Arms Jokes - 70 Hilarious Arms Jokes

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's drawing of a snake.

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

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My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

" off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.

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A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, ...

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? ...

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There's a beautiful blonde woman on the beach, no arms no legs...

A man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, could you please hug me? I've never been hugged before." The man, feeling bad for her, picks the lady up, hugs her, and puts her back down and goes on with his day.

Later that day, a second man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, I've ne...

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

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A guy jogging on the beach sees a girls with no arms or legs.

Her torso is just propped up on some sand. As he draws nearer he sees that she's crying. He doesn't want to intrude, but he figures she might need some help.

"Excuse me, miss. Why are you crying?" he asks.
She responds "I'm just so sad! I've never been kissed before and I don't guess I eve...

What do call a man with no arms or legs in a cupboard?

Herb

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A grew to 5ft9 and had functional arms and legs. With his new found life he opened doors, pulled out chairs and was very chivalrous.

He was a true genitalman

I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

Names.

TIFU by buying an MP5K instead of a Mini-Uzi from the Arms Store...

Whoops, wrong sub.

Jenny has no arms and legs. Knock knock. Who's there?

Not Jenny

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

What has 7 arms and ?

Def leppard

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A golfer looses one of his arms and is depressed.

He can no longer play golf and feels he has nothing to live for, so he decides to end it all.
He goes to the top of a building and is ready to jump when he sees a man with no arms bouncing around happily on the sidewalk below him.
Wondering how someone with one less arm than him could possibly...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

A man with no arms walks into a church

“I’d like to apply to toll the bell, every hour on the hour” he tells the priest. The priest wonders how this would be possible with no arms so he decides to humor the man. Since it’s close to 3pm, they make their way up to the bell tower. At 2:54 the man sits cross legged and begins meditating. At ...

Jim was a man born with no arms

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Not jim

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out, "I want a billion dollars." **, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." **, he's holding papers showing his net wor...

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.

As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, young lady, ...

A guy with no arms walks into a church

and goes up to a priest. He says "Im here about the bell ringing job you have advertised?" The priest looks a little puzzled but says sure, lets go up the tower and you can give it a go. They get to the top and the priest says "okay show me how you do it?" The man takes a few steps back and runs hea...

Hey girl, are you an arms dealer?

Cause every time I see you, you give me a semi, automatic.

I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me

And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sat on a beach

A man with no arms and no legs is sat on a beach when he spots three bunnies walking by him. They all spot him and feel bad for him so they try to cheer him up.
The first bunny walks up to him and says; "Have you ever been hugged?" The man shakes his head so she gives him a hug.<...

I have 3 eyes, 5 legs and 6 arms, what am I ?

A liar

You hear about the Italian kid born without any arms?

Poor kid never learned to talk.

I looked from the game up to find my wife standing over me, arms akimbo and an annoyed look on her face.

"You're not even listening to me, are you?" she asked.

I thought to myself - "That's a pretty strange way to start a conversation."

I went to a public bathroom and saw a guy with no arms standing at the urinal. [Long] []

After a few seconds of waiting my turn, I realized that nothing was happening. He was just standing there, looking down.

"Umm, everything alright?" I asked him.

"Yeah, just got a slight problem here." he said, nodding towards his zipper.

I guess it's the humanitarian in me tha...

Which country is the largest supplier of arms to Ukraine?

Russia

The Missouri state legislature is considering a ban on female legislators' clothing that leaves their arms exposed

I never thought I'd see a Republican state trying to overturn the right to bare arms

(Yes, this is actually happening)

In the USA you can bear arms

In mother Russia we arm bears

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

The sheriff at the press conference said “we have a torso with no arms, legs, or head.”

“Frankly, we’re stumped.”

I told my doctor that I broke my arms in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

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A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life

3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before?"

"No" says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.

The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks "Have you ever been kissed before?"

"No" the m...

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

Shout out to my arms for always being by my side...

& my legs for being there every step of the way

I just flew in from a Transformers convention.

And boy my arms are tires.

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Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.

3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him.
First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No"
so she hugged him & walked on.
The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No"
so she kissed him & walked on.
Third said "You ever been fucked?"
He said "No" as hi...

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms...

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms, whispers an address to the driver, and off they go...

The taxi driver sees something in the rear-view mirror that startles him.
"Ma'am, something's wrong with your puppy, isn't it?", to which the lady replies.
"It doesn't have l...

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

What's worse than losing all of your arms and legs?

Living in ohio

Which is correct: “I can write with both of my arms,” or “I can write with all of my arms.”?

It depends where you are. In the UK, for example, you would use “both,” while in Chernobyl, you would use “all.”

A man with no arms and no legs always had a dream of becoming a firefighter.

His mother didn’t want to crush his dreams but she knew he would never be accepted. She let him set up an interview so he could be let down slowly. Surprisingly, she picked him up and he gave her the news that he got the job. She was shocked. On his first day of work, she wanted to check in on him s...

It's amazing that the ancient Greek sculptors made statues without arms.

I mean, how did they hold the tools?

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A boy had been born with no arms, no legs, and no torso; just a head.

Needless to say, life was tough for the little fella. His parents; wonderful people; would take him everywhere. They would feed and care for him as best they could. They traveled the world looking for a doctor who could help their little boy in any way. But for many years, they got only regretful re...

You Americans may have the right to bare arms,

but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

What are your favorite "No arms, no legs" jokes?

In case you don't know the format, here's a few examples.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pond?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pot?
Stu.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Rustle....

A boy was born without a body

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes a...

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The Smallest In The World

3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one...

What do you call a man & woman with no arms or legs sitting on a barbecue grill?

Frank & Patty.

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