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Grand Jokes

Today is the Grand Opening of the new Lego Store.

People are lined up for blocks.

My wife reminds me of Ariana Grande.

She’ll say “Don’t forget, next Wednesday we’re seeing Ariana Grande”

TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.

But not twice.

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A sweet old lady took her awful grandkids to the Grand Canyon.

These kids were the worst. Constantly fighting, constantly screaming, constantly doing things they shouldn't, actively trying to piss off everyone else. Finally they sent her over the edge. >!Those kids are stronger than they look.!<

Why is the Grand Canyon called Grand Canyon?

He thought Gargantuan Canyon made him sound fat

Why do orphans play Grand Theft Auto

So they can be wanted.

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Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

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A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

Why is Grand Moff Tarkin single?

He keeps looking for love in Alderann places.

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

The Grand Canyon is so beautiful

Or should I say gorge-ous!

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

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Grand Misunderstanding?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?...

If baby grand pianos just smaller versions of grand pianos, shouldn't they just be called...

pianos?

My buddy has a sign in his driveway that says "Chevy parking only". I drive a Grand Caravan.

Needless to say, I've been Dodging the guy.

An old man and his grand daughter were sitting together in a room

The grandfather says to his grand daughter;

' Susie, get me a newspaper, will ya'

The grand daughter says;

' Oh grandpa you are such a boring boomer, it's the 21st century we normal human beings use phones now'. 'Here take my phone', she hands over her phone to the old man.
<...

A Grand Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling...

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A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

“They were giving dicks like yours...

Made My Own Grand kids

With a patient in my medical exam room:

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I ...

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

love is grand

divorce is 100 grand

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

TIL Ariana Grande is actually a pop singer.

I thought it was a fancy coffee for white supremacists.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

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Seen on X. Credit to @614clinton

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.
"You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't hav...

Why did the Republic grow distrustful of Master Yoda’s position as Grand Master?

Because he turned out to be a puppet

A man finds a magic lantern on the beach

A genie comes out and says "I will grand you three wishes, but I'm a different type of genie, I need you to know whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double."

The guy is kind of amazed the genie knows about his ex-wife, but he goes ahead and starts making wishes.

"I wish I had ...

I once saw a grand opening of an optometrist office

It was quite the spectacle.

A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano...

... A wise man gives his wife an upright organ.

Like I always say. Marriage is grand.

Divorce is a hundred-grand.

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I make a grand a month making cat noises with my bum

Arse miaou

Grand dad...

One morning after a fresh rain, a grandfather and his young grandson are walking the property. The grandfather looks down and sees an earthworm emerging from its burrow.

"Okay, sonny, here's a challenge: If you can figure out a way to get that worm back inside his burrow, I'll give you $5.00...

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I should name my dog Ariana Grande

That way I could say that I fucked Ariana Grande

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

You know, a friend of mine met a guy last week who told her he was a billionaire.

\- She slept with him, and the next morning, he gave her money for a bus.

\- Wow, she must be freaking mad at him.

\- Nah, not really. A bus costs, what, two hundred grand?

I defeated a chess grand master in three moves.

I stood up; picked up a chair and hit him with it.

Just been told a woman won the grand national. Unbelievable.

No chance my missus would get over all those fences.

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Grand dad and grand son go on a fishing trip.[Long]

A grand dad is taking his 6 year old grand son on a fishing trip for the day. Before they go out the grand mom packs the grand son a lunch and some snacks while the grand dad packs his own lunch and beers then they leave.

After an hour on the boat the grand dad opens a beer and begins to rel...

30 grand

A man had $30,000 and was about to die, so he hired a doctor, preacher, and lawyer. The man told the three when I die each of you throw $10,000 of my money in my grave with me. So the man died and they did.

Months later the doctor confessed, I only threw $7,000. I used $3,000 for medical res...

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Did you know Hitler loved the Grand Prix?

Yeah, he really hated other races.

An old granny and her grand daughter are chatting about granpa

-Did you love him, granma?
-Oh yes, i loved him so much. He was all my life, even tough he was so lazy.
-How come?
-You see, everytime there was something not working, he would never do anything about It. "Al, the sink Is broken." "Do i look like a plumber?" He would reply. "Hon, a brick fe...

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An eagle is flying over the Grand Canyon when it spies a frog by a stream.

The eagle swoops down and swallows the frog whole, flying off with a full stomach. Somehow the frog makes it through the eagle's digestive tract and pokes his head out of the eagle's asshole.

The frog takes a look around and yells back at the eagle: "Hey eagle. About how high up are we?
<...

What does the Pope say when the Grand Canyon starts to flash flood?

God, dam it.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

What does Ariana Grande want to be when she grows up?

Ariana Venti

\*Thanks to my dad for this one

The Chess Grand Master was embarrassed when they found out he used to play a much simpler game…

…that’s right, he had a “checkered past.”

A man was at the Grand canyon

As he sat watching, ten puns came walking up. They all started talking excitedly and strapping on wings. He asked them what they were doing and they said they were going to fly down the canyon. One by one they all jumped off and began to glide down. Suddenly a gust of wind struck and they dropped ou...

What's the difference between your mom and the Grand Canyon?

One is a tourist attraction... The other is the Grand Canyon

How many debutantes can you fit in the grand ballroom of the Waldorf Astoria?

About a cotillion of 'em

I am so single. I went to Grand Canyon, alone. I yelled “I love you” just to hear it said back to me.

My echo replied. “I just want to be friends”

Three men were stranded on a deserted island

when they discovered a magical golden fish swimming near the shore. The fish promised to grant each of them one wish.

The first man said, "I wish I were back home with my family." In an instant, he disappeared from the island and found himself surrounded by his loved ones.

...

Two men die and go to heaven, St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates

"Gentlemen," he says, "I'm very sorry, but your condos aren't ready yet, so I can send you back to Earth for a few days in whatever form you wish."

"Well," the first man says, "I always thought I'd like to be an eagle soaring majestically over the Grand Canyon."

"And I'd like to be a r...

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

What does Ariana Grande...

What does Ariana Grande order at McDonald's ?

A Mac Miller.

I've always wanted to visit the Grand Canyon

I hear it is just gorges.

What trophy do octopuses win as the grand prize in the cephalopod racing tournament?

The Suction Cup

The other day,Grandpa heard his 18 years old grand son complimenting his girlfriend on how good she gives head.

Just after the call, grandpa queried his grand son "son, what's meant by giving head?" his son replied coyly "oh, it is just a jargon for giving suggestions". A fortnight came,the family was dinning when mom initiated a conversation between grandpa.
Mom:dad,since we're few days away from your bir...

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

My 6 yr old grand child gave me this. Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!

My grand-dad died in 9/11

He was the best pilot in Saudi-Arabia.

GRAND THEFT AUTO

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Jesus walks up to his favorite Starbucks’ counter and politely asks for a grande macchiato.

The barista, puzzled, inquires, “Why the new order?”

“I’ve been stuck on a tall Pike for a while.”




(An original by me.)

I had dinner once with a Chess Grand Master in a restaurant with checked tablecloths..

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

A boy asks his grand dad where humans cane from

The grand dad says “well, god created the earth and decided to make humans to populate it.”

The boy says “but that’s not what grand ma said!”

The grand dad asks “well what did she say?”

The boy says “grand ma says that a smart monkey girl had a baby with a smart monkey boy and ...

I like the word “ethereal.” It conjures such interesting imagery, like the aurora borealis, or the soft glow of galaxies in the night sky over the Grand Canyon.

It also sounds like a person with a lisp, trying to tell me to eat cereal.

I asked my Granddaughter to hand me the newspaper. She told me newspapers are outdated, and everyone now uses tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

My girlfriend looks a little like Ariana Grande

And a lot like Patrick Ewing

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

Just looked into my family tree and found out both great great grand parents are related...

It's not every day you get to learn about your incestors

Between grand theft and a legal fee...

...there only stands a law degree.

Have you read the book Grand Canyon mishap?

It was written by Illen Dover and Phil Lin.

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Guy walks into a bar, sign says Win Grand Prize $10,000, ask the bartender

So the guy asks. The bartender says, you have to do three things: first you have to whip the bar back's ass he's 6'3 and 250 pounds. Next you have to go down in the basement and pull a sore tooth out of my Rottweilers mouth. Lastly, you have to go upstairs and fuck my grandmother and she's 97 years ...

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Two horses are chatting after winning their respective races at the grand national...

"I say old chap, you did fantastically on your race! How did you manage?"

"Well to be honest I'm a little confused, I couldn't break out of the pack, couldn't make any ground when about a third of the way round the course I felt this burning heat, right up my arse, so I powered on trying to g...

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

Why do so many people want to see the Grand Canyon?

Well, you can’t deny it’s just gorges.

While hiking at the Grand Canyon for the first time, my girlfriend was inspired by the view.

She confidently walked up to the edge and she turned to me and said "Ya know, I really want to make a difference. I really want to make an impact on this world."

...All she needed was a little push in the right direction.

I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost

Can't win the mall

Do you think we should bring your Grand father's ashes to the party?

Sister: No, we probably dont need to

Me: No, I dont think its necessary

Uncle: No, I think it's dead weight

A friend just got a brand new grand piano

I complimented him on it by saying it plays like a baby. He asked what did I mean by that? I said it's smooth, beautiful, and it makes an unbelievable racket if you kick it down a flight of stairs.

At the sporting competition yesterday, the grand prize was made out of Tungsten.

I don't know about you, but that's a pretty big W for me

How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?

She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.

A report came on the news that a maniac was driving the wrong way down the motorway.

I thought I had better give my grandad, who was visiting me, a call and warn him.
He said, "There's not just one, there's hundreds of them."

If someone hands you 100 grand, what do you say?

I don't take candy from strangers.

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An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.

After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a ...

What's more beautiful than a delicate rose placed gracefully upon an elegant grand piano?

Somebody putting tulips on your organ.

I got bored the other day so I decided to play a game of grand theft auto

The local police did NOT appreciate that

On New Year's Eve back in 1999, a friend bet me a couple grand that computers were going to stop working

"Why $2k?" I asked.

Two duck hunters on the Rio Grande...

one, a texan on the us side of the river and the other, a mexican on the other. a duck flies over, both shoot, the duck falls and lands on sandbar in the middle of the river. both men claim to have shot the duck, so the texan offers a solution. "lets start kickin' each other in the nuts till one of ...

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My grand uncle revealed to me that he has been in a same sex marriage for years.

I asked him, "How did you do it when it was illegal back then?”

He was confused, so I said “back then it was illegal to marry a male, since you are a male.”

My grand uncle said, “I wish. I’ve always want to try something different with my wife, but she just wants the same sex day after...

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Arianna Grande is on her way to a photoshoot...

in a plane. The plane crashes on a remote, deserted island. Everyone dies, except for Arianna and her male photographer.

At first they're scared shitless, but it turns out the island has lots of fruit and fresh water. Life isn't so bad. They soon realize that they're soul mates and they fall ...

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