The 81+ Best Length Jokes

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

Which is more important to women, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

Does length matter? Short answer: no.

Long answer: yes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a prostitute's favourite musical note length?

A crotch.

A length of rope walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says “get out, we don’t serve ropes in here!”

The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.

He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “...

An old man had died. His funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that is your father in there."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.

Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub

They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.

Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.

By their third pint, their tales are ...

I saw a man pulling a length of rope behind him on the street the other day...

Me: Why are you pulling that rope?

Man: You want to try pushing it!

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men who are insecure about the length of their dicks like coming to this sub?

r/jokes is very generous with what qualifies as 'long.'

Finally found the perfect length of time to smoke weed

For twenty minutes

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A genie offered to increase my penis length by 1 inch for every 10 IQ I traded...

Hehdixka a. Sueuwkk aksjns sjebbe Magjxianq an

A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ...

Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop. The mans answer? “You try pushing it”!

What do you call a snake that grows to 3.14m in length?

A π-thon. (A pi-thon)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"...

[NSFW] The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating

Two angels were assigned to giving names to the lengths of time

After creating the names for the year, the month, the week and the hour, they still needed a name for the 24 hour period, but since they had done so much already, they decided to pack their things up and call it a day

A fathom is a unit of length equivalent to 6 feet, so not respecting social distance would be rather...

...unfathomable.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Two girls, one cup is only the trailer for a full length movie

That shit goes on much longer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what is 4 inches in length, 2 inches in diameter, and drives women fucking crazy?

An empty toilet paper roll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried a new penis enlargement method which promised to double the length.

That was quite a stretch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two interesting facts about me:

1: My Penis is the exact length of two IKEA pencils.

2: I've got a lifetime ban from IKEA!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Black Man, a Mexican, and a White Man Got Lost Canoeing.

They reached an island ruled by terrorists. The terrorists wanted to kill the entire crew. However, after seeing the white man, the terrorists had a proposal. If the combined length of the mens' penises measured 1 foot, then the men would be set free. The Black man's dick measured 6 inches. The Whit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paulie Walnut's Pope joke from Sopranos S5E1: cut to punchline only due to length

The Pope is sick and none of the Vatican doctors can figure it out. They summon an old wise man from the hills. He examines the Pope and says he's got a terminal case of blue balls. The only cure is for him to have sex, and the Cardinals go nuts. Finally, the Pope agrees but gives four condition...

What two words will, when heard, get any Trump supporter to rant at length about Hillary Clinton?

"Donald" and "Trump".

I told my wife I was going to cut my hair after breaking the world record for hair length.

But it really grew on me.

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

My ex girlfriend couldn't stop bragging about my length and girth.

But she was just pulling my leg.

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

Circumcision is a serious operation that should be discussed at length between parents and health care professionals.

I couldn’t walk for an entire year after I got mine

My beard is at its optimal length.

If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.

Taking the side length that’s opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon.

It’s considered a sin.

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

[Meta] Can we get length of joke flair similar to /r/TIFU

Is it possible to implement flair beside every joke that indicates the length of the jokes? /r/tifu has something to indicate this. Personally, I like reading longer jokes and I find myself skimming through and ignoring a lot of titles that begin with "What do you" "Who" "Why does a" etc. But even...

[Medium Length]The Engineer and the Guillotine

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards h...

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I measure my penis in Planck lengths...

And I still can't get wood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis is the same length as 2 Argos pens...

Also I'm not allowed in Argos anymore.

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5...

People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5.

People with a penis length above 5 inches tend to rate things on a scale of 1-10.

1-100 people will get this.

Fun Fact: A male chameleons tongue is 1-1.5 times their bodies length and can fire in & out really fast.

Another fun fact: female chameleons are very happy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis length survey? (NSFW)

Statistdicks

A scientist wanted to study the length of a frog’s jump, he began the study by telling the frog to jump, it jumped 10 feet. He then cut off the frog’s front legs and told it to jump, it jumped 5 feet. The scientist then cut off the frog’s back legs.

He told it to jump once more but it remained motionless. The scientist concluded that when you cut a frog’s legs off it becomes deaf.

What do you call a mans exaggeration of his length?

Woody's round up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

What's the difference between a length of pipe and a pale Dutchman?

One's a hollow cylinder, and the other's a sallow Hollander.

arm's length

what do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
a speech impediment

To whoever stole my full length mirror...

Please go take a good hard, long look at yourself.

What do you call a half-length lightsabre?

A slightsabre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

F...

Could we get length/content tags, To better find certain kinds of joke?

When I don't have a lot of time because I'm just on reddit during my break it would be cool to look up short one liner type joke. Some time I'm looking for longer jokes. I feel like this could benifit the sub alot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

last night I did a poo and in it was a tied up length of rope

I shit you knot

So I entered a race where we had to sprint the length of a 12 inch ruler

It was a foot race

I would go to any lengths

to find a good measuring tape.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

Three men are outside of Heavens gate waiting to get in.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A demon is checking a new arrival into Hell.

"Says here," he says, "you didn't really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place."

"Yes," said the dead soul. "But I said I'd rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!"

"Huh," says the demon. "Okay, we don't normally do requests, but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. ...

Lets make a circle!

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.

The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.

The physicist made a long, straigh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Horse And A Chicken...

...Were playing in a meadow.

The horse fell into a mud hole and is started to sink. The horse instructed the chicken to get the farmer so that he could be pulled to safety. The chicken ran to the farm but the farmer was nowhere to be found....

Without a moment to spare,the chicken go...

Einstein dies and goes to heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to

sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tribal Experiment!

A blonde couple was watching a documentary on the TV Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mirror Mirror

A woman is thrift shopping for a full length mirror in various pawn shops. She comes across one she likes and asks the guy at the store about it.

'Well you have to be careful with this mirror' he says 'if you make a wish into a rhyme your wish will be granted'. She thinks it's bull and buys...

Two guys are standing looking at a flagpole....

....and a woman walks up and asks what they're looking at. One guy responds, "We're trying to figure out how to see how tall this thing is." The lady says, "That's easy. Take it out of the ground, lay it down, measure it and then put it back." The guys politely thank her and she goes on her way.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.

"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"

"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Saw a snake show today..

The handler was having a really hard time getting the giant anaconda out of the sack at first.

Then, after promising an impressive length, he had a hard time getting it to stretch out so that was a let down too.

Finally, the show finished about 45min earlier than promised.

He s...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.