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Rod Jokes

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

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I have three holes, each of which are often filled with three solid rods at the same time. What am I?

An electric socket you sick fucks!

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on...

Have you heard the joke about the steel rod?

No? Let metal you.

Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor”

She said no and had a complete meltdown.

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What is it called when you poop a thin wooden rod?

A dowel movement.

I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead.

It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.

What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?

You'll never catch me copper!

The Divorce Settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background musi...

My father once told me that the Bible said "spare the rod, spoil the child" as a justification for hitting me

The Bible also had a problem with Wrath, but I valued my life too much to point that out.

What sound does a red metal rod make when it hits a white metal rod?

*PINK!*

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been think...

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them

His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"

The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining"

Man walks into a rod

He doesn't understand comedy

Did you hear the one about the guy who took his fishing rod to Burger King?

He caught a Whopper.

(I'm hoping that this translates well to cultures outside of the UK - apologies if it doesn't)

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain.

So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion. Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him:

“You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back .... erm ... a pair of crocodile shoes!"

Roderick salutes ...

"His rod and His staff comfort me."

\-- Jerry Falwell Jr. explains his attraction to his pool boy.

Give a man a fish, and he'll stink up the whole house. Give him a fishing rod, and well you see where this is going.

He'll poke your eye out.

I was told that you catch more fish if you put maggots in your mouth for 5m before attaching them to your rod. Is this true?

I await your replies with baited breath.

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My uncle always used to say, “Spare the rod, spoil the child!”

And then he’d fuck me in the ass.

What do you get if you mix plutonium with a fishing rod?

Nuclear fission

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do.   For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, whe...

Fishing……

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when ...

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing, to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Suddenly, she heard a voice saying, "There are no fish in here."

So, she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again, telling her, there are no fish in there. <...

My two friends Rod and Kurt started a business the other day...

You should look it up, it's called Kurt and Rod's Curtain Rods.

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's ...

What do you get when you cross a fishing rod with mud?

a dirty hooker

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So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

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(adult) What's the max Top Speed a girl can have sex?

68mph.
Because any faster she'll flip over and blow a rod.

*Wonder how many "hi my name is rod" replies..

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the h...

What did the curtain rod say to the blinds?

Nice shades.


(sorry)

Why do priests love to go fishing with kids?

So they have someone to hold their rod.

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...

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How fast does a woman go while having sex?

68 . . . Once she hits 69 she blows a rod

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging out next to a window?

curtain rod

I caught a bus yesterday!

I need to to buy a new fishing rod…

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Guy gets hired as a salesman at a huge big box store...

....the type of store that sells everything.

At the end of the first month he is top salesperson, and the boss calls him in for a chat.

"You're amazing" says his grateful boss, "your first month on the job and you're top salesperson already! Not sure how you do it, for example just the...

A nuclear power plant worker…

A nuclear power plant worker sees his coworker with a fishing rod and line in the reactor.

“How’s the fission, John?”

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The parrot is dead

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that ...

What kind of car do frogs drive?

Hop rods!

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing. "Fishing", the old man said simply. "Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

He felt he ...

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.

Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- I...

Two old men are sitting on either end of a park bench...

On one side, the old man is quietly reading his newspaper.

On the other end of the bench, that old man is pantomiming fishing. He takes our an imaginary worm, baits an imaginary hook, casts out with his imaginary rod, and slowly reels in the imaginary line. He then unhooks an imaginary fi...

Two idiots go on a fishing trip

They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this u...

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A father took his son fishing.

As he was preparing the fishing rods, his son tells him:
- Dad, i want to take a shit.
- Son, we’re in the great outdoors, you can take a shit anywhere!
The son left and came back a while later.
- Where did you shit?
- In the car, there are no mosquitos there.

why is 68 the speed limit for women in bed?

At 69 they blow a rod.

Who are the most popular married couple with their own TV fishing program?

Rod and Annette.

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A beautiful woman walking into a sporting goods store...

She spends a few minutes shopping around until she finds a fishing rod that she would like to buy for herself. She picks it up and brings it to the front counter. When she arrives the only cashier is a blind man.

"Good choice" The blind man says "That rod is only $20 this week"

"How do...

Why can't women drive at 70 mph?

At 69, they flip over and blow a rod.

Which Autobot is the most likely to have Chlamydia?

Hot Rod

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know...

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A man gets a job at one of those sells everything superstores

The manager tells him remember you’re on commission more people you sell to the more money you make. So the end of the day the man comes up to the manager he asks him. How did you do? The man tells him I only made one sale. He said you’ve been here for eight hours. It’s very busy. How did you only m...

What do you call a man and a woman who own a fishing store?

Rod and Annette

My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example:

"Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod"

"Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree"

"Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

Icefishing

An ice fisher makes a hole in the ice, puts his fishing rod in and suddenly he hears a voice "There are no fish here".

So he moves a bit further away, makes another hold, puts his lure in and hears again "There are no fish here".

He looks up and asks "God? Is that you"

The voice...

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Once upon a time, there was a computer

Once upon a time, there was a village idiot. He excelled at doing precisely what he was told to do. However, being an idiot, he never questioned his orders.

His parents convinced the village blacksmith to apprentice the idiot.

The blacksmith explains to the idiot, "Grab a rod with th...

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Chuck Norris calls a local hardware store..

Chuck: Do you have a rod?
Store guy: Yes.
Chuck: Then shove it up your ass.
*hangs up

The store guy again gets a call from Chuck but the store guy thinks he has got it this time.

Chuck: Do you have a rod?
Store guy: No.
Chuck: Did you shove it up your ass?
*hangs up...

Group Therapy

A mental health specialist had a group meeting with housewives who wanted to learn about themselves.

They were sitting in a circle and the specialist said, “ Let’s talk about your latent desires. I will start with Martha. Martha, you brought your child with you. What is her name?” ...

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I was TAing an electrostatics lab.

The experiment was to see what happens when you rub wool on a bunch of rods of different materials and then bring the rods near scraps of paper. One student’s lab report had this observation on what happens when you try to electrostatically charge up a metal rod and bring it near paper: “paper remai...

Cheating!!!!

Rod's Wife and Rod Started dieting a week ago.

She proposed that they should have a cheat day today...

She brought home a burger & Rod brought home his Secretary..

From his hospital bed, Rod is wondering when men will ever begin to understand women.😀😜😀😜

I hired a musician to look after my fishing equipment during my flight.

Rod Steward.

Damn girl, are you a parking lot?

'Cause I just wanna stick my Hot Rod into you

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Newby Salesperson (Long joke)

NOTE: My husband thinks this joke is sexist, but I think it's hilarious.

A young man desperately needed a good paying job, so he applied as a salesperson for a large, everything-under-one-roof store.

The manager, seeing how young the man was, was doubtful he could sell anything, but th...

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.

In a pile of leaves?

Russell.

In a hole?

Doug.

On a wall?

Art.

At your front door?

Matt.

Two armless legless men in front of your window?

Kurt and Rod.

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Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news.

"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"You balls are 3 inches from the pin."

She was only the fisherman's daughter

But when she saw my rod, she reeled.

What would Kanye’s first act as POTUS be?

He’d change “fish sticks” to “fish rods”

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