There was an island 100 meters away

I swam 50 meters and got tired so I swam back.

A Spanish greengrocer is 1.74 meters tall, has a waist circumference of 105 centimeters, and wears a size of 44. What does he weigh?

Vegetables

Thanks to Corona a distance of 1.5 meters needs to be respected in my country

BMW drivers are proud, been using this technique for years.

Most blocks in Minecraft are one square meter. Where in Minecraft can you find a block that has only two square feet?

Whichever one the player’s standing on.

The safety distance of 2 meters has been hard for the people in Finland.

Luckily, when it's over, we can return to the usual 10 meter distancing.

I asked my boss what he wanted me to do with six meters of bubble wrap. He said just pop it in the corner.

It took me four bloody hours!

I quit the 100 meter-sprint yesterday

I think I'll be better off in the long run.

Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny

Whose limericks were not worth a penny.

Oh, the rhyme was all right,

And the meter was tight,

But whenever she tried to write any,

She always wrote one line too many.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek.

It’s Einstein’s turn to be it.
Pascal is nowhere to be found, but Newton draws a 1m X 1m square right in front of Einstein and stands in its centre.
Einstein says, “Newton, you’re terrible! I found you right away!”
Newton replies, “No, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve ...

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

“The 40 yard dash,” answered Timmy. “100 meters,” said Becky. “Blacks,” said Billy.

Coach’s face fell to the floor. “That’s not what I meant when I asked what race makes you most nervous.”

Lada breaks down on the autobahn...

... Driver gets out only to see someone pull up in a Porsche Cayenne. Cayenne driver asks him does he need a tow. Lada driver replies with a "Yes. I will turn my right blinker on to tell you that you are going too fast." After a few hundred meters, a person in a Lamborghini Urus speeds by.

Po...

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My first time having sex was like the olympic 100 meter sprint.

Not because it was over in 10 seconds, but because it included 8 black men and a gun.

Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

I saw a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long.

I called it a πthon.

A 100 meter race

Announcer : 1 2 3 start.

Everyone except one guy started running.

Announcer : Why aren't you running ?

The guy : Because my number is four.

There are 3 guys in prison...

The guard asks the first guy how high he can jump. 1 meter he awnsers. Okay says the guard you get 1 sandwich.

#

The guard goes to next prisoner and asks how high the man can jump. 2 meters he says. Okay says the guard you get 2 sandwiches.

#

The third guy who was listeni...

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

My brother keeps saying that my friend Rick is 2 meters tall, but I KNOW he's closer to 6 feet.

He doesn't think I've metric.

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll.

All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.

A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched i...

My niece asked me what Cu.M. stands for

It took me 2 minutes to understand it was Cubic Meter and not something I was thinking.

My friend was mad that I had to ask him for a quarter for the hundredth time to pay the parking meter. He asked why I never have any on me.

I told him I’ve never carried any coins before and I don’t ever plan to start. I don’t like change.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for an empty glass

The bartender gives him the glass. Then he says to the bartender "I bet 100$ I can piss into this glass from a meter away without a single drop on the floor". The bartender agrees, puts the glass on a table and stands next to it. The guy takes three steps back, pulls his pants down and starts peeing...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side.

Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per...

An old Soviet anecdote [WARNING: GORE]

A chief talks to his tribe:

— Are we the greatest tribe?

Entire tribe shouts:

— YES!!!

— Then we need our own nuclear bomb and a rocket to carry it!

— YES!!!

— Let's build them then.

The tribe chopped down the thickest and tallest tree in the forest, ...

A woman and her husband are driving down the highway, when all of a sudden - splat - they've hit something furry

The woman pulls over, gets out and looks behind the car. A little bunny is squashed on the side of the road. The man, coming up behind him, says "Oh poor little guy."

"It's OK," says the woman, "I've got just the thing." She goes back, rummages in her handbag, and comes back with a spray can....

A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.

As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says ...

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A mathematician and a physicist...

... are invited to participate in a psychological experiment.

The first one is the mathematician.

He is guided into a room where his wife sits on a chair, only wearing lingerie, looking at him with lust and desire. The surprised mathematician is placed on a chair a few meters away.
...

Why don't the guys from Led Zeppelin use parking meters?

Because they have No Quarter.

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman find a magic lamp

A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman are walking on a beach and find a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. He tells them that they each get a single wish.

The Scotsman goes first. “I wish for Scotland to make the finest whisky forever.” The genie granted the wish, and...not mu...

If the US would switch from inches to meters

We'd have a lengthy discussion

The hiker and a camel

A man was hiking on a desert with his group, and saw a sign.

"Camels to ride for hire"

He decided to try that out as it looked fun.
The person hiring the camels told the hiker:

"Say 'woah' and the camel starts walking"

"Say 'that was close' and the camel starts running...

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The bravest men. (Translate from Vietnamese)

3 countries USA, Japan and Vietnam in the final round of the world championship to find the bravest.

2 USA cowboys jumped on their horses and each horse galloped in opposite directions. After about 200 meters, the two men pulled out their guns and shot each other's hats. The act was also qu...

What's 20 meters long and smells like urine?

A polonaise in a nursing home.

The Brazilian the Argentine and the Genius

(To understand the joke you need to know that there is a lot of rivalry between Brazilians and Argentines) An Argentine and a Brazilian when walking through the desert found a magic lamp. A genie came out of it and began to speak: "You are my masters and each of you will be granted a wish." The Ar...

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I’ve just seen a robot ejaculate 100 meters

Technology has come so far

Two dogs were walking by a parking meter

The first dog said,

"Would you look at that, a pay toilet."

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Frenchman in Morocco

A Frenchman seeking some thrills travels to Morocco and decides to go bungee jumping off the top of mosques. As he bounces back into the air, all of the passerby in Morocco are in awe and one Moroccan passerby decides that he wants to try it himself.

He finds the Frenchman at a nearby cafe a...

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Jesus and a parrot

There was once a man who had bought an incredibly intelligent European parrot.
He thought, hell, it's so intelligent he could give it some chores. He thought the most efficient way to make the parrot obedient is to threaten it; saying that if it disobeys him, he'll nail it right next to Jesus Ch...

The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

“I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”

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3 couples participated in an experiment about orgasms.

Each couple was shown a room with a bed full of sensors. Above the door leading into each room, was a special meter, akin to a speedometer, able to indicate up to 100.

So first round, couples do their routine stuff, and go see their meters. 20, 40, 60. There was a locked door however, the met...

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A tale of 3 Jews

3 Jews are in a Concentration camp.

The Nazi officer asks the first one "how high kan you jump"? "1 meter", says the first jew. The officer gives him some bread and water and asks the second jew that same question. "i can jump 2 meters high". "Not bad" says the officer and gives him wine and ...

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A Russian, an American and a englishman is discussing.

The Russian shows off by saying that the russian fleet can reach all around the world in one line without a single gap.
The American answers: ha that's nothing if our air force takes off all at once we can block out the sun entirely.
They then both look at the Englishman who simply says: I kno...

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A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

What race you hate the most?

For me its 800 meters. Its not short enough for a full spring, but not long enough for a endurance run.

In the Military bootcamp

Soldier: SIR WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN STEPPING ON A MINE?

Sergeant: Easy jump 10 meters in the Air and distribute yourself evenly in a radius of 15 meters

What 20 meters long and bald?

The conga line at the cancer department.

An Asian, an European and an American is stranded on an island after surviving a sinking ship accident.

They now want to start a new society, at least until they're rescued.

The American decides to be the minister of building and construction and the European takes the position as the minister of food and cooking.

Left over, the Asian is now pretty disappointed that they can't find any m...

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A boy was sitting with his grandfather...

After a while of silence, the grandfather points out to the city and says, "do you see that road, grandson? I built that road with my own hands. But do they call me 'Peter the Road Layer'? No... "

He scans the city, and points again. "And that church, there. I built that church board by board...

What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes?

Soviet bread line.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

What do you call several blonde hair blue-eyed men doing the 100 meter dash?

The superior race

A restaurant owner says that he employs a 2-meter tall musician.

The musician was 160 cms tall, just another man exaggerating the size of his pianist.

I was in an airport

A woman was taking my temperature because of the coronavirus

I was 1.8 meters and she was 1.5 meters, so I got down in knee just for her to take my temperature , and everyone started clapping


They thought that I was proposing

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

Two musicians, violating social distancing

I was annoyed to see two musicians together today, violating social distancing. They were counting: one repeated "1 2 3, 1 2 3,"…; the other, "1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5,"… "Hey!", I said, "It's unsafe, so close together!" "No worries", they replied, "we have two meters between us."

What family member cannot stand 9.8 meters per second?

‘Auntie’ Gravity.

My favorite Finnish joke

Pekka is at a party in a tall building in the great city of Helsinki, which is quite different from the small timber cabin in the forest he is used to as a lumberjack. Pekka is enjoying the party, but after a few bottles of the moonshine he brought, Pekka finds himself in the need of a toilet. He as...

What's a dinosaur's favourite poetic meter?

Ptero-Dactyls

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years...

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English sc...

Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau run a 100-meter race...

Trudeau easily overtakes Trump and wins.

Minutes later, the White House tweets a press note:

"President Trump won prestigious silver in US-Canada race. The Canadian showed up second-to-last."

An Englishman is sat on a park bench in Dublin watching 2 council workers.

One of them digs a hole, then they both lean on their shovels and look at it for a minute or two. Then the second one fills the hole in and they move on a few meters and repeat the process.

After he's watched them do this 4-5 times the Englishman goes up and asked them what they're doing.
...

You don’t find many European people with a fetish for feet

They’re more in to meters

What's the worst thing about running 100 meters in less than 10 seconds?

Being black.

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A few famous scientists are playing a game of hide-and-seek

Einstein starts looking for everyone. Most of them hide, except Newton, who pulls out a piece of paper exactly 1m x 1m in size and places it on the ground next to him.

When Einstein finds him, he shouts: I've found you, Isaac! You've lost!"

The other physicist replies: "Nope. You must ...

Some people have a foot fetish.

I have a meter fetish.

Three professors are on a hunting trip

After hours of trudging through the woods, they spot their first game of the day: a deer sleeping soundly in the middle of a clearing.

The first one, a physicist, takes out his notebook and uses the equations of motion to aim his rifle at the perfect angle. Bang! His bullet whizzes past the d...

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

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A white guy in the elevator...

So there's a white guy standing in the elevator. Just as the door are about to close, a huge black guy gets in. He stretches his huge arms around the elevator and he says:
- Hi. I'm two meters high. Two meters wide. Have a half meter penis and a kilogram per testicle. I'm Turner Brown!
After h...

A man is canoeing in the everglades

After spending the day exploring, things look differently then he remembers finding his way back, and realizes he’s lost.

To make matters worse, a large reptilian appears to be swimming under and around his boat as the sun is starting to drop.

At his wits end, he yells “goddammit im l...

Hey let me tell you an IT joke: how many meters is there in a kilometer?

1024

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This is my dog. he’s weird tho all he talks about are trees

**HER:** because he says bark? haha that’s funn-

**MY DOG:** the sequoiadendron giganteum is the largest tree in the world. it is 52,500 cubic feet (1,487 cubic meters) in volume

**HER:** what the fuck

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island.

The boat they brought with them sunk in a storm overnight, and there was no signal on the island. All they had was a fitbit and a map, which told them they were 2000 meters away from the mainland. They agree to take turns swimming to the mainland.

The redhead goes out to swim first with the f...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide & seek...

Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting.

While Pascal runs off and hides, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly one meter, and then sits down inside the square.

When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ...

Two guys are walking through a field when they came across a well.

One of the guys asks "how deep do you think that is?"
The second replies "That's easy. Just drop something down it, count how many seconds it takes to hit the bottom, and multiply by 9 meters for each second. Give or take for air resistance."


"What should we drop?" Said the first.
L...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

Contrary to popular belief, Americans actually use their feet more than any other country in the world!

The Europeans prefer the meter.

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

A man walked into a warehouse looking for a hula hoop.

Once he found one of size, he measured it. A nice length it was! The width of the hoop was 1 meter.

The man began to hack away at the hoop, when suddenly, a voice emerged!

"Please don't cut me! I was created with a circumference of 3.14 meters!"

The man chuckled, and continued t...

A guy just knocked on my door.

I opened it and he was about 3 foot 3 inches tall.

I said, “Who are you?”

He replied, “I’m the meter man.”

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A guy climbs Everest...

At the middle a very sexy blonde stops him and asks:

-Do you want me or to succeed?

The ambitious climber replied:
-Succeed, succeed.

And continued to climb.

Only 100 m to the peak of the mountain, a gorgeous looking brunette stops him and asks:

-Do you want me ...

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