When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore

I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument

I got band

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument.

Dude: How do you like my harp costume, Bro?

Dude's Bro: Dude, that's actually to small to be a harp, man.

Dude: *gasp* Are you calling me a lyre?

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'.

Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

What musical instrument is usually found in the bathroom?

Tuba Toothpaste

My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females.

I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

What was the favorite instrument of Stalin?

Re-Percussion!

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

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If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

Where does a zoophile go-to polish his instruments?

In his lab

Why do brass instruments have huge holes at the front of them?

So you can have sax with them.

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

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Which instrument players are the sexiest?

Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.

There's a new website that hosts videos of people playing brass instruments.

YouTuba.

Whats a Republicans favorite instrument?

A Trumpet

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

Nowadays there's too many musical instruments

It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?

....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

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To become a minstrel I had to buy dozens of chests, hoping to get a an instrument from one of them.

Fuck lute boxes.

Why did the woodwind player show off their instrument?

Because if you've got it, flaut it.

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What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex?

Trump-bone

I saw a new music shop in town that only services instruments made between the years 1600 and 1750.

"If It Ain't Baroque, Don't Fix It"

A musician walks in to a music store.

"I'm looking for an instrument that goes *ding*." he says.

"*Ding*?" asks the confused shopkeeper.

The musician replies "You'll do fine."

What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument?

Qatar

The donkey once asked the Persian horse: "Do you play any instruments?" The horse replied:

"Ney"

What's a sheep's favourite musical instrument ?

A Ewekulele

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,

"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."

Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...

Did you hear about the time that all the musicians in the parade dropped their instruments and started rioting?

It was total bandemonium

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

What do you call an ape who has a fondness for brass woodwind instruments?

A Saxquatch

Squidward finally snapped, and used his clarinet to stab Spongebob.

Killed him with A Sharp Instrument.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors

Are you with me shofar?

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

What's a botanist's favorite musical instrument?

A xylem phloem.

What did the pilot say while flying in clouds minutes before crashing into a mountain?

Psh, I don't need these instruments, I fly as I CFIT.

(CFIT: controlled flight into terrain - usually pronounced 'see fit')

What is the favourite instrument of someone who never gets laid?

Incello.

A composer, a chef, and a creative writer are interviewed how they find beauty in classical music.

The composer says, "I love how the notes harmonize on the octaves when they're played, no matter the scale; anytime I hear someone singing the fifth note, I get these fuzzy feelings inside."

The creative writer answers, "What I find fascinating about music in general is the story behind the ...

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry?

Because calcium helps build trombones

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

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What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument?

If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!

(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)

yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument????

THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

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What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

I Recently Married A Stringed Instrument

Her Name Is Amanda-Lynn

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

What instrument does a pumpkin play?

An a-gourd-ian.

(I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)

Carrying an instrument in public is like having a dog

Everyone wants to know what kind it is, and they think it’s really cool until it starts making noise

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[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

A person needs to write a letter, but when he picks up an instrument to write with, he realizes

He can’t write with a guitar

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A group of five park wardens decided to start a band together...

... They all agreed on playing music of a rock subgerne kind, mixed in with symphonic elements, fantasy based subject matter and strong choruses. However they could not agree on a specific aesthetic, as each one of them turned up for their first practice session with a different color scheme.
...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences.

I find that harp to belive though.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

What do raspberries do when they play instruments

They have jam sessions.

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

What is a skeleton's favorite wind instrument?

Nothing, because they don't have lungs.

What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth?

A lyre.

What is the best instrument to keep as a pet?

A trumpet

What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument?

A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them.

What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together?

[Banned]

What kind of instrument can you make with a gherkin?

A piccolo.

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

My grandpa left band because he was embarrassed to empty his spit out of his instrument...

He played guitar

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An orca-stra.

Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments

Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will

What do you call a person who hurts instruments?

A sax offender

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

A famous car designer...

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for ...

What do you call an instigated collection of instruments?

An inclination of 1080p music

What type of instrument does an English man play?

The UK-Lele

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

I don't trust Greek instruments.

They're mostly lyres.

On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments?

It became an a cappellago.

Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument?

Because it will always B flat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bar joke

Man walks into a bar with an octopus, bartender asks him to leave, man says "this is a special octopus and he can play any instrument in the world", bartender says "if thats true not only can you stay but your drinks are free". Man sits down and the bartender passes a flute, sure enough the octopus ...

Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous

Lyres, all of them

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