I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

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After a lifetime of work a Mohel (ritual circumcisioner) finally decided to hang up his knife.

Over the years he had kept all the “trimmings” of his work and decided to have them made into something to celebrate his retirement so he took them to a leather worker and asked him to make something special.

He went back a week later and was presented with - a wallet. “Beautiful” he tells th...

For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife

Not made to scale

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife

Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

People always say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight..

I don’t know, I always thought the person with the knife has the edge.

What's the difference between a knife and a girl in a argument ?

The knife has a point

‪In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo..

‪All the other paintball players started freaking out though..‬

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

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I saw an ad for a butterfly knife

And I was like "a knife? How big are these butterflies?"

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

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My teammates were freaking out when I used a knife to save my ammunition today. Really drove me crazy

Can't a man play fucking Paintball in peace god dammit

I started carrying a knife ever since an attempted mugging a couple years ago

Ever since then my mugging success rate has gone up

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words:

“Rat tu, touille?”

I saw two blind guys fighting in an alley last night.

You won't believe how fast they ran when I said: "My money is on the one with the knife!"

What kind of food does a toddler prepare with a sharp knife in the kitchen?

Finger food.

broke my knife in to pieces

I'll have to use a fork

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

What's black and white and red all over?

Two nuns in a knife fight.

What do you call a knife that does heroin?

A sharp shooter

At the steak house my wife exclaims, "Stop playing with your knife! You'll hurt yourself!" I reply, "These knives are so dull ...

A Rabbi would be furious and a foreskin would be irritated."

A classic by my grandpa.

It was funnier because he spoke broken English and cracked himself up every time.

Two Czechoslovakian friends were visiting the zoo. One leaned over the edge of the polar bear pit and fell in. He was quickly gobbled up. The zoo keeper came over mortified and asked the crowd what happened. On...

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration.
“You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the test...

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A man was stopped by the police for speeding...

A man was stopped by the police for speeding. He told the police, I have a dead body in the trunk. The policeman then proceeds to prepare to take him to the police station when he says, I also have a gram of cocaine in the glove compartment, a bloody knife from a murder under the carpet, and the car...

My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.

He made some excellent points.

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him put the knife back in his pocket.

Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”

He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

“That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back!”

“What was wrong with it?”

“You call that marksmanship? He got 10 tries and didn’t even hit that girl once!”

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

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A man with a knife stuck in his back staggers to a doctor.

The doctor says: “Sorry, we’re closed.” But the man doesn’t give up. After he’s been begging for 15 minutes the doctor sighs, “Alright!” Pulls out the knife, puts it in the man’s eye and says: “Go to the eye doctor next door. He’s still open.”

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.

Apparently, it was a Dyson.

An English man ,a Scott’s man ,and an Irish man got on a plane.

The English man had a brick the Scott’s man had a knife and the Irish man had a bomb.
Midway through the flight the English man dropped his brick and when he got home he found his mother crying in the garden. He asked what is wrong and she said your dad was sitting in the garden and it hit him ...

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

A cowboy challenges an renowned native american warrior to a bear hunt ..

The native guy accepts, so they pack up their tools. The cowboy takes 5 revolvers, 2 rifles and a bunch of knifes just in case. The native? Only one bow and just TWO arrows.

The cowboy is perplexed and has to ask:

Cowboy: "Are you sure 2 arrows are all you need?"

Native america...

To stay safe in bear country, always carry a small pocket knife and hike with a friend.

If a bear attacks, stab your friend in the leg and run.

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A story about kinks and boobs

I started dating this girl with a really weird fetish -- she's got a very nice pair of knockers, and she loves having it smacked loudly. She really gets off from the pain and from the really loud POP sound that the slap of skin-on-skin can make. Recently, she's been getting more kinky about it, and ...

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down

He was the very model of shivalry

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?

A pairing knife

A spoon, fork and a knife are are asking questions..

the spoon asks the time

the fork then asks a question

and the knife wanted to know what the weather was

but he wanted to know what the fork asked

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully ...

2 sisters has just bought 2 horses

2 sisters has just bought 2 horses.

While going for their first ride, Sister A suddenly stops, and says:
- "We have a problem. How are we going to tell the horses apart, and know which one is yours, and which one is mine?"

Sister B agrees this is a problem, and begins to think abo...

Two workers at TMZ are talking...

‘Did you guys hear about the actress who got stabbed?’
‘No, what happened?’
‘Reese…’
‘Witherspoon?’
‘No with a knife.’

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Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

You brought a pun to a knife fight?

That wasn’t very sharp....

A group of people are going through an introductory course to join the police force.

The first lesson they are being taught is about how to handle various situations in an appropriate, safe, and legal manner.

The instructor presents them with a scenario. They are dealing with an opponent with a weapon that can be used in close range, such as a knife. On the board in the front...

“Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband last night?”

“She’s that blonde chick Reese something?”

“Witherspoon?”

“No, with her knife”

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

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What do you call a spoon wielding a knife?

Fucking terrifying.

A man goes to the doctor with a knife in his thigh

The doctor: "Sorry I can't fix that, we are closed"

Man: "But then what in the world am i supposed to do??"

The doctor promptly takes the knife from the man's thigh and stabs him in the eye. The man screams with questionable agony

Doctor: "The eye doctor is open until 8"

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase

######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]:
shiv or me timbers...

Tapping

A man was sitting at home reading the paper one evening when he got a text from his neighbour.

"John, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I've been tapping your wife for over a year and a half now. I do it every day after you leave the house. I probably get more of it than you do. But I feel real...

A man is walking a cow upstairs to the roof

so he can slaughter it and eat it. He's tiring himself in the process as its very difficult to walk a cow upstairs. Another man sees him struggling and asks:

"Hey why are you taking the cow upstairs? You can just slaughter it on the ground!"

The first man replies:

"My knife is u...

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack

"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife"

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun"

Termite walks into a bar...

A termite walks into a bar and looks for a seat. The first guy he sees is all beat up and has a bloody knife in his belt, so the termite keeps walking. The next man is shouting and is visibly drunk, so he keeps searching. Finally, the third man the termite sees has a smile on his face and is enjoyin...

So i was arguing with a knife....

I was like damn, he does have a point!

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An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

The English cop thinks,”What could have gone so wrong in this man’s life to make him so upset with society? There’s a new program down in Bristol that might help him out...

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.

Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

I saw a knife that was dressed quite fancily.

I thought to myself "he looks pretty sharp".

In the middle of an unrelated conversation my friend mentioned he prunes his roses with a knife.

It was a non-secateur.

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Why did the butter knife fail all his classes?

He was just too dull.

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

I've been avoiding this guy who lost all his toes in a freak knife accident.

When he asked me why, I told him its because I'm lack toes intolerant.

Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?

A girl asked her mum, "Did you hear about the actress tho got stabbed?"

The mum replied "no who?"

The girl said "Reese something"

The mum said " Witherspoon??"

The girl responded "Nah with a knife"

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.

His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”


The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”

An old Latvian anecdote

Part 1:

So a Latvian, Russian and Englishman are on a plane and as the plane is circling around the airport they are beginning to get a little nervous when the pilots voice suddenly sounds "the plane is too heavy to land we need to drop some weight or else we won't make it to the airport" and...

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

Superman grandpa

On the first day of school the teacher asks the children to go home and ask for a family history story that has a morale in it. So one child comes to school the next day and tells the teacher this: you see, my grandpa was a bomber pilot. His plane was shot and he had to bail out. On his body was an ...

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

According to the movies, people get in knife fights all the time. But seriously...

But seriously, I can count on the fingers left on one hand the number of times I've been in a knife fight.

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald’s with a plastic knife.

I’m currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

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Teacher asks the class what is the “moral of the story”.... (Long Joke.)

Teacher asked the class what is the moral of the story? A kid raises his hand and says his dad was a Vietnam jet fighter pilot and had to parachute out on the way down he drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniels.
Landed picked up a gun killed 5 enemies. Picked up a knife killed 3 more and with his ...

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I couldn’t afford a knife for my son’s circumsion

It was a rip off

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I am a black belt in Mexican Judo...

Judo know if I have a knife. Judo know if I have a gun. Judo know shit, guey.

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Why didn't the fork and spoon want to hang out with the butter knife?

He was just too dull.

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Bill's new car

Bill decides after saving for a few years to finally buy a new red Lamborghini. He's so excited about it that he decides to go out and try it out on the highway.

As he's zooming down the highway, he sees a trucker up ahead slowing traffic, and decides to show off his new car by cutting the tr...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

My co worker told me he could beat me in a fight because he knows Mexican Judo.

He said "Judo know if I have a gun, Judo know if I have a knife!"....

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