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Weapons Jokes

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

I covered all my weapons in glue.

I questioned it at first, but I decided to stick to my guns.

Zelensky: Why did you invade Iraq?

United States: Because we "suspected" nuclear weapons.

Zelensky: So why not attack Russia now?

United States: Because we know that Russia has nuclear weapons.

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake...

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as thei...

A new Russian "recruit" goes to the Armory to get his weapons.

The armorer looks around, and seeing there are no guns left, hand the soldier a broomstick.

"But Comrade!" complains the recruit. "The enemy have real guns! How will this help me?"

The armorer says to him, "Just point this at them and say 'Bang Bang Bang!' It will work."

"But ...

What is T-Rex's favorite class of weapons?

small arms

Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.

One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.

I'm Designing a New Strategic Weapons System

It flies over enemy territory expelling thousands of tonnes of excrement.

I call it the Incontinent Ballistic Missile...

[Long]A squad of soldiers-in-training stood in line to get their practice weapons...

...for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last guy got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

People have been criticizing me because I put glue on my hands before handling my weapons

But sometimes one just needs to stick to their guns

Who's the celebrity with the most weapons?

Ana de Armas.

What do you call a battle where the only weapons are truck horns?

A fight to the deaf!!

Who is the most reliable source of weapons to fight against Russians?

Russians.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

How did President Bush know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?

Well he kept the receipts.

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

You're police with Special weapons and tactics Harry

I'm a SWAT?

Why did Russia not deploy their weapons in the Cold War?

It was just Stalin.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

I heard a double amputee got arrested on weapons charges

They must've gotten the wrong guy, he's definitely unarmed

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

The Ninja Turtles went to a weapons store. They all got what they wanted except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

An employee at an American weapons manufacturer spots a bear in a conference room...

"Is this a set-up for a Second Amendment joke?"

Another employee : "What? No. That's our new yoga instructor."

Where does the spider get his weapons?

The dark web...





(Like where my parents will be selling me)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japan can’t make weapons but it can make..

Weabo-ns.

I like my joke and I don’t care

If Reddit users were Military Weapons...

They would be Attention-Seeking Missles.

I was stopped at the border by a guard who asked me "do you have any weapons?"

I said, "what do you need?"

What's the difference between a weapons factory and a children's hospital?

Don't ask me buddy. I just fly the drone.

Can a ninja throw projectile weapons?

Shuriken!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Sunday, I walked into the weapons store one day and noticed a banner advertising sarin gas.

I went up to the cashier and asked, "Isn't this stuff illegal?"

The cashier replied, "This isn't your ordinary sarin. This type helps you lose weight," gesturing towards another banner claiming that inhaling a whiff of it every day would help me lose 50 kilos by the end of the week.

Fe...

What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings?

An arsonal

What do somolian pirates use as weapons?

Arrrrpg's

Guys joking about chemical weapons isn't funny.

Syriasly.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

ProLifeTip for border crossings: when they ask “Any drugs or weapons?”

The correct response is not “Why, what do you need?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religious people are like tactical nuclear weapons...

It only takes one flying wildly off course, to fuck up alot of innocent people.

And if there happens to be alot of them, we are all fucked.

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

For anyone who doesn’t know how to make nuclear weapons, this is basically how...

Carefully.

In a world with no weapons, the one armed man . . .

Could still have a better punchline than this.

What do you call someone who buys weapons from North Korea?

An Archeologist.

The school I went to was so rough that they had to check students for weapons at the gate.

If you didn’t have one, they gave you one.

An Army cadet has the worst assignment on base, overnight monitor of the armory where the weapons are stored.

He's required to log a summary on the base laptop at the end of each shift and it's always the same: "All well". After a week he gets sick of sitting there bored for hours so instead he writes the summary at the beginning of the night and then sneaks off to sleep instead. This goes on fine for a m...

In trying to rid the world of weapons, Tony Stark gave it its best one ever.

Guess you could call him Irony Man

Told my friend I went to the waxwork museum and they had a waxwork of a medieval knight wielding his weapons.

"Tussauds?"

"Nah, he was holding a mace."

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