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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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I wish Frasier would have a show about a copy editor in 1942 Germany that's blind, bilingual, narcoleptic, and obsessed with weights and measures.

He'd be a Grammar Grammer gram-er Nazi not-see nod si.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

I don't know why girls are obsessed with vampires

They suck.

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

My wife's obsession with 69ing is costing me a fortune

Really wish she wouldn't touch the thermostat.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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My therapist said I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.

We'll see about that.

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because of my obsession with American sitcoms.

Happy Days.

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles!

Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.

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I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

My girlfriend left me because of my Linkin Park obsession

But in the end it doesn't even matter

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.

Fortunately, I had another two lives.

I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle

I donut care for them anymore though

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing overly intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

My wife left because of my Pokemon obsession

It Tauros apart

My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker

But I think she's bluffing.

My friend is an obsessed acarologist.

I'm so tired of his unsolicited tick pics.

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Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts!

All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes

I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan


the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser....

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

Im feeling canneloni right now

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism

they are always talking about marks and angles

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

I know a guy who was obsessed with summing numbers

It was an addition

Why are people from Central Asia so obsessed with Eminem?

Because Afghan is stan.

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

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I have therapy for my obsession with junk food.

I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch."

"Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was obsessive about cellophane wrap.

She was way too clingy.

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

My partner just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.

I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.

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A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them
say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, t...

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My buddy Norman was a great guy, but he was obsessive about power poles.

True story. My buddy Norman had mental issues.

He used to go around with a slingshot, shooting stones at the insulators on power poles. The police would pick him up, hold him overnight, then let him go in the morning. He would eventually find a new slingshot, then go right back to shooti...

My buddy who is obsessed with himself bought a speaker just to listen to his own memoirs.

It really speaks volumes about him as a person.

I used to love tractors when I was a kid.

I had posters of them up on my walls, dozens of toy tractors I used to play with; I remember one year my parents surprised me for my birthday with a big cake in the shape of a tractor. They were an obsession.

As I grew older, I started to notice girls and put more thought into my studies, and...

I think my ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with me

I've just found a photo of us in the bin outside her house.

My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?...

Find out next week!

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A therapy support group session.

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mother and s...

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This guy was obsessed with the Brigitte Bardot...

The French actress was a sex symbol in the 50s and 60s and was often referred to, just by her initials – B.B.

His wife thought he would indulge her husband’s obsession and decided to get a tattoo of the initials “B B”, with one letter on each of her butt cheeks. When she got home that night,...

My wife left me because she says I’m too obsessed with football.

Oh well, we had 5 good seasons together.

I once knew this strange guy who was obsessed with his old girlfriend even though she had already moved on

He was really ex-centric

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I knew a guy who was obsessed with guano

He was bat shit crazy

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with the band Garbage.

Stupid Girl.

I studied the cantaloupe joke

I’ve done it! I studied the origin of the cantaloupe joke. Then I then fact checked it into the night, and oh my God, it works on every level! I now present to you, the cantaloupe joke, and why it works.

Why must a melon get married in a church and nowhere else?


Because, due to i...

Two guys become best friends in high school, bonding over their similar tastes in music.

After a while, one guy notices that whenever his friend is in a relationship, all he listens to is Liz Phair songs. And whenever he’s single, he goes back to his normal genres.

After high school, the two enlist together. During their first tour, the guy notices his friend is once again seemi...

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

Today I tore up my nun outfit after being obsessed with wearing it for a year.

I'm so glad I finally broke that habit

A friend of mine is a cowboy and is obsessed with miniature dachshunds

He's always saying "Get a long, little doggy"

On a scale of one to ten, my obsession with Harry Potter

is nine and three quarters.

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery, he built models, he drew them, and spent all his free time going to his local farm just for a look at a combine harvester or a hay baler.

As he aged, his interest in mechanised agriculture slowly disappeared, and by the time he was married with...

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t shirt every hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

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A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation

So the psychiatrist draws a horizontal line and asks him what that reminds him of. "A naked woman" he replies. So he draws a vertical line. "And this?" he asks "A naked woman." Doctor then draws an X and asks the same question. "Two people having sex." comes the answer. "Hmmmmm" goes the doctor. "It...

They say young men become obsessed with either "Atlas Shrugged" or "Lord of the Rings"

One is a fantasy that may cripple your ability to deal with reality, and the other is about orcs.

I'm obsessed with watching cornstalks being pollinated by the wind

I obviously have a cornography addiction

I heard self-deprecation is a sign of self obsession,

Good thing I suck at self deprecation.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

My girlfriend and I were arguing as usual. She said "It's either me or your obsession with pointing out doors?"

I said "Well if you don't like it; the door is there".

My my wife said she was leaving me because of my wierd obsession with Marvel characters.

I said, please Yondu that.

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

Justin Timberlake seems to have a weird obsession

with some river in Crimea

Why was the killer obsessed with dairy?

He/she was a Cereal Killer

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A man visits a therapist because he has an obsession with taking his pants and underwear off in public.

After contemplation, the therapist says:

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”

I had to see a psychiatrist recently after becoming obsessed with a specific shade of purple

Apparently I’m Plum Crazy

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My wife says I'm obsessed with alliteration.

She seriously says some stupid shit sometimes.

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

My college roommate was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what he is up to now.

I like my new girlfriend, but I don’t understand her obsession with public bathrooms

Whenever we see one she tells me: “I used to make my boyfriends come here all the time.”
I don’t understand it!

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine

As I got older I realized it was just a phase

The last week or two I've been really obsessed with mixing things.

The last week of two I've been really obsessed with mixing things. I've been mixing anything and everything I can find, from pasta and sauce to the garbage in the trash can and the clothes in my drawer.


The weirdest thing is that when I start mixing something I have a hard time stopping! ...

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm obsess with football

In my defence I got Kolarov,Otamendi,Thiago Silva and Dani Alves

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Southerners are weirdly obsessed with ending hunger among Jews

Any time I visit my relatives down South, the first thing they ask is *Jew eat yet?*

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.

I think I might be a heroine addict.

Did you know the DragonX team is obsessed with cleanliness?

They even scrubbed today's mission! (Too soon?)

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its ...

I tried to build a car out of spaghetti, my wife lost her temper and said it would never work and threatened to leave me, anyway, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. After a while my obsession got the better of me and she walked out..

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.

Feeling cannelloni right now.

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

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My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with porn,

I wish she would see it from my POV.

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My therapist just told me that I am too obsessed with Vengeance.

We will see about that, you have my word


I told him as our session ended.

Leo the Lion was the king of the jungle, and had a strange obsession of

collecting thrones. He had dozens of thrones that he was very proud of, and he stored them on the second floor of his grass hut.

Sadly, on day, the weight from all those thrones was too great for the grass hut and they all crashed through the floor onto Leo, killing him.

The moral of ...

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with cars

I guess you could say I drove her away.

My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.

My wife was so fed up with my detective obsession that she said she wanted to split up.

"Good idea" I replied, "We can cover more ground that way".

In college I became obsessed with the concept of a doppelgänger

I began a quest to find mine. After a year and half of tracking down leads, I uncovered his phone number. I immediately called him but the line was busy.

I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

A Man Is Obsessed With Tractors

A man named John is obsessed with tractors. So obsessed that he has posters of tractors on his wall, tractor toys and even tractor bedsheets.

One day, John meets a woman and they start dating. But the woman is tired of all the tractor related items in Johns home.

Girl: John I really ...

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now.

Why is America obsessed with money?

It was founded on checks and balances.

My wife told me she's leaving me over my only fools and horses obsession.

I said I'll get my suitcase from the van.

My friend is obsessed with naval destroyers.

He warships them.

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My art teacher says that i am obsessed with The Rolling Stones and told me to stop painting their logo in her class.

So i Paint It Black

There was a Chinese man who was obsessed with spoonerisms

He loved drinking chai tea and doing tai chi.

I am a dyslexic with an obsession with 80s experimental music.

I can Phil it Collin in the air tonight

My wife wants to leave me because of my obsession with FC Barcelona

I see a Messi divorce ahead.

My wife says she's leaving me because of my 'Obsession with Star Wars'

I said 'Please don't go, honey. You're the Obi-Wan for me..............'

There's a thin line between "Obsessive" and "Compulsive"

... it's a hyphen.

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

My wife and kids are going to leave me accusing me of being obsessed with horse racing

And they’re offfffff

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a horse race announcer.

“And they’re off..”

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys

But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Africa...

Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her!

My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.

He has serious selfie steam issues.

I'm obsessed with my F1 key.

I think I need help.

My Star Wars obsessed son wouldn't stop asking for a car.

So I bought him a toy Yoda.

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

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