I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

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If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument.

Dude: How do you like my harp costume, Bro?

Dude's Bro: Dude, that's actually to small to be a harp, man.

Dude: *gasp* Are you calling me a lyre?

Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors

Are you with me shofar?

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments

She had a history of violins

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

What do you call a homeless woodwind instrument?

a hoboe

What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?

....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa

A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.


He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.


So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

John asks George "What's a dog's favorite instrument?

George: idk trombone?
John: oh I was gonna say obone but yours is better.

What is the Pirate's favourite musical instrument?

A guit- ARGGHHH

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

My local news network recently featured two artisans from my town. One makes burlap sacs, and the other makes musical instruments.

They thought the viewers would be drawn in by all the sacs and violins.

Did you hear about the time that all the musicians in the parade dropped their instruments and started rioting?

It was total bandemonium

What's a botanist's favorite musical instrument?

A xylem phloem.

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[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

What is the favourite instrument of someone who never gets laid?

Incello.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

What’s a furry‘s favorite instrument?

The owo

What instrument does a pumpkin play?

An a-gourd-ian.

(I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument?

If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!

(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

A person needs to write a letter, but when he picks up an instrument to write with, he realizes

He can’t write with a guitar

Survey says

Accordian to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.

Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry?

Because calcium helps build trombones

I Recently Married A Stringed Instrument

Her Name Is Amanda-Lynn

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument????

THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS

What adhesive can I use to fix my brass instrument?

A tuba glue

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

Carrying an instrument in public is like having a dog

Everyone wants to know what kind it is, and they think it’s really cool until it starts making noise

Interesting Research

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

What is the best instrument to keep as a pet?

A trumpet

What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth?

A lyre.

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

What do raspberries do when they play instruments

They have jam sessions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to go to the doctor's the other day, for a full examination.

While I was naked, he remarked how much my genitalia resembled a saxophone. I told him it was a family trait, we all had private parts that looked like musical instruments.


"Most remarkable" he mused, " I can't remember seeing anything like it in 30 years, apart from that one lady who's...

What instruments do the most bloodthirsty people play?

Harm-onica and violint.

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

What is a skeleton's favorite wind instrument?

Nothing, because they don't have lungs.

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

What kind of instrument can you make with a gherkin?

A piccolo.

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

A pianist, a dancer and an alcoholic are attending a party

The doorman asks the pianist "what are you here for?", "I'm here to play music" and the doorman directs him to the instruments on stage.

The doorman asks the dancer "what are you here for?", "I'm here to get my groove on" and the doorman directs him to the dance floor.

The doorman asks...

What do you do with a brass musician, that can't play his instrument properly?

You give him 2 sticks, sit him at the back of the band and tell him, he's a percussionist now.

What if he can't do that either?

You take away one stick, sit him at the front and tell him he's the conductor now.

After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor...

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demandi...

Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences.

I find that harp to belive though.

Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments

Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will

What do you call an instigated collection of instruments?

An inclination of 1080p music

What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together?

[Banned]

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

I used to play drums when I was little,

and I stopped after a couple years. But during my teenage years I forced myself to relearn the instrument just so I can show the world that I’m not afraid of repercussion

Q:What is a skeleton's favourite instrument ?

A:The tromBONE

What do calculators and country music have in common?

Both are produced by Texas instruments.

A drunk man walks into a music store...

...and slurs: "I want to buy the trumpet and the accordion there".
The seller replies: "Sorry, I'm not selling those".

The drunk man starts grunting and leaves the store.
The next day he comes back and says: I want to buy the instruments there!
The seller reacts annoyed: Not. for. sa...

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

What type of instrument does an English man play?

The UK-Lele

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An orca-stra.

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

What instrument does it sound like when two sheep bleat in unison?

The Two-baaa.

What do you call a person who hurts instruments?

A sax offender

What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments?

It became an a cappellago.

Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous

Lyres, all of them

I don't trust Greek instruments.

They're mostly lyres.

They asked me if I played a reed instrument,

but i’m illiterate

Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument?

Because it will always B flat

Two medieval stringed instrumentals meet each other for the first time.

One asks the other, “what type of instrument are you? I’ve never seen one like you before?” The other replies “I’m a lute, lots of strings, fat and folded at the end that’s me. What about yourself, I haven’t seen an instrument like you before either?” The one replies “Oh, I’m a harp.” The other inst...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Count your days of blessing!

The monkey wife is tired of her husband's aggressive sex drive and so she prays to God for help. God appears and asks what can He do for her.
"Well, take his penis away for a month!", she goes. God tells her that that won't be fair to the monkey alone. "So take the dicks of all the animals for a...

On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient was nervous

When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped into patient's throat

Dentist: Sorry, you are outside my specialty now, you should see laryngologist (throat specialist)

By the time patient went to laryngologist, tooth had worked its ...

And for my next trick...

I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap!

Drum roll please.

What's a fat kids favourite instrument?

The dinner bell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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Copper instruments make the symphony sounds so much better than brass.

Copper is a much better conductor.

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

What do you call someone who writes death metal instrumentals?

A decomposer

If a tire was a musical instrument...

would it immediately go flat when you go sharp?

What instruments should be featured in a rogue AI's music band?

Just Harmonika

I was Christmas shopping the other day and I saw a brass band, with dribble underneath all of their instruments

Turns out it was the Salivation Army

What happened when the musician gave all the soldiers instruments instead of guns?

There was no war, just alot of violins

Trump was asked what his favorite musical instrument is, and said "Trumpet."

He was asked what his favorite topic is, and said "Tropics."

He was asked what his favorite multiplier is, said "Triple."

He was asked what he favorite reason is, said "Treaso-...shut up."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the rower say to his glute-strengthening apparatus after he found his missing rowing instrument?

Butt weight, there's m'oar!

I like musical instruments that you blow into. They're pretty...

*Breathtaking*

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

What is Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's favourite instrument?

The cannon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

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