Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes

is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.

There's this band called one thousand and twenty three megabytes

They haven't had any gigs yet.

A small town in Ireland solicits bids to build a fountain in the town square. Three builders respond.

The town clerk schedules all three interviews for the same day. The builders arrive and are escorted into the clerk's office. There's a builder from Galway, a builder from Mayo, and finally Casey, a master builder from County Cork.

The first to be interviewed is the builder from Galway. "How ...

#28736 This lady goes into a lawyer’s office...

... and asks the lawyer, “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge one thousand dollarydoos to answer three questions.”

“Oh my word – That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?”

“That's right. So what's your third question?”

Why is one thousand million billion trillion so bad?

It's very naughty

One Finn

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and con...

The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers."

The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers."
...

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A Serious Accident

A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident. He looks around and sees the doctor coming up to him. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you will be able to walk again without rehabilitation. The bad news is that due to the severity of the accide...

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

the American and the Finn

An american is talking to his firend. He tells his friend that he found out he has Finnic roots, and that he went on holiday to visit his far relative.

the friend: So, was your holiday fun?

The american: Yes, but i was scammed out of a thousand dollars!

the friend: How come? You...

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

Trump is flying over New York..

Trump is flying over New York.

He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"

His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you...

A pirate captain was out at sea when his first mate ran to him suddenly...

The first mate shouted “Sir! Theres a ship on the horizon armed with 10 cannons and 100 men!”

The captain replied, “bring me my red shirt and prepare for battle!”

The pirates fight and win the battle, making off with all the treasure. A few days later, the first mate again run up yell...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...

There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.

"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progre...

Doctor geezer and doctor young

Once apon a time there were two doctors: doctor geezer, and doctor young.

Doctor geezer was very old - and doctor young, very young.

One day doctor geezer says that he can cure anything in the world for one hundred dollars. And if he can't, he'll give you one thousand.

So docto...

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A man is walking down the street when he sees a girl with giant tits walking on the other side

He approaches her and asks “How much to bite your nipples?”
The girl shocked, goes “Fuck no, I’m not that kind of girl.
“Cmon, a hundred bucks?”
“No, fuck off”
“Fine, two hundred bucks?
“I said leave me alone”
“Okay fine, one thousand dollars? Cmon”
The girl stops and looks aro...

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Another Jewish joke (this one featuring boobs!) (NSFW)

My Jewish father showed me this one.

So a small Jewish man happens to come across a rather stunning woman. Specifically, this woman has the most beautiful, perfect breasts he's ever seen in his life.

So he approaches this woman and says with utmost sincerity:

"Ma'am, I'm sorry t...

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3 soldiers receive their payment

The war is over. It all depended on one mission.

After the 3 remaining survivors received their medals the president says: "I can not thank you enough. For your payment, you will choose any length from one body part to another and I will give you one thousand Dollars for every inches I measu...

A Man's wife was kidnapped by someone

Next day the kidnapper calls the man and asks for $30k to release her but the man doesn't show much interest.

Some days later kidnapper calls again and reduces the amount to $20k but again the man doesn't look like he's interested in the offer.

This continues on till the time the k...

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Hitler calls for a meeting

Hitler calls a meeting of his best soldiers and commanders and tells them "Alright I want to order the assassination of one thousand jews and four hedgehogs." Then one of his generals stands and says "But... Mein furhur why four hedgehogs?" Hitler then smiles and says "See? No one gives a f*ck about...

A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed. But of course it's surely a repost. I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...

After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so...

How heavy is a hipster?

One thousand instagrams

A cargo ship carrying a shipment of mannequins sunk to the ocean floor

It was one thousand legs under the sea.

The Malaysian Space Program

One day, the Malaysians decided to launch their first space program and to send a man in a rocket out into space. Since they recognised that this was a dangerous journey, they decided to ask their final three candidates, an Indian, a Malay and a Chinese man, how much of a bonus would they need to gi...

A lady went to an auction...

And was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" g...

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an illustrious lawyer dies and goes to hell...

... where he is greeted by the devil who says, "i have claimed your soul as one of the forsaken. for all of eternity, you will serve as my aide." this suited the lawyer's taste and so he handled clerical and correctional duties on behalf of the devil. for his first assignment, the devil takes him to...

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A guy walks up to the bar and asks the bartender if he is a betting man

"What might we be betting on?" asks the bartender.
The man replies, "I bet you one thousand dollars that I can put a shot glass on the end of the bar down there, come back over here and piss into it and not miss a drop."
The bartender thinks for a minute and then decides, "I think I'd pay a th...

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A man goes to the doctor...

With a pain in his ass. After not being able to ascertain the problem through conversation. the doctor calmly puts on a pair of rubber gloves and asks the man to bend over.

After some poking and prodding, the doctor is amazed to pull a dollar bill from the man's behind. Shocked, the doctor pr...

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A man walks in a bar.

He sits down at the bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." 

The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars." 
...

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I was working as a teller at a bank when a Japanese woman walked in.

I was working as a teller at a bank when a Japanese woman walked in. She comes to the counter with a small stack of ten-thousand yen notes. "Hi, can I help you?" I said. "Yeah, How much American dorrah I can get for hundred thousand Japanese yen?" she asks. Looking up the information on the ever-cha...

The Dead Businessman!!

Police was investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 9th-story office.

Nancy, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for...

$1000 Dollars Part 2

A woman is in the shower, and hears a ringing of the doorbell. Since her husband is not home she puts on a towel and goes to answer the doorbell. She finds her neighbor standing there. His expression shows he expected her husband, not a woman wearing only a towel, and he hesitates. A moment passes, ...

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