My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!

He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Guys I designed my own knife

It uses cutting edge technology





(Also blue cheese)

A man drops a brick, a knife, and a bomb out of the window of a helicopter.

Joe has decided to go for a walk in the park. As he travels the park, he sees a kid crying. Concerned, he asks what's wrong. The kid says, "A brick fell and landed on my foot!". After making sure the kid was okay, Joe keeps walking. Soon, he sees a kid who is pale as a ghost. Concerned, he asks what...

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Why would you whip your dick out in a knife fight?

The penis mightier than the sword.

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

Why did the spoon agree with the knife?

Because the knife actually had a point.

What do Mack the knife, Attila the Hun, and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife?

A knife has a point

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

What happened when the knife went for a drive?

It took a sharp turn

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

A man accidentally dropped his kitchen knife onto his foot and unfortunately lost his toe.

The Doctor said "I have good news and bad news"

Man.. "Whats the bad news Doc?

Doc.. "Well, you see, they had to replace your toe with a piece of candy."

Man.. "Candy? So what's the good news?"

Doc.. "You now have tic tac toe"

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife.

It's cutting edge technology.

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

A happily married couple

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder s...

Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife

They were his Catlery

Bop it!

Bop it! *Bops it*

Twist it! *Twists it*

Pull it! *Pulls it*

Bobbit! *Gets a knife*

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them

My surgeon friends disagreed

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

Back in 2006, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully...

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

tears stream down brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. the rodent tugs his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. their eyes meet. caesar whispers his final words:

“rat tu, touille?”

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

Stupid but hope you like it sorry for bad grammar

A scottsman an Irishman and an Englishman are all on a plane the scotsman has a bomb an irishman has a knife and the Englishman has a brick the Irishman they all drop there things out of a window when the Irishman gets home he find his dad crying on the sofa in his living room he asks what's wrong h...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to avery n...

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

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The build up is what makes it

So a priest walks down from the church into the market.

he sees a young boy at a stand, selling fish.

he had never seen fish like these.

so the priest walks over to the boy and asks, "what type of fish are these?"

boy replies "sons of bitches"

priest says" you shou...

How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people?

You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”

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Elizabeth Taylor goes in to get her vagina reconditioned.

Elizabeth : Dr. I want to have the vagina of an 18 year old.

Dr. : Ok that can be done.

Elizabeth: Ok but please, ABSOLUTELY NO PAPARAZZI or MEDIA involvement!

Dr. : Of course, it will be completely confidential.


The surgery occurs with no complications. in f...

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I stabbed the opponent with my knife to preserve ammo

The paintball arena staff threw me out for some reason.

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she growled angrily. “Sorry, force of habit.” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

After using a knife....

...I always lick it clean.











The other surgeons were not happy.

When I see couple’s names carved into a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.

I think it’s strange how many people take a knife on a date.

A guy was cutting some branches off a tree next to an asylum and fell inside

The knife fell far away, and a prisoner inside got it before he did, and he started running towards him with the knife.

He ran for his life, until he couldn’t run anymore, he fell.

When the prisoner reached him, he dropped the knife next to him and said “Your turn!”

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Someone once told me that he uses a poop knife.

I told him to cut the crap.

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An older man fancied a young women he met.

The gentleman met the women and tried every trick in the book to get her to sleep with him, except the direct approach as she was so young and he was so married.

After some time she suddnly asked him "Are you trying to get me into bed?". Before the man could response she said "I would be hap...

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

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2 Bicyclists are riding down a bike path

The bike path goes by a lake, and through some trees. It's a moderately traveled path, but gets its fair share of riders. The bicyclists in question were riding down it on an otherwise pleasant day, when suddenly they reach a rough patch in the path. It looks contorted and discolored from the rest o...

For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife

Not made to scale

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

broke my knife in to pieces

I'll have to use a fork

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

A bandage is giving a speech to an auditorium full of people when all of a sudden, in walks a leg with a knife wound...

...the bandage says "I suppose we better wrap this up"

Took my Bowie knife to the blacksmith to get sharpened, when he saw it he said he hadn't seen one in while...

...I could tell he was really excited because he got a huge honer.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

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Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

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I saw an ad for a butterfly knife

And I was like "a knife? How big are these butterflies?"

People always say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight..

I don’t know, I always thought the person with the knife has the edge.

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.

He made some excellent points.

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

You brought a pun to a knife fight?

That wasn’t very sharp....

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

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A king suspected his queen of infidelity

Once a king suspected his queen of infidelity. She was pretty promiscuous and he suspected her of sleeping around. So he devised a plan. When she was sleeping, he planted a knife in her privates. He then went hunting for a week. When he came back, he told all his courtiers to strip down. Everyone ha...

This guy goes to the doctor...

So, this guy goes to the doctor because he's not feeling well.

The doctor asks him "What's wrong?"

The guy says "I've got this splitting headache and it feels like there's a knife in my guts. What's wrong with me, Doc?"

The doctor replies "I don't know. My guess it's something t...

What kind of food does a toddler prepare with a sharp knife in the kitchen?

Finger food.

What do you call a knife that does heroin?

A sharp shooter

A man walks into a bar.

Sitting down next to a second man, he orders an eye-watering combination of milk curdled with lemon juice mixed with their cheapest whiskey and run.

The second man is taken aback and says that's what he is drinking too!

"You must be a serial killer to like that kind of drink" the first...

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America.

Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.

They ask him: is this all your luggage?

He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America.

My friend told me I always say phrases wrong

But he’s not the brightest knife in the chandelier

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Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”

He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down

He was the very model of shivalry

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.

Apparently, it was a Dyson.

Why - what are YOU afraid of?

A cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her license and registration.

The LOL says, "Before I reach for my license, you should know I have a .45 in my purse."

The cop says, "Thank you for telling me. Please move very slowly when you take out your license!"

The LOL says, ...

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

To stay safe in bear country, always carry a small pocket knife and hike with a friend.

If a bear attacks, stab your friend in the leg and run.

At the steak house my wife exclaims, "Stop playing with your knife! You'll hurt yourself!" I reply, "These knives are so dull ...

A Rabbi would be furious and a foreskin would be irritated."

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...

The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"

The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."

The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"

The other one answered," No, p...

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A man with a knife stuck in his back staggers to a doctor.

The doctor says: “Sorry, we’re closed.” But the man doesn’t give up. After he’s been begging for 15 minutes the doctor sighs, “Alright!” Pulls out the knife, puts it in the man’s eye and says: “Go to the eye doctor next door. He’s still open.”

Joke advice

Hello everyone, at my job we are having a employee appreciation thing where we're giving out debby cakes and littles cup of ice cream to them. I am having to make little cute pun-ny notes on the cakes, but I need more ideas! If you can, drop some funny clever cake puns <3

Here's what I hav...

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

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Why did the butter knife fail all his classes?

He was just too dull.

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