A 90 year old man walks into an electronic store and asked about two devices that had a difference in prices.

He was asked what was he going to use it for?

"Social media" He replied.

They would both work fine; if anything the nicer one might last a bit longer.

He said "Last longer? Man I'm 90. I don't even buy green bananas".

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

Excuse me, how much is this torture device?

Sir, that is wedding ring.

What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ?

CD-RUM

Did you hear about the new cooling device for the lower jaw of a south American rodent?

It's a chinchilla chin chiller.

They just invented a mobile computing device that also plays guitar

The "Eric Claptop"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

I used to date a cellular device

Now she’s my iPhone X

What do you call a ballistic device that only fires birds?

A catapoultry.

Scientists today combined a car with two domestic sweeping devices.

It goes broom broom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

They are working on a nuclear device in Hawaii

The Nukeulele

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...

Banana for scale

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy comes home one day and sees a weird device next to his parents

The device has a long arm, and has a bunch of buttons and numbers on it.
The boy asks his father "dad, what is that"? To which the father replies "it's a lying detector".
The father says "c'mon, let's give it a go! Where were you just now?"
"I was at the library"
SLAP!!!
The machines...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A recent study shows that Samsung smartphones are now the most popular hand held device in the world.

For the first time, penis has slipped to Number 2.

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

[OC] My wife was trying to convince me that, one day, we'll all be making phone calls and sending text messages from wrist-mounted devices.

This made me upset. I exclaimed "not on my watch!"

My seismic device has been stolen...

...The results could be earth-shattering

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a data storage device and a data transfer device?

One is a hard disk and the other is a hard dick.

What operating system does Thanos' devices run on?

ThanOS

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I finally decided to set up my VR device and watch some virtual porn.

Just as I was starting to enjoy it, my mom came in! I threw the headset off and tried to pretend nothing happened...

She'll be home any minute.

Dad invented a device which allows people to see through doors

He called them "windows"

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

When they ban the device I use to suck my drink up into my mouth...

That will be the last straw.

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

Why don't Bluetooth devices swim?

Because they're always trying to sync.

(My dad wrote this joke, just wanted to share it somewhere)

After the success of iPhone, iPad,... Apple has released a new device for Asian people

They call it iOpener.

Disclaimer: Chill, guys. I myself am 100% Asian and I found this joke funny. It's in /r/Jokes for a reason. Just have a good time instead.

Have you seen Stephen Hawking's new communication device?

It really speaks for itself.

People dating are like Bluetooth devices

They're supposed to pair up and connect but it hardly ever works

In the future, theft will be automated by a device.

Its name will be *robbot*.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a single guy living alone, I get invited to dinners with family friends or my parents or friends parents places. When use the bathroom I notice that every one seems they have these toilet paper holders, like little stacks of 2 to 4 brand new toilet paper rolls in some form of stacking device.....

I think back to my place & financial situation making one Toilet roll last as long as possible, to ensure that I keep to my tight budget of living alone with a dead end job.

To me it’s like these toilet roll stacks in the bathroom feel almost like a ostentatious display of the people’s li...

Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

I gave my friend a cavendish in exchange for a weight-measuring device.

Banana for scale.

What device did God use to communicate with millennials?

A tablet.

But not from Apple.

I know why Hogwarts doesn't have math class. They have a magical device for it.

It's called a calculator.

Have you heard about the device that automatically swaps out Xbox discs for you?

It's a game changer.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

Yeah it fits right in her mouth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I went online and bought one of these devices that enlarge your penis

The bastards sent me a magnifying glass with a warning label:

"DO NOT USE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT"

Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device.

You could say I killed two birds with one drone!

If i had a cloning device

I'd be beside myself

Purchasing a rain barrel often leads to buying more water collecting devices

I guess you could say a rain barrel is a gateway jug.

(Modified from a story heard on NPR) : )

I made a device that lets me hear diseases.

Hearing cancer is great and all, but hearing AIDS sucks.

Measuring device.

The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer.

If I had to choose between a stepstool and a device that let's me get even higher...

...I'd take the ladder.


(I'll just leave now)

I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds.

I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"

There was a problem with my AC device

It's all cool now though

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Holding down the power button until my device turns off feels like strangling someone until they stop breathing.

Except I usually hope my device turns back on.

Apple is working on an electronic seeing device for the Navy

It's going to be called the I-Eye Captain

What device does Mario use to communicate with the dead?

A Lou-ouija board.

Did anyone see Apple's new device targeted for women consumers?

Its called the MaxiPad

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the gents restrooms at the urinals with my whacky inventor friend when he told me that he'd installed a voice activated device on his penis to combat his mild incontinence by controlling the flow of his pee.

I said "piss off!" and sure enough it stopped.

Scientists have invented a new device called the hyperbole chamber.

It is the greatest and best thing ever since the dawn of civilization.

Three engineers were trying to make smarthome devices (from a friend)

Three engineers and a manager are sitting around some appliances to help make them smarthome compatible.

The first engineer turns his attention to the refrigerator, "We should connect this fridge to the internet and make it tell you when food is going bad, I will need an Intel i7 if we want t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it bac...

Apple is trying to market its new iPod to the lower demographic with a newly named device ...

... however they decided "iTouch Kids" was not a good name.

They tried to combine a networked hard drive with a device that brewed drinks...

It was NAS-tea

A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position.

Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper "Where am I?" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it. The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: " You're inside a helicopter ". The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Ev...

Did you hear about that giant cooling device in Florida?

It was a Miami heat fan.

Did you hear about the amazing new prosthetic device for paraplegics?

It's called a Vegetable Stand.

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Jewish incendiary device?

A mazal tov cocktail

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Australian gynecologist was doing his rounds with a group of interns in tow.

As they were making their way between patients, one of the interns tapped the elderly doctor on the shoulder.

"Uh, doctor? I just thought I should tell you that you have an IUD behind your right ear."

The old doctor fumbled behind his ear and retrieved the offending device, scowle...

What do you do when your Apple device gets warm?

Ask apple to open the backdoor.

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

At the dinner table, mother shows the new lie detector she bought.

Mother: "Look, this device buzzes whenever it senses a lie"

Father: "Wow! Lets see! Hey son, what did you do today?"

Son: "Uhmm, I went to school."

*BUZZ*

Mother: "Ooh, you didn't go to class? Then what did you do?"

Son: "Alright, I watched a movie with a few frien...

Once upon a time an alien race tried to invade Earth (OC)

Humans were at a loss to protect themselves, then The Doctor came and and protected Earth. Everyone asked, "Doctor Who?"

There was no answer. Humans moved on and named The Doctor, "Doctor Who".

​

Once again an Alien race tried to invade earth. Helpless earth chanted...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

HoverDildo™

A lady engineer working late one night at a robotics company suddenly got a million-dollar idea! She then gathered up some spare parts and got to work on her side-project.

The next day, she showed one of her colleagues what she had been working on - A high-tech sex toy she called the HoverDil...

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

I was having issues getting my phone audio to connect to my car stereo

So I changed the name of my device to "Titanic".

Now its syncing.

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

A monk walks into a data center

And says to the owner, "Great things will come to you if you allow me to store my R.E.A.P device here."
The owner, confused, asks what a R.E.A.P device is. The monk smiles and writes a little note to the man that states: "It doesn't matter what it is but you will get great karma for R.E.A.P Hosti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

A young man becomes a born again Christian after reading a religious flyer at his college.

He doesn’t initially tell his girlfriend, justifying the embarrassment as natural to any young infant in the faith. But in the following weeks his commitment escalates dramatically, and he takes up a position as a Christian missionary to Uganda.
One day the dreaded phone call wakes him up. Ob...

Alliteration

A husband and wife were resting on a beach when they noticed a girl with a travel bag. She would approach people with boom boxes and other electronic devices and speak to them. Occasionally she would hand them something and walk off.

​
"She's probably selling drugs," said the wo...

A farmer buys a new machine..

It's designed for extracting milk from the udders of cows. He tries it out on a few cows and figures 'Wow this is great, I don't have to get my hands dirty at all!'
After seeing the machine in action, a thought flashes through his head involving his most basic human desires and before you know it...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy gets pulled over for speeding.

A guy is driving down the road, and right after he crosses over a bridge, there is a state trooper parked behind some bushes. The guy gets pulled over.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" says the Cop.

"Yeah, I was speeding." Says the guy, "But I have a good reason, I swear."

"...

The rapper and the artifact

A very famous artifact recovered from an old monastery had been set for auction, with the promise that the money would go to an orphanage supported by the same monastery. This artifact was one of a kind, nobody knew exactly what it was but they knew that it was incredibly rare. Very few people knew ...

King Arthur

King Arthur is about to set out on the quest to find the Holy Grail, but he's worried about Guinevere’s faithfulness while he's away. So he visits Merlin to discuss his concerns.
"Don't worry my liege, I have the perfect device to ensure your wife stays pure" and he produces a rather odd looking ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] King Arthur and Queen Guinevere

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him ...