Tank Jokes - 67 Hilarious Tank Jokes

How many gears does a French Tank have?

Six - one forward and five in reverse

What should Ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks?

Ctrl-

What’s the most used tank on the battlefield?

The fuel tank

How do you stop a Russian tank?

Shoot the soldiers pushing it.

Why do french tanks have rearway mirrors?

So the drivers could see the battlefield.

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

What do you call a Russian tank brigade returning from Ukraine?

An infantry platoon.

Why do Americans always wear tank tops?

Because of their Right to Bare Arms.

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank...

One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Shark Tank

*on Shark Tank*

Sharks: what's your idea?

Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses

Shark 1: I'm out

Shark 2: I'm out as well

Hammerhead shark: tell me more

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks.

It was easier Z than done.

Analysis of the tanks is as follows:

American tanks are more effective, however can be spotted easily due to the usage of Fortunate Son whenever a hatch opens.

However, Russian tanks are silent. This is not intentional, as they ran out of fuel.

French tanks have a speed faster in reverse than in forwards.

Similarly...

Two lobsters were in a tank.

The one said to the other, "It sure would be easier driving this thing without rubber bands on our claws."

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.

He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

Russian Tanks

"What's the difference between a Russian tank and a Hoover vacuum cleaner? "

"The Russian tank has 4 dirt-bags in it."

Apparently this joke comes from an OLD soviet-era General who apparently liked to tell it almost any time he gave a speeches to his NATO counterparts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man drives to a gas station with the sign "Free sex with every full tank".

The man fills up, goes inside and asks the guy inside for his free sex. The attendant says "Tell me a number between 1 and 10", "7", "That was close, it was 8, better luck next time."

Next week he tries again, and he chooses 2 and close but no free sex. Keep on trying is the attendant advice....

Why do Russians paint Z's on their tanks?

So they can say Ukrainians are not-Z's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A painter falls into a tank and drowns

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company to paint the brewing shop. He sets his ladder over this open tank filled with 3000L of beer.

He didn’t secure his ladder properly, and so it slips and he falls into this massive tank. Only one option, DRINK!! So he chugs and chugs trying t...

"Do you want to hear a joke about the Russian Victory Day parade?"

"No tanks."

Syrian tanks

So, my dad tells me that Syria is getting military tanks from Turkey. I asked if that was bad and he said no, everyone loves a tanks giving Turkey.

How are French tanks unique?

They go faster in reverse than forward.

An endangered penguin escapes from its habitat, and manages to get into a swordfish tank.

The aquarium staff begin to freak out as the swordfish begins to attack the penguin, but their fears are dispersed as the penguin manages to get the upper hand, and beat back its assaulter.

As the staff look on in stunned silence, one turns to the other. "I guess it's true, the penguin is mi...

My friend recommended that I try a sensory deprivation tank but I got out after 5 minutes…..

I wasn’t really feeling it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire...

After 19 days of stealing Putin's tanks.

Ukrainian farmers are now the fifth largest military in Europe.

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

Why do Russian tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can watch the Ukrainian tractors gaining on them!

Two fish in a tank...

"Why are we in a tank?"
"Never mind that, how can we afford enough fuel to drive it back to Moscow?!"

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

Old Romanian Joke: How do you stop an Albanian Tank?

You shoot the guy pushing it.

Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries?

Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What the difference between a septic tank and twitter.

One is a tank full of crap, the other is tanking because of the crap.

Russian Z-tanks go....

zzzzzzzzzzz......

Why did the French chef stuff snails into his gas tank?

Because it makes escargot.

Why does Russian tanks have Z sign?

Because most of the dead crews are below 20

Fish tank

my friend told me they just got a new fish tank. They hadn’t gotten many fish yet, so it was still in the betta stage.

A blonde gets a job at a Gas Station...

It is her first day, and her first customer drives to pump #1 in a red convertible. Super excited, she approaches the customer and says, "Hey, mister, would you like some gas?" The customer says, "Yes, that's why I am here," she immediately gets to work, filling the customer's tank.

While the...

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tiger tank

WW2 is raging and 3 Jews are walking along a road and they see a German tiger tank in the middle of the road.
One of them says " Let's push this tank to our village and sell it for scrap metal"
So they start to push the tank along the road and after 30 minutes one of them falls to the ground ...

Two fish were in a tank. One turns to the other and says...

I can't believe the Russian navy were so incompetent as to let a ship load of these just sink down here.

Watching tropical fish in a tank can be very relaxing.

It’s the indoor fins.

What do you get when you put adderall into the gas tank of a Ford Fiesta?

A Ford Focus.

Knock knock... Who's there?... Tank... Tank who?...

You're welcome

How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv?

Depends how many people are pushing.

Meet Alexei, the hero who has destroyed over a dozen Russian tanks!

Alexei is the worst mechanic in the Russian army

So i've gotten a fish tank recently

And I check the Temerature and the pH-Value regularly. But my Guinea pigs keep diying. Do u guy have any advice?

What's the difference between "Thomas the Tank Engine" and Princess Diana?

Thomas made it through the tunnel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

My son asked me, "Dad, what does the Z stand for on Russian tanks?"

"Well son", I said, "You've heard of Plan A and when that fails, you go to a Plan B?"

"They're on Plan Z already."

What do you call the weight of a porta-potty when the tank is full?

The gross weight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free Sex w every fill up.

There was this gas station in Anderson, SC trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would g...

Why don’t the lobsters in those tanks at restaurants and grocery stores ever greet us or ask us how we’re doing?

Because they’re shellfish.

I finally figured what those Zs on the Russian tanks stand for.

It means "Zelensky's"

A Russian tank is parked up, just outside Kyiv, as dawn breaks...

The driver sticks his head out, feels the morning cold and says *'Chilly today, isn't it?*'.

To which the commander replies, '*No, we haven't finished here yet*'.

(A recycled 1979 Russian invasion of Afghanistan joke)

How do you get all those Russian tanks out from the mud?

Ukraine them out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas...

When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. ...

Never Lose A Tank

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

A tank driver asks his gunner, ...

... as they approach an intersection, "is there is any traffic?" The gunner replies, "There is a car coming from the left, and nothing from the right either."

Fun fact: French tanks in WWII had rear-veiw mirrors.

This allows them to see the frontline too.

My car was on E. So i went to the gas station and put $40 in the tank.

Now it’s on E+.

Caveman Shark Tank

Guy who invented the wheel - alright this is gonna seem a little unorthodox, but just roll with it

Caveman sharks - do what with it

G - oh you'll see

What‘s a tank in the jewish street?

A Ghettoblaster.

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