Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

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My first time having sex was like the olympic 100 meter sprint.

Not because it was over in 10 seconds, but because it included 8 black men and a gun.

My friend was mad that I had to ask him for a quarter for the hundredth time to pay the parking meter. He asked why I never have any on me.

I told him I’ve never carried any coins before and I don’t ever plan to start. I don’t like change.

What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake?

A πthon

A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.

As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says ...

Why don't the guys from Led Zeppelin use parking meters?

Because they have No Quarter.

If the US would switch from inches to meters

We'd have a lengthy discussion

Two dogs were walking by a parking meter

The first dog said,

"Would you look at that, a pay toilet."

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I’ve just seen a robot ejaculate 100 meters

Technology has come so far

A Scientific Joke !!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

Newton draws ...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

What 20 meters long and bald?

The conga line at the cancer department.

Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

A restaurant owner says that he employs a 2-meter tall musician.

The musician was 160 cms tall, just another man exaggerating the size of his pianist.

My dad used to let me put my pocket money in a locked box under the stairs.

I was 15 before I realised it was the electric meter!

What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes?

Soviet bread line.

The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

“I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”

What do you call several blonde hair blue-eyed men doing the 100 meter dash?

The superior race

What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?

Big Meter.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years...

After having dug to a depth of 100 meters in a mine, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English sc...

Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau run a 100-meter race...

Trudeau easily overtakes Trump and wins.

Minutes later, the White House tweets a press note:

"President Trump won prestigious silver in US-Canada race. The Canadian showed up second-to-last."

Which Goddess is 3.37 feet tall?

Demeter

What's a dinosaur's favourite poetic meter?

Ptero-Dactyls

Three statisticians are hunting, and come across a large buck.

One shoots, but is distracted, and the bullet goes 5 meters to the left. The second one also shoots, but is distracted as well, and the bullet goes 5 meters to the right. The third one excitedly shouts “We got it!”

What family member cannot stand 9.8 meters per second?

‘Auntie’ Gravity.

What's the worst thing about running 100 meters in less than 10 seconds?

Being black.

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and go seek

Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting, while Pascal dashes off to hide. Newton stays where he is and draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square in the dirt and steps into it. Once Einstein finishes counting, he notices Newton and says "AHA, I've found you Newton!" To which Isaac Newton replies "you di...

One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek...

Einstein volunteered to be “It.” As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said “I found you Newton,...

Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek...

...Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly 1 meter, then sits down inside the square.

When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on th...

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of a weighed down rapidly descending aircraft.

They all realize one must let go to save the rest of them.

The plane is about 1000 meters away from crashing, when the brunette starts to say that she will heroicly let go of the wing of the plane to save the 9 others.

She gets a few a tears and cries of “Nooo” but as she finishes, a...

Hey let me tell you an IT joke: how many meters is there in a kilometer?

1024

A man met a beautiful woman at a bar

They were hitting it off and enjoying each other's company. Then, the woman asked if he wanted her to show him a good time. The man instantly said yes.

After they left the bar, the woman instantly sprinted 100 meters under 9 seconds.

The woman said : "How was that, was it a good time?...

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An old couple had been married for many years. They loved each other very much, but there was one thing which had been annoying the woman through all the the years:

Every morning when they woke up, her husband would let out the nastiest wet and loud farts.

Over the years she had asked with him to stop, or at least wait till he got to the toilet, but no matter how much she pleaded with him, he still refused to change his ways.

Finally she decided t...

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek...

Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek in the woods and it was Einstein's turn to count, so he covered his eyes and began counting. Pascal decided to run and climb up a tree. Newton, however, stood in front of Einstein. He took a stick and drew a square with a side length of one meter...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

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Three scientists want to know how long can an organism live without shitting

They try to test it with a pig, so they put a plug in his butthole and start feeding him for days.

The first two weeks the pig is ok, but the third week the scientists see that the pig has become very very fat, so they decide to remove the plug from his ass.

The problem is they don't k...

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Gambling jokes

**Husband**: How do you lose $150 in the slot machines!

**Wife**: You lost $15000 at the tables!

**Husband**: Yeah but I know how to gamble.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_



**Bettor**: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 ou...

The Aussie and Texan

A Texan had flown to Australia to see his cousins farm. As the Texan arrives he remarks,

"Wow you call the little thing a truck, Over in Texas our trucks are three times as big" the Aussie farmer, standing next to ute shrugs and starts to show the Texan around.

As they a reach paddock ...

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A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.

Sato was amaz...

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A guy climbs Everest...

At the middle a very sexy blonde stops him and asks:

-Do you want me or to succeed?

The ambitious climber replied:
-Succeed, succeed.

And continued to climb.

Only 100 m to the peak of the mountain, a gorgeous looking brunette stops him and asks:

-Do you want me ...

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

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A man in a bar walks up to the bartender...

...and says, pointing to an empty glass at the other end of the bar, "you see that glass over there? I bet you $500 that I stand right here and piss in that glass without spilling a single drop".

The bartender looks at the glass, which is about 5 meters away, turns to the guy and says "you ha...

Only America’s dogs have 4 feet.

Dogs all over the rest of the world have 1.22 meters.

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

A mathematician, physicist, and statistician go hunting

They find a deer and take aim.

The mathematician shoots and misses 5 meters to the left.

The physicist shoots and misses 5 meters to the right.

The statistician jumps up and down and shouts, "We got it! We got it!"

Russian archeologists made a big discovery

As they dug a 100 meter deep hole, they found old copper wires. They made a big, worldwide announcement that the Russians were an advanced species. Even 1000 years ago they already had a copper network.

The Americans couldn't cope with the Russians being advanced longer than the Americans, so...

so, I was out walking my usual night walk.

a woman was walking, a few meters in front of me, she was about 5 years younger than me. She had a purse that looked kinda expensive and a fur coat.

suddenly she started to walk faster, I got startled why did she begin to walk faster? I was too scared to look behind me so I just started walki...

A man answers a Craigslist ad for a Porsche for sale.

He goes to check it out, it's a nice late model sport coupe being sold by a middle-aged lady. The engine purrs, the car is clean as a whistle, and drives like a dream. But when he asks the price, the lady tells him $100. This sets off his BS meter, so he starts trying to figure out what's wrong. ...

A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the ...

What do they use to track Olympic swimmers’ speed?

A speedo meter.

The Gryffindor trio went for a roadtrip.

Halfway there, Harry realised him being the driver forgot to check the meter.

"What were you thinking?", Ron & Hermione exclaimed.

*"Expecto Petroleum?"*

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A Japanese guy takes a taxi to the airport In the US.

During the journey, a Honda zooms past the taxi. The man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda’s are very fast because they’re made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota’s are very fast because they...

Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as th...

The cab

A Jewish guy in New York City is in a cab. The cab is going down the street when the cabbie sees a guy on the sidewalk mugging a woman. The guy is hitting her and trying to grab her purse. The cabbie zooms to the side of the road and jumps out to go help the woman.

The Jewish guy rolls down t...

School project: how far can a frog leap

For a science project a student wanted to see how far a frog can leap when you yell at it.

He puts a frog in front of him and yells. The frog leaps 2 meters. He writes this down in his booklet: Frog leaps 2 meters.

He cuts off one of the legs of the frog, puts him in front of him and y...

You're It!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to be it, so he closes his eyes and starts counting, “Eins, zwei, drei…” Pascal runs off and hides under a big bush. Newton runs over to a nearby driveway, takes out some chalk, and draws a box around him that is one meter ...

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Getting to know each other

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nic...

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A Filipino taxi driver fetched a Japanese tourist visiting the Philippines at the airport.

As the taxi they rode in motored along the highway, a Suzuki cargo truck sped way past them.

JAPANESE TOURIST: (Proudly beaming) Ah! A Suzuki truck made in my country Japan...**very fast!**
FILIPINO TAXI DRIVER: (Thinking to himself, feeling slightly annoyed) Damn, so it is true the Japa...

I have a friend who's really into measurements.

You guys really should meter.

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I didn't make this 4 years ago. This might not be the worst joke. I'm posting again for the ones who read the original by the original poster...this is my version to pay homage

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known porn star, and the other is a lazy ass. Lazy ass doesn't have a job and just likes to sit around the house. One Sunday, the porn star is angry and thirsty. He decides to make the brother do something useful....

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An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

Newton ,einstein and pascal were playind hide and seek

It was Einstein's turn to seek, he starting counting 1,2,3 Pascal scurried away while Newton brought out a chalk and a drew a square and a boomerang and stood inside the square.

99, 100... Einstein turned around and said "I found you Newton"

Newton : "no, I'm a Newton over a meter squa...

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States...

Wandering aimlessly and starving, They are about to lie down and accept their death when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,...

My girlfriend is happy the metric system was invented

Otherwise I’d have never meter.

Although, if I ever felt it wasn’t working out, I’d break up with her immediately. I would never liter on.

Units.

A science teacher is quizzing the class on various units and measurements.

What is the unit of volume?

Liters.


What is the unit of mass?

Kilograms.


What is the unit of distance?

Meters.


What is the unit of power?

Yes.

(I know...

How about a mean joke?

There are three scientists who go on a hunting trip. One of them is a physicist, another one is a chemist and the last one is a statistician.

They wander for some time until they meet a deer.

The physicist takes the first shot, but misses the animal by 3 meters to the left; the chemist...

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A king who was a fan of archery held a grand archery contest for the citizens of his kingdom, with a prize of 1000 gold pieces

After a month of competition, the victor emerged, an archer so well trained that he could hit a fly from 50 m away.

A king approached the winner and said: "You are indeed the greatest archer I have witnessed in my life and that is truly admirable. It was decided that the prize for this conte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear TAG heuer ..

I’m pretty sure that if I end up 500 meters under water, I won’t need a fuckin’ watch anymore.

A trip with the dad

So me and my dad were driving home the other day, it was about 12pm so it was quite dark. We were driving through the woods when we went over a bump, and when we did I heard a crunch. I told my dad to stop the car so we can see what happened. I got out and saw that there was a dead rabbit next to t...

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