My wife says if this post gets 1,000+ upvotes then we can get freaky on my cake day.

Please don't, the handcuffs are bad enough, the whip and strap-on are huge!

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A guy halts his car near a prostitutes.

„How much for a blowjob“ he asks.
„50“ she answers.
„Great, hop in“ he says.

She gets in the car, takes the $50 and gets down on him. After she‘s done, the guy says „That was so hot, here‘s another $100 just for you.“ She‘s surprised but pleased. She takes the money and gets out of the ...

Signs of our times

My brother says hiring in California is so low, they updated the policy - Long hair freaky people "may" apply.

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When I have enough saved up, I'm going to convert my cellar into a sex dungeon to really indulge my freaky kinks.

But for now it's just going to be debasement.

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A butcher and a vet are having a bit of freaky time.

The vet says to the butcher: Could you tug me off, because you have experience with sausage.
The butcher agrees and then tugs the vet off.
The butcher then asks: I’ve tugged you off what do I get in return.
The vet says: well whatever you want
The butcher responds: erm, I heard you have ...

People are so desperate for employees now

That the sign say long haired freaky people please apply

I received a message last night from an unknown source that read, “I’ll be there in five minutes, and then we are going to get freaky.” I was terrified, but luckily it turns out it was meant for someone else.

Either way, I done using Ouija Boards.

The night Beethoven was buried

The graveyard attendant was walking by his grave and he swore he could faintly hear Beethoven’s 9th symphony playing in reverse. The next night as he walked past the grave, he could hear Beethoven’s 8th symphony playing in reverse. This happens all throughout the week for this man. The graveyard att...

What’s the difference between a freaky girl and a freaky vegan chick?

A freaky girl will toss your salad, a vegan will eat it and toss your bacon.

Things got a bit freaky during foreplay the other night.

I thought I heard someone entering the morgue.

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My wife told me that if I painted the whole house, we could get freaky and do anal.

It's been a week and my ass is still sore.

I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed......

....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.

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There’s an old couple that start dating at 70

After about a month of dating, they decide to get a little freaky.

So they start doing things and the woman says to the man, “you know, it’s been a long time since someone has gone... down there”.

So the man obliges and makes his way down there and after only a short bit he says, “ I...

A Halloween joke?

A homeless man named Sturgis was walking down to his town's Human Resources to apply for housing assisstance. When he gets there, he sees some strange creatures in line ahead of him. Cousin It from the Adams' family was there, as well as the Looney Tunes version of Mr. Hyde. Among them was your typi...

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The other hole.

My buddy asked me the other day if whenever my wife and I were getting freaky if I ever tried having sex with her other "hole".

I replied "Hell No!",.......... She might get pregnant.

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A kid is looking for his Christmas presents

He stumbles upon them in his parents closet and begins looking through them. As soon as he begins searching he hears the front door open. He panics and hides in the closet. Then his mom and a man(not his father) come into the bedroom and begin to get freaky. Then the front door opens again and it’s ...

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A trucker is driving down the road one lonely night..

when he comes upon a brothel so he pulls over. He goes inside and there is an older woman with a glass eye sitting at the front desk.
Man: "Yes how much is a night with your most beautiful girl?"
Old Woman: "If all the way it is around 500"
Man: "That is steep, what about just a blowjob?"<...

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I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
...

Two men are sitting in a bar

One man looks at the other and says

"So, you're married right? You and your wife ever.... Get freaky, and decide to put it in the other hole?"

The second man responds

"WHAT!? And run the risk of getting pregnant? Hell no!"

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My girlfriend has twelve breasts.

It seems kind of freaky, dozen-tit?

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In bed my wife calls my Jimmy John's.

I cum freaky fast.

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If Internet browsers were girlfriends

**Firefox** is like that freaky chick that lets you do anything in bed, but has a lot of baggage that just weighs you down. Often you're caught considering those pros vs cons when evaluating staying with her.

**Chrome** is the chick that's half your age, is full of young spunky attitude, is ...

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A husband and wife are copulating vigorously...

So this man and his wife are going at it with aplomb--making noise, screaming, and screwing each other's brains out. Their young son, hearing the commotion and fearing the worst, bursts into the room, sees his parents all naked and sweaty, and horrified, runs screaming down the hall. The husband tel...

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[LONG][STORY][NSFW] The King's Daughter's Guards

In a land that is far from here, but not so far from there, in an ancient time that is not so long ago, there lived a king.
Now, this king had a daughter, the most beautiful young woman in the entire world. As she grew to the age when suitors started appearing, the king grew paranoid that she w...

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Pathan's Interview

A Pathan being interviewed at U.S. Embasy:

CONSULATE: Your name please?
Pathan: Gul khan.
CONSL: Sex?
Pathan: Ten to twelve times a week.
CONSL: I mean male or female?
Pathan: Both male/female & sometimes Camels too.
CONSUL: You seem Ugly !
Pathan: yes Ugly & Pich...

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French Horn

Two women are talking with each other. One asks the other "What happened to the French Horn player that you were dating?"

The other says, "We broke up...he was a little freaky."

"How do you mean?" asks the other

"Well," she answers "let me put it like this. Every time we would k...

I saw a really lifelike portrait of Donald Trump the other day...

... it was really freaky how the hands followed you around the room.

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Tolio

A man and woman get married and have never spent the night together. In the honeymoon sweet the wife is way to horny and excited to wait any longer. She pushes her husband on to the bed and starts pulling off his shoes then socks...and screamed!
"Oh god what happened your feet???"
"I had tolio...

A tale of two camels

Buddy of mine works at the local zoo. He's usually taking care of the camel they have there they call Sir Hump. They had been noticing that he was looking mopey and depressed so they brought in a companion. This female camel was named Lady Lumps. Anyways, Hump was finally acting normal again and soo...

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A man decides to give up corporate life and move to cabin deep in the woods...

For a few months he lets go of the stress of the big city, chops his own fire wood, grows his own vegetables and enjoys the natural splendor of his surroundings.

Then one day he hears a knock on his cabin door and finds a huge, hairy, gristled old lumber jack standing on his porch.

"...

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