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A wife who was a bit of a nag died suddenly after 25 years Of marriage. . .

On the day of the funeral the pall bearers were carrying the coffin followed by the grieving husband. They were leaving the church after the service when one of them slipped a bit knocking the coffin into the corner of a wall and jarring it rather suddenly. A moment after they did so, they began to...

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One day, a long long time ago, there lived a woman who did not wine, nag, or bitch...

But that was a long time ago,

and It was just one day.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation

Years ago, when one could actually enjoy travel, a man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped bac...

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

My wife is always nagging.

I remembered to bring the stroller, the diaper bag, even an extra set of clothes.

But al she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Good news! This month your wife will nag you less

Nothing related to astrology....

Because this month has only 28 days

Every time I have a beer, my wife keeps nagging me and telling me I drink too much

I mean come on, who needs to hear that nine times a day?

Frank the farmer had a nagging wife

She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day while in the field, Frank's wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.
Suddenly, Frank's old donkey kick...

A Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on h...

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.

Women, please don't nag your men about fixing the problems around the house. If we promise to fix them, we'll do so.

You don't have to remind us every two months.

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A married couple is fighting

A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don’t want you in this house anymore, pack your shit and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, “I hope you die a slow and painful death you ...

My friend threw away some Nag Champa I bought for them claiming to be allergic to it.

I feel like they are very incense-itive.

What do you say to a man whose wife of 20 years has stopped nagging and complaining?

I am sorry for your loss.

A 5 year old boy nags and nags his mother to get him a horse.

He is relentless until she figures out a compromise, she gets him a stick horse. He is disappointed, but soon he and the stick horse bond, the boy teaches his horse to walk, trot, gallop and to neck rein. On the first day back to school after summer vacation the boy rides his horse to school. He ...

My wife would always nag me to do the gardening..

Eventually I had to put that hoe in the ground.

Dave Ja Vu

The nagging feeling that somehow, all of this has happened before.


To Dave.

This guy had a magic door

This guy had a magic door in his house. Whenever he wanted he could open the door and step into a magic world where he was the only human in. Since he was alone in this magic world he was like the king and he could do whatever he wanted to. There was no wife to throw chores at him, no kids nagging a...

What's the name of the superhero that stops crimes by nagging the evil-doers?

Chider-Man.

The farmer's nagging wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out p...

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The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

A farmer has a nagging wife

His wife is so nagging that he’d rather be out in the field. One day, he’s plowing the field with his donkey but his wife brings him lunch. He is really happy and they start having a conversation. Well, it doesn’t take long before the wife starts to nag about something. Finally, the donkey raises hi...

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An old lady nags her husband into going to the doctor for a physical

The doctor says, "Well sir, you haven't had a check up in a long time, so I'll need samples of your blood, your urine, your stool, and your semen."

The old guy is hard of hearing, and says, "WHAT???"

His wife says, "Give the doctor your underwear!"

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Two guys are out drinking late. One turns to the other and says "I'm going to hate going home. No matter how quietly I sneak into bed, my wife wakes up and starts nagging me". Other guy turns to him and says "I don't have that problem"

I come home, flip on the lights and yell "Honey! I'm home! Let's Fuck!" and she always pretends she's fast asleep.

How did the Roman feel when he cannibalized his nagging wife?

Glad-he-ater

What did the large reptile say to her child when it kept nagging her to listen to the song “Chandelier?”

We will listen to Sia later alligator.

I have this nagging feeling.

It starts right when I wake up, but it usually stops when she goes to bed.

A man left for work one Friday morning

but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade befitting his actions. ...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

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We finally drove somewhere without my wife nagging on my driving for the first time ever.

It was in a hearse on the way to her funeral.

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

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After a long day at work, I come home to my nagging wife.

"The sink's leaking, fix it," she says. "I'm not a plumber," I say. "The electric's broken, fix it," she says. "I'm not an electrician," I say. She stomps off in a huff.

The next day, I come home from work again and... everything's fixed! "What happened?" I ask her. "I got a man in to do it,"...

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A Jew is riding in a streetcar in Germany during the early days of the Third Reich.

He is reading reading a Nazi newspaper, the Volkische Beobachter. A non-Jewish acquaintance sits down next to him and says, "Why on earth are you reading that garbage? It’s so virulently anti-Semitic!” “Look, friend," says the Jew, "I get up early and work hard in a factory all day. When I get home,...

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Ok so my mum nags me a lot

So my mum nags me a lot and before we were going out she told me to put my socks on and i got pissed off so i said "you don't need to tell me to put my fucking socks on". then my dad comes out with "no just put your regular socks on.

My friend kept nagging me to donate one of my prepositions to charity.

Eventually, I gave in.

I need help translating my 11 month old's joke

"Dya nag nag da Mya gad... UH OH!" Followed by enormous laughter. Thanks for any help

My wife's been nagging me to see the dentist about a tooth extraction.

She says getting me to go is like pulling teeth.

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

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an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

100% True Story - Funniest Thing That Ever Happened to Me

Not long after my younger son was born I left the Army and, not having a new job to go to and my wife having a great job, I looked after the house and my two boys for some years.

When my older son started school, we would walk home together and discuss what he'd learned and talk about life. ...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For l...

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Little Johnny is late to school one day.

When he finally enters the class huffing and puffing, the teacher says curtly, "Little Johnny, you're almost an hour late for school. Would you please tell your classmates why you're late today, and why your time is more precious than all of ours?"

Little Johnny can't believe the teacher has ...

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Three guys are sitting at the bar

The bartender asks them, "What's the matter with you guys?"

The first guy says, "My wife's always complaining and nagging. She's always on my case about not buying her new clothes...but at least I get to see this prostitute every night. The sex is great and it's only a quarter per thrust."...

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A man is walking by a bar one evening

When he sees a sign in the window with the words “FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!”
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:

“Hey, you’ve got a sign out there talking about free beer, what’s that all about?”

(The bartender)”Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...

Adam was hanging around the Ga

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be awoman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, sh...

My Native American friend from work invites me home to meet his wife.

When we arrived at his house his wife appeared in full traditional dress, she looked stunning. My friend introduced me and said *”I’d like you to meet my wife, five horses.”* I commented what a beautiful name that was and asked what the significance was?

*”Quite simple”* really he replied, *...

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where...

Entitled Parent Joke

So I was at a restaurant with my family and this woman came up with a child. She looked about 40 with blonde hair. The child looked about 5 with also blonde hair. The child was crying at the time and the woman started to nag at us. Apparently, the child wanted a dessert and, lucky for us, we were th...

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

A farmer had an argument with his wife

and she brought her mother to live with them. After 3 weeks of nagging, the mother in law went out one morning to the barn to the donkey stall. She was picking up the straw, and saw a spider. She shrieked, and the alarmed donkey kicked her in the head and killed her.

All the farmer's neighbou...

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...

The Husband Store

So a new store opened up in town where women can go and find the love of their lives. There are some rules though:

1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor,...

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

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A man is drinking with his friend at a bar, he drinks too much and ends up puking all over his shirt

He starts freaking out and tells his friend, “ I can’t go home like this, my wife’s been nagging me about my drinking and she’ll lose it”,
His friend says “don’t worry, I’m going to put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket, tell your wife you had one drink but the guy next to you overdid it and puked ...

There's a ruckus in the neighborhood

On one side you hear the nagging of a Woman
On the other, you hear a dog barking


Which should you let in first?


The dog, because he'll stop once he gets inside.

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

Harold lived on a farm and his wife,Mabel, who was always sort of nagging him. And every year the carnival roll into town and have these $50 helicopter rides. He always wanted to take one of these helicopter rides but his wife told him they weren’t going to waste money on it. Then one year when they...

Old man goes to a doctor...

Old man, well into his eighties, goes to a doctor for a regular checkup.

The doctor examines him, makes several tests, looks at him and he can't believe what he sees. He says:

"Old man, this can't be true! You're old, but you're healthy as a teenager. No hypertension, no elevated sugar...

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office...

... wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"...

A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the hospital.

The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife.

He said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress. If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very short time."

The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"

The doctor said, "You must provide a str...

Talking Frog.

A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up. '

...

One day, the monks at a monastery decided they need to raise money.

Friar Tuck decided to start a florist's shop. It was a success! All the villagers nearby loved to buy flowers from the men of God. All except one, that is. The local florist. He was getting run out of business by the monks. He went to the Friar and asked him to close their shop, but they refused....

Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T...

When I was married to my first wife, sometimes she would borrow my car.

She would nag about every little thing, all the time.


So, one day, she found a cigarette in my car.


She knew that I had given up smoking and immediately assumed that it MUST belong to “my girlfriend.”


Here she comes, waving it in my face as if she just caught me red ...

A farmer was sitting by a tree with his horse

As his wife approaches she's irritated and nagging about something and just as she stands there the horse kicks her and kills her on the spot.

A funeral is held and afterwards everybody comes up to the widower one by one shaking his hand and saying a few words. The priest notices how the wido...

The visit to Jerusalem

Mr Goldman & his nagging wife of 30 years once went on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. Through out the plane ride, down to the taxi ride to the hotel she nagged him persistently.
While in bed , the nagging continued. The next day Mr Goldberg woke up to discover his wife had died peacefully in her...

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The South American Cocksucking Iguana

A man is having problems with his wife. She's constantly nagging at him and he always seems to be in the dog house.


After a particularly big fight, he begins to drive around aimlessly. He passes a pet store and is seized by a brilliant idea. He'll get a pet for his wife! Maybe it will mak...

No Respect

A manager of a company used to boss around. He often nagged at his staff members and insisted that they should show him more respect.

One morning, he brought a sign that read" I AM THE BOSS" and hung it on his office door.

Later, he returned after his lunch break only to find a taped n...

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A man is in a terrible marriage

his wife is a nag, they fight all the time, and the fire has gone out. He goes to a pet store to look for a companion. He's thinking a dog would be good company, but the man behind the counter comes up to him, recognizing the despair the customer is in.

"Hey buddy, I have just the thing for y...

Farmer Joe was in an accident with a truck.

After putting up with nagging injuries for a couple of weeks, he decided to take the driver to court. During the trial, the driver's lawyer questioned Farmer Joe sharply, "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe replied, "Well I'll tell you what happened at the ac...

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A very quiet man married a naggy wife

He's a good provider and makes a lot of money as a farmer. Despite giving her everything she wants, she still complains and nags him everyday. Years into the marriage, he starts to feel fed up being nagged by the wife. One day he took his wife to his farm and pushed her into a 10 foot deep hole. Fro...

There was 3 boys living with their grandfather deep in an Asian jungle.

One day, their grandfather asked them to accompany the grouchy old lady that lived nearby them while she walked out to town. Before they left, their grandfather said, "Behave and remember all that I have have taught you."

As they walked the old lady nagged and nagged. She complained about eve...

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Original Jokes.

A man is speeding down the beach road in Nags Head, NC when a seagull smashes into his windshield. He gets it stuck in the wiper blades trying to get it off, and eventually a cop comes up behind him and hits the cherries and berries. At that moment the seagull flips off the guy's car and smashes int...

A husband and wife of many years travels to Israel.. [Long]

The wife is an extreme nagger that cannot stop nagging all through out their trip until suddenly she dies of a heart attack. The government official that assists the grieving husband says to him, "It will cost you about $5000 to transport your wife's remains back to the US, while it will cost you on...

Champ, the much-loved pub mascot.

Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a b...

Husband takes his wife to the pub

A nagging wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. Same as you I suppose," she replies.

The husband orders a couple of straight whiskies and throws his down in o...

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Man goes to buy a house

a man goes to buy a house, and he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like it is everything he coud want, big, cheap and great view. when they arrive to the bathroom th...

An old couple go shopping...

... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims "that's ridiculous!" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into he...

An angry man makes pots for a living.

He works all day in his pottery making pots. When he leaves, he slams the door and grumbles home.

At home he demands his dinner, and then reads the paper. Every night his loving wife nags him that his temper will get him in trouble.

Sure enough one day on his way home he bumps into a w...

The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed,

The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed, for years, it was terrible. His wife suffered greatly and kept nagging him to do something about his indigestion, often saying, “One day, Trevor, your horrible farting is going to force your guts right out!”

The husband only made f...

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A rancher is kidnapped by the local tribe of natives.

The chief decides the rancher should be executed and his ranch looted, but gives the rancher 3 days to make his peace and one request per day.

On the first day, the rancher requests his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse darts off and returns at sunset with a beautiful, blonde woman. Th...

Would you remarry?

John and Margaret; A married couple, are sitting at the breakfast table one Sunday morning when the wife asks,

"John, if I were to die, would you get remarried?"

John is bewildered and clearly upset,

"Now why would you ask a thing like that, Margaret? We're sitting here havin...

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Tom and his buddy got drunk

Tom took it too far and puked on his shirt.
"Oh no! My wife will kill me she hates when i drink"
"Dont worry. Take this 20$ bill and tell her someone else puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning."

So it was done.

Tom went home and his wife starts nagging and screamin...

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A programmer is going to the grocery store

... and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen."

So the programmer goes, buys a gallon of milk and a dozen eggs because he is not a fucking robot.

When he gets home, his wife proceeds to nag him for not buying 12 gallons of milk.

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

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Two guys were leaving the strip club...

Jim and John were out of one dollar bills, and it was very late.

"Oh no", John say's - "the wife is gonna kill me. When I'm out too late, I park a block away, take me shoes off in the drive way, use my oiled key in the lock, take off my clothes in the living room, tip-toe upstairs, hold my ...

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Jeff the Bellboy

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The ...

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