UPJOKE
bladestabswitchbladebayonetmachetedaggershivpocketknifecleaveraxescalpelslitpointpocket knifeslicer

On a date

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!

He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.

What is the difference between an argument with your wife and a knife?

A knife has a point

Is it weird to lick a knife after your done using it?

Because the other surgeons looked at me in disgust today.

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife?

...The invitation said to look sharp

What do you call a knife made out of wood?

A cutting board.

^(I just made that up)

What do you call a guy with a knife sticking out of him?

An ambulance

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Who's got two thumbs and a knife injury?

Not this guy. It's more like 1.9 thumbs now.

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A guy pulls out a stick and starts carving it with his knife. His friend yells: "Hey! You dropped a big piece of wood on my floor!" The first guy responds:

"You're overreacting..........it's just a whittle bit."

What did the knife say to the spoon?

Fork if I know.

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.

That’s the last time we try knife throwing.

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

Why did the spoon agree with the knife?

Because the knife actually had a point.

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A Japanese guy and Mexican guy get into an argument

Things start getting really heated and the Mexican guy says "Let's take this outside !!!" The Japanese guy says "Let's go, but I'll warn you, I know Judo !!!" The Mexican guy says "O ya, well I know Mexican Judo." The Japanese guy looks confused and says "What the hell is Mexican Judo ?!?" The Mexic...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

A man drops a brick, a knife, and a bomb out of the window of a helicopter.

Joe has decided to go for a walk in the park. As he travels the park, he sees a kid crying. Concerned, he asks what's wrong. The kid says, "A brick fell and landed on my foot!". After making sure the kid was okay, Joe keeps walking. Soon, he sees a kid who is pale as a ghost. Concerned, he asks what...

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife.

It's cutting edge technology.

What did the cook say when trying to use a dull knife?

This isn't cutting it.

I had to buy a new knife today

The old one just couldn’t cut it.

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After catching her husband cheating on her, a wife decided to take matters into her own hands

She waited until he was asleep and took a knife to his member.

She then drove to an overpass and threw it over the ledge.

At the same time, two men were driving under the overpass when the penis landed on their windshield with a "thwap" and just stayed there.


The two men...

What do Mack the knife, Attila the Hun, and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife?

A knife has a point

The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

...

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A Frenchman, Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

After some time they come across a beautiful lake. They all decide to go swimming. Afterwards as they leave the crystal clear water they are captured by the local tribe and brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All 3 of you were caugh swimming in our sacred waters, this ...

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected...

help decode this joke please.

I asked Alexa to tell me a joke. And she replied-

"Once I tried to chop a carrot with a dull knife. But, no diced."

I have been trying to find the hidden humor in this joke but I can't. Feeling desperate now. Please help. Lol.

Guys I designed my own knife

It uses cutting edge technology





(Also blue cheese)

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Peeing at a festival

Last weekend I was at a festival, where the toilets were always crowded. So, like most men, I went to the bushes to pee. Here I saw that the man next to me was peeing through two jets. I got curious so I asked how he did it.

“I fought in Iraq”, he said, “and got hit by a shard of a bullet. Si...

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It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

What happened when the knife went for a drive?

It took a sharp turn

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Why would you whip your dick out in a knife fight?

The penis mightier than the sword.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

So this old man walked up to me…

I was walking home when the old man emerged from the shadows…
‘Sir,’ he said, ’could you please spare me of a meal? I’ve no money, I’ve no job, all I got in this world is a switchblade knife.

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A cat was sat next to me on the airplane

I was on an airplane and noticed a cat sat two seats over from me with a balaclava on, all of a sudden he gets up, walks to the cockpit, pulls a knife and puts it to the pilot's throat.


pilot says "what the hell's going on?"


cat replies "take me to the canaries"

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them

My surgeon friends disagreed

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A man goes back in time to kill hitler

He arrives in the year 1919 and approaches a young Hitler, he runs up to him with a knife but Hitler sees him coming and trips him up and dodges out of the way.

"Who are you!?" Says Hitler, the man says "I'm a time traveler from the future that's come back to kill you!" Hitler replies "Fucki...

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A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

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On board an aircraft carrier there are 3 generals, one American, one Russian and one British...

Suddenly, just for bragging rights, the American general says

"American soldiers are the bravest. Look! Smith, jump into the sea, swim around the vessel and come back!".

Smith jumps in to the sea, swims around the aircraft carrier, and jumps back. The American general looks at the ot...

Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife

They were his Catlery

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home...

Pointing a knife at me...He asked me "your money or your life!"
I told him I am married...so I have no money and no life...
We hugged and cried together
It was a beautiful moment...

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A software engineer.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

Justin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Justin to pull over.

When Justin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Justin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to Justin's car and cut up its leather seats.

When he turned aroun...

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few year ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

A celebrity, assassin, and activist walk into a bar.

They stand beside each other and have a friendly conversation.

Suddenly, the assassin takes the knife out and flat out murders the celebrity. He then dumps her in a nearby trash can.

The activist turns red and screamed, “You bloody monster! You didn’t put her in the plastic section!”

A young soldier from Texas was sent to battle….

A young soldier from Texas was sent to battle. Not being the brightest in class, a recruiter noticed he was tough and had heart so off he went to war right after high school.

While in service, he again was not known to be the brightest but earned many accolades and by the end of the war he w...

I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

I stabbed the opponent with my knife to preserve ammo

The paintball arena staff threw me out for some reason.

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife

Not made to scale

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

After using a knife....

...I always lick it clean.











The other surgeons were not happy.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

broke my knife in to pieces

I'll have to use a fork

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

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Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

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An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

The way to the man's heart is through his stomach

The trick is to use a long knife so that the ribs don't get in the way.

Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words:

“Rat tu, touille?”

You brought a pun to a knife fight?

That wasn’t very sharp....

A man was arrested for stabbing..

when the police confronted him he said, officer, I was standing on the corner cleaning my nails with my knife, and this man came running. He ran right into my knife, eight times.

A bandage is giving a speech to an auditorium full of people when all of a sudden, in walks a leg with a knife wound...

...the bandage says "I suppose we better wrap this up"

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An Australian, Frenchman and a British man are in a desert...

The three had been walking for a couple of days in blazing heat, they stumbled onto a ravine and begin to bathe in it.

The three men look up in horror to see see a group of tribals with spears pointing at them, the men are brought to the chief of the tribe.

The chief says "you trespass...

My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.

He made some excellent points.

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

People always say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight..

I don’t know, I always thought the person with the knife has the edge.

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I saw an ad for a butterfly knife

And I was like "a knife? How big are these butterflies?"

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One of my all-time favourite jokes

(read with Italian accent)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say, you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She s...

A happily married couple

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder s...

Took my Bowie knife to the blacksmith to get sharpened, when he saw it he said he hadn't seen one in while...

...I could tell he was really excited because he got a huge honer.

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

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My take on an old joke

A man walks into a castle to speak to the King.

"I wish to join your court, my liege." said the man

To which the king responded:

"You may join, but only if you complete these three tasks I give you."

The man, eager to join the court, carefully listens to the king's instru...

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