The 89+ Best Instrument Jokes

I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument

I got band

I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument.

Dude: How do you like my harp costume, Bro?

Dude's Bro: Dude, that's actually to small to be a harp, man.

Dude: *gasp* Are you calling me a lyre?

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender

What happened to the man who beat his wife with a musical instrument?

He was charged with domestic violins.

What kind of instrument would a plant play?

A photosynthesizer.

what is a fisherman's favorite musical instrument?

A bassinet

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

What's the most boring instrument?

A dulcimer

My friend wants to be a famous jazz musician on his brass instrument but he never practices.

I told him his stage name could be “Rusty Trombone.”

What is a plants favorite instrument?

A photo-synth-esizer

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

What's Poseidon's favorite instrument?

The sea bass

What's a world famous, four-man rock group that doesn't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore.

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the favourite musical instrument for a couple of fish?

The double bass. This joke was made up by my 7yo daughter on the way home from school.

What instrument do fish play?

The bass guitar

Two friends pooled money to buy an instrument

They're now in a same-sax relationship

What’s a thief’s favorite instrument?

The lute. (Sorry, I’ll see myself out.)

What kind of instrument helps you catch fish?

Castanets

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Read it slowly.

What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument?

bag pipes

Which instrument is the most dishonest?

A lyre

I know it's bad

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call incels lying about their ability to play musical instruments to impress sexy e-girls?

A simp-phony

What type of instrument do you find in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

A joke as told to me verbatim by my 4yo son: What's a Skeleton's favorite instrument to play?

A TromBONE!
Haha, Get it, Daddy? Because skeletons are made out of *BONES!* HA HA HA!

Me: DOOT DOOT!!

What instrument do musically-inclined scientists play?

The Higgs-Bassoon.

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments?

An orca-stra.

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

What is the Pirate's favourite musical instrument?

A guit- ARGGHHH

What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?

....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females.

I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which instrument players are the sexiest?

Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.

A band was about to start a performance, when all of a sudden crazed lunatic rushed onstage, trashed all the instruments, tore everything apart, and ran off.

It was disconcerting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex?

Trump-bone

There’s a girl who can play a wooden instrument developed by Indigenous Australians.

I dig her, I do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!

*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To become a minstrel I had to buy dozens of chests, hoping to get a an instrument from one of them.

Fuck lute boxes.

Why did the woodwind player show off their instrument?

Because if you've got it, flaut it.

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

What is a middle easterner's favorite instrument?

Qatar

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

yo whats bill clintons favorite musical instrument????

THE HARM MONICA, FOLKS

A very distinguished lady was on a plane

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remov...

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

What is the favourite instrument of someone who never gets laid?

Incello.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument?

If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!

(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

Host: Which string instruments are commonly used in Latin music?

Guest: Violins?

Host: "Violins" is not the answer.

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man with a 25 inch penis.

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothin...

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

Why is calcium vital in the brass instrument manufacturing industry?

Because calcium helps build trombones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

What is the best instrument to keep as a pet?

A trumpet

Want to hear a joke about musical instruments?

I'm not hearing a pia-no...

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

What kind of instrument can you make with a gherkin?

A piccolo.

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

What instrument does it sound like when two sheep bleat in unison?

The Two-baaa.

A musician specializing in bowed string instruments who has a boring play style could be called 'a dull fiddler'.

Which is not so bad until you read it out loud.

Q:What is a skeleton's favourite instrument ?

A:The tromBONE

They asked me if I played a reed instrument,

but i’m illiterate

Due to the overwhelming backlash, I'm forced to cancel my planned medieval instrument packaging simulator.

Players just don't want lute boxes.

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?

He was baroque.

What is a skeleton's favorite wind instrument?

Nothing, because they don't have lungs.

Why should you never trust an A# to play an instrument?

Because it will always B flat

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

Where does a zoophile go-to polish his instruments?

In his lab

If a tire was a musical instrument...

would it immediately go flat when you go sharp?

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