Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts!

All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

Im feeling canneloni right now

Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism

they are always talking about marks and angles

My girlfriend just broke up with me due to my linkin park obsession.

...But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish...

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final at...

My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker

But I think she's bluffing.

I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

My kid is obsessed with naruto, I am worried its gonna affect his

**Chakra**.

My wife thinks I’m obsessed with golf.

It came to a head in an argument at about 11.30 last night, when she yelled: “Golf! Golf! Golf! That’s all you ever think about!”

It frightened the life out of me. Well, you don’t expect to meet anyone on the 14th green at that time of night.

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

I think my ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with me

I've just found a photo of us in the bin outside her house.

My partner just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.

I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.

I am obsessed with bugs that give people Lyme Disease.

I might even be atickted to it.

What do you call a geometry teacher who’s obsessed with anime?

Daddy 10π

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy was obsessed with the Brigitte Bardot...

The French actress was a sex symbol in the 50s and 60s and was often referred to, just by her initials – B.B.

His wife thought he would indulge her husband’s obsession and decided to get a tattoo of the initials “B B”, with one letter on each of her butt cheeks. When she got home that night,...

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

My buddy who is obsessed with himself bought a speaker just to listen to his own memoirs.

It really speaks volumes about him as a person.

I once knew this strange guy who was obsessed with his old girlfriend even though she had already moved on

He was really ex-centric

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew a guy who was obsessed with guano

He was bat shit crazy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy Norman was a great guy, but he was obsessive about power poles.

True story. My buddy Norman had mental issues.

He used to go around with a slingshot, shooting stones at the insulators on power poles. The police would pick him up, hold him overnight, then let him go in the morning. He would eventually find a new slingshot, then go right back to shooti...

My wife threatened to leave me over my obsession with 70s american comedies.

Happy days!

My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?...

Find out next week!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Italian men get on a bus

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together aga...

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with the band Garbage.

Stupid Girl.

My wife left me because she says I’m too obsessed with football.

Oh well, we had 5 good seasons together.

A friend of mine is a cowboy and is obsessed with miniature dachshunds

He's always saying "Get a long, little doggy"

Justin Timberlake seems to have a weird obsession

with some river in Crimea

They say young men become obsessed with either "Atlas Shrugged" or "Lord of the Rings"

One is a fantasy that may cripple your ability to deal with reality, and the other is about orcs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[On the way to the therapist] Me: You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, won’t you?

Her: Yes.

Me: I knew it!!

Today I tore up my nun outfit after being obsessed with wearing it for a year.

I'm so glad I finally broke that habit

I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession,

Good thing I suck at self deprecation.

I'm obsessed with watching cornstalks being pollinated by the wind

I obviously have a cornography addiction

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery, he built models, he drew them, and spent all his free time going to his local farm just for a look at a combine harvester or a hay baler.

As he aged, his interest in mechanised agriculture slowly disappeared, and by the time he was married with...

My girlfriend told me she wanted to break up with me because of my obsession with water puns.

I told her that this isn't how I wanted our relationship to dry up.

On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.

My girlfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t shirt every hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits her mother and tell her she's divorcing her husband.

The mother replies:

But why? Your husband is super kind, good looking and is a millionaire. You're living in a castle, you're driving a rolls royce, you even have butlers!

Yes mother, but he is obsessed with anal sex. Everyday ha wants to put it in my ass.

Before i met him my as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist shows him an ink blot picture and asks him to say the first thing that he thinks of, to which he replies, "Sex." He shows him another and again he replies, "Sex." This continues through the whole set and every time he replies, "Sex." The psychiatrist is dismayed by this and tells th...

My girlfriend and I were arguing as usual. She said "It's either me or your obsession with pointing out doors?"

I said "Well if you don't like it; the door is there".

My my wife said she was leaving me because of my wierd obsession with Marvel characters.

I said, please Yondu that.

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

My college roommate was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what he is up to now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

I like my new girlfriend, but I don’t understand her obsession with public bathrooms

Whenever we see one she tells me: “I used to make my boyfriends come here all the time.”
I don’t understand it!

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

Why was the killer obsessed with dairy?

He/she was a Cereal Killer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

The last week or two I've been really obsessed with mixing things.

The last week of two I've been really obsessed with mixing things. I've been mixing anything and everything I can find, from pasta and sauce to the garbage in the trash can and the clothes in my drawer.


The weirdest thing is that when I start mixing something I have a hard time stopping! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your ob...

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Southerners are weirdly obsessed with ending hunger among Jews

Any time I visit my relatives down South, the first thing they ask is *Jew eat yet?*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother told me, my obsession with roosters is disturbing.

I told him there's nothing wrong with loving cocks.

I tried to build a car out of spaghetti, my wife lost her temper and said it would never work and threatened to leave me, anyway, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. After a while my obsession got the better of me and she walked out..

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist just told me that I am too obsessed with Vengeance.

We will see about that, you have my word


I told him as our session ended.

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

Leo the Lion was the king of the jungle, and had a strange obsession of

collecting thrones. He had dozens of thrones that he was very proud of, and he stored them on the second floor of his grass hut.

Sadly, on day, the weight from all those thrones was too great for the grass hut and they all crashed through the floor onto Leo, killing him.

The moral of ...

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with cars

I guess you could say I drove her away.

In college I became obsessed with the concept of a doppelgänger

I began a quest to find mine. After a year and half of tracking down leads, I uncovered his phone number. I immediately called him but the line was busy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says I'm obsessed with alliteration.

She seriously says some stupid shit sometimes.

I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.

I think I might be a heroine addict.

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

A Man Is Obsessed With Tractors

A man named John is obsessed with tractors. So obsessed that he has posters of tractors on his wall, tractor toys and even tractor bedsheets.

One day, John meets a woman and they start dating. But the woman is tired of all the tractor related items in Johns home.

Girl: John I really ...

My friend is obsessed with naval destroyers.

He warships them.

Why is America obsessed with money?

It was founded on checks and balances.

When I was young, I was obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.

As I got older, I realized it’s just a phase.

My wife was so fed up with my detective obsession that she said she wanted to split up.

"Good idea" I replied, "We can cover more ground that way".

I am a dyslexic with an obsession with 80s experimental music.

I can Phil it Collin in the air tonight

I met a lot of Australians recently

They are very unique folk. They are obsessed with eye color. Mine are, apparently, very amazing. Whenever I meet one, for whatever reason, the first thing they always say is "good eye."

My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.

My wife told me she's leaving me over my only fools and horses obsession.

I said I'll get my suitcase from the van.

My wife wants to leave me because of my obsession with FC Barcelona

I see a Messi divorce ahead.

There's a thin line between "Obsessive" and "Compulsive"

... it's a hyphen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist was testing a patient’s personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, “What does this remind you of?”

The patient answered, “Sex.”

The shrink drew a square and asked again, “What does this remind you of?”

“Sex,” the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

“It reminds me of sex,” the patient stated. ...

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.

Feeling cannelloni right now.

There was a Chinese man who was obsessed with spoonerisms

He loved drinking chai tea and doing tai chi.

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with porn,

I wish she would see it from my POV.

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a horse race announcer.

“And they’re off..”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My art teacher says that i am obsessed with The Rolling Stones and told me to stop painting their logo in her class.

So i Paint It Black

I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys

But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation

So he draws a horizontal line and asks him what that reminds him of. "A naked woman" he replies. So he draws a vertical line. "And this?" he asks "A naked woman." Doctor then draws an X and asks same question. "Two people having sex." comes the answer. "Hmmmmm" goes the doctor. "It seems you have ob...

My wife left me because of my obsession with Cher.

If I could turn back time

My wife says she's leaving me because of my 'Obsession with Star Wars'

I said 'Please don't go, honey. You're the Obi-Wan for me..............'

My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.

He has serious selfie steam issues.

My wife and kids are going to leave me accusing me of being obsessed with horse racing

And they’re offfffff

How would you describe an obsessive horologist with disassociative identity disorder?

Someone with too much time on his minds.

My Star Wars obsessed son wouldn't stop asking for a car.

So I bought him a toy Yoda.

I'm obsessed with bad jokes about arenas said in a German accent.

You'll understand venue experience them.

Dave and his Bob-Ross-Obsessed friend were playing chess.

Dave made a move, and immediately regretted it.

Dave went "whelp, that was a mistake."

His friend immediately shot back "It wasn't a mistake, just a happy accident."


Dave's brother in the next room over heard and replied, "Stop talking about me!"




(My best ...

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

My SO is kicking me out the house because apparently I’m obsessed with rap.

She told me 2pac my bags and leave.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Africa...

Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her!

My wife said my obsession with everything Muppets had put our relationship on fragile ground.

I took her hands in mine, looked her straight in the eyes and said, “Oh sweetheart, it’s *’down in Fraggle Rock.’*”

People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,

I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.

I knew a scientist who was obsessed with figuring out to clone a person. One day he figured it out. He was so excited.

He was beside himself.

Did you hear about the woman obsessed with 12 inch objects?

She had a "foot" fetish!

The new Director of Public Transportation is obsessed with "green" fuels.

He's made all the buses run on thyme.

what do you call a vocabulary obsession?

Addictionary.

My wife left me due to my obsession with Linkin Park...

She took the god damn kids.

I'm obsessed with my F1 key.

I think I need help.

If my wife thinks I'm obsessed with programming, she's crazy.

Endif

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.