What is the Pirate's favourite musical instrument?


When I got home my entire house was filled with stringed instruments so I called 911.

The police said it was the worst case of Domestic Violins they had ever seen.

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

What is the best instrument to keep as a pet?

A trumpet

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

Two medieval instruments are having a conversation

"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first.

"I'm a lute." Says the second.

"No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!"

The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"

Why is calcium vital in the brass instruments manufacturing industry?

because calcium helps build trombones.

What adhesive can I use to fix my brass instrument?

A tuba glue

Joe walked into a guitar shop looking to steal an instrument, hoping to go unnoticed.

Having run into problems with Joe in the past, the manager followed him and caught Joe trying to steal.

He grabbed him in the act and said, “I’m giving you a ban, Joe!”

To which Joe replied, “Awesome! I love banjos!”

yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument????


What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth?

A lyre.

What instruments do the most bloodthirsty people play?

Harm-onica and violint.

Carrying an instrument in public is like having a dog

Everyone wants to know what kind it is, and they think it’s really cool until it starts making noise

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

What kind of instrument can you make with a gherkin?

A piccolo.

I was carrying my ukulele around in its case and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?"

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

What instrument does a self absorbed person play?


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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

What do raspberries do when they play instruments

They have jam sessions.

Priest and his instrument.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid the...

What’s the most commonly stolen musical instrument?

A piano. People are always leaving the keys in them.

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

What do you call an instigated collection of instruments?

An inclination of 1080p music

What do you do with a brass musician, that can't play his instrument properly?

You give him 2 sticks, sit him at the back of the band and tell him, he's a percussionist now.

What if he can't do that either?

You take away one stick, sit him at the front and tell him he's the conductor now.

What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together?


Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

Accordion to a study done by Stanford University, 9 out 10 people don’t notice when words are substituted for music instruments


People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

Q:What is a skeleton's favourite instrument ?

A:The tromBONE

Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments

Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will

What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

What do you call a person who hurts instruments?

A sax offender

Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences.

I find that harp to belive though.

I don't trust Greek instruments.

They're mostly lyres.

What type of instrument does an English man play?

The UK-Lele

What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments?

It became an a cappellago.

Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous

Lyres, all of them

What instrument does it sound like when two sheep bleat in unison?

The Two-baaa.

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument?

Because it will always B flat

I am like a woodwind instrument.

Blow me and I'll sing.

On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

They asked me if I played a reed instrument,

but i’m illiterate

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An orca-stra.

The Ukelele is easily one of the easiest instruments to pick up.

They're very light!

What instruments should be featured in a rogue AI's music band?

Just Harmonika

What instrument to introverts like the most?

Double basses, because they're very low-key.

Copper instruments make the symphony sounds so much better than brass.

Copper is a much better conductor.

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Did you know Bill Clinton can play two instruments?

The Saxophone and the whore Monica

Did you hear about the guy busted for smuggling brass instruments?

They charged him with sax trafficking.

If a tire was a musical instrument...

would it immediately go flat when you go sharp?

Playing my instrument quietly

Is not my Forte

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

A man named Joseph invented a new instrument. He played it for his local church...

The pastor didn't like the sound of his instrument. The piano player said it sounded like the Devil himself speaking lies. There was a special meeting, and after only five minutes of discussion, they decided that not only did they disapprove of the instrument, but they also disapproved of Joseph. So...

I was Christmas shopping the other day and I saw a brass band, with dribble underneath all of their instruments

Turns out it was the Salivation Army

What's an emo's favorite musical instrument?

The forearm violin.

What's a fat kids favourite instrument?

The dinner bell

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

What is Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's favourite instrument?

The cannon

Trump was asked what his favorite musical instrument is, and said "Trumpet."

He was asked what his favorite topic is, and said "Tropics."

He was asked what his favorite multiplier is, said "Triple."

He was asked what he favorite reason is, said "Treaso-...shut up."

I've always wondered why Rolf Harris never played any string instruments

But I guess he figured out other ways to finger a minor

I like musical instruments that you blow into. They're pretty...


I'm planning on opening a store that sells string instruments for children.

I'm calling it 'Kiddie Fiddlers'.

I asked my priest which musical instruments he plays.

"Mostly just piano," he replied, "but when I'm at work I sometimes dabble with a little organ."

Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?

He was baroque.

What musical instrument do you get if you fill a 55-gallon drum with fish?

A bass drum.

A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments.

I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar.

What's the correct instrument for measuring how fat your mom is?

A size-mom-meter

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A man wants to invent a musical instrument.

He works day and night tinkering until it is finally done. He is filled with joy and when he begins to play it he hears a light 'dink' sound from the instrument. The man is impressed with his work and tries to come up with a name for his creation. 'I know! I will call it the Doowop™.' He chooses thi...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:


And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

What do you call a punk band that knows how to play their instruments?

A metal band

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