UPJOKE
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My penis might not be 12 inches

But it sure smells like a foot

There once was a king who was 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king but a great ruler.

I bang my wife with a solid 9 inches everyday

3 inches in the morning

3 inches in the afternoon

3 inches in the evening



It adds up :)

What’s 3 inches long and hasn’t been sucked in 10 years?

Whitney Houstons crack pipe

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because it'd be a foot.

What is 6 inches long and every man wishes he had more of it?

Dollar bills

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman.

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard.

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Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted 12 inches of dick tonight

'Cause we could have sex 4 times.

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

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[NSFW] I just learned that to proportionally be hung like a horse, a 200 lbs man would need roughly a 4-inch dick.

So that means I only need to lose about 30 lbs and grow another inch, inch-and-a-half...

How tall are you cowboy? I’m six feet and seven inches, ma’am.

Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about your seven inches.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

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I have a 12 inch penis

..... And my girlfriend doesn't know which way to hold the ruler.

Lost by few Inches

I was at the track and asked a guy for a tip. He asked me how long my pecker was, I told him 8 inches, he said to bet on the 8 number horse.

The 3 number horse won the race… damn, I knew I shouldn’t have lied.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common?

They're both imperial rulers

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

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My girlfriend said there's nothing wrong with having a 3 inch penis

I just wish she didn't have one.

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

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A Frenchman, an American and an Australian are in a pub...

And the Frenchman says, "When I make love to my wife she’s in such ecstasy her body rises centimetres off the bed."

The American, not to be outdone, replies, "When I have sex with my wife she’s having so much fun she rises inches off the bed."

They both then look at the Australian and ...

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I was blessed with a 9 inch cock.

The priest is in jail now.

What does a guy with a 12 incher eat for breakfast?

I didn't think you'd know. This morning I had oatmeal.

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Prostitute Joke.

Man : How much for a blowjob?

Prostitute : Ummm $20

Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess
I am your favourite.

Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.

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Can we start using "stars" as a unit of measurement, instead of inches?

It sounds way better to tell the ladies I have a 5 star penis

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What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can Fuck all night long"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It...

A man walks into a bar, takes a small piano out of his bag and then a tiny man. the tiny man starts playing the piano.

The bartender asks the gentleman "what's up"?
The gentleman explains how he found a magic lamp with a genie inside and he grants wishes. The gentleman says if you give me a couple free drinks I will gladly let you make a wish.
The bartender thinks, ok what's the worst that can happen.
The b...

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

What do you do when a playground bully stands one inch away and say "I'm not touching you...I'm not touching you.."?

Hope that he pulls the army back to the Kremlin soon.

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A girl I was talking to online enquired about my penis size...

She said that she only asked because she has dated nothing but "pencil-dick" guys before, but they were awkward to work with and never brought her the satisfaction she desired in from a partner.

I assured her "You don't have to worry about that with me, my penis is waaaaaaaay shorter then 7.5...

I got Grindr and Dominoes mixed up when I went to order

Regardless there is an 8 inch meat feast on the way and I’m scared.

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

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What did the guy with the 2-inch penis say to the guy with the 13-inch penis?

I don’t know yet, I have to check the comments.

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy?

A $100 dollar bill.

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3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas

Then why is my girlfriend complaining

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What's 5 inch long and starts with a P?

....a shit

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight cal...

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

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Some jerk on my wedding asked "how's my ex's used pussy?"

I replied "it felt brand spankin' new after the first two inches."

There's this frog and he

... goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and ...

I told her I had 13 inches

She said “I find that hard to swallow”

Second Hand Goods

A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: "So, how do you like using second-hand goods?"

"Doesn't bother me," the new husband replies. "Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand ...

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I really wish I had a 7 inch penis......

Instead of this monster!

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To all the hot women out there: I may be 50 years old,but I have the body of a 25 year old model with a 12 inch dick

In my freezer.

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At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

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Compatibility

A woman was sitting alone at a bar and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sadly. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.

The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his f...

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A Black Man, a Mexican, and a White Man Got Lost Canoeing.

They reached an island ruled by terrorists. The terrorists wanted to kill the entire crew. However, after seeing the white man, the terrorists had a proposal. If the combined length of the mens' penises measured 1 foot, then the men would be set free. The Black man's dick measured 6 inches. The Whit...

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

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Guy walks into a bar

Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, real...

Girl, I am no weatherman

But tonight you can expect up to three inches

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

Genie will grant you one ...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a milli...

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Premature Ejaculation,,,

A man was having a problem with premature ejaculation, so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
...

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For Sale. 42 inch TV. Volume button doesn't work $20.

A deal you can't turn down

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

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TIL That a Blue Whales Anus Can Stretch to 40 Inches...

This makes it the second biggest asshole on earth, right behind Mitch McConnell.

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

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Every guy tells you they have an 8 inch Dick. It makes sense when you realize the formula they use to calculate it.

8==D

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How is sex like snow?

Everyone talks about it, but it doesn’t always happen. Then when it does happen, you’re never sure how long it will last, or how many inches you’re going to get.

What did Snow White complain after staying for a month with the dwarves?

"I'd rather have a 7 inch one time than one inch 7 times"

A man decided to take up golf

so he signed up for lessons with the local pro. The pro showed him the proper stance and grip and swing and then said, “Now just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.” The novice teed up and smacked a beauty, straight down the fairway, onto the green, stopping inches from the hole. “Now w...

Missing

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, we...

if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out?

interviewer: we meant questions about the job

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

A 12 inch.....

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.

“I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.

“WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”...

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A taxi passenger taps his driver on the shoulder...

The driver absolutely shits himself in panic, swerves, misses two people, mounts the pavement and parks inches from a shop window.

"Fuck me!" says the passenger, "you're jumpy, aren't you? I only tapped you on the shoulder!"


"Sorry about that" replies the driver. "It's my first ...

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A homeless man goes into a pharmacy and asks the young attractive woman behind the counter

"Do you have any male pharmacist here ?"

Woman " Well, me and my twin sister own this place and take turns. Tell me what you want?"

Man " well it's kinda embarrassing."

Woman "Dont worry I'm a professional and deal with many cases everyday".

Man "Well, My cock is always e...

Magic Frog

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,

Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't
See a...

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Happily ever after

Bob was tired of being single but he was extremely insecure about his dick. He decided to join a church and woo a really shy woman to make his wife.

He found a decent woman who showed up to church every Sunday. She was quiet and always kept to herself. After a year of dating her she a...

I used to work in an art supply store.

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

What's 12 inches long, stiff and makes women scream in the morning?

Crib death.

A woman with a 69 inch waist goes to the doctor (Calculator Joke)

A woman went to the doctor.

He measured a waist of 69 inches (type into calculator).

He said that that was too, too, too, much (type 222).

And gave her 51 pills (type 51).

But she took 8 times that my (type x8)

Do you know what happened? She became...(Hit = and fli...

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

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A young man was delivering liquor to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The man smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor guy broke into a swe...

Girls call me Mr. Microsoft

because I have a 3.5 inch floppy

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What do you call a guy with a one inch willy?

Just-in

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Out of curiosity, I measured my cock and got 8 inches.

I felt fine until I realized I had the ruler turned backwards.

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The average horse weighs 1000lbs

The average horse weighs about 1000lbs
The average horse's cock is 20 inches
Thats a ratio of 50lbs per inch
Therefore, if a 200lb man has a 4 inch cock
He's technically hung like a horse

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I have an 11 inch penis.

I'm 1100100% serious.

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There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

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A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

Why can't a nose be 12 inches

Coz then it would be a foot


Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny

What do you call a ball that is twelve inches long that you kick?

A football.

Cor fed devil

Man sees a corn field and decides to try and walk to the middle of it. The man reaches the middle and sees the devil himself. The man asks “what are you doing here?” “well I have a challenge for you and if you get it wrong your soul is forfeit,” the devil said. The man of course agrees and the devil...

Give a man an inch,

and right away he thinks he's a ruler.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

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A millionaire wants to marry a virgin.

He wants to marry a virgin and starts looking. He meets a beautiful woman, takes her on a date and at the end of it whips out his penis and asks "Ever seen one of these before?" She's shocked and says "No, never!" He is over the moon and immediately asks her to marry him. She agrees. 3 months later ...

Do you know why women can't read a tape measure?

Because they've been told 6" inches is 8" all their lives.

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

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Jim decided to propose to his girlfriend, sandy.

Prior to the acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infa...

Fed up

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party? " "About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly. "NO! " exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches? " "Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night...

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

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