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Anxiety Jokes

Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety

it'll leave me too.

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

EDIT: Oh, never mind. He just went to grab a cup of coffee.

Why does Satan have social anxiety?

Because he goes through hell just to say hello

Why do you have anxiety all the time

I'm basically a walking NERVOUS system

I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago

I’m not too worried about it

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up

I now suffer from anxiety and depression

Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I’m on stage people keep laughing at me

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

The human body is 80% water

so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

What do you call a dinosaur with anxiety?

.
.
Nervous Rex

I think I have anxiety, but I don’t want to be diagnosed by a doctor

I’m worried if they tell me I don’t have it, I would’ve wasted their time.

Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?

You're not alone.

I like my anxiety like I like my distancing:

Social, behind a mask, and away from people.

Anxiety is like breast.

It grows as soon as puberty hits you.

I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?'

He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me to give my anxiety a name.

I named her Karen because she ain't Karen how she fucked up my day.

What do you call the anxiety you feel when you’re in a maze of buildings?

A complex complex complex

Stairs really freak me out and give me anxiety

I think I need to approach this fear step by step

A man with severe anxiety walks into a bar.

He doesn't know anyone, it's noisy, and everything is a blur. He goes straight to the bar and orders a tall glass of red ale, whatever they've got on tap, so the bartender complies.

He downs the entire drink in one go and looks around the bar at all the other patrons talking and mingling, sev...

My roommate just told me, “I can’t remember whether I took my anti anxiety medication or not.”

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

I have a great joke about social anxiety.

Who am I kidding? You'll hate it.

Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication?

For Hispanic attacks.

How do you refer to someone who got over their anxiety?

Past tense

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women say my dick is so big it's causing me anxiety (NSFW)

I don't think I'll ever fit in.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

As he's sitting at the bar enjoying his beverage, a tiny horse walks in and sits down next to him. The man is shocked and asks the bartender, "Is that a little horse?" The bartender nods and the man asks, "What's it doing here?"

The bartender replies, "It's a psychology experiment. We're tryi...

I'm writing a book to help surgeons to use Eastern meditation to overcome anxiety in the operating theatre...

I'm going to call it *The Calmer Suture.*

the inventor of the revolving door looked at a perfectly normal door and boldly asked "what if i added social anxiety?"

if i go too slow? surely everyone behind me hates me.

too fast? everyone behind me is in danger.

perfect invention.

let's put them in the busiest buildings.

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

Why does the brain experience so much anxiety?

Because it’s part of the nervous system

I have separation anxiety

I can't see myself without it

I suffer from separation anxiety.

My wife's left me and I'm terrified she'll come back.

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

I dropped one of my anxiety seeds a while ago

It’s a growing concern

As someone with social anxiety, I must say ...

Er, uhm ... Uuuh, I'll send you a text later.

My boyfriend just left me because I have anxiety attacks.

Edit: Nevermind, he just went to the bathroom.

A guy walks into a bar...

And then turns around and walks out because of overwhelming anxiety... It was me :(

Why did 10 have crippling PTSD and anxiety

It was directly in the middle of 9/11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nothing gives me more anxiety than riding shotgun through a mountain underpass.

Think I've got Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?

A worrier.

I've just discovered the cure to Social Anxiety!

Social Security.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going to lose my virginity last night, but unfortunately I got the dreaded performance anxiety...

I wasn't sure that I'd blow her up the correct way.

So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today

I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone.

There's someone behind you.

Anxiety is like a roller coaster

*Makes a decision.
Think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Say it out loud.

I've been trying to put a finger on what's causing my anxiety...

But my boss doesn't like to be touched.

I’ve just bought anti-anxiety pills

But I’m too afraid to take them

Chicago anxiety

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.  The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear. "What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that.  I've been transferred to Chicago.  The people are  craz...

I'm starting a new therapy business where I whisper jokes to people with anxiety.

I call it Calmedy.

Yesterday I was on a Edible Plants and Folk Medicine Nature Walk

The guide noted that St. John's Wort is believed to be useful for mood, including anxiety and depression.

Older woman who keeps asking questions: "There seems to be a lot here, don't the deer eat it?"

Me: "If they did, they might jump in front of cars less."

The naturalist was a...

What do you call a 23 year old guy with no friends, depression, social anxiety anda no job?

An average redditor

My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia.

Nevermind, she just returned from the shops.

There was a bit of anxiety at the airport as there was a rainstorm at the destination

But the pilots could handle it. They were on a long flight, so they killed time with casual conversation. They were good friends so conversation naturally went well.

After a 16 hour flight, they began to descend, when all of a sudden one pilot began getting short and upset with his responses...

I want to join an anxiety club...

But I'm afraid they won't accept me.

We are holding our annual social anxiety conference this weekend.

We hope to have more than 1 person show up this year.

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

I got my daughter a weighted anxiety blanket for Christmas.

She’s been freaking out about it all day.

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

What do you call a date between someone with ADHD and someone with anxiety?

Hypertension

There was a social anxiety convention

No one showed up.

"Hello everyone to social anxiety anonymous"

"I see no one has come and I have to say I am very disappointed."

A man with anxiety accidentally annoyed the cartel

He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.

A tree with anxiety.

A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.

"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."

"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"

The tree smiles, "R...

What game do two strangers with Social Anxiety play?

Don't Break the Ice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get really bad anxiety when driving over bridges.

My therapist says I have truss issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a guy has a crippling anxiety: he believes himself to be a kernel of corn

he seeks out the help of a therapist, who eventually has the man committed to an asylum. at the asylum, they work with him for months, until finally they have convinced him that he is NOT a kernel of corn, but in fact a man. they sign him out and he walks out the door, but not more than five minutes...

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biologist are discussing the costs and benefits of having an affair.

The doctor says no one should ever have an affair. It creates too much anxiety and it's bad for your health.

The lawyer says it's OK to have an affair as long as you don't tell your wife. If you tell your wife, she might file for a divorce and it's bad for your pocketbook.

The biologis...

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My Asian friend said he had erection anxiety...

I said: "what do you mean?"
He said: "I don't want to see the dick rise to power."

My doctor is so kind

He knows I have anxiety so he put both his hands on my shoulders to comfort me during my prostate exam.

Alcohol Addiction

My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.

I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.

My Dr. says I need t...

“You are what you eat”

I don’t remember eating anxiety and back problems

I heard you like reposts, so here's one from 114 years ago.

**TOWN AND COUNTRY**

The young woman who was boarding at the farmhouse expressed to the farmer her anxiety at the savage way in which the cow regarded her.

“It must be on account of that red blouse you’ve got on, miss,” answered the farmer.

“Dear me!” exclaimed the girl. “Of cou...

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My girlfriend left me because of my performance anxiety.

I'd always shit myself before we went on a date.

Because of my social anxiety, I prefer to do things with very little people around me.

It makes me feel better being taller than everyone else.

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

Squirrels; they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I continously kept feeling something bad would happen so I went to my therapist

He says it's called anxiety and not spidey-sense

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young girl started work at the local pharmacy.

She was very nervous about the idea of having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on vacation for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She agreed but, before he left, she told him about her anxiety regarding the condoms.

"Look" he said....

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

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The Felony laws are rediculous...

Three guys were talking about how they ended up in an Arizona prison.

Guy 1: what are you in for?

Guy 2: selling weed to my 23 year old cousin with anxiety.

Guy 1: I can beat that, I was playing bioshock and the radio in game played some 1950s shit. I got a copy right strike and...

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

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The Lemon Cookie

A man has been feeling sick so he goes to see a doctor and the doctor diagnosed him as having a tapeworm.

The man is distraught, but the doctor tells him about a new experimental treatment for tapeworms. It doesn’t require any surgery, it’s completely outpatient, and it only take four days. <...

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint...

While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent.
"Twenty four!" He calls out, before sitting back down, to which the estab...

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I told the doctor about my issues...

My stress, restlessness, problems falling asleep, anxiety about sex.

He said: The cure is coming.

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

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A Rabbi goes on a cruise.

Midway through the trip, a severe storm sinks the ship and the Rabbi finds himself the lone survivor on his life boat. Starving and dehydrated, his life boat beaches on an unexplored island populated by natives.

They take him in, and nurse him back to health. Over the course of months he is...

A redditor walks into a bar..

The owner says "what can I get for you?"

the reddit user immediately turns around and leaves due to his crushing anxiety.

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

How to get revenge on your dangerous mexican boss

Steal his anxiety medication that stops hispanic attacks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex.

Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW wife in a coma

A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma.


Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with ...

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bard [Long]

Suzie was the teacher's pet - A's in every class. One day a stranger stood in front of the lecture hall for her writing course.
'Sorry students, your professor has been in a terrible accident and I will be leading this course for the remainder of the year.'
No problem - Suzie looked forward to...

I have the three D’s

Depression, anxiety, and dyslexia.

I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles

Now I have SoCal anxiety

I have been terrified of something being under my bed since I was a child.

So recently I decided to go see a psychiatrist, hoping that there might be a cure. I told the psychiatrist that I have had this horrible fear of something terrible being under my bed, and even now as an adult, I find a can't sleep and am in a constant state of anxiety when I'm in the bed. He said "I...

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timothy and Sarah are walking on a footpath by the beach...

They come across a sign which reads: "CAUTION: strong currents. Swim with care".

Frowning at this, Timothy turns to Sarah and asks, "Hey, are you seeing this?"

Confused, Sarah replies, "Seeing what?"

Timothy exclaims, "This is the third time we've seen that sign!!"

"Oh", ...

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The Firing Squad

Four gunmen are standing in the woods, recently deputized by the new regime in the budding of a civil war. Before them, a gagged and hooded prisoner on their knees, sobbing at the edge of an empty grave. Behind them, nine already filled.

The first looks nervous. "I've been counting the prison...

My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)

Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability t...

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A lounge owner is looking for a new pianist...

A man comes in to audition for the owner. He asks, "Is it alright if I play an original piece?"

The owner says, "That's fine. Begin whenever you're ready."

The man plays a beautiful score. The owner is so moved and overcome with emotion he can barely contain himself. When the pianist f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

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