To everyone out there suffering from anxiety

You are not alone there's someone behind you

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

EDIT: Oh, never mind. He just went to grab a cup of coffee.

I like my anxiety like I like my distancing:

Social, behind a mask, and away from people.

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My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

Im worried shitless

Interesting that the “picture everyone naked” trick to ease anxiety while presenting in front of a group of people...

...was taught by our elementary school teachers.

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

What do you call a dinosaur with an anxiety disorder ?

A nervous Rex.

Anxiety is like breast.

It grows as soon as puberty hits you.

Why do you have anxiety all the time

I'm basically a walking NERVOUS system

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

What do you call the anxiety you feel when you’re in a maze of buildings?

A complex complex complex

A man with severe anxiety walks into a bar.

He doesn't know anyone, it's noisy, and everything is a blur. He goes straight to the bar and orders a tall glass of red ale, whatever they've got on tap, so the bartender complies.

He downs the entire drink in one go and looks around the bar at all the other patrons talking and mingling, sev...

My roommate cannot remember if he took his anti anxiety medication or not.

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

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I was going to lose my virginity last night, but unfortunately I got the dreaded performance anxiety...

I wasn't sure that I'd blow her up the correct way.

Why does Satan have social anxiety?

Because he goes through hell just to say hello

Why does Donald Trump take anxiety medication?

For Hispanic attacks

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety

it'll leave me too.

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up

I now suffer from anxiety and depression

The human body is 80% water

so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago

I’m not too worried about it

Why did the mexican take his anti-anxiety medication?

For hisPanic attack.

the inventor of the revolving door looked at a perfectly normal door and boldly asked "what if i added social anxiety?"

if i go too slow? surely everyone behind me hates me.

too fast? everyone behind me is in danger.

perfect invention.

let's put them in the busiest buildings.

So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today

I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it

Why does the brain experience so much anxiety?

Because it’s part of the nervous system

What do you call a boy with anxiety who never grew up?

Peter Panic.

I have separation anxiety

I can't see myself without it

I suffer from separation anxiety.

My wife's left me and I'm terrified she'll come back.

I have a great joke about social anxiety.

Who am I kidding? You'll hate it.

I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?'

He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?

You're not alone.

I'm starting a new therapy business where I whisper jokes to people with anxiety.

I call it Calmedy.

Why did 10 have crippling PTSD and anxiety

It was directly in the middle of 9/11

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I told the doctor about my issues...

My stress, restlessness, problems falling asleep, anxiety about sex.

He said: The cure is coming.

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I’m on stage people keep laughing at me

I dropped one of my anxiety seeds a while ago

It’s a growing concern

What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?

A worrier.

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Nothing gives me more anxiety than riding shotgun through a mountain underpass.

Think I've got Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

We are holding our annual social anxiety conference this weekend.

We hope to have more than 1 person show up this year.

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

I've just discovered the cure to Social Anxiety!

Social Security.

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

I have been terrified of something being under my bed since I was a child.

So recently I decided to go see a psychiatrist, hoping that there might be a cure. I told the psychiatrist that I have had this horrible fear of something terrible being under my bed, and even now as an adult, I find a can't sleep and am in a constant state of anxiety when I'm in the bed. He said "I...

I got my daughter a weighted anxiety blanket for Christmas.

She’s been freaking out about it all day.

Anxiety is like a roller coaster

*Makes a decision.
Think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Say it out loud.

My doctor is so kind

He knows I have anxiety so he put both his hands on my shoulders to comfort me during my prostate exam.

There was a bit of anxiety at the airport as there was a rainstorm at the destination

But the pilots could handle it. They were on a long flight, so they killed time with casual conversation. They were good friends so conversation naturally went well.

After a 16 hour flight, they began to descend, when all of a sudden one pilot began getting short and upset with his responses...

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A young girl started work at the local pharmacy.

She was very nervous about the idea of having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on vacation for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She agreed but, before he left, she told him about her anxiety regarding the condoms.

"Look" he said....

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

I've been trying to put a finger on what's causing my anxiety...

But my boss doesn't like to be touched.

Alcohol Addiction

My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.

I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.

My Dr. says I need t...

This morning my wife asked me whether I had any dark stuff

And I admitted that between the pandemic and the Trump administration I’ve been feeling a paralyzing mix of anxiety and depression. Then she said “No, I’m putting a load of laundry in.”

Chicago anxiety

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.  The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear. "What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that.  I've been transferred to Chicago.  The people are  craz...

I want to join an anxiety club...

But I'm afraid they won't accept me.

A tree with anxiety.

A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.

"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."

"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"

The tree smiles, "R...

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The Felony laws are rediculous...

Three guys were talking about how they ended up in an Arizona prison.

Guy 1: what are you in for?

Guy 2: selling weed to my 23 year old cousin with anxiety.

Guy 1: I can beat that, I was playing bioshock and the radio in game played some 1950s shit. I got a copy right strike and...

As someone with social anxiety, I must say ...

Er, uhm ... Uuuh, I'll send you a text later.

I’ve just bought anti-anxiety pills

But I’m too afraid to take them

What do you call a date between someone with ADHD and someone with anxiety?

Hypertension

My wife just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia.

Nevermind, she just returned from the shops.

What do you call a 23 year old guy with no friends, depression, social anxiety anda no job?

An average redditor

Last year I founded a Anxiety Society at uni

It ended after the first week when no one showed up

A man with anxiety accidentally annoyed the cartel

He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.

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My girlfriend left me because of my performance anxiety.

I'd always shit myself before we went on a date.

What game do two strangers with Social Anxiety play?

Don't Break the Ice

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A Rabbi goes on a cruise.

Midway through the trip, a severe storm sinks the ship and the Rabbi finds himself the lone survivor on his life boat. Starving and dehydrated, his life boat beaches on an unexplored island populated by natives.

They take him in, and nurse him back to health. Over the course of months he is...

"Hello everyone to social anxiety anonymous"

"I see no one has come and I have to say I am very disappointed."

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

Squirrels; they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

How to get revenge on your dangerous mexican boss

Steal his anxiety medication that stops hispanic attacks

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

“You are what you eat”

I don’t remember eating anxiety and back problems

Dad and Daughter

So, there was a dad, and one night, the dad watched his daughter do her nightly prayers and she said, "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The next day, Grandpa died. The dad thought it could all be a coincidence, until the next night, when the dad was watching his...

A cop see's a suspicious teenager driving erratically,and pulls him over

The policeman notices the drivers red eyes, and the smell of cannabis on his breath, so asks him if he's been smoking pot

The teenager says "Yeah, but I've got a prescription for it"

"What's the prescription for? inquires the officer

"Anxiety, but I only get it when a cop pulls ...

Because of my social anxiety, I prefer to do things with very little people around me.

It makes me feel better being taller than everyone else.

There was a social anxiety convention

No one showed up.

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I get really bad anxiety when driving over bridges.

My therapist says I have truss issues.

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a guy has a crippling anxiety: he believes himself to be a kernel of corn

he seeks out the help of a therapist, who eventually has the man committed to an asylum. at the asylum, they work with him for months, until finally they have convinced him that he is NOT a kernel of corn, but in fact a man. they sign him out and he walks out the door, but not more than five minutes...

A redditor walks into a bar..

The owner says "what can I get for you?"

the reddit user immediately turns around and leaves due to his crushing anxiety.

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint...

While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent.
"Twenty four!" He calls out, before sitting back down, to which the estab...

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A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex.

Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching.

I heard you like reposts, so here's one from 114 years ago.

**TOWN AND COUNTRY**

The young woman who was boarding at the farmhouse expressed to the farmer her anxiety at the savage way in which the cow regarded her.

“It must be on account of that red blouse you’ve got on, miss,” answered the farmer.

“Dear me!” exclaimed the girl. “Of cou...

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

I have the three D’s

Depression, anxiety, and dyslexia.

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NSFW wife in a coma

A man and his wife are driving down a country lane when a deer runs in front of them, causing them to swerve and hit a tree. The husband is unharmed in the incident but the woman unfortunately hits her head and enters a coma.


Months roll by and the woman still remains coma stricken, with ...

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

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Timothy and Sarah are walking on a footpath by the beach...

They come across a sign which reads: "CAUTION: strong currents. Swim with care".

Frowning at this, Timothy turns to Sarah and asks, "Hey, are you seeing this?"

Confused, Sarah replies, "Seeing what?"

Timothy exclaims, "This is the third time we've seen that sign!!"

"Oh", ...

I always wanted to tell jokes...

I always wanted to tell jokes, but I had pretty severe social anxiety. So, I wrote the jokes down on pieces of paper and taped the paper to frisbees. Then I threw the frisbees at passers by so they could read my jokes.

The trouble was, most of them flew right over their heads.

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The Bard [Long]

Suzie was the teacher's pet - A's in every class. One day a stranger stood in front of the lecture hall for her writing course.
'Sorry students, your professor has been in a terrible accident and I will be leading this course for the remainder of the year.'
No problem - Suzie looked forward to...

I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles

Now I have SoCal anxiety

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A Rabbi and 3 Trids are traveling through the mountains ...

A Rabbi and 3 Trids are traveling through the mountains when they spy an angry looking troll at the top of the pass. It’s the only way to the other side.

The Rabbi is a little meek and asks if the Trids would be willing to go first. The Trids are a warrior people, and are there to protect the...

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There was a gentleman waiting to use the restroom...

...in a classy establishment, but the occupant was taking his time.



A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir", she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the...

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)

Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability t...

Hey cutie, are you the economy?

Because you're almost as crippling as my student loans and anxiety.

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A lounge owner is looking for a new pianist...

A man comes in to audition for the owner. He asks, "Is it alright if I play an original piece?"

The owner says, "That's fine. Begin whenever you're ready."

The man plays a beautiful score. The owner is so moved and overcome with emotion he can barely contain himself. When the pianist f...

Hey girl, are you a rickety bridge?

Cause youre giving me anxiety.

A group of researchers were interested in studying...

...some of the complex effects of stereotype threat in test-taking situations. Stereotype threat is a social psychology theory that states an individual may experience anxiety when they have the potential to confirm a negative stereotype, thus adversely affecting their performance on a test. For exa...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he was coming up to a group of chickens and has crippling social anxiety.

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Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

Who is he?

After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.

At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about...

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