I woke up this morning to find my patio covered in little brown squishy piles surrounded by little frog-like footprints.

I think they must be toad stools.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Boy and his Grandpa were out on the Patio...

The boy asks, “Grandpa, can I try your beer?”
The grandpa replies, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
The boy replies with, “No.”
“Well then, there’s your answer!”

A few weeks later the boy and his grandpa are out on the patio again, grandpa with his beer in hand.
“Hey grandpa,...

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

What do you call a patio covered in waterfowl

a Porch-o-geese

What's the difference between my patio and Robert Mugabes grave?

No-one wants to pay for a holiday to dance on my patio.

Two golfing buddies where out golfing one day

Tim owned a house on a golf course right in on the 7th hole. One day, Bob and Tim where golfing and when they got to the 7th hole, Bob leaned over to Tim and said "You know Tim, if you opened your patio door and your front door, you could get a eagle on this par 5." Tim, thinking it over, decided to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women are like Hurricanes

They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the **PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU FUCKEN BITCH, I HOPE YOU SLIDE UNDER A GAS TRUCK AND TASTE YOUR OWN BLOOD!!**

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

Two older gentlemen are sitting in the patio drinking coffee. one of the gentlemen is accompanied by his dog.

The dog starts licking himself and the dogless gentlemen says: I wish I could do that. The dog owner replies: you might want to pet him first.

what do Mike Tyson and outdoor patios have in common?

They're both roofless.

What language does a patio speak?

Porch-uguese

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed." she says. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."



She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. "...

Two eight year old boys are chatting...

Boy 1: 'I found a used condom on our patio this morning.'
Boy 2: 'What's a patio?'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandmas Tattoo

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all eating on the patio of a restaurant. Across the street, they see two people walk into a building, and a few moments later three people walk out.

The biologist says, "Oh, they must have reproduced."

The physicist remarks, "There m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is out of town on business

and decides to head down to the hotel bar for a quick drink on her first night there. She sees the bar isn't all that crowded and easily finds an open seat.

She grabs a menu and the only other guy sitting at the bar moves over next to her. He reeks of booze. He says to her, "I wanna tell you...

The naming of my children

Yesterday, my eldest daughter asked me,"Father, why is my name Rose?". I explain to her it was because a rose petal landed on her head as she was birthed on our patio. Curious, my middle child asked me,"Father, why is my name Lily?". I explain to her it was because when she was birthed a lily flower...

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patio furniture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven

Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven, St. peter is there to greet them. He tells the three men that heaven is a bit crowded at the moment and he can only let one of them go through right now. To be fair he tells the guys that “whoever has died the most unusual death can go ahead but the o...

[OC] Micheal Jordan's origin story.

Micheal Jordan loved basketball growing up. He was good at it too. Every day at school, he'd be playing basketball and everyone wanted him on thier team.

The only catch was that, he could only play B-Ball at school. There were no courts near his house. So... Micheal's father, whom I will hen...

I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife.

I’ll put a patio on them later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob and Francis lived in a retirement home together...

They had quite a bond and would frequently hang out and spend time with each other. One of their favorite things to do would be to go out on the patio at night, gaze at the stares and reminisce on the good times.

One night when they were on the patio Bob asked Francis if she would hold his p...

How could I ever live without you?

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says.

"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" ... She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

What do you call an Irish guy with no arms and no legs hanging out on your front porch?

Patio Furniture.

Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!

Husband: kitchen, living room, dining room, patio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's been a long time cummin'.....

Cremated Husband....


Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"You know that dishwasher yo...

Who's Irish and lives in your back yard?

Patio Furniture!

I got this joke from a great collection of cheezy jokes [here!](http://www.publicradio.org/columns/dinnerpartydownload/2011/08/episode-109-the-2nd-annual-icebreaker-show.html)

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