Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

Why couldn't Superman find the local playground as a kid?

Adult supervision was required

I saw the most disgusting thing today: a strip club across the street from a playground.

Just trying to enjoy the day with my family while losers are swinging on monkey bars 50 feet away.

Why did the child cross the playground?

Did you see? I'm already using my binoculars and I'm not allowed to get any closer.

Some high schoolers are on the playground.

A new kid walks up. They say ”whats your name?” He says “God.” They say "NO way!!!” He says “Yahweh”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid hears a word on a playground...

And doesn't know what it means. He goes up to his teacher and says "Miss, I heard this word but I'm not sure what it means."

"Well, what was the word?" She asks.

"Raspberry."

The teacher is shocked that the student would say such a thing. "That kind of language is not acceptable...

Little Johnny makes a face at another kid on the playground.

Mrs. Smith walks over, pulls him aside, and says, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and stay like that forever.” Little Johnny looks up and says, “Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say they didn’t warn you.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Johnny and Sally are our playing at the local playground [NSFW]

Sally looks at Johnny and says "Johnny, do you know what a penis is?"

"No, I don't," Johnny says, "but I can go ask my dad!"

Johnny runs home and finds his dad drunk on the couch, and asks "Dad, what is a penis?"

Johnny's dad pulls down his pants and says, "This is a penis, son...

A priest and a rabbi are walking past a playground.

The priest sees a little boy playing on a swing. He nudges the rabbi and says “hey, let’s go over there and screw that kid!” The rabbi looks at the kid and says “out of what?”

I got injured in the playground today.

Chute.

I got in a fight with a guy at the park because he was hogging the playground equipment.

He took a swing.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a playground in her backyard?

Neither did she

I was sitting on the bench at the playground ..a woman sitting next to me said "which one is yours? "

I said "I haven't decided yet "

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground....

......Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you...

We took the kids to the playground earlier.

We met another couple and their kids. They seemed real normal, you know? So we asked if they wanted to walk over to the slides and the see-saw.

But then the husband told us, they’re swingers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Priest and a Rabbi walk by a playground full of kids

The Priest turns to the Rabbi and says “Let’s fuck em’”

The Rabbi replies “Out of what?”

I saw two kids fighting on an elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

They didn’t stand a chance...

Childen are playing on a kindergarten playground with their tablets...

...and the teacher is sleeping on a bench. A lady walks by and wakes the teacher up: "Aren't you afraid that the children will run away and get lost?" asks the lady. "I'm not afraid at all," says the teacher, "the WiFi signal covers the playground only."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three boys are on the school playground and decide to have a penis measuring contest.

The first boy, a Mexican, pulls his out and it's pretty average. The second boy, a white kid, pulls his out and it's just above average. The third boy who is black pulls his out and it blows the other two away. He claims king of the playground and they go about their day. After the black boy goes ho...

When I was a kid, I found a bottle of vodka someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.

The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.

Why did the banana not enjoy the playground?

He was scared of the monkey bars.

2 girls were talking on the playground...

One looks to the other and asks, "Do you guys pray before you eat dinner?"

The other replies, "No, my mom knows how to cook."

Jimmy and Johnny and sitting in the playground after school...

as kids do. At one point Jimmy calls Johnny over, "You need to see this." He immediately pulls out a brand new rolex.

Johnny ask, "Where'd you get that watch?"

Jimmy replied. "I can't tell you."

"C'mon, did you get it for your birthday?"

"Nope."

"...from your gra...

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher.

She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.


"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.


"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.


"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.


"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A creepy van pulls up to playground.

A sleazy, balding man exits and eyes the playground. He spots Little Billy playing in the sandbox. The man approaches Billy and says "Hey little boy I'll give you a whole bag of candy if you come inside my van"
Little Billy looked up and replied "Shit mister for a bag of candy I'll come in your m...

What dance did Nikola Tesla invent at the playground?

The Electric Slide

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the ...

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down.

They don't know I'm firing blanks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a hooker working near the playground jumping over and around the equipment?

A park whore doing parkour!

What do you call someone who designs playgrounds?

A Park-itect

What do you call a German paedophile hiding in the playground bushes?

Kinder Surprise!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pedophile parks his van next to a playground

He opens the door and calls out to a little boy. As the boy approaches peddy eddy proclaims "I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van." the little boy asses him for a moment then replies, "I'll cum in your face for the whole bag."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(uncouth) A priest and a rabbi are walking by a playground...

The priest says "Let's fuck those kids"

The rabbi says, "Outta what?"

One of my faves, always makes me chuckle when I think of it

A Woman Goes to a Playground...

A woman goes to a playground with her young son. After a while, she notices a man playing with several children nearby. Not seeing anybody else in the area, she approaches him and asks "Where's your wife?"

The man looks up at her and replies "I don't have a wife" and goes back to playing wit...

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scottish man were at the playground when a leprechaun appeared....

"Lads" says the Leprechaun, pointing to his right: "this is a wishing slide, when you slide down it, just make a wish, and whatever it is ya wish for, you'll land in it!".


"Ok, i'll give it a go" says Paddy Englishman.
He begins to climb the ladder.

"Nice and loud now" ...

(NSFW) Playground humor

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 from those stupid boys just by climbing a tree.

Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria laughed and said, I know that mom, that's why I took them off first.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Temporary Playground Supervisor

The playground supervisor needs some time off, so Mrs. Smith the Supermom agrees to stand in for her. While Mrs. Smith is supervising, she sees a little girl, by herself, intently watching the other kids play. Mrs. Smith goes up to the little girl and says "They look like they are having fun with ...

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

HOLDING A BABY

This woman wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don't bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

****NSFW****Little Johnny and Little Susie

One day on the playground little Johnny and little Susie were playing. Little Johnny stopped and said.

"I got something awesome wanna see?"

Little Susie said yes.

So little Johnny pulls down his pants an underwear and shows her his penis.

"My daddy says this is my peni...

A blonde is down on her luck...

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." S...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly man stopped my eight year old in the park.

An elderly man stopped my 8 year old at the park. He had been watching him play and pulled him aside to question him.

He said, "I can't believe what you're doing! You're running around, eating candy bars with filthy hands, and then jumping off the monkey bars, you are gonna get seriously inj...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and little girl are in the play ground playing when suddenly

The little girl stops lifts her dress and says “you see that?”

The little boy responds “yes”

She says “that’s a vagina. What do you have?”

The little boy stands up and opens his pants and says “ I am not sure, just this dangling thing”

“ Well, what’s called?” She asks. <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Susie came home from school one day.

Her mom asks "How was school today sweetie?"

"GOOD! Johnny showed me his penis on the playground!"

"What!" Said her mom, "Well what did you think about it?

"It reminded me of a peanut."

"HAHA, Because it was so small?" Joked her mom.

"NO! Because it tasted salty!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Door to door Vaseline survey

(this might have made more sense back in the days when people actually went door-to-door instead of having everything on the net)

A man knocks on the door of a house, and a lady in her late 20's answers.

"Good afternoon, ma'am, I'm a representative of the Vaseline Petrolium Jelly compa...

I was sitting at a park one day just watching the children play.

A mother came up to me and said, "So, which one is yours?"

I looked over the playground and said, "You know, I haven't decided yet."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," s...

Inmate escapes prison

Johnny had been in prison for only a year into his life long sentence with no hope for parole that he had decided that he would not be dying in prison. Using outside connections and some small favors he was able to get a small spoon and a local map of the surrounding area to the prison. After ten ye...

My uncle is a well known organ player.

They even have his picture up at the playground warning parents to keep their kids away from him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

The bartender asks why he looks so glum. "I've been searching everywhere for the legendary tower of knowledge, but it doesnt seem to exist." "Legendary tower of knowledge huh", asks the bartender, "I've never heard of anything like that, what it supposed to be?" "Well, it's supposed to be like a bib...

Master list of dad jokes

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it

What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!

Where do cows go on Friday ni...

A man was standing at the bus stop.

Suddenly he saw a very fit-looking old man.
He went to the old man,and said-

Man-'Sir,you look very fit. What's the secret of your looking  so fit and young?'

Old man-'I smoke 30 cigars a day. 
I drink 4-5 bottles of vodka daily,and I am a serious drug-addict. 
And I hate doin...

Little Sally came home from school one day with a smile on her face...

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replie...

You can say what you want about pedophiles

...but at least they drive slowly around schools and playgrounds.

Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.

The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"

The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"

The third one says,...

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

They say kids are chick magnets and they weren't kidding!!!!

I grabbed one off a playground the other day and had 10 women running after me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Jewish grandpa told me this joke a few years back

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking by a playground.

Priest: *leans over to the Rabbi and whispers* "Id love to go fuck those kids"

Rabbi: *looking confused* "fuck them out of what? They don't have any money"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I heard this one from my grandpa

There is a white kid an asian kid and a black kid playing together on a playground at school all in the second grade. The white kid asks if they want to play a game called whose penis is bigger and they all agree.

So the asian kid whips it out, the other kids say "not bad not bad"

Ne...

A boy was born without a body...

His mother carried him around when she went out. Ever time she walked to the grocery store they would pass the playground. He saw children laughing and playing and he wanted so badly to be able to join them. Every night he wished for a body to go play with the other children. To his surprise one mor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Here's a joke I heard awhile back.

Its a bit racist. Please don't send me angry PMs.

In the kindergarten playground at recess 3 male students were comparing their penis sizes. There was an Asian boy, a white boy, and a black boy. The Asian boy and white boy had penises about the same size, but the black boys penis was much big...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

lawyers....

Q: What happens to a lawyer when you give them viagra?

A: They grow taller.



Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A: Once you die a vampire stops sucking your blood.



Q: Why do lawyers wear ties?

A: To stop their foreskin creeping u...

Johnny, Billy and Jimmy are discussing girls at their high school.

Johnny said, “Mindy Carlson let me kiss her in the playground after Math—she’s one of the greats.”

“That’s nothing,” said Billy, “Madison let me kiss her with tongues in the gym after Chemistry—she’s a Hall-of-Fame-girl.”

Little Jimmy just shook his head. “You know Becca Sampson? S...

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