My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.

He made some excellent points.

I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.

The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.

A man with a knife stuck in his back staggers to a doctor.

The doctor says: “Sorry, we’re closed.” But the man doesn’t give up. After he’s been begging for 15 minutes the doctor sighs, “Alright!” Pulls out the knife, puts it in the man’s eye and says: “Go to the eye doctor next door. He’s still open.”

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

Homeless man attacks kid with a knife

Don’t worry the kid was fine, I mean he had a knife.

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

What’s the point of a dull knife?

There isn’t one.

I was walking down the street with a friend and we saw two blind guys fighting

We got closer and I said "My bet is on the one with the knife."
They both ran

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

To stay safe in bear country, always carry a small pocket knife and hike with a friend.

If a bear attacks, stab your friend in the leg and run.

What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?

A pairing knife

What do you call a knife on your heel?

A shankle

A Doctor is running errands around town when a mugger with a knife stabs and robs him...

A bystander runs up to the injured Doctor and says:

"You're bleeding out, let me stitch your wound"

to which the Doctor says "I'm a Medical Professional, I can handle it alone"

"Fine, suture self"

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.

Apparently, it was a Dyson.

A spoon, fork and a knife are are asking questions..

the spoon asks the time

the fork then asks a question

and the knife wanted to know what the weather was

but he wanted to know what the fork asked

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down

He was the very model of shivalry

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.

since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

In order to preserve my ammo, I switched to a knife.

The other paintball players looked horrified.

2 blind kids were fighting at school...

A bunch of students started to crowd around the fight. One of the students yelled “I’ve got 20 bucks on the one with the knife!”

Both of them ran away

What is a cow’s favorite knife?

A moo-chete

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack

"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife"

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun"

Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.

Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a spoon wielding a knife?

Fucking terrifying.

A man goes to the doctor with a knife in his thigh

The doctor: "Sorry I can't fix that, we are closed"

Man: "But then what in the world am i supposed to do??"

The doctor promptly takes the knife from the man's thigh and stabs him in the eye. The man screams with questionable agony

Doctor: "The eye doctor is open until 8"

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.

Since then my muggings have been way more successful.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

The Swiss General married a trans girl because she, like a Swiss army knife, has additional parts for varying scenarios.

She's his Swiss army wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

The English cop thinks,”What could have gone so wrong in this man’s life to make him so upset with society? There’s a new program down in Bristol that might help him out...

In the middle of an unrelated conversation my friend mentioned he prunes his roses with a knife.

It was a non-secateur.

I saw a knife that was dressed quite fancily.

I thought to myself "he looks pretty sharp".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

The cashier got my wife with this at the store just now then she got me at home with it. It only works verbally, but I wanted to share.

Cashier: Did you hear about the famous actress that stabbed her husband today?

wife: No who?

Cashier: Reese...um...

Wife: Witherspoon?

Cashier: No, with her knife!

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

You brought a pun to a knife fight?

That wasn’t very sharp....

I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

So i was arguing with a knife....

I was like damn, he does have a point!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of knife can you use during sex?

A boning knife.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

In 1986, Peter Davies

was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the el...

Man to Friend : "Yesterday, i found my wife with another man in bed."

Friend : "What did you do?"

Man : "I went angrily to the kitchen to find a knife. When i found one, i sharpened it carefully. I ran fast to the refrigerator to get lemons and used the knife to cut the lemon and make lemonade for me."

Friend : "What about the man?"

Man : "Of cour...

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?

You yell, “I vote for the guy with the knife!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the butter knife fail all his classes?

He was just too dull.

I've been avoiding this guy who lost all his toes in a freak knife accident.

When he asked me why, I told him its because I'm lack toes intolerant.

Did you see the news?

Tim: John did you see the news yesterday?

John: No shy?

Tim: an actress was killed! She got stabbed to death. Her name was um reese?

John: Witherspoon?

Tim: no with a knife John

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny tells a story.

So little Johnny was in class at school and the teacher asks the class to tell her a story with a moral to it.
Little Suzie stands up and says "miss I know one, what do elephants use as tampons?"
Teacher says "I don't know". Little Suzie replies "sheep".
The teacher then asks but what's ...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'


''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about
my Mom.She was...

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicle...

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