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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of ...

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultima...

Professor Martins at the University was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

This day one of his students was perturbed because he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

The profe...

Donald Trump didn't perturb the apparent wildebeest when he shot at them.

Fake gnus.

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A performer finishes their act and gets a standing ovation.

Everyone in the theatre is clapping. Except one guy. He's just standing there with his arms folded.

Later that evening, the perturbed performer finds the man in the lobby and confronts him about his standing no-vation.

"You are mistaken, I was indeed clapping. When I see brilliance, ...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

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Old man and the IRS

There was this old man in his 80's, that got a letter from the IRS telling him to contact them immediately.

He calls and the IRS agent and is told he needs to come to his office regarding some irregularities with his account.

The old man thought about it and decided he should bring h...

When Noah's Ark settled safely after the flood, he opened the doors and commanded the animals, “Go forth and multiply."

All the animals departed from the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaimed again, “Go forth and multiply,” but the snakes stayed put. Perturbed, Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”

*“We can’t multiply. We’re Adders.”*

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Dude storms into bar with a pistol firing shots

"Im looking for the man whos been fuckin my wife!!" Says the dude.

Of all the perturbed patrons, only the old drunk in the corner replied with, "you aint got enough bullets!"

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however,...

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

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A woman goes to a gynaecologist...

... and she’s lying there with her legs spread wide while the gynaecologist quietly examines her.

She says “is everything ok down there?”

The gynaecologist says “I’ve never seen such an enormous vagina, enormous vagina!”

Perturbed, the woman says “You don’t have to say it twice....

A Jewish woman, Mrs. Babs Goldstein, has a problem with kleptomania.

She is brought before the court for stealing. The magistrate asks her, "So, what did you steal, Mrs. Goldstein?"

"Oh your honor... it was *just* a can of peaches."

"*Just* a can of peaches, you say," says the magistrate, somewhat perturbed. "Hmmm.... How many peaches would you guess we...

Eric went to tug his son in bed one night and hear his son praying...

"Dear God, please take care of my Grandpapa's soul". Eric didn't think much of it. The very next day, his wife's father dies of a heart attack. Eric was a little perturbed, but didn't think much of it.

A month later, little Johnny prayed "Dear God, please take care of my teacher's soul.". Su...

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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator..

..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew ...

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The New Gynecologist

One morning, it's time for Karen's yearly checkup on her "lady parts." She drives to the Gynecologist, is shown into an examination room, and prepares for the exam. To her mild upset, her usual Doctor isn't there.

"What happened to Dr. Michaels?"

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mrs. Lewis...

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An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo...

They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit.

Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the c...

A man rubs a lamp and a genie pops out...

The genie tells the man that he can make three wishes, but the only condition is that whatever he gets, his ex wife will get double.

Perturbed but accepting the offer, he wishes for a large mansion. POOF! He has a large mansion, but sure enough, his ex wife gets two.

For his second w...

A horse and a chick are playing in a meadow...

After a time, the horse gets stuck in the mud. Frantic, he tells the chick to run to the farm and get the farmer to pull him out.

The chick runs as fast as her little legs will carry her and reaches the farm to find the farmer is nowhere to be seen. She finds an open window into the farmhous...

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Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.

As they finish the little man is stil...

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So this young man was born without any ears...

Despite his disability, he worked hard and eventually became the hiring manager for a large corporation. One day he is interviewing candidates for a position. Always self-conscious, he asks first candidate "so, do you notice anything strange about me?" The candidate right away replies, "well of cou...

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The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.

First he goes to the French and says:

"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"

"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"

"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
...

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A man walks into a pub and sits on a stool at the bar.

The bartender asks him, "Would you like a drink?"

The man says, "Thank you, I'll have a scotch and soda."

The bartender serves the man his drink and says, "That'll be four-fifty."

The man looked surprised. "Four-fifty what?"

"Four dollars and fifty cents. That's the pr...

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A man goes into an ice cream store...

The man asks for a sugar cone with a scoop of chocolate.

The counter man says "I'm sorry sir, but we are out of chocolate."

"Oh, I see" says the man. "Well, in that case, I'll just have a a cup of ice cream, no cone."

"No problem" the counter guy replies "What flavor?"

"...

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A joke told by Ronald Reagan

Fidel Castro had just started one of his long, boring speeches when an older man in the crowd was heard saying, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."

Castro didn't break his stride but a few minutes later, a second voice was heard but with the same message, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."
...

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Four nuns in line for confession

The first nun enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned. I saw a man's penis. It was by accident and it'll never happen again."
The priest says "Say 10 hail marys and wash your eyes with holy water."

After she leaves, the second nun comes in and says "Bless me fa...

Guy goes to a brothel... (NSFW)

He chooses a girl and they retreat to a room. He goes down on her. A moment later, he lifts his head and spits out a mouthful of corn. A bit perturbed, he resumes anyway. A moment later, he bolts up and spits out a mouthful of carrot bits. Now he's pretty freaked out, but still he resumes. Fin...

Prom

The "geeky" kid in the grade asked the "hot" girl to the prom. Much to his and everyone's surprise, she said yes. While there, she knows she can get him to do anything. And so upon seeing the long buffet line, she asked him to go get her a plate of food. He happily agrees, and while he's gone to get...

A Russian, British, and American soldier are talking...

...about rations.

The Russian says, "Glorious motherland send her best soldiers 2,000 calories a day! Is feast for grateful soldiers!"

The Brit chuckles and says "Well old chap, the dear Queen does send her finest fighting men 3,000 calories a day, so I'm quite afraid we have you beat...

Luke Skywalker went to the Jedi temple

Obi-Wan Kenobi's force ghost materialized and noticed that Master Luke seemed perturbed, and so asked him what the matter was.

Luke replied "Ben, my life outside the Jedi Order is in shambles. It's mainly my marriage. It started off great, but something's changed in recent times. Drastical...

A rabbi on the links on Yontiff

It was a balmy day for the highest of the Holy Days, Yom Kippur and seated on a cloud were Moses and Jesus, enjoying the weather when suddenly Jesus spotted a familiar figure on the golf course just about to tee off. Turning to Moses " Hey Moshe, isn't that Rabbi Goldstein playing golf on Yontiff?" ...

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The curious doctor

I haven't seen this one here so hopefully it's not a repost...

A man goes in for a physical and when he drops his pants for the hernia check the doctor sees the patients balls are brown. Concerned, the doctor asks politely "Sir, did you know your balls are brown?"

Perturbed, the patien...

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A man goes to Spain to see a bullfight.

After the fight, he heads to a restaurant nearby, where the waiter offers him to try their special: *cojones*. The man, although hesitant, accepts and ends up having a delicious meal. Having never *cojones* before, he asks the waiter what it is. "Well, sir," the waiter replies, "after the fight, if...

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great bec...

Heavenly Justice

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a...

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A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink when all of a sudden.....

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink when all of a sudden a large Asian man comes up and hits him off his stool. He says "What the fuck man?" and the Asian man replies "That was a karate chop from Japan"

The man, although perturbed, lets it go and returns to his stool to finish his dri...

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[NSFW] [LONG] A 5 year old boy is watching his dad work on the car with his neighbor Bob

The boy asks "daddy, what does it sound like when bird sees another bird?"

The father drops a wrench "tweet tweet tweet. I'm working junior."

Father and Bob go back to working on the car. The little boy's eyes perk up.

"Daddy, what do dogs say when they are happy to see a...

Donald Trump and Putin walk into a bar.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin walk into a bar
They approach the bar and take a seat. The bartender, raising his eyebrow questions, " Good afternoon Mister president, what brings you in this fine afternoon?"
"I just made the yuuuugest arms deal in history today with Saudi Arabia and this gre...

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A sex-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...

He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations. From now on I want you to call male-to-female procedures "misterectomies".

The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures...

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2 of Them

A bloke is pottering about in his garage,changing his fan belt on his car,when little Johnny from next door walks in and say's "do ya mind if I watch ya Mr?"

"No not at all" replies the bloke and gets a spanner from his toolbox.

Little Johnny say's "My dad's got 2 of them ya know!"
...

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Can't get this song out of my head...

A man is diligently at work when he realizes he's been humming "What's New, Pussycat?" for the last several hours. As he starts thinking about it, he realizes he has a hard time thinking of anything else.

Perturbed, he goes back to work and after a long day of accomplishing little, goes home...

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A scientist is studying a trained frog.

This frog has been trained to jump on command. Any time it hears the phrase "Jump, frog, jump!" it leaps with all its might.
The scientist prepares a scalpel, sewing kit, and measuring tape and begins his experiment; he says "Jump, frog, jump!" and as soon as the frog hears his voice, it jumps....

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A man hears a loud, rhythmic thumping on his walk home...

He turns around to see what is causing the commotion, and the sound immediately stops. Seeing nothing but a large casket, and rather confused, he continues on his way home.
Though he is sure there is nothing causing the racket, he is convinced he is still hearing the noise. The man cleans his ear...

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A Spaniard, a Frenchman, and an American are on a rain-forest expedition...

When suddenly, out of nowhere, they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The chief of the tribe has the men brought before him.

"Our tribe has lasted for many, many seasons." he says, "Mainly due to our chiefs being able to make changes to benefit our tribe. I have decided that during **my**...

A couple is about to give birth

The doctor tells the couple to be about an experimental new machine that can help with the pain of labor. The device will allow the mother to transfer some of the pain over to the father of the child.

The labor begins, and the wife begins clenching the husbands hand. She shouts it too much, ...

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