This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(I heard this joke in my language and found it somewhat funny, so decided to translate and post it to see if it sounds funny in English too. Sorry for poor translation). A man goes to a doctor and complains about "not being very good in bed".

So doctor gives him a medicine saying that he will see the difference if he uses it regularly.And it really works. But later, he overuses the medicine so he wants having more sex. Now, sleeping with 10, 15, even 20 girls in a day is not enough for him. He starts to fuck everyone he comes across in ...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

A man goes back to a bookstore to complain about a recent purchase.

“I bought this book last week called The Biggest Cowards in History, but the minute I opened the book, all of the pages fell out.”

The sales clerk looks at the book and explains, “Well, that’s because it’s got no spine.”

Everybody complains about the weather . . .

but nobody does anything about it except the CIA.

People complain a lot about dealing with erectile dysfunction

But it's not exactly hard, is it?

An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, "My son Joey converted to Christianity."

Her friend says, "My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"

​

The first woman responds, "The only thing we can do is pray."

​

So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts t...

People complain that Taco Bell isn’t authentic.

But it gets the job done for half the price of other restaurants and nothing is more Mexican than that.

Boy complains to his father:You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls at the swimming pool but you forgot to mention on thing.

Dad: Really,what??

Boy: You forgot to tell me that the potato should go at the front.

My mother always complains about hitting traffic during rush hour.

I just think she needs to be a better driver.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage

Zero fucks were given.

People often complain about the way I drive on icy roads

They're all like, "Why don't you golf somewhere else?"

A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young woman complains to her mother

“I just can’t take it anymore, I wanna divorce Steve!”, she exclaims.

“What’s wrong my dear?”, asks her mom.

“All he wants to do is anal, my anus was the size of a dime when I got married and now it’s as big as a friggin quarter!” she cries.

“Well, my dear”, says the mom, “you d...

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn't complain.

A man complains: I´m tired of people talking behind my back...

...Sir, you are a taxi driver.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend complains that I take too long during sex...

But I think its better to Ejaculate than ejacunever!

So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.

I save money by filling up just the tank.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I never tip the cute pizza delivery drivers and always complain that they're rude, even when they're nice...

That way, I know I'm fucking them.

I called a Chinese friend of mine to ask how he was doing while he was visiting his family back in China.

He said he couldn’t complain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

A man walks into his Doctor's appointment and complains of a stomach ache.

"Is it bad? How long have you had it?" asks the doctor.

"It hurts a lot, and I've had it about a week now. I've tried my usual remedies, but nothing has worked."

"Alright," the doctor replies, "We'll run some tests then and I'll call you in a few days to come back once the results are ...

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
 

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
 

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;<...

If you complain that this generation is a bunch of snowflakes...

Don't worry, soon there won't be snowflakes anywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So....a son comes home from school and complains to his dad that, for homework, he has to describe the difference between....

the word “potentially” and the word “realistically” .
The Dad thinks for a second and says... Well son, I want you to go ask your sister if she would have sex with the mailman for 2 million dollars. The son does and the sister answers, immediately without hesitation, “Hell yea, I’d fuck the ...

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

My wife always complains I’m insensitive. So I got her some beads of an abacus for her birthday.

She said, “What the hell are these?”

I replied, “It’s the little things that count.”

What has 4 arms, 2 noses, and complains all the time?

My pregnant wife

Why didn't the customer at the Indian restaurant complain about getting a bad curry?

It turned out to be a naan issue.

I asked ny friend from north Korea whats it like there

He looked me dead in the eyes and said as serious as you can be,
"Can't complain."

People in the office always complain about the a/c being too strong

but I'm totally cool with it

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

“No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

A man goes to a five dollar lady of the night, and gets crabs. He goes back to complain...

She says, "It was $5... what did you expect? Lobster?"

When people around me complain about my flatulence I explain to them that it puts me on the same level as the great Pharaohs of old....

Because we have a Tutanhkhamun.

After getting a vasectomy a guy complains to his buddy that they don't work since his wife still keeps getting pregnant.

The buddy says "mine didn't work either, it just made the babies come out black"

My wife complains I use too much toilet paper and I should only use three sheets.

Now she complains that the bed linen stinks.

I called my repairman to complain about a faulty icemaker that had been leaking ...

When he came back out to the house, he discovered it was just some ice that had fallen and melted on the floor. I offered my apologies for the mistake. The repairman told me not to worry, as far as he was concerned, it was water under the fridge.

A woman complains to her husband about the blisters on her hands

"I have so many blisters from using this broom" says the wife
"well maybe use the car next time" the husband replies.

A man complains about the noise of a tennis factory

"You lot are making a racket in there."

The wife looks at herself in the mirror and complain to her husband: “I am so ugly and wrinkle and fat. Do I even have any good traits?”

The husband put down his newspaper and slowly answer: “Your eyesight is excellent darling”

A dad complains "Millennials get certificates for anything..."

"My son got one last week just for dying!"

I only have one thing to complain about

Wish I had a couple more.

I don't know why people complain about using your phone whilst driving.

I can drive on the freeway and post this comment at the sa

A disgruntled cow complains about the way it's treated

The Cow grumbles under its breath "This lousy cowboy does nothing but push me around all day"
Cowboy: "What's that you said?"
Cow: "You herd me!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It Snowed

It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest....

Whenever I complain about things I have a friend confined to a wheelchair that will bust my chops about how easy I have it.

But I always remind him that before he judges me he should walk a mile in my shoes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The more and more people complain about fewer vs less....

The less fucks I give

An old man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem gas.

"It's non-stop," the man tells his doctor. "I just have this *constant* stream of silent gas pouring out of me. It might shock you to know that it's even been happening since I came into your office."

"OK," replies the doctor. "The first thing I'm going to recommend is a hearing test."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People often complain I wouldn't appreciate their opinion.

If you ask me, this is always bullshit.

Just because nobody complains

Doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

People complain about Game of Thrones having a lot of incest...

...but Bran could have broken his arms instead of his legs

I don't know why millenials always complain about the job market after college

In the 15 years since I graduates I've held 5 entry level positions with every promotion.

Everyone complains about the abuse of power in America

but at least after the holidays all the lights are taken down.

Cat complains that food bowl is empty when it’s actually full.

Fake mews.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

Why did the duck complain after his facelift?

His bill was too high.

My girlfriend complains that I think too highly of myself...

but I think she is amazing as well.
In fact, when she stands next to me, she is near perfect.

Buying a horse

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Dave replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

T...

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An office girl complains about sore throat to a coworker...

she says she's not feeling well and wants to go home early.

Her coworker pulls her aside and says: "I'll tell you a little secret. Whenever I have a sore throat, I go home to my husband, give him a blowjob, and swallow it all. Works like magic every time!"

The next day, the girl bounce...

If your girl complains that you never take her anywhere expensive

Take her to the gas station.

After spending 90 days in the Persian Gulf, a sailor goes to complain to his master chief.

"Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world." The master chief replies, "Sailor, the Earth is 75 percent water. The navy showed you that, if you want to see the other 25 percent, join the army."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband complains to his wife about their sex life

Sitting in the bedroom, the husband tells his wife:

"I can't do this anymore! We haven't had sex in years!"

"I understand. Let me show you."

So, the pair goes down to the kitchen. The husband gives an angry look to his wife:

"What's this all about?!"

"I want coffee...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man complains to his girlfriend that his wife got his age wrong on the birthday cake she made for him

His girlfriend relied, "Aww, that dumb bitch! I got you the right number of candles! I didn't make the cake, though."

He looks at her and says

"It's the thot that counts"

A wife complains to her husband

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs

That's nonsense - what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?

Next time someone complains about millennials

Remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.

A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs

"I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"

A girl complains to her mother about having to share her bed with her grandmother.

Girl: "Mom, I'm sick of sharing with grandma. She smells!
Mom:"Honey I told you already, we can't afford to have her buried".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When Women Complain About Sex

**How To Please A Woman**

* Warm her up first. She's not a lawn mower that you can just turn on and off with the push of a lever.

* Touch her gently - she's a delicate flower.

* But not too gently - she wants a confident man, not a timid boy.

* Give her a masculine squeez...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Its pretty annoying how women complain about having 1 baby in their stomach

I have like a million in my ballsack and im not complaining.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Women complain that men treat them as sex objects.

Then they buy a vibrator. Isn't that just women treating sex objects as men?

Got tired of hearing my girlfriend complain that I never went down on her

She stopped after I chewed her out.

Little Johnny complains to mom at home, “Mom, our teacher really doesn’t know anything.

He keeps asking us!”

It's a shame people aren't paid to complain.

If they were, my ex-wife would have enough money to support herself!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist

So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands

Because shes deaf

I can't complain

My politically passionate friend was going on a rant about Trump's election. He was absolutely livid, and asked me what I thought.

"I can't complain," I said, nonchalantly.

Incredulous, my friend shouted, "How can you possibly be so cool about this? We just elected a misogynist to the ...

I'm so tired of hearing people complain about being hung over.

Just stop your wining.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We don't give toilets enough credit

they take a lot of shit and never complain

Two Math Professors Are Sitting In A Pub. "Isn't It Disgusting", The First One Complains, "how Little The General Public Knows About Mathematics?

"Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too pessimistic."

"I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the bathroom."

He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the ...

The wife complains I never buy her flowers.

I never knew she sold them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't stand when guys complain about their girlfriends giving shitty hand jobs

I see where they're coming from, but something about it just rubs me the wrong way

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you make $200 an hour you can't complain that your employer is fucking you

Because $200 an hour is a very reasonable rate for getting fucked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just… don’t read these, okay? If you do read them, don’t fucking complain.

OFFENSIVE JOKES

What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids.

What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can’t take a joke.

What’s black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? N...