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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob

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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

In the USA you can bear arms

In mother Russia we arm bears

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.

In a pile of leaves?

Russell.

In a hole?

Doug.

On a wall?

Art.

At your front door?

Matt.

Two armless legless men in front of your window?

Kurt and Rod.

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I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”

The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette a...

I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer.

What do you cal two guys with no arms and no legs on either side of a window?

Kurt n’ Rod

What did the boy with no arms get for his birthday

I don’t know he hasn’t opened it yet

What has nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

What did the handicapped person say about his prosthetic arms?

These come in handy.

What has 18 arms, 11 legs and 34 hands?

A liar.

A man is driving down the road when he sees someone on the side of the road with three eyes, no arms and one leg ...

He pulls over and says, eye, eye eye, you look armless, hop in.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call them, they’re still not going to come

If you have an insubordinate servant, break his left arm.

Then he'll serve you right.

I just got an idea to get "i trust no one" tattoo on my arm

But I don't think any tattoo artist would do it properly

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?

No? Well, she is all right now.

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I walked up to a girl with no arms or legs at the beach, she was crying.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "I have never been hugged before".

So I crouched down and gave her a hug, she was still crying so I asked why she was still crying.

"I have never been kissed before", she said. So I leaned in and gave her a big ol' kiss.

She was STILL...

Startup idea: A robotic arm that automatically swaps out your NES cartridges for you.

Sure, you say it's a ludicrous idea, that it wouldn't have worked even if it was 30 years ago, the market doesn't exist, it's doomed to fail, etc.

​

But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a game changer.

What do you call it when two men without arms get into a fight?

Unarmed combat

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs?

He would have trouble working with the four casts.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sitting in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

It really hit me today that I could die at any minute. Literally any second of the day could be my last. I dont want to die sad. If I can truly and deeply love myself I won’t die alone, I’ll die but in the arms of the one I love.

Cashier: This card was declined too, sir...

Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"

The hunchback runs and jumps at the b...

What's the best thing about screwing someone with no arms and legs?

You can use them as a pillow when you have finished and they can't fight back.

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austr...

A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.

The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.

What do you call a girl on the arm of a banio player?

A tattoo.

A man shows up for work with his arm in a cast.

“What happened to you?” his assistant asks.

“I broke my arm in two places yesterday.”

“Man, that sucks,” says his assistant. “It would probably be a good idea to avoid those two places from now on.”

What does an Italian have if he’s born with one arm shorter than the other ?

A speech impediment.

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store

I was like "You're not going to find what you're looking for"

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms

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I just flew in, and boy are my arms tired...

Yeah, I masturbated the whole flight here!

Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.

I told her she won’t find what she’s looking for.

Guy comes home from the bar with a duck under his arm

His wife asks "Where the hell have you been?" and the guy says "This is the pig I've been screwin'" Wife says "That's not a pig you drunk!", guy says "I wasn't talking to you"

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3 guys are in a bar. First guy says, "Guys you know, my arms are really small.

I think I might have the world's tiniest arms." Second guy says, "That's weird, I reckon my head is like, the smallest head". The third guy goes "Guys, my dick is really small actually, I might just have the tiniest dick" The first man says "Do you know what guys, we should go down to the Guinness w...

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A guy loses his right arm and he's considering to take his life

He walks by the subway station waiting for the moment when the train arrives to the station to make a leap of faith into the train rails.

When the train is about to arrive he sees a guy without both of his arms coming down from the stairs, dancing jumping and spinning around.

He appro...

What has four legs and one arm?

A pitbull returning from a kids playground

What do you call a guy walking down the middle of the street in Alabama with sheep under his arms?

A Pimp!

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It always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm...

...but apparently, I ruined that funeral

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm

The bartender says, "Hey! Get that pig out of here!"
The lady scoffs and tells the bartender, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck." To which the bartender replies, "I was talkin' to the duck!"

What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?

Partial arts

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.

The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot He...

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A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm...

A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm.



He loudly proclaims, "This is the pig I used to fuck."



The wife says, "That's not a pig, it's a lamb."



The man replies, "I wasn't speaking to you."

A mime in my town was arrested yesterday for getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.

But he still has the right to remain silent.

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever h...

What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs and an eye patch?

Names

What has broken arms, broken legs and is on the bottom of a river?

People who tell jokes about the Mafia.

A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.

“It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.”

“Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?”

“Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking,...

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great ...

A man arrives at the front door of a brothel, a woman answers and notices the man has no arms or legs. The woman says "what are we supposed to do with you?"

The man replies "I rang the doorbell didn't I?!"

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A woman with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach sobbing.

A man walks by and asks “why are you crying?”

Woman: Well... I’m crying because I have no arms or legs and I’ve never been hugged before..

Man: That’s terrible! I’ll give you a hug.

He gives her a hug an...

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The girl with no arms or legs at the beach

A guy was with his buddies on the beach, and went back to his cooler to get a beer. On the way he saw a girl with no arms or legs crying, when he asked why, she said “I’ve never been hugged”. The gentleman hugged her, then grabbed his beer and went back to his friends. When his beer ran out, he went...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

A friend of mine has a butler whose left arm is missing.

Serves him right

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A man walks into a bedroom with a sheep under his arm

And on the bed is a lady. The man says, “This is the pig I have sex with when I’m not having sex with you”, to which the woman says, “That’s a sheep, not a pig.”

The man says, “Shut up, I’m not talking to you.”

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "

The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "

" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "

To which the lookout replies "...

A man with a broken arm comes in doctors office

Doctor: "Okay, so tell me how did you break it?"

Man: "Well, I was trying to avoid a child.."

Doctor: "Ah, yes, and you crashed your car."

Man: "Um, I fell off of bed."

My friend told me that if he held a stone against my arm for 5 seconds, when he released it the dent would stay there for ever. It didn't work,

I'm not impressed.

A man walks into a fishmongers carrying a salmon under his arm.

“Do you make fish cakes?” he asks.
“Of Course,” says the fishmonger.
“Oh Good,” replies the man, “it’s his birthday.”

I never understood why people pay an arm and a leg for anything

If anything, I would pay with just a leg. Because that has ma knee.

I got 3 eyes, 4 arms and 5 legs. What am I?

Ugly.

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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm...

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He turns to his wife and says, 'This is the pig I'm fucking'. His wife says, 'You idiot...that isn't a pig. It's a duck.' The man responds, 'I wasn't talking to you...'.

Did you hear about the creator of Arm & Hammer?

He used to be armed and hammered, but he really cleaned up his act.

If We're Going to Arm the Teachers

All I ask is that the librarians get silencers

I would give my right arm.

To be ambidextrous..

What has 6 legs, 9 arms, 3 heads, and 2 feet?

The Boston Marathon finish line.

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So I was walking along the beach and came a cross a women with no arms and legs, crying....

I asked her, what was wrong,
she replied, well, I’ve never been hugged by a man before....
So I have her a hug
She’s still crying, again I ask her what was wrong
She replied, I’ve never been kissed by a man before...
So I kissed her
And now she’s crying a little less but still...

If there is one thing that I admire from a T.Rex

It is that they’ll never stay arms-crossed.

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A man gets home carrying a goat on his arms

As he founds his wife on the couch watching TV he says: "See honey, this is the cow I have to fuck when you're out of town".
The wife is furious: "You're disgusting!!! You're so fucking stupid that you cannot realize you're carrying a goat instead of a cow!!!"
To what the man replies: "I wasn'...

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I just flew into town, and boy are my arms tired.

I just have bad fear of flying, and I masturbate to relieve stress.

My wife was always self-conscious about her amputated arm, so I tried to think of ways to incorporate it in a low-key manner during our intimate moments.

Suffice it to say that for a while I was stumped.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

Mittens!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just kidding, he’s still trying to open his present.

A TV weatherman broke both his legs and arms in an accident...

...he had to call in from the hospital to explain his four casts.

Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen...

...the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc ...

My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

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I bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for my Halloween decoration today.

The store assistant asked me, 'Are you going to put it up yourself?'

'No, you sick fuck, it's going in my living room,' I replied.

Yesterday I met a person without left arm, left leg, left eye and left ear. I asked him how it felt.

He said: "Allright"

When people ask me about my prosthetic arm

I tell them it was crazy expensive. It costs an arm and a leg, but I was able to bargain.

A dog with his arm in a sling walks into a bar in the old west

He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

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What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?

"Nice tits!"

Went to an auto-cannibalism restaurant the other day.

Cost an arm and a leg

My friend is an arms dealer. He has a Holiday sale right now where he's selling explosives for $1 each

It's a bang for your buck.

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.

She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on t...

I don’t vaccinate my kids because I don’t feel safe jamming a needle into their arm.

I’d rather have a professional do it

I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

A guy walks into a bar...

He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the s...

I decided to try the old yawn and put your arm around them trick

The guy at the urinal next to mine wasn't amused.

I'm going to tattoo a pack of cigarettes on my arm.

That way my father will actually want me.

Sometimes i like to tuck my knees under my arms and lean backwards

Cuz thats just how i roll

I had to have my left leg and arm amputated.

That's not what I thought the doctor meant when he said I was going to be "all right"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman with no arms and legs was crying on a beach..

She's lying there crying when a nice gentleman is jogging by and notices her crying. He says " Excuse me ma'am why are you crying?" She replies with " I've never been hugged before." So the gentleman gives her a hug and wishes her the best and jogs off.

A short while passes by before she star...