How do you break up a fight between two blind people?

Yell "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.

since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.

Since then my muggings have been way more successful.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

The English cop thinks,”What could have gone so wrong in this man’s life to make him so upset with society? There’s a new program down in Bristol that might help him out...

A man is on trial for murder.

The judge asks him to give his version of the story, and how he pleads.

The defendant replies: "Innocent, your honor. I am not sure what exactly happened myself, I was sitting on a park bench, enjoying the nice weather, peeling an apple with my pocket knife, when suddenly this guy trips on th...

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

You brought a pun to a knife fight?

That wasn’t very sharp....

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

So i was arguing with a knife....

I was like damn, he does have a point!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of knife can you use during sex?

A boning knife.

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the butter knife fail all his classes?

He was just too dull.

I've been avoiding this guy who lost all his toes in a freak knife accident.

When he asked me why, I told him its because I'm lack toes intolerant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a black guy and a Latino guy and an Asian guy are all walking together!

A man walks up to them with a knife and says “if your dick sizes don’t add up to 20 inches, then you’re all getting stabbed”. The black guy pulls it out and it’s 12 inches. The Latino guy pulls it out and it’s 7 inches. The Asian guys pulls it out and it’s 1 inch. The man with the knife says “you’re...

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why didn't the fork and spoon want to hang out with the butter knife?

He was just too dull.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I couldn’t afford a knife for my son’s circumsion

It was a rip off

I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

According to the movies, people get in knife fights all the time. But seriously...

But seriously, I can count on the fingers left on one hand the number of times I've been in a knife fight.

Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy

Words cannot describe the happiness i felt as he put his knife back in his pocket...

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever and his friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread!”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind...”

Have you ever licked a knife?

They taste like blood.

I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald’s with a plastic knife.

I’m currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.

I was at dinner the other day with my girlfriend and her parents when she said "Could you pass me the knife daddy?"

I knew I was dead when both her dad and I stood up.

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

Why wasn't the tribesman angry when he lost his knife?

He was a nomad

My girlfriend drew a knife on me...

Took me a frickin month to wash it off.

I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

What do you call a knife made to kill goats?

A lamb shank.

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.

I scored full Marks.

Swiss Army Knifes

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.

The next day, he called her ...

What do you call a man with a knife in his back?

An ambulance

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This morning I was thinking about a crazy slut who was chasing me with a knife.

It was a scary thot.

If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument....

....pull out some bread, deli meat and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...

...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

How do you disarm a man with a knife?

Cut between the shoulder and upper arm.

Why did the knife have a genetic disease?

It was in bread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A grandmother went to the doctor with a knife in her knee...

She explained that she wanted to kill herself
"The why did you stab youself in the knee?" aksed the doctor.
"Thats how thay told me" repled the grandma, "two fingers under the tits".

Recently my daughter cut herself badly with a bread knife

I immediately called 911. the operator told me to apply pressure. I said to my daughter, "When am I going to get a grandchild?"

You know the knife is good...

When no one left a review on Amazon.

I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago

Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people

A blonde was walking down a shady alley, when all of a sudden a mugger jumps out from behind cover and says "I have a knife, give me all your money!"

She screamed and yelled "Don't shoot!"

A fork and a knife's conversation

Knife: forks are basically useless.

Fork: why? What will people eat with?

Knife:with their hands.

Fork: you've got a point