UPJOKE

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### My first time having sex was like the olympic 100 meter sprint.

Not because it was over in 10 seconds, but because it included 8 black men and a gun.

A Ďthon

### The priest angrily asks the altar boy standing two meters away,

"Are you secretly drinking the holy wine?"

The altar boy remains silent. The priest's anger grows.
"I'm asking you! Can't you hear me?"

"No, I can't hear anything from here, Father."

"What do you mean? You're just two steps away and you can't hear me?"

The altar...

### Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

### Why are lawyers buried ten metres down instead of only two meters?

To give them a head start.

### Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...

### Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

### Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. Heâs sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says âNewton, youâre terrible, Iâve f...

### A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are out hunting.

Suddenly, a deer appears 50 meters away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts the rifle, and the bullet lands 5 meters short.

The engineer adds fudge factor for air resistance, and lifts the rifle a bit higher, and the bullet lands 5 meters lon...

### I met a girl at a club the other night who said sheâd show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...

She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

### 100 meter race ho

Referee - '1,2,3 GO!'...

Everybody started running except Dummy.

Referee - Y r u not running...?

Dummy- My number is 4.

### An Asteroid Measuring 1,600 Meters Is Headed Straight Towards Earth.

That's quite the milestone!

### A 100 meter race

Announcer : 1 2 3 start.

Everyone except one guy started running.

Announcer : Why aren't you running ?

The guy : Because my number is four.

### One day, Einstein, Newton and Pascal decided to play Hide & Seek...

Einstein volunteered to be "it".

As Einstein closed his eyes and counted to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the ground around him.

When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said "I ...

### I use a voltmeter to check if the circuit is live before I start fixing it. However, today, my meter didn't work.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

### Two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One dog says to the other...

How do you like that? Pay toilets.

### Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

### Whatâs less than 150 meters and manmade, but can still be seen from space?

The international space station.

### Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ...

what a kind jester!

### Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

### Biology Professor: The small intestine of human is only 6 meters long, yet contains villi that is folding up so much, when unfolded, it's about 40 square meters.

Professor (continued): If you walk on that, it'd take you 7x of time than you expected.

Student: I experienced that in Ikea.

### There was a race to determine which was faster: Congress passing s bill, or a snail traveling 10 meters

The snail won by two weeks.

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### A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100\$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of \$100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay \$100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

### If the US would switch from inches to meters

We'd have a lengthy discussion

### Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters?

Because then it would be .3048 Meters.

Some jokes just don't translate well.

### I quit the 100 meter-sprint yesterday

I think I'll be better off in the long run.

### What is 5 feet tall, has 22 legs and feigns death if you approach it up to two meters?

The Italy national football team.

Ptero-Dactyls

### Met a hot girl in the bar

She said if I give her 500 bucks she'll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

### Why don't the guys from Led Zeppelin use parking meters?

Because they have No Quarter.

### What's 20 meters long and smells like urine?

A polonaise in a nursing home.

### What do you call several blonde hair blue-eyed men doing the 100 meter dash?

The superior race

### Thanks to Corona a distance of 1.5 meters needs to be respected in my country

BMW drivers are proud, been using this technique for years.

### Your momma's so fat that when she runs a hundred meter sprint, they don't measure it in seconds

they measure it on the Richter scale

### On a hot day, a 'good ol' boy stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint.

One Beer Led To Another, And Soon A Cop Came In And Said, "Is That Your Dog Outside?" "Sure Is," Said The Redneck. "Well, I Want You To Know She's In Heat," Said The Cop.. "No she ain't. I tied her in the shade." "No, no! I mean she needs to be bred." "That's stupid. How can a dog be a loaf of bread...

### A restaurant owner says that he employs a 2-meter tall musician.

The musician was 160 cms tall, just another man exaggerating the size of his pianist.

### What family member cannot stand 9.8 meters per second?

âAuntieâ Gravity.

### An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers

### Most blocks in Minecraft are one square meter. Where in Minecraft can you find a block that has only two square feet?

Whichever one the playerâs standing on.

### If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

Kilometery Cyrus

### A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.

As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says ...

### I asked my boss what he wanted me to do with six meters of bubble wrap. He said just pop it in the corner.

It took me four bloody hours!

### Old Finnish WW2 joke

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.

British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.

"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.

"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.

Eh...

### My brother keeps saying that my friend Rick is 2 meters tall, but I KNOW he's closer to 6 feet.

He doesn't think I've metric.

### A European is visiting USA

and an American says "hey, your foot... "

European cuts him midway "oh you Americans and your lack of knowledge of the units whole world uses. It's not foot, it's meter"

American says "your meter is bleeding"

### During the winter war, the Soviets where attacking a Finnish position

At first the Soviet command sends five soldiers in, and they all get killed by The enemy.

A Finnish soldier then yelled to the Soviets âIs that all youâve got? Iâm only one here.â

Then the Soviet command sends in 15 soldiers, who all, again, is killed by the enemy.

The Finnish s...

### Is it bad to hate a certain race?

Because I despise the 100 meter

### I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

### Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away.

### Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

Being black.

### Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide and seek.

Einstein starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs to a nearby bush and hides.
Newton stands right behind Einstein, takes out a chalk, and draws a perfect one meter by one meter square on the ground around himself.

As Einstein reaches 10, he says,
"Ready or not, I'm coming to you! Or...

### A council worker is digging holes, while another worker immediately fills them in.

A man is watching two council workers busy in a local park. One digs a hole, moves a couple of meters and digs another hole, and so on. The other worker follows the first, immediately filling in all the holes the first worker has dug.

The man watching is furious, and approaches them saying,...

### A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...

The three see a buck a little distance away.

The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.

The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding...

### A Spanish greengrocer is 1.74 meters tall, has a waist circumference of 105 centimeters, and wears a size of 44. What does he weigh?

Vegetables

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### A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass...

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you...

### The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

âI donât believe it!â he cries out. âIâve lost 100 pounds!â

### A Chinese man came to India

He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way by seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese guy told the driver that the trains...

### Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

1024

### Three drunks enter a taxi

the driver immediately notices that they were drunk, and decided to make a quick buck out of them.

When they entered the car, he drove 100 meters, made a turn and told them that they arrived at their destination.
The first one thanks the driver and leaves. The second thanks him, give hi...

### You're It!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. Itâs Einsteinâs turn to be it, so he closes his eyes and starts counting, âEins, zwei, dreiâŚâ Pascal runs off and hides under a big bush. Newton runs over to a nearby driveway, takes out some chalk, and draws a box around him that is one meter ...

### Scientists studying frogs

Two scientists are studying how far frogs can jump. Their first step was to teach a frog to jump on command. This completed, they yelled jump, and the frog jumped 8 meters. Considering what effect each leg had, they then amputated one leg and yelled jump again. The frog jumped 6 meters. After notin...

### Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter squar...

### A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

### Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as th...

### A statistics major drops out of college and joins the army

During marksmanship training his first shot flys a meter above the target, his spotter tells him âmiss. one meter high, aim lowerâ

His second shot lands really low below the target. His spotter says to him âMiss. One meter lowâ

âOh so I hit it?â Says the statistician.

### I went to the doctor

Today I went to the doctor and asked: Hey, doc, at my weight, what's the optimal height.

He said: 4 meters.

### A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...

are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfecti...

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### A Iranian, a Israeli, and a Nazi are walking through the desert...

....when they happen upon a magic lamp! Excited, they rub the lamp and a Genie appears. "Thank you for releasing me! In exchange, I will grant you each one wish".

The Iranian thinks for a minute, and says: "My people get pushed around by the rest of the world, but we would be fine if we ha...

### The Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of t...

### After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years...

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English sc...

### I'm fast, but unfit...

my record for 100 meters is about 13 seconds and my record for 400 meters is about 250 meters.

100 meter Daesh

### If somebody is looking to hook up with a girl over 6 foot tall

They really want 2 meter

### The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin

Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ?
German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.

(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)

### Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny

Whose limericks were not worth a penny.

Oh, the rhyme was all right,

And the meter was tight,

But whenever she tried to write any,

She always wrote one line too many.

### Bruce the Aussie

Bruce the Aussie bloke walks into a dusty old bar deep in the outback. To everyone's surprise he has a five meter salty -- a crocodile -- on a leash.

"Roit!" he exclaims. "I'll bet everyone here that I can have my mate here" -- gesturing to the crocodile -- "clamp down on my donger for a fu...

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### So Putin, Biden and Zelensky Goes to A Boat Trip...

They got stuck in the middle of the ocean, not a single land on sight. After a few hours, they decide to swim back, but they were afraid of hypothermia.

Putin puts his finger into water and says "The water is approximately 32Â°C".

Biden puts his finger into water and arrogantly says "No...

### My son asked if there is anything he shouldnât buy at a yard sale.

I said Meters.

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### I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

### The genius

A man is walking along a trail, he met a guy carrying a lock the size of an oven in his arms, the man then asked him:

"- That's a strange lock, where did you get it?

\- If youcontinue to walk on this trail, in a few hundred meters you'll saw the lamp on the side, rub it and a genie wil...

### I came up with this in math class

This guy goes to interview for a job. Heâs really nervous about it, because this job is a super big opportunity for him. He goes in, and the interviewer introduces herself, saying âHi, my name is Karenâ. They immediately start talking about the job, and the guy is answering all of Karenâs questions ...

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### A man did an experiment on how long can you dive before opening your parachute

When he was 5 meters of the ground he said "fuck it, i can easily survive a couple meter fall"

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### A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.

Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

### I have a foot fetish...

I have tried using meters but it just doesn't work for me.

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### A traditional piece of 20th century Jewish humour from Odesa, Ukraine

Early in the morning at the Pryvoz market, Benya meets Izya with a suitcase and three rubles in his hand. Benya asks, "Izya, where are you headed?"
Izya replies, "Ah, Benya, I'm going to the port. Finally decided to go to America, gonna buy some cable!"
"Well, good luck!" Benya responds, while...

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### There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, âHonda, very fast! Made in Japan!â

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Jap...