UPJOKE
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I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets.

You might say it’s a “family air loom.”

A merchant told another "I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device."

"BaNaNa for scale?"

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

The vacuum extractor is a device used in some childbirths.

It sucks for the baby.

- Good afternoon. How much is this torture device?

\-Sir, that's a wedding ring

See if you can guess which sub this got removed from:

I just traded a piece of fruit for a weight measuring device....

Banana for scale

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

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The knob - Long

A rich older woman had an addiction to plastic surgery and would go to her surgeons office regularly for little touchups here and there. One day she went in and asked about a full facelift. Her surgeon suggested, instead of getting the facelift, he could install the knob for her.

What's the k...

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

Russian police officer pulls over a man in Lada...

Russian police officer pulls over a man in Lada, who was swerving across the road. He asks: "Did you have anything to drink?"

"No," says the man.

The cop doesn't believe him and gives him a breathalyzer test. The man blows into the device and the result comes back negative. The police ...

What do you call a device for opening sub-nucleonic particles?

A quarkscrew.

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?”

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

Best labor EVER

The wife was going into labor and the contractions were getting pretty bad.

The doctor tell the couple that their is this new device that can transfer some or all the pain to the father if they wanted to try it.

The Husband agrees to 10% at first
Wife: Thank you baby just taking th...

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Don't say ANYTHING about your sex life around any "smart" device like Siri, Alexa, television or refrigerator.

I made that mistake, and I'm now getting popup ads for vacuum cleaners, cat litter and oil changes at Jiffy Lube.

If I caught a crime on an Apple device

Would that make me an iWitness?

What is a Bluetooth device's favorite kind of story?

A pairable

I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.

It's made of asphalt.

If you're looking at this with your device in your hands or lap

I guess the jokes on you

A pregnant woman is at the hospital with her husband, when they are asked if they'd like to try an experimental device.

The device transfers some of the pain of labour and contractions to the father, as a gesture of love and bonding between the couple. The two agree.


They hook up the man and the woman to the device, turn it on while the woman is having contractions, but nothing happens. Confused, they ti...

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

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People don't know how lucky they have it these days...

When I was younger and wanted to look at sexy pictures, I had to sneak the Sears catalogue into my bedroom to look at the underwear and swimsuit pages.

But nowadays... anyone can hop on any smart device and just go directly to sears dot com

Montana State Golfer Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on th...

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

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Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

Why Apple doesn't market their devices as PCs?

Because they are **not** **your personal computers**.

NASA's Perseverance rover on Mars has successfully tested a device that can convert carbon dioxide (98% of Mar's atmosphere) into oxygen and carbon monoxide.

Sounds like a great idea, until all the Martians start dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.

Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...

A man walks into a strange new store and asks the owner, "How much for this torture device?"

The owner replies, "Sir, that's a wedding ring."

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

I used to have this amazing device that would lead me to the most delicious mushrooms

But now it seems i've lost my Morel Compass

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

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Sonny Liston fights Muhammed Ali, takes a dive, loses and a few years later dies and goes to hell

He wakes up in hell and is greeted by the Devil holding a clipboard. The Devil puts him in a room with millions of small cardboard boxes full of small broken sticks with red tips.

"Liston, you have to spend all eternity repairing the contents of these boxes. We always give the new arrivals a ...

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A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now without a doubt the number one hand held device!

Closely followed by the penis which is usually held in the other hand

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

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What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?

One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

I invented a device to disrupt the watchmaking industry. I emailed a proposition to a French watchmaker. Their response?

Seiko Killer? Qu'est-ce que c'est?

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I finally decided to set up my VR device and watch some virtual porn.

Just as I was starting to enjoy it, my mom came in! I threw the headset off and tried to pretend nothing happened...

She'll be home any minute.

If duct taping a Matchbox Trans Am to one's ear and pretending it's a Bluetooth device is wrong, then maybe—

hang on... I've gotta take this.

Apple has released a new device. It's a little camera that sticks to urinals.

It's called the iCUP.

If you want to stay well connected, just take all your devices aboard the Titanic.

They'll sync really well...

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device.

The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Different names for a Power On Self Test, when it goes wrong and smoke comes out of the device:

Power On Smoke Test

Power On (and) S#!T Trousers

Power Oh S#!T TURNITOFF

Why did the soldier blow himself up when he found out about exploding devices

He wanted to C4 himself

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This years most popular handheld device is...

the mobile phone, just beating last years favourite of the penis

I just came out with a new male contraceptive device...

It's a rock you stick in your shoe and it makes you limp.

Call me a luddite, but I feel the need to be vigilant about having too many connected devices.

Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

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What do you call a device that predicts someone’s penis length?

A Cockulator

What's a pirate's favorite device to store data on ?

CD-RUM

What do you call the device that controls the bells in Norte Dame?

Quasi-modem

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A recent study shows that Samsung smartphones are now the most popular hand held device in the world.

For the first time, penis has slipped to Number 2.

Did you hear about the man who invented a device to see through walls?

He called it a window

What type of device plays offensive music?

A stereo type

Dad invented a device which allows people to see through doors

He called them "windows"

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Three attractive women are on a plane together: an Scottish woman named Nessa, a Latina named Rosita, and a black woman named Ladonna.

The plane is flying over the ocean when it suddenly crashes and falls into the ocean. The three women climb onto a floatation device.

Nessa takes off her clothes and puts on a green bikini from her carry-on bag. "I'm wearing my green bikini because it contrasts with the red of my hair, and we...

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My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

They are working on a nuclear device in Hawaii

The Nukeulele

I was hungry and low on potassium, He needed a device to help him weigh things, it seemed like a fair trade...

Banana for scale

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

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Our smart devices are spying on us, and I have proof!

I used my smart camera to take a dick pic, and within an hour the algorithm started sending me targeted ads for army helmets and bean bag chairs.

Did you hear about the new cooling device for the lower jaw of a south American rodent?

It's a chinchilla chin chiller.

My seismic device has been stolen...

...The results could be earth-shattering

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

I’m pretty indifferent about most literary devices...

...but I avoid similes like the plague.

What operating system does Thanos' devices run on?

ThanOS

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I know why Hogwarts doesn't have math class. They have a magical device for it.

It's called a calculator.

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

My girlfriend was setting up two factor authentication and it asked for her favorite mobile device.

Apparently "Hitachi wand" isn't a good choice.

I used to work at a company that made tiny measuring devices.

It was a small scale operation

Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

What do you call a ballistic device that only fires birds?

A catapoultry.

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While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

The Story of Chekhov's Gun

A man brought his date back to his apartment.

"And this is my apartment. Would you like some alcohols? My roommate, Chekhov, has a whole bunch of alcohols. He likes to buy them."

"No thanks," said the woman who was wearing a red scarf.

"He also has a gun that is usually right th...

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Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

Have you heard about the device that automatically swaps out Xbox discs for you?

It's a game changer.

What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?

A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

What device did God use to communicate with millennials?

A tablet.

But not from Apple.

Doctor, doctor every time I see inflatable flotation devices, I start to burn up.

Doc: I'm afraid you have dinghy fever.

I can't wait for smart devices and AI to rise up against us

It will be a Siri-an rebellion

When they ban the device I use to suck my drink up into my mouth...

That will be the last straw.

A 90 year old man walks into an electronic store and asked about two devices that had a difference in prices.

He was asked what was he going to use it for?

"Social media" He replied.

They would both work fine; if anything the nicer one might last a bit longer.

He said "Last longer? Man I'm 90. I don't even buy green bananas".

I've been calibrating my new device which measures the electric charge of subatomic particles by testing it on Protons

So far, the results have been positive.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

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As a single guy living alone, I get invited to dinners with family friends or my parents or friends parents places. When use the bathroom I notice that every one seems they have these toilet paper holders, like little stacks of 2 to 4 brand new toilet paper rolls in some form of stacking device.....

I think back to my place & financial situation making one Toilet roll last as long as possible, to ensure that I keep to my tight budget of living alone with a dead end job.

To me it’s like these toilet roll stacks in the bathroom feel almost like a ostentatious display of the people’s li...

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Holding down the power button until my device turns off feels like strangling someone until they stop breathing.

Except I usually hope my device turns back on.

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

Yeah it fits right in her mouth.

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device.

You could say I killed two birds with one drone!

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

I made a device that lets me hear diseases.

Hearing cancer is great and all, but hearing AIDS sucks.

Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.

Soviet era joke from my friend

A man walked into the Kremlin and told the receptionist: "I am a spy, I want to surrender to the Soviet government". The receptionist asked "Alright, what's your nationality?" "I'm American" the man replied. The receptionist checked his booklet and said "American spy, surrendering... Go to room 107....

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

People dating are like Bluetooth devices

They're supposed to pair up and connect but it hardly ever works

Why don't Bluetooth devices swim?

Because they're always trying to sync.

(My dad wrote this joke, just wanted to share it somewhere)

Purchasing a rain barrel often leads to buying more water collecting devices

I guess you could say a rain barrel is a gateway jug.

(Modified from a story heard on NPR) : )

Measuring device.

The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer.

Did you hear about the amazing new prosthetic device for paraplegics?

It's called a Vegetable Stand.

What device does Mario use to communicate with the dead?

A Lou-ouija board.

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I was in the gents restrooms at the urinals with my whacky inventor friend when he told me that he'd installed a voice activated device on his penis to combat his mild incontinence by controlling the flow of his pee.

I said "piss off!" and sure enough it stopped.

Did anyone see Apple's new device targeted for women consumers?

Its called the MaxiPad

A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position.

Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper "Where am I?" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it. The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: " You're inside a helicopter ". The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Ev...

Apple is trying to market its new iPod to the lower demographic with a newly named device ...

... however they decided "iTouch Kids" was not a good name.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

Scientists have invented a new device called the hyperbole chamber.

It is the greatest and best thing ever since the dawn of civilization.

I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds.

I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"

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What do you call a Jewish incendiary device?

A mazal tov cocktail

I have a friend who's a genius.

He could always tell just by looking at your car/phone/computer how long until your device starts acting up. His name's Warren. Warren T.

What happened to the device which made electricity?

It started misbehaving and was grounded.

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