UPJOKE
grumblebemoanwhinelamentbleatscoldaccuseplaintiffpartychargeplainkickyammergripeblame

My girl friend was complaining that I care more about programming than her.

I told her,

"Trust me baby, in the array of my interests you are [1]."

She was satisfied.

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

‘It’s obscene!’, she yells. The receptionist goes up to her room and says, ‘Well ma’am, you can’t see anything from your window except the man’s head.’

No...

Don't complain about Microsoft skipping Windows 9.

They've never been able to count. They came out with Microsoft DOS without ever releasing Microsoft UNO.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a safe place for whiny people who complain a lot?

An O-bitch-uary

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is

losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it i...

What did Snow White complain after staying for a month with the dwarves?

"I'd rather have a 7 inch one time than one inch 7 times"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married guy is complaining to his friend:

“I’ve been having sex with my wife lately, but she’s been making me pay for it like a hooker!”

“How much is she charging you?”

“$50 each time!”

“Damn, that’s a great deal! She’s been charging me $200!!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife complains to me about constantly being sexually harassed at work​

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office

I don’t understand why people are complaining about the price of gas…

I went to get $10 of gas and it still cost exactly $10.

A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.

He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.

"This is an outrage!"

The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.

"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 thi...

A man was complaining to a friend……..

"I had it all - money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!"
"What happened?," asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

I don’t know why so many people complain about quitting smoking. It’s super easy to do.

I’ve done it 11 times.

Putins complaining about all the Land he has to try hard to annex

Oh Crimea river

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter was complaining about her boyfriend’s penis

So I told her to learn to appreciate the little things in life

Mum's complaining about the cost to pump up her tyres at the garage

Well, that's inflation for you

I complained about the temperature at work for a month...

And then one day a maintenance person showed me where the thermostat was and how to open it up, set temps, and diagnose basic issues... Told me not to set it below 70 for too long though or she'd lock me back out again. This work from home office staff is really rude.

Why did the frog complain to the manager at a restaurant?

There wasn't a fly in his soup

My wife complained to me that our neighbor brings HIS wife flowers and chocolates but I don't do anything like that....

So now I bring my neighbors flowers and chocolates

As I rolled over from my date and pulled off the condom, she complained " Is that it ? "

" since we did doggie position, i would count it as 14 minutes"

A father goes complaining to the teacher about his son bad grades.

The father is angry, "there is no way my sons failed his math exam, i can avail myself that he was more than capable when he left home" he argues, "I'd being with him 4 hours straight for the last 4 weeks, he is more than ready for the test, you can have him answer any math related question right he...

Man goes to confession, complaining of hearing voices

"Father, everyday I hear a voice telling me how bad I am, and chastising me for all the things I've done wrong in my life. Am I possessed?"

"No", says the priest, "just married".

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her.

Or something like that...

My 6 year old daughter has been complaining about monsters under her bed for ages.

It seemed cute and funny at the beginning but it's been twenty minutes now, and I'm wondering if I should just crawl out already.

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The orange juice complained to his therapist that no one wanted to drink him because he had too much pulp.

He was so depressed that he wanted to throw himself from the highest refrigerated shelf.

“Try to restrain yourself,” said the therapist.

my wife complains that i don't buy her flowers

to be honest, i didn't know she sold flowers

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.

The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"

"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested o...

Incredibly Fat lady and her Super Fat husband complained at me for standing in line for all of 5 minutes.

"Sorry about the weight."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

Prisoner complains to guard as he first arrives at prison:

Even the judge knows I'm being imprisoned for a crime I never committed!

Guard: What you in for?

Prisoner: Attempted murder.

OC

What’s the difference between the people who complain about the jokes here and a puppy?

Eventually, the puppy will grow up and not whine as much.

I wrote this joke just for this sub, because people wrongly complain there are never any original jokes here: What's a ferrous particle's favorite constellation?

*Ore-ion*

A man recently bought himself a new Lada, but a couple of days later he's back at the dealership complaining about the performance.

The salesman who sold him the car asks him about the specifics.



"Come outside," said the man, "and I'll show you what I mean." So they go outside, and the man points to a hill just further down the road. "You see that hill there? Every time I go up there, I can't get past 40."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife lose interest in having...

Sex. The doctor gives him a flask and warned: "Put only 5 drops in her drink, but no more than 5 understand? Its very strong". In the night, before the wife come home from work, the man make dinner and a couple drinks. He put the 5 drops on her glass but then he thinks: "Was too long since the last ...

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry.

In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

My wife always complains that I always leave cabinet doors open.

I will make a great ghost!

Guy Goes To The Dr. Complaining Of Headaches

The doc tells him, "When I get headaches I go home and just grab my wife and we make mad passionate love."

Guy comes back the next week and the doc asks how it worked out. The guy says, "Great! Best advice I ever had.", then adds, " By the way doc, you got a nice house."

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The physician says that the patient will need a rectal exam.

The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Peter"

The patient says, "My name isn't Peter"

The doctor says, "Mine is"

There a man in the Soviet Union who always complained about the constant shortages

One day the KGB went to the apartment he lived and arrested him. The occupant of the apartment knew that he was gonna die so they didn't make a fuss out of it. But after a week much to the apartment's occupant surprise, the man returned relatively unharmed except for some bruises so the occupant ask...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my wife was complaining to me about how little men listen to women.

I told her that I could prove even random men listened to her better than women. Sure that her opinion would prevail, she happily went with me to the mall where we could find the most people.



After asking a question to 5 men and 5 women, all of the men answered immediately. All of th...

I hate it when people complain about overused jokes. Let other people have fun, there’s no such thing as an overused joke.

Except for your mom.

My friend was complaining about her boyfriend.

my friend was complaining about her boyfriend not being able to satisfy her.

i told her i was sending good vibes her way.

the ones with 8 settings and a suction cup that can un-dent a car.

A man goes to the doctor to complain about chest pain.

The doctor asks him "Do you eat apples?", to which the man replies "Yes, one every day." The doctor takes a step back. "I'm sorry, you're on your own."

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes into the doctor’s office complaining his penis has turned orange.

A man comes into the doctor’s office complaining his penis has turned orange. The doctor runs a multitude of tests but can find nothing wrong. Baffled, the doctor asks the man what’s been going on in his life, thinking external factors may have something to do with his colored appendage.

Man:...

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my husband that I was trying to kill him & no one would be able to convict me but he’s not complaining.

It’s the southern way of killing men. Cooking and baking. Real butter, whole milk, Crisco, bacon fat, and my deadly kitchen skills. His time is limited.

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings while she is golfing.

The pro asks: “where’d you get stung?”

“Between the first and second hole”, she answers.

The pro replied: “your stance is too wide”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from...

...knee pains.

“Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?”,

asked the doctor.

“Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style.”

“I see,” said the doctor. “You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?”

“Not ...

A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly.

In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says,

“What a hideous baby.”

“I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life,” the man says, and

hurries to the train conductor to complain.

“I’m so sorry, sir,” the train conductor says, when the man tells her
he wa...

In the 70s...

A Russian asks for a meeting with the President

\- I would like a passport and a visa to Belgium - asks the Russian man

\- But aren't you fine in Russia? - asks the president

\- Hm, really, I can't complain

\- So, maybe you don't like your work there?

\- Hm, reall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

A man goes to the doctor, complaining about numbness in his arm.

The doctor prescribes him a bottle of pills.

"Tomorrow morning, take 1 pill from this bottle. The day after that, take 2 pills, then 3 the next day and so on." The doctor tells the man.

Several days later, the man comes back panicking.

"Doctor, you gotta help me! I took twice as...

a man goes to a doctor...

A man goes to his doctor complaining that his girlfriend is pregnant notwithstanding their use of condoms and them never breaking.

The doctor says:

*"Let me tell you a story. There once was a hunter, who always carried his gun with him. One day, he accidentally grabbed his umbrella ins...

I’m tired of my friend complaining about missing one piece of his 10k puzzle…

If he thinks that’s bad, I’m missing 9999 pieces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

My wife complained she wished someone other than her would do some dusting.

Crop dusting evidently is not what she had in mind.

My wife keeps complaining about how I don't love any of her relatives.

So I told her that isn't true. I said "I love your mother in law more than I love mine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman complained to her friend she had a sore throat!

The friend replied: “Whenever I have a sore throat, I just give my husband a blow job and the soreness goes away!”

They meet the next day, and the woman says:” I took your advice! You were right, the soreness disappeared immediately! Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

Why does everyone complain about reposts?

Because they've already reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

Two managers were complaining about how stupid their employees were.

Manager A: The other day, I told Joe, "Here's $100. Go buy a car for me." And he said ok and left. It's $100! Where are you going to find a car being sold for $100?

Manager B: That's nothing. The other day, I told Moe, "Hey, go to my house and check if I'm home." And he said ok and left. Ob...

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.

"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks to his neighbour's house to complain about the noise

He knocks and a kid comes out



The man asks the kid where his dad is the kid tells him "In the shower"




The man then asks where his mom is to which he replies "In the shower"




Then man then says "When the fuck are they coming out then it's been all...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.

"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked.

She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Lover

A man got married to a hot (unknown to him, vampire) woman and took her out for dinner. The next day she was very ill and complained of chest pains, then she vomited fire and the bathroom burned down.

"What did you feed her" asked his friend.

He said that his dish was garlic shrimp. He...

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.

“How bad is it?” the doctor asks.

“I have no idea.” the husband says.

“Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something.

If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing....

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

A young couple is on their shoestring budget honeymoon.

They arrive at their hotel which is right next to the train tracks. The woman lies down to rest while her husband goes out to grab something to eat.


No sooner does the woman lie down in bed, then a train thunders by, shaking the room so much that she is knocked out of bed.

She imm...

A man goes to the doctor with a litany of complaints...

After a thorough examination, the doctor comes out to speak to his wife. "There's nothing too serious with your husband, he just needs to reduce his stress. Just don't complain to him, make him some nice meals, give him massages, and make love to him daily and he will be fine". The wife returns to h...

No rooms available in the city

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager,

\- “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

\- “Well, I do have a double room wi...

The pickup artist

A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, despite being known as a pickup artist I haven't had any luck with the ladies lately," he complains to the bartender. "It's probably because you spend all your time over there in a booth drawing pictures of F-150s," the bartender says.

A man goes to his veterinarian and complains, "I think my goldfish is having seizures."

"He seems fine now," the doctor replies. "Yeah," the man says, "but just wait until I take him out of the bowl."

I complained to my maths teacher that it was too cold in the classroom

He told me to stand in the corner.

Because the coner is 90 degrees

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

My wife keeps complaining about having a headache that won't go away.

I keep telling her that I have a name.

A man joins a monastery where you may only speak once a year

After the first year he says to the head monk "food sucks".
After the second year he says "bed is hard"
After the 3rd year he says "I quit".

The head monk says " I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here".

What advice did the doctor give when the TV screen came in complaining about its condition?

Just monitor it.

Russian acrobats shouldn't have tried to complain when the guy at the base of the human pyramid, quit for no reason.

They didn't have Oleg to stand on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbours are complaining about my loud groans during sex in the mornings.If . . .

they only knew its me putting my socks on!

So I was eating out at a steak house the other night when some guy complained that the sign said Halal...

He said his beef should be killed the **American way**, to that all I could think is does he really expect a cow to enrol in a high school just to get shot by one of its peers?

Which month do wives complain the least?

February because it has fewer days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just...

I uploaded a picture of a walnut but people complained that it was too blurry.

Now I have to deal with the nut post clarity.

A young couple walks into the doctors office.

The wife start complaining to the doc: "look, we have been married for three weeks but he hasn't even tried to touch me downthere". The doc says "well we'll fix that, please strip down and lay overthere" the doc turns to the man and tells him to watch closely.
While the man watches, the doc give...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Wel...

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,

I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler, Stalin, and Napolean are complaining in the afterlife...

Hitler whines "if I had Russian oil, I would have flattened Moscow."

Stalin replies "if I had the German Lufftwaffe, I would have taken over all of Europe."

Then Napolean says "if I had Russian and German propaganda nobody would know I had lost."

Not a knee-slapper, but it's pro...

blonde goes to the doctor office

She is complaining her entire body hurts. The doctor asks her the point to where it hurts. The blonde starts touching all over her body wincing in pain every time. Doctor says "maam its not your body. You have a broken finger".

Pregnant woman on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly am...

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

Telegraph Operators once complained to Morse how some of his codes were confusing and needs to be revised.

But he had no remorse.

My girlfriend is always complaining about how I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

Blarney

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good lu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"

Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"

They all turn to grea...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into his favorite neighborhood bar and is shocked to see that all the dart boards are now hanging from the ceiling. "This is ridiculous!" he complains to the bartender. "It really makes me want to throw up."

An old man.....

An old man limped into a doctors office and said, "Doctor, my left knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor, slowly eyed him from head to toe, and asked, "Sir, how old are you?"

The old man replied that he was 98.

The doctor, just sighed, and said to the old man, "Sir, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

A guy walks into a bar and has several beers while he complains to the bartender about his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"I was a complete idiot when I married her," the guy laments to the bartender. "Probably," the bartender agrees. "But I suppose she was in love at the time and didn't notice right off."

There’s three things I absolutely hate

People that can’t count, and complainers

How's life in Russia?

They can't complain

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

A friend was complaining about Italians. “Damn those Italians and their slanted eyes!”, he said.

I replied, “I think you mean *italics*.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went into the cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest looking thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie. After taking the first bite, I called the owner over. "This is cold!", I complained..

"Well of course it is." She replied, "I live fucking miles away."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is all about perspective. Take my friend for example...

...The guy has sex at least twice a week. He works out like everyday. He reads a book at least every few days... but the guy is constantly complaining to me about hiw bad prison is.

A drunk German was arrested in the middle of the street in Las Vegas

He complained to the judge that the police officer arrested him because he was "European".

The judge replied, "Sir, he said 'You were peeing!'"

A woman sees her doctor complaining about chest pains.

The doctor prescribed her some testosterone pills to help strengthen her heart muscle and warned of the expected side effects.

A few weeks later the woman returns for a follow up appointment complaining of hair growth in unusual places.

When the doctor re-assured that this was to be ex...

The rest of my class complained when we were told we're getting the Classical Civilisation class, but I don't understand why.

It's such an interesting topic. I've always wanted to learn about my parents' childhood.

My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things...

"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives (copied joke)

The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."

The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."

The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carrie...

I would complain about Green Day...

But you don't have the time to listen to me whine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

Women complain why the word Mankind has the word MEN in it...

What about HERpes?

Have you heard of that rapper who always complains about being single on Reddit?

I think his name was... Post-Alone?

My teenage kids complained about how terrible I am as a father!

I'm surprised they remembered me, they were only 3 when I sold them!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and complains, that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him anymore.

The next day, the doctor calls her in to hear her story. She explains: You know, our car was stolen 7 months ago. My husband cannot afford a new one, so I need to take the taxi every day. But as I don't have any money, the taxi driver always asks: “So are you going to pay today finally or what?“ So ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Monk

A man joins a monastery and is told he will have to take a vow of silence, and can only speak two words to the High Council every ten years on a special holy day.

He agrees, and spends ten years in contemplation. On the holy day he is seated before the council and says "Food bland". And goes ...

My dad and I were in a field husking corn

Years ago we were out in the cornfield. Then I start complaining about somebody for a bit.

My dad: you know you shouldn't say those things about them in this field

Me: why?

My dad: there's a lot of ears out here

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cruise ship was attacked by a group of pirates. All the men were captured, including the captain. One day he complained to the pirates.

Captain: I haven't had sex for weeks. I need a woman please.

Pirates: You can try the barrel with a small hole drilled through it downstairs. It feels just like having sex with a woman.

Captain: Seriously?

The captain, feeling skeptical, went downstairs anyway for the barrel. Af...

I'm tired of people complaining...

$5 for parking, $3 for coat check, $10 for a martini. I'm not inviting them to my house anymore.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.