UPJOKE
triumphacquirevictorygainwinnergetprevaillosechampionshipcompetepasscarryhitwinningmake it

Won Jokes

Who won the presidential debate last night?

People who didn't watch

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

If I won $1.28B, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.

Not sure what I’d do with the other $1,279,999,999.75 though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed".

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping.

It’s giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.

I won $1M in the lottery

I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man says to wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s onl...

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.

Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?


NaBrO.

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I WON! I WON!

man comes rushing into his house, and yells to his wife:
"honey, pack your bags! i won the lottery!!"
the wife says:
"oh my god! what should i pack for, the mountains or the beach?!?"
the man replies:
"i don't care, just get the fuck out!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the...

My coworker just found out she won’t be able to attend next week’s Innuendo Conference…

I guess I’ll have to fill her slot instead.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

The mechanical engineer says:
“It’s a broken starter”

The electrical engineer says:
“Dead battery”

The chemical engineer says:
“Impurities in the gasoline”

The IT engineer says:
“Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in”

If Hillary Clinton won she would’ve been the first F president.

I didn’t say female because someone deleted the emale.

My wife won a beauty pageant in Alabama last night.

I was so proud. She and I also won the loveliest father and daughter of the evening too.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won.

I replied, "Yeah, man, you're free."

Who won the race between the priest and the nun?

It was the priest, because he "pastor" a while back.

I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

Luckliy it was only a virus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won a dick measuring competition.

I measured more dicks than everyone!

You know how people were joking about 2021 sounding like “2020 won”?

Well, next year is 2020 too.

Only when that year is over will it finally be 2020 free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

Who says building a border wall won’t work?

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans.

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery.

She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's $5 and there is the door."

Mayweather won.

That's it, that's the joke.

What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I’ve won, but at what cost?

Who won the first Tour De France?

The 2nd Panzer Division.

I just won $10 in the lottery

The lottery boy came and wanted to sell me a $10 lottery ticket.

I said no.

/r/Jokes won the International Green Awards!

96% recycled content.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start

BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

A man won at the Mathematical Olympiad.

When he wanted to claim his prize, the jury made him an offer: "You have two options: Either you get 10,000$ cash right here, right now plus a brand new car. That's your first option!
Or we take a chess board, put one cent on the first field, two cents on the second field and so on and so fo..." ...

I once won a pumpkin carving contest.

It was a hollow victory.

Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.

Because it’s made in China.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always thought bonsai competitions were biased towards Japanese entrants, that's why I never won.



Until I saw my bigotry.

It's ironic that Parasite won.

Because there was no host for the Oscars.

Huh? Huh?
I'll show myself out.

Thank you for the silver star!. My first!

Did you hear? Gaston won an award!

He won the No Belle prize.

Who won the World Cup?

Qatar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home from a long day at work and asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"I'd take half and leave your sorry ass!" She replied. "Well" He said "I just won 2 bucks on a scratch off. Here's a dollar, now get the fuck out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once won a fight that was five against one.

We really kicked the shit out of that guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field

I once won a 5 on 1 street fight.

We kicked that guy's ass!

The guy who invented the knock-knock jokes won a Nobel Prize

No-bell...

My dad just won the nonexistent Grammy joke competition.

We're watching the Grammys as a family when the Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood performance came up. We watched it in silence and then talked about the performance once it finished. My mother thought Sam Hunt looked similar to someone and thus the joke begins:

Mom: "Hmm. That guy looks like som...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the de...

"Suzy, I won the lottery! 4 million dollars! Pack your suitcase!"

\-"Do I need to pack winter or summer clothes?"

"I don't care. Just leave."

I asked my friend to spell won ton backwards…

He said “not now”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why won’t cannibalistic children eat homosexuals and cripples?

Because kids don’t like to eat fruits and vegetables.

No matter how much I torture him, Gollum won’t tell me where the Ring is.

Bad hobbits are really hard to break.

My computer program won’t run

Did I need to install legs or something?

Who won the asian cooking contest?

It was a Thai

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

Why won’t Dracula bite Mick Jagger?

Cause you can’t get blood out of a stone.

Who won the furniture competition?

It was a drawer

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

I won a scentific reward today!

I actually made a helpful contribution to humanity! the scientific community has rewarded my work!


I can't wait to display this new "darwin award" I got!

How did the zombie know they won the lottery?

It was a dead giveaway

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it.

So wake me up when it’s all over

an English cat, called one, two, three, and a French cat called un, deux, trois had a race across the English channel. which cat won?

The English cat, because the Un, Deux, trois cat sank.

The relay race was close, but eventually we won.

For a while, it was touch-and-go.

I heard USA today just won a Pulitzer

"Best investigative paragraph"

My college roommate got a pet parrot. That damn thing won’t ever shut up.

The parrot is cool though.

My wife died and I won the lottery.

The genie says I have one wish left.

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?

What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

I won an Iphone 13 in a race

The other two competitors are: the owner of the phone and police officers

If you cry people won’t notice you, if you smile people won’t notice you too

But if you fart it is completely different story

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After Brendan Fraser won an Oscar for The Whale, my wife suggested we make a movie about my penis.

The Minnow.

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

My wife won a regional Tastiest Coochie award

She won't stop rubbing it in my face

Why I won’t take the Covid Vaccine

The first smallpox vaccine came out in 1796 and 100% of the recipients are dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

Why I won’t be voting for Trump or Biden

I’m Indian

I won’t vaccinate my kids.

I’ll leave that to a professional.

I helped make a joke but it won’t be ready for a few months.

I hope it’s a boy.

Caitlyn Jenner won Woman of the Year on 2015

Proving that even when men are women... they're better at it than women are.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot Irish Blonde at Casino

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude."
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the D...

My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore...

Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the c...

One of my happiest memory is when I won the science fair in highschool.

I mixed charcoal, saltpetre and sulfur and blew away the competition

I won a lifetime supply of canned pineapple.

I'm looking forward to living on the Dole.

What does the Sun do, that my wife won't?

Go down on me every evening.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my employees today complained that the sundae lids won’t fit.

I told her “Well duh, that’s because it’s Monday!”

They are so done with my bullshit today. Lol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Who won the superbowl?

Tune in after the weekend to find out

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

I won a 1v5 fight today

Man we creamed that guy!

A man’s wife is very concerned about the horrible dandruff he has, and the fact that he won’t go to the doctor about it.

So she goes to the doctor on his behalf, and she says doctor, my husband has horrible dandruff and he won’t do anything about it and I am at my wits end with the skin flakes all over the bed sheets and pillows, what can I do?

The doctor says, give him head and shoulders, and see if that help...

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.

(Edit: no, you won’t)

What type of people won’t stop warning about the end of the world?

Flat earthers

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

Once I won.....

Once I won the game, I threw the ball into the crowd, but apparently that's frowned upon when playing bowling.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

I reckon I could have won something at the youth olympics

If it wasn't for all those medalling kids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a joke and another man’s dick?

Jada Pinkett won’t take a joke

My mom won’t let my dad go to the store

The cashier’s always checking him out

I just won a farting contest.

The judges were blown away.

Biden has won so many times in Michigan now

he's legally required to change his name to Ohio State.

I won the first place in the Politically correct quiz contest

To be fair, so did the rest of them

My little brother won a goldfish at the local fair. Sadly, the next morning he was floating dead in his little pond.

So now I have to look after the fish.

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

What is the best “safe word”?

Meatloaf, because I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

What does a Dallas Cowboys fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?

He turns off the PlayStation.

I've just won the 2013 'Most secretive person' award.

I can't tell you how much it means to me.

After going to the casino every weekend for years, I finally won big. A brand new Nissan.

I call it my Vice Versa.

Reddit should rename 'karma' to 'creddit', 'share' to 'spreddit' and 'delete' to 'shreddit'. If they do, they won't regreddit.

They probably won't, and i don't geddit.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.