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Backyard Jokes

A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon lan...

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My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

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My next door neighbor with massive boobs keeps walking around the backyard topless.

I wish his wife would do the same.

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

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A blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in the backyard.

A pigeon flew over them and dropped one right on his head.

He shouted, “Shit! Hurry up! Get some toilet paper!”

“What for?” she asked.

“The bird must be a mile away by now.”

A girl was throwing stones in her backyard one day

She threw one a little too hard and it came back and hit her in the eye. She ran inside yelling and crying and her parents drove her to the hospital

The doctor tells the family that her eye is going to have to be removed and she’ll need a prosthetic. The family doesn’t have a lot of money and...

What did the black hole say to the photon passing through its galactic backyard?

“Get bent.”

A man in his backyard (Warning: May be offending)

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for ...

I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

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Little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.

The neighbor looked over the fence and asked what he was doing. Little Johnny replied " burying my goldfish". The neighbor said, " damn Little Johnny, that sure is a big hole to bury a goldfish". Little Johnny replied, " I know, it's in your fucking cat"!

I’m saving up some money to plant bushes for my backyard.

That’s…my hedge fund.

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

"Didn't you say your ex is in the backyard? I don't see him anywhere!"

"Well, if you want to see him, you better grab a shovel!"

I noticed a nuclear fusion reactor the other day in my backyard.

While in my backyard the other day, I noticed a large gravitationally confined plasma thermo-nuclear fusion reactor. Being an engineer, I saw that it was radiating huge amounts of energy at very high velocity in the form of incredibly high frequency transversely polarized Maxwellian electromagnetic ...

A grandfather and his grandson are collecting worms in the backyard,

theyre getting ready for a fishing trip. At some point the grandfather looks down at his grandchild and says

"I bet you 10$ that you can't put one of those worms back into one of those holes"

The grandson accepts the challenge, runs into the house then comes back out with a can of hair...

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

I found a chest buried in the backyard

I can't remember what I did with the rest of her

It's a chicken in the backyard.

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarians desk and says, "Buk", so she gives him a book. A couple minutes later the chicken returns. "Buk", he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.

Finally it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fr...

A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.

So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with ...

A six-year-old girl runs into her backyard and sees her neighbor raking leaves...

She runs to him and says proudly “My mommy taught me all about politics today!”

“That’s great! So are you a Republican or a Democrat?” he asks.

“A demmycrat!”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, demmycrats believe in helping the poor. So they take some money from everyone and give it ...

As I suspected, someone had been secretly adding soil in my backyard garden

*The plot thickens....*

"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"

And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"

I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.

I don't know why, but they seem shady.

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My neighbor called me to complain that my oxen was taking a dump in his backyard.

I said that's bullshit

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While playing in the backyard, little Johnny kills a honeybee.

His father sees him killing it and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockr...

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park

I asked him "Why are you eating grass?"

He said "I am very hungry"

I replied "Oh, okay then. Come with me."

You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.

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A boy and his Grandpa are out looking for nightcrawlers in their backyard to go fishing.

When the boy pulls out a huge nightcrawler and exclaims to his Grandpa " Grandpa, look at this ONE!"

His Grandpa says "That's quite the big nightcrawler you got there. Hey, bet ya 5 bucks you can't get that nightcrawler back in it's hole."

The little boy says "Deal!". Then runs inside ...

Two kids camping in the backyard

Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.

"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.

"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.

The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few second...

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

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How do you know if two elephants were having sex in your backyard?

Your fence is knocked down and one of your Hefty trash bags is missing.

A man has found water while digging in his backyard

For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine and dug a deeper hole until he found water...

If the government finds diamonds in your backyard it's theirs...

... but if they find drugs, then it's yours?

What speaks Irish and lives in your backyard?

Paddy O'Furniture

I tried using Roundup on the 7 weeds in our backyard.

Now we have 10 weeds.

How do you keep bears out of your backyard?

You install goal posts.

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard

A man walked outside and saw an Elephant in his backyard eating cabbages of his garden. The man, who had never seen anything like it before, ran to his neighbours house and said ‘Neighbour Neighbour a huge, weird creature is in my garden. Come look! He’s picking up cabbages with his tail and you won...

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?

Move him to the front yard.

I wish the grass in my backyard was emo

So it would just cut itself

Some kind of animal busted a nut in my backyard...

Must've been a squirrel.

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My wife and I just bought a house

It came with two separate sheds in the backyard. But lately we’ve been arguing a lot about what goes in which shed.

It’s all about that he-shed/she-shed bullshit.

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A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

Wife: "Come and play with me"
Man: "Okay..."

He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure.

So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.

He walked back in and slid th...

I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

I found a cool spider in my backyard today.

I picked it up and drove it accross the city.

Now it's far from home.

My neighbor just buried $100,000 in his backyard garden..

..he wanted to make his soil richer.

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

Did you know that Helen Keller had a swingset in her backyard?

Neither did she.

What to do when your mother in law is zigzagging across your backyard?

Shoot again.

A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.

"Honey, do you want a beer?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.

The husband looks...

My uneducated neigbor was planning to grow a flowerbed in his backyard

But then he realised he can't plant flowers as he hadn't botany

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

Found a rusty propane tank like thing burried in my backyard today. As I open it with an angle grinder

My mind was blown

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What's the difference between the clitoris and the dead hooker in my backyard?

The clitoris doesn't exist.

If a crack develops in your backyard...

Is it your fault?

I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife.

I’ll put a patio on them later.

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Tell me, what is it called when you're in your backyard naked shooting hoops?

Balls in your court.

I was going to grow a fungus farm in my backyard

but there wasn't mushroom.

My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard

... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him

The new backyard grill I got for Memorial Day weekend is actually assembled in America...

The box of components are imported, but I had to put it together myself in my garage.

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors backyard.

The neighbor would come over, banging on the door,screaming,"Your dog has been in my yard again,digging holes and scaring my rabbit."
"I'm real sorry about that neighbor, I'll try to keep him penned up."
"Next time,as God as my witness, I'll shoot that dog of yours,"and his neighbor storms off...

What did the hippie farmer plant in his backyard

Some sweet peas

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...

"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."

Noisy Dog.

A husband and wife are having a hard time sleeping, given the fact their neighbor's dog is barking in the backyard all night long. Eventually, the wife tells her husband to go next door and get the dog to stop. The husband obeys and comes back a few minutes later.

"Okay, honey, that should so...

What does Snoop Dogg keep in his backyard?

His garden hoes.

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A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control...

An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him bac...

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An alien spaceship lands in a married couple's backyard...

The couple goes out to greet them. After introductions and typical small talk, they discover that these aliens are galactic swingers, and they were looking to do a little swapping.

The couple decided that, since they were representing all of humanity, they would play along.

The wif...

A guy finds a crocodile in his backyard...

So he calls up an animal control center and asks, "I found a crocodile in my yard and I managed to get it in my truck...what should I do with it?" So the person from the animal control center says, "Well, your best bet now would be to take it to the zoo." The following day, the animal control center...

Carmelo and his brother Dave sat together admiring the size of his vast, but empty backyard.

"Hey Carm," says Dave "we should do something with your yard. Maybe a pool or something."

Carmelo glanced over grinning.

"Way ahead of you man. I've already hired a company to spruce the place up. Actually, I have a sub-contractor coming over tomorrow for the deck."

...

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An older woman heard someone digging in the backyard of the house next door.

She leaned over the fence and saw her neighbor's little girl digging a hole.

"Hi Nancy" she said "what's the hole for?"

Nancy sobbed and said "My goldfish died and I'm burying it."

The woman said, "Ha-ha, silly girl, that hole's way too big for a goldfish."

The little ...

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I had a treehouse in my backyard growing up, and I even lost my virginity in it.

Sadly it burned down when I was 10

If you spend enough time on Instagram or Reddit or reels…

… eventually you will see images of scantily clad older women and even some men, asking your opinion of them. This is not good, there comes a time when less is not better. UNLESS, you can profit from it. For example, in my case I found that walking around naked in my backyard has produced tall pri...

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A elderly Italian man wanted to plant tomatoes in his backyard but he was too weak...

An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vinc...

What do you do if you see your stepmother hobbling around in the backyard?

Reload.

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[Long] A man woke up one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree in his backyard.

A man woke up one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree in his backyard.
Not sure what to do about this he calls a local exterminator service.
The lady on the phone says, “Sure, we deal with gorilla removal all the time, I can have someone there in thirty minutes.
Thirty minutes la...

My ex-wife used to drink a lot. One night I got sick of seeing her stagger around the backyard.

That’s when I decided to shoot her a second time.

My grandpa died yesterday. Here's one of my favorite jokes he told. What are your favorite grandpa jokes?

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole. "Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson. "My goldfish died, s...

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

A hoser is lying on a hammock in his backyard drinking a beer while his wife mows the lawn.

His neighbour leans over the fence and says, "That's disgusting. You let your wife do all the work while you just lie there and drink beer. You should be damn-well hung!"

"I am," replies the hoser. "That's why she mows the lawn for me."

My kid was ‘fighting’ an old oak in our backyard, hitting over and over again. I said, “Son! What did that poor tree ever so to you?!?” He replies...

“It keeps throwing shade.”

A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, "Your cat got run over by a car and died." The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell ...

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Good luck, Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-...

For the couple of people that haven't seen this one yet.

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this'

Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doi...

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There’s a gorilla in my tree

A man comes home from work to discover that there is a gorilla in the tree in his backyard. Never having seen this before, he calls a friend to ask for advice. “Don’t worry about it,” his friend says. “I’ve got a guy who can take care of it for you. I’ll send him right over.

Fifteen minutes l...

Mr. Johnson wanted to get rid of a redwood tree in his backyard, so he put an ad in the paper asking for a lumberjack to get rid of the tree. Many lumberjacks tried to cut down the tree, but they all failed.

One day, a very skinny man with a plastic spoon knocked on Mr. Johnson's door. "I would like to try to cut down your tree," he said.

"With just that plastic spoon?" gasped Mr. Johnson.

"Yes," said the skinny man. The two of them went to the backyard, and the skinny man tapped the redwo...

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