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It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

Timezones are so weird like, it’s june 1 in Australia, May 31 in Canada

and still 1920 in America

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to this realization.

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My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”

I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

English can be weird ...

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

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Karma is a weird name...

They should rename "karma" to "creddit"

They should also rename the "share" button to "spreaddit"

They should then also rename the "delete" button to "shreddit"

But they don't, and I don't geddit

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not.

Source: course

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I was watching a really weird porno yesterday, it was a fat man wanking and crying..

Then i realised i hadn't switched the tv on...

I had this weird dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram...

I was like 0mg!

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you are thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my grandpa caught me masturbating.

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My wife has a really weird fetish

She likes to dress up as herself, and then be a complete bitch all the time.

The fortune cookie I got with my chinese food today was weird...

It said, ”FREE ME FROM THIS FACTORY
Lucky Numbers 23.5° N, 121.0° E”

My friend is called Mutepaul. It's a weird name. It's pronounced "paul"...

...because the mute is silent.

2020 is a weird year

5 years ago i entered a bank in a mask and i got forced to quarantine for years, today i got praised for it.. weird times to be alive

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

I was a little weirded out when I walked into my friend’s room and saw a dart board stuck on the ceiling.

Eventually I had to throw up.

It’s weird going to the grocery store now a days.

You can never tell who is gonna rob the place.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranged the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

I told my wife her toe looks weird

She said “That’s a little callous”

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

Glass tastes really weird

Not sure why, but it tastes a lot like blood

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UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Pandemic dating is weird. Last night I asked a girl at the grocery store for her digits ...

And she wrote down her temperature.

Weird guy on a bus stop

Weird guy on a bus stop keeps kissing every bus he can find. Going from one bus to another, he caresses them gently and sweet talks them while people keep staring. He doesn't care and keeps doing it.

One of the fresh bystanders realises that it's actually a good friend of his so he quickly ru...

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A girl with 12 boobs sounds weird.

dozen tit

Three men meet a weird car salesman.

Three men, childhood friends, are looking to get new cars. They travel to an odd-looking dealership. They approach the salesman.

Salesman: Greetings, gentlemen. How may I help you today?

The respond that they want new cars.

Salesman: Very well. Answer me one question, and I shal...

Wanna know the weird thing about dead babies?

They’re still born

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Southerners are weirdly obsessed with ending hunger among Jews

Any time I visit my relatives down South, the first thing they ask is *Jew eat yet?*

Spanish doctor works at my hospital. Never wears PPE, never washes his hands. Just dips his fingers in black ink constantly. It's a bit weird, so I ask him how he stays safe and what the ink is for.

He just smiles and says:

"No one infects the Spanish ink physician"

“Weird Al” Yankovic on Tuesday rejected fans’ requests for a “My Corona” parody about the deadly coronavirus.

That would have gone viral.

When I was younger everyone called me weird because I didn't have a gag reflex.

Now they just call me

Is it weird that I have a trashcan in my car?

My friend just looked at it and said that most people just call it a "back seat"

What do you do when you're weirdly attracted to a chess player, but can't make out whether they're a guy or a girl?

Check and mate

You know times are weird when

Things that you wipe your aas with are the most priced possessions

My dog was walking a little weird but then I realised...

He had two left feet.

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

Time zones are weird - Australia is in 2020. America is in 2019..

Des Moines is in 1998, Alabama in 1865, Saudi Arabia 1576.

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It’s weird they named Virginia after the Queen’s virginity...

That would be like naming Jamestown Prematureejaculationville.

Whats the weird fleshy thing between a sharks teeth called?

A surfer

My girlfriend told me I sound kind of weird when I refer to her parents as father and mother

She told me it's best to shorten it to sound more young and modern

Her parents didn't take it well when I said "Good morning, Fat and Moth"

Noelle is a weird name.

Mostly because there‘s 2 of them right towards the end.

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My girlfriend has this weird fetish...

Whenever we have sex she likes to pretend she's 15 years old. It kinda bothered me, and finally one day I told her, "Baby, you don't have to keep doing this. For fuck's sake, your birthday is in 3 months!

I think it’s weird that we call childbirth “delivery”.

Shouldn’t it be called “takeout” instead?

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

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It’d be weird if a woman had a boob made out of wood...

Wooden tit?

Four men are in the hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."

"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! ...

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What do pandas say on Halloween?

Bam-BOO!

That's the entire joke but this subreddit won't let me post such a short joke, so I'll tell a little story like one of those irritating-as-fuck internet recipe intros that gives WTMI.
My four year old is fascinated by finding the perfect joke. He'll often pick up on jokes from tv ...

A weird little German kid just handed me a bunch of yellow metal

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder

They’re all kinds of weird fetishs out there. Some people even get off on graphing.

Thats where I draw the line.





I’ll see myself out.

My husband has weird fantasies

Like being loyal

My ananas is acting weird...

it's gone completely bananas...

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Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds...

I make sure I eat my hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

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My girlfriend just left me because I am always giving weird nicknames to my penis.

I guess I have to take Matters in my own hands.

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Such a Weird Religion!

In a feast, a Catholic priest was sat next to a Jewish man.

The priest, who wanted to make fun of the Jew, put some bacon on his dish and said:

\- Sir, would you like some of this bacon?

\- Thanks, but don't you know pork is not allowed in my religion?

\- Wheeeew, such a ...

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby is due

She looked at me weird and said, “the baby is mine, I get to keep it.”

I have this weird condition where I wake up every morning at precisely 8:50 a.m., but the doctor said it’s nothing to worry about.

It’s just ten-to-ninetis.

American: You British people spell things weird.

Brit: no U.

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

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This is my dog. he’s weird tho all he talks about are trees

**HER:** because he says bark? haha that’s funn-

**MY DOG:** the sequoiadendron giganteum is the largest tree in the world. it is 52,500 cubic feet (1,487 cubic meters) in volume

**HER:** what the fuck

I have this weird ability to tell what is inside wrapped presents

It is a gift

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Is it weird to to take shits in public bathrooms?

Because the dude in the stall I took it from seemed pretty creeped out...

I was gonna comment on this weird thing my dog does where no matter how badly he has to go, he always waits until he gets to the exact same spot to go to the bathroom.

But then I realized I do the same thing, so who am I to criticize.

Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

Decided to eat some chips yesterday

Apparently that's "super weird" and "completely inappropriate at a poker game"

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I haven't made my mind up about masturbation.

And its weird.. because on one hand it feels good.




Not my joke. Credit goes to Bo Burnham.

A cowboy gets captured by Indians...

So a cowboy gets captured by indians. The indian chief comes up to him and says "ok, we're going to kill you, but I'll grant you three request before we do". The cowboy says "ok, first I'd like to talk to my horse. The chief thinks this is weird but says yes.

The cowboy whispers in his hors...

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,

and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding ...

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Three soldiers come back home from a gruesome battle in Afganistan

The army tells them “You will be given the highest decorations, and you will also receive ANYTHING you wish for”

The first soldier says “ I want 2 Million dollars” and it’s done

The second one goes “Damn, these guys aren’t fucking around huh...I want 5 Million” and gets them

The...

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If I had a band

If I ever started a band I'd vote to name it something like "dicks in the ass" so when it was brought up in conversation, it would go something like this:

Person 1: Dude! I heard this awesome song yesterday!

Person 2: Oh yeah? Who wrote it?!

Person 1: Dicks in the ass

P...

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Mickey and Minnie go to a therapist...

Therapist: “Mickey, I understand you’re not happy. But is divorce really worth it? Just because you think Minnie is weird?

Mickey: “Weird?! I said she was fucking Goofy!”

What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

A mathematician walked into a restaurant, and there was Euler himself, eating from an empty plate.

"What are you doing?" The mathematician asked, confused.

"I'm eating my pie, what does it look like?". Euler replied.

The mathematician knew Euler was a weird guy, but he wasn't going to pass on the opportunity to talk to one of his heroes, so he walked up to the stool beside him.
<...

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

Most people have weird things that turn them on

But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

My weird uncle came into show and tell with me when I was younger.

Worst funeral ever.

What do you call it when a person has a weird attraction to the best bounty hunter in the galaxy?

A Fett-ish.

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I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus,

I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:


They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"

I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".

I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...

I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...

You know what's weird?

Its weird that people in wheelchairs never do stand-up comedy.

I heard a bunch of weird noises coming from the graveyard last night...

I guess some of the skeletons were coffin'.

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A man with an itch goes to a house of ill repute. He walks in and is greeted by a seedy looking man with a vast array of keys behind him...

“I have $100, what will that get me?” Asks the client.

Grabbing a key behind him the proprietor turns around and tells the man, “second floor, down the hall, third door on the right.”

After a bit the man passes by on his way out the door and tells the proprietor, “that was the best sex...

Best dad joke ever.

Son : Dad, why was I named after you?

Dad : Because it would have been weird if you were named before me.

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My axe has been making weird sounds lately...

Such as: "Ouch!", "Oh shit!" "Stop!" "No!" "Please!"

A child wasn't toilet trained yet.

Whenever he used to go out with his mother, he would always say, "Mom, I wanna pee!", "Mom, I wanna pee!" His mother would quickly take him to a public toilet or to the bushes or something, so that he stops saying that.

Now obviously the mother used to feel embarrassed, since everyone around ...

Due to COVID-19 a grocery store started paying its employees in vegetables

It was a weird celery

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A husband and wife are at the table eating dinner.

The husband asks the wife, “Would you wear shoes if you didn’t have any feet?”

The wife, surprised by this weird question replied, “No, obviously not.”

The husband, expecting this answer from his wife cunningly asks, “Then why the fuck do you wear a bra?”

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

A lot of people think my father was weird

But he was a lovely man, and a great kisser

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my boyfriend was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhe...

Had a weird dream last night, it was about the ocean but the water was soda

It was all just a Fanta Sea

Why is Jesus acting so weird lately?

Because he alone is the most high

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Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...

Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.

A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...

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"Sexual favor" is such a weird term.

"Hey i need a favor."

"Oh, you need like a ride or something?"

"Yeah kinda."

A man walks out of a bar

Which is weird, considering it's a solid object.

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

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