What do u call a fish with a bow tie?

So*fish*ticated

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I recently learned how to swallow a rope and have it come out the other end tied up in a bow.

I shit you knot.

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

What did the bow tie say to the top hat?

You go on a head, I’ll hang around

I got my son a bow & arrow set for his birthday, what does he get me for mine? … a T-shirt with a bullseye on the back.

I get no respect.

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.


Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

Why do all the Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on the bow?

So upon their return, they can Scandinavian

Bill Nye's grandfather rented a tuxedo to attend a Rotary convention in Philadelphia. The tuxedo came with an untied bow tie and he didn't know how to tie it.

Just taking a chance he knocked on his hotel's next door and there was a guy there.

\- Excuse me, can you help me tie my tie?

\- Sure. Just lie down on the bed.

The grandfather wasn't sure what he was getting into, but he wanted to have the tie on.

So he lay down on the b...

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He...

A husband wanted to surprise his wife on their anniversary by putting a little bow tie on his manhood, but got worried she wouldn't notice it after she turned out the lights.

She found it touching.

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The economy is like a bow up doll.

You inflate it as much as you can, and then fuck it until it pops!

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the adm...

Church service

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiv...

A man who was traveling for work had a formal dinner to attend but didn't know how to tie a bow tie for his tux.

After a half hour of unsuccessfully trying to tie the tie, he suddenly realized he was going to be late. He ran out of his hotel room and into the hall and asked the first person he saw walking towards him if they knew how to tie a bow tie. The man said he did so the business traveler invited him in...

Did you hear the one about shooting an apple off your head with a bow and arrow?

Yeah, I don’t wanna Tell you.

(Multiple Punchlines) One Should Never Make Fun of Someone Else's Bow.

1. They might not think it's friendly ribbon.
2. You should have the presents of mind to be polite
3. If they have an arrow, they might shoot you with it.
4. They might get angry and resort to violins.
5. In that situation, it's best to be curt, see?
6. Just say the bow wowed you.
...

A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'.

Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.

Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?

Because he didn't habanero..

Ten years into the war, both sides ran out of bullets for their guns.

They decided to use bows and arrows instead.

But ten years later, still strong in the war, both sides ran out of arrows and flint. So both sides used swords and axes.

But a decade after that, both sides ran out of metal, and they had to resort to weapons made of wood, like bo- staffs ...

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Once upon a time there was a farmers wife with a problem

And that problem was her dog Jingles.

Every night Jingles would snore so loudly that she was unable to get a wink of sleep. In exasperation, she went to the vet who advised her "What you need to do here is go to your sewing kit and get a piece of ribbon. Tie that around his balls and he'll st...

Linear Prejudice

Three ropes hanging around outside a bar and decide they’re thirsty. The first one goes in, comes back out, and says, “They don’t serve ropes here.”

Second rope says, “Huh! Lemme try.”
He goes in and comes back out a minute later and says, “Nope. They sure don’t.”

The third rope s...

A little girl went bow hunting with her Dad,

and when they found two nice ones she put her hair in pigtails.

A pastor, a nun, and a blind man were talking about the best position to pray in

The pastor says, "I think the proper way to pray is on your knees with your hands together and your head bowed."

The nun says "That's a good one brother Tim but I think we should pray with our eyes wide open looking up into the sky like a child would speak to their father."

The blind ...

What makes bows so accurate?

Arrowdynamics.

I will never forget my dad’s last words: “Will you stop playing with the bow, Nicholas?!”

PS: it was a joke

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The five minute management course

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before ...

Why do cowgirls walk around bow-legged?

Because cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

A little joke from a game

I used to fish with a guy named Wesley. One day we were fishing when we saw a funeral procession go over the bridge. Wesley stood up, took his hat off and bowed his head. He then sat down and continued fishing. I told him “That was nice of you”. He replied “Thats the least I owed. After all I was ma...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

My dad was showing me how to use a bow

He took me to the edge of our rather large property,

He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim.

"Alright son, you're up!"

I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet

"No son! Not that one!"

"Why not?"

"Because that's not archery...

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The king is afraid that the queen was disloyal to him and had sex with the castle guards.

So the king got a witch to put a magical spell on the queen so that anything that goes into the queen’s body gets chopped off.

One day, the king decides to summon all the men up and orders them to show him their private parts.
All the men had no penis except one of them.
The king walk...

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Three Samurai are debating over who the best swordsman is...

As they stand around debating, one of the samurai notices a fly buzzing around. He removes his sword from its sheath, swings it quickly through the air with a deft swipe, and re-sheathes it. The other two samurai watch as the fly falls to the floor cut in half.

The second samurai says, "That'...

Warrior: I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother!

Elf: You have my bow.

Dwarf: And my axe.

Necromancer: And your brother.

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

What do you call a communist with a bow?

Robin Hood.

The old man and Pagliacci

An old man deep in despair went to see his favorite comedian, the great clown Pagliacci.

After the show, the old man made his way backstage and found Pagliacci.

“Pagliacci,” the old man said. “I have always admired your work, and your set tonight was magnificent.”

“I’m humbled, ...

Three little boys are arguing about whose dad is the fastest

Boy 1: My dad can outrun an arrow shot from a bow!

Boy 2: My dad can outrun a bullet shot from a gun!

Boy 3: My dad works for the government. He can leave work at 5:00 and gets home by 3:00!

Took my dog to the vet because he won’t stop barking

Turns out he’s got irritable bow-wow syndrome

A man walks into a bar an drinks 10 straight double whiskys one after the other, suddenly he keels over rubbing his stomach head bowed, barman says to the man, 'what's the matter?' Man says 'I shouldn't of drank that whisky with what I've got', barman says 'why what have you got?'

Man says 2quid

A joke my dad told me today

Two old fishermen are fishing under a bridge. A funeral procession passes over the bridge. One of the old fishermen stands up, takes his hat off and bows his head.

The second old fisherman says “Wow, that was really respectful of you to do.”

The first old fisherman says “Thanks, it’s t...

Before the cross bow was invented

Most bows were actually pretty happy guys

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Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.

He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

At a hospital

Mother : "holding a newborn child" you have my eyes

Father : and my smile

Aragorn : you have my sword

Legolas : and you have my bow

Gimli : and my axe

Nurse : can we get security in here please , they are back again

A guy is out bow hunting...

... and while he's peeking out from behind a bush, he feels a giant paw on his shoulder.

It's a bear who says, "I won't kill you if you get on your knees and blow me right now."

The hunter is terrified so what could he do? He gives the bear head.

He feels humiliated and very an...

Lord of the Bow

So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."
<...

Three swedes found mysterious tracks from the forest

"It is a bunny." Said the first

"It is a rabbit." Said the second

the third one bowed to look and a train ran over him.

Mice

A family of mice were out walking, and were suddenly surprised by a large cat. Father Mouse stood his ground, drew himself up to his full height, and shouted BOW-WOW-WOW!!! at the cat. The cat, alarmed, ran off.

The small mice were very impressed. “That was fantastic, Dad! How did you do that...

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys...

I went to the music shop to buy a violin, the assistant said "Do you want a bow as well?"..

I said "Don't bother wrapping it"...

Guy chose a crossbow instead of bow.

It was a bolt decision.

An economist, a chaos theorist, and a statistician are trying to shoot a deer for dinner with a bow and arrow...

The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".

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A little boy and his mother were walking down the sidewalk when they encountered a bow legged man.

The bpy pointed his finger at the bloke and yelled out: "Look, mother, a bow legged man!"


His mother was surprised, took her son's hand; and hurriedly walked home.


Upon arrival, she reprimanded the little boy and told him that he would receive a worse punishment next time we wa...

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A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angril...

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Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman in court...

the judge says "I'm in a good mood today and i'm a dog lover as you well know, now if you can sing me a song about a dog i'll let you off, but if you can't then you're going away for a very long time" Englishman went first "How much is that doggy in the window, the one with the waggly tail..." "Case...

A string walks into a bar.

The bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and goes, "Hey, aren't you that string I turned ...

I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.

I stand corrected.

I was going to make a joke about a loose bow...

But I realized that joke was a little too far-stretched

I was going for a club where it was this rule - "people only with Brown Bow tie are allowed".

I entered the club and saw people were wearing other clothes too.

What's a spanish bow called?

An elbow

Three statisticians are bow hunting in the woods and see a deer...

The first shoots his arrow and misses to the right by three feet.

The second shoots and misses three feet to the left.

The third throws up his arms and yells, "We got him!"

Why can't Mexicans bow hunt?

'Cause they don't Habanero!

Robin Hood's last words

As Robin Hood lie dying, his loved ones and merry men, not so merry now, gathered round. With faltering, hesitant breathes, he calls for his bow and an arrow.

"This bow," he says, "has saved my life, kept me fed, brought peace to our land. I will fire it one last time and beg only that I be b...

What kind of bows do you put on your arms?

Elbows.

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II. Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it o...

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So this Elf, Dwarf and a Thief go out on an adventure

So this Dwarf, Elf and Thief go out on adventure - the Elf armed with a great bow, the Dwarf with a warhammer and the thief with an empty sack "for all the gold we'll find!" They travel for days and days until they approach the entrance to a dangerous and dark dungeon. Bu they see that another par...

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My go to joke- Guy sees “piano player wanted” sign window..

So he goes in, says he wants the job. Manager says, “alright, but 1st I gotta see if you’re qualified” So he plays a song and it drops the managers jaw “wow! That was amazing, was that Beethoven??” “No” the man replies “that’s an original. I call it ‘your tits are so big, my eyes are poppin outta my...

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The funeral procession.

I used to go fishing with a feller. Wesley, his name was. Miserable bastard, but he loved to fish. He and I would go out all the time. But one day, we were river fishing... when we see a funeral procession going over a bridge and, out of the blue, Wesley stands up, takes off his hat, bows his head. ...

Sir Dimalot strode into the throne room and bowed before the king.

"Your majesty," he said, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the villages of your enemies in the north."

The king looked perplexed. "But I do not have any enemies in the north."

"Ah," replied the knight, realising his mistake. "I fear you do now."

I thought I got a great deal on this new bow.

Turned out to just be a nock-off

Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.

“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”

“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

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I swallowed a piece of string yesterday when it came out my other end it was tied in a bow

I shit you not!

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

My cat and dog keep calling each other and talking all day long!!!

I regret now, naming my dog 'Meow' and my cat 'Bow-Wow!'

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Randolph the Bow-Legged Cowboy

You know George Armstrong Custer
And Frank James and Zorro,
Buffalo Billy, Red Ryder, and Tonto
But do you recall
The most famous cowboy of all?

Randolph, the bow-legged cowboy
Had a very shiny gun
And if you ever saw it
You would drop your pants and run

All of th...

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Dad wanted to teach his son how to shoot a bow and and arrow.

So they go out to the backyard and Dad shows the son how to do it.

The son takes the bow and fires off, and the arrow goes flying over the fence and into their neighbor's yard. The son goes to retrieve the arrow. When he comes back, arrow in hand, he says:

"Dad, I have bad news and ve...

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I made a bow tie!

The archer is pissed at me though.

Jesus and the woman taken in adultery

The crowd is about to stone her, but Jesus steps in front of them and says "Verily, the one who is among you that is without sin may cast the first stone!"

All of them let their hand sink, bow their heads in shame. There suddenly, from the back, a stone comes flying, hitting the woman squarel...

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Help Wanted

A lumber mill posts a help wanted ad for a lumber inspector and receives only one application. When they call the prospective employee in for an interview they realize he is an elderly man who is very clearly blind. The manager is skeptical that a blind man could be a lumber inspector, but after som...

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

The Hero: I'm on a quest to avenge the death of my Father!

The Paladin: You have my sword!

The Elf: And my bow!

The Dwarf: And my axe!

The Necromancer: And your father!

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these pe...

Why are Mexicans good at bow hunting?

Because they hav-an-arrow!

:D

A fool wearing an eye patch enters an archery contest

The contestants are told to hit the target in the distance. The guy wearing the eye patch picks up his bow, pulls back an arrow, and releases it. The arrow completely misses the target, goes in a totally different direction, and buries itself in the hat of one of the judges. The judge jumps up, shoc...

A little prick in Church

This little elderly wife and her husband never missed a Sunday service in 35 years. I believe they even sat in the same pew. They were very special to the church and one Sunday, the church wanted to present a beautifully engraved plaque. Coincidentally, it was their 52nd anniversary, and additionall...

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