This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Black Man, a Mexican, and a White Man Got Lost Canoeing.

They reached an island ruled by terrorists. The terrorists wanted to kill the entire crew. However, after seeing the white man, the terrorists had a proposal. If the combined length of the mens' penises measured 1 foot, then the men would be set free. The Black man's dick measured 6 inches. The Whit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

Finally found the perfect length of time to smoke weed

For twenty minutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two interesting facts about me:

1: My Penis is the exact length of two IKEA pencils.

2: I've got a lifetime ban from IKEA!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

What do you call a snake that grows to 3.14m in length?

A π-thon. (A pi-thon)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

NSFW construction joke

A young construction laborer who was hired to be be a cut-man gets a little too comfortable with a worm-drive saw and one day he manages to castrate himself. After months of physical recovery, he sets out to try to find a new job. One day he meets with a foreman of a large construction site close ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An asian, a Black and a White guy were in prison.

The prison manager gave them a chance to get out, as it was the presidents birthday.

Prison manager: if all the combined length of your penises comes to 10 inches, you will get out.

The black man had 5 inches.
The white man had 4 inches.
The asian man had 1 inch.

As they w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homeless man goes into a pharmacy and asks the young woman behind the counter

"Do you have any male pharmacist here ?"

Woman " Well, me and my twin sister own this place and take turns. I'm a professional so you can tell your problem " .

Man " well it's so embarassing. My cock is always erect no matter how many times I come out . I literally have to tape it to ...

Three men are outside of Heavens gate waiting to get in.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paulie Walnut's Pope joke from Sopranos S5E1: cut to punchline only due to length

The Pope is sick and none of the Vatican doctors can figure it out. They summon an old wise man from the hills. He examines the Pope and says he's got a terminal case of blue balls. The only cure is for him to have sex, and the Cardinals go nuts. Finally, the Pope agrees but gives four condition...

Which is more important to women, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A genie offered to increase my penis length by 1 inch for every 10 IQ I traded...

Hehdixka a. Sueuwkk aksjns sjebbe Magjxianq an

A lesson from my life as a monk

I learned a lot during my years at the monastery. One thing I still remember is that our vow of poverty meant that we were expected to go to great lengths to look after our one robe, including mending and from time to time dying them to their regulation dark hue.

One thing that surprised me ...

Hot dogs

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign for the special of the day: hot dogs -- regular, bun length, foot-long and colossal. "Give me two hot dogs," the guy tells the bartender. "How long do you want 'em?" the bartender asks. "Oh," the guy replies, "I thought I'd get to keep them."

A horse, a chicken and a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the ...

Does length matter? Short answer: no.

Long answer: yes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier gets his penis blown off in jungle combat and is sent to the closest field hospital

The doctor at the field hospital says sorry son your penis is completely blown off, there is nothing I can do.. well there is something but it would be completely experimental.
The next morning the soldier wakes up and slowly lifts the sheets only to see a baby elephant trunk had been sewn on whe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

Harvard Bridge

The Harvard Bridge in Boston that runs to MIT is measured in "smoots," after a 1958 fraternity prank where freshman Oliver Smoot was used as a device to measure the bridge.

There are various humorous side stories, such as:

1. when the bridge was rehabbed in the 1980s, the sidewalks wer...

A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ...

Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop. The mans answer? “You try pushing it”!

Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

Two angels were assigned to giving names to the lengths of time

After creating the names for the year, the month, the week and the hour, they still needed a name for the 24 hour period, but since they had done so much already, they decided to pack their things up and call it a day

A length of rope walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says “get out, we don’t serve ropes in here!”

The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.

He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An African, an American and an Asian guy get captured by tribals in a jungle.

The tribal chief tells them, “We will only let you go alive if the combined length of your penises adds up to 20 inches.”

The African steps up to the plate, whips out his genitalia and comes out at an impressive 14 inches.

The American goes next. He unzips his pants, sticks it out and...

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy with an extremely long dick went his doctor for a medical.

The doctor said, "That's possible the longest dick I've ever seen!"
The guy said, "My brother's is the same length."
The doctor asked, "is it genetics?"
And the guy say, "Not really, our mother only had one arm and had to get all us kids out of the bath the best way she could."

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Two girls, one cup is only the trailer for a full length movie

That shit goes on much longer

A fathom is a unit of length equivalent to 6 feet, so not respecting social distance would be rather...

...unfathomable.

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men who are insecure about the length of their dicks like coming to this sub?

r/jokes is very generous with what qualifies as 'long.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two race horses were sitting at a bar ...

Two race horses were sitting at a bar having a few beers when one turns the other and says, "Jerry, something really strange happened to me at the track the other day"

"What happened Bill?"

"Well, I was running a race and I was stuck in the middle of the pack trying to break away. I...

Be careful what you ask for

A guy walks into a bar, followed by 12 beautiful women. He slams a bag of gold down and says, " Bartender, drinks for everyone".

The bartender just finished setting up drinks for everyone at the bar when suddenly a 12 inch tall man jumped out from the rich guys jacket and runs down the len...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The three Billy Goats and their endowment

I heard this one in high school; I believe from an ostensible lab partner who mostly told lewd jokes instead of doing assignments:

You might remember the old fairy tale of the three Billy Goats who were confronted by a troll while crossing a bridge. Well it was a day just like that one, wher...

What is the definition of eternity?

It’s the length of time between when you come and when she leaves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Length Contest

There was this contest for longest lengths on the human body made by an eccentric billionaire who would pay 100 dollars per centimeter on any length measured on a person.

Tall Guy: Measure me from my head to toe!And it measured 186cm, he gets 18600 dollars

Second Guy thinks he is smart...

My wife told me length doesn’t matter, but I caught her cheating on me with some guy named Pythagorus.

I knew the moment our paths crossed my life would take a different trajectory.

Just wasn’t expecting it to end in a love triangle. I guess I didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a device that predicts someone’s penis length?

A Cockulator

I told my wife I was going to cut my hair after breaking the world record for hair length.

But it really grew on me.

My beard is at its optimal length.

If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

My ex girlfriend couldn't stop bragging about my length and girth.

But she was just pulling my leg.

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

A new Taken movie is being made.

In it, Liam Neeson feels like nobody appreciates the effort he went through to get his family back. So he pays people to kidnap him to make his family see the lengths he went through to save them.

It’s going to be called Taken 4 Granted.

Circumcision is a serious operation that should be discussed at length between parents and health care professionals.

I couldn’t walk for an entire year after I got mine

What two words will, when heard, get any Trump supporter to rant at length about Hillary Clinton?

"Donald" and "Trump".

A smoking room in a big tech corporation

A smoking room in a big tech corporation (because the equipment is so fragile and sensitive that smoking is not allowed nearby). A lot of smoke and talk - circuits, chips, boards, punch cards and so on.

Then a young technician suddenly says, "Why we're always talking about tech things only? W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what is 4 inches in length, 2 inches in diameter, and drives women fucking crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon.

It’s considered a sin.

[Medium Length]The Engineer and the Guillotine

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...

He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.




A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.





"Hello again Sir." the barber says. "What can I do for you?"


<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis is the same length as 2 Argos pens...

Also I'm not allowed in Argos anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I measure my penis in Planck lengths...

And I still can't get wood.

[Meta] Can we get length of joke flair similar to /r/TIFU

Is it possible to implement flair beside every joke that indicates the length of the jokes? /r/tifu has something to indicate this. Personally, I like reading longer jokes and I find myself skimming through and ignoring a lot of titles that begin with "What do you" "Who" "Why does a" etc. But even...

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

[META] Can we have S,M,L flairs on joke posts to indicate length?

Sort of similar to /r/tifu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5...

People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5.

People with a penis length above 5 inches tend to rate things on a scale of 1-10.

1-100 people will get this.

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man talks to a cockroach...

A man says to a cockroach: "My penis is 10 times your body length."

Cockroach replies: "And yet I can make your wife scream 10 times louder than you can..."

Fun Fact: A male chameleons tongue is 1-1.5 times their bodies length and can fire in & out really fast.

Another fun fact: female chameleons are very happy.

Three nuns are sitting on a bench talking about their vacations...

The first nun says, 'I just got back from Brazil, and they had the biggest bananas I've ever seen. They were this thick, and this long!', holding up her fingers to show the width and her hands to show the length.

The second nun says, 'Well I just got back from Florida, and they had the bigg...

Frank’s old dog Spot …

.. had a bit of a trouble sometimes winding his way through the furniture without bumping into something now and again. Growing concerned, Frank took him to the veternarian for an examination.


“What seems to be the problem?” asked the vet.


“Well,” said Frank, “I am concerne...

A scientist wanted to study the length of a frog’s jump, he began the study by telling the frog to jump, it jumped 10 feet. He then cut off the frog’s front legs and told it to jump, it jumped 5 feet. The scientist then cut off the frog’s back legs.

He told it to jump once more but it remained motionless. The scientist concluded that when you cut a frog’s legs off it becomes deaf.

What do you call a mans exaggeration of his length?

Woody's round up.

A college freshman is trying out for the college football team.

"Can you run fast?" asks the coach. In response, the freshman runs along the length of the field in just over twelve seconds.

"Can you tackle?" asks the coach. In response, the freshman tackles a large dead tree and reduces it to a pile of sawdust.

"Can you pass the football?" asks the...

What do you call a half-length lightsabre?

A slightsabre

The Right Choice

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

A cowboy walks into a bar. “What can I get for you?” the bartender asks. “A double whiskey, neat,” he replies.

As the bartender pours, she asks, “How’s it going today?”

“I have a problem with my horses,” the cowboy admits. “I want to train one of them to be a racehorse and the other to be a workhorse, but they look so similar I can’t tell them apart!”



The bartender thinks it over for a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

The man says, “D.D.D.D.D. Doctor. I.I.I.I. I can’t stop st.st.st. stuttering. P.P.P.P.P. Please help.”

After a thorough exam, the doctor tells the man, “We’ve found that your penis is 14 inches long and weighs 3 pounds. The strain of t...

Billionaire's Party

A billionaire built a large pool for his man eating shark. At parties he would tell guests, “If anyone can swim the length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.”

No one ever took the billionaire up on the...

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I have found you!" But Newton replies...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,...

arm's length

what do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
a speech impediment

First trip to the USA

My friend and I visited the USA. We landed at LAX and after an epoch, we cleared Homeland Security and got our luggage.

My friend immediately pulled out a pair of brown, furry, shoulder length gloves and pulled them on. I stared at him. He looked ridiculous - the gloves even had claws. ...

A year has the same length of an hour.

Four letters each.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Help Wanted

A lumber mill posts a help wanted ad for a lumber inspector and receives only one application. When they call the prospective employee in for an interview they realize he is an elderly man who is very clearly blind. The manager is skeptical that a blind man could be a lumber inspector, but after som...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

Request: Joke Length in brackets

When submitting the title of the joke, what if we had some sort of convention?

Recent submissions:

* [A rancher dies.](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/rebvl/a_rancher_dies/)

* [The present](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/re2or/the_present/)

* [Former Olympi...

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”

To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple meet in a bar, and over a few drinks discover a mutual interest in kinky sex, so they adjourn back to her place.

She excuses herself to go change into something a little more...else. Twenty-some minutes later she comes back out wearing an executioner's hood, elbow length opera gloves, under-bust hourglass corset, spiked thong, stockings, and thigh-high, stiletto heel boots. She cracks a bullwhip and says, "On ...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

Why do older polygons make sure their sides all stay an equal length?

It keeps you regular.

Could we get length/content tags, To better find certain kinds of joke?

When I don't have a lot of time because I'm just on reddit during my break it would be cool to look up short one liner type joke. Some time I'm looking for longer jokes. I feel like this could benifit the sub alot.

So I entered a race where we had to sprint the length of a 12 inch ruler

It was a foot race

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

last night I did a poo and in it was a tied up length of rope

I shit you knot

I would go to any lengths

to find a good measuring tape.

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

[Meta] Would it be possible to get a moderator bot to flair each post according to length?

Similar to the way the /r/Talesfromtechsupport that way we can see if it's just a one liner, a short setup or a long epic? I'm not entirely sure this is the place to put this, so if there's a better spot can someone tell me?

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised widely as offering

everything a client might desire.  The traveler at once called room service.  "I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin
between the ages of 18 and 19, who must have blonde hair and blue eyes. I also want sent up 4 pieces of strong rope, each exactly 4 feet in
length, and a ...

A man goes into a lumberyard for a Job interview.

The manager was impessed with his application, and called him in for an interview. The manager decides to put a blindfold on the man to test his knowledge...

The manager places a length of pine on the table, lets the applicant touch and smell it. Correctly the applicant calls it pine.
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.