UPJOKE
fearangstanxiousnessnervousnessuneasinessconcernpanicinsecurityemotionanxiety disorderworrydisquietudehypochondriadisquietanger

Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety

it'll leave me too.

Why does Satan have social anxiety?

Because he goes through hell just to say hello

Why do you have anxiety all the time

I'm basically a walking NERVOUS system

Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?

You're not alone.

I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago

I’m not too worried about it

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up

I now suffer from anxiety and depression

Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I’m on stage people keep laughing at me

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

The human body is 80% water

so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

My roommate just told me, “I can’t remember whether I took my anti anxiety medication or not.”

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

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My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

Im worried shitless

I like my anxiety like I like my distancing:

Social, behind a mask, and away from people.

I think I have anxiety, but I don’t want to be diagnosed by a doctor

I’m worried if they tell me I don’t have it, I would’ve wasted their time.

What do you call a dinosaur with anxiety?

.
.
Nervous Rex

Anxiety is like breast.

It grows as soon as puberty hits you.

I have a great joke about social anxiety.

Who am I kidding? You'll hate it.

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

How do you refer to someone who got over their anxiety?

Past tense

Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, reduces anxiety and helps you to live longer.

Until they start to fart in their sleep.

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My therapist told me to give my anxiety a name.

I named her Karen because she ain't Karen how she fucked up my day.

Stairs really freak me out and give me anxiety

I think I need to approach this fear step by step

I suffer from separation anxiety.

My wife's left me and I'm terrified she'll come back.

I dropped one of my anxiety seeds a while ago

It’s a growing concern

What do you call the anxiety you feel when you’re in a maze of buildings?

A complex complex complex

Anxiety is like a roller coaster

*Makes a decision.
Think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Say it out loud.

As someone with social anxiety, I must say ...

Er, uhm ... Uuuh, I'll send you a text later.

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women say my dick is so big it's causing me anxiety (NSFW)

I don't think I'll ever fit in.

Why does the brain experience so much anxiety?

Because it’s part of the nervous system

I've been trying to put a finger on what's causing my anxiety...

But my boss doesn't like to be touched.

I want to join an anxiety club...

But I'm afraid they won't accept me.

My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues...

Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Happy International Anxiety Day!

My therapist: International Anxiety Day is tomorrow.

To everyone suffering from anxiety: you are not alone!

There's someone behind you.

I have separation anxiety

I can't see myself without it

Why did 10 have crippling PTSD and anxiety

It was directly in the middle of 9/11

We are holding our annual social anxiety conference this weekend.

We hope to have more than 1 person show up this year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nothing gives me more anxiety than riding shotgun through a mountain underpass.

Think I've got Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

I’ve just bought anti-anxiety pills

But I’m too afraid to take them

What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?

A worrier.

“You are what you eat”

I don’t remember eating anxiety and back problems

So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today

I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it

I've just discovered the cure to Social Anxiety!

Social Security.

Chicago anxiety

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.  The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear. "What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that.  I've been transferred to Chicago.  The people are  craz...

A tree with anxiety.

A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.

"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."

"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"

The tree smiles, "R...

I'm starting a new therapy business where I whisper jokes to people with anxiety.

I call it Calmedy.

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

"Hello everyone to social anxiety anonymous"

"I see no one has come and I have to say I am very disappointed."

A cop see's a suspicious teenager driving erratically,and pulls him over

The policeman notices the drivers red eyes, and the smell of cannabis on his breath, so asks him if he's been smoking pot

The teenager says "Yeah, but I've got a prescription for it"

"What's the prescription for? inquires the officer

"Anxiety, but I only get it when a cop pulls ...

A man with anxiety accidentally annoyed the cartel

He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.

I'm writing a book to help surgeons to use Eastern meditation to overcome anxiety in the operating theatre...

I'm going to call it *The Calmer Suture.*

My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia.

Nevermind, she just returned from the shops.

What do you call a 23 year old guy with no friends, depression, social anxiety anda no job?

An average redditor

What game do two strangers with Social Anxiety play?

Don't Break the Ice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going to lose my virginity last night, but unfortunately I got the dreaded performance anxiety...

I wasn't sure that I'd blow her up the correct way.

For years poor Lawrence applied for Hogwarts, and year after year they turned him down.

Finally after working his tail off to submit his latest and greatest application, he was climbing the walls with anxiety. He went to see Hagrid. "What do you think my chances are, Hagrid?"

Hagrid looked at him with pity in his eyes. "They aren't good." Said Hagrid. "Why not?" Lawrence asked,...

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I get really bad anxiety when driving over bridges.

My therapist says I have truss issues.

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a guy has a crippling anxiety: he believes himself to be a kernel of corn

he seeks out the help of a therapist, who eventually has the man committed to an asylum. at the asylum, they work with him for months, until finally they have convinced him that he is NOT a kernel of corn, but in fact a man. they sign him out and he walks out the door, but not more than five minutes...

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biologist are discussing the costs and benefits of having an affair.

The doctor says no one should ever have an affair. It creates too much anxiety and it's bad for your health.

The lawyer says it's OK to have an affair as long as you don't tell your wife. If you tell your wife, she might file for a divorce and it's bad for your pocketbook.

The biologis...

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My girlfriend left me because of my performance anxiety.

I'd always shit myself before we went on a date.

What do you call a date between someone with ADHD and someone with anxiety?

Hypertension

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

As he's sitting at the bar enjoying his beverage, a tiny horse walks in and sits down next to him. The man is shocked and asks the bartender, "Is that a little horse?" The bartender nods and the man asks, "What's it doing here?"

The bartender replies, "It's a psychology experiment. We're tryi...

A list dog strays I to the Jungle...

A lost dog strays into the jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this little guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind of thing before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some...

My doctor is so kind

He knows I have anxiety so he put both his hands on my shoulders to comfort me during my prostate exam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told the doctor about my issues...

My stress, restlessness, problems falling asleep, anxiety about sex.

He said: The cure is coming.

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

I heard you like reposts, so here's one from 114 years ago.

**TOWN AND COUNTRY**

The young woman who was boarding at the farmhouse expressed to the farmer her anxiety at the savage way in which the cow regarded her.

“It must be on account of that red blouse you’ve got on, miss,” answered the farmer.

“Dear me!” exclaimed the girl. “Of cou...

There was a bit of anxiety at the airport as there was a rainstorm at the destination

But the pilots could handle it. They were on a long flight, so they killed time with casual conversation. They were good friends so conversation naturally went well.

After a 16 hour flight, they began to descend, when all of a sudden one pilot began getting short and upset with his responses...

Because of my social anxiety, I prefer to do things with very little people around me.

It makes me feel better being taller than everyone else.

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

Squirrels; they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Duke of Cornwall

The usual news reader at an English radio station falls sick and they ask a recent hire to read the news instead. Never done it before, she nervously starts reading news at a live channel when she comes across a piece of the royal family and has to mention Prince William. She continues reading and h...

Yesterday I was on a Edible Plants and Folk Medicine Nature Walk

The guide noted that St. John's Wort is believed to be useful for mood, including anxiety and depression.

Older woman who keeps asking questions: "There seems to be a lot here, don't the deer eat it?"

Me: "If they did, they might jump in front of cars less."

The naturalist was a...

How to get revenge on your dangerous mexican boss

Steal his anxiety medication that stops hispanic attacks

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Felony laws are rediculous...

Three guys were talking about how they ended up in an Arizona prison.

Guy 1: what are you in for?

Guy 2: selling weed to my 23 year old cousin with anxiety.

Guy 1: I can beat that, I was playing bioshock and the radio in game played some 1950s shit. I got a copy right strike and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex.

Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching.

I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles

Now I have SoCal anxiety

Alcohol Addiction

My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.

I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.

My Dr. says I need t...

My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)

Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability t...

I have the three D’s

Depression, anxiety, and dyslexia.

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

I live in the state of CA

Constant Anxiety

Knock Knock...

-Who's there?

Anxiety

-Anxiety Who?

Are you sure someone knocked?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young girl started work at the local pharmacy.

She was very nervous about the idea of having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on vacation for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She agreed but, before he left, she told him about her anxiety regarding the condoms.

"Look" he said....

Hey cutie, are you the economy?

Because you're almost as crippling as my student loans and anxiety.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he was coming up to a group of chickens and has crippling social anxiety.

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint...

While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent.
"Twenty four!" He calls out, before sitting back down, to which the estab...

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -FDR

"Exactly." -everyone with anxiety

I have been terrified of something being under my bed since I was a child.

So recently I decided to go see a psychiatrist, hoping that there might be a cure. I told the psychiatrist that I have had this horrible fear of something terrible being under my bed, and even now as an adult, I find a can't sleep and am in a constant state of anxiety when I'm in the bed. He said "I...

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