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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

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They say “masturbation is better with a dead arm”.

Apparently I ruined that funeral.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Rottweiler in a children's playground.

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

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My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

If a guy with only one arm speaks sign language,

is it a speech impediment or an accent?

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Happy Mother's Day!

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A guy walking on the beach finds a girl with no arms or legs... (NSFW)

He walks up and sees that she is crying, so he asks "hey why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
Laying there in the sand she sobbingly says "I have no arms or legs. No one has found me attractive my entire life and I've never been kissed before."
So this guy, being a nice guy decides "I'll...

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A pirate walks into a bar, with a wooden leg, a hook on his arm and an eye patch...

The Bartender looks at him and says " My god man, what happened to you?"

The pirate replies, " Well I'm a pirate. One day I did something wrong and they made me walk the plank. Before I could get out, a shark bit my leg off. Now I have to have a wooden leg."

Bartender asks, "what about...

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A Green Beret walks into a Marine bar carrying a large snapping turtle under his arm...

All of the Marines go quiet.

The Green Beret sets the snapping turtle on the bar, pulls out his dick and taunts the turtle with it until it latches on.

He lifts the turtle off the bar with his dick, swings it around in a circle, spins it around, slams it back on to the bar and ...

Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.

I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call him when he’s in your mailbox?

Bill.

At your front door?

Matt.

I lost both arms to a motorcycle accident.

I think there’s something wrong with my legs too but I just can’t put my finger on it.

What has 8 arms, 8 legs, and 8 eyes?

 

 

8 pirates... and also 8 homeless people by the year 2025.

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What is shit and got 9 arms?

Def Leppard

What do you call someone with no arms, no legs and an eyepatch?

Names.




All credit to Bo Burnham for this one.

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

I don’t know. He hasn’t opened his presents yet.

I got a call from the hospital. "Sir, your wife has broken her arm in four places."

So I replied, "Well, I guess she better avoid those places."

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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austral...

My favorite jokes are ones about bones in your arms.

There’s nothing more humerus.

What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?

“Do not consume if seal is broken”

A while back my friend tragically lost his left arm, so I asked him how he's been doing...

He says he's all right

What do you do if your baby is born with no arms and no legs?

You name it Matt.

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A man is walking along the beach, and encounters a woman with no arms or legs

She catches him looking, so he feels it necessary to say hi. She explains that her caretaker left her there, while she went to get lunch. They chat for a while, and he stands to walk away. The woman looks at him, and blurts out:

"Hey. You're so nice and handsome. I'm embarrassed to even ask t...

Im going to Chernobyl but the trip costs an arm and a leg

Thankfully by the time I get back I will have a few to spare

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A lady with no arms and no legs...

...was lying in the sun by the pool.

A man walked into the pool area, and she called out to him: "Hey, come over here - I want you to fuck me."

He walked over, picked her up, threw her out into the pool, and said, "Okay - you're fucked."

Which is correct: “I can write with both of my arms,” or “I can write with all of my arms.”?

It depends where you are. In the UK, for example, you would use “both,” while in Chernobyl, you would use “all.”

I heard on the TV, "no arms race between Russia and the United States"

I thought to myself, "I didn't even know the Paralympics were on"

A guy walks into his home with a chicken under his arm...

Husband: "here's the cow I've been sleeping with"

Wife: "that's not a cow that's a chicken"

Husband: "I wasn't talking to you"

The doctor says I lost 25% of my grip after I fractured my arm

RIP

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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

Removing a part of my arm in the hope it will stop my hand flopping about uncontrollably...

That's a wrist I'm willing to take

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.

"This one is on the house bro", he says.

"Thanks man," said the patron.

"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"...

Arm wrestle

I challenged one of the Apollo 11 crew to an arm wrestle.
In hindsight I should have chosen Aldrin, or Collins

A New Zealander is walking down the road with a sheep under each arm...

A local man spots him and asks 'Are you shearing?'

To which he says 'No, I'm gonna sleep with both of them '.

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A man walks home with a duck under his arm...

"See?" He says "This is the pig I'm fucking."

"Honey, that's not a Pig..." Says the Wife

The husband says "I was talking to the Duck."

Everyone sat around the table at the arm amputee support group

Speaker: how about a group hug to cheer everyone up

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(The joke from "The Breakfast Club" that was never finished.) A naked woman walks into a bar with a female poodle under one arm and a six-foot salami under the other.

The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink," to which the woman responds, "I sure as hell do, after what happened to me." The bartender, of course, asks what happened, and the woman says, "My boyfriend and I went up to my room when he said that he would pound his favorite bitch with...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

He sits at the bar and orders his drink and the bartender brings it to him.

While hes sipping on his drink the bartender says, “hey, mac, i gotta ask...whats with the octopus?”

The man says, “oh this? This is no ordinary octopus, this is a musical genius octopus!”

Skeptical, th...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Did you hear about the mime that got into a bar fight? He was left with a broken left arm. Later the police came in to ask questions.

He had the right to remain silent.

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A man was walking on a beach when he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying. He asked what was wrong. She said:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."

He hugged her and kept walking. A few minuted later, he sees her crying again. He asked what was wrong now; She said:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."

He kissed her and kept walking. A few minutes...

Mom, what's dark humor?

Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap.


Son: But, Mom! I'm blind!


Mom: Exactly.

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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He sits on a stool, slaps the croc on the bar, and says, "I'd like a beer, please."

The bartender says, "Whoa dude. That thing is dangerous. Get it out of my bar."

The guy says, "Nah, he's perfectly harmless, watch."

He proceeds to whip out his penis and hold it in the crocod...

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This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer.

How does someone who lost an arm starts an argument?

Well, on the one hand

I just watched an entire, three day long, arm wrestling match by accident.

Turned out to be more gripping than I expected.

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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. (NSFW)

His wife, sitting on the couch, looks up.

He says “well, this is the cow I’ve been fucking”

His wife shakes her head, “you’re drunk, that’s no cow, it’s a duck”

The man says “I was talking to the duck”

In the USA you can bear arms

In mother Russia we arm bears

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.

In a pile of leaves?

Russell.

In a hole?

Doug.

On a wall?

Art.

At your front door?

Matt.

Two armless legless men in front of your window?

Kurt and Rod.

I broke my arm...

and I just started laughing, it just seemed humerus at the time

A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?” ...

How did the man with no arms fall off his bike?

He was hit by a washing machine.

Me - i broke my arm in three places

Doctor - well, Don't go to those places

I wrecked my car this morning and luckily got away with a broken arm.

I don't know who it belongs to but I'm keeping it.

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What do you call a guy standing off the side of the road, with his arm up a horses butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

What do you call the feverish spread of strongly worded arguments against very lame and badly functioning replacement arms that tell the future while composing strictly written limericks while moving from place to place?

A parapatetic pathetic prophetic pedantic poetic paretic prosthetic polemic pandemic.

Sally really wants to swing but she can't because she has no arms

Knock Knock

Whos there

Not sally

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I was sexually active at 12

Now it’s 12:15 and my arm is killing me.

I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq.

Anyway I asked him where he was off to.

"To change a light bulb" he replies.

"Won't that be difficult?" I ask.

"Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".

I just sold a guitar to a guy with no arms.

I asked him why he wanted it and he said “I’m going to play it by ear”.

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I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”

The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette a...

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A girl with no arms or legs is sitting my a wharf

A man notices that she is crying and asks "why are you crying?"
She replies "I've never been hugged"
So the man gives her a hug.
She is still crying so the man asks "why are you still crying?"
She replies "I've never been kissed"
So the man kisses her.
She's still crying so the man...

What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call them, they’re still not going to come

What do you cal two guys with no arms and no legs on either side of a window?

Kurt n’ Rod

What do you call a guy with no arms & legs floating in the water?

Dead, definitely dead.

A man goes to the doctor and says "My arm hurts when I move it like this!"

The doctor tells him, "You have bone cancer."

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A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

He sits down on the exam table and the doctor looks at his arm.
"What seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Wainscotting?", the doctor asks.
"Doc, I've got terrible pain starting in my bicep and extending down to my forearm." replies Mr. Wainscotting.
"Let's have a look."
The doctor examine...

What has 5 legs, 2 arms, and 3 feet?

The finish line of the Boston Marathon

One arm man walks to the store and ask

Is this second hand shop?

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I walked up to a girl with no arms or legs at the beach, she was crying.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "I have never been hugged before".

So I crouched down and gave her a hug, she was still crying so I asked why she was still crying.

"I have never been kissed before", she said. So I leaned in and gave her a big ol' kiss.

She was STILL...

What did Steve Irwin get when an alligator clamped down on his arm?

Workman’s chomp.

What has 18 arms, 11 legs and 34 hands?

A liar.

A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arms.

"Where did you get that disgusting creature?" exclaimed the barman.

To which the pig replied "I won him in a raffle".

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever h...

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great ...

Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"

The hunchback runs and jumps at the b...

Startup idea: A robotic arm that automatically swaps out your NES cartridges for you.

Sure, you say it's a ludicrous idea, that it wouldn't have worked even if it was 30 years ago, the market doesn't exist, it's doomed to fail, etc.



But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a game changer.

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?

Partial arts

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm

The bartender says, "Hey! Get that pig out of here!"
The lady scoffs and tells the bartender, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck." To which the bartender replies, "I was talkin' to the duck!"

The presidential limousine pulls up to Air Force One. Donald Trump steps out with a baby boar tucked under each arm.

As he’s about to board the plane, a secret service agent stops him and asks “Sir, forgive my intrusion, but what’s with the boars?”

Donald motions to one and says “I got this one for Eric,” he motions to the other, “and I got this one for Don Jr.”

The secret service agent nods in appro...

A man is driving down the road when he sees someone on the side of the road with three eyes, no arms and one leg ...

He pulls over and says, eye, eye eye, you look armless, hop in.

What did the handicapped person say about his prosthetic arms?

These come in handy.

If We're Going to Arm the Teachers

All I ask is that the librarians get silencers

What do you call it when two men without arms get into a fight?

Unarmed combat

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs?

He would have trouble working with the four casts.

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A guy loses his right arm and he's considering to take his life

He walks by the subway station waiting for the moment when the train arrives to the station to make a leap of faith into the train rails.

When the train is about to arrive he sees a guy without both of his arms coming down from the stairs, dancing jumping and spinning around.

He appro...

Patient: "Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking my arms have become marquees!"

Doctor: "I think you might be too tense".

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I just flew in, and boy are my arms tired...

Yeah, I masturbated the whole flight here!

What do you call a girl on the arm of a banio player?

A tattoo.

I just got an idea to get "i trust no one" tattoo on my arm

But I don't think any tattoo artist would do it properly

What's the best thing about screwing someone with no arms and legs?

You can use them as a pillow when you have finished and they can't fight back.

A man shows up for work with his arm in a cast.

“What happened to you?” his assistant asks.

“I broke my arm in two places yesterday.”

“Man, that sucks,” says his assistant. “It would probably be a good idea to avoid those two places from now on.”

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3 guys are in a bar. First guy says, "Guys you know, my arms are really small.

I think I might have the world's tiniest arms." Second guy says, "That's weird, I reckon my head is like, the smallest head". The third guy goes "Guys, my dick is really small actually, I might just have the tiniest dick" The first man says "Do you know what guys, we should go down to the Guinness w...

Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.

I told her she won’t find what she’s looking for.

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

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A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm...

A guy walks up to his wife with a lamb under his arm.



He loudly proclaims, "This is the pig I used to fuck."



The wife says, "That's not a pig, it's a lamb."



The man replies, "I wasn't speaking to you."

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