UPJOKE
tooldeviceinstrumentationhurdy gurdyflutetrumpetviolinorganguitarpianosynthesizerlawwind instrumentcalliopewoodwind

Instrument Jokes

I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument

I got band

I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument.

Dude: How do you like my harp costume, Bro?

Dude's Bro: Dude, that's actually to small to be a harp, man.

Dude: *gasp* Are you calling me a lyre?

I can play every instrument.

However, I play all of them terribly.

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

What's the most boring instrument?

A dulcimer

What kind of instrument does a conman play?

The Lyre

what is a fisherman's favorite musical instrument?

A bassinet

What's Poseidon's favorite instrument?

The sea bass

My friend wants to be a famous jazz musician on his brass instrument but he never practices.

I told him his stage name could be “Rusty Trombone.”

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

What’s a thief’s favorite instrument?

The lute. (Sorry, I’ll see myself out.)

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the favourite musical instrument for a couple of fish?

The double bass. This joke was made up by my 7yo daughter on the way home from school.

What happened to the man who beat his wife with a musical instrument?

He was charged with domestic violins.

What instrument do fish play?

The bass guitar

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument?

bag pipes

Which instrument is the most dishonest?

A lyre

I know it's bad

Two friends pooled money to buy an instrument

They're now in a same-sax relationship

What kind of instrument helps you catch fish?

Castanets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says "I bet anyone $50 they can't bring me a musical instrument this octopus can't play."

People in the bar look around, talk amongst themselves, and someone brings up an acoustic guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tests the strings, tunes it, and begins playing a country song.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

I Recently Married A Stringed Instrument

Her Name Is Amanda-Lynn

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

What's a world famous, four-man rock group that doesn't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore.

What instrument do musically-inclined scientists play?

The Higgs-Bassoon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which instrument players are the sexiest?

Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument????

THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS

What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?

....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa

What type of instrument do you find in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

What genre of music has no instruments or lyrics?

Deaf Metal

What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument?

Qatar

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments?

An orca-stra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument?

If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!

(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

Why did the woodwind player show off their instrument?

Because if you've got it, flaut it.

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

A joke as told to me verbatim by my 4yo son: What's a Skeleton's favorite instrument to play?

A TromBONE!
Haha, Get it, Daddy? Because skeletons are made out of *BONES!* HA HA HA!

Me: DOOT DOOT!!

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females.

I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".

A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says “A hundred bucks says my octopus can play any instrument you give it!”

One man hands him an acoustic guitar. The octopus fiddles with the strings a bit, then strums out a rendition of Wonderwall.

A woman from the back hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus fiddles with the va...

How can you go fishing with a percussion instrument?

You castanet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call incels lying about their ability to play musical instruments to impress sexy e-girls?

A simp-phony

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

Host: Which string instruments are commonly used in Latin music?

Guest: Violins?

Host: "Violins" is not the answer.

Q:What is a skeleton's favourite instrument ?

A:The tromBONE

What is the favourite instrument of someone who never gets laid?

Incello.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex?

Trump-bone

What is the best instrument to keep as a pet?

A trumpet

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

What is a skeleton's favorite wind instrument?

Nothing, because they don't have lungs.

Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry?

Because calcium helps build trombones

What kind of instrument can you make with a gherkin?

A piccolo.

If a tire was a musical instrument...

would it immediately go flat when you go sharp?

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

They asked me if I played a reed instrument,

but i’m illiterate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

A very distinguished lady was on a plane

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remov...

Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?

He was baroque.

What is Putin's favorite instrument to play?

Trump/Pence

What is Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's favourite instrument?

The cannon

After listening to me sing, my high school music teacher said that I should be tenor…

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

Where does a zoophile go-to polish his instruments?

In his lab

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.