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Frightening Jokes

This is a frightening statistic

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!

The holidays are the most frightening time of the year for me.

I was a little dyslexic as a kid, and when I was a teen I started dabbling in the dark arts.

I think I sold my soul to Santa.

Every year when the jingle bells start ringing, I get nervous. It could be the elves coming for me.

Who writes the most frightening tales from the dark web?

... HTTP Lovecraft

The future is a little bit frightening

Everybody is kung-flu fighting

A guy tells me that black holes aren't frightening

But I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation here.

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind

To see a peeping tom at my window while I’m changing is frightening....

But it still hurts when they reach in and pull the curtains shut

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

New frightening study released statistic that as much as 25% of Women are diagnosed clinically insane

Especially frightening because that means there is 75% walking around undiagnosed

In the prison shower

A man is being send to prison, on the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stamme...

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle...

He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, 'I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But I can only grant one.'

The man thought for a while and finally said, 'I ha...

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.

The sign read “Free beer if you can pass our test!”

Curious, the man asks the bartender how he can win free beer. The bartender replies “First, you gotta down this entire bottle of pepper tequila, and you can’t make a face while doing it. Next, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth. ...

I've suffered from terrible nightmares for years now

Not once have they disturbed my sleep. At this point, I don't think they're even trying to be frightening.

A heavily inebriated man is out with his wife.

Finally they call it a day and make their way home. Driving on a major road, the car swerves dangerously, frequently crossing lanes at a frightening speed and narrowly avoiding causing countless collisions. Eventually they are pulled over by the cops.

With the window lowered, the man attempts...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free beer for the person who can pass this test!

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well, it's that time of year again

when people come up to me with their scary face and frightening clothes with their hand held out wanting money and shit.
I hate my job at the welfare office.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a great plan for a heist this time last year...

I was gonna disguise myself as a zombie and terrify the crap out of people at the bank. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, the more frightening I tried to get, the more food people kept giving me.

In a hospital

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."

"She...

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