UPJOKE
uneasynervouseagerfearangryunquietdyingsocial anxietyangsttroubledneuroticismworryfearfulworriedapprehensive

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On my first day of flying lessons, I looked down anxiously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I...

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I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

My socially anxious friend got a PhD in palindromes.

He now goes by the title 'Dr Awkward'.

A man is waiting anxiously outside the Labour ward. The doctor comes out with a grim expression and hands him a baby, saying “I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.”

The man hands the baby back and says “well, bring me the one my wife made.”

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

What did the anxious cow say to themself to keep moving forward.

It's just one step in front of the udder.

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A guy meets his friend and notices that he's anxious and jittery.

Man 1: What's wrong?

Man 2: I've been having a bad day.

Man 1: What happened?

Man 2: When I opened my door, the damn knob broke on me!

When I turned my faucet on, the damn faucet broke on me!

When I tried to pick up my briefcase, the damn handle broke on me!
...

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

I get anxious whenever I have to use the default Microsoft web browser

Using Firefox helps take the *Edge* off.

As I sat anxiously in the waiting area, one of the surgeons opened the door, walked over and gave me the terrible news. I almost broke into tears immediately.

"It's time for your dentist appointment," she said.

Why was the director's wife constantly anxious in public?

Because her husband was always making a scene.

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

I hosted an orgy for the socially anxious.

Nobody came.

I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.

An avid football fan was at the game, seated in a first row seat on the 50 yard line anxiously awaiting the opening kickoff. The seat next to him was empty...

A man sitting further back in the stands, noticed the empty seat, so he got out of his seat and went down to talk with the guy. He asked if anyone was sitting in the empty seat. The guy said, "Nope, it's empty".

In total disbelief, The other guy said, "WHAT?? Who would leave the best seat ...

Stressed? Anxious? Unhappy?

Ask your doctor if alcoholism is right for you.

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A man is anxiously awaiting a call from his doctor.

Finally, the phone rings. When the man picks up, the doctor says, “Well, I have bad news and I have worse news.”

The man swallows the lump in his throat and says, “Ok, doc. What’s the bad news?”

The doctor says, “Bad news is, you only have a week to live.”

“Oh, God!” The man ...

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

After his rich uncle's death, he was very anxious about his uncle fortune.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" he asked repeatedly.

"Of course you are," replied the solicitor.

Right here in the second page your uncle says:

"To my niece Sally, I bequeath $123,000; to my cousin Thomas, $55,000; and to my nephew Ricky, who was always asking too know if he's me...

A teenager comes home from schooling being very anxious

A teenager comes home from school and being very anxious asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"


"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have t...

Why are Taiwanese men such anxious and hard workers?

They all have Taipei personalities.

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Husband and wife

Her: Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

Him: "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill...

4 men sit anxiously outside the maternity unit ...

... as they await news on their wives' who are having babies

The English one says, "My first son was born on St George's Day, so I named him George."

The Scotsman added, "My first son was born on St Andrew's Day, and I decided to name him Andrew."

The Welshman said, "My boy was ...

Why did the anxious guitarist quit the band?

He didn't want to fret anymore.

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

A woman sees the news, and anxiously calls her husband.

He picks it up,

“Matthew, are you driving home from work?”

“Yes! At least I'm trying!”

“Well be careful out there. There’s some idiot on the interstate going in the wrong direction.”

“Honey... everyone's going in the wrong direction!"

I got really anxious after I watched a play yesterday

I must have Post Dramatic Stress Disorder

Why can't anxious people walk on tight ropes?

Because they're too high-strung.

Corny I know, but I wrote it myself and had to put it out there.

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders--such as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

*Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."*

*"Yes," answered the Rabbi.*

*"Well, Rabbi,...

I was feeling anxious about the future today, but then I updated Microsoft Office

It improved my outlook.

Family members anxiously await news outside of the ICU

Dr Schrodinger :" there's good news and there's bad news."

"What do you mean by that?" Asks the wife.

Dr Schrodinger *takes a look inside* : " I'm afraid your husband is dead."

wife *sobbing* : "But then what's the good news?"

Dr Schrodinger: "What good news?"

Why is the brain always anxious?

It's part of the nervous system.

A woman is at the doctor's office, anxiously awaiting the results of a test.

The doctor says, "You appear to have vasovagal syncope."
She fainted.

I became so anxious about the Covid-19 that even when I go to the toilet,

I wash my hands.

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What do you tell someone who has diarrhea and anxious at the same time?

*Don’t lose your shit*

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A billionaire hires a painter of murals to come to his mansion…

…when he gets there, he calls the painter in into a large room and shows him a plain white wall that’s 20 feet high and 50 feet across. He says to the guy, “I’ve always been fascinated by General Custer so on this wall I want you paint your interpretation of Custer’s last stand. I’m going out of tow...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."


Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxiou...

I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

A couple is anxiously waiting to hear the results of a medical test for their unborn child. The doctor says: "I will start with the good news;

Your child will always find a parking space."

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I ordered a sex toy

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a 1:1 scale replica of my wife's vagina. When it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at the window, waiting for the postman. Finally, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn and blowing around in the b...

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

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A man sits anxiously in the waiting room of a hospital while his wife is giving birth.

After a while, the doctor walks in with a big smile on his face, holding the baby. He suddenly trips, dropping the baby. He then proceeds to kick it a few times, grabs it by the arm and smashes its head on the wall. He finally rolls the remains into a tiny balls and slam dunks it into the waste bask...

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

On the first day of COVID my illness gave to me…

An anxious uncertainty

On the second day of COVID my illness gave to me...
Two heavy lungs
And an anxious uncertainty

On the third day of COVID my illness gave to me...
Three tons of mucous
Two heavy lungs
And an anxious uncertainty

On the fourth da...

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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot

When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”


The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit an...

A little boy and his mom are at church.

During the long, droning sermon the little boy suddenly starts to feel very queasy. He whispers, "Mom, I think I'm gonna throw up!" She turns to see him looking pale and becomes very anxious, so she whispers, "Quick! Run as fast as you can to the bushes outside the church! If you go now you might ma...

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A boy meets a girl's father for the first time

A boy comes over to his girlfriend's house so he could take her out to a dance. There he meets her father for the first time. As the girlfriend gets ready, the boy nervously takes a seat in the living room with the father. No words are spoken as the boy waits, clearly intimidated by the older man. F...

A girl brings her new fiance home to meet her parents for the very first time.

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.

Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"

Fia...

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Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.

edit: maternity ward, sorry my vocab is crap

They're all very anxious about becoming a father. After waiting some time, the doctor appears and congratulates the first man.

"Congratulations, your wife had twins!"

The man was relieved, but was a bit surprised. "What a coincidence...

A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...

...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.

Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."

She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been un...

What is the Funniest soviet joke?

What is the Funniest soviet joke?



An old man was scattered on the sidewalk and accidentally fell into the river beside the road, shouting for help! The two policemen heard it, turned a blind eye, and continued to talk and laugh as they walked. The old man became anxious and shouted "D...

A farmer who raises donkeys goes out of town, leaving his wife alone at the farm

A neighbouring farmer, who desires an affair with her, takes advantage of the opportunity and seduces the wife while her husband is away.

The wife soon finds out that she is pregnant with the neighbour’s child, and after informing them of this they decide that it would be best to confess to ...

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

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Longer Each Day

Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day. He was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressin...

An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.

"First child?" Asks another father

"No" replies the Man

"Well then why are you so anxious?"

"Well, when my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."

"That's amazing." says the second Man

"Yes" replies t...

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

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Theres these two onions.

Male onion female onion, rolling along then *pop* bang into each other. Instant rapport, a torrential affair begins they couldnt get enough of each other. Pretty soon an onion bonding is occurred not long after that they think to tie the knot, get together, make it legal.

Their union was ble...

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A sixty year old man with a history of heart problems ends up on the transplant list.

After nine years, he finally gets to the top of the list. But it takes another three years to find a suitable donor. His wife goes with him to every appointment with his doctor and every meeting with members of the surgery team. She discusses every aspect of the operation, his medications, his recov...

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

A cop pulls over three elderly woman..

The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"

Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"

The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"

Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgiv...

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An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

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A lady walks into a car dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a salesperson doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pl...

A man with no arms and no legs always had a dream of becoming a firefighter.

His mother didn’t want to crush his dreams but she knew he would never be accepted. She let him set up an interview so he could be let down slowly. Surprisingly, she picked him up and he gave her the news that he got the job. She was shocked. On his first day of work, she wanted to check in on him s...

When God created Adam and Eve...

He said to them: I have two gifts to give you one is to do pee standing up and...

Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E... M E...I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier!

Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her...

Back from business trip.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

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A man goes to see a fortune teller

A man goes to see a fortune teller. The teller was renowned for their abilities, but even more so for their strange curios. The man walks into the fortune teller's shop, and immediately sees the teller, and a man curled up on the floor in a pool of his own blood.

"What's with him?"

"...

A Jewish father was quite troubled by his errant son’s behavior, and went to see the rabbi about it...

“I brought him up as a Jew, spent a small fortune on his education and almost as much on his bar mitzvah. Then he calls me to tell me he has decided to become a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the rabbi. “Like you, I too brought my son up as a good...

The Marriage,,,

Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter
Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find
adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula
noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic
marking...

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

Alliteration

A husband and wife were resting on a beach when they noticed a girl with a travel bag. She would approach people with boom boxes and other electronic devices and speak to them. Occasionally she would hand them something and walk off.


"She's probably selling drugs," said the woman.

...

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.

A couple of months later, Myrtle also died

Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.

She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. Darling, Joe"

Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't give me tha...

I've always had a problem with eating my fingernails.

I get anxious and chew them off and eat them and they look terrible. One day my sister noticed and told me to go to the drug store for some press-on nails. She said they looked good and would keep me from biting my nails. So I went and bought some and she was right. They looked so good I ate them ri...

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Worried

"Doctor, Doctor, I'm so worried," said the anxious man. "Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son's just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been going on?"
"Not necessarily," replied the doctor.
"How many times do you have sex?"
"About 5 times a year."
"Well...

A blonde takes a taxi to the airport

While stuck in traffic, the driver offers the blonde a riddle to help pass the time. He says:

“Who is my mother’s child and my father’s child, but is neither my brother nor my sister?”

The blonde replies “I don’t know, who?”

The driver says “Me!”

They laugh hysterically,...

So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today

I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it

A Man Goes to the Doctor

A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.

“Give it to me straight, doc,” he pleads. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“Ten what? Months? Days? Years?” The patient cries.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the doctor continues. “That was...

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A man gets totally shitfaced after way too much drinks with his friends on a Saturday night, then goes back home. (Long but cute :-)

He has a hard time opening the door, being very careful to not wake up the wife. He starts to climb the stairs to the bedroom, but the world is collapsing every other second around him. He falls, tries to crawl a few more steps, and faints.

Next morning:

He wakes up in pyjamas in bed, ...

A doctor treats two people who are actually a married couple,

He calls both of them to visit him in his clinic, he tells the wife to stay outisde for a bit as he only wanted to takk to the husband,

He then tells him; “You’re soon going to be in peace”

The husband gets anxious and replies; “Wait am I going to die???!!!!”

The doctor replies...

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.

One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count ...

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A priest and a lawyer are on a sinking ship

The priest yells, "women and children to the lifeboats first!". Then the lawyer, anxious to survive, says, "Fuck the children!" The priest replies, "do we have enough time?"

A boy asks a girl to prom

On the big day of the dance, the boy has to make a few stops before he picks up his date.

The first stop is the tuxedo store. When he gets there, there is a huge line of patrons ahead of him. He waited patiently and finally was able to pick up his tux.

The next stop was the florist t...

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

Homecomeback

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor. After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward f...

I got fired for getting stressed and kicking the project I was working on.

I'm sorry, but defusing bombs just makes me really anxious sometimes.

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

A man wakes up at 2:22 sharp and gets dressed.

He goes down to the coffee shop and his order comes to $2.22. He finds $2 on his windshield and arrives to work in exactly 2 minutes. “All these 2s” he thinks “ maybe it could mean something”

So he goes down to the hound racing at bets all his savings, his house and his car on #2 and watches ...

An appointment with the doctor

I sat waiting in the waiting room for 14 minutes and 32 anxious seconds, then was called went in, The doctor invited me to sit and put both hands flatly on the desk, turning his head to one side and said I've got all your results, I've got good news and bad news first the good news your not a Hypo...

Three men end up in hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell h...

A man gets married and his mother-in-law moves in

One day, the husband comes home and finds the mother-in-law passed out on the floor with an empty jar of pills near her. He rushes her to the hospital. After a few hours of anxiously waiting, the doctor returns with her results.

“Alright, I have some good news and I’ve got some bad news”, sa...

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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

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A young inexperienced man goes to work on a farm…

…first day the farmer is showing him around the farm and explains his duties and a special job to do today.
“Go out to the chicken coop and get me a male and a female “ says the farmer. The boy goes and brings back two chickens. “I got a chicken and the rooster” says the boy.
The farmer corr...

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Dapple's Car Accident

Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn.


Dapple was driving ...

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Pilots

One day the passengers of a flight were waiting impatiently for takeoff. After a few minutes, they notice two men dressed as pilots with white canes and guide dogs make their way into the cockpit. The mood of the plane shifts dramatically from impatient and anxious to scared and skeptical as the pla...

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

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A wife's empathy...

I come home stressed after a long day at work. My wife says, "Honey, I don't like it when you're not feeling good. When you're stressed it stresses me out, when you're anxious I'm anxious, when you're sad it makes me sad. Whatever you're feelings are I feel them too."

So I said, "Then how com...

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A priest is trying to understand why people do bad things.

The priest decides to call a meeting with his 3 nuns to discuss people's motivations. Ultimately they realize that they don't know very much about this topic and that it is necessary to go out into the world and do some "bad" things. The priest instructs each nun to go out and do "bad" things and co...

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Little Johnny and his brother at breakfast

One morning, Little Johnny and his older brother Billy are about to have breakfast, when Billy says to Johnny 'You know what? It's time we started to swear in front of mum. Let's begin slowly and drop a few cuss words." Just then their mother calls them for breakfast. They troop down the stairs and ...

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A team of engineers are unveiling their new invention to a navy admiral

“So from what I can see, it appears to just be a normal submarine” the Admiral says.

“Quite far from it...” the lead engineer responds, “... while it may appear to be your standard submarine. It has quite the trick up it’s selves”

“Well what is it”, the Admiral says excitedly.

...

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I finally admit that I have a problem and I decide to see a therapist

Therapist: what brings you in today?

Me: I find myself very anxious in social situations

Therapist: please explain

Me: right now all my friends are obsessed with the Backstreet Boys and they always play “I want it that way”

Therapist: and this bothers you?

Me: I ha...

I'm the captain now...

I work for a large shipping company. While in international waters, a small boat collided with our giant ship. Next thing we know, we're over run with armed people. I saw one in the captains quarters and they were talking. The captain shook his head no and pointed to a sign. The armed men calmly got...

Billy's father picked him up from school.

He was anxious to find out about Billy's tryout for the school play.

Billy told him, "Dad, I got a part! I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son," said his dad. "Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll give you a speaking part."

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet cat. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special cat. Turn on the Winnipeg Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my cat does flips." The Jets keep scoring and the cat keeps flipping and jumping.<...

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I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

A tree with anxiety.

A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.

"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."

"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"

The tree smiles, "R...

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

A rabbi had worked for many years as a mohel performing circumcisions...

He collected all the foreskins he had cut over his career and brought them to a leather maker after he retired.

He brings the foreskins to the best leather maker in town and says “Make me whatever you can with these.” Surprised but undaunted, the leather maker says “Okay, come back in a week ...

It is near the end of time, and Heaven is getting full...

Three friends who die approach the gate to Heaven.

God: Only those who can answer my questions correctly may enter.

All three friends begin to feel anxious.

God: Who was the first man on Earth?

Friend 1: oh that's easy, Adam.

And so the gates opened and allowed him...

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Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Tiffany had prepared a lovely breakfast for her three sons, and asked them what they wanted to eat.

“I’ll have some of that fucking sausage,” said the oldest. Tiffany gave him a proper spanking for his foul language, and sent him to his room without any breakfast.

She returned to the...

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled. The angel ...

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

The other day I went to get my eyes tested.

I am quite an anxious person and thought I would try to crack a joke to break the awkward silence.


'Would you like to hear a joke?' I asked


The optometrist replied 'Sure! The cornea the better.'

Knock Knock

A man is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door. Begrudgingly, he hits pause on the remote and makes his way to the door. Once at the door, he hears a woman's voice from outside.
Woman: Knock knock!
Man: Who's there?
Woman: Cliffhanger.
Man: Cliffhanger who...

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Princess and the frog.

A frog decides to visit a fortune teller to find out if he'll ever find his princess. The fortune teller reads his palm and after a few brief moments of contemplation, begins her reading. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" The frog, anxious for the possibilit...

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Joe and Tim

Tim was a ticket collector in the bus...One day a heavily built guy named Joe entered and shooed him off.
This repeated for another two weeks. Pissed off, he started bodybuilding and in a month he had huge biceps
The next day Joe once again said,"Joe does not need a ticket"
"Why the f*ck d...

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

When an old Grandpa walked by.

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!

Just drop your pants and under shor...

A Jewish Man from the Shtetl is trying to get some sleep

while some brisk elders are playing backgammon right beneath his bedroom window.

Lying in bed and anxiously eying the ceiling,
he ponders about how he might just find some of that replenishing sleep.

He goes to his window and desperately looks into the crowds. Then he‘s got the bri...

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