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Weirdo Jokes

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Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fucking weirdo..

Didn't even show up.

This weirdo in the bathroom tried talking to me while I was on the toilet.

Just because the stall door is open doesn’t mean I’m here to chat. Jeez, have some boundaries dude.

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much

...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

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My roommate is a weirdo performance artist who outlines all his paintings with his penis.

I shouldn’t have moved in with Dick Tracy.

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"You're a shit quay!" I shouted. Everyone looked at me like I was a weirdo, but I blame my girlfriend.

She was the one that told me to diss a pier.

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The day I met ET. I was minding my own business waiting for the bus when this weirdo sits next to me and pokes me on the shoulder.

"Stop it, will you!" I said. He does it again and I was about to slap the silly grin of his face, but he raised his hand and said there was no need for violence, he was a stranger from a different planet and came to study earthlings.

"Prove it" I said, and he opens his jacket and there are gi...

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I was watching anime the other day when all of a sudden my mom walks in.

I quickly switched it porn so she wouldn't think I'm a weirdo.

(A joke I wrote myself) A Russian man walks through the streets of Moscow.

As he passes by the headquarters of a major company, he notices a poor man in decrepit clothes standing by the building, seemingly waiting for something, looking at the sky. "Another poor crazy weirdo", he thinks. He keeps on walking.

The next day, he passes near another company's HQ, and see...

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Yall watch out. My lady said there is some weirdo running around the neighborhood.

She said he is offering a bottle of wine if the woman shows him her boobs.

She also says the wine taste terrible.

If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

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I hate it when you're on the bus and the local weirdo get on and sits next to you.

You know, the ones that watch you having a wank.

When trying online dating, you should open with a joke you found on Reddit.

This way, you can ensure that they're not some weirdo who reads Reddit.

One day at school the lad who sat next to me swallowed his calculator. I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo. I told them, "He may be a bit weird,

but it's what's inside him that counts!"

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a first date.

Today I finally asked her to marry me. She said “no you creepy weirdo”, both times.

It's been a strange sort of day.

First I found a hat full of money... and then I was chased by an angry weirdo with a guitar.

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Christian businessman asks the teenage receptionist, "is the porn in the hotel room disabled?"

She gives him a look of utter disgust and says, "no, it's just regular porn you weirdo."

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Two nuns are travelling down a road late at night

And suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of the car.

The first nun says to the second nun,

"Quick! Show him your cross!"

the second nun then leans out the window and shouts,

"Get the fuck out the way, you pointy mouthed weirdo!"

A man summons a genie from a lamp

The genie says he’ll grant 3 wishes.The man’s first wish is for infinite wishes.Well the genie tells the man that he can’t wish for more wishes.So the man wishes for an umbrella.The genie does so and then ask “Why do you need an umbrella?”.The man then says “Now shove it up your ass”. With a painful...

A man buys adult diapers

The clerk asks "are you one of those weirdos with a diaper fetish?" with a judgmental look on his face



The man says "no, I'm an Amazon warehouse employee."



The clerk says "Ah, I understand now."

My wife asked me if I wanted to go bowling or if we would stay home tomorrow.

I replied; “I don’t feel like shoving my fingers in some holes where a bunch of weirdos have been inside before me. So let’s go bowling”

I don't go on and on about how I can't roller skate

But apparently the whole world needs to know about how this weirdo in the river can't swim.

A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my balls...

Weirdo never showed up.

How do you think the unthinkable ?

With an itheberg.



Btw.. every single person i’ve ever told this joke to said they didn’t get it or that it wasn’t funny.. why am I the weirdo that finds it funny? And why am I picturing Mike Tyson?

Obv not my joke I heard it on Come Dine With Me

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A Scotsman goes into a brothel

in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a nice-looking prostitute.

He asks her, 'How much dae ye charge for an hour?' '€100,' she replies.

So he asks, 'Okay, dae ye dae it Scottish style?' She says 'No!'

He then says 'I'll gie you €200 to dae it Scottish style'. She didn't...

Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day.

Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”.

What did the B say to the ○

You're a weirdo.

When parents post pictures of their kids in the bath it's normal and cute

But when I save those pictures suddenly I'm a weirdo.

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Fireworks are like sex

Some people watch it

Weirdos video tape it

And some people furiously masturbate to it

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Fun fact

If you cut off all your body hair and laid it end to end you’d be a fucking weirdo

When on the phone and a woman says she is touching herself while talking to you, thats quite arousing.....

....but when a bloke says it he gets called a weirdo, and they stop you from using telephone banking :(

My scottish girlfriend told me a knock knock joke yesterday, it goes like:

-Knock Knock

+Who is it?

-Weirdo

+Weirdo who?

-We r done 'ere.

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What do you call men from the sea?

Mermen. You fucking weirdo.

Went to the naval observatory the other day.

....weirdos there wouldn't stop checking out my belly.

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This guy just messaged me.

He said he wanted to meet me in the woods to compare cocks.


I thought what a Fucking weirdo.


He never showed up!

What did the paintbrush say to the artist?

Nothing. Paintbrushes don't talk.



Weirdo.

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Who said that sexism against man doesn't exist

when a girl masturbates in a bath tub people start sending her money and all that stuff. But when I do it, I get called a weirdo and get banned from IKEA

What did one loaf of bread say to the other?

Weirdo.

Someone told me that before you criticise someone walk a mile in their shoes...

And now I'm a mile away, my feet hurt because I've been walking in shoes that are too small for me, I have to try and get my own shoes back and I can't even criticise them because everyone thinks I'm just some weirdo that steals shoes.

Last time I'm doing that

Did you know that if you put 10,000 monkeys in a room with 10,000 typewriters then....

...... you're a rich, eccentric weirdo who should be prosecuted for animal cruelty.

I tell myself everyday that I should stop doing drugs.

But I’m not listening to a weirdo who is high all the time and talks to himself.

Head Teacher: I'm going to have to expel you.

Pupil: You'd have to eat me first, weirdo.

(Shout out to Emo Philips)

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Giving advice to an idiot is very much like gifting dildo to a girl...

You know they need it but they will throw it in your face and call you a weirdo instead.

When I look in the mirror, I see a massive loser.

I see my own reflection, too, but this weirdo has been following me around all day.

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4 Tiny Jokes

What do you call someone who empathizes and feels badly for the plight of small crustaceans?

A shrimpathizer.

What do you call someone who uses machines to emulate the sounds of small crustaceans?

A shrimpesizer.

What do you call someone who chases after the affection of ...

A priest, a philosopher, and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar...

They sit down at a table and the priest says "God created all things!"

The philosopher says "But who created god?"

And the conspiracy theorist says "I think we're all just inside a computer and we're put into this exact situation by some weirdo as a sick joke!"

Was on the bus earlier today

And got caught staring at this beautiful woman whilst breastfeeding a baby.

She looked me right in the eye and said “you’re a weirdo!”

I asked “why, because I’m staring?”

She said “no, because you’re trying to breastfeed a baby!”

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On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

Nineteen!

A guy gets fired from his job, and as he's walking home, head down, he hears someone yelling "Nineteen! Nineteen!" He looks around, and some weirdo is jumping up and down in the middle of the street, pumping his fist in the air. "Nineteen! Nineteen!" Curious and with nothing better to do, the man wa...

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I saw my disrespectful co-worker today she was hot.

"Wow, words can't describe how pretty you are." I said walking up to her.


She then replied looking at me as if I was a creep: "Uh thanks.. weirdo"


"But numbers can" I smirked.


"2/10. Bitch."

"That's as clean as cold water gets 'em!"

A young man is harassed by his parents on the topic of his grandfather, and how he never visits or speaks to him anymore. The man protests, sighing. "He's such a weirdo. And he lives up there all alone in mountain country, I doubt he wants to see *anyone!*"

But his parents continue to insist ...

So apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema.........

but, when you do the same for Schindler's List, you're some kind of sick weirdo.

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Donald Trump is Being Sworn in as President...

The day is January 20, 2017. The greatly anticipated and feared time has come for Donald Trump's inauguration, and two men are watching it on the television from Australia, because they were slightly drunk and couldn't be bothered to get up and change the channel.

The moment came, and Trump s...

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

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A man walks into a bar

and asks for a 35 year old scotch. The bartender thinks hes a weirdo off the street, and gives him a 10 year old scotch. The man says, "Sir, this is a 10 year old scotch. I asked for a 35 year old scotch." So the bartender decides to try him and gives him a 20 year old scotch. The man guessed correc...

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"Purple Passion"

A boy was walking to school. A creepy man jumps out from behind a bush and screams at the kid, "Purple passion!"

Needless to say, the boy was frightened and took another way to school. He was late. The teacher asks why, and he explains:

"Some weird guy shouted 'Purple passion!' on my w...

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A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66

Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid's name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much w...

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

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