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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot

When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”


The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit an...

What’s the difference between a double D lobster and a 50 year old bus depot?

...One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean

Home depot is the best brothel

The vacuum sucks, the fan blows, the hammer bangs and they have plenty of pots to plant your seed.

What's the difference between r/jokes and a recycling depot?

Occasionally new material passes through the recycling depot.

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A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on the way to the depot.

The police have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

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3 couples are trying to join a church group

A senior couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds.

The priest tells them that to get in the group, they need to go 2 weeks without sex.

2 weeks pass and they come back, the priest asks them how they did.

"no problem" answers the senior couple.

"the first week was d...

How do you know you got everything on a trip to home depot?

Easy, you're on your third trip to Home Depot.

A visit to Home Depot

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Mana...

I was at Home Depot....

I was at Home Depot and my girlfriend and I were looking at their halloween decorations. One of the workers accidentally ran over one of the skeleton decorations and I helped pick it up. He said "I didnt even know I was hitting him" so I replied "dont worry he is already dead". This motherfu, didnt ...

What did John Lennon say when he first arrived at the Door section of Home Depot.

Imagine all the peep holes.

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5 Year Old's First Job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and
some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when
we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, ...

I bought a fan from Home Depot and it came fully assembled.

I love it when a fan comes together.

HANDICAPPED PARKING AT HOME DEPOT

Why do we need 24 handicapped parking spaces at Home Depot? Could we just talk about this? If a guy can spackle his bathroom, lay pipe and put up gutters, don't you think you can walk the extra 30 feet to the parking lot?

What's a Home Depot employee's favourite game

The customer is lava

What's the difference is between a lobster with breast implants and a filthy bus depot?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus-station!
*edited because I screwed up my original punchline...

A man is in line at Office Depot

A man is in line at Office Depot, he’s in the middle of the line.

Two people behind him say to him: “were late to our abortion protest.” The man said back saying: “Yeah, were all gonna be late to something.”

The two say again to the man: “Were late to our abortion protest.” The man the...

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PSA: BE CAREFUL SHOPPING AT HOME DEPOT

SHOPPING AT HOME DEPOT

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive ...

A man sends his wife to Home Depot

A man busy with his project sends his wife to Home Depot. When she gets there she finds the closest associate and tells him
"I need some...oh yes, 4 by 2's" and the associate kind of chuckles. He says that usually people call them 2 by 4's but that's OK. He walks with her to the limber section...

My blind friend went to Home Depot...

he picked up a hammer and saw!

I was arrested for punching an elderly African-American lady at Home Depot.

My wife told me to find a Black N' Decker.

Adam Libnitzki(32) got struck by lightning.

02, Jul, 2019 | Sunday

This Sunday morning was a melancholic event in the Libnitzki family, As the 32 year old father of three children aged 2,3 and 16 years old was found dead due to a lightning strike. The grieving wife informed the reporters that her husband was a loved man and was a well ...

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The trip to Home Depot

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point o...

A man walks up to the store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or...

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NSFW - The Little Girl and the Construction Site

A family moved into a house next door to an empty construction site. Later in the year, builders started construction.

The family's 8 year old daughter was utterly fascinated by the daily activities of the builders and sat on the fence after school each day and all day weekends, watching....

I was taking a dump and suddenly got stuck in the toilet and couldn't get out.

That was the worst experience I ever had at a Home Depot.

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A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously ver...

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

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There was this little guy sitting in a bar

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ,"...

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Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

[Long] A new postman has been doing his route for about 6 months....

After a while ee notices at one house they keep receiving letters that look identical. Two or three times a week this happens. After a month or so he notices the envelopes start to look a bit shabby and he starts to suspect that it is the same letter being posted over and over again.

The pos...

My friend really sucks at carpentry

He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw.

The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked

Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer?

Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head.

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Did you double check the fuel?

A villager from rural part of India is really excited about taking his first flight to start his new job in America. After saying the traditional goodbyes to the entire village, he gets onto the bus that will take him to the city.

Along the way, the bus runs out of fuel and he has to get out...

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A man is sitting at a bar when an Asian man walks in and sits next to him

Five minutes later the Asian man kicks the first man off his barstool

The first man looks at him and asks him why he did I that and the Asian man replies that's karate from Korea

Not wanting any trouble the man gets up and sits back down

Five minutes later the Asian man kicks th...

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

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Three married couples want to join a church

There is a young newlywed couple, middle aged couple, and older couple. They talk to the priest, and he informs them that they have to remain abstinent for 2 months before they can join the church.

They all agree and return 2 months later to talk to the priest.

Priest asks the elderl...

How do you kill a cat with 16 lives?

You run it over with a 4x4.

Bonus joke.

How do you kill a cat with 8 lives at home depot?

You hit it with a 2x4

Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"

Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"

"You're too rough."

Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."

She responds, ...

Two Belgian men are wandering around, far away from their town...

...when they walk past a bus depot. One of the men has the idea to steal a bus, so they can go home. The other man agrees and one of them climbs over the fence to steal a bus. After a lot of noise and two hours later, the Belgian finally returns with a bus. The other man asked what took him so long....

My friend just had a medical exam to work at one of those big box home improvement stores and found out he has hemophilia. Before that the most interesting thing about him was his stylish taste in clothes.

He's the most dope hemo at home depot.

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A man and a woman move to a new town...

...soon after getting married to one another. They decide to join the local church in an effort to make some new friends. The first time they attend the church service, the pastor calls out to the crowd and says that he needs 3 couples to step forward and accept a challenge. The newlyweds decide it ...

I peed in the shower once

The manager of Home Depot kicked me out

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Dave starts a new job as Bus Driver

Dave was starting a new job as a bus driver. He arrived at the bus depot and they told him he would be driving a bus with a "Sesame Street" advertisement on the side. He found this kind of amusing, and started his shift.

At the first stop, he picked up his first passenger. It was a fat woman....

The difference between being naughty and being kinky

Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.

The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the m...

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Abstinence

A young engaged couple were having their first pre-marital counseling session with their super-conservative pastor. After outlining the topics he'd like to discuss, the pastor said, "There's just one rule. I am a firm believer in abstinence before marriage. I know that up until now, you've been very...

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I think it's bullcrap how Miley Cyrus can get naked, lick a sledge hammer, and people call it "art" and "music".

Yet when I do it, I'm "wasted" and " have to leave Home Depot".

George and Lou are enjoying a leisurely round of golf at their luxury retirement resort in Florida.

George says, "Lou, I've got to come clean. You know when I moved to this resort I told everyone I was a successful restaurateur in New Jersey? Well, the fact is, I ran a lunch cart for the last 50 years, never made any money, and it burned down. Insurance company settled with me for $500,000. I so...

The Royal Mail

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"
"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 ...

This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would no...

Blind Man

I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)

Where do electricians get supplies?

The Ohm Depot.

Two Irish fellas staggering home from the pub one night....

They're walking past the bus depot and Paddy says to Mick, "Mick, jump in there and steal a bus, we're far too drunk to be walking home".

Mick disappears into the bus depot, and 20mins later still no sign of Mick or a stolen bus. Paddy goes off to look for him.

Paddy finds Mick wander...

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Abstience

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlyw...

Three Couples trying to join a cult...

The Cult leader tells the couples that while marriages are maintaned, abstinence, even in marriage, must be upheld.

The husband of the first, older, couple says "Well, we have been together for nearly 50 years and while we still love each other, any intimate part of our relationship was gone...

They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

What do you call it when someone comes to your house and takes all your pottery?

Home Depot.

Guy bumps into a friend ...

... and says "Hey, man, can you believe that they fired me for stealing office supplies?"

Friend says, "Wow, that's crazy, they must really be hardnosed about that. Where did you work again?"

"Office Depot."

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Three couples want to join a church

... One has been married for 25 years, the second couple has been married for 5 years, and newlyweds. The priest tells them they can join the church, but only if they don't have sex for one week to prove their dedication.

A week later they return and the priest asks them how it went. The cou...

Today, I took a shower

You have no idea how hard it was to get it out of Home Depot.

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There was an engaged couple...

talking to a priest about the possibility of getting married in his church.

"You two look like fine young lovers, and I would be happy to marry you, but first you must prove your loyalty to one another by abstaining from sex for a month."

The couple agreed and they all planned to meet ...

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