A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.

Hey reddit, here's a weird game:

For every upvote, I'll remove one item of clothing.

(come on guys, the washing-line is almost empty.)

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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My wife left me on account of my weird fetishes

I said "Fine! Slam the door on my dick on your way out!"

My wife has been dressing up in really weird nun outfits over the last few weeks

She has been getting into some really strange habits recently

After jacking myself off to logical deduction, i realized that im really weird.

This is the conclusion that i came to.

I finally realized why many apartments have weird popcorn ceiling

I couldn't understand why every apartment I've lived in had those ugly pebbly popcorn ceilings. It was baffling.

But then later I learned it was a way to muffle sounds coming from your upstairs and downstairs neighbors. It was baffling!

This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

Here’s Something weird about the English language

Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in G



Spoiler it’s a joke
Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does

spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper

**me [sneaking up behind him with an enormous cup]:** that 𝑖𝑠 weird

It's So Weird

**Even if I unplug everything, my house still sounds like tinnitus.**

Thumb wars are weird

They're essentially two opposable thumbs opposing each other

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

So many weird stuff on the internet these days

Makes me think if corona virus was just a 'you are what you eat' by a Batman fan.

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

Sorry is a really weird word.

If a normal person says it, your anger is gone but if a doctor says it, you are gone.

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

The English Language is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

My wife said she thought Lance was a weird name

But I reassured her people used to be named Lance a lot

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There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

He thought it was just a bug bite but he doubted it. After about 25 days, the bulge became very big. So he went for a doctor's appointment.

The doctor did the scans necessary and found out that he was growing ...

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Two kids in a trench coat walk into a bar

Two kids in a trench coat walk into a bar trying to get served and the bartender doesnt notice and serves them a beer.

The bartender then makes his way to the other end of the bar where two regulars are having a heated debate. One regular says "my dick is so big my wife calls it 'knowledge' c...

A security guard about to start his night shift finds it weird to see his boss coming into the office...

"Hey boss? Working late tonight?"

"Yes, I'm flying to Europe tomorrow, family trip."

In the morning, minutes before the security guard's shift end, the man spots his boss again, but now sharing some strong words.

"Boss, please don't get on that plane. I had a terrible dream it w...

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

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It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

my friends say that i am weird for using my airsoft gloves as winter gloves

it's just what i happened to have on hand

At first I thought it weird that Joe Biden wanted to make his press secretary staff all women

But then I remembered that meant he didn't need to pay them as much

My boss said to me, “I find it weird that you are sick only during the weekdays.”

I said, “It’s my weekend immune system.”

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

Six girls walking around naked sounds weird

Dozen tit?

It’s weird how my friend quit her job and took out a loan to open an Etsy shop selling stickers, but whenever I ask how things are going it’s just...

*Cricut sounds*

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

Don't you think it's weird...

Don't you think it's weird when Atheists call their kids Christian?

I think a better name would be Godfrey.

I'll see myself out.

One day at school the lad who sat next to me swallowed his calculator. I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo. I told them, "He may be a bit weird,

but it's what's inside him that counts!"

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Serial killer in my town has a weird fetish

I had to serve jury duty for this fucker. I just need to get it off my chest, it's a little disturbing...

He carved peoples eyes out. Right out of the sockets, and then fucks the hole. Used the blood as lube. He did it hundreds of times. For some reason he had a specific target that really t...

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

Why would you think a show about children and monsters is weird?

Honestly, I've seen stranger things

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

A kangaroo walks into a bar

And orders an espresso martini.
While the Barkeeper serves the drink to the kangaroo another customer remarks:
"don't you find it weird that a kangaroo walks into a bar and orders an espresso martini?"

"Yes, normally he wants ginger beer."

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I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.

Seriously, what is the world cumming to?

A weird, infuriating thing that happened to a friend of mine.

So a friend of mine was on the downtown bus the other day and, nice guy that he is, he gave up his seat for an elderly woman that got on after him. I guess she was really old too. She had a cane and everything. But then suddenly everybody else on the bus got mad at him for it. They started yelling a...

My weird talent is always being able to tell what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

As weird as it may sound, I think I’m addicted to religion

I’m a real Cathoholic

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My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”

I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”

A lot of weird stuff is going on in America at the moment...

It's like America is built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

Pakistan is such a weird country

It's a Muslim country but their capital is Islamabad?

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

People keep telling me it’s weird to look up to the Pillsbury Doughboy...

But I think he’s a great roll model.

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[NSFW] A man with a large penis goes to the doctor

For he has a very bad stuttering problem.

He says the to doctor “i i i I’ve g g g got a a a a p p p problem i can’t t t t talk in f f f full S S S sentences.”

The doctor says “well maybe you just have a bad stutter but we will run some tests on you to make sure.”

So they run t...

With #DiaperDon trending on Twitter, his weird dancing makes since.

He’s trying to wiggle out his poo.

What do you say to a weird-looking Pokemon that just knocked a drink out of your hand?

"Jynx, you owe me a soda."

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

I just woke up from this really weird dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

Had the most bizarre experience before the quarantine, when I sat down in a movie theater and noticed that the man in front of me had brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and I was astounded.

When the lights come up I tap the dog's owner o...

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

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the doctor gave me a prescription for my weird fetish

It was really helpful since i like putting my penis in empty bottles.

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[At the therapist] Man: Doc, I think I have finally overcome my weird fear that I’m being constantly chased by alcohol bottles.

Doctor: That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only Weird if you say it backwards.

It’s been very weird to see all these people who clearly hate Trump say ‘we wish him well’.

I think a lot of them are just guilty that their first wish came true.

Dark HUMOR

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

A Scottish Canadian man called me on my radio talk show. He started insulting me and repeating what I said in a weird voice

It was call-in mockery

Darwin, Freud and the Pope walk into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

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Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

Baking is a weird profession

Loafing on the job can get you a raise.

"i before e except after c"

weird rule

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

A man comes home and finds his dog holding his neighbor’s pet rabbit’s lifeless body

Realizing what has happened and fearing his neighbor’s ire, he quickly retrieves the rabbit, washes it and places it back in its cage, hoping his neighbor thinks it died of natural causes.

The following day his neighbor asks him if he knows what happened to Fluffy. “Er.. Um.. of course not......

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

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Speed demon Grandma

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually join...

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird.

He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

Timezones are so weird like, it’s june 1 in Australia, May 31 in Canada

and still 1920 in America

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

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It’s weird that the rhinos are dying out

Because they’re so horny

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

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My girlfriend just left me because I always give weird nicknames to my penis...

I guess I'll have to take Matters into my own hands now...

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An Englishman, an Irishman & a Leprechaun in a bar...

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that...

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not.

Source: course

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My girlfriend is weird.

She keeps saying that my dick resembles a salamander.

She calls it "my newt."

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

I'm starting to suspect I was cloned from my older brother

All my genes are hand-me-downs

*Adapted from a song by His Royal Weirdness

Strange medical issue

Guy, suddenly feeling quite 'off ' makes an appointment to see his doctor. When he finally sees his doctor, the doc asks "so what's going on?". The guy replies "well doc, it's weird but I can suddenly tell future". Perplexed, the doctor asks "well when did this start?" The man replies "next Tuesday"...

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Two guys are working in a morgue

Two guys are working in a morgue. One of them comes up to the other and says, "Did you see that that woman on that table had a shrimp coming out of her vagina?"

The other guy says, "That wasn't a shrimp, that was her clit."

The first guy says, "That's weird... It sure tasted like shrim...

The instructions on my stick deodorant said push-up bottom.

It felt weird but now my farts smell amazing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has a really weird fetish

She likes to dress up as herself, and then be a complete bitch all the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a really weird porno yesterday, it was a fat man wanking and crying..

Then i realised i hadn't switched the tv on...

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Well everyone, I finally did it..

I have renamed my dick. Although I have to admit that I've been getting some weird looks around the office when I tell people that I plan to spend my weekend sitting around the house occasionally beating "my wife."

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Karma is a weird name...

They should rename "karma" to "creddit"

They should also rename the "share" button to "spreaddit"

They should then also rename the "delete" button to "shreddit"

But they don't, and I don't geddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy

.

>!gf is prego!<

>!we like to get kinky anyways!<

>!one night things get particularly saucy!<

>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<

>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob...

Justin Timberlake seems to have a weird obsession

with some river in Crimea

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

2020 is a weird year

5 years ago i entered a bank in a mask and i got forced to quarantine for years, today i got praised for it.. weird times to be alive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a therapist cause he's having all kinds of weird dreams

The therapists says "Did you have one last night?"

The guy tells her that he drempt of a teepee

"Hmmm, that is odd," she agrees, "but it's too little information for me to make a diagnosis. Come back in a week and we can examine what happens between now and then."

The guy comes ...

What do you call a weird physicist?

Quarky!

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A group of horses was making fun of a miniature horse who sounded weird because he had a sore throat.

One of the horses felt bad for the little guy, and said to his friends, "Leave him alone, he's just a little hoarse."

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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

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UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

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3 race horses are having a drink at their local pub

They each talk about their recent races and victories,

The first horse says - "Guys, I had something weird happen at my last race. I was in the final straight running 5th and losing ground, I didn't think there was any chance I could get up and win. Then all of the sudden *PING* this burst of...

Just moved to Germany from America and I’m really offended by people disrespecting my celiac disease. Everywhere I go people are playing this weird game:

Gluten tag

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation..

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