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My roommate is a weirdo performance artist who outlines all his paintings with his penis.

I shouldn’t have moved in with Dick Tracy.

When trying online dating, you should open with a joke you found on Reddit.

This way, you can ensure that they're not some weirdo who reads Reddit.

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"You're a shit quay!" I shouted. Everyone looked at me like I was a weirdo, but I blame my girlfriend.

She was the one that told me to diss a pier.

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I hate it when you're on the bus and the local weirdo get on and sits next to you.

You know, the ones that watch you having a wank.

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The day I met ET. I was minding my own business waiting for the bus when this weirdo sits next to me and pokes me on the shoulder.

"Stop it, will you!" I said. He does it again and I was about to slap the silly grin of his face, but he raised his hand and said there was no need for violence, he was a stranger from a different planet and came to study earthlings.

"Prove it" I said, and he opens his jacket and there are gi...

I was walking by a house the other day that was being worked on and the guy hammering on the roof called me a paranoid little weirdo.

In Morse Code.

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Religion is...

An excuse to piss on other people's beliefs you know nothing about while thinking your own weirdo beliefs are absolute truth without any sort of proof.

Good thing I'm an atheist so I'm above all that.

What did the B say to the ○

You're a weirdo.

It's been a strange sort of day.

First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar.

A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my balls...

Weirdo never showed up.

A priest, a philosopher, and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar...

They sit down at a table and the priest says "God created all things!"

The philosopher says "But who created god?"

And the conspiracy theorist says "I think we're all just inside a computer and we're put into this exact situation by some weirdo as a sick joke!"

If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

What did the paintbrush say to the artist?

Nothing. Paintbrushes don't talk.



Weirdo.

A Man goes into a public toilet cubicle

In the cubicle next to him, another dude says: "Hey bro"
The man next to him, unsure, says: "Ummm... Hi?"
The dude says: "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to the toilet... just like you."
"Hold on imma call you back there's this weirdo in the cubicle next to me who's responding to everyth...

When parents post pictures of their kids in the bath it's normal and cute

But when I save those pictures suddenly I'm a weirdo.

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Fireworks are like sex

Some people watch it

Weirdos video tape it

And some people furiously masturbate to it

My scottish girlfriend told me a knock knock joke yesterday, it goes like:

-Knock Knock

+Who is it?

-Weirdo

+Weirdo who?

-We r done 'ere.

Did you know that if you put 10,000 monkeys in a room with 10,000 typewriters then....

...... you're a rich, eccentric weirdo who should be prosecuted for animal cruelty.

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A Mormon family is checking into a hotel. The father says, “I hope the porn in this room is disabled.”

“No it’s just regular, you weirdo.”

I tell myself everyday that I should stop doing drugs.

But I’m not listening to a weirdo who is high all the time and talks to himself.

Head Teacher: I'm going to have to expel you.

Pupil: You'd have to eat me first, weirdo.

(Shout out to Emo Philips)

When I look in the mirror, I see a massive loser.

I see my own reflection, too, but this weirdo has been following me around all day.

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

I don't go on and on about how I can't roller skate

But apparently the whole world needs to know about how this weirdo in the river can't swim.

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much

...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

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On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

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I was watching anime the other day when all of a sudden my mom walks in.

I quickly switched it porn so she wouldn't think I'm a weirdo.

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Giving advice to an idiot is very much like gifting dildo to a girl...

You know they need it but they will throw it in your face and call you a weirdo instead.

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The Hooker and the ILLEGAL Immigrant

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100" she replies.

In broken English, he says,
"Do you do immigrant style?

"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you...

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Two nuns are travelling down a road late at night

And suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of the car.

The first nun says to the second nun,

"Quick! Show him your cross!"

the second nun then leans out the window and shouts,

"Get the fuck out the way, you pointy mouthed weirdo!"

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A Scotsman goes into a brothel

in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a nice-looking prostitute.

He asks her, 'How much dae ye charge for an hour?' '€100,' she replies.

So he asks, 'Okay, dae ye dae it Scottish style?' She says 'No!'

He then says 'I'll gie you €200 to dae it Scottish style'. She didn't...

What did one loaf of bread say to the other?

Weirdo.

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I saw my disrespectful co-worker today she was hot.

"Wow, words can't describe how pretty you are." I said walking up to her.


She then replied looking at me as if I was a creep: "Uh thanks.. weirdo"


"But numbers can" I smirked.


"2/10. Bitch."

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A man walks into a bar

and asks for a 35 year old scotch. The bartender thinks hes a weirdo off the street, and gives him a 10 year old scotch. The man says, "Sir, this is a 10 year old scotch. I asked for a 35 year old scotch." So the bartender decides to try him and gives him a 20 year old scotch. The man guessed correc...

So apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema.........

but, when you do the same for Schindler's List, you're some kind of sick weirdo.

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A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66

Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid's name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much w...

"That's as clean as cold water gets 'em!"

A young man is harassed by his parents on the topic of his grandfather, and how he never visits or speaks to him anymore. The man protests, sighing. "He's such a weirdo. And he lives up there all alone in mountain country, I doubt he wants to see *anyone!*"

But his parents continue to insist ...

Nineteen!

A guy gets fired from his job, and as he's walking home, head down, he hears someone yelling "Nineteen! Nineteen!" He looks around, and some weirdo is jumping up and down in the middle of the street, pumping his fist in the air. "Nineteen! Nineteen!" Curious and with nothing better to do, the man wa...

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