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Depot Jokes

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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot

When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”


The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit an...

What’s the difference between Home Depot and Taco Bell ?

You won’t find authentic Mexican at Taco Bell.

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A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.

The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

Why did Waldo and Carmen Sandiego get jobs at Home Depot?

Because you can never find anyone who works there.

Customer at home depot: is this spray good for wasps?

Me: No it kills them.

And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if ...

I was sitting on the roof of my bus depot thinking deep thoughts when the cops arrested me.

Apparently they didn't want me getting ideas above my station.

This year, Home Depot is selling Christmas decorations in the second aisle of the housewares section.

Aisle B, Home for Christmas.

What type of shark would you find in a Home Depot?

A hammerhead shark!

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Home Depot said they had bags of manure on the floor of the garden section.

Lying sacks of shit.

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

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What’s the difference between a greyhound depot in Newark, NJ and a Lobster with big titties?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean

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Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM


A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.


While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enoug...

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A guy enters a Home Depot...

A guy enters a Home depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home.

The next week the same guy comes back t...

I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater...

It was too big a whisk

My girlfriend didn’t like the way she looked in the mirror…

… so I decided I’d do what I could to restore her vanity. Got all the parts needed at Home Depot.

What does Home Depot take when it can't sleep?

Bin of Drills

Home depot is the best brothel

The vacuum sucks, the fan blows, the hammer bangs and they have plenty of pots to plant your seed.

A visit to Home Depot

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Mana...

I went to Home Depot and a guy walked up and asked,

"Can I help you with anything?" I said, "I'm looking to buy a table saw." He said "Do you have a particular model in mind?" and I said, "Well yeah, Kathy Ireland, but for now let's talk about a table saw."

I want to play a real life game of Among Us at Home Depot

But I'm busy doing tasks in electrical.

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The trip to Home Depot

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point o...

What's the difference between r/jokes and a recycling depot?

Occasionally new material passes through the recycling depot.

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Little Girl And Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction cr...

A man sends his wife to Home Depot

A man busy with his project sends his wife to Home Depot. When she gets there she finds the closest associate and tells him
"I need some...oh yes, 4 by 2's" and the associate kind of chuckles. He says that usually people call them 2 by 4's but that's OK. He walks with her to the limber section...

My blind friend went to Home Depot...

he picked up a hammer and saw!

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What do you call a warehouse full of prostitutes?

Orifice Depot

I was at Home Depot....

I was at Home Depot and my girlfriend and I were looking at their halloween decorations. One of the workers accidentally ran over one of the skeleton decorations and I helped pick it up. He said "I didnt even know I was hitting him" so I replied "dont worry he is already dead". This motherfu, didnt ...

A man is in line at Office Depot

A man is in line at Office Depot, he’s in the middle of the line.

Two people behind him say to him: “were late to our abortion protest.” The man said back saying: “Yeah, were all gonna be late to something.”

The two say again to the man: “Were late to our abortion protest.” The man the...

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Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were ...

I bought a fan from Home Depot and it came fully assembled.

I love it when a fan comes together.

How do you know you got everything on a trip to home depot?

Easy, you're on your third trip to Home Depot.

What's the difference is between a lobster with breast implants and a filthy bus depot?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus-station!
*edited because I screwed up my original punchline...

My wife and I got into an argument because she said I don't understand the concept of irony.

Ironically, we were at a bus depot at the time.

What did John Lennon say when he first arrived at the Door section of Home Depot.

Imagine all the peep holes.

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

A man was waiting in line to get into Home Depot during the quarantine...

The line stretched pretty far back and he could not see the end from the front of the line. He heard someone behind him yell out "Hey, Dave!" He turned around but only saw a sea of masks and no one looked familiar to him. His turn to enter came and he went inside the store. While pushing his car...

I was arrested for punching an elderly African-American lady at Home Depot.

My wife told me to find a Black N' Decker.

What did Lil' Jon do when Home Depot employee tried to sell him a lightbulb?

Turned down 4 watt

A man walks up to a sales clerk-

"Excuse me, Where are your Polish Sausages?"

The clerk asks "Are you Polish?" The man becomes irate and starts yelling "If I asked where the pasta was would you ask if I was Italian?", "no" replies the clerk. "If I asked where the corned beef was would you ask if I were Irish?" "no" replies ...

If you're looking for men to date, don't go to bars,

Go to Home Depot. It's 90% men, and they are already looking for projects to work on.

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.

We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goe...

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Here's a joke I wrote... maybe it's dumb, but really fun to tell.

So, I went to the Home Depot today and stumbled upon this new device used in the emergency room to re-attach a man's private parts after an accident. And guess what? It's nothing but a staple gun! But, sometimes, they mess up and attach it to the wrong person, and I heard they had to invent ANOTHER ...

Oh sure, when Thor throws a hammer, he's a hero!

But when I do it, I'm "out of control" and "banned from home depot!"

Hammer

This little guy is sitting in a bar, drinking and minding his own business.When all of a sudden a great big guy comes in and bang! knocks him clean off the barstool and onto the floor.The big guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.” The little guy gets up, brushes himself off and leaves the pr...

Two men stay out late drinking, miss the last bus and have to walk home

They pass the bus depot, so one says he'll break in and steal a bus to get them home.
Ages later, he comes to the door and goes, 'it's no use, I can't find a number 9.'
'You idiot!' says his friend, 'Just steal a 14, we'll get off at the corner and walk the rest of the way.'

Someone should make an electronics shop that sells resistors and call it:

The Ohm Depot

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Abstaining

Three couples went to see a minister each wanting to become members of his church. The minister said they would all have to abstain from sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. He explained that their acceptance would be based on how willing they were to make small sacrifices ...

Me: I want to take a bath.

Home Depot Employee: You need to pay for it first.

After I lost a close friend, I decided to get into some gardening

Went down to Home Depot, got all the necessary tools, and got to work immediately.
And now that a few months have gone by, I can say with full confidence that no one is going to find that body.

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer..it's "art" and "music".

But when I do it...I'm "wasted", and "have to leave Home Depot".

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

Paddy’s Suggestion

Paddy and Mick are blind drunk and going home from a night out and realize that they don’t have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus Depot and steal a bus. … Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stands as a lookout. …

After a while, Paddy decides to see what is keeping Mi...

I was taking a dump and suddenly got stuck in the toilet and couldn't get out.

That was the worst experience I ever had at a Home Depot.

Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"

Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"

"You're too rough."

Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."

She responds, ...

Two Irish fellas staggering home from the pub one night....

They're walking past the bus depot and Paddy says to Mick, "Mick, jump in there and steal a bus, we're far too drunk to be walking home".

Mick disappears into the bus depot, and 20mins later still no sign of Mick or a stolen bus. Paddy goes off to look for him.

Paddy finds Mick wander...

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

Where do electricians get supplies?

The Ohm Depot.

How do you kill a cat with 16 lives?

You run it over with a 4x4.

Bonus joke.

How do you kill a cat with 8 lives at home depot?

You hit it with a 2x4

The difference between being naughty and being kinky

Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot

What do you call it when someone comes to your house and takes all your pottery?

Home Depot.

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would no...

I peed in the shower once

The manager of Home Depot kicked me out

Why is it...

That when Miley Cyrus licks a hammer naked it's called 'Music' and 'Art', but when I do it, it's called 'Property Damage' and 'Nudity' and I get kicked out of Home Depot?

They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

A PSA

I need to give everyone a warning. I was at the local Home Depot getting back into my truck where three hot young women came up to me and started rubbing their bodies all over me. Things got hot and heavy and a good time was had by all. I was heading home and I found that my wallet was missing! <...

Husband and wife have trouble conceiving.

So they go to the doctor. By the end of the visit, the doctor determines it’s their stress causing the problem and their constant planning is a major contributor.

He tells them not to worry and as soon as they are in the mood, don’t hesitate and make love.

A month later they come bac...

A warning to other Men.

A pair of thieves is operating outside of Home Depot. Two young blonde hair, blue-eyed 20 year-olds have been pretending that their car has broken down, and need a ride home. Once the mark has let them into the vehicle, they begin to kiss and caress each other. They moan and grind against each other...

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

Guy bumps into a friend ...

... and says "Hey, man, can you believe that they fired me for stealing office supplies?"

Friend says, "Wow, that's crazy, they must really be hardnosed about that. Where did you work again?"

"Office Depot."

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.

The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the m...

Today, I took a shower

You have no idea how hard it was to get it out of Home Depot.

Blind Man

I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)

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3 couples are trying to join a church group

A senior couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds.

The priest tells them that to get in the group, they need to go 2 weeks without sex.

2 weeks pass and they come back, the priest asks them how they did.

"no problem" answers the senior couple.

"the first week was d...

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A Camel and a Captain

An army captain got sent to a remote desert outpost. On the first day his lieutenant shows the new captain around, he shows him the weapon depot, the officers mess and then takes him to a small tent. Inside the tent, lies a sleeping female camel.

The confused captain asked him why they had a...

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Freudian slip

A man is sitting in the waiting area of a bus depot when another man sits next to him, shaking his head and gently chuckling. Unable to keep his amusement to himself, he turns to the first man and asks "have you ever had one of those moments where you mean to say one thing but you accidentally say s...

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

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The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver...

... and instructed him
to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very
loud voice, "Free bus to the hotel Astor!" On the way to the
station on his first trip her kept repeating to himself, "Free bus
to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he
mem...

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A man is sitting at a bar when an Asian man walks in and sits next to him

Five minutes later the Asian man kicks the first man off his barstool

The first man looks at him and asks him why he did I that and the Asian man replies that's karate from Korea

Not wanting any trouble the man gets up and sits back down

Five minutes later the Asian man kicks th...

Two Belgian men are wandering around, far away from their town...

...when they walk past a bus depot. One of the men has the idea to steal a bus, so they can go home. The other man agrees and one of them climbs over the fence to steal a bus. After a lot of noise and two hours later, the Belgian finally returns with a bus. The other man asked what took him so long....

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A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously ver...

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