A man sitting out on his back patio

A man sitting out on his back patio sees a deer randomly walk out of the woods. He notices it’s a doe and for some reason she’s walking a little funny. She’s takes a few more steps toward him, stops, looks up directly at the man and whimpers out “that’s the last time I do that for Five Bucks”.

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist.

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting on a Starbucks patio across from an abandoned building when a car pulls up, and two people get out and enter the building.

A few minutes go by, three people exit the building, get into the car and drive off.

"Hmm," says the physi...

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

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A Boy and his Grandpa were out on the Patio...

The boy asks, “Grandpa, can I try your beer?”
The grandpa replies, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
The boy replies with, “No.”
“Well then, there’s your answer!”

A few weeks later the boy and his grandpa are out on the patio again, grandpa with his beer in hand.
“Hey grandpa,...

Nightclub doormen say I'm "not a REAL bouncer" because I guard the fenced entry to an outdoor wine patio...

... but that's just gatekeeping.

I woke up this morning to find my patio covered in little brown squishy piles surrounded by little frog-like footprints.

I think they must be toad stools.

A man with a family and a 5 year old daughter frequently visited his hot neighbour at her house in morning.

But the neighbour had a son who was about 6 years old. One day, as a way to distract and have some private time with his mother, he said

A: Go to the patio and look at my house to see if anyone's there. If you find anyone inform me.

The son went as usual to check the neogbour's hous...

What do you call a patio covered in waterfowl

a Porch-o-geese

what do Mike Tyson and outdoor patios have in common?

They're both roofless.

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Superman was flying over a city NSFW

And he sees Wonderwoman laying naked on a rooftop patio in the sun. He swoops down and before she knows it, he rails her and flies off.
"What was that?" she cries.
The invisible man says "I dunno, but my asshole sure hurts."

Two little girls are playing together when one say's to the other, "I found a contraceptive on the patio yesterday."

A little confused, her friend responded by asking, "What the heck is a patio?"

Two older gentlemen are sitting in the patio drinking coffee. one of the gentlemen is accompanied by his dog.

The dog starts licking himself and the dogless gentlemen says: I wish I could do that. The dog owner replies: you might want to pet him first.

What language does a patio speak?

Porch-uguese

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Women are like Hurricanes

They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH

A woman goes to the doctor.

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him a story.


She is recently retired, and last week, she went on a trip to a secluded beach resort. She started hiking on a trail, got lost, and slipped and hurt her ankle. She was quite worried, because it was in a secluded spot and she couldn't mo...

Two golfing buddies where out golfing one day

Tim owned a house on a golf course right in on the 7th hole. One day, Bob and Tim where golfing and when they got to the 7th hole, Bob leaned over to Tim and said "You know Tim, if you opened your patio door and your front door, you could get a eagle on this par 5." Tim, thinking it over, decided to...

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

What’s Irish and stays outside?

Patio furniture. [Paddy O’Furniture]

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all eating on the patio of a restaurant. Across the street, they see two people walk into a building, and a few moments later three people walk out.

The biologist says, "Oh, they must have reproduced."

The physicist remarks, "There m...

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A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed." she says. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."



She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. "...

Two eight year old boys are chatting...

Boy 1: 'I found a used condom on our patio this morning.'
Boy 2: 'What's a patio?'

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Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven

Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven, St. peter is there to greet them. He tells the three men that heaven is a bit crowded at the moment and he can only let one of them go through right now. To be fair he tells the guys that “whoever has died the most unusual death can go ahead but the o...

I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife.

I’ll put a patio on them later.

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Grandma's Tattoo(x-post credit to /u/pantyraid7036)

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

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A woman is out of town on business

and decides to head down to the hotel bar for a quick drink on her first night there. She sees the bar isn't all that crowded and easily finds an open seat.

She grabs a menu and the only other guy sitting at the bar moves over next to her. He reeks of booze. He says to her, "I wanna tell you...

Basting Those Baby-Back Ribs!

So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.

"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."

"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday." So I call him on his cell.

"What gives, bro,?" I ask.

"Homicid...

[OC] Micheal Jordan's origin story.

Micheal Jordan loved basketball growing up. He was good at it too. Every day at school, he'd be playing basketball and everyone wanted him on thier team.

The only catch was that, he could only play B-Ball at school. There were no courts near his house. So... Micheal's father, whom I will hen...

How could I ever live without you?

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says.

"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" ... She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

What do you call an Irish guy with no arms and no legs hanging out on your front porch?

Patio Furniture.

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Bob and Francis lived in a retirement home together...

They had quite a bond and would frequently hang out and spend time with each other. One of their favorite things to do would be to go out on the patio at night, gaze at the stares and reminisce on the good times.

One night when they were on the patio Bob asked Francis if she would hold his p...

Who's Irish and lives in your back yard?

Patio Furniture!

I got this joke from a great collection of cheezy jokes [here!](http://www.publicradio.org/columns/dinnerpartydownload/2011/08/episode-109-the-2nd-annual-icebreaker-show.html)

Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!

Husband: kitchen, living room, dining room, patio...

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