UPJOKE
bladestabswitchbladebayonetmachetedaggershivpocketknifecleaveraxescalpelslitpointpocket knifeslicer

My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!

He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.

What is the difference between an argument with your wife and a knife?

A knife has a point

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

Is it weird to lick a knife after your done using it?

Because the other surgeons looked at me in disgust today.

On a date

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

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How did the man remove the Swiss Army knife from his rectum safely without hurting himself?

Please answer soon it’s starting to hurt

What does a knife have in common with a milkshake?

They both look amazing, but you usually regret your choices once they're in your stomach.

Did you hear about the knife thrower who started using volunteers as a part of his show?

Yea they're a part of his target audience

I gave up trying to sharpen my two-dollar knife.

I just couldn’t see the point.

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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Joe suffers from chronic headaches for a long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

What do you call a guy with a knife sticking out of him?

An ambulance

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A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife?

...The invitation said to look sharp

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

What do you call a knife made out of wood?

A cutting board.

^(I just made that up)

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked "What's the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "you're funny".
I said "wise choice".

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If you can kill two birds with one stone...

...they were probably fucking.

(Also: if the knife cuts both ways, why not call it a dagger?)

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A kid is running around the house when he runs upstairs and finds his dad shaving in the bathroom.

The dad cuts himself and yells "shit."

The kid asks, "dad, what's shit?"

"Oh it's shaving cream."

The kid says "ok" and runs around again. He goes into the kitchen and his mom is cutting the turkey. She cuts herself with a knife and says "fuck."

The kid asks, "mom, what's...

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A man comes home early from work;

A man comes home early from work; As he enters the house hears noises coming from above

He rushes up the stairs and into the bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend Jim.

Oh Jim, how could you? We went to school together; we were in the scouts together, we….

Ji...

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A guy pulls out a stick and starts carving it with his knife. His friend yells: "Hey! You dropped a big piece of wood on my floor!" The first guy responds:

"You're overreacting..........it's just a whittle bit."

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saving your skin

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are travelling the wilds of Africa, when they are captured by a tribe of savages. They are tied to a tree and the chief comes up to them.

"I'll tell you what we're going to do: we'll cut you all the way open, pull out your intestines to make sausages, and we...

2 blind men were having a fight

2 blind men were having a fight, you should have seen their faces when I called out ‘’My money is on the one with the knife’’

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

Why did the spoon agree with the knife?

Because the knife actually had a point.

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

Who's got two thumbs and a knife injury?

Not this guy. It's more like 1.9 thumbs now.

Today I donated my watch, my phone and $500 to a poor guy.

You don’t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

Three explorers get abducted by cannibals

While on an excursion on the amazon river deep in the jungle three explorers are surrounded and captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are brought before the tribal leader.

He looks at the first and says, "we're going to dine on your flesh, we're going to use your bones to make tools, an...

Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife.

It's cutting edge technology.

What profession?

The father of a bright young son went to a wise friend for advice as to what profession the youth should be fitted for. The sage was brusque.

"Let the boy choose for himself," he said.

"But," protested the father, "he's too young."

"Well," responded the wise man, "put him in a ...

Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife?

A knife has a point

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

What do Mack the knife, Attila the Hun, and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

A man drops a brick, a knife, and a bomb out of the window of a helicopter.

Joe has decided to go for a walk in the park. As he travels the park, he sees a kid crying. Concerned, he asks what's wrong. The kid says, "A brick fell and landed on my foot!". After making sure the kid was okay, Joe keeps walking. Soon, he sees a kid who is pale as a ghost. Concerned, he asks what...

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

What did the knife say to the spoon?

Fork if I know.

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died.

Condiments are roaring in.

* He will be mist
* He was a very general food man
* He was killed in four luggages
* He is in a wetter place
* Paying for his knife and Emily
* Send flours and dalmations to---
* May he roast in piece
...

An examiner is testing a student

Examiner: Ok, so read this sentence for me *shows student a page that says ‘The man had a knife’*

Student: “The man had a kuh-nife!”

Examiner: Do you want to try that again? Remember to pay extra attention to the last word.

Student: “The man had a kuh-nife?”

The examiner ...

What did the cook say when trying to use a dull knife?

This isn't cutting it.

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.

That’s the last time we try knife throwing.

I had to buy a new knife today

The old one just couldn’t cut it.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

Last night I was walking home.

I was halfway down an alleyway when this guy approaching me blocked my path and pulled out a knife.

"Give me your wallet," he ordered, "and nobody gets hurt."

"I don't know," I replied, "disappointment can be painful."

Last night I couldn't find the pizza cutter, so I used a Bryan Adam's CD.

It cuts like a knife.

Guys I designed my own knife

It uses cutting edge technology





(Also blue cheese)

how to stop two blind guys from fighting

Yell "HE HAS A KNIFE"

One of the top questions I’ve been asked is “what’s the best way to spend your money when you’re homeless”

And from experience, I can say a mask and knife will work wonders for you.

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

...

What happened when the knife went for a drive?

It took a sharp turn

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A Japanese guy and Mexican guy get into an argument

Things start getting really heated and the Mexican guy says "Let's take this outside !!!" The Japanese guy says "Let's go, but I'll warn you, I know Judo !!!" The Mexican guy says "O ya, well I know Mexican Judo." The Japanese guy looks confused and says "What the hell is Mexican Judo ?!?" The Mexic...

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them

My surgeon friends disagreed

A man accidentally dropped his kitchen knife onto his foot and unfortunately lost his toe.

The Doctor said "I have good news and bad news"

Man.. "Whats the bad news Doc?

Doc.. "Well, you see, they had to replace your toe with a piece of candy."

Man.. "Candy? So what's the good news?"

Doc.. "You now have tic tac toe"

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Why would you whip your dick out in a knife fight?

The penis mightier than the sword.

Collateral damage

A guy flying a small aircraft starts finding random stuff under his seat and decides to chuck it all off the plane. First it was a knife, then a bag of potatoes, and lastly a jar of nitroglycerin. After finding nothing else under his seat, he carries on with his flight.

The next day, the ...

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The effects of marriage on sex.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

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A man came home early from work one day and found his next-door neighbor in bed with his wife.

Quickly pulling a gun, he marched the naked fellow into the garage where he tightly secured the neighbor's private parts in the vise on the workbench.

Still holding the gun to the man's head, he bent the handle of the vise with a crowbar. Putting the gun in his pocket, he then took out a very...

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife

They were his Catlery

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

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After catching her husband cheating on her, a wife decided to take matters into her own hands

She waited until he was asleep and took a knife to his member.

She then drove to an overpass and threw it over the ledge.

At the same time, two men were driving under the overpass when the penis landed on their windshield with a "thwap" and just stayed there.


The two men...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

For Sale: Replica Fisherman's Knife

Not made to scale

I stabbed the opponent with my knife to preserve ammo

The paintball arena staff threw me out for some reason.

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

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Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off...

She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.

You brought a pun to a knife fight?

That wasn’t very sharp....

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

tears stream down brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. the rodent tugs his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. their eyes meet. caesar whispers his final words:

“rat tu, touille?”

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected...

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A Frenchman, Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

After some time they come across a beautiful lake. They all decide to go swimming. Afterwards as they leave the crystal clear water they are captured by the local tribe and brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All 3 of you were caugh swimming in our sacred waters, this ...

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

It's so hard to lose weight

When you have an overactive knife and fork!

help decode this joke please.

I asked Alexa to tell me a joke. And she replied-

"Once I tried to chop a carrot with a dull knife. But, no diced."

I have been trying to find the hidden humor in this joke but I can't. Feeling desperate now. Please help. Lol.

The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

I can't think of a good knife pun.

Anybody want to take a stab at it?

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Someone once told me that he uses a poop knife.

I told him to cut the crap.

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On board an aircraft carrier there are 3 generals, one American, one Russian and one British...

Suddenly, just for bragging rights, the American general says

"American soldiers are the bravest. Look! Smith, jump into the sea, swim around the vessel and come back!".

Smith jumps in to the sea, swims around the aircraft carrier, and jumps back. The American general looks at the ot...

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I saw an ad for a butterfly knife

And I was like "a knife? How big are these butterflies?"

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