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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis

That priest is in prison now

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Cause then it would be a foot silly

I told her, "It might not be 12 inches.."

But it sure smells like a foot.

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There is a fly flying about 12 inches over a lake with a fish swimming below thinking "If the fly drops 6 inches I can jump and catch it."

Meanwhile, a bear on the edge of the same lakes sees the fly and thinks "If he drops 6 inches, the fish will jump after it and I can catch it."

Across the same lake is a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear and the fly thinking "If the fly drops and the fish jumps I can shoot the bear a...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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Two tiny, 3-inch tall men are walking through the woods

One says to the other "hey, look, a frog! Let's go prank it"

The other guy says "First pranking wizards, now frogs? No! I'm sick of your shit, Phil!"

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My girlfriend said having a four inch penis is OK..

Still, I wish she didn’t have one

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There was a fly buzzing about one foot above the river. A trout saw the fly and thought, ‘If that fly comes down six inches, I can jump out of the water and catch it’.

What the trout didn’t see was a bear hiding behind the bush who also saw the fly and realised what the trout was up to and thought, ‘If I wait until the fly drops six inches, the trout will jump and I’ll catch the trout’.

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the trout watching the f...

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A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large...

so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help.

The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.”

So the man decided to go to the mo...

What did a guy with a 2 inch pecker have for breakfast?

Well, I had 2 eggs, some bacon, hash browns and toast.

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A man had a penis size of 25 inches.

He wanted to reduce the size of his penis so he went to a saint to tell him about his problem. The saint told him that there is a big turtle on a beach, if he tells you "no" then your penis' size would decrease by 5 inches.

So that man found the turtle and asked him, "Will you marry me ?" The...

Hi my name is Dave I’m five feet, 11 inches

...Those are 2 different measurements!

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Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

What's four inches long, two inches wide and always disappoints women?

An empty toilet roll

Girl: How do you know Apple is run by men? Because they call it the iPhone 6+ when it's only 5.5 inches long

Guy: Of course it's run by men, it's a trillion dollar company, not a kitchen

Last night my wife told me to give her all 8 inches....

I told her okay, but she would have to take it in four 2 inch installments

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12 inch prick

So a man walks into a bar and a soon as he's through the door the most beautiful women in the bar flock to him. He walks up to the bar and says "drinks are on me" and pulls out a wad of money. As the bartender pours the drinks a little man, about a foot tall, runs down the bar, knocking over people'...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner. One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the so...

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A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.

He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?"
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice ...

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

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Why isn’t there a 12 inch penis?

Because if there was it’d be a foot!

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I have an 18 inch dick.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

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After years of failure Jerry finally broke the world record for the longest ejaculation. (18 feet and 9 inches)

He did what no man could that came before him

What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth?

A toothbrush

A Man Walks Into A Bar And Notices A 12 Inch Tall Pianist In The Corner

A man walks into a bar and notices a 12 inch tall pianist in the corner, he walks up to the bartender and asks him about it. "Never mind that," The bartender replied, "This morning I found a magic lamp underneath the local bridge. Watch" the bartender then proceeded to rub the lamp and out came a g...

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I was watching porn and I saw this add. It was for pills that claimed to make your penis 12 inches longer and I thought, “that’s ridiculous......”

“Nobody wants a 13 inch penis.”

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When a fly drops three inches...

{Sorry if this is a repost, I haven’t seen it before and I heard this back in eighth grade.}


There was a fly dancing three inches above the water.

A fish saw it and thought, “If that fly drops three inches, I can get the fly and eat it!”

By the shore is a bear. The bear see...

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When I first wanked it my semen only flew 6 inches. Now it goes at least a foot every time..

Look how far I’ve cum

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My boyfriend told me to give him 9 inches and make it hurt

So I fucked him twice and said he was fat

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

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What’s six inches long, has a bald head, and makes women horny?

A $100 Bill.

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A passenger taps a taxi drivers on his shoulder. The driver shits himself with shock, swerves nearly hitting a bus and stops inches from a shop window.

"Fuck me, you’re jumpy aren't you, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.

"Sorry," says the cabby, "It's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for 20 years."

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women insane?

A hundred dollar bill.

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

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What’s hard, 12 inches long and has cum in it?

Cucumber. You fucking perverts.

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

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The Perfect Penis

One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his father what a penis was. His father looked at him and said, "Well, I guess you're big enough to know, I'll just show you." So his dad unzips, and says, "You see that Johnny, that's a penis, and it's a perfect penis at that, got it?" So the ne...

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Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Your bosses tie

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

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A genie offered to increase my penis length by 1 inch for every 10 IQ I traded...

Hehdixka a. Sueuwkk aksjns sjebbe Magjxianq an

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[NSFW] Told a woman I had a 16 inch penis, she asked if was joking.

Told her it's a real knee slapper.

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(NSFW) Kevin had a 16 inch Dick.

Is dick was so big, he couldn't get any gals.

He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.

Doctor: "I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and he'l...

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I found a way to make my penis 10 inches long

Fold it in half

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A man with a 20 inch penis.

(Not mine I but thought it was funny) There was a man that was always sad because of the size of his penis. Nobody wanted to him so he did something about it. He went to the worlds most famous doctor and said “Do you have anything that can help me with my problem?” The doctor says no and tells him t...

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9 Inch Pianist

A man walks into a bar with a bag. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.

The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to show the bartender an old genie bottle. He rubs it, and out pops an old, ...

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day

Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seem...

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I have $100,000,000 in the bank and an 11 inch penis.

In binary.

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At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an 8 inch penis.

And 3 years later, that priest went to prison.

Teacher: So what’s your sentence that contains the word contagious?

Student: our neighbour is painting a wall with 2 inch brush, my dad says it will take this contagious.

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

Don't forget to keep everything in your dairy/pantry a few inches apart...

... We are supposed to be shelf isolating!

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

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I finally figured out a method that works to make my penis 8 inches long.

I folded it in half.

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Saw an ad about dildos. It said ‘9 inches and realistic’.

I was like ‘well, which is it?’

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There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

I'm 6 foot, 3 inches.

but those two measurements are separate.

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

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My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”

To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She says,...

In the future, TVs will be 15 feet wide, only 2 inches tall,

and movies will still have those damn black bars on the top and bottom.

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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag

The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month.

Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan.

He approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your m...

While browsing the charity shop window I spotted sign that read "4k 60 inch widescreen for $1 because volume is stuck on full" I thought

I can't turn that down!

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A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure...

...it's called a "credit card"

I gave my girlfriend 9 inches last night.

It's a good thing she accepts installment payments.

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A little old lady

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo ...

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I've been taking Viagra lately

I've been taking Viagra lately before bed because of my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it but it does keep the sheets a couple of inches off my thighs.

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Did you hear the one about the runner with a 12 inch penis?

It's a real knee-slapper.

What do you call a 3.14 inch long snake?

A π-thon

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find...

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I gotcha 3 wishes...

Into my pub one evening, strolled the craziest sight to behold for a Saturday night. This classy looking rolled/player walked to my counter with a gorgeous lady on his right arm, a younger looking woman on his left arm and a leprechaun on his shoulder.

Roller: Barkeep, bring a martini for ea...

Ticket please

Three engineers and three accountants are in the queue to buy a train ticket.

The three accountants buy a ticket each; three in all. The engineers, however, buy one ticket between them.

“How are you…?” ask the accountants.
“We know what to do,” reply the engineers.

And all si...

Jim had just turned 21, and wanted to buy a horse for himself

Jim strode into a stable, looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said the owner, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to say "heyhey", and the way to get him to go is ...

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My dick may not be twelve inches...

But it sure smells like a foot.

Heard that from an old tugboat captain today and I had to share.

What’s four inches long and not getting sucked on Valentine’s Day?

Whitney Houston’s crack pipe.

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Moral of the Story

There was this fish, just swimming up the river. He looks up, notices a fly. Fish thinks to himself, man, if that fly drops 6 inches, I can have myself a tasty little meal.

On the riverbank, there’s a bear. He notices the fish, and the fly. He thinks to himself, man, if that fly drops 6 inch...

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A man with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor

He says "Doc, 20 inches is way too much! I'm having trouble with my daily life, and no woman even dares to come near me! This thing has ruined my life! Is it possible to reduce it to something more manageable?"

"Surgery can't help," the doctor explains. "But while I can't recommend this offic...

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A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

I was talking to a coworker about a project I was working on at home. I didn’t have enough space so I told her I wish I could turn 4 inches into 8

She said she wishes her husband could too

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The man hooking up with a lady warned her at the bar, "You should know I have a baby-sized Penis"

The lady says that's just fine and size doesn't matter.

They get to his apartment and he pulls down his pants, showing off an absolutely massive penis unlike anything she'd ever seen before.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" she shrieks in terror.

"I told you I had a baby-sized Penis...

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

I have one of these (Long)

Little boy and little girl were playing in the sandbox when little boy gets an evil grin on his face and proudly displays his sand shovel to the little girl.

“I have one of these,” he exclaims, knowing she has no toys.

Little girl leaves the sandbox, running home crying.

She ret...

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A farmer and his best friend go to the city trying to get laid...

They walk into a club and the farmer immediately finds a girl to chat. He takes his hat off and start sweet talking the girl.

Unimpressed, the girl tells him: "I'll only go out with you if you have a 2.000 acreage farm, 10 thousand cows and a 7 inch dick.

Her words make the farmer die ...

I used to love every inch of my wife, but it's been difficult of late.

I still love her, I'm just measuring in feet now.

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

The human hand has a limit of how long - from wrist to fingertips - it can grow to of 11 inches...

... because if it’s longer than this, it’s a foot.

What is six inches long, fits in your mouth, and is more fun when it vibrates?

A toothbrush, you perverts.

Imagine this

You're watching a movie late at night in your house, when suddenly you hear a noise. You walk downstairs to investigate. You hear a sound coming from the outside of your door. You hear:

"Hello, this is the lockpickinglawyer, and today I'll be showing you how to open a Prime-Line Chain Door Gu...

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A man had 3 girlfriends but did not know which one to marry.

As a test, he decided to give each one 5000$ to see how they would spend it.

The first one went and got herself a complete makover and told him, i made myself pretty with the money for you because i love you so much

The second one went and bought him new golf him new golf clubs, clothe...

A teacher said to her class

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red." Little Timmy's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green...

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A man and his friend are hanging out one day...

One of the men pulls out a cigarette, he asks his buddy for a light.




His buddy pulls out a massive lighter from his pants.





"Holy shit, where did you get that huge lighter?" asks the first man.



The second man replies "I got it from my wish gr...

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A married couple had been fighting a lot lately

The wife wanted money and the Husband felt she was being too demanding. One day he goes out and gets 'MONEY' tattooed on his penis. He comes back home and tells the wife "I met a Genie and he made my penis a money making penis. So the next time you need some money just come & suck it." He went t...

What’s seven inches long and hasn’t been sucked in years?

Amy Winehouse’s crackpipe

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappear...

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When I was a young child I was blessed with an 8 inch penis.

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Mallory.

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

I honestly prefer the Metric system

Thirteen centimetres sounds way more impressive than five inches.

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