My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our smart devices are spying on us, and I have proof!

I used my smart camera to take a dick pic, and within an hour the algorithm started sending me targeted ads for army helmets and bean bag chairs.

Different names for a Power On Self Test, when it goes wrong and smoke comes out of the device:

Power On Smoke Test

Power On (and) S#!T Trousers

Power Oh S#!T TURNITOFF

There is a new male contraceptive device. It’s a pill,

you put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device.

The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

What do you call the device that controls the bells in Norte Dame?

Quasi-modem

Did you hear about the man who invented a device to see through walls?

He called it a window

Would you like to purchase a device that tracks how many times you've avoided buying fake worktops?

it's called my Counter Counterfeiting Counter-fitting Counter Fitting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

What type of device plays offensive music?

A stereo type

I invented a device to disrupt the watchmaking industry. I emailed a proposition to a French watchmaker. Their response?

Seiko Killer? Qu'est-ce que c'est?

I used to work at a company that made tiny measuring devices.

It was a small scale operation

I’m pretty indifferent about most literary devices...

...but I avoid similes like the plague.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel.

“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.

“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.

The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under th...

Whats the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that Smartphones are now the #1 ranked hand held device.

That means Penis has slipped to second place.

Terrorist groups in the Middle East have started surgically implanting improvised explosive devices inside the cattle that they drive through town on the way to market

The UN has described this practice as abominable.

Click for hint: >!(hint - say it out loud)!<

I met a time traveler today

Something strange happened to me this morning. I was walking my dog, when all of a sudden I heard a strange whooshing sound and out of nowhere a guy appeared on the side walk in front of me. He looked like he was in his twenties and was wearing really strange cloths. He was staring at a small techni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

A pastor was in his church with his congregation during Coronavirus.

He was praying to God for help to shield them from getting the virus.

An individual in one of the rows stood up and said to the pastor “Matthew 18:20 says Where two or three are gathered in my name there I am with them, so we all don’t have to meet in a large group and will be protected from ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a device that predicts someone’s penis length?

A Cockulator

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ?

CD-RUM

A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

[Long]A man who owned a clock shop wanted to set a world record.

He found one: Most battery powered devices he’d at once. He decided to use his clocks. As he was holding more and more, a crowd started to gather. However the man hadn’t been paying his taxes on time. An IRS guy saw him on his way to collect the mans taxes. He asked the man to pay his taxes. The man...

A 90 year old man walks into an electronic store and asked about two devices that had a difference in prices.

He was asked what was he going to use it for?

"Social media" He replied.

They would both work fine; if anything the nicer one might last a bit longer.

He said "Last longer? Man I'm 90. I don't even buy green bananas".

They are working on a nuclear device in Hawaii

The Nukeulele

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally decided to set up my VR device and watch some virtual porn.

Just as I was starting to enjoy it, my mom came in! I threw the headset off and tried to pretend nothing happened...

She'll be home any minute.

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

Did you hear about the new cooling device for the lower jaw of a south American rodent?

It's a chinchilla chin chiller.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting.

An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.

The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calcu...

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side?

I mean, imagine all the peepholes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

They just invented a mobile computing device that also plays guitar

The "Eric Claptop"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study shows that Samsung smartphones are now the most popular hand held device in the world.

For the first time, penis has slipped to Number 2.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy comes home one day and sees a weird device next to his parents

The device has a long arm, and has a bunch of buttons and numbers on it.
The boy asks his father "dad, what is that"? To which the father replies "it's a lying detector".
The father says "c'mon, let's give it a go! Where were you just now?"
"I was at the library"
SLAP!!!
The machines...

I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...

Banana for scale

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

What operating system does Thanos' devices run on?

ThanOS

What do you call a ballistic device that only fires birds?

A catapoultry.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Dad invented a device which allows people to see through doors

He called them "windows"

My seismic device has been stolen...

...The results could be earth-shattering

Scientists today combined a car with two domestic sweeping devices.

It goes broom broom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day the pope suddenly died...

...and around the world millions were shocked and saddened at the death of the man that lead the world to Jesus. An X-ray was done of his body as part of the investigation into his death and a strange abnormality was detected. Deep down his left ear canal was some kind of tiny device shaped like a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

[OC] My wife was trying to convince me that, one day, we'll all be making phone calls and sending text messages from wrist-mounted devices.

This made me upset. I exclaimed "not on my watch!"

Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

What do you call a counting device with a law degree?

Abacus Finch

(OC) An American chemist, a German chemist, and a French chemist are hanging out on a beach.

“Americium is the best element” brags the American chemist, “it’s used in smoke detectors and saves lives.”

“No way, germanium is way more awesome.” counters the German chemist, “without it, most electronic devices wouldn’t ever work.”

“Watch this, amateurs!” Says the French chemist, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a data storage device and a data transfer device?

One is a hard disk and the other is a hard dick.

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly a...

People dating are like Bluetooth devices

They're supposed to pair up and connect but it hardly ever works

When they ban the device I use to suck my drink up into my mouth...

That will be the last straw.

Why don't Bluetooth devices swim?

Because they're always trying to sync.

(My dad wrote this joke, just wanted to share it somewhere)

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

After the success of iPhone, iPad,... Apple has released a new device for Asian people

They call it iOpener.

Disclaimer: Chill, guys. I myself am 100% Asian and I found this joke funny. It's in /r/Jokes for a reason. Just have a good time instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Hi, how much for this torture device?

Sir, that's a wedding ring.

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know why Hogwarts doesn't have math class. They have a magical device for it.

It's called a calculator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a single guy living alone, I get invited to dinners with family friends or my parents or friends parents places. When use the bathroom I notice that every one seems they have these toilet paper holders, like little stacks of 2 to 4 brand new toilet paper rolls in some form of stacking device.....

I think back to my place & financial situation making one Toilet roll last as long as possible, to ensure that I keep to my tight budget of living alone with a dead end job.

To me it’s like these toilet roll stacks in the bathroom feel almost like a ostentatious display of the people’s li...

What device did God use to communicate with millennials?

A tablet.

But not from Apple.

Have you heard about the device that automatically swaps out Xbox discs for you?

It's a game changer.

A fisherman and his wife have two children

But the issue was they had no idea what to name them. No name sounded about right, but one day they realized that whenever they left them in a room to their own devices, one kid faced the sea and the other faced away. It was always the same kid, and it happened each and every time.

So they de...

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife. The device shares the pain...

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

Yeah it fits right in her mouth.

Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device.

You could say I killed two birds with one drone!

I recently bought the cutest little soup holding device with a certain Mexican explorer on it.

It was a Dora bowl.

Purchasing a rain barrel often leads to buying more water collecting devices

I guess you could say a rain barrel is a gateway jug.

(Modified from a story heard on NPR) : )

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I went online and bought one of these devices that enlarge your penis

The bastards sent me a magnifying glass with a warning label:

"DO NOT USE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT"

I made a device that lets me hear diseases.

Hearing cancer is great and all, but hearing AIDS sucks.

If I had to choose between a stepstool and a device that let's me get even higher...

...I'd take the ladder.


(I'll just leave now)

I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds.

I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holding down the power button until my device turns off feels like strangling someone until they stop breathing.

Except I usually hope my device turns back on.

Measuring device.

The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer.

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

There was a problem with my AC device

It's all cool now though

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

What device does Mario use to communicate with the dead?

A Lou-ouija board.

Did anyone see Apple's new device targeted for women consumers?

Its called the MaxiPad

Did you hear about the amazing new prosthetic device for paraplegics?

It's called a Vegetable Stand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the gents restrooms at the urinals with my whacky inventor friend when he told me that he'd installed a voice activated device on his penis to combat his mild incontinence by controlling the flow of his pee.

I said "piss off!" and sure enough it stopped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A man goes to a monastery in the middle of the Himalayas.

The man went to this monastery, because he wanted a break from the busy life of the city. Let's call him Dave.

Since they were in the middle of nowhere, and since he was going to be here a while, he decided to get to know some of the monks there. Apparently he hadn't been the first one to com...

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position.

Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper "Where am I?" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it. The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: " You're inside a helicopter ". The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Ev...

They tried to combine a networked hard drive with a device that brewed drinks...

It was NAS-tea

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

Scientists have invented a new device called the hyperbole chamber.

It is the greatest and best thing ever since the dawn of civilization.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

So, have you guys heard of a chicken cannon?

Used by US Federal Aviation Administration, it's a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.



The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crac...

Apple is trying to market its new iPod to the lower demographic with a newly named device ...

... however they decided "iTouch Kids" was not a good name.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.