I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

What's a botanist's favorite musical instrument?

A xylem phloem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

What is the Pirate's favourite musical instrument?

A guit- ARGGHHH

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

I Recently Married A Stringed Instrument

Her Name Is Amanda-Lynn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

Two medieval instruments are having a conversation

"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first.

"I'm a lute." Says the second.

"No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!"

The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument?

If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!

(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)

yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument????

THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS

What adhesive can I use to fix my brass instrument?

A tuba glue

Why is calcium vital in the brass instruments manufacturing industry?

because calcium helps build trombones.

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

What kind of instrument can you make with a gherkin?

A piccolo.

Carrying an instrument in public is like having a dog

Everyone wants to know what kind it is, and they think it’s really cool until it starts making noise

What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth?

A lyre.

What do raspberries do when they play instruments

They have jam sessions.

I was carrying my ukulele around in its case and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?"

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

What instrument does a self absorbed person play?

Mekulele

Priest and his instrument.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid the...

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument?

A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them.

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

What do you do with a brass musician, that can't play his instrument properly?

You give him 2 sticks, sit him at the back of the band and tell him, he's a percussionist now.

What if he can't do that either?

You take away one stick, sit him at the front and tell him he's the conductor now.

What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together?

[Banned]

What do you call an instigated collection of instruments?

An inclination of 1080p music

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

Q:What is a skeleton's favourite instrument ?

A:The tromBONE

Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments

Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences.

I find that harp to belive though.

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

What type of instrument does an English man play?

The UK-Lele

What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments?

It became an a cappellago.

Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous

Lyres, all of them

They asked me if I played a reed instrument,

but i’m illiterate

What do you call a person who hurts instruments?

A sax offender

I don't trust Greek instruments.

They're mostly lyres.

What instrument does it sound like when two sheep bleat in unison?

The Two-baaa.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An orca-stra.

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

What instrument to introverts like the most?

Double basses, because they're very low-key.

Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument?

Because it will always B flat

What instruments should be featured in a rogue AI's music band?

Just Harmonika

Copper instruments make the symphony sounds so much better than brass.

Copper is a much better conductor.

Did you hear about the guy busted for smuggling brass instruments?

They charged him with sax trafficking.

If a tire was a musical instrument...

would it immediately go flat when you go sharp?

I was Christmas shopping the other day and I saw a brass band, with dribble underneath all of their instruments

Turns out it was the Salivation Army

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the rower say to his glute-strengthening apparatus after he found his missing rowing instrument?

Butt weight, there's m'oar!

What's a fat kids favourite instrument?

The dinner bell

I asked my priest which musical instruments he plays.

"Mostly just piano," he replied, "but when I'm at work I sometimes dabble with a little organ."

I like musical instruments that you blow into. They're pretty...

*Breathtaking*

Trump was asked what his favorite musical instrument is, and said "Trumpet."

He was asked what his favorite topic is, and said "Tropics."

He was asked what his favorite multiplier is, said "Triple."

He was asked what he favorite reason is, said "Treaso-...shut up."

What musical instrument do you get if you fill a 55-gallon drum with fish?

A bass drum.

I'm planning on opening a store that sells string instruments for children.

I'm calling it 'Kiddie Fiddlers'.

What is Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's favourite instrument?

The cannon

Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?

He was baroque.

I've always wondered why Rolf Harris never played any string instruments

But I guess he figured out other ways to finger a minor

A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments.

I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar.

What's the correct instrument for measuring how fat your mom is?

A size-mom-meter

What do you call a punk band that knows how to play their instruments?

A metal band

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