I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down

He was the very model of shivalry

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

A spoon, fork and a knife are are asking questions..

the spoon asks the time

the fork then asks a question

and the knife wanted to know what the weather was

but he wanted to know what the fork asked

How weird

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

In order to preserve my ammo, I switched to a knife.

The other paintball players looked horrified.

A man goes to the doctor with a knife in his thigh

The doctor: "Sorry I can't fix that, we are closed"

Man: "But then what in the world am i supposed to do??"

The doctor promptly takes the knife from the man's thigh and stabs him in the eye. The man screams with questionable agony

Doctor: "The eye doctor is open until 8"

How do you break up a fight between two blind people?

Yell "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.

Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.

since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.

Since then my muggings have been way more successful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a spoon wielding a knife?

Fucking terrifying.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

The Swiss General married a trans girl because she, like a Swiss army knife, has additional parts for varying scenarios.

She's his Swiss army wife

In the middle of an unrelated conversation my friend mentioned he prunes his roses with a knife.

It was a non-secateur.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

An English cop, an American cop, and an Irish cop are walking down the street. A guy staggers out of a bar, waving a knife.

The English cop thinks,”What could have gone so wrong in this man’s life to make him so upset with society? There’s a new program down in Bristol that might help him out...

I saw a knife that was dressed quite fancily.

I thought to myself "he looks pretty sharp".

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

A man is on trial for murder.

The judge asks him to give his version of the story, and how he pleads.

The defendant replies: "Innocent, your honor. I am not sure what exactly happened myself, I was sitting on a park bench, enjoying the nice weather, peeling an apple with my pocket knife, when suddenly this guy trips on th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of knife can you use during sex?

A boning knife.

You brought a pun to a knife fight?

That wasn’t very sharp....

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

So i was arguing with a knife....

I was like damn, he does have a point!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a black guy and a Latino guy and an Asian guy are all walking together!

A man walks up to them with a knife and says “if your dick sizes don’t add up to 20 inches, then you’re all getting stabbed”. The black guy pulls it out and it’s 12 inches. The Latino guy pulls it out and it’s 7 inches. The Asian guys pulls it out and it’s 1 inch. The man with the knife says “you’re...

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the butter knife fail all his classes?

He was just too dull.

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't the fork and spoon want to hang out with the butter knife?

He was just too dull.

I've been avoiding this guy who lost all his toes in a freak knife accident.

When he asked me why, I told him its because I'm lack toes intolerant.

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I couldn’t afford a knife for my son’s circumsion

It was a rip off

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever and his friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread!”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind...”

According to the movies, people get in knife fights all the time. But seriously...

But seriously, I can count on the fingers left on one hand the number of times I've been in a knife fight.

Have you ever licked a knife?

They taste like blood.

I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald’s with a plastic knife.

I’m currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.

Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy

Words cannot describe the happiness i felt as he put his knife back in his pocket...

I was at dinner the other day with my girlfriend and her parents when she said "Could you pass me the knife daddy?"

I knew I was dead when both her dad and I stood up.

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

Why wasn't the tribesman angry when he lost his knife?

He was a nomad

What do you call a knife made to kill goats?

A lamb shank.

My girlfriend drew a knife on me...

Took me a frickin month to wash it off.

Swiss Army Knifes

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.

The next day, he called her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This morning I was thinking about a crazy slut who was chasing me with a knife.

It was a scary thot.

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument....

....pull out some bread, deli meat and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

Why did the knife have a genetic disease?

It was in bread.

How do you disarm a man with a knife?

Cut between the shoulder and upper arm.

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