did you hear the one about the runner with a 12 inch penis?

It's a real knee-slapper.

I was talking to a coworker about a project I was working on at home. I didn’t have enough space so I told her I wish I could turn 4 inches into 8

She said she wishes her husband could too

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A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because ...

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Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window

"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger

"Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"

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What’s 15 inches long and dangles in front of an massive asshole?

Rush Limbaughs tie

The human hand has a limit of how long - from wrist to fingertips - it can grow to of 11 inches...

... because if it’s longer than this, it’s a foot.

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A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

I used to love every inch of my wife, but it's been difficult of late.

I still love her, I'm just measuring in feet now.

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

What is six inches long, fits in your mouth, and is more fun when it vibrates?

A toothbrush, you perverts.

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The fly that came down four inches NSFW Long

Once apon a time there was a fly buzzing above a river. He did not know that a Trout was watching him and the fish said "If that fly comes down four inches I'm gonna jump up and eat him."

The Trout didnt know that a Bear was watching him. The Bear said to himself "If that fly comes down four ...

Seven inches

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.” So I wrote back: “Give me t...

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

We got 5 inches of snow today.

Or as my husband would say...8 inches.

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What’s 12 inches long, rock hard, full of semen and makes all the girls scream?

The crusty sock under my bed!

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I wish I had the sexual power of snow.

People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.

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My dick may not be twelve inches...

But it sure smells like a foot.

Heard that from an old tugboat captain today and I had to share.

What’s seven inches long and hasn’t been sucked in years?

Amy Winehouse’s crackpipe

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My penis is 12 inches....

.... delivered in 3 quick installments.

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

What do you call a 3.14 inch long snake?

A π-thon

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A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife

He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it aga...

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When I was a young child I was blessed with an 8 inch penis.

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Mallory.

What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun if it vibrates?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..



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A toothbrush. Come on.

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12-inch pianist.

He says to his bartender "Wow! That's amazing! Where did he come from?!"

The bartender hands the man a lamp and tells him that if he rubs it, the genie within will grant him a wish.

The man rubs the lamp and out pours a plume of smoke forming into a genie, right in front of him.
...

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There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

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One day A fish was looking at a fly but the fly was six inches two high for the fish to jump up and get it

and fish said to himself.
“If that fly drops six inches and I can jump up and grab it I could get my self a pretty good meal.” But unlucky for the fish to know there was a bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the bear said to himself.
“If the fly drops six inches and the...

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

Why do boats that are an inch across always fail?

Because they're cap-sized

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

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What's 6 inches long, pink and makes my girlfriend moan all day?

Her fucking tongue

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Read below to see how I unlocked the secret to getting a 12 inch penis!

I just folded it in half.

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I like to brag about my penis being two inches. From the ground.

I’m told it’s not as impressive if I’m laying on my stomach.

What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stalk?

A fungi to go out with

Why did they make the hand on the Statue 11 inches long.

Well if they made it 12 inches it would have
been a foot.

I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be King."

She replied: " Two inches less and you'd be a queen."

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar. He pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.

The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays pia...

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A man with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor

He says "Doc, 20 inches is way too much! I'm having trouble with my daily life, and no woman even dares to come near me! This thing has ruined my life! Is it possible to reduce it to something more manageable?"

"Surgery can't help," the doctor explains. "But while I can't recommend this offic...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.

This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.

The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens ...

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Girls That love dicks over 7 inches

Will really love me cuz im a 6ft3in dick.

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

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What does a man with a 12 inch penis eat for breakfast?

This morning I had a boiled egg.

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One day, Putin called up Trump asking for a favor...

"We have a problem. All of Russia's condom manufacturers have gone bankrupt, and soon we will have a shortage," said Putin.

"That sounds pretty bad. How can we help?" Trump asked.

"We need you to send us American condoms."

"Of course, we can cut you a deal."

"Another thin...

Girls are ridiculous man. Give em an inch and they take

All your child support.

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The pretzel hold

So the wrestling coach comes up to jimmy. "Listen Jimmy, I've seen this kid wrestle 3-4 times. Hes got this pretzel hold man and if he gets you in it your done. Over. So IDK how to avoid it or what but whatever you do watch for that pretzel hold."

Match starts. Not 2 seconds in Jimmies in a ...

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A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by...

He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?"
Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees.

The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen....

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives a woman crazy?

Money

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

They say life is just a game of inches

I've already one

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

My wife's the worst. You give her an inch...

And she wants six more.

What would happen if you had a 12 inch nose?

It would be a foot. Except, nothing would change, really. They both smell and run.

A woman goes to a pharmacy and asks if they have 12 inch size condoms.

"How many do you want", pharmacist replies.

"None, just take my phone number and give it to anyone who comes to buy it".

It’s proved, that it is easy to please a woman with just 3.5 inches.

I am talking about credit card length.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist sitting on the bar stand, the man asks

Man: “why is there a 12 inch pianist?”

Bartender: “they’re is a genie in the alley that grants 1 wish to anyone”

So the man runs outside to alley and sees this big old looking genie

M...

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’

looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.
Jim nodded...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

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Wrong place

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good “house of ill repute.” He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St., the office of a chiropodist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised bu...

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Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.

The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened.

He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole.

Last thing I remember is I lifted the tai...

A friend of mine can float one inch off the ground when he drinks Jack Daniels.

He’s a bourbon legend.

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A perfect suit

A man is trying on his completed bespoke suit. He told the tailor that he wanted this sleeve to be shortened because it's 5 inches longer. The tailor then explained

\- "No need, you just have to bend your arm a bit and it will bring your sleeve up"
\- "Ok fine" The man said "but look at ...

My next girlfriend has to be a skier

They actually get excited for 4-6 inches.

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was ...

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What is the relation between my height and penis sise?

I wish both were 3 inches longer...

What’s 7 and a half inches long, white, and tastes funny?

An expired Zero bar.

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If you had the option of being 3 inches taller or a 3 inch longer dick, what would you choose?

I’d go with the height for sure so I’ll be close to 6’ and I really don’t need a 3.5 inch penis

What's black, 12 inches long, 2 inches across, and makes people cry?

A cop's flashlight

Why are fire trucks red???

Because they have 8 wheels....
They hold 4 passengers...
8+4=12...
There are 12 inches in a foot...
A foot is also known as a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was also the name of a ship...
That ship sailed the seas...
In the seas there are fish...
...

3 inches

Weather girl: "and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that ...

Gene was at work one day and curiously asked his recently new co-worker, Claire, if she had any wishes for her weeding that weekend.

The only thing Claire had hoped for was for it to snow on her big day and that she would be devastated if it didn't happen.

2 weeks later, Claire arrived back at work happy as could be; talking with her co-workers about how perfect everything turned out.

Gene overheard her conversati...

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Big Jake

It's a quiet day in the salloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, "Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin' to town!".

The bartender, who's new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, "What' ...

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Aman walks into a bar...

...with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, se...

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My girlfriend left me because she has a foot fetish.

My dick is only 11 inches.

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