Obsess Jokes - 120 Hilarious Obsess Jokes

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious.

And then I saw her face...

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

Got dumped because she said I was obsessed with boat puns

Canoe believe that?

My wife left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker.

I think she’s bluffing.

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A woman was obsessed with plastic surgery...

Her doc told her a new procedure had been developed- they put a knob on the back of your neck and every time you see a wrinkle, turn it one click to the right and the wrinkle will disappear. She came in right away and had the procedure done.

A few weeks later, she was having some issues and v...

As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine

As I got older I realized it was just a phase

I'm obsessed with buying beatles albums

I need help!

My girlfriend left me because of my “unhealthy obsession” with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!

My girlfriend said, “This is over. I’m tired of your weird obsession with wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

Me: Wait! I can change!

What might you catch an ABBA-obsessed assassin doing?

Halving the time of your life.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

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My wife says I'm obsessed with alliteration.

She seriously says some stupid shit sometimes.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

Why do ghosts obsess over expensive things?

Because they’re super boougie.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta

I'm feeling cannelloni right now

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

When I was in school, I was obsessed with using fractions.

Finally I realized …decimals have a point.

I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

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My therapist keeps telling me that I’m obsessed with vengeance…

We’ll see about that

What do you call a person obsessed with the powerhouse of the cell?

Mitochondriac

My girlfriend is not talking to me because of my obsession with Björk.

Its oh so quiet.

My wife left me because of my obsession with golf

It’s ok

I figured our relationship was on the 18th hole

I had an unhealthy obsession with lunar phases.

I’m really happy that I don’t anymore. I’m over the moon, in fact.

My wife,Rose,is leaving me because of my obsession with pens

Biros

My wife says I'm obsessed with my games console

I personally think that's a load of PS.

Your mama's so obsessive-compulsive

when she dropped her toothbrush in the toilet, she went out and got a new toilet

My wife left me because she said I was obsessed with astronomy

What planet is she on?

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I told my therapist about my obsession with the number 12.

But she dozen seem to care.

My girlfriend said my obsession with Only Fools And Horses was too much and asked me to go.

I said, I'll get the suitcase from the van...

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

I have become obsessed with collecting Beatles albums!

So far I've got 17 Revolvers, 8 Rubber Souls, 25 Sergeant Peppers, 6 Hard Days Nights, 12 White Albums, 14 Abbey Roads, 7 Yellow Submarines, 5 Let It Be's, 9 Please Please Me's, a couple of With The Beatles, 3 Beatles For Sales, and even a Magical Mystery Tour, BUT IT'S NEVER ENOUGH!

I NEED ...

My dog is obsessed with chasing people on bikes.

I’m honestly just impressed he can ride a bike.

I want to open a Star Wars themed cafe that caters to people who are obsessed with bubble tea.

I am going to call it Boba Fetish.

Obsessive Compulsive...

The representative body that supports people who suffer from OCD have petitioned the Government to change the acronym to CDO in alphabetical order the way it should be...

My wife has claimed I’m too obsessed with eighties music

I said to her “Don’t, don’t you want me?”

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what do you call a grown woman with a Lego obsession?

Legolass. And beautiful if you still want to be married.

To all of you who say I'm "obsessed with the metric system"

Don't judge me until you've walked 1609 metres in my shoes.

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

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My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with porn,

I wish she would see it from my POV.

Me and my friends from the obsessive compulsive support group are starting a rock cover band.

We’re calling ourselves OC/DC.

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

A farmer is obsessed with Tractors

His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors
...

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

i had to stop my father the second time he accused me of being obsessed with Madonna

Papa don´t preach, i said

Those who have an obsession with meat and anagrams are tough to please.

They're really hard to assuage.

My obsession with Doris Day songs is ruining my social life.

I already lost my friends Kay, Sarah, Sarah.

I think my dad is obsessed with air circulation.

I looked on his search history and it was all for "only fans." Weird.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

My Friend who was obsessed with the Monkees sadly passed away this week

So I sent his family Micky Dolenzes

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I recently quit masturbating because I found that it was an obsession in my life.

Currently, I haven't masturbated for thirty days sixteen minutes and forty seconds.

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My Sister is Obsessed With the Worst Guy Ever

To this day I don't understand what my little sister sees in this guy. He's unemployed and has absolutely no ambition to get a job. Not only does he rely on her for food but this fucker moved in as soon as they met despite my warnings to at least get to know him a little better before making such a ...

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My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

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My therapist said I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.

We'll see about that.

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

Hey guys I’m not obsessed with tidiness…

I just wanted to clear that up, have a nice day

My wife has left me due to my obsession with Blankety Blank!

What makes it worse is that she took all the _________ with her.

I once had a girlfriend who was obsessed with Sylvester Stallone movies, but at the time all I wanted to watch was Arnold Schwarzenegger. We'd argue frequently, but in the end she'd always win out.

Needless to say... It was a Rocky relationship.

My wife left me because of my obsession with cowboys

But that's ok cos this town ain't big enough for the both of us.

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

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Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm obsess with football

In my defence I got Kolarov,Otamendi,Thiago Silva and Dani Alves

My obsession with carbon borders on Freudian.

I guess you could call it a carbon fixation.

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Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts!

All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

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I have it on good authority that physicists are obsessed with tits.

I mean why else were they so desperate to find Higg's bosom?

My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles!

Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.

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I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

My Doctor finally managed to cure me of my obsession with the Muppets

He gave me an enema

followed by a Doo Doo do do do

My girlfriend wants me gone because of my obsession with cats.

Shes kicking meowt

My wife hated my obsession with Asian cuisine...

Sushi left me.

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp

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I wish Frasier would have a show about a copy editor in 1942 Germany that's blind, bilingual, narcoleptic, and obsessed with weights and measures.

He'd be a Grammar Grammer gram-er Nazi not-see nod si.

Did you ever hear about the doctor who was so obsessed with body building that it killed him?

I think his name was Frankenstein.

Why is the Pope obsessed with cats?

He's a cat-holic.

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts.

Been thinking about this all night.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

My wife's obsession with 69ing is costing me a fortune

Really wish she wouldn't touch the thermostat.

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My buddy Norman was a great guy, but he was obsessive about power poles.

True story. My buddy Norman had mental issues.

He used to go around with a slingshot, shooting stones at the insulators on power poles. The police would pick him up, hold him overnight, then let him go in the morning. He would eventually find a new slingshot, then go right back to shooti...

I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle

I donut care for them anymore though

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing overly intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism

they are always talking about marks and angles

There was this little boy who was obsessed with tractors...

...he grew up around tractors, his mother and father were both farmers, and the family lived on a farm. Every day he would get driven to school on a tractor, and his dad would always pick him up on a tractor. Whenever christmas came around, he would always wish for tractor toys, miniatures, and pret...

My wife left me because she says I’m too obsessed with football.

Oh well, we had 5 good seasons together.

My friend is an obsessed acarologist.

I'm so tired of his unsolicited tick pics.

My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.

Fortunately, I had another two lives.

My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?...

Find out next week!

I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

My my wife said she was leaving me because of my wierd obsession with Marvel characters.

I said, please Yondu that.

On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.

Whys was the internet so obsessed with the song "Cotton-Eyed Joe" for a short period of time?

I mean, where did it come from where did it go?

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was obsessive about cellophane wrap.

She was way too clingy.

My partner just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.

I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.

Why are people from Central Asia so obsessed with Eminem?

Because Afghan is stan.

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I have therapy for my obsession with junk food.

I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch."

"Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with the band Garbage.

Stupid Girl.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series am I?

9 3/4

My buddy who is obsessed with himself bought a speaker just to listen to his own memoirs.

It really speaks volumes about him as a person.

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery, he built models, he drew them, and spent all his free time going to his local farm just for a look at a combine harvester or a hay baler.

As he aged, his interest in mechanised agriculture slowly disappeared, and by the time he was married with...

Today I tore up my nun outfit after being obsessed with wearing it for a year.

I'm so glad I finally broke that habit

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This guy was obsessed with the Brigitte Bardot...

The French actress was a sex symbol in the 50s and 60s and was often referred to, just by her initials – B.B.

His wife thought he would indulge her husband’s obsession and decided to get a tattoo of the initials “B B”, with one letter on each of her butt cheeks. When she got home that night,...

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I knew a guy who was obsessed with guano

He was bat shit crazy

Why was the killer obsessed with dairy?

He/she was a Cereal Killer

What do you call a geometry teacher who’s obsessed with anime?

Daddy 10π

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession

She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer".

I said "But baby, I can change".

She said "There you go again!"

I once knew this strange guy who was obsessed with his old girlfriend even though she had already moved on

He was really ex-centric

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