A man takes his family to the courtyard to see a beheading

He arrives, but no one is one the stage besides the guards. A half hour later, the headsman arrived on the stage.

“I’m terribly sorry about the wait. I hope it didn’t cause any of you to lose your heads,” the headsman says, and chuckles a little to himself at his joke.
The beheading proc...

Courtyard

My coworker wouldn’t shut up about the Courtyard hotel he stayed at

I told him if you love it so much, why don’t you Marriot?

A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing...

...voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL."

White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and a...

When Beethoven Passed Away, He Was Buried In A Courtyard

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable musi...

On the other side of the fence, next to my dentist's office, is the courtyard of a mental hospital...

After my appointment, I was walking back to my car when I heard some of the patients on the other side of the fence chanting, "Thirteen...Thirteen..."

I spotted a knothole in the fence, so I bent over to take a look at what was going on.

No sooner had I put my eye up to the knothole wh...

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."

The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."

"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."...

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A nun and a rastafarian sit down on a bus

The Rastafarian asks the nun if she’ll go on a date with him and then go back to his place. The nun is disgusted and tells him she sworn to only the lord and leaves

The bus driver tell the Rastafarian that that every night she goes to pray in the church courtyard and could find her there.
...

There was once a 10 year old little boy

Riding his blue bicycle in his mountain town. He hears a strange, unfamiliar bell coming from the top of the nearby mountain. He decides to investigate the next day. He wakes up extra early at 7am and begins his summit to find the bell. He arrives at the top of the mountain after a long 12 hour bike...

Mozart has just died.

A woman is walking through the church courtyard a few days after the death of Mozart when she hears the Ode to Joy very faintly playing backwards. She runs into the church and finds the priest.

"Father, what is the music in the courtyard?"

"Music in the courtyard?" The priest asks. <...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

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A boy is playing hopscotch outside the Vatican

When suddenly a middle aged man runs out shouting "Hallelujah it's a miracle!" As he runs around the courtyard.

Curious, the young boy yells out "HEY! Mister, why all the yelling?"

The man runs over and grabbing the boy by the shoulders says "You will never believe it! I just saw the ...

The mental hospital is having the yearly inspection.

The general manager walks with the inspector on the courtyard while telling him about how the new garden creates a quiet and safe space for the patients.
On the distance they see an disheveled old man dragging a toothbrush over the grass, tied with a piece of dental floss.
"What's ailing t...

"When I see Donald Trump..." - Edinburgh Fringe 2018

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn’t that bad.



Angela Barnes, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm


How I learned to mind my own business???

One day I was walking near a mental institution. Everyone in the courtyard was yelling: “13 13 13 !!!”
The fence was to high to see anything, but I found a hole so I got close to peak through it.. A crazy guy poked me in the eye and everyone started yelling: “ 14 14 14!!!”

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There once was an evil queen...

This queen was a dreadful ruler, but it was primarily because, like superman, she was an extra terrestrial being practically immortal, and superior to the human race she conquered. She'd make continents(ignoring Antarctica) compete in building large sculptures of her and the last place sculpture wou...

Time telling camel

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. “What time is it, sir?”
The...

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An old man wins the lottery.

He goes to his synagogue, walks up to his rabbi and says "I want to donate 10 million dollars to the synagogue on one condition." the rabbi's eyes start to sparkle and he replies "Of course sir, whatever you wish we will do." The old man states "I want you to erect a statue of Adolf Hitler in your c...

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

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An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts an...

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The three tortures.

A tourist got lost hiking in some mountains in China. It started snowing so he decided to seek shelter. He came upon a tall tower with light in the window, so he pounded on the door. A little old Chinese man opened the door.

"WHAT YOU WAN' ROUND EYE"

Shocked that the old man spoke engl...

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Longish literary-ish joke translated from Russian

Russia in the 1930s. Winter. Poverty. Famine. It's freezing cold. A poorly dressed kid is running across a courtyard with an armful of deadwood, followed by an angry caretaker.

The kid is running and thinking to himself:
>I gotta put an end to this. After all, I come from a nice family,...

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A pope in the middle ages is trying to kick the Jews out of Rome...

And the Jewish population is able to convince him to hear out their side first before making them leave. The pope agrees, but the only Jewish man who thinks himself to be a good enough debater is the rabbi, Moishe. But since Moishe only speaks Hebrew and the Pope only Latin and Italian, they agree t...

This one's kinda long

Quasimodo is getting a little old, and he's starting to think about retiring. So he puts out an ad in the Paris Times asking for prospective bell ringers to come meet him at the cathedral for an interview. One of the first applicants is a man who doesn't have any arms. Quasi says to him, "I'm sorry,...

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Many years ago, I was passing a church in San Antonio, Texas.

There in the courtyard was a large statue of Jesus, and praying to the statue was a wealthy Texas rancher. These are the words I heard him say,

"Jesus! Please help me! My Cadillacs are all in the shop. My oil wells have run dry. My cattle got the blight. My Internal Revenue Service is after m...

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So a nun goes to pray at the feet of a statue of The Blessed Virgin...

...and as she closes her eyes, she prays, "Holy Mother, help me seek forgiveness for my sin." The nun hears a heavenly voice; "What is your sin, my daughter?" The nun squeezes her eyes shut and says, "I just saw a penis, Mother... what should I do?" The Holy Mother replies, "Go and wash your eyes...

It was visitor's day at the insane asylum...

It was visitor's day at the insane asylum and all the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."


They were singing it beautifully.


But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.


A visitor...

A boy goes for a bike ride.

A boy goes for a ride, taking his brand new bike out on the mountain trail. He goes up a hill and down a hill and round a bend and through a tunnel and over a bridge and across a road, until he finds himself near an old monastery. As he pulls up, a car comes racing out of nowhere and slams into a tr...

Poverty and Chastity

In January I spent a couple of days at a Benedictine monastery in California. It was a gorgeous place, with a courtyard garden full of fragrant orange trees and a retreat house full of antiques. When I first came through the door, one of the brothers glided up to me and said, "I know what you're thi...

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