UPJOKE
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I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument

I got band

Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument.

Dude: How do you like my harp costume, Bro?

Dude's Bro: Dude, that's actually to small to be a harp, man.

Dude: *gasp* Are you calling me a lyre?

What instrument do fish play?

The bass guitar

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What do you call incels lying about their ability to play musical instruments to impress sexy e-girls?

A simp-phony

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

what is a fisherman's favorite musical instrument?

A bassinet

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments?

An orca-stra.

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An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“Yeah, I play a little guitar!"

What genre of music has no instruments or lyrics?

Deaf Metal

Two friends pooled money to buy an instrument

They're now in a same-sax relationship

What kind of instrument helps you catch fish?

Castanets

What’s a thief’s favorite instrument?

The lute. (Sorry, I’ll see myself out.)

A band was about to start a performance, when all of a sudden crazed lunatic rushed onstage, trashed all the instruments, tore everything apart, and ran off.

It was disconcerting.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

After hearing me sing, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

What kind of instrument does a British person play?

A UK-lele

What type of instrument do you find in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste

A director and composer are arguing about the score of a film

Composer: Is it really THAT important that there are no voices in any of the tracks?

Director: It's instrumental

Which instrument is the most dishonest?

A lyre

I know it's bad

What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument?

bag pipes

Sylvia was wheeled into the operating room.



The surgeon told the nurse, "Please prepare the instruments."

Sylvia glared at him and said, "Here I am at death's door and you want to play music?!?"

A joke as told to me verbatim by my 4yo son: What's a Skeleton's favorite instrument to play?

A TromBONE!
Haha, Get it, Daddy? Because skeletons are made out of *BONES!* HA HA HA!

Me: DOOT DOOT!!

What instrument do musically-inclined scientists play?

The Higgs-Bassoon.

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

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If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

What is the Pirate's favourite musical instrument?

A guit- ARGGHHH

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments.

**She had a history of violins.**

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

Line in heaven

A woman dies and finds herself in a line to get into heaven. As she nears St Peter she hears him asking people
"Please tell me how much money you made and what you did on earth"

Two people ahead if her she heard "I made 2 million a year and I was a CEO"

The person in front of her s...

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

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If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females.

I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".

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Which instrument players are the sexiest?

Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.

What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

Host: Which string instruments are commonly used in Latin music?

Guest: Violins?

Host: "Violins" is not the answer.

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

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What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex?

Trump-bone

Getting a hair dryer through customs

A young woman on a flight from England asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"


"Of course, my child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is...

What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument?

Qatar

There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

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To become a minstrel I had to buy dozens of chests, hoping to get a an instrument from one of them.

Fuck lute boxes.

Why did the woodwind player show off their instrument?

Because if you've got it, flaut it.

What do you call a pair of Australian instrument players?

a didgeriduet

Want to hear a joke about musical instruments?

I'm not hearing a pia-no...

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off their collection [Long]

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off the collection. They had a wide array of historical music instruments from as far back as the 16th century. The museum planned to arrange a concert with a harpsichord that belonged to Bach and a violin that belonged to Vivaldi, among many other instru...

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

What’s a rabbits least favorite instrument?

A snare drum

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument????

THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

I Recently Married A Stringed Instrument

Her Name Is Amanda-Lynn

What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?

....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

A mariachi band was in a car accident..

Unfortunately some of the instruments were damaged and the band members injured. Don’t worry, they made a maracaless recovery.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

What is the favourite instrument of someone who never gets laid?

Incello.

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'.

Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.

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What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument?

If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!

(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

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What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

What is Vladimir Putin's favorite instrument to play?

A Trumpet!

Useless

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an ...

Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry?

Because calcium helps build trombones

What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument?

A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them.

What kind of instrument can you make with a gherkin?

A piccolo.

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

What is the best instrument to keep as a pet?

A trumpet

Accordion to a scientific study released by the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia,

most people will not immediately notice if one of the words in a sentence has been replaced with a musical instrument until they've read more than three quarters of the way through it.

What instrument does it sound like when two sheep bleat in unison?

The Two-baaa.

Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?

He was baroque.

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Magical Octopus

There was once a Man who traveled with the local fair, portraying his Magical Octopus. One fair a little boy cam up and said "how is he magical?" the man replied with " he can sing and play any instrument" so the little boy handed over his harmonica to the octopus. The octopus glanced at it, picked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

I saw a new music shop in town that only services instruments made between the years 1600 and 1750.

"If It Ain't Baroque, Don't Fix It"

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

They asked me if I played a reed instrument,

but i’m illiterate

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

What is a skeleton's favorite wind instrument?

Nothing, because they don't have lungs.

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument?

Because it will always B flat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bandleader for a traveling music troupe decides to hold auditions one day

and encounters a man who claims that he's found a perfect new member for his troupe. To the bandleader's surprise, the man pulls an octopus from his bag, and explains that the octopus is a musical genius who can flawlessly play any instrument. Hoping to test the octopus, the bandleader hands it a gu...

There are only two instruments mentioned in the Bible

Trumpets and saxophones when they mention the "wailing of the damned"

What do you call an ape who has a fondness for brass woodwind instruments?

A Saxquatch

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