UPJOKE
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My first time having sex was like the olympic 100 meter sprint.

Not because it was over in 10 seconds, but because it included 8 black men and a gun.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon
AI Image Generator

I use a voltmeter to check if the circuit is live before I start fixing it. However, today, my meter didn't work.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

What did they call the Soviet athlete Marina when she crossed the finish line and set the 400-meter hurdle world record?

Marina Stepanova

There was a race to determine which was faster: Congress passing s bill, or a snail traveling 10 meters

The snail won by two weeks.

An Asteroid Measuring 1,600 Meters Is Headed Straight Towards Earth.

That's quite the milestone!

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...

On a hot day, a 'good ol' boy stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint.

One Beer Led To Another, And Soon A Cop Came In And Said, "Is That Your Dog Outside?" "Sure Is," Said The Redneck. "Well, I Want You To Know She's In Heat," Said The Cop.. "No she ain't. I tied her in the shade." "No, no! I mean she needs to be bred." "That's stupid. How can a dog be a loaf of bread...

What’s less than 150 meters and manmade, but can still be seen from space?

The international space station.

What is 5 feet tall, has 22 legs and feigns death if you approach it up to two meters?

The Italy national football team.

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers

Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

Two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One dog says to the other...

How do you like that? Pay toilets.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

What happened to the frog who didn’t pay the parking meter?

He got toad.

Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ...

what a kind jester!

100 meter race ho

Referee - '1,2,3 GO!'...

Everybody started running except Dummy.

Referee - Y r u not running...?

Dummy- My number is 4.

Most blocks in Minecraft are one square meter. Where in Minecraft can you find a block that has only two square feet?

Whichever one the player’s standing on.

Your momma's so fat that when she runs a hundred meter sprint, they don't measure it in seconds

they measure it on the Richter scale

I asked my boss what he wanted me to do with six meters of bubble wrap. He said just pop it in the corner.

It took me four bloody hours!

A 100 meter race

Announcer : 1 2 3 start.

Everyone except one guy started running.

Announcer : Why aren't you running ?

The guy : Because my number is four.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...

She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

Thanks to Corona a distance of 1.5 meters needs to be respected in my country

BMW drivers are proud, been using this technique for years.

I quit the 100 meter-sprint yesterday

I think I'll be better off in the long run.

What do you call several blonde hair blue-eyed men doing the 100 meter dash?

The superior race

A Spanish greengrocer is 1.74 meters tall, has a waist circumference of 105 centimeters, and wears a size of 44. What does he weigh?

Vegetables

My brother keeps saying that my friend Rick is 2 meters tall, but I KNOW he's closer to 6 feet.

He doesn't think I've metric.

Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters?

Because then it would be .3048 Meters.

Some jokes just don't translate well.

If the US would switch from inches to meters

We'd have a lengthy discussion

The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

“I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”

Why don't the guys from Led Zeppelin use parking meters?

Because they have No Quarter.

A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.

As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says ...

Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

A restaurant owner says that he employs a 2-meter tall musician.

The musician was 160 cms tall, just another man exaggerating the size of his pianist.

What's 20 meters long and smells like urine?

A polonaise in a nursing home.

What's a dinosaur's favourite poetic meter?

Ptero-Dactyls

What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes?

Soviet bread line.

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So Putin, Biden and Zelensky Goes to A Boat Trip...

They got stuck in the middle of the ocean, not a single land on sight. After a few hours, they decide to swim back, but they were afraid of hypothermia.

Putin puts his finger into water and says "The water is approximately 32°C".

Biden puts his finger into water and arrogantly says "No...

What family member cannot stand 9.8 meters per second?

‘Auntie’ Gravity.

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years...

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English sc...

One day, Einstein, Newton and Pascal decided to play Hide & Seek...

Einstein volunteered to be "it".

As Einstein closed his eyes and counted to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the ground around him.

When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said "I ...

Met a hot girl in the bar

She said if I give her 500 bucks she'll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

What's the worst thing about running 100 meters in less than 10 seconds?

Being black.

Hey let me tell you an IT joke: how many meters is there in a kilometer?

1024

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

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A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass...

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man
"Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you...

I have a foot fetish...

I have tried using meters but it just doesn't work for me.

I came up with this in math class

This guy goes to interview for a job. He’s really nervous about it, because this job is a super big opportunity for him. He goes in, and the interviewer introduces herself, saying “Hi, my name is Karen”. They immediately start talking about the job, and the guy is answering all of Karen’s questions ...

A council worker is digging holes, while another worker immediately fills them in.

A man is watching two council workers busy in a local park. One digs a hole, moves a couple of meters and digs another hole, and so on. The other worker follows the first, immediately filling in all the holes the first worker has dug.

The man watching is furious, and approaches them saying,...

A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

Old Finnish WW2 joke

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.

British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.

"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.

"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.

Eh...

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly comi...

Three drunks enter a taxi

the driver immediately notices that they were drunk, and decided to make a quick buck out of them.

When they entered the car, he drove 100 meters, made a turn and told them that they arrived at their destination.
The first one thanks the driver and leaves. The second thanks him, give hi...

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away.

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Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

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A traditional piece of 20th century Jewish humour from Odesa, Ukraine

Early in the morning at the Pryvoz market, Benya meets Izya with a suitcase and three rubles in his hand. Benya asks, "Izya, where are you headed?"
Izya replies, "Ah, Benya, I'm going to the port. Finally decided to go to America, gonna buy some cable!"
"Well, good luck!" Benya responds, while...

A Scientific Joke !!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

Newton draws ...

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

Is it bad to hate a certain race?

Because I despise the 100 meter

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There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Jap...

I went to the doctor

Today I went to the doctor and asked: Hey, doc, at my weight, what's the optimal height.

He said: 4 meters.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...

The three see a buck a little distance away.

The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.

The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding...

It’s not what it looks like…

At the final days of WW2 French troops are facing a German trench in 50 meters distance and can only see a single remaining German soldier hanging around there and smoking a cigarette. So with a megaphone they demand that he surrenders. In return they hear the guy shouting “One German soldier is sti...

A tourist from France visits the US

He goes to his hotel's restaurant and orders a salad and a hot dog

The waiter first comes back with an enormous bowl. With a smile on his face, he tells the tourist "In America, everything is giant!"

The tourist manages to finish the salad. The waiter comes back again with the hot dog....

If you measure tomatoness with tomatomometer, and you measure carrotness with a carrotometer, what do you measure peaness with?

A ruler.

Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny

Whose limericks were not worth a penny.

Oh, the rhyme was all right,

And the meter was tight,

But whenever she tried to write any,

She always wrote one line too many.

Two gas company servicemen

a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter....

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