I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.

Since then my muggings have been way more successful.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Shout, “I got money on that guy with the knife!”

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

A man is on trial for murder.

The judge asks him to give his version of the story, and how he pleads.

The defendant replies: "Innocent, your honor. I am not sure what exactly happened myself, I was sitting on a park bench, enjoying the nice weather, peeling an apple with my pocket knife, when suddenly this guy trips on th...

You brought a pun to a knife fight?

That wasn’t very sharp....

I dropped a knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to attach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor:I have some good news and I have some bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first.

Doctor: The bad news is that they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: What's the good news?

Doctor: The good news is t...

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

So i was arguing with a knife....

I was like damn, he does have a point!

What did the self-preserved stick say to the demeaning knife?

Please don’t bewiddle me.

I've been avoiding this guy who lost all his toes in a freak knife accident.

When he asked me why, I told him its because I'm lack toes intolerant.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the butter break up with the knife?

It kept getting left on bread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a black guy and a Latino guy and an Asian guy are all walking together!

A man walks up to them with a knife and says “if your dick sizes don’t add up to 20 inches, then you’re all getting stabbed”. The black guy pulls it out and it’s 12 inches. The Latino guy pulls it out and it’s 7 inches. The Asian guys pulls it out and it’s 1 inch. The man with the knife says “you’re...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the butter knife fail all his classes?

He was just too dull.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why didn't the fork and spoon want to hang out with the butter knife?

He was just too dull.

I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I couldn’t afford a knife for my son’s circumsion

It was a rip off

I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

According to the movies, people get in knife fights all the time. But seriously...

But seriously, I can count on the fingers left on one hand the number of times I've been in a knife fight.

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy

Words cannot describe the happiness i felt as he put his knife back in his pocket...

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

Have you ever licked a knife?

They taste like blood.

I was at dinner the other day with my girlfriend and her parents when she said "Could you pass me the knife daddy?"

I knew I was dead when both her dad and I stood up.

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever and his friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread!”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind...”

I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald’s with a plastic knife.

I’m currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

What do you call a knife made to kill goats?

A lamb shank.

Why wasn't the tribesman angry when he lost his knife?

He was a nomad

My girlfriend drew a knife on me...

Took me a frickin month to wash it off.

Swiss Army Knifes

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.

The next day, he called her ...

I once killed an adult male Grizzly bear on a ski trip in Alaska with a small serrated knife.

I had no idea grizzlies could ski or where the bear got the knife.

For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.

I scored full Marks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This morning I was thinking about a crazy slut who was chasing me with a knife.

It was a scary thot.

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

What do you call a man with a knife in his back?

An ambulance

If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument....

....pull out some bread, deli meat and cheese. Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

My teacher in workshop laughed when I said I could make a deadly knife out of cotton...

...After I sharpened the tip, he backed down saying, "I see you've made your point."

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

How do you disarm a man with a knife?

Cut between the shoulder and upper arm.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A grandmother went to the doctor with a knife in her knee...

She explained that she wanted to kill herself
"The why did you stab youself in the knee?" aksed the doctor.
"Thats how thay told me" repled the grandma, "two fingers under the tits".

Recently my daughter cut herself badly with a bread knife

I immediately called 911. the operator told me to apply pressure. I said to my daughter, "When am I going to get a grandchild?"

You know the knife is good...

When no one left a review on Amazon.

I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago

Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people

A blonde was walking down a shady alley, when all of a sudden a mugger jumps out from behind cover and says "I have a knife, give me all your money!"

She screamed and yelled "Don't shoot!"

A fork and a knife's conversation

Knife: forks are basically useless.

Fork: why? What will people eat with?

Knife:with their hands.

Fork: you've got a point

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

What'd the suicidal cop say to the knife?

You're under a wrist.