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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis

That priest is in prison now

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A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large...

so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help.

The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.”

So the man decided to go to the mo...

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When I first wanked it my semen only flew 6 inches. Now it goes at least a foot every time..

Look how far I’ve cum

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A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

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What hangs 8 inches below the waistline and in front of an asshole?

Trump's necktie

I Accidentally Put a Two-Inch Post in the Wrong Place

Good thing it was only a small misstake

Why can't our nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot.

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A passenger taps a taxi drivers on his shoulder. The driver shits himself with shock, swerves nearly hitting a bus and stops inches from a shop window.

"Fuck me, you’re jumpy aren't you, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.

"Sorry," says the cabby, "It's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for 20 years."

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My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

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My penis is 2 inches long...



but it smells like 2 feet.

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[NSFW] Told a woman I had a 16 inch penis, she asked if was joking.

Told her it's a real knee slapper.

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Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Your bosses tie

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women insane?

A hundred dollar bill.

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What’s hard, 12 inches long and has cum in it?

Cucumber. You fucking perverts.

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A genie offered to increase my penis length by 1 inch for every 10 IQ I traded...

Hehdixka a. Sueuwkk aksjns sjebbe Magjxianq an

4 inches is small, 6 inches will just about get the job done, 8 inches is where the sweet spot is, and 11 inches is just too big to handle.

Let me know if you have any more questions about what size telescope you should buy.

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A man with a 20 inch penis.

(Not mine I but thought it was funny) There was a man that was always sad because of the size of his penis. Nobody wanted to him so he did something about it. He went to the worlds most famous doctor and said “Do you have anything that can help me with my problem?” The doctor says no and tells him t...

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the...

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(NSFW) Kevin had a 16 inch Dick.

Is dick was so big, he couldn't get any gals.

He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.

Doctor: "I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and he'l...

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9 Inch Pianist

A man walks into a bar with a bag. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.

The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to show the bartender an old genie bottle. He rubs it, and out pops an old, ...

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I have $100,000,000 in the bank and an 11 inch penis.

In binary.

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My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile

Don't forget to keep everything in your dairy/pantry a few inches apart...

... We are supposed to be shelf isolating!

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I found a way to make my penis 10 inches long

Fold it in half

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At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an 8 inch penis.

And 3 years later, that priest went to prison.

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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag

The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

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Saw an ad about dildos. It said ‘9 inches and realistic’.

I was like ‘well, which is it?’

In the future, TVs will be 15 feet wide, only 2 inches tall,

and movies will still have those damn black bars on the top and bottom.

I'm 6 foot, 3 inches.

but those two measurements are separate.

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I finally figured out a method that works to make my penis 8 inches long.

I folded it in half.

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A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

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There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

I gave my girlfriend 9 inches last night.

It's a good thing she accepts installment payments.

I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month.

Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

‌‌The b‌‌eautiful s‌‌ecretary o‌‌f a‌‌ b‌‌ank p‌‌resident w‌‌as a‌‌sked t‌‌o s‌‌quire a‌‌round t‌‌he k‌‌ing o‌‌f a‌‌ w‌‌ealthy A‌‌frican k‌‌ingdom, o‌‌ne o‌‌f t‌‌he b‌‌ank's m‌‌ost i‌‌mportant c‌‌lients.

After a‌‌ d‌‌ay s‌‌hopping and‌‌ s‌‌ightseeing, t‌‌he k‌‌ing w‌‌as u‌‌tterly b‌‌esotted w‌‌ith t‌‌he l‌‌ady, a‌‌nd a‌‌sked f‌‌or h‌‌er h‌‌and i‌‌n m‌‌arriage. T‌‌he p‌‌roposal t‌‌ook t‌‌he s‌‌ecretary b‌‌y s‌‌urprise a‌‌nd s‌‌he w‌‌as t‌‌hinking o‌‌f h‌‌ow t‌‌o t‌‌urn h‌‌im d‌‌own p‌‌olitely w‌‌itho...

What’s four inches long and not getting sucked on Valentine’s Day?

Whitney Houston’s crack pipe.

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Did you hear the one about the runner with a 12 inch penis?

It's a real knee-slapper.

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure...

...it's called a "credit card"

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For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

While browsing the charity shop window I spotted sign that read "4k 60 inch widescreen for $1 because volume is stuck on full" I thought

I can't turn that down!

I was talking to a coworker about a project I was working on at home. I didn’t have enough space so I told her I wish I could turn 4 inches into 8

She said she wishes her husband could too

The human hand has a limit of how long - from wrist to fingertips - it can grow to of 11 inches...

... because if it’s longer than this, it’s a foot.

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Best features

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that s...

I used to love every inch of my wife, but it's been difficult of late.

I still love her, I'm just measuring in feet now.

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could dea...

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made a...

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

What is six inches long, fits in your mouth, and is more fun when it vibrates?

A toothbrush, you perverts.

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My dick may not be twelve inches...

But it sure smells like a foot.

Heard that from an old tugboat captain today and I had to share.

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The fly that came down four inches NSFW Long

Once apon a time there was a fly buzzing above a river. He did not know that a Trout was watching him and the fish said "If that fly comes down four inches I'm gonna jump up and eat him."

The Trout didnt know that a Bear was watching him. The Bear said to himself "If that fly comes down four ...

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mic...

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An Irishman in an elevator.

A little Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The Irishman faints and falls t...

What’s seven inches long and hasn’t been sucked in years?

Amy Winehouse’s crackpipe

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

What do you call a 3.14 inch long snake?

A π-thon

Seven inches

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.” So I wrote back: “Give me t...

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What’s 12 inches long, rock hard, full of semen and makes all the girls scream?

The crusty sock under my bed!

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What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?

Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit

We got 5 inches of snow today.

Or as my husband would say...8 inches.

A man walks into a bar

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants...

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My penis is 12 inches....

.... delivered in 3 quick installments.

What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun if it vibrates?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..



.

.

.

.

.

.

A toothbrush. Come on.

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A man with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor

He says "Doc, 20 inches is way too much! I'm having trouble with my daily life, and no woman even dares to come near me! This thing has ruined my life! Is it possible to reduce it to something more manageable?"

"Surgery can't help," the doctor explains. "But while I can't recommend this offic...

A man walks into a bar and sees a 12-inch pianist.

He says to his bartender "Wow! That's amazing! Where did he come from?!"

The bartender hands the man a lamp and tells him that if he rubs it, the genie within will grant him a wish.

The man rubs the lamp and out pours a plume of smoke forming into a genie, right in front of him.
...

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When I was a young child I was blessed with an 8 inch penis.

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Mallory.

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

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A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

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One day A fish was looking at a fly but the fly was six inches two high for the fish to jump up and get it

and fish said to himself.
“If that fly drops six inches and I can jump up and grab it I could get my self a pretty good meal.” But unlucky for the fish to know there was a bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the bear said to himself.
“If the fly drops six inches and the...

Why do boats that are an inch across always fail?

Because they're cap-sized

A guy marvels at himself in the mirror

Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING"

His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"

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What's 6 inches long, pink and makes my girlfriend moan all day?

Her fucking tongue

What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stalk?

A fungi to go out with

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Read below to see how I unlocked the secret to getting a 12 inch penis!

I just folded it in half.

Why did they make the hand on the Statue 11 inches long.

Well if they made it 12 inches it would have
been a foot.

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A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

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I wish I had the sexual power of snow.

People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.

Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

Because they're constantly being lied to about what six inches looks like.

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I like to brag about my penis being two inches. From the ground.

I’m told it’s not as impressive if I’m laying on my stomach.

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4 horny nurses were tending to a dying patient...

But no matter what they did, and all they tried, he ended up dying.

"That's so sad!" said the first nurse.

"Poor man!" said the second.

"I cannot believe this!" said the third.

"WHY!?!?" said the fourth.

After the short while, the four horny nurses got even hornier...

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

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A man walks into a bar...

Sets down a little piano and matching bench carefully, and a tiny person wearing a tuxedo hops out of his coat pocket, takes a seat and plays the mini piano... the bartender is puzzled.

Another man walks into the bar with an ostrich under one arm and a cat in the other, sets the ostrich on th...

I like my friends like I like my socks.....

Hard as a rock and 8 inches inside of me.

Two men were out fishing

when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long cigarette lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the...

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

Why can't women park cars?

Because they've been lied to about what 9 inches is their whole life.

A muslim, a christian, and a buddhist compete to see who has the most powerful God by jumping off a 100 story building. Whoever survives the fall, wins.

The christian comes first. He jumps off the building and says: "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." until he falls to the ground and dies.


Next up, the buddhist. He jumps off the building and says: "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Budda..." until he reaches an inch off the ground and floats away saf...

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What does a man with a 12 inch penis eat for breakfast?

This morning I had a boiled egg.

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