Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

Two medieval instruments are having a conversation

"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first.

"I'm a lute." Says the second.

"No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!"

The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

What instrument does a self absorbed person play?

Mekulele

Priest and his instrument.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid the...

What do you do with a brass musician, that can't play his instrument properly?

You give him 2 sticks, sit him at the back of the band and tell him, he's a percussionist now.

What if he can't do that either?

You take away one stick, sit him at the front and tell him he's the conductor now.

What do raspberries do when they play instruments

They have jam sessions.

What do you call an instigated collection of instruments?

An inclination of 1080p music

Carrying an instrument in public is like having a dog

Everyone wants to know what kind it is, and they think it’s really cool until it starts making noise

What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument?

A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together?

[Banned]

What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

Accordion to a study done by Stanford University, 9 out 10 people don’t notice when words are substituted for music instruments

hehe

I don't trust Greek instruments.

They're mostly lyres.

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments

Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will

What do you call a person who hurts instruments?

A sax offender

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

What type of instrument does an English man play?

The UK-Lele

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences.

I find that harp to belive though.

Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous

Lyres, all of them

They asked me if I played a reed instrument,

but i’m illiterate

The Ukelele is easily one of the easiest instruments to pick up.

They're very light!

Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument?

Because it will always B flat

I am like a woodwind instrument.

Blow me and I'll sing.

What is a dogs favorite instrument?

A trombone.

What is Vladimir Putin's favorite instrument to play?

A Trumpet!

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

Did you hear the government took all the musical instruments

They were band

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An Orca-stra.

On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

What instrument to introverts like the most?

Double basses, because they're very low-key.

What instrument does it sound like when two sheep bleat in unison?

The Two-baaa.

What instruments should be featured in a rogue AI's music band?

Just Harmonika

Copper instruments make the symphony sounds so much better than brass.

Copper is a much better conductor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know Bill Clinton can play two instruments?

The Saxophone and the whore Monica

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

Did you hear about the guy busted for smuggling brass instruments?

They charged him with sax trafficking.

What do you call a fake woodwind instrument?

A saxo-phoney!


kill me

What's Hillary Clinton's favourite musical instrument?

Harm Monica

Playing my instrument quietly

Is not my Forte

I was Christmas shopping the other day and I saw a brass band, with dribble underneath all of their instruments

Turns out it was the Salivation Army

What's an emo's favorite musical instrument?

The forearm violin.

What's a fat kids favourite instrument?

The dinner bell

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that plays 15 musical instruments?

Stump the Band

If a tire was a musical instrument...

would it immediately go flat when you go sharp?

Trump was asked what his favorite musical instrument is, and said "Trumpet."

He was asked what his favorite topic is, and said "Tropics."

He was asked what his favorite multiplier is, said "Triple."

He was asked what he favorite reason is, said "Treaso-...shut up."

What is Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's favourite instrument?

The cannon

What musical instrument do you get if you fill a 55-gallon drum with fish?

A bass drum.

I like musical instruments that you blow into. They're pretty...

*Breathtaking*

I'm planning on opening a store that sells string instruments for children.

I'm calling it 'Kiddie Fiddlers'.

I asked my priest which musical instruments he plays.

"Mostly just piano," he replied, "but when I'm at work I sometimes dabble with a little organ."

Hillary Lost Because She Sounded Like A Greek Instrument

Yeah, she definitely sounded like a lyre.

Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?

He was baroque.

A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments.

I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar.

I've always wondered why Rolf Harris never played any string instruments

But I guess he figured out other ways to finger a minor

You hear in his will Prince left a bunch of large musical instruments to churches?

Turns out he was *a big organ donor.*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that t...

What's the correct instrument for measuring how fat your mom is?

A size-mom-meter

What do you call a punk band that knows how to play their instruments?

A metal band

Sean Connery has been scouring Israel for ancient musical instruments.

When asked about his progress, he replied, "I've only found one shofar."

Why did the thief killed himself after getting caught stealing instruments from an orchestra?

He didn't have a safe Hayden place, and couldn't Handel the thought of being sent Bach to prison.

What do you call a musical instrument made of gelatin?

A jello!