Weird Jokes - 125 Hilarious Weird Jokes

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"I'm sorry." The Judge asked Tony Stark. "You want to divorce Mrs. Potts because she's a tad weird?"

"No!" Tony exclaimed. "I want to divorce her because she's fucking Strange."

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

English is weird..

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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Karma is a weird name...

They should rename "karma" to "creddit"

They should also rename the "share" button to "spreaddit"

They should then also rename the "delete" button to "shreddit"

But they don't, and I don't geddit

* Eddit: Wow, I did not expect to get gold for that one...

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

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What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

My girlfriend said, “This is over. I’m tired of your weird obsession with wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

Me: Wait! I can change!

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My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”

I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”

My workmates are weird

They label the food in the companies fridge

Today I had a sandwich named Chris and a yogurt named Max

My girlfriend left me because of what she described as my "weird pasta fetish"

Now I'm feeling cannalonli

Six girls walking around naked sounds weird

Dozen tit?

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I got a really angry and weird look from my wife the other day during sex.

Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

A lottery ticket is a weird gift to give someone

it’s like “Here. This has a 99% chance of being disappointing. I saw it and thought of you”

My wife is weird...

She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"

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It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

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"I showed my doctor my weird bum rash, but he was all embarrassed and uncomfortable."

"How unprofessional, what did he say?"

"He told me to go back to my table, so he and his wife could enjoy their dinner."

There’s a weird trend in my town where all the shops have custom made Exit Signs. They seem to be quite a rage these days.

But I think..they are on the way out.

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

I used to have a weird fetish surrounding my abilities to see, touch, hear, smell and feel

I came to my senses

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

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A guy told me I'm weird and asked for my deets to pass on to a therapist who might be able to straighten me out. I said "No thanks....

....I prefer to remain anomalous."

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My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish

She liked to dress up like herself and act like a raging bitch all the time

The amount of short people with anger issues has always striken me as weird

Specially considering that they are the ones that should be more down to earth

I was alone at a cemetery when I heard a weird noise

Someone was coffin.

My friend has a weird talent:

He stands on a loaf of bread and when he throws a dart, he can hit the bullseye every time. He did it at a local talent competition once, and the judges were so impressed, they moved him up to an official talent league.

For the competition, however, he stepped it up. He stacked three baguette...

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.

Dave: Oh yeah? What’d you see?

Sam: We’ll it’s kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..

Dave: Which is?

Sam: Exactly

My boss said to me, “I find it weird that you are sick only during the weekdays.”

I said, “It’s my weekend immune system.”

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I watching a weird porn the other day; it was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time….

then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

Dating apps are so weird

Apparently "must be an animal lover" doesn't mean what you think.

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals...

and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

Is it weird to lick a knife after your done using it?

Because the other surgeons looked at me in disgust today.

There's a guy in my neighbourhood who I used to think was really weird. I'd always see him out walking his rabbit. The rabbit was always in a different outfit. One day a frock. One day a skirt. One day a suit-jacket combo. Then it multiplied into a flock of rabbits, all wearing really niche clothes.

Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I approached him and asked "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"

He replied "Oh I'm a hare stylist."

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I know it’s weird but I fantasize about having sex with women who have been canonized by the church.

If fact, I’d love to Mt St Helen’s.

My college roommate had this weird habit of yelling at his drugs before he consumed them.

It wasn’t nice… to witness substance abuse.

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

My friend got upset at me because I said that Jathan is a weird name.

He was like "are you THERIOUTH right now?"

Be careful about emails from weird addresses with long links or strange files attached

They could be from your parents

This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

So I just watched the music video for Radioactive, and if you think fighting stuffed animals are weird…

Imagine Dragons.

My friend has this weird habit of walking into a party and writing his name on the wall with a marker.

That’s ….his signature move.

What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.

Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.

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I watched a really weird porno the other day.

It was just a fat white man sitting in a darkened room, crying and wanking at the same time for an hour. Then I realised the TV wasn't switched on yet.

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I was having sex with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder...

I hate having sex in the bath.

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I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus,

I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:

They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

It's really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.

They never get any green cards.

So, I have had a pretty weird morning...

First I find a hat filled with money, and then out of nowhere I get randomly chased by an angry man with a guitar!

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Person asked me what I did for a living. I told them I work in a pickle jarring factory. They said that’s weird.

I said what’s the big dill, that’s how I make my bread and butter

I'll tell you a weird story about a pig's behind, but...

I've got to warn you; it's a twisted tale.

(tail)

Ate some weird mushrooms last night and somehow ended up in a Mazda car sales yard tripping like crazy....

Shroom Shroom.

Sorry is a really weird word.

If a normal person says it, your anger is gone but if a doctor says it, you are gone.

My relationship with trading is a weird one. They are unstable, constantly deplete my money, give me mental trauma, but I carry on thinking about the good times I had with them, and the money they made for me.

Guess I have "Stock"holm syndrome

Every time I turn on my friend’s mustang it sprays this weird fluid everywhere

And apparently he doesn’t want me to come over and take care of his horses anymore

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It's always weird when you're in the room with two people you've fucked.

Adds to the family reunion drama, though.

It's a shame that, for all Weird Al's talents, he'll never know the ultimate height of fame

He'll never be parodied by Weird Al.

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Isn't it weird that phrases mean something totally different as an adult than when you were a kid?

Like, "It's time for a spanking." "You've been a bad girl." Or "Come over here and suck daddy's dick."

My wife thinks it’s weird that I Star through the window every time it rains or snows

Maybe one day she’ll let me in

I was taking a break at work when I got a weird text from my wife...

"HoneyIcan'tusethespacebaronmyphoneandnowallmytextslooklikethis!Pleasegivemeanalternative!"

I rushed home as fast as I could, but what's a ternative?

A weird, infuriating thing that happened to a friend of mine.

So a friend of mine was on the downtown bus the other day and, nice guy that he is, he gave up his seat for an elderly woman that got on after him. I guess she was really old too. She had a cane and everything. But then suddenly everybody else on the bus got mad at him for it. They started yelling a...

A security guard about to start his night shift finds it weird to see his boss coming into the office...

"Hey boss? Working late tonight?"

"Yes, I'm flying to Europe tomorrow, family trip."

In the morning, minutes before the security guard's shift end, the man spots his boss again, but now sharing some strong words.

"Boss, please don't get on that plane. I had a terrible dream it w...

Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

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My boss has a weird sexuality

He loves f**king my life!

Patient: Doc, every time I open my eyes, I have this weird urge to throw up!

Doctor: Wow. This is the worst case of see sickness I have ever encountered.

A Weird Doctor Visit

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.

She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in t...

I had this weird dream that I was swimming in a fizzy purple drink...

When I woke up in my bed, I have to admit, I was a little disappointed that it was only a Fanta-sy.

Don't you think it's weird...

Don't you think it's weird when Atheists call their kids Christian?

I think a better name would be Godfrey.

I'll see myself out.

They weird thing about the Erectile Dysfunction support groups is they're always planning meetings (NSFW)

But nobody can come.

My kids got me a worlds greatest dad shirt which is weird because I didn’t even know it was a competition.

Their biological father definitely didn’t.

It's always weird returning to the home you grew up in

Of course, the family that lives there asking me to leave and saying they are "calling the police" aren't helping either

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My wife left me on account of my weird fetishes

I said "Fine! Slam the door on my dick on your way out!"

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

My pet iguana is acting weird

I think I have a reptile dysfunction

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color. No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

A weird disease

An old women visits a doctor and says, " Doctor, I have a weird disease, I FART... But for some reason there is no smell or sound. I just farted now but as you can see... no sound.. no smell..nothing".

So doctor gives some medicines and asks her to visit after a week.

After a w...

Retired atheists will now get extra money according to a weird new proposal, which has been dubbed

sus pension of disbelief.

You know that weird urge you get to just eat something because its there?

Anyways i lost my job as a gynecologist

I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed

I desperately need to see kelp

So I heard there's a group of optometrists who founded a colony on an archipelago off the coast of Alaska, but the islands themselves are very weird to look at.

They're called the Optical Aleutians.

I finally realized why many apartments have weird popcorn ceiling

I sat at my desk and started working on a project.

Weird names can bring problems

In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. But, som...

I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound

Noelle is a weird name.

Mostly because there‘s 2 of them right towards the end.

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Not my joke: Bill Burr, prolly the best joke ever: We have a weird relationship with cows;

1. You suckle it (milk)
1. You can eat it
1. You can tip it over when its sleeping

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But if you fuck it youre going to jail

At first I thought it weird that Joe Biden wanted to make his press secretary staff all women

But then I remembered that meant he didn't need to pay them as much

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

After jacking myself off to logical deduction, i realized that im really weird.

This is the conclusion that i came to.

Can we guess your age with just one weird question?

What year were you born?

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My girlfriend just left me because I am always giving weird nicknames to my penis.

I guess I have to take Matters in my own hands.

I think it’s weird that we call childbirth “delivery”.

Shouldn’t it be called “takeout” instead?

My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it...

But he's sticking to his guns on this one. Stubborn man.

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

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UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

It'd be weird to have a fake breast made of oak…

Wooden tit?

I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird....

I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not.

Source: course

Hey reddit, here's a weird game:

For every upvote, I'll remove one item of clothing.

(come on guys, the washing-line is almost empty.)

Why do baby calzones always look so weird?

Because they're in bread.

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It’s weird that the rhinos are dying out

Because they’re so horny

My dad has this weird hobby, where he collects modern bottles

That sounds way better than alcoholic

I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say ....it’s a gift.

That's weird

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,

"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

Found a weird .exe file on your computer? Beware!

Could be a set up.

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Germans are weird

In my recent trip to Germany I managed to hook up with this really cute German girl, but for some reason she just kept yelling her age during sex..

People think I’m weird because I swallowed an abacus...

It’s what’s inside that counts...

It's So Weird

**Even if I unplug everything, my house still sounds like tinnitus.**

I came into a lot of money today, which is weird.

I usually use tissues.

One day at school the lad who sat next to me swallowed his calculator. I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo. I told them, "He may be a bit weird,

but it's what's inside him that counts!"

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There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

There was a cricketer who had a weird bulge growing under his two testicles.

He thought it was just a bug bite but he doubted it. After about 25 days, the bulge became very big. So he went for a doctor's appointment.

The doctor did the scans necessary and found out that he was growing ...

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

Why would you think a show about children and monsters is weird?

Honestly, I've seen stranger things

my friends say that i am weird for using my airsoft gloves as winter gloves

it's just what i happened to have on hand

A lot of weird stuff is going on in America at the moment...

It's like America is built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

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Such a Weird Religion!

In a feast, a Catholic priest was sat next to a Jewish man.

The priest, who wanted to make fun of the Jew, put some bacon on his dish and said:

\- Sir, would you like some of this bacon?

\- Thanks, but don't you know pork is not allowed in my religion?

\- Wheeeew, such a ...

It’s a weird world we live in

Two men are sitting in a bar, then one of them turn to the other one says:
It’s a weird world we live in, you see; the mouse is scared of the cat, the cat is scared of the dog, the dog of its owner, the dogs owner of his wife... and the wife is scared of the mouse...

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

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