UPJOKE
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Device Jokes

Why couldn’t the beekeeper afford a GPS device?

Because honey can’t buy mappiness.
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I saw two kids damaging my front lawn with a network device.

So I modem down.
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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Hi, how much for this torture device?

Sir, that's a wedding ring.
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My wife keeps discharging all our electrical devices

I think it constitutes grounds for divorce
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If I caught a crime on an Apple device

Would that make me an iWitness?
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What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.
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A merchant told another "I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device."

"BaNaNa for scale?"
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I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets.

You might say it’s a “family air loom.”
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“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”
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The vacuum extractor is a device used in some childbirths.

It sucks for the baby.
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What do you call a device for opening sub-nucleonic particles?

A quarkscrew.
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Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
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I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.

It's made of asphalt.
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A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...
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My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant
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If you're looking at this with your device in your hands or lap

I guess the jokes on you
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What is a Bluetooth device's favorite kind of story?

A pairable
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Why Apple doesn't market their devices as PCs?

Because they are **not** **your personal computers**.
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If you’ve never seen a weathervane on the roof of a barn, it’s a device designed to tell the farmer the wind direction.

And very often, the top of it is a metal rooster (or a cock, if you prefer).

And do you know why they put a cock on a weathervane?

Because if they put a cunt up there, the wind would blow right through it.

*thanks to George Carlin*

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...
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What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.
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What type of device plays offensive music?

A stereo type
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I use my dick as a measuring device to distance myself 6 feet from others.

But first I have to fold it in half.

My seismic device has been stolen...

...The results could be earth-shattering
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This years most popular handheld device is...

the mobile phone, just beating last years favourite of the penis

I just came out with a new male contraceptive device...

It's a rock you stick in your shoe and it makes you limp.
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I finally decided to set up my VR device and watch some virtual porn.

Just as I was starting to enjoy it, my mom came in! I threw the headset off and tried to pretend nothing happened...

She'll be home any minute.

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Don't say ANYTHING about your sex life around any "smart" device like Siri, Alexa, television or refrigerator.

I made that mistake, and I'm now getting popup ads for vacuum cleaners, cat litter and oil changes at Jiffy Lube.

Measuring device.

The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer.
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I'm organizing a convention for a charity that develops and donates devices which provide audible alerts for deaf/mute individuals at their moment of orgasm.

We'll let you know who's coming.

They are working on a nuclear device in Hawaii

The Nukeulele
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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

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What do you call a device that predicts someone’s penis length?

A Cockulator

What operating system does Thanos' devices run on?

ThanOS
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Apple has released a new device. It's a little camera that sticks to urinals.

It's called the iCUP.
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A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device.

The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
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A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...
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I had to choose between climbing or using a runged device...

I chose the latter.
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I’m pretty indifferent about most literary devices...

...but I avoid similes like the plague.
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Why don't Bluetooth devices swim?

Because they're always trying to sync.

(My dad wrote this joke, just wanted to share it somewhere)
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Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.
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Dad invented a device which allows people to see through doors

He called them "windows"
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A pregnant woman is at the hospital with her husband, when they are asked if they'd like to try an experimental device.

The device transfers some of the pain of labour and contractions to the father, as a gesture of love and bonding between the couple. The two agree.


They hook up the man and the woman to the device, turn it on while the woman is having contractions, but nothing happens. Confused, they ti...
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What do you call the device that controls the bells in Norte Dame?

Quasi-modem
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Our smart devices are spying on us, and I have proof!

I used my smart camera to take a dick pic, and within an hour the algorithm started sending me targeted ads for army helmets and bean bag chairs.

A man walks into a strange new store and asks the owner, "How much for this torture device?"

The owner replies, "Sir, that's a wedding ring."
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Why did the soldier blow himself up when he found out about exploding devices

He wanted to C4 himself
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If you want to stay well connected, just take all your devices aboard the Titanic.

They'll sync really well...
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I used to have this amazing device that would lead me to the most delicious mushrooms

But now it seems i've lost my Morel Compass
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What do you call a ballistic device that only fires birds?

A catapoultry.
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They just invented a mobile computing device that also plays guitar

The "Eric Claptop"
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People dating are like Bluetooth devices

They're supposed to pair up and connect but it hardly ever works
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A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now without a doubt the number one hand held device!

Closely followed by the penis which is usually held in the other hand

What device did God use to communicate with millennials?

A tablet.

But not from Apple.
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What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.
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I used to work at a company that made tiny measuring devices.

It was a small scale operation
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I made a device that lets me hear diseases.

Hearing cancer is great and all, but hearing AIDS sucks.
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A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland

She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"


The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"


The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I thin...
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What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?

One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.

I invented a device to disrupt the watchmaking industry. I emailed a proposition to a French watchmaker. Their response?

Seiko Killer? Qu'est-ce que c'est?
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Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

Call me a luddite, but I feel the need to be vigilant about having too many connected devices.

Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.
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What happened to the device which made electricity?

It started misbehaving and was grounded.
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The Device Too Big To Fail

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”
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Have you heard about the device that automatically swaps out Xbox discs for you?

It's a game changer.
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NASA's Perseverance rover on Mars has successfully tested a device that can convert carbon dioxide (98% of Mar's atmosphere) into oxygen and carbon monoxide.

Sounds like a great idea, until all the Martians start dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.
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Scientists today combined a car with two domestic sweeping devices.

It goes broom broom.
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Different names for a Power On Self Test, when it goes wrong and smoke comes out of the device:

Power On Smoke Test

Power On (and) S#!T Trousers

Power Oh S#!T TURNITOFF
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A recent study shows that Samsung smartphones are now the most popular hand held device in the world.

For the first time, penis has slipped to Number 2.

What device does Mario use to communicate with the dead?

A Lou-ouija board.
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What do you call smart speakers that settle debates and create disagreements at the same time?

Decisive divisive devices!
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Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device.

You could say I killed two birds with one drone!
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What do you call a Jewish incendiary device?

A mazal tov cocktail

Did you hear about the new cooling device for the lower jaw of a south American rodent?

It's a chinchilla chin chiller.
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Did anyone see Apple's new device targeted for women consumers?

Its called the MaxiPad
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When they ban the device I use to suck my drink up into my mouth...

That will be the last straw.
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Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

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I know why Hogwarts doesn't have math class. They have a magical device for it.

It's called a calculator.

Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.
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Did you hear about the amazing new prosthetic device for paraplegics?

It's called a Vegetable Stand.
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Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...
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Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.
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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Did you hear about that giant cooling device in Florida?

It was a Miami heat fan.
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To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!
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Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss
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Scientists have invented a new device called the hyperbole chamber.

It is the greatest and best thing ever since the dawn of civilization.
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Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

Yeah it fits right in her mouth.
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Purchasing a rain barrel often leads to buying more water collecting devices

I guess you could say a rain barrel is a gateway jug.

(Modified from a story heard on NPR) : )
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What do you do when your Apple device gets warm?

Ask apple to open the backdoor.
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My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds.

I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"
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I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...

Banana for scale
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I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.
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The faithful soldier

One day an army general suspects that his platoon of 100 men are all having sex with his lovely wife. So one night he decides to see if he is right in his suspicions. While his wife is sleeping he gets up and puts in a anti cheat device inside of his wife’s private part. It’s in the shape of a tiny ...

Three engineers were trying to make smarthome devices (from a friend)

Three engineers and a manager are sitting around some appliances to help make them smarthome compatible.

The first engineer turns his attention to the refrigerator, "We should connect this fridge to the internet and make it tell you when food is going bad, I will need an Intel i7 if we want t...
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Holding down the power button until my device turns off feels like strangling someone until they stop breathing.

Except I usually hope my device turns back on.

A woman was about to go into labor...

when the doctor revealed a revolutionary new device that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father.

The woman's husband, being the nice, loyal guy he is, decided to man up and take some of the pain for his wife. The doctor started at 20%.
20% of the pain was transferred...
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So I went online and bought one of these devices that enlarge your penis

The bastards sent me a magnifying glass with a warning label:

"DO NOT USE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT"

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.
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Artificial Intelligence

My wife says I'm too paranoid about smart devices, and that I simply watched too many movies where machines turn against humanity.

The other day I told my wife a joke in the kitchen. She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed; I shot the toaster... good times.
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Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.

They’re calling it ‘Islam’.
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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

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