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My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker.

I think she’s bluffing.

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

What might you catch an ABBA-obsessed assassin doing?

Halving the time of your life.

Why do ghosts obsess over expensive things?

Because they’re super boougie.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta

I'm feeling cannelloni right now

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My therapist keeps telling me that I’m obsessed with vengeance…

We’ll see about that

My wife,Rose,is leaving me because of my obsession with pens

Biros

My wife left me because she said I was obsessed with astronomy

What planet is she on?

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I told my therapist about my obsession with the number 12.

But she dozen seem to care.

My girlfriend said my obsession with Only Fools And Horses was too much and asked me to go.

I said, I'll get the suitcase from the van...

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, and don’t even mention your obsession with Tennis.

I replied, "That's 15 love."

As a child, I had a real obsession with Posh Spice

It cost my Mum a fortune in saffron

I have become obsessed with collecting Beatles albums!

So far I've got 17 Revolvers, 8 Rubber Souls, 25 Sergeant Peppers, 6 Hard Days Nights, 12 White Albums, 14 Abbey Roads, 7 Yellow Submarines, 5 Let It Be's, 9 Please Please Me's, a couple of With The Beatles, 3 Beatles For Sales, and even a Magical Mystery Tour, BUT IT'S NEVER ENOUGH!

I NEED ...

My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Obsessive Compulsive...

The representative body that supports people who suffer from OCD have petitioned the Government to change the acronym to CDO in alphabetical order the way it should be...

I want to open a Star Wars themed cafe that caters to people who are obsessed with bubble tea.

I am going to call it Boba Fetish.

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My therapist told me I am obsessed with revenge

But I'll show him!

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what do you call a grown woman with a Lego obsession?

Legolass. And beautiful if you still want to be married.

Me and my friends from the obsessive compulsive support group are starting a rock cover band.

We’re calling ourselves OC/DC.

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

My girlfriend left me because of my “unhealthy obsession” with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!

A farmer is obsessed with Tractors

His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors
...

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now.

i had to stop my father the second time he accused me of being obsessed with Madonna

Papa don´t preach, i said

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

To all of you who say I'm "obsessed with the metric system"

Don't judge me until you've walked 1609 metres in my shoes.

My obsession with Doris Day songs is ruining my social life.

I already lost my friends Kay, Sarah, Sarah.

One a scale of number one to number ten, my obsession with the Beatles is

number nine, number nine, number nine...

I think my dad is obsessed with air circulation.

I looked on his search history and it was all for "only fans." Weird.

When my wife threatened a divorce because of my obsession with the Shrek soundtrack, I thought she was joking.

But then I saw her face

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Boy, I slept like a baby.

I woke up screaming every 30 minutes and was obsessed with boobs all night long.

Those who have an obsession with meat and anagrams are tough to please.

They're really hard to assuage.

When I was a child, I was obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.

Later on, I realized it was just a phase.

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My Sister is Obsessed With the Worst Guy Ever

To this day I don't understand what my little sister sees in this guy. He's unemployed and has absolutely no ambition to get a job. Not only does he rely on her for food but this fucker moved in as soon as they met despite my warnings to at least get to know him a little better before making such a ...

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I recently quit masturbating because I found that it was an obsession in my life.

Currently, I haven't masturbated for thirty days sixteen minutes and forty seconds.

My dog is obsessed with chasing people on bikes.

I’m honestly just impressed he can ride a bike.

My Friend who was obsessed with the Monkees sadly passed away this week

So I sent his family Micky Dolenzes

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My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

Hey guys I’m not obsessed with tidiness…

I just wanted to clear that up, have a nice day

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

I once had a girlfriend who was obsessed with Sylvester Stallone movies, but at the time all I wanted to watch was Arnold Schwarzenegger. We'd argue frequently, but in the end she'd always win out.

Needless to say... It was a Rocky relationship.

My girlfriend just broke up with me due to my linkin park obsession.

...But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

My wife has left me due to my obsession with Blankety Blank!

What makes it worse is that she took all the _________ with her.

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

My wife left me because of my obsession with cowboys

But that's ok cos this town ain't big enough for the both of us.

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

My obsession with carbon borders on Freudian.

I guess you could call it a carbon fixation.

My Doctor finally managed to cure me of my obsession with the Muppets



He gave me an enema

followed by a Doo Doo do do do

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My therapist said I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.

We'll see about that.

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There once live a man named Keith.

Keith’s mother had instilled in him the wisdom of an old adage: “Obsessions are only a problem if you have fewer than two.” To that end, Keith made sure that he always had at least two obsessions on the go. And as the years passed, and Keith married and settled down, two particular passions endured...

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

I don't know why girls are obsessed with vampires

They suck.

My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles!

Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.

My girlfriend wants me gone because of my obsession with cats.

Shes kicking meowt

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

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Found out why Americans are obsessed with breasts!

All their cooking recipes are in cup sizes

I'm obsessed with buying Beatles albums

I need Help!

Why is the Pope obsessed with cats?

He's a cat-holic.

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I have it on good authority that physicists are obsessed with tits.

I mean why else were they so desperate to find Higg's bosom?

Did you ever hear about the doctor who was so obsessed with body building that it killed him?

I think his name was Frankenstein.

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My wife says I'm obsessed with alliteration.

She seriously says some stupid shit sometimes.

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

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I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t shirt every hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

My girlfriend says she's leaving me because I'm obsess with football

In my defence I got Kolarov,Otamendi,Thiago Silva and Dani Alves

My wife hated my obsession with Asian cuisine...

Sushi left me.

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

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I wish Frasier would have a show about a copy editor in 1942 Germany that's blind, bilingual, narcoleptic, and obsessed with weights and measures.

He'd be a Grammar Grammer gram-er Nazi not-see nod si.

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The psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

\- "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said,

\- "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to t...

My wife's obsession with 69ing is costing me a fortune

Really wish she wouldn't touch the thermostat.

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism

they are always talking about marks and angles

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My buddy Norman was a great guy, but he was obsessive about power poles.

True story. My buddy Norman had mental issues.

He used to go around with a slingshot, shooting stones at the insulators on power poles. The police would pick him up, hold him overnight, then let him go in the morning. He would eventually find a new slingshot, then go right back to shooti...

I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle

I donut care for them anymore though

My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.

Fortunately, I had another two lives.

My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?...

Find out next week!

My wife left me because she says I’m too obsessed with football.

Oh well, we had 5 good seasons together.

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing overly intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

My friend is an obsessed acarologist.

I'm so tired of his unsolicited tick pics.

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming,

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp

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My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with porn,

I wish she would see it from my POV.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with the band Garbage.

Stupid Girl.

My partner just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.

I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she was obsessive about cellophane wrap.

She was way too clingy.

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery

A young boy was obsessed with farming machinery, he built models, he drew them, and spent all his free time going to his local farm just for a look at a combine harvester or a hay baler.

As he aged, his interest in mechanised agriculture slowly disappeared, and by the time he was married with...

My girlfriend and I were arguing as usual. She said "It's either me or your obsession with pointing out doors?"

I said "Well if you don't like it; the door is there".

Why are people from Central Asia so obsessed with Eminem?

Because Afghan is stan.

I am obsessed with bugs that give people Lyme Disease.

I might even be atickted to it.

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I have therapy for my obsession with junk food.

I'm not making much progress. My therapist said to me recently "You've fallen off the wagon, we'll have to start from scratch."

"Hang on," I replied, "Did you say wagon wheel?!"

Justin Timberlake seems to have a weird obsession

with some river in Crimea

My my wife said she was leaving me because of my wierd obsession with Marvel characters.

I said, please Yondu that.

Today I tore up my nun outfit after being obsessed with wearing it for a year.

I'm so glad I finally broke that habit

My buddy who is obsessed with himself bought a speaker just to listen to his own memoirs.

It really speaks volumes about him as a person.

Why was the killer obsessed with dairy?

He/she was a Cereal Killer

I'm sick and tired of your obsession with walkietalkies, this relationship is over!

This relationship is what? Over.

I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.

I think I might be a heroine addict.

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Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

What do you call a geometry teacher who’s obsessed with anime?

Daddy 10π

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I knew a guy who was obsessed with guano

He was bat shit crazy

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.

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Two Americans and a German gynecologist were having a drink...

After a few they start sharing stories from their professions. Since all 3 were gynecologists it soon became a brag-fest.

American 1: "I once had a patient who had a clitoris like a blueberry!"

American 2: "that's nothing, my last patient had one like a cherry!"

German: "I would...

I once knew this strange guy who was obsessed with his old girlfriend even though she had already moved on

He was really ex-centric

Whys was the internet so obsessed with the song "Cotton-Eyed Joe" for a short period of time?

I mean, where did it come from where did it go?

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts.

Been thinking about this all night.

Golfing

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in...

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