UPJOKE
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An Asteroid Measuring 1,600 Meters Is Headed Straight Towards Earth.

That's quite the milestone!

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?

A Pi-thon

There was a race to determine which was faster: Congress passing s bill, or a snail traveling 10 meters

The snail won by two weeks.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

On a hot day, a 'good ol' boy stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint.

One Beer Led To Another, And Soon A Cop Came In And Said, "Is That Your Dog Outside?" "Sure Is," Said The Redneck. "Well, I Want You To Know She's In Heat," Said The Cop.. "No she ain't. I tied her in the shade." "No, no! I mean she needs to be bred." "That's stupid. How can a dog be a loaf of bread...

I have a foot fetish...

I have tried using meters but it just doesn't work for me.

My son asked if there is anything he shouldn’t buy at a yard sale.

I said Meters.

A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...

are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfecti...

What is 5 feet tall, has 22 legs and feigns death if you approach it up to two meters?

The Italy national football team.

Old Finnish WW2 joke

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.

British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.

"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.

"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.

Eh...

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So Putin, Biden and Zelensky Goes to A Boat Trip...

They got stuck in the middle of the ocean, not a single land on sight. After a few hours, they decide to swim back, but they were afraid of hypothermia.

Putin puts his finger into water and says "The water is approximately 32°C".

Biden puts his finger into water and arrogantly says "No...

Two gas company servicemen

a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter....

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Two statues

There are two statues in the park, 9 feet (3 meters) apart. A handsome young man and a beautiful young woman, staring into each other’s eyes in love, but helpless to move to fulfill their shared desire.

One day a benevolent wizard is walking through the park and sees them. Filled with pit...

An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers

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My first time having sex was like the olympic 100 meter sprint.

Not because it was over in 10 seconds, but because it included 8 black men and a gun.

Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ...

what a kind jester!

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Two boys walk into a crowded store...

They wait patiently for their turn until the shopkeeper asks them loudly,

"How can I help the young gentlemen?"

"A box of rat poison, please."

"Many rats, right?"

"Yes."

"Are they big?"

"Mostly."

"How big are they?"

"Like this."

"Then yo...

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are chilling one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests:
“Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!”

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting.

“One… Two… Three…”

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter sq...

What happened to the frog who didn’t pay the parking meter?

He got toad.

100 meter race ho

Referee - '1,2,3 GO!'...

Everybody started running except Dummy.

Referee - Y r u not running...?

Dummy- My number is 4.

A Chinese man came to India

He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way by seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese guy told the driver that the trains...

Doberman

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter? "A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, lo...

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in an art competition they asked the competitors to draw a picture representing famine around the world

the 3rd place award went to a picture of a child next to a piece of bread but can't reach it for he is too weak to even move, symbolising their suffering and their weakness.

2nd place went to a picture of a child so thin and so weak lying on the ground and a crow a couple of meters away waiti...

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

Your momma's so fat that when she runs a hundred meter sprint, they don't measure it in seconds

they measure it on the Richter scale

I asked my boss what he wanted me to do with six meters of bubble wrap. He said just pop it in the corner.

It took me four bloody hours!

A 100 meter race

Announcer : 1 2 3 start.

Everyone except one guy started running.

Announcer : Why aren't you running ?

The guy : Because my number is four.

Most blocks in Minecraft are one square meter. Where in Minecraft can you find a block that has only two square feet?

Whichever one the player’s standing on.

A European is visiting USA

and an American says "hey, your foot... "

European cuts him midway "oh you Americans and your lack of knowledge of the units whole world uses. It's not foot, it's meter"

American says "your meter is bleeding"

My friend was mad that I had to ask him for a quarter for the hundredth time to pay the parking meter. He asked why I never have any on me.

I told him I’ve never carried any coins before and I don’t ever plan to start. I don’t like change.

Thanks to Corona a distance of 1.5 meters needs to be respected in my country

BMW drivers are proud, been using this technique for years.

I quit the 100 meter-sprint yesterday

I think I'll be better off in the long run.

Scientists Play Hide-and-Seek

All the great scientists throughout history are brought together for a game of hide and seek. They draw straws and Einstein is "it" first. He starts counting back from 100 as all the other great minds run hither and thither looking to hide. Newton runs over to the bushes but Heisenberg is already ...

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doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

A statistics major drops out of college and joins the army

During marksmanship training his first shot flys a meter above the target, his spotter tells him “miss. one meter high, aim lower”

His second shot lands really low below the target. His spotter says to him “Miss. One meter low”

“Oh so I hit it?” Says the statistician.

A Spanish greengrocer is 1.74 meters tall, has a waist circumference of 105 centimeters, and wears a size of 44. What does he weigh?

Vegetables

My brother keeps saying that my friend Rick is 2 meters tall, but I KNOW he's closer to 6 feet.

He doesn't think I've metric.

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll. All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.

A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched in hot nacho cheese.

He looks to the sky with a raised fist and shouts, "Curse you Buffet the Vampire Slayer!".

What do you call several blonde hair blue-eyed men doing the 100 meter dash?

The superior race

A drunk man drops his keys

After a night of heavy drinking, at around 2 a.m. a man staggers to get home. He hears his keys fall out of his pockets. Annoyed by this he swears and starts looking for them.

Some time later a cop car patrolling the area stops by him and a policeman gets out of the car and asks him:

...

Why don't the guys from Led Zeppelin use parking meters?

Because they have No Quarter.

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The Kind Manager

A wealthy manager was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.


Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man...

If the US would switch from inches to meters

We'd have a lengthy discussion

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

“I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”

A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.

As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says ...

Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters?

Because then it would be .3048 Meter!



Some jokes just don't translate well.

Two dogs were walking by a parking meter

The first dog said,

"Would you look at that, a pay toilet."

A restaurant owner says that he employs a 2-meter tall musician.

The musician was 160 cms tall, just another man exaggerating the size of his pianist.

Even though we're progressing, we really need to get rid of certain races.

Such as the 800 meter dash.

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A man did an experiment on how long can you dive before opening your parachute

When he was 5 meters of the ground he said "fuck it, i can easily survive a couple meter fall"

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

Push a man from 5 meters tall and he goes Bam! Arrrghhhhh..

Push a man from 50 meters tall and he goes aaarrrRGGGHHHHHH BAM!

The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin

Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ?
German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.

(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)

What's a dinosaur's favourite poetic meter?

Ptero-Dactyls

What's 20 meters long and smells like urine?

A polonaise in a nursing home.

What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes?

Soviet bread line.

I was driving down the highway after a long day's work.

Traffic was light, not much of a problem.
I was listening to the radio and thinking about my evening.
It's not that I was distracted, I just never expected it to happen
Sure enough, on the road was some leftover glass from an accident that morning.
And I drove right over it. ...

An engineer, a physicist and a statiscian go hunting in the woods.

They spot a deer and take turns shooting at it. First goes the physicist. He look at the angle, calculates the speed of the bullet and shoots but his shot goes 50 meters to the right. The engineer says he didn't count for the wind and he also makes his measurement and shots but his shot goes 50 mete...

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I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out….

there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

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Captain's cabin broadcast:

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome you again on board. Currently, we are flying over the Atlantic ocean, our height is 10000 meters and our speed is 900kph. Air temperature... shit! Fuck! Oh my god! No!

Captains go silent. Passengers are white as chalk, panic, scream...

A mi...

Two nuns

Late in the night, two nuns were walking in a empty street. Suddenly they realised that a man was following them , they were scared ofcourse, they decided to go separate in two different ways and meet again at the church. They did so. The man choosed one and kept on following
15 mins later th...

What family member cannot stand 9.8 meters per second?

‘Auntie’ Gravity.

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years...

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English sc...

What's the worst thing about running 100 meters in less than 10 seconds?

Being black.

A man is jumping over some railroad tracks.

He's jumping from side to side over top of them, muttering under his breath each time he lands, "Twenty-one."

"Twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one."

Another man walks up next to him. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"I'm jumping over the railroad tracks. Want to join me?"

"Sure!...

Hey let me tell you an IT joke: how many meters is there in a kilometer?

1024

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A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

What do non-Americans call someone with a foot fetish?

A meter maniac..

Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny

Whose limericks were not worth a penny.

Oh, the rhyme was all right,

And the meter was tight,

But whenever she tried to write any,

She always wrote one line too many.

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Buffalo Bill walks into a bar.

He tells the barman to put an empty beer glass on the counter top. Then he steps back, unzips his pants, takes out his cock and from 10 feet away, fills the glass with his pee. As everyone claps, he claims :
\- I'm Bill ! Buffalo Bill !

Then a guy stands up at some table, asks the barman...

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What's the difference between a chronic masturbator and a metronome?

One is a beat meter and the other is a meat beater.

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I have found you!" But Newton replies...

Grocery Shopping

Fred and Brenda go to the local supermarket and as they're looking around Fred sees a massive pile of lager cans with the sign '12 for a tenner' on it. He rushes over and adds a twelve pack to their trolley.

'oh no you don't. We can't afford that. Put em back' says Brenda

'But it's 12 ...

Which race tends to be the shortest?

The 100-meter dash

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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for an empty glass

The bartender gives him the glass. Then he says to the bartender "I bet 100$ I can piss into this glass from a meter away without a single drop on the floor". The bartender agrees, puts the glass on a table and stands next to it. The guy takes three steps back, pulls his pants down and starts peeing...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

A small town near Russia and Poland

There was a small town located along the frontier between Russia and Poland; no one was ever quite sure to which it belonged. One day an official treaty was signed and not long after, surveyors arrived to draw a border. Some villagers approached them where they had set up their equipment on a nearby...

2 men go hunting, one of which for his first time

They’re walking 10 meters apart or so, when they new hunter hears a sound and quickly turns & excitedly fires his rifle, just barely missing his friend.

“Good God man, be careful!” the friend yells.

“Oh man, I’m sorry!”

But no more than a few minutes later he does it again...

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

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