UPJOKE
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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the ...

Jack and Bobby are arguing in the playground.

"My dad's better than your dad," says Jack.

"Oh yeah," replies Bobby. "Well, my mom's better than your mom!"

"You're probably right," says Jack. "My dad says the same thing."

I was sitting on the bench at the playground ..a woman sitting next to me said "which one is yours? "

I said "I haven't decided yet "

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

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A cop sees a kid on the playground playing with poop and sand

He goes up to him and asks, "What are you doing, kid?". The kid says, "Making a policeman".
The cop loses his mind, gives the kid a beating and sends him home.
The next day the cop sees the same kid in the same spot, playing with poop and sand.
He asks, "What are you doing?". The kid ...

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

At a playground, a woman asked a man "Which kid is yours?"

The man replied "Haven't decided yet."

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide! My 5 year old told me this. I'm sure it isn't OC, but I got a chuckle.

The police were called to a local playground

The police were called to a local playground with reports of hundreds of chickens running wild there.

They thought it was a prank call at first, but now they suspect fowl play.

Did you hear about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground?

It was a knot-for-profit.

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A cop was walking around a children playground

He sees a kid playing in the sand, so he goes to him and asks:

-Hi there champ, what are you building?

-A cop

-Oh, that's really nice, and how are you going to do that?

-I will use some water, sand and shit

The cop gets angry and starts pulling and tugging his ears...

2 girls were talking on the playground...

One looks to the other and asks, "Do you guys pray before you eat dinner?"

The other replies, "No, my mom knows how to cook."

How do you tell who at the playground plays the trombone?

They can't swing and are always complaining about the slide

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but ...

I was near the local playground, and I tried flirting with the cute single mother.

It was a swing and a Miss.

What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?

A swing and a myth.

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A creepy van pulls up to playground.

A sleazy, balding man exits and eyes the playground. He spots Little Billy playing in the sandbox. The man approaches Billy and says "Hey little boy I'll give you a whole bag of candy if you come inside my van"
Little Billy looked up and replied "Shit mister for a bag of candy I'll come in your m...

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One day 4 friends went to the playground and seen a magic slide

the slide gives you whatever you say while going down.
the first friend goes up and slides down and says "money!!!!!" and lands in money
the second friend goes down and screams "sweets!!" and lands in a pile of sweets
the third friend climbs up slips on the last step and says "oh shit"

Little Johnny is on recess playing on the playground when he see his dad drive into the woods next to the school.

Curious as to what his dad's doing, little Johnny decided to skip school to see what was going on.

When he gets to the woods he finds his dad there with his aunt Jenny. Well aunt Jenny is on her knees helping Johnny's dad relieve himself.

After school little Johnny runs home to tell ...

When you’re driving by the playground

And one of the speed bumps screams

What did Adele say when she saw her ex-boyfriend at the playground?

HELLO FROM THE OTHER SLIIIIIDE

I enjoy watching children jumping and screaming on the playground.

They don’t know I’m firing blanks.

Childen are playing on a kindergarten playground with their tablets...

...and the teacher is sleeping on a bench. A lady walks by and wakes the teacher up: "Aren't you afraid that the children will run away and get lost?" asks the lady. "I'm not afraid at all," says the teacher, "the WiFi signal covers the playground only."

I just lost my job manufacturing children’s playground aparatus

This industry is all swings and roundabouts

What do you do when a playground bully stands one inch away and say "I'm not touching you...I'm not touching you.."?

Hope that he pulls the army back to the Kremlin soon.

One day on the playground at school, a little boy flashes a little girl...

He then says, "ha ha I've got one of these and you don't."

The little girl not bothered by this went on about her business.

This continues ever day for weeks. Finally the little girl has had enough and tells her mom. Her mom tells her exactly what to do.

The next day on the p...

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A kid hears a word on a playground...

And doesn't know what it means. He goes up to his teacher and says "Miss, I heard this word but I'm not sure what it means."

"Well, what was the word?" She asks.

"Raspberry."

The teacher is shocked that the student would say such a thing. "That kind of language is not acceptable...

What has four legs and one arm?

A doberman at a children's playground.

Some high schoolers are on the playground.

A new kid walks up. They say ”whats your name?” He says “God.” They say "NO way!!!” He says “Yahweh”

A 12 year old boy comes home early from the playground

and to his surprise when he enters his house, he hears loud moaning voices coming from his parent's room, in a confused state he quickly hides in his room. His father also comes home early, and the boyfriend of his mother comes running down and hides in the kids room as well.

Kid: It's reall...

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground....

....Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't...

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher.

She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.


"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.


"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.


"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.


"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever...

The kidnap

A blonde is running a little short of cash, so she goes to the playground and kidnaps Johnny.

She takes him to her home and writes a note:

\- “If you want to see Johnny again, leave $10,000 in unmarked bills in a plain paper bag by the merry-go-round at the playground by 8 AM tomorro...

I got injured in the playground today.

Chute.

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

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Johnny and Sally are our playing at the local playground [NSFW]

Sally looks at Johnny and says "Johnny, do you know what a penis is?"

"No, I don't," Johnny says, "but I can go ask my dad!"

Johnny runs home and finds his dad drunk on the couch, and asks "Dad, what is a penis?"

Johnny's dad pulls down his pants and says, "This is a penis, son...

I was driving by a playground the other day,

Y'know slides I can get down with, but swings I go back and forth on.

Why did the banana not enjoy the playground?

He was scared of the monkey bars.

A priest and a rabbi are walking past a playground.

The priest sees a little boy playing on a swing. He nudges the rabbi and says “hey, let’s go over there and screw that kid!” The rabbi looks at the kid and says “out of what?”

We took the kids to the playground earlier.

We met another couple and their kids. They seemed real normal, you know? So we asked if they wanted to walk over to the slides and the see-saw.

But then the husband told us, they’re swingers.

Why couldn't Superman find the local playground as a kid?

Adult supervision was required

I invented this joke and I will never shut up about it.

What's a racist's favourite playground game?

Apartheid and Seek.

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Jimmy and Johnny and sitting in the playground after school...

as kids do. At one point Jimmy calls Johnny over, "You need to see this." He immediately pulls out a brand new rolex.

Johnny ask, "Where'd you get that watch?"

Jimmy replied. "I can't tell you."

"C'mon, did you get it for your birthday?"

"Nope."

"...from your gra...

A Woman Goes to a Playground...

A woman goes to a playground with her young son. After a while, she notices a man playing with several children nearby. Not seeing anybody else in the area, she approaches him and asks "Where's your wife?"

The man looks up at her and replies "I don't have a wife" and goes back to playing wit...

When I was a kid, I found a bottle of vodka someone had left at the treehouse at the playground. So I took it to the police station.

The police told me not to worry. They would get to the bottom of it.

Why did the child cross the playground?

Did you see? I'm already using my binoculars and I'm not allowed to get any closer.

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A pedophile parks his van next to a playground

He opens the door and calls out to a little boy. As the boy approaches peddy eddy proclaims "I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van." the little boy asses him for a moment then replies, "I'll cum in your face for the whole bag."

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Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

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The Temporary Playground Supervisor

The playground supervisor needs some time off, so Mrs. Smith the Supermom agrees to stand in for her. While Mrs. Smith is supervising, she sees a little girl, by herself, intently watching the other kids play. Mrs. Smith goes up to the little girl and says "They look like they are having fun with ...

What do you call someone who designs playgrounds?

A Park-itect

What dance did Nikola Tesla invent at the playground?

The Electric Slide

The vote for better slides in school playgrounds is on the ballot this year.

Unfortunately, I live in a swing state.

Why did the ghost get arrested on the playground?

He was caught distributing boos to minors.

I saw the most disgusting thing today: a strip club across the street from a playground.

Just trying to enjoy the day with my family while losers are swinging on monkey bars 50 feet away.

What do you call it when fewer and fewer school kids go to the playground?

A recession.

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A Priest and a Rabbi walk by a playground full of kids

The Priest turns to the Rabbi and says “Let’s fuck em’”

The Rabbi replies “Out of what?”

Suppose Nintendo were to create like a 100ft slide for playgrounds and stuff...

It oughta be called the Nintendo Wheeee!

Why are Wayne and Garth banned from playgrounds?

They hog the Schwing set.

A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....

.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"

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(uncouth) A priest and a rabbi are walking by a playground...

The priest says "Let's fuck those kids"

The rabbi says, "Outta what?"

One of my faves, always makes me chuckle when I think of it

I got six minors on my driving test.

I accidentally reversed into a school playground.

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What do you call a German paedophile hiding in the playground bushes?

Kinder Surprise!

I got in a fight with a guy at the park because he was hogging the playground equipment.

He took a swing.

I thought my new strategy was going to make me successful at the playground hopscotch but I still wasn't able to complete it.

I guess its back to square one.

I’m always playing with it. I always have it in my hand. I pull it out at family parties or hanging out with friends. I’ve been known to just whip it out in public, at the park, at the playground.

I’m talking about my phone, you sicko!

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A boy had been born with no arms, no legs, and no torso; just a head.

Needless to say, life was tough for the little fella. His parents; wonderful people; would take him everywhere. They would feed and care for him as best they could. They traveled the world looking for a doctor who could help their little boy in any way. But for many years, they got only regretful re...

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scottish man were at the playground when a leprechaun appeared....

"Lads" says the Leprechaun, pointing to his right: "this is a wishing slide, when you slide down it, just make a wish, and whatever it is ya wish for, you'll land in it!".


"Ok, i'll give it a go" says Paddy Englishman.
He begins to climb the ladder.

"Nice and loud now" ...

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