UPJOKE
worryruminateghosthauntagonizebragfussedgloatfantasizeloathegrumbledetestdespisegossipingmope

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

I think my dad is obsessed with air circulation.

I looked on his search history and it was all for "only fans." Weird.

People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now.

A few members of the Obsessive Compulsive support group decided to start a band

The called it OCDC

To all of you who say I'm "obsessed with the metric system"

Don't judge me until you've walked 1609 metres in my shoes.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

Those who have an obsession with meat and anagrams are tough to please.

They're really hard to assuage.

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My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

When my wife threatened a divorce because of my obsession with the Shrek soundtrack, I thought she was joking.

But then I saw her face

My girlfriend left me because of my “unhealthy obsession” with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

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My Sister is Obsessed With the Worst Guy Ever

To this day I don't understand what my little sister sees in this guy. He's unemployed and has absolutely no ambition to get a job. Not only does he rely on her for food but this fucker moved in as soon as they met despite my warnings to at least get to know him a little better before making such a ...

Hey guys I’m not obsessed with tidiness…

I just wanted to clear that up, have a nice day

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I recently quit masturbating because I found that it was an obsession in my life.

Currently, I haven't masturbated for thirty days sixteen minutes and forty seconds.

When I was a child, I was obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.

Later on, I realized it was just a phase.

I'm so obsessed with odd numbers.

I can't even.

I once had a girlfriend who was obsessed with Sylvester Stallone movies, but at the time all I wanted to watch was Arnold Schwarzenegger. We'd argue frequently, but in the end she'd always win out.

Needless to say... It was a Rocky relationship.

My Friend who was obsessed with the Monkees sadly passed away this week

So I sent his family Micky Dolenzes

My Doctor finally managed to cure me of my obsession with the Muppets



He gave me an enema

followed by a Doo Doo do do do

My obsession with carbon borders on Freudian.

I guess you could call it a carbon fixation.

My dog is obsessed with chasing people on bikes.

I’m honestly just impressed he can ride a bike.

My wife left me because of my obsession with cowboys

But that's ok cos this town ain't big enough for the both of us.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

My wife thinks I am too obsessed with TV series

When I asked why she didn't say anything and left the room. I think that was a cliffhanger!

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

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There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

There's a psychiatrist having a meeting with 3 women and their 3 children.

The psychiatrist says: "After observing for an hour i can see you're all obsessed with something."

He says "the first woman's addiction is money, you even named your daughter penny!"

Then he says, pointin...

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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A man is taking a rohrschach test...

The doctor shows him an inkblot, and the man says "That looks like a huge pair of breasts".

The doctor shows him another inkblot, and the man says "That looks like a big thick cock".

The doctor shows him another inkblot, and the man says "That looks like a man fucking a woman in the as...

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I have it on good authority that physicists are obsessed with tits.

I mean why else were they so desperate to find Higg's bosom?

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker

But I think she's bluffing.

Did you ever hear about the doctor who was so obsessed with body building that it killed him?

I think his name was Frankenstein.

My girlfriend wants me gone because of my obsession with cats.

Shes kicking meowt

My girlfriend just broke up with me due to my linkin park obsession.

...But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

Why is the Pope obsessed with cats?

He's a cat-holic.

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

I don't know why girls are obsessed with vampires

They suck.

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My therapist said I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.

We'll see about that.

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

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I wish Frasier would have a show about a copy editor in 1942 Germany that's blind, bilingual, narcoleptic, and obsessed with weights and measures.

He'd be a Grammar Grammer gram-er Nazi not-see nod si.

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because of my obsession with American sitcoms.

Happy Days.

My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles!

Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.

I'm obsessed with buying Beatles albums

I need Help!

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

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I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

My wife hated my obsession with Asian cuisine...

Sushi left me.

My wife's obsession with 69ing is costing me a fortune

Really wish she wouldn't touch the thermostat.

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Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts!

All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

Im feeling canneloni right now

I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle

I donut care for them anymore though

My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.

Fortunately, I had another two lives.

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing overly intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

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Two Americans and a German gynecologist were having a drink...

After a few they start sharing stories from their professions. Since all 3 were gynecologists it soon became a brag-fest.

American 1: "I once had a patient who had a clitoris like a blueberry!"

American 2: "that's nothing, my last patient had one like a cherry!"

German: "I would...

Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism

they are always talking about marks and angles

My friend is an obsessed acarologist.

I'm so tired of his unsolicited tick pics.

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

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My buddy Norman was a great guy, but he was obsessive about power poles.

True story. My buddy Norman had mental issues.

He used to go around with a slingshot, shooting stones at the insulators on power poles. The police would pick him up, hold him overnight, then let him go in the morning. He would eventually find a new slingshot, then go right back to shooti...

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t shirt every hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

Why are people from Central Asia so obsessed with Eminem?

Because Afghan is stan.

My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?...

Find out next week!

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I have therapy for my obsession with junk food.

I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch."

"Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"

My wife left me because she says I’m too obsessed with football.

Oh well, we had 5 good seasons together.

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My wife says I'm obsessed with alliteration.

She seriously says some stupid shit sometimes.

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A man goes to see a psychologist.

He sits on the couch and says, "Doc I've been having a lot of trouble concentrating at work."

The doctor pulls out his inkblots. "What do you see when you look at this?" Holding the first inkblot up to the man's eyes, the man squints and replies, "Sex."

The doctor holds up a second ink...

My partner just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.

I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.

I am obsessed with bugs that give people Lyme Disease.

I might even be atickted to it.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with the band Garbage.

Stupid Girl.

My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm obsess with football

In my defence I got Kolarov,Otamendi,Thiago Silva and Dani Alves

On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery, he built models, he drew them, and spent all his free time going to his local farm just for a look at a combine harvester or a hay baler.

As he aged, his interest in mechanised agriculture slowly disappeared, and by the time he was married with...

My buddy who is obsessed with himself bought a speaker just to listen to his own memoirs.

It really speaks volumes about him as a person.

I think my ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with me

I've just found a photo of us in the bin outside her house.

What do you call a geometry teacher who’s obsessed with anime?

Daddy 10π

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

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This guy was obsessed with the Brigitte Bardot...

The French actress was a sex symbol in the 50s and 60s and was often referred to, just by her initials – B.B.

His wife thought he would indulge her husband’s obsession and decided to get a tattoo of the initials “B B”, with one letter on each of her butt cheeks. When she got home that night,...

My girlfriend and I were arguing as usual. She said "It's either me or your obsession with pointing out doors?"

I said "Well if you don't like it; the door is there".

Today I tore up my nun outfit after being obsessed with wearing it for a year.

I'm so glad I finally broke that habit

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

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I knew a guy who was obsessed with guano

He was bat shit crazy

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp

I once knew this strange guy who was obsessed with his old girlfriend even though she had already moved on

He was really ex-centric

Why was the killer obsessed with dairy?

He/she was a Cereal Killer

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

Justin Timberlake seems to have a weird obsession

with some river in Crimea

My my wife said she was leaving me because of my wierd obsession with Marvel characters.

I said, please Yondu that.

A friend of mine is a cowboy and is obsessed with miniature dachshunds

He's always saying "Get a long, little doggy"

My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.

Feeling cannelloni right now.

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My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with porn,

I wish she would see it from my POV.

I'm obsessed with watching cornstalks being pollinated by the wind

I obviously have a cornography addiction

I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession,

Good thing I suck at self deprecation.

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A man visits a therapist because he has an obsession with taking his pants and underwear off in public.

After contemplation, the therapist says:

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”

I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.

I think I might be a heroine addict.

My girlfriend is obsessed with making bread.

I think I we need to break up. She's far too kneady!

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

The last week or two I've been really obsessed with mixing things.

The last week of two I've been really obsessed with mixing things. I've been mixing anything and everything I can find, from pasta and sauce to the garbage in the trash can and the clothes in my drawer.


The weirdest thing is that when I start mixing something I have a hard time stopping! ...

I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

I like my new girlfriend, but I don’t understand her obsession with public bathrooms

Whenever we see one she tells me: “I used to make my boyfriends come here all the time.”
I don’t understand it!

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Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your ob...

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

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Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its ...

Give me your best kids knock-knock jokes!

My 4 year old is a budding comedian, and her new favourite is knock-knock jokes. She keeps asking me for new ones that she can tell to people, but I can't find many good ones that she will understand.

The current go-to's are:

Knock knock -- Who's there? -- Europe! -- Europe who? -- No,...

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

Whys was the internet so obsessed with the song "Cotton-Eyed Joe" for a short period of time?

I mean, where did it come from where did it go?

My friend is obsessed with naval destroyers.

He warships them.

My wife says she's leaving me because of my 'Obsession with Star Wars'

I said 'Please don't go, honey. You're the Obi-Wan for me..............'

I tried to build a car out of spaghetti, my wife lost her temper and said it would never work and threatened to leave me, anyway, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. After a while my obsession got the better of me and she walked out..

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Africa...

Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her!

Leo the Lion was the king of the jungle, and had a strange obsession of

collecting thrones. He had dozens of thrones that he was very proud of, and he stored them on the second floor of his grass hut.

Sadly, on day, the weight from all those thrones was too great for the grass hut and they all crashed through the floor onto Leo, killing him.

The moral of ...

There was a Chinese man who was obsessed with spoonerisms

He loved drinking chai tea and doing tai chi.

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