I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument.

Dude: How do you like my harp costume, Bro?

Dude's Bro: Dude, that's actually to small to be a harp, man.

Dude: *gasp* Are you calling me a lyre?

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?

....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa

What rock group doesn't sing, play instruments or do concerts?

Mt. Rushmore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which instrument players are the sexiest?

Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex?

Trump-bone

I saw a new music shop in town that only services instruments made between the years 1600 and 1750.

"If It Ain't Baroque, Don't Fix It"

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?

A Trombone.

Nowadays there's too many musical instruments

It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments

She had a history of violins

What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument?

Qatar

The donkey once asked the Persian horse: "Do you play any instruments?" The horse replied:

"Ney"

What's a sheep's favourite musical instrument ?

A Ewekulele

What’s a rabbits least favorite instrument?

A snare drum

Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors

Are you with me shofar?

Did you hear about the time that all the musicians in the parade dropped their instruments and started rioting?

It was total bandemonium

My local news network recently featured two artisans from my town. One makes burlap sacs, and the other makes musical instruments.

They thought the viewers would be drawn in by all the sacs and violins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bar joke

Man walks into a bar with an octopus, bartender asks him to leave, man says "this is a special octopus and he can play any instrument in the world", bartender says "if thats true not only can you stay but your drinks are free". Man sits down and the bartender passes a flute, sure enough the octopus ...

My 7 year old just came up with these Avatar: The Last Airbender jokes. We were quite surprised.

What kind of music does Toph like?

- Rock-and-Roll


What kind of instrument does Aang play?

- Air guitar


I know it’s not much, but I got a kick out of his reasoning and decided to share.

Me: "What do I need to do to start a school?"

Person A: Well, for the Physics Department, you'd need to set up the lab equipments, instruments, apparatus and so on...

Person B: For the Chemistry Department, you'd need them chemical compounds, test tubes, all that stuff.

Person C: Oh, imagine setting up the Biology Department! Skel...

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele...

... then whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say “I play a little guitar”

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

A viola player goes into a music shop

The shop assistant asks what he would like and the viola player says "Well, I've been playing the viola for years and I'm getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don't know the first thing about music, so I'm thinking about taking up another instrument".

"Do y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

What's a botanist's favorite musical instrument?

A xylem phloem.

A man walks into his orchestra rehearsal...

carrying some corn on the cob as his instrument.

The conductor asks him “Will you need any sheet music?”

The man replies, “Nah, I’ll play it by ear.”

What is the favourite instrument of someone who never gets laid?

Incello.

Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry?

Because calcium helps build trombones

There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.


He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.


So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument?

If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!

(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument????

THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS

What adhesive can I use to fix my brass instrument?

A tuba glue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

A person needs to write a letter, but when he picks up an instrument to write with, he realizes

He can’t write with a guitar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran into the drummer from my old high school garage band...

After the usual "we should get the band back together" bullshit, we started talking about how life has been over all these years gone by.

I told him my wife (coincidentally, also a guitar player) and I have 6 happy and healthy kids now. And how, oh so cleverly, we named them after the common ...

Yoda is piloting a 747...

Radio tower: Flight 90 you seem to be veering away from your designated flight path. Stay on course. Over.

Yoda: Instrument panels, working not.

Radio tower: Flight 90, stay on course. Is everything okay? Over.

Yoda: Too many clouds, there are.

Radio tower: Flight 90. Ma...

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an octopus in a tank

The man says to the bartender “I bet my octopus can play any instrument. If I win, I get free drinks all night. What do you say?” The bartender agrees. “Take him over to the piano. We’ll see how good this octopus really is.” The man walks over to the piano, lets the octopus out of the tank, and the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk walks into a bar holding and octopus.

Drunk walks up to the bartender, places his octopus on the bar next to him and says, I’ll bet you this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him he’ll play it. Drinks free for me all night if I win. Bartender agrees; he hands the octopus a guitar, and he starts playing the gui...

What is the best instrument to keep as a pet?

A trumpet

What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth?

A lyre.

Carrying an instrument in public is like having a dog

Everyone wants to know what kind it is, and they think it’s really cool until it starts making noise

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

What do raspberries do when they play instruments

They have jam sessions.

A Texan is in London, and looking for Razor blades

“Y’all got any American razor blades in here ?” the Texan asked the English pharmacist.

“All I see are these stupid Wilkinsons.” 

“Sir,” the pharmacist patiently replied, “Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo.” 

...

Interesting Research

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

What kind of instrument can you make with a gherkin?

A piccolo.

What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument?

A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!!

He really had a good time be...

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

What is a skeleton's favorite wind instrument?

Nothing, because they don't have lungs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together?

[Banned]

Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences.

I find that harp to belive though.

So yeah you can do this joke with friends if you have any.

If your phone starts to ring, and you have a friend nearby say this:

Right before you take the call say to your friend, "Guess what instrument Dave plays."

Before they can respond take the call and say, "Cello."

Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments

Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will

What do you call a person who hurts instruments?

A sax offender

What is Vladimir Putin's favorite instrument to play?

A Trumpet!

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

What do you call an instigated collection of instruments?

An inclination of 1080p music

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An orca-stra.

What type of instrument does an English man play?

The UK-Lele

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments?

It became an a cappellago.

After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

What instrument does it sound like when two sheep bleat in unison?

The Two-baaa.

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

I don't trust Greek instruments.

They're mostly lyres.

Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous

Lyres, all of them

Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument?

Because it will always B flat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to go to the doctor's the other day, for a full examination.

While I was naked, he remarked how much my genitalia resembled a saxophone. I told him it was a family trait, we all had private parts that looked like musical instruments.


"Most remarkable" he mused, " I can't remember seeing anything like it in 30 years, apart from that one lady who's...

On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

Two medieval stringed instrumentals meet each other for the first time.

One asks the other, “what type of instrument are you? I’ve never seen one like you before?” The other replies “I’m a lute, lots of strings, fat and folded at the end that’s me. What about yourself, I haven’t seen an instrument like you before either?” The one replies “Oh, I’m a harp.” The other inst...

What's a fat kids favourite instrument?

The dinner bell

I used to play drums when I was little,

and I stopped after a couple years. But during my teenage years I forced myself to relearn the instrument just so I can show the world that I’m not afraid of repercussion

A pianist, a dancer and an alcoholic are attending a party

The doorman asks the pianist "what are you here for?", "I'm here to play music" and the doorman directs him to the instruments on stage.

The doorman asks the dancer "what are you here for?", "I'm here to get my groove on" and the doorman directs him to the dance floor.

The doorman asks...

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor...

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demandi...

What instruments should be featured in a rogue AI's music band?

Just Harmonika

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Copper instruments make the symphony sounds so much better than brass.

Copper is a much better conductor.

If a tire was a musical instrument...

would it immediately go flat when you go sharp?

What do you call someone who writes death metal instrumentals?

A decomposer

I was Christmas shopping the other day and I saw a brass band, with dribble underneath all of their instruments

Turns out it was the Salivation Army

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