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What’s the difference between a greyhound depot in Newark, NJ and a Lobster with big titties?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean

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Over the last few months I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping at Home Depot.

Simply going out to get supplies


has turned out to be very traumatic for me. Don't be


naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your


friends. Here's how the scam works:


Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over

...

I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater...

It was too big a whisk

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

I went to Home Depot and a guy walked up and asked,

"Can I help you with anything?" I said, "I'm looking to buy a table saw." He said "Do you have a particular model in mind?" and I said, "Well yeah, Kathy Ireland, but for now let's talk about a table saw."

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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot

When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”


The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit an...

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A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.

The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

I recently got thrown out of Home Depot for asking...

an attendant whether he had a big sized caulk.

I want to play a real life game of Among Us at Home Depot

But I'm busy doing tasks in electrical.

Customer at home depot: is this spray good for wasps?

Me: No it kills them.

And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.

What does Home Depot take when it can't sleep?

Bin of Drills

What do Donald Trump, Lowes, and Home Depot have in common?

>!All three are severely short-handed.!<

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What does a porn shop and Home Depot have in common?

They both give you wood

Me: I want to take a bath.

Home Depot Employee: You need to pay for it first.

Oh sure, when Thor throws a hammer, he's a hero!

But when I do it, I'm "out of control" and "banned from home depot!"

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.

We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goe...

Two men stay out late drinking, miss the last bus and have to walk home

They pass the bus depot, so one says he'll break in and steal a bus to get them home.
Ages later, he comes to the door and goes, 'it's no use, I can't find a number 9.'
'You idiot!' says his friend, 'Just steal a 14, we'll get off at the corner and walk the rest of the way.'

What's the difference between r/jokes and a recycling depot?

Occasionally new material passes through the recycling depot.

Home depot is the best brothel

The vacuum sucks, the fan blows, the hammer bangs and they have plenty of pots to plant your seed.

A man is in line at Office Depot

A man is in line at Office Depot, he’s in the middle of the line.

Two people behind him say to him: “were late to our abortion protest.” The man said back saying: “Yeah, were all gonna be late to something.”

The two say again to the man: “Were late to our abortion protest.” The man the...

A man was waiting in line to get into Home Depot during the quarantine...

The line stretched pretty far back and he could not see the end from the front of the line. He heard someone behind him yell out "Hey, Dave!" He turned around but only saw a sea of masks and no one looked familiar to him. His turn to enter came and he went inside the store. While pushing his car...

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A guy enters a Home Depot...

A guy enters a Home depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home.

The next week the same guy comes back t...

After I lost a close friend, I decided to get into some gardening

Went down to Home Depot, got all the necessary tools, and got to work immediately.
And now that a few months have gone by, I can say with full confidence that no one is going to find that body.

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog...

I bought a fan from Home Depot and it came fully assembled.

I love it when a fan comes together.

How do you know you got everything on a trip to home depot?

Easy, you're on your third trip to Home Depot.

A visit to Home Depot

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Mana...

What did John Lennon say when he first arrived at the Door section of Home Depot.

Imagine all the peep holes.

What's a Home Depot employee's favourite game

The customer is lava

A man sends his wife to Home Depot

A man busy with his project sends his wife to Home Depot. When she gets there she finds the closest associate and tells him
"I need some...oh yes, 4 by 2's" and the associate kind of chuckles. He says that usually people call them 2 by 4's but that's OK. He walks with her to the limber section...

My blind friend went to Home Depot...

he picked up a hammer and saw!

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Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were ...

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The trip to Home Depot

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point o...

A PSA

I need to give everyone a warning. I was at the local Home Depot getting back into my truck where three hot young women came up to me and started rubbing their bodies all over me. Things got hot and heavy and a good time was had by all. I was heading home and I found that my wallet was missing! <...

And the bus driver's name is Mac.

A man got a new job driving a school bus. When he went to pick up the keys, the man behind the desk slammed them down and said, "Bus #1. Has a Big Bird picture on the side."

The man got in his bus and drove to the first stop. He picked up one boy, who immediately introduced himself. "Hi! My...

Someone should make an electronics shop that sells resistors and call it:

The Ohm Depot

I was at Home Depot....

I was at Home Depot and my girlfriend and I were looking at their halloween decorations. One of the workers accidentally ran over one of the skeleton decorations and I helped pick it up. He said "I didnt even know I was hitting him" so I replied "dont worry he is already dead". This motherfu, didnt ...

I was arrested for punching an elderly African-American lady at Home Depot.

My wife told me to find a Black N' Decker.

What did Lil' Jon do when Home Depot employee tried to sell him a lightbulb?

Turned down 4 watt

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A Camel and a Captain

An army captain got sent to a remote desert outpost. On the first day his lieutenant shows the new captain around, he shows him the weapon depot, the officers mess and then takes him to a small tent. Inside the tent, lies a sleeping female camel.

The confused captain asked him why they had a...

Husband and wife have trouble conceiving.

So they go to the doctor. By the end of the visit, the doctor determines it’s their stress causing the problem and their constant planning is a major contributor.

He tells them not to worry and as soon as they are in the mood, don’t hesitate and make love.

A month later they come bac...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot...

...One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them...

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

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Freudian slip

A man is sitting in the waiting area of a bus depot when another man sits next to him, shaking his head and gently chuckling. Unable to keep his amusement to himself, he turns to the first man and asks "have you ever had one of those moments where you mean to say one thing but you accidentally say s...

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Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

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3 couples are trying to join a church group

A senior couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds.

The priest tells them that to get in the group, they need to go 2 weeks without sex.

2 weeks pass and they come back, the priest asks them how they did.

"no problem" answers the senior couple.

"the first week was d...

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A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously ver...

Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"

Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"

"You're too rough."

Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."

She responds, ...

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

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There was this little guy sitting in a bar

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ,"...

A warning to other Men.

A pair of thieves is operating outside of Home Depot. Two young blonde hair, blue-eyed 20 year-olds have been pretending that their car has broken down, and need a ride home. Once the mark has let them into the vehicle, they begin to kiss and caress each other. They moan and grind against each other...

I was taking a dump and suddenly got stuck in the toilet and couldn't get out.

That was the worst experience I ever had at a Home Depot.

Paddy’s Suggestion

Paddy and Mick are blind drunk and going home from a night out and realize that they don’t have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus Depot and steal a bus. … Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stands as a lookout. …

After a while, Paddy decides to see what is keeping Mi...

[Long] A new postman has been doing his route for about 6 months....

After a while ee notices at one house they keep receiving letters that look identical. Two or three times a week this happens. After a month or so he notices the envelopes start to look a bit shabby and he starts to suspect that it is the same letter being posted over and over again.

The pos...

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A man is sitting at a bar when an Asian man walks in and sits next to him

Five minutes later the Asian man kicks the first man off his barstool

The first man looks at him and asks him why he did I that and the Asian man replies that's karate from Korea

Not wanting any trouble the man gets up and sits back down

Five minutes later the Asian man kicks th...

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you if you don't...

How do you kill a cat with 16 lives?

You run it over with a 4x4.

Bonus joke.

How do you kill a cat with 8 lives at home depot?

You hit it with a 2x4

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

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Three married couples want to join a church

There is a young newlywed couple, middle aged couple, and older couple. They talk to the priest, and he informs them that they have to remain abstinent for 2 months before they can join the church.

They all agree and return 2 months later to talk to the priest.

Priest asks the elderl...

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Did you double check the fuel?

A villager from rural part of India is really excited about taking his first flight to start his new job in America. After saying the traditional goodbyes to the entire village, he gets onto the bus that will take him to the city.

Along the way, the bus runs out of fuel and he has to get out...

This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would no...

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.

The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the m...

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A man and a woman move to a new town...

...soon after getting married to one another. They decide to join the local church in an effort to make some new friends. The first time they attend the church service, the pastor calls out to the crowd and says that he needs 3 couples to step forward and accept a challenge. The newlyweds decide it ...

Two Belgian men are wandering around, far away from their town...

...when they walk past a bus depot. One of the men has the idea to steal a bus, so they can go home. The other man agrees and one of them climbs over the fence to steal a bus. After a lot of noise and two hours later, the Belgian finally returns with a bus. The other man asked what took him so long....

Where do electricians get supplies?

The Ohm Depot.

The difference between being naughty and being kinky

Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot

Three Couples trying to join a cult...

The Cult leader tells the couples that while marriages are maintaned, abstinence, even in marriage, must be upheld.

The husband of the first, older, couple says "Well, we have been together for nearly 50 years and while we still love each other, any intimate part of our relationship was gone...

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Abstinence

A young engaged couple were having their first pre-marital counseling session with their super-conservative pastor. After outlining the topics he'd like to discuss, the pastor said, "There's just one rule. I am a firm believer in abstinence before marriage. I know that up until now, you've been very...

I peed in the shower once

The manager of Home Depot kicked me out

What do you call it when someone comes to your house and takes all your pottery?

Home Depot.

They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

Two Irish fellas staggering home from the pub one night....

They're walking past the bus depot and Paddy says to Mick, "Mick, jump in there and steal a bus, we're far too drunk to be walking home".

Mick disappears into the bus depot, and 20mins later still no sign of Mick or a stolen bus. Paddy goes off to look for him.

Paddy finds Mick wander...

Guy bumps into a friend ...

... and says "Hey, man, can you believe that they fired me for stealing office supplies?"

Friend says, "Wow, that's crazy, they must really be hardnosed about that. Where did you work again?"

"Office Depot."

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Dave starts a new job as Bus Driver

Dave was starting a new job as a bus driver. He arrived at the bus depot and they told him he would be driving a bus with a "Sesame Street" advertisement on the side. He found this kind of amusing, and started his shift.

At the first stop, he picked up his first passenger. It was a fat woman....

Blind Man

I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)

George and Lou are enjoying a leisurely round of golf at their luxury retirement resort in Florida.

George says, "Lou, I've got to come clean. You know when I moved to this resort I told everyone I was a successful restaurateur in New Jersey? Well, the fact is, I ran a lunch cart for the last 50 years, never made any money, and it burned down. Insurance company settled with me for $500,000. I so...

Today, I took a shower

You have no idea how hard it was to get it out of Home Depot.

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Three couples want to join a church

... One has been married for 25 years, the second couple has been married for 5 years, and newlyweds. The priest tells them they can join the church, but only if they don't have sex for one week to prove their dedication.

A week later they return and the priest asks them how it went. The cou...

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Letter from a Farm Kid . . . Now at San Diego Marine Corps

Recruit Depot
Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly...

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One of the jokes I remember a friend telling me when I was a kid.

So there's this guy who can never say anything right.

He goes to the pet store with the intention of buying a Cocker Spaniel, but when he walks up to the store clerk, he says "Do you have a cock for sale?"

The woman says, "I'm sure you mean a Cocker Spaniel sir." And she hands him a ...

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