Me: The place with more tanks?

My GF: IDK, a war?

Me: An aquarium

My wife left me because she said I kept leaving oxygen tanks around the house.

I thought that they created atmosphere.

2 fish in a tank. One says to the other,

How do you drive this thing

Fun fact: French tanks in WWII had rear-veiw mirrors.

This allows them to see the frontline too.

When the mystery machine runs out of gas, who has to refill the tank?

Scooby-Doo!



I've been creating jokes for over 30 years. This is the first family-friendly joke I've ever written. Plz be gentle.

Why do the tanks of the French army have rear windows?

So they can see the battlefield.

Why did the Tank Man cross the road?

What Tank Man? Who's that? Nothing happened in Tiananmen Square.

*this post has been deleted for offending our overlords*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

Tank navigator: hey dude

Tank driver: yea?


Tank navigator: can ya pass me that shell?


Tank driver: ye sure


Tank navigator: tank you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tiger tank

WW2 is raging and 3 Jews are walking along a road and they see a German tiger tank in the middle of the road.
One of them says " Let's push this tank to our village and sell it for scrap metal"
So they start to push the tank along the road and after 30 minutes one of them falls to the ground ...

How many gears does a French tank have?

One forward, five reverse

Heard it before? Well I bet you don’t know how many gears a Swiss tank has

Because they’re always in neutral

Caveman Shark Tank

Guy who invented the wheel - alright this is gonna seem a little unorthodox, but just roll with it

Caveman sharks - do what with it

G - oh you'll see

Vin Diesel lives his life 1/4 Mile at a time, I live mine 1/4 Tank at a time.

Help me I’m barely making ends meet here.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

Took my brother to the aquarium and threw him in the shark tank

He came back out with a $500,000 investment

(I know this is absolutely not funny but it came to me in a dream)

Two soldiers are sitting in a tank

One tells to the other: "GLUB GLUB BLUH GLUB GLUH BLUB"

The other drowns

The new French tanks have 14 gears...

13 to go in reverse and 1 to go in forward in-case the enemy attacks from behind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tickle your ass with a feather?

A homeless man is sitting on curb across from a bar. He watches a man across the way speaking to every woman who passes by. Eventually, he leaves with one of the women.  The next day, the same thing happens.  The next day, the homeless man inquires about the man’s secret. “Every woman who passes by,...

When Thomas The Tank Engine was younger he was very rebellious.

A real steam punk!

Did you hear about the two fish in the tank?

One drove and the other one controlled the big gun

What type of military vehicle to fish go to war in?

A fish tank

Did you hear about the new addition to French tanks?

A rear view camera, so they can see the battle going on.

Four Engineers

4 Engineers get into a car. A Mechanical Engineer, a Petroleum Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, and a Network Engineer. They go to start the car and nothing. The Mechanical Engineer says, "Hey guys, we've got a bad starter, we're going to need to fix that before the car will start." The Petrole...

An man sets his old hot water tank out as garbage.

The next morning the garbage men ignore it. So the next week he sets it out again but in front on his bins this time. The garbage men grab the trash behind it and leave the hot water tank. The next week he puts a sign on it that says "Take this". So the garbage men take the sign and leave the tank. ...

Why is Germany the most grateful country?

Because in WWII they sent their tanks in advance

Knock knock

Who's there?

Tank.

Tank who?

You're welcome.

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

What do you get if you throw a kid into a pirhana tank at the aquarium?

some red water and a lifetime ban, apparently

Went into a sensory deprivation tank for the first time and this is my review:

Eh. I wasn’t really feeling it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend’s septic tank backed up

I guess all that shit finally caught up with him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In order to tell when I have to get it drained, I have a pole that I dip into my septic tank.

(Shitpost)

I put adderall in the gas tank of my Ford Fiesta...

...turned it into a Ford Focus

French tanks in WW2 have special features

They have side mirrors so they can see the Germans when escaping.

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

Student in a test

An engineering student was in oral test. The professor asked him" what do usually ride when you go home ?".

The student answered " the bus"

Professor : cool, tell me what you would do i...

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar.

*long*

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, strolls up to the bar and sighs "give me a Guinness mate"

The bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day? ", the black piece of tarmac replies "aye I'm part of the A1 North and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 fucking lorries,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't trust septic tanks

They're full of shit

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank next to a pile of shells...

One turns to the other and asks "Do you have any ideas about how we can load the gun on this thing?"

this woman in a tank top and a tight skirt is waiting for the bus

well it comes and she tries to step onto the step only to find out she can’t

She gives the driver the “one moment” sign and proceeds to unzip her skirt and try again, she can’t step up the first step

She once again gives the driver the “one moment” sign and unzips her skirt a little ...

What does a tank museum and a zoo have in common?

They both have Panthers, pumas, tigers and elephants.

What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

A Tank.

What do World Of Warcraft and China have in common?

In both there's tanks used to take down mobs.

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product

I offered 20% steak

Just got a new tank for my fish...

Unfortunately none of them could drive it

Old Romanian Joke: How do you stop an Albanian Tank?

You shoot the guy pushing it.

A friend got me a rat wearing a tank top for Christmas.

He said, “It’s a gymrat. I hope he works out for you.”

What did the chinese say to hk protestor? Any guesses?

tank you!

A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL...

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are a lot like a septic tank.

Full of shit and should be buried underground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rear-engine car argued with a Tank.

-What kind if an idiot has their heart in their ass?

The rear-engine car replied:

-At least i don't have a Dick on my forehead.

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops?

Because they have the right to bare arms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A painter falls into a tank and drowns

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company to paint the brewing shop. He sets his ladder over this open tank filled with 3000L of beer.

He didn’t secure his ladder properly, and so it slips and he falls into this massive tank. Only one option, DRINK!! So he chugs and chugs trying t...

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

What do you call it when Thomas the Tank Engine beats his wife?

Domestic Caboose.

Shark Tank

*on Shark Tank*

Sharks: what's your idea?

Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses

Shark 1: I'm out

Shark 2: I'm out as well

Hammerhead shark: tell me more

What do you call a room of geniuses who've simultaneously had brainfarts?

A Stink Tank!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very exhausted man walks into a bar.

“Long day?” asks the bartender.

”No,” says the man, “it’s just my friend Mike.”

”What shenanigans has Mike been up to lately?” asks the bartender.

”He tried to make me believe he was a septic tank yesterday.”

”And? Did you believe him?”

”No, I just laughed and said...

What would China respond with regards the recent Hong Kong protests?

Tank you!

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