My wife left me because she said I kept leaving oxygen tanks around the house.

I thought that they created atmosphere.

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank...

One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"

Tank navigator: hey dude

Tank driver: yea?


Tank navigator: can ya pass me that shell?


Tank driver: ye sure


Tank navigator: tank you

How many gears does a French tank have?

One forward, five reverse

Heard it before? Well I bet you don’t know how many gears a Swiss tank has

Because they’re always in neutral

Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield.

Took my brother to the aquarium and threw him in the shark tank

He came back out with a $500,000 investment

(I know this is absolutely not funny but it came to me in a dream)

Did you hear about the new addition to French tanks?

A rear view camera, so they can see the battle going on.

Caveman Shark Tank

Guy who invented the wheel - alright this is gonna seem a little unorthodox, but just roll with it

Caveman sharks - do what with it

G - oh you'll see

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

Vin Diesel lives his life 1/4 Mile at a time, I live mine 1/4 Tank at a time.

Help me I’m barely making ends meet here.

The new French tanks have 14 gears...

13 to go in reverse and 1 to go in forward in-case the enemy attacks from behind.

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Tiger tank

WW2 is raging and 3 Jews are walking along a road and they see a German tiger tank in the middle of the road.
One of them says " Let's push this tank to our village and sell it for scrap metal"
So they start to push the tank along the road and after 30 minutes one of them falls to the ground ...

Two soldiers are sitting in a tank

One tells to the other: "GLUB GLUB BLUH GLUB GLUH BLUB"

The other drowns

When Thomas The Tank Engine was younger he was very rebellious.

A real steam punk!

Did you hear about the two fish in the tank?

One drove and the other one controlled the big gun

An man sets his old hot water tank out as garbage.

The next morning the garbage men ignore it. So the next week he sets it out again but in front on his bins this time. The garbage men grab the trash behind it and leave the hot water tank. The next week he puts a sign on it that says "Take this". So the garbage men take the sign and leave the tank. ...

Went into a sensory deprivation tank for the first time and this is my review:

Eh. I wasn’t really feeling it.

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In order to tell when I have to get it drained, I have a pole that I dip into my septic tank.

(Shitpost)

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My friend’s septic tank backed up

I guess all that shit finally caught up with him.

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

French tanks in WW2 have special features

They have side mirrors so they can see the Germans when escaping.

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I don't trust septic tanks

They're full of shit

Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank next to a pile of shells...

One turns to the other and asks "Do you have any ideas about how we can load the gun on this thing?"

What do you get if you throw a kid into a pirhana tank at the aquarium?

some red water and a lifetime ban, apparently

this woman in a tank top and a tight skirt is waiting for the bus

well it comes and she tries to step onto the step only to find out she can’t

She gives the driver the “one moment” sign and proceeds to unzip her skirt and try again, she can’t step up the first step

She once again gives the driver the “one moment” sign and unzips her skirt a little ...

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.

"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.

"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an en...

When I said to my teacher,I had 26 pets, didn't believe me. So I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

Teacher freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

I put adderall in the gas tank of my Ford Fiesta...

...turned it into a Ford Focus

What does a tank museum and a zoo have in common?

They both have Panthers, pumas, tigers and elephants.

I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product

I offered 20% steak

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

Just got a new tank for my fish...

Unfortunately none of them could drive it

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

Old Romanian Joke: How do you stop an Albanian Tank?

You shoot the guy pushing it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rear-engine car argued with a Tank.

-What kind if an idiot has their heart in their ass?

The rear-engine car replied:

-At least i don't have a Dick on my forehead.

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You are a lot like a septic tank.

Full of shit and should be buried underground.

Apparently there's a business that allows you to interview in a tank top

I might invest.

A friend got me a rat wearing a tank top for Christmas.

He said, “It’s a gymrat. I hope he works out for you.”

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops?

Because they have the right to bare arms

How to go through intersection in a tank

1) Approach intersection

2) Check if there is another tank coming

3) Proceed

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A painter falls into a tank and drowns

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company to paint the brewing shop. He sets his ladder over this open tank filled with 3000L of beer.

He didn’t secure his ladder properly, and so it slips and he falls into this massive tank. Only one option, DRINK!! So he chugs and chugs trying t...

A guy with an unfortunate last name...(long format)

Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.

One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:

"Alright! We're gonna have you a...

What do you call it when Thomas the Tank Engine beats his wife?

Domestic Caboose.

Shark Tank

*on Shark Tank*

Sharks: what's your idea?

Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses

Shark 1: I'm out

Shark 2: I'm out as well

Hammerhead shark: tell me more

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's fuel tank as a joke...

That truck is now know as Optimus Prime.

[Modernized] Why do U.N. tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the village they were supposed to protect.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

I have an idea for a movie about undead tank operators

I call it GHOST DIVISION

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When I was little, we were so poor that Dad had to bust a hole in the septic tank just so we could slip and slide.

It was a shitty slip and slide.

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