Leather armor is perfect for sneaking

Its literally made of hide.

If Batman wears kevlar armor and a bulletproof cape, why does Robin have to wear a bright-colored spandex outfit?

For the same reason: Batman doesn't like getting shot.

What do you call a long, skinny fish wearing makeup and a suit of armor?

Pretty Sir Eel

What do you call Iron Man without his armor?

Stark naked.

What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered the knight’s new armor?

You’ve got mail

While on trial, the defendant shows up alone in a suit of armor. The judge is perplexed.

The judge, curious as to what the hell the defendant is doing, asks him why he's wearing the suit of armor.

The defendant announces,

"Your honor, I wish to defend myself!"

Realizing that the AT-AT doesn't have enough armor around the back, the Empire released a new batch with increased armor...

and called them the PHAT-ATs

I keep having this recurring dream about a horse wearing a suit of armor

Actually, it may be more of a knight mare.

What is the strongest part of Batman's armor?

The plot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

Did you hear about the witch that died while melting down armor?

Her last words were: "I'm smeltinggg"

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake.

One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted ...

Game Show

Some folks see me as a know-it-all. I'm not, but I have a reasonable memory, and it got me on a game show, once.

The television game show was being recorded - they do a whole week at a time, and this was the wrap-up. I was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to m...

Did you hear about the guy from Prague wearing armor?

The Czech's in the mail.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does being a Chinese knight suck?

Because everyone always aims for the chink in the armor.

Why do rogues and thieves in RPGs usually wear medium armor?

Because it's literally made out of 'hide'.

Courtesy of /u/Courin at /r/Guildwars2 (with minor editing):
https://www.reddit.com/r/Guildwars2/comments/3b8p5o/why_thieves_are_a_medium_armor_class_in_gw2/

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

Wife is missing

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

Once upon a time there were three kingdoms.

They all bordered a large lake, which created trade and travel for all three kingdoms. Eventually, the ruler of the first kingdom decided that it wanted to control the whole lake. With his superior navy, he took control. In the generations to follow, his kingdom prospered. The second kingdom tried i...

It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.

They often had to wear mail armor.

There's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular

lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor and barely has an a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A prince in a distant and very rich kingdom decided it was time to get married.

After announcing his intentions, three beautiful noble women showed up as candidates.

Not knowing which one he should marry, the prince had the idea of proposing a contest. He gave 1000 golden coins to each woman and told them: "You have 5 days to spend all of this coins, then come back to me...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There once was an evil queen...

This queen was a dreadful ruler, but it was primarily because, like superman, she was an extra terrestrial being practically immortal, and superior to the human race she conquered. She'd make continents(ignoring Antarctica) compete in building large sculptures of her and the last place sculpture wou...

The winter war between Finland and the USSR

The Soviet general was moving with his army when he hears a whisper

"A Finnish soldier is better than 10 Russian soldiers"

Furious he sends out his best 10 men. Gunshots are heard but they do not return and he hears another whisper:

" A Finnish soldier is better than 100 Russia...

My favourite Math pun

There were once 3 kingdoms that bordered the same lake. In the middle of the lake there was an island, and the 3 kingdoms had been fighting over it for years. No one seemed to be able to keep the upper hand for very long and no one had been victorious. The wars over this little island were very cost...

the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to...

If you're starting a stealth build in skyrim

Make sure to use leather armor, because it's made of hide.

At the community swimming pool I met a fellow swimming that had no arms or legs.

I said, " Excuse me sir, but I think it's amazing what you're doing there! Do you mind telling me how you lost all your limbs?"

He said, "Oh, I lost them in the war. I was a Sergeant and I jumped on an IED to save my squad. My body armor saved my life but it didn't cover everything."
...

1008 AD - A tall knight is summoned by his lord...

On the way to the lord's castle, the knight, one Sir Richard of River's Bank is surprised to see that the fields are empty, and the serfs are nowhere in sight. When he arrives, he asks his lord if the summons has anything to do with the absence of the workers in the field, and his lord replies that...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call an Asian knight?

A chink in the armor

(I'm Asian so it's okay)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy admiral were having lunch and talking at the officers club when the topic of bravery came up in their conversation.

The Air Force man said that the men in the Air Force were the bravest of all the U.S. troops. The Army man said: "That's bullshit, everyone knows the Army has the bravest men serving the country. The admiral blurted out that they were both full of shit and that everyone in the country knew that the ...

The dragon and the dwarf.

Sir Robin the brave set out to rescue the beautiful princess from the terrible dragon who had kidnapped her. He first went to the wizard who enchanted his armor to protect him from the dragon’s scorching flames. He then went to the blacksmith, who gave him a mighty sword with which to slay the foul ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The samurai's autopsy report came back.

They found a chink in his armor.

A fun story about Dungeons and Dragons

I remember reading this great story, goes somewhere along these lines:

The party is traveling on a mountain in a blizzard, and every member rolls to see if they fall from the cliff. A dwarf warrior doesn't pass the check due to his armor, and falls.

DM: You fall from the cliff but hav...

God allows animals to ask him one question...

The giraffe: God why do I have this long neck?
God: to be able to get the finest leaves.

The rihno: why is my skin so heavy and thick?
God: because your skin is your armor and its role is to protect you from your enemies.

The chicken: I don't care, so please don't even try explai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What Kills Most Samurais in a Samurai Duel?

A Chink in the Armor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, Dutchman and Englishman have an argument over who's the manliest of all of them.

The Dutchman comes up with a contest. They have to complete 3 tasks, the person completing these tasks in the shortest amount of time, is the manliest of the trio. The 3 tasks are as follows:

-Climb up a coconut tree, grab a coconut, crack it, empty the coconut of it's milk.

-Kill a li...

D&D Jokes

Some jokes I've picked up for my Jester character:

* A human, a half orc, and an elf walk into a bar. The dwarf walks under it.

* Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch. One says "Man, i hate my wife" and the other one says "Then just eat the salad".

* What do you call...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are Samurai so easy to kill?

There are only chinks in the armor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?

No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.

Once upon a time there was a knight.

He was a very brave knight. One of the very best. He slew monsters and fought off invaders.

This knight had an excellent page. He would do anything for the knight. He was an expert at taking care of his horse, armor, and other equipment. The knight and the page were very good friends, trustin...

Killing spree in London england

A man in London had an assault rifle and body armor today. He was on a shooting spree for 5 hours. The police in England don't even carry guns. The guy kept shouting that he is going around London and killing all the British he finds.

There are reports coming out now that the body count coul...

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3 Generals are having a contest.

3 Generals one from the Army, one from Marines, and one from the Air Force are having a contest. A contest to see who's troops have the biggest balls.


The Air Force general looks to one of his best pilots and shouts "You..Pilot..take that fighter to 10000ft and then go straight down and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just heard this better version of a classic...

A guy and a gal hit it off at the bar. One thing leads to another and they end up back at his place.

The gal is impressed. This guy is a total catch. Professional triathlete, nice house, well spoken and chivalrous. Best of all: no tattoos. This gal hates tattoos.

Well, one thing lead...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do Chinese knights have a low rate of survival?

They all have chinks in their armor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Reaction to Snakes

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.

• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for
more snakes.

• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere
kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

• Army Aviation: Has GPS...

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Got kicked out of the Renaissance Fair after seeing an Asian wearing a breastplate.

I said there was a chink in the armor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Even the best men in the Chinese military

Have chinks in their armor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What was wrong with Genghis Khan's new suit?

There was a chink in his armor.

On a dark and stormy night...

...a comet flies past Earth. This comet was enchanted, and after it flew past the world, it caused all statues to come to life, solely focused on destroying every country in the world.

No nation was left safe from this attack. The gargoyles attacked France. The Statue of Liberty led a revolt ...

There was this really talented female painter

and one day she painted this magnificent painting inspired by medieval times of a ball. It was filled with lords and ladies dancing with each other, a table filled with food for the feast, fools entertaining, and men in armor standing guard. She was so proud of this picture she called her friend ove...