This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl with 12 boobs sounds weird.

dozen tit

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year she bought them.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

Germany is a pretty weird country. If you deny the Holocaust, you go to jail.

But if you organize one, you are promoted to Reich Chancellor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just left me because I am always giving weird nicknames to my penis.

I guess I have to take Matters in my own hands.

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like an 's', but sometimes it isn't.

Source: Course

A lot of people think my father was weird

But he was a lovely man, and a great kisser

Soviet curfew is weird

So there is a man walking down the street then a Soviet solder calls to him and he starts running so the soldier shoots him then another man says “why’d you do that” then the soldier says “curfew” then the man says “it isn’t curfew yet” the soldier then says “ yea I know that guy was my friend I kno...

Why is Jesus acting so weird lately?

Because he alone is the most high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sexual favor" is such a weird term.

"Hey i need a favor."

"Oh, you need like a ride or something?"

"Yeah kinda."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My axe has been making weird sounds lately...

Such as: "Ouch!", "Oh shit!" "Stop!" "No!" "Please!"

You know what's weird?

Its weird that people in wheelchairs never do stand-up comedy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

My doctor friend is weirdly addicted to hitting his patients on the knees just to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

Had a weird dream last night, it was about the ocean but the water was soda

It was all just a Fanta Sea

I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say ....it’s a gift.

What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.

What's weird, hairy, and on fire?

A furry

A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?"

I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals

She said: "I've always wanted to get a manatee."

I said: "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus,

I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:


They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

Jesus, the flair-tagging system in this sub is weird.

See?

What is a weird name

No really, it is a weird name.

Most people have weird things that turn them on

But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish

She would dress up like herself and act like a fuckin raging bitch all the time

My school took my MP3 after I sung the song “Pumped Up Kicks” loudly in class.

When I brought my new MP4, they took it, and my friends laughed at me.

Today I brought my MP5 and everyone started screaming and some weird kids danced.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

I wonder if trees have nipples. That would be pretty weird.

Wooden tit?

I always get weird looks

I always get weird looks from veterinarians when I salute them and thank them for their service to our country.

Those ‘watch for children’ road signs are weird,

I mean, how dangerous can a child be

[On a date] Her: So tell me something weird about yourself.

Me: I can see dead people.

Her: Wow! Any hobbies?

Me: Grave digging.

My Jewish neighbor has been moving huge bags of yeast and empty kegs with weird symbols into his garage.

Turns out Hebrews

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

My grandfather had a stutter, which was really weird, since he was born deaf.

Turns out it was just Parkinson's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.

His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”

He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to s...

My weird friend is now engaged to a spirit.

I’m happy for him as he has found his boo.

A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One guy is in bed with a woman, when he hears her husband's footsteps

The woman tells him to get his clothes and jump out the window. He complains because it's raining a lot but, having to other option, he jumps out and falls in the middle of the street, where a marathon is taking place.

Trying to go unnoticed, he joins the runners and starts running too. Every...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate in college was a weird performance artist who outlined all his paintings using his penis.

I should have never moved in with Dick Tracy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy has a weird disney fetish...

his friends look horrified and say "You fucked Up."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave walked into the office, starting his lines with: "Hey guys, I had a weird dream last night"

"God himself asked if I want to improve my memory, but my dick size decreases, or the other way around, to-"

This is where I had to stop him.

"Dave, stop. You told us this story yesterday"

Mirrors are weird. Everybody looks at them differently.

For instance, I look in a mirror, and in my opinion the mirror is the most beautiful thing, but if you looked in it, you'd be disgusted by the sight of pure hideousness.

Mirrors are weird.

How weird

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had a weird dream last night.

I had died and met St.Peter at the Pearly Gates and he told me to go to room 101.There I will receive my punishment for all the sins I had committed in my life.I opened the door and to my amazement saw my good friend,Bob,making love to a fat,ugly woman.I shook my head and went back to see St. Peter....

That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home

Iran

My wife: You didn't hear a word I said, did you?

Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.

A man getting coffee sees a weird funeral ...

He sees a funeral with two caskets, about 20 feet back is a man with a pit bull, and then 20 more feet back a line of about 100 men.

The guy getting coffee was curious and walked up to the man with the pit bull and said,”I’m sorry to bother but who is in the first casket?”

the...

Wanna know why Alabama is so weird and twisted?

Because it's in their incestors blood.

What did the B say to the ○

You're a weirdo.

Time traveling is really weird when you're married

You get to go back, see all the mistakes you made, fix them, and then all of a sudden you're single again

It's really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.

They never get any green cards.

French people are weird.

You give them something nice and they beg for mercy.

A Jewish Man Sends His Son Away

He sends him on a pilgrimage to Israel. Three months pass and the man is confused when his son is not wearing a Yamakah. The son informs the man that he has converted to Christianity.

Dumbfounded, the man goes to his friend (also Jewish) and tells him of his son. His friend replies, "How inte...

My wife told me her dreams were in vivid, but weird colors.

I told her it was just a pigment of her imagination.

A young man gets a flat tire and must find a place to stay for the night...

He knocks on the door of a nearby house and an old man greets him. The old man hears out the young mans predicament, and allows him to stay for a night. Later the young man hears strange noises coming from a red door on the other side of his room but goes to sleep anyway. Asking the old man the ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend wants me to dress up as an Eskimo while having sex.

Some might think it's a little weird, but I'm innuit

Hospitals are weird

On one floor, a woman is bringing new life into the world, as her husband looks on.

On the next, a man is saying his heartfelt last goodbyes.

Finally, on the floor above that, a frat boy is having a television remote removed from his ass.

You know what’s weird about cosmetic procedures?

When people get plastic surgery, everyone looks shocked. But when people do Botox, nobody even raises an eyebrow.

I bought Kosher sausages from the local deli for the first time, and it looks a little weird.

Is it normal that a bit of the skin is missing from the top?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has this weird kink, where she loves to bite and suck my foreskin after sex

Kind of makes me wish I threw it out after the circumcision

If I had a nickel for every time I was cursed by a puppet..

I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

A joke walks into a bar

The bartender says, “That’s weird, I’ve never meta joke before.”

It’s weird that we count votes based on body parts...

Let me see all the eyes... now the nose...

My professor has this weird habit of reading the news to us in class. Today he didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Germans are weird

In my recent trip to Germany I managed to hook up with this really cute German girl, but for some reason she just kept yelling her age during sex..

People have called me weird my whole life for how into women's feet I am.

I just tell them to blame my parents. When I was growing up, all I ever heard was how important a woman's sole was.

"You have a weird last name!"

....is what she said to him. He replied,

"Well, it's pretty common in my family"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Willy felt a little weird, so he went to the doctor

Doctor: I've got some bad news, Willy.

Willy: What is it doc?

Doctor: You gotta stop masturbating.

Willy: Oh god......why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens.

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.
After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

I met a French person today and they have a weird bone fetish

IDK why but they were mentioning bone jaw and bone apple teeth again and again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

9 people go to a beach

A group of nine people went to a beach, they were confused to see the lifeguard wearing a weird, torn clothing which had the word "Time" written on it.


The nine people thought it was a good idea to jump into the water and swim. They played there for a while until it was evening, but sudd...

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My weird boss has designated bathroom-break times for all his employees, and now it’s my turn.

I don’t need this shit.

My boss is kinda weird, he has started announcing to everyone whenever I go on break.

Just the other day I stepped outside to catch some sun and sure enough that goober yells Jailbreak!!! On the plus side he let some dogs out for me to play with.

During an earthquake drill, a teacher mentions the age of the school and how the windows might move a bit.

A kid then says, “well that would be a weird flex but ok”

I heard about people using cedar instead of silicon for breast implants, but think about if it happened to you, it'd be super weird,

Wooden tit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor called the cops on me when I asked him to check out my testicles.

Apparently it’s “weird” to collect them in a jar.

My left-handed friend writes weird answers to questions.

He can't be right.

I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.

My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.

It was the ‘bring your pet to school’ day today, there were a lot of birds

Weirdly enough most of them were desert eagles!

A weird order at the pet shop

A guy walks in a pet shop and says: "I want 2 rats, 7 mice, 190 spiders and a pound of flies."
The guy behind the bar lifts an eyebrow and aks: "You're an owner of snakes?"
"No" said the man. "I am moving and they asked to leave the house in the same state."

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

Today Trump tweeted a weird defense of himself for saying "Tim Apple" last week

How do you like Tim Apples?

Jokes in Prison

A man gets convicted of a crime and is sent to jail. When he gets to the cafeteria, something weird is happening. He hears random numbers being shouted out, followed by uproarious laughter, so he asks the guy next to him what's going on. Fellow says, "Well, you see, we've all been in here for so lon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a weird porn

I watching a weird porn the other day. It was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time. Then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

(Credit to Gary Delaney)

I came into a pile of cash when my grandmother died.

Weird fetishes help me deal with grief.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab kid talks to his dad [M]

An Arab kid talks to his dad
-Dad...
-Yes, son?
-Why do we wear this weird headscarf?
-It's called burnus and it protects our head from the desert sun.
-And Dad...
-Yes son?
-Why do we wear these weird robes?
-They're called burka, and it protects us from the desert heat.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karma is a weird name...

They should rename "karma" to "creddit"

They should also rename the "share" button to "spreaddit"

They should then also rename the "delete" button to "shreddit"

But they don't, and I don't geddit



* Eddit: Wow, I did not expect to get gold for that one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men think about sex every 7 seconds...

Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.

I spoke to a Danish friend today

I told him I wanted to buy his house. But he didn’t agree. Weird guy. Won’t be visiting him any time soon.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.