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TIL that Smartphones are now the #1 ranked hand held device.

That means Penis has slipped to second place.

I invented a device to disrupt the watchmaking industry. I emailed a proposition to a French watchmaker. Their response?

Seiko Killer? Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Terrorist groups in the Middle East have started surgically implanting improvised explosive devices inside the cattle that they drive through town on the way to market

The UN has described this practice as abominable.

Click for hint: >!(hint - say it out loud)!<

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

I just came out with a new male contraceptive device...

It's a rock you stick in your shoe and it makes you limp.

I saw a craigslist add for Mobile Improvised Explosive Device Model and I had to apply.

After all, that opportunity only comes around once in a lifetime.

<There is my dark, cynical Halloween joke. :-)>

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

A woman goes into labor with her child.....

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.

He asks if it's okay to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain of the father to 10%.

The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels noth...

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Program for a mobile device. 3 letters

Wife: App

Husband: Common Jewish surname, 5 letters

Wife: Stein

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Male poss...

What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ?

CD-RUM

A 90 year old man walks into an electronic store and asked about two devices that had a difference in prices.

He was asked what was he going to use it for?

"Social media" He replied.

They would both work fine; if anything the nicer one might last a bit longer.

He said "Last longer? Man I'm 90. I don't even buy green bananas".

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

My girlfriend was setting up two factor authentication and it asked for her favorite mobile device.

Apparently "Hitachi wand" isn't a good choice.

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What do you call a device that predicts someone’s penis length?

A Cockulator

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

They are working on a nuclear device in Hawaii

The Nukeulele

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife. The device shares the pain...

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side?

I mean, imagine all the peepholes!

A fisherman and his wife have two children

But the issue was they had no idea what to name them. No name sounded about right, but one day they realized that whenever they left them in a room to their own devices, one kid faced the sea and the other faced away. It was always the same kid, and it happened each and every time.

So they de...

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I finally decided to set up my VR device and watch some virtual porn.

Just as I was starting to enjoy it, my mom came in! I threw the headset off and tried to pretend nothing happened...

She'll be home any minute.

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

I used to date a cellular device

Now she’s my iPhone X

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Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

What do you call a ballistic device that only fires birds?

A catapoultry.

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...

Banana for scale

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A recent study shows that Samsung smartphones are now the most popular hand held device in the world.

For the first time, penis has slipped to Number 2.

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A boy comes home one day and sees a weird device next to his parents

The device has a long arm, and has a bunch of buttons and numbers on it.
The boy asks his father "dad, what is that"? To which the father replies "it's a lying detector".
The father says "c'mon, let's give it a go! Where were you just now?"
"I was at the library"
SLAP!!!
The machines...

Scientists today combined a car with two domestic sweeping devices.

It goes broom broom.

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

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While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

What operating system does Thanos' devices run on?

ThanOS

Dad invented a device which allows people to see through doors

He called them "windows"

[OC] My wife was trying to convince me that, one day, we'll all be making phone calls and sending text messages from wrist-mounted devices.

This made me upset. I exclaimed "not on my watch!"

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What's the difference between a data storage device and a data transfer device?

One is a hard disk and the other is a hard dick.

My seismic device has been stolen...

...The results could be earth-shattering

People dating are like Bluetooth devices

They're supposed to pair up and connect but it hardly ever works

When they ban the device I use to suck my drink up into my mouth...

That will be the last straw.

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

Why don't Bluetooth devices swim?

Because they're always trying to sync.

(My dad wrote this joke, just wanted to share it somewhere)

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

After the success of iPhone, iPad,... Apple has released a new device for Asian people

They call it iOpener.

Disclaimer: Chill, guys. I myself am 100% Asian and I found this joke funny. It's in /r/Jokes for a reason. Just have a good time instead.

A Local delicacy

Two Italian nuns were visiting New York for a conference. They were walking down the street when they saw a vendor with a big sign that said 'The best hot dogs of New York'.

-Sister, look what that man is selling.

-Ah yes, I have heard about those. Very popular here.

-Is it real...

Have you seen Stephen Hawking's new communication device?

It really speaks for itself.

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

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[Long] A man goes to a monastery in the middle of the Himalayas.

The man went to this monastery, because he wanted a break from the busy life of the city. Let's call him Dave.

Since they were in the middle of nowhere, and since he was going to be here a while, he decided to get to know some of the monks there. Apparently he hadn't been the first one to com...

So, have you guys heard of a chicken cannon?

Used by US Federal Aviation Administration, it's a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.



The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crac...

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As a single guy living alone, I get invited to dinners with family friends or my parents or friends parents places. When use the bathroom I notice that every one seems they have these toilet paper holders, like little stacks of 2 to 4 brand new toilet paper rolls in some form of stacking device.....

I think back to my place & financial situation making one Toilet roll last as long as possible, to ensure that I keep to my tight budget of living alone with a dead end job.

To me it’s like these toilet roll stacks in the bathroom feel almost like a ostentatious display of the people’s li...

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

In the future, theft will be automated by a device.

Its name will be *robbot*.

Hi, how much for this torture device?

Sir, that's a wedding ring.

Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.

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A sadist and a masochist meet for some kinky time

They go to the sadist's room, full of whips, clips, bondage stuff etc. The sadist slowly goes from one device to the next, eyeing the masochist.

The masochist can't take it anymore and blurts out "Oh yes master, whip me, spank me, hurt me!"

And the sadist, with an evil, horny grin,...

What device did God use to communicate with millennials?

A tablet.

But not from Apple.

Have you heard about the device that automatically swaps out Xbox discs for you?

It's a game changer.

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

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A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it bac...

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(nsfw) Once upon a time, a man gets married to a beautiful buxom bombshell.

This woman has an incredibly high sex drive, and he can barely satisfy her at the rate she needs.

He gets ready to go on a business trip and wants to get something to keep her occupied in the meantime, so he goes to a local sex shop.

He asks the guy at the counter "what's the most hig...

Four Aliens

The are four aliens passing by our solar system. The don’t know a word of English. Their spaceship malfunctions and they manage to eject the escape pods before they crash land on Earth. Each alien lands in a different spot on the planet. They each decide they might as well try to learn some English ...

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

Yeah it fits right in her mouth.

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I know why Hogwarts doesn't have math class. They have a magical device for it.

It's called a calculator.

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The devil is showing the new arrivals around hell

The devil shows them all the different torture devices, they use the crime the people committed on earth to sort them into which punishment they get.



They hear screams coming from behind a doorway. The devil opens it and shows them people getting killed over and over. "These are the p...

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device.

You could say I killed two birds with one drone!

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So I went online and bought one of these devices that enlarge your penis

The bastards sent me a magnifying glass with a warning label:

"DO NOT USE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT"

Purchasing a rain barrel often leads to buying more water collecting devices

I guess you could say a rain barrel is a gateway jug.

(Modified from a story heard on NPR) : )

I made a device that lets me hear diseases.

Hearing cancer is great and all, but hearing AIDS sucks.

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A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

If I had to choose between a stepstool and a device that let's me get even higher...

...I'd take the ladder.


(I'll just leave now)

I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds.

I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

An old professor of Particle Physics and his assistant were having beers at a pub in London when the conversation drifted to the experiments with the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland.

The assistant mentioned one of the wonderous things the famous particle collider can do. "The Collider can accelerate protons," the assistant began.

The professor smiled and said, "Yes, I've seen it do that, personally."

Surprised and intrigued that his mentor had worked with ...

Measuring device.

The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer.

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Holding down the power button until my device turns off feels like strangling someone until they stop breathing.

Except I usually hope my device turns back on.

There was a problem with my AC device

It's all cool now though

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

What device does Mario use to communicate with the dead?

A Lou-ouija board.

Did anyone see Apple's new device targeted for women consumers?

Its called the MaxiPad

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

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An old Australian gynecologist was doing his rounds with a group of interns in tow.

As they were making their way between patients, one of the interns tapped the elderly doctor on the shoulder.

"Uh, doctor? I just thought I should tell you that you have an IUD behind your right ear."

The old doctor fumbled behind his ear and retrieved the offending device, scowle...

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

Three engineers were trying to make smarthome devices (from a friend)

Three engineers and a manager are sitting around some appliances to help make them smarthome compatible.

The first engineer turns his attention to the refrigerator, "We should connect this fridge to the internet and make it tell you when food is going bad, I will need an Intel i7 if we want t...

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HoverDildo™

A lady engineer working late one night at a robotics company suddenly got a million-dollar idea! She then gathered up some spare parts and got to work on her side-project.

The next day, she showed one of her colleagues what she had been working on - A high-tech sex toy she called the HoverDil...

Did you hear about the amazing new prosthetic device for paraplegics?

It's called a Vegetable Stand.

Once upon a time an alien race tried to invade Earth (OC)

Humans were at a loss to protect themselves, then The Doctor came and and protected Earth. Everyone asked, "Doctor Who?"

There was no answer. Humans moved on and named The Doctor, "Doctor Who".



Once again an Alien race tried to invade earth. Helpless earth chanted "Doctor Who...

Alliteration

A husband and wife were resting on a beach when they noticed a girl with a travel bag. She would approach people with boom boxes and other electronic devices and speak to them. Occasionally she would hand them something and walk off.


"She's probably selling drugs," said the woman.

...

Scientists have invented a new device called the hyperbole chamber.

It is the greatest and best thing ever since the dawn of civilization.

Apple is trying to market its new iPod to the lower demographic with a newly named device ...

... however they decided "iTouch Kids" was not a good name.

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I was in the gents restrooms at the urinals with my whacky inventor friend when he told me that he'd installed a voice activated device on his penis to combat his mild incontinence by controlling the flow of his pee.

I said "piss off!" and sure enough it stopped.

They tried to combine a networked hard drive with a device that brewed drinks...

It was NAS-tea

A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position.

Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper "Where am I?" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it. The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: " You're inside a helicopter ". The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Ev...

At the dinner table, mother shows the new lie detector she bought.

Mother: "Look, this device buzzes whenever it senses a lie"

Father: "Wow! Lets see! Hey son, what did you do today?"

Son: "Uhmm, I went to school."

*BUZZ*

Mother: "Ooh, you didn't go to class? Then what did you do?"

Son: "Alright, I watched a movie with a few frien...

I was having issues getting my phone audio to connect to my car stereo

So I changed the name of my device to "Titanic".

Now its syncing.

A monk walks into a data center

And says to the owner, "Great things will come to you if you allow me to store my R.E.A.P device here."
The owner, confused, asks what a R.E.A.P device is. The monk smiles and writes a little note to the man that states: "It doesn't matter what it is but you will get great karma for R.E.A.P Hosti...

Did you hear about that giant cooling device in Florida?

It was a Miami heat fan.

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What do you call a Jewish incendiary device?

A mazal tov cocktail

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