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Knife Jokes

My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!

He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

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A knife is like a penis…

It’s not about how big it is, it’s about how effective you are at making someone regret their decisions when you whip it out.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

Is it weird to lick a knife after your done using it?

Because the other surgeons looked at me in disgust today.

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

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What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

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How did the man remove the Swiss Army knife from his rectum safely without hurting himself?

Please answer soon it’s starting to hurt

What’s always a useful comment when someone pulls a knife on you?

I see your point

i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I stopped arguing with my friend when he pulled a knife on me

That was when I realized he had a point.

I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

What's the difference between a girl's argument and a knife...

The knife has a point.

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A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

What does a Lemon do after getting a knife cut?

Lemon-aid

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

What do you call a circumciser without a knife?

A ripoff

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

What did the cake say to the knife?

You want a piece of me?

What did the kitchen knife say to the hand?

Can I get your digits?

What does a knife have in common with a milkshake?

They both look amazing, but you usually regret your choices once they're in your stomach.

I gave up trying to sharpen my two-dollar knife.

I just couldn’t see the point.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

What happened when the knife went for a drive?

It took a sharp turn

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked "What's the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "you're funny".
I said "wise choice".

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Once there was an inflatable boy.

He lived in his inflatable house with his inflatable parents, and every morning when the inflatable clock struck seven, he would come down the inflatable stairs and eat his breakfast at the inflatable table, then go and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable school.

But one day for some r...

Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife.

It's cutting edge technology.

Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife?

...The invitation said to look sharp

Who's got two thumbs and a knife injury?

Not this guy. It's more like 1.9 thumbs now.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Why did the spoon agree with the knife?

Because the knife actually had a point.

Did you hear about the bread knife that did a hit and run?

It was in car serrated

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

You brought a pun to a knife fight?

That wasn’t very sharp....

For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife

Not made to scale

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

Did you hear about the knife thrower who started using volunteers as a part of his show?

Yea they're a part of his target audience

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Why would you whip your dick out in a knife fight?

The penis mightier than the sword.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

After using a knife....

...I always lick it clean.











The other surgeons were not happy.

I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

What did the cook say when trying to use a dull knife?

This isn't cutting it.

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

Guys I designed my own knife

It uses cutting edge technology





(Also blue cheese)

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

Afer some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred w...

What did the knife say to the spoon?

Fork if I know.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife

They were his Catlery

I stabbed the opponent with my knife to preserve ammo

The paintball arena staff threw me out for some reason.

A man drops a brick, a knife, and a bomb out of the window of a helicopter.

Joe has decided to go for a walk in the park. As he travels the park, he sees a kid crying. Concerned, he asks what's wrong. The kid says, "A brick fell and landed on my foot!". After making sure the kid was okay, Joe keeps walking. Soon, he sees a kid who is pale as a ghost. Concerned, he asks what...

What do you call a knife made out of wood?

A cutting board.

^(I just made that up)

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

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Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

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Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife

He said i was toast.

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The aussies will understand

Three men are hiking in the Australian outback. One man is an Englishman, another is a Frenchman, and the other is an Aussie man. The men come across a beautiful lake and decide to take a swim. Once they get out they’re greeted by indigenous tribesmen. The leader of the tribe says to the men “you ha...

How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get captured by a tribe of cannibals

The leader of the cannibals arrives, and says "Greetings, travelers. I'm sorry to tell you this, but since we have captured you, you must die. Furthermore, we must eat you, and make canoes out of your skins, in accordance with our traditions. However, we will be as humane as we can. We will allow yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me that he uses a poop knife.

I told him to cut the crap.

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

Barbers decide not to talk about politics, and everybody ends up not talking at all. The air is so tense. it could be almost cut with the barber's knife.

Donald's hair gets fi...

Swiss Army Knifes

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.

The next day, he called her ...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

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I saw an ad for a butterfly knife

And I was like "a knife? How big are these butterflies?"

Did you hear the one about the old knife?

While he's still sharp and can cut it with the best of em, you're more prone to have an injury working with him.

I went to prison for something I didn’t do

I didn’t wipe the fingerprints off the knife

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For my post-vasectomy follow-up my doctor required that I give one last semen sample. As a graduated Eagle Scout, I showed up to the appointment with all the necessary supplies: extra clothes, med-kit, secondary ID, Swiss Army knife, field guide, compass, and wet wipes.

When the nurse walked in to collect my sample she said, “I see you came prepared!”

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A Turk, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are traveling on a train.

The compartment gets warm, so the Frenchman opens the window and a fly buzzes in. Wanting to show off, the Frenchman swiftly draws his sword and with one strike, the fly is split in half. As the others look on in amazement, the Frenchman hands out his business card, which reads: "France's Best Sword...

A fork and a knife's conversation

Knife: forks are basically useless.

Fork: why? What will people eat with?

Knife:with their hands.

Fork: you've got a point

Have you ever licked a knife?

They taste like blood.

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Why did the butter knife fail all his classes?

He was just too dull.

What is a cow’s favorite knife?

A moo-chete

What do you call a knife that does heroin?

A sharp shooter

You know the knife is good...

When no one left a review on Amazon.

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

A psychopath breaks into a house

In bedroom, he finds a husband and wife sleeping. He grabs his knife, wakes them up and gets the knife close to wife's neck.

"What is your name", he asks her.

"Anna", she replies while shaking with fear.

"That was my mother's name", says the psychopath, "I will not kill you then...

A joke from ancient Rome

Two men were drinking ale in the market. The first man turned to the second and said "My friend, I have seen your wife's nudity."

The second man looks at the first, eyes wide, and says "I shall take a knife, and with it, I shall stab your eyes!"

And so the first said, "Thank you for th...

People always say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight..

I don’t know, I always thought the person with the knife has the edge.

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack

"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife"

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun"

My girlfriend drew a knife on me...

Took me a frickin month to wash it off.

I saw a knife that was dressed quite fancily.

I thought to myself "he looks pretty sharp".

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