I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument

I got band

What instrument does a pirate play?

A guit-arrrgh

What kind of instrument does a British person play?

A UK-lele

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

What instrument do fish play?

Sea bass

What’s a thief’s favorite instrument?

The lute. (Sorry, I’ll see myself out.)

A pilot crash lands on an uncharted island

He awakens bound by natives, and is dragged to a clearing in front of the tribe. Next to him is a large tree-stump and an absolutely massive native.

The natives are are cheering and hooting wildly, until the chieftain holds up his hand, bringing instant silence and rapt attention.

He b...

Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument.

Dude: How do you like my harp costume, Bro?

Dude's Bro: Dude, that's actually to small to be a harp, man.

Dude: *gasp* Are you calling me a lyre?

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments.

**She had a history of violins.**

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

What kind of instrument helps you catch fish?

Castanets

Which instrument is the most dishonest?

A lyre

I know it's bad

Two friends pooled money to buy an instrument

They're now in a same-sax relationship

What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument?

bag pipes

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

A joke as told to me verbatim by my 4yo son: What's a Skeleton's favorite instrument to play?

A TromBONE!
Haha, Get it, Daddy? Because skeletons are made out of *BONES!* HA HA HA!

Me: DOOT DOOT!!

What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

What type of instrument do you find in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste

LongAn attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

What instrument do musically-inclined scientists play?

The Higgs-Bassoon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

Accordion to a scientific study released by the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia,

most people will not immediately notice if one of the words in a sentence has been replaced with a musical instrument until they've read more than three quarters of the way through it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

Want to hear a joke about musical instruments?

I'm not hearing a pia-no...

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'.

Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.

My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females.

I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

Accordion to a recent study...

Replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected,

Nowadays there's too many musical instruments

It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which instrument players are the sexiest?

Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.

Why do brass instruments have huge holes at the front of them?

So you can have sax with them.

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex?

Trump-bone

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?

....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

I saw a new music shop in town that only services instruments made between the years 1600 and 1750.

"If It Ain't Baroque, Don't Fix It"

There are only two instruments mentioned in the Bible

Trumpets and saxophones when they mention the "wailing of the damned"

What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument?

Qatar

The donkey once asked the Persian horse: "Do you play any instruments?" The horse replied:

"Ney"

How much was Texas Instruments fined when they were caught offering free breast augmentation procedures to employees?

$5,318,008

There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

Did you hear about the time that all the musicians in the parade dropped their instruments and started rioting?

It was total bandemonium

What do you call an ape who has a fondness for brass woodwind instruments?

A Saxquatch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To become a minstrel I had to buy dozens of chests, hoping to get a an instrument from one of them.

Fuck lute boxes.

Why did the woodwind player show off their instrument?

Because if you've got it, flaut it.

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

german, the language of poets and thinkers

german, the language of poets and thinkers.
also german:

A: we need some new words for all this stuff.

B: okay, what's the first one doing?

A: it's a vehicle that flies.

B: okay. flyingstuff.

A: wow, awesome! okay, the next one is a vehicle that drives.

B...

A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument????

THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument?

If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!

(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)

I Recently Married A Stringed Instrument

Her Name Is Amanda-Lynn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

An ovary walks up to another ovary and says...

"Hey, did you order an instrument from some crazy people?"

"No I didn't," says the ovary.

The first one replies: "Well there's two nuts outside trying to move an organ in!"

What is the favourite instrument of someone who never gets laid?

Incello.

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

Accordion to studies, its very easy to hide musical instruments in every day sentences.

I find that harp to belive though.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry?

Because calcium helps build trombones

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

What instrument does a pumpkin play?

An a-gourd-ian.

(I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

What do raspberries do when they play instruments

They have jam sessions.

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

Me and a couple of friends once played 'Message in a bottle' on the street on self made instruments and old metal bins for drums.

But then The Police came.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

What is Vladimir Putin's favorite instrument to play?

A Trumpet!

What do you call it when four moderators play musical instruments together?

[Banned]

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An orca-stra.

What kind of instrument can you make with a gherkin?

A piccolo.

What do you call an instrument that doesn’t tell the truth?

A lyre.

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

What do you call a person who hurts instruments?

A sax offender

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a bowel problem one day and goes to see his proctologist.

"What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor

"Well, ever since the Packers got that bad ref call during yesterday's game, my gut has been acting up"

"Bad ref call?" Replied the doctor, while preparing his instruments. "I was watching that game too, but it didn't look bad at all!"<...

Q:What is a skeleton's favourite instrument ?

A:The tromBONE

A man named Joseph invented a new instrument. He played it for his local church...

The pastor didn't like the sound of his instrument. The piano player said it sounded like the Devil himself speaking lies. There was a special meeting, and after only five minutes of discussion, they decided that not only did they disapprove of the instrument, but they also disapproved of Joseph. So...

On the last day of music class, students were told not to bring their instruments.

The choir kids had a hard time

What is a skeleton's favorite wind instrument?

Nothing, because they don't have lungs.

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