This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

Here’s Something weird about the English language

Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in G



Spoiler it’s a joke
Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

Sorry is a really weird word.

If a normal person says it, your anger is gone but if a doctor says it, you are gone.

The English Language is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

My wife said she thought Lance was a weird name

But I reassured her people used to be named Lance a lot

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There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

He thought it was just a bug bite but he doubted it. After about 25 days, the bulge became very big. So he went for a doctor's appointment.

The doctor did the scans necessary and found out that he was growing ...

A security guard about to start his night shift finds it weird to see his boss coming into the office...

"Hey boss? Working late tonight?"

"Yes, I'm flying to Europe tomorrow, family trip."

In the morning, minutes before the security guard's shift end, the man spots his boss again, but now sharing some strong words.

"Boss, please don't get on that plane. I had a terrible dream it w...

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

It’s weird how my friend quit her job and took out a loan to open an Etsy shop selling stickers, but whenever I ask how things are going it’s just...

*Cricut sounds*

At first I thought it weird that Joe Biden wanted to make his press secretary staff all women

But then I remembered that meant he didn't need to pay them as much

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

One day at school the lad who sat next to me swallowed his calculator. I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo. I told them, "He may be a bit weird,

but it's what's inside him that counts!"

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Serial killer in my town has a weird fetish

I had to serve jury duty for this fucker. I just need to get it off my chest, it's a little disturbing...

He carved peoples eyes out. Right out of the sockets, and then fucks the hole. Used the blood as lube. He did it hundreds of times. For some reason he had a specific target that really t...

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

Why would you think a show about children and monsters is weird?

Honestly, I've seen stranger things

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

My boss said to me, “I find it weird that you are sick only during the weekdays.”

I said, “It’s my weekend immune system.”

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

It is pretty weird that most of the Christians are against body piercings.

After all, Jesus Christ had four of them.

My weird talent is always being able to tell what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

Six girls walking around naked sounds weird

Dozen tit?

Don't you think it's weird...

Don't you think it's weird when Atheists call their kids Christian?

I think a better name would be Godfrey.

I'll see myself out.

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It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

As weird as it may sound, I think I’m addicted to religion

I’m a real Cathoholic

Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.

Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only Weird if you say it backwards.

Pakistan is such a weird country

It's a Muslim country but their capital is Islamabad?

A lot of weird stuff is going on in America at the moment...

It's like America is built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

A weird, infuriating thing that happened to a friend of mine.

So a friend of mine was on the downtown bus the other day and, nice guy that he is, he gave up his seat for an elderly woman that got on after him. I guess she was really old too. She had a cane and everything. But then suddenly everybody else on the bus got mad at him for it. They started yelling a...

People keep telling me it’s weird to look up to the Pillsbury Doughboy...

But I think he’s a great roll model.

I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to this realization.

With #DiaperDon trending on Twitter, his weird dancing makes since.

He’s trying to wiggle out his poo.

What do you say to a weird-looking Pokemon that just knocked a drink out of your hand?

"Jynx, you owe me a soda."

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

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I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.

Seriously, what is the world cumming to?

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Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

I just woke up from this really weird dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

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[At the therapist] Man: Doc, I think I have finally overcome my weird fear that I’m being constantly chased by alcohol bottles.

Doctor: That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

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My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”

I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”

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the doctor gave me a prescription for my weird fetish

It was really helpful since i like putting my penis in empty bottles.

A Scottish Canadian man called me on my radio talk show. He started insulting me and repeating what I said in a weird voice

It was call-in mockery

Baking is a weird profession

Loafing on the job can get you a raise.

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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

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3 race horses are having a drink at their local pub

They each talk about their recent races and victories,

The first horse says - "Guys, I had something weird happen at my last race. I was in the final straight running 5th and losing ground, I didn't think there was any chance I could get up and win. Then all of the sudden *PING* this burst of...

“I before E except after C? That’s weird science.”

-Albert Einstein

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird.

He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

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Just a prick...

An elephant is walking through the jungle and steps on a large thorn. He cries out! There is no way for him to pul it out... and every step, is a nightmare. After several failed attempts, he begins to cry in frustration.

A large ant is walking through the vicinity, and sees the pitiful eleph...

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It’s weird that the rhinos are dying out

Because they’re so horny

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

Timezones are so weird like, it’s june 1 in Australia, May 31 in Canada

and still 1920 in America

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

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My girlfriend just left me because I always give weird nicknames to my penis...

I guess I'll have to take Matters into my own hands now...

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

My brother was shouting because there was something weird in his egg

That's the yolk

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While a guy is eating a girl out he finds a pea in her vagina

He thinks to himself, “hmm that’s odd..”, but he’s really in the mood and just keeps going to town on her.

After a while he finds a piece of a carrot, and that made him think “there’s something weird going on..”, but he continues anyway.

A few moments later he finds a small chunk of ...

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation..

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My girlfriend is weird.

She keeps saying that my dick resembles a salamander.

She calls it "my newt."

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not.

Source: course

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

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Two guys are working in a morgue

Two guys are working in a morgue. One of them comes up to the other and says, "Did you see that that woman on that table had a shrimp coming out of her vagina?"

The other guy says, "That wasn't a shrimp, that was her clit."

The first guy says, "That's weird... It sure tasted like shrim...

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so ...

Up to which age is it appropriate to bathe with your kid? 36M

My mom says it's getting weird

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A guy goes to a therapist cause he's having all kinds of weird dreams

The therapists says "Did you have one last night?"

The guy tells her that he drempt of a teepee

"Hmmm, that is odd," she agrees, "but it's too little information for me to make a diagnosis. Come back in a week and we can examine what happens between now and then."

The guy comes ...

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My wife has a really weird fetish

She likes to dress up as herself, and then be a complete bitch all the time.

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I was watching a really weird porno yesterday, it was a fat man wanking and crying..

Then i realised i hadn't switched the tv on...

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

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A group of horses was making fun of a miniature horse who sounded weird because he had a sore throat.

One of the horses felt bad for the little guy, and said to his friends, "Leave him alone, he's just a little hoarse."

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Me and my girlfriend are still trying to figure out how to have sex with all of our weird fetishes.

It's coming along but we're still trying to work out the kinks.

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Karma is a weird name...

They should rename "karma" to "creddit"

They should also rename the "share" button to "spreaddit"

They should then also rename the "delete" button to "shreddit"

But they don't, and I don't geddit

Justin Timberlake seems to have a weird obsession

with some river in Crimea

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

What do you call a weird physicist?

Quarky!

In the Cars movie series, they have a place called Radiator Springs.

Now, radiators are vital components in cars, so I find it's a very weird name decision for a city.

Its like calling a human city "Liver pool".

2020 is a weird year

5 years ago i entered a bank in a mask and i got forced to quarantine for years, today i got praised for it.. weird times to be alive

My Roommate told me that my house is haunted.

I've been living there for 200 years and found nothing weird.

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

We tried contactless delivery the other night

It was weird, the baby just kinda floated out of a flesh cave

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UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

The Netherlands VS Greece (First impression )

So I moved to Netherlands some years ago and I'd like to share with you my experiences. Feel free to give me feedback in what you think.



So when I first grounded here, first think I did, I googled a super market and went to buy some cigarettes ( DO NOT SMOKE HERE, IT COSTS LIKE 10 EUR...

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I think it's weird that county fairs are being cancelled.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a *good* idea, but... I just figured that anyone who isn't afraid to hop onto a 60-year-old rusty roller coaster, that gets disassembled and reassembled 22 times a year by a traveling meth head with an allen wrench, while eating a deep fried stick of butter, wouldn't...

Pandemic dating is weird. Last night I asked a girl at the grocery store for her digits ...

And she wrote down her temperature.

The fortune cookie I got with my chinese food today was weird...

It said, ”FREE ME FROM THIS FACTORY
Lucky Numbers 23.5° N, 121.0° E”

I told my wife her toe looks weird

She said “That’s a little callous”

Weird guy on a bus stop

Weird guy on a bus stop keeps kissing every bus he can find. Going from one bus to another, he caresses them gently and sweet talks them while people keep staring. He doesn't care and keeps doing it.

One of the fresh bystanders realises that it's actually a good friend of his so he quickly ru...

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

Science/Engineering joke from my lab today

So today I was in fluids lab and our lab was about surface tension. As part of that, we were supposed to estimate the angle of a meniscus of water in a tube, so one guy was doing the angle estimation, I was measuring something else and the other guy was recording data. Anyway, I asked the guy who wa...

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I...

Noelle is a weird name.

Mostly because there‘s 2 of them right towards the end.

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

I was a little weirded out when I walked into my friend’s room and saw a dart board stuck on the ceiling.

Eventually I had to throw up.

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