UPJOKE
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Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.

Dave: Oh yeah? What’d you see?

Sam: We’ll it’s kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..

Dave: Which is?

Sam: Exactly

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I watching a weird porn the other day; it was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time….

then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

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"I'm sorry." The Judge asked Tony Stark. "You want to divorce Mrs. Potts because she's a tad weird?"

"No!" Tony exclaimed. "I want to divorce her because she's fucking Strange."

My friend has a weird talent:

He stands on a loaf of bread and when he throws a dart, he can hit the bullseye every time. He did it at a local talent competition once, and the judges were so impressed, they moved him up to an official talent league.

For the competition, however, he stepped it up. He stacked three baguette...

My friend got upset at me because I said that Jathan is a weird name.

He was like "are you THERIOUTH right now?"

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I got a really angry and weird look from my wife the other day during sex.

Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth...

Now when I talk, I got this weird axe scent.

Thanks to Weird Al, I know how to spell Albuquwerky

but only the first 4 letters. I'm much better at spelling bananas.

People get weirded out because I talk to myself a lot,

I just want to have an intelligent conversation..

I was alone at a cemetery when I heard a weird noise

Someone was coffin.

There's a guy in my neighbourhood who I used to think was really weird. I'd always see him out walking his rabbit. The rabbit was always in a different outfit. One day a frock. One day a skirt. One day a suit-jacket combo. Then it multiplied into a flock of rabbits, all wearing really niche clothes.

Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I approached him and asked "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"

He replied "Oh I'm a hare stylist."

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Person asked me what I did for a living. I told them I work in a pickle jarring factory. They said that’s weird.

I said what’s the big dill, that’s how I make my bread and butter

My relationship with trading is a weird one. They are unstable, constantly deplete my money, give me mental trauma, but I carry on thinking about the good times I had with them, and the money they made for me.

Guess I have "Stock"holm syndrome

What type of beasts of burden do weird farmers keep?

Unorthodoxen.

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

I'll tell you a weird story about a pig's behind, but...

I've got to warn you; it's a twisted tale.

(tail)

Is it weird to lick a knife after your done using it?

Because the other surgeons looked at me in disgust today.

I once dated a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds kind of weird, dozen tit?

I've been clean for 47 days now.

It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the heroin to get through it.

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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

My wife has this weird ocd where she rearranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought

Its an extremely rare dish-order

English is weird

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

I used to get really aroused by epiphanies but

I've come to the realisation it's a weird kink to have

Bodies are weird

Sometimes I think they have a mind of their own

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It's always weird when you're in the room with two people you've fucked.

Adds to the family reunion drama, though.

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Memory problems

My dad’s getting old. He has trouble remembering where he left his keys, sometimes stumbles over finding words.

But weirdly he can remember in graphic detail every dump he’s ever taken.

He has a crap memory.

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

My wife thinks it’s weird that I Star through the window every time it rains or snows

Maybe one day she’ll let me in

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

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little boy walks by his mom's room and sees her fingering herself

She's in front of the mirror saying "I need a man, I need a man"
Weird the boy thinks and goes on about his business.
The next day, the same thing, "I need a man, I need a man"
Bitch is crazy, thinks the boy. Oh well, he goes on about his business.
The third day he walks by and a guy is ...

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

I had a weird day today

First I found a can full of cash on the street, and then a man with a guitar started chasing me

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I had sex for the first time today.

At first I found the floppy penis to be very weird. But then it grew on me

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The almost-deaf genie

A man enters a pub and goes to the bar, he orders a whiskey and, after drinking it he pays and when her turns around to leave he sees a humongous rooster, 6’ tall, roaming around the pub.
“What the….” The man says, turning back to the bartender:
“Ugh, don’t ask me, ask that genie over there”; ...

Bullets are so weird.

They only do their job after they are fired.

My girlfriend left me because of what she described as my "weird pasta fetish"

Now I'm feeling cannalonli

Weird Lubricant Order.

During 11:00PM a fellow of 20 years goes into a pharmacy in a big hurry and ordered all the vaseline and similar lubricants he could buy.
The doctor was a bit sceptical about the whole thing, but he carried out the order and the fellow run like no tomorrow.
Just 1 hour later he comes back ...

I was taking a break at work when I got a weird text from my wife...

"HoneyIcan'tusethespacebaronmyphoneandnowallmytextslooklikethis!Pleasegivemeanalternative!"

I rushed home as fast as I could, but what's a ternative?

Patient: Doc, every time I open my eyes, I have this weird urge to throw up!

Doctor: Wow. This is the worst case of see sickness I have ever encountered.

A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "$10 for the statue, $100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He...

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

Two men are working on a car.

One man says "Let's call it a day."

The other man says "Well, that's a weird name for a car.

So, I have had a pretty weird morning...

First I find a hat filled with money, and then out of nowhere I get randomly chased by an angry man with a guitar!

A duck walks into the drug store

A duck walks into the drug store and asks for a pack of condoms.

Druggist says: "would you like me to put that on your bill?"

Duck says: "nah, I'm not into that weird stuff".

Every time I turn on my friend’s mustang it sprays this weird fluid everywhere

And apparently he doesn’t want me to come over and take care of his horses anymore

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

I had this weird dream that I was swimming in a fizzy purple drink...

When I woke up in my bed, I have to admit, I was a little disappointed that it was only a Fanta-sy.

It's a shame that, for all Weird Al's talents, he'll never know the ultimate height of fame

He'll never be parodied by Weird Al.

I went to the movies and there was a man who brought his dog into the theater with him.

After the movie, I went up to the man and I said "Hey this might sound weird, but it seemed like your dog was really enjoying the movie." The man said "Yeah, I'm suprised too, because he *hated* the book!"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

Girl:Don't you think it's funny how the person you're going to marry is on this earth as of right now?

Boy:Yeah, haha. That's weird.

Girl:Don't you ever wonder what they're doing?

Boy:Nope, I already know, she's texting me

Girl::Thats sweet of you.

Boy:But she just went to bed. So I'm talking to you

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My boss has a weird sexuality

He loves f**king my life!

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

They weird thing about the Erectile Dysfunction support groups is they're always planning meetings (NSFW)

But nobody can come.

Al, Ben, and Carl were going on a trip to a ski resort. But there was only one room left at the resort, and it had only one bed.

Reluctantly, the three agreed to share the bed. Al slept on the left side of the bed, Ben slept on the right side, and Carl slept in the middle.

The next morning at breakfast, Al said, "You know, last night I had the loveliest dream. A gorgeous female ski instructor was giving me the best han...

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

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My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish

She liked to dress up like herself and act like a raging bitch all the time

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pickle slicer

A man works at a pickle factory and one night comes home and tells his wife "I know this is weird, but I have this urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer". Months later he comes home, upset. "I don't know how to tell you this, but I got fired today. Remember my urge to stick my dick in the pi...

I'm planning to name my son Driew...

It's only weird if you say it backwards

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

A Weird Doctor Visit

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.

She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in t...

My kids got me a worlds greatest dad shirt which is weird because I didn’t even know it was a competition.

Their biological father definitely didn’t.

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Apparently my great-grandpa was a controversial figure when he served in WWII

Which is weird, I thought he’d be praised more considering my family tells me he killed Hitler

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

I find it really weird that we have a voice in our heads...

like the one you used to read this.

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

My pet iguana is acting weird

I think I have a reptile dysfunction

It's always weird returning to the home you grew up in

Of course, the family that lives there asking me to leave and saying they are "calling the police" aren't helping either

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

Retired atheists will now get extra money according to a weird new proposal, which has been dubbed

sus pension of disbelief.

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A joke my dad told me

There is this guy who is horny and wants to call a prostitute.
He search online and comes across a special one.
"First in the world, can sing the national anthem while giving you a blowjob !"
So the guys is intrigued, and proceeds to call the lady.
They meet at a hotel and the guy lay...

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.

Weird names can bring problems

In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. But, som...

So I heard there's a group of optometrists who founded a colony on an archipelago off the coast of Alaska, but the islands themselves are very weird to look at.

They're called the Optical Aleutians.

Six girls walking around naked sounds weird

Dozen tit?

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

Jokes Bus

A man boards a bus, to his surprise it is full of r/jokes users. He finds an empty space and settles in.

He quickly finds out a pattern to the ongoing conversations. One person stands up and shouts a number - Two hundred and sixty one!! Everyone starts laughing. Another person stands up as th...

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My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”

I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”

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It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

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Not my joke: Bill Burr, prolly the best joke ever: We have a weird relationship with cows;

1. You suckle it (milk)
1. You can eat it
1. You can tip it over when its sleeping

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But if you fuck it youre going to jail

You know that weird urge you get to just eat something because its there?

Anyways i lost my job as a gynecologist

Can we guess your age with just one weird question?

What year were you born?

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

I'm weirdly turned on by songs with guest performers...

I might have a feat. fetish

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

Sorry is a really weird word.

If a normal person says it, your anger is gone but if a doctor says it, you are gone.

I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound

My boss said to me, “I find it weird that you are sick only during the weekdays.”

I said, “It’s my weekend immune system.”

Getting old is weird, because there'll be things you notice that you didn't realize you were paying attention to...

There'll be a building going up. And you find yourself thinking 'There's no way the economy's strong enough right now to support the completion of this construction project...'

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Karma is a weird name...

They should rename "karma" to "creddit"

They should also rename the "share" button to "spreaddit"

They should then also rename the "delete" button to "shreddit"

But they don't, and I don't geddit



* Eddit: Wow, I did not expect to get gold for that one...

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My older brother told me “gay meant happy”

I still don’t understand the weird expressions people gave me when I told them, “my brother makes me gay.”

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My wife left me on account of my weird fetishes

I said "Fine! Slam the door on my dick on your way out!"

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