UPJOKE
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

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what did the Indonesian man suffering from explosive diarrhea say on August 27th 1883

"CRAPATOA"

If A is for "apples" and B is for "bananas", what is C for?

Explosives

What do you call an explosive monkey?

A Baboom!

(made by my cousin)

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so a man is pulled over

The cop walks up to the window and says sir, do you know why I pulled you over? The man says no and the cop says I clocked you doing 77 in a 65. May I see you license, registration and proof of insurance. The man says he not only has none of those but the car is stolen. The couple he stole it from ...

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.

The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
“Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine”

The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of th...

A man and a woman meet . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hun...

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What is the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with explosive diarrhea?

One of them shucks between fits.

What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?

Bombi.

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I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

A general is inspecting the drydock where an advanced prototype is in the final stages of commissioning.

The project manager excitedly explains how the attack submarine will be much faster than an enemy due to an innovative design which drastically reduces drag forces. The general asks how progress is coming along.

The manager replies, “The propulsion system is complete, I think it's ready for ...

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Fun Fact:

When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same shape as your butthole.



Bonus Fact: the same is true for "Explosive Diarrhoea"

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I had an episode of explosive diarrhea during a heist at the bank

Shit went down real fast

What do you get when you cross a dog and some explosives?

A treat seeking missile.

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

What do you call an explosive that donates at absolute zero?

0K Boomer

What's a pirate's favorite explosive?

M80

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It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

A guy with explosive diarrhea was eager to tell a joke

He couldn't hold it in

My explosive diarrhea must be hereditary...

...because it runs in my jeans.

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An *explosive* rhyme

There once was a girl named Jill...

Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill...

They found her vagina in South Carolina

And bits of her tits in Brazil.

What did the redditor say when he robbed a bank with explosives?

Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!

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It was the funeral of a woman who had henpecked her husband

She had driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blind...

There's an ultracryogenic explosive that's perfectly safe until it's cooled to absolute zero.

0 K boomer.

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Doctor: Sir, I’m afraid that you are suffering from explosive diarrhea

Man: Ah shit, here we go again

The year is 1939, Soviet troops are marching on Finland

As they cross the border, the general hears a Finnish voice just over a hill saying "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!".

The general laughs and sends 10 soldiers to take the hill, after a minute or so of gunfire, the same voice says "one Finnish soldier is better than 1...

What's the most explosive opening move in chess?

C4

Three men are sitting on an airplane.

One has a a banana, one has a skateboard, and one has a bomb. The first one peels the banana, eats the banana, and throws the peel out the window. The second man just throws the skateboard out the window. The last man lights the fuse on his bomb and throws it out the window.

When they arrive ...

A guy exploded himself after asking me what damage could explosives do

All i said is "c4 yourself"

I just opened an explosive prayer mat business.

Prophets are through the roof.

What do you call an explosives specialist from Oklahoma?

OK boomer

Explosive knock knock joke

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Allah"
"Allah who?"
"ALLAHU AKBAR!"

Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."

Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"

Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."

I keep trying to come up with a joke about explosives

But they all blow up in my face

What kind of Tick is explosive?

A dyna-mite.

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Today in chemistry we learnt about how Ammonium nitrate could be used in fertilizer and as an explosive.

That's when I knew we were dealing with some explosive shit

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

What do vending machines, explosives and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common?

C4, and there's a chance someone might get hurt.

So my friend put down three explosives.

For some reason, I C4.

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

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Did you hear about the male pornstar who accidentally put explosives in with his laundry?

He blew his load everywhere!

What did the explosives specialist say when he was about to hit the switch on his first bomb?

Please let this blow up

Whats the worst thing to hear when you have explosive diarrhea?

"Are you ticklish?"

I started a business putting explosives in prayer mats

Prophets are though the roof.

My friend is an arms dealer. He has a Holiday sale right now where he's selling explosives for $1 each

It's a bang for your buck.

An explosive knock knock joke

My 11yr old son came up with this joke

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting mountain
Interrup-
VOLCANO!!!

Suicide Bombers don’t like to be called explosives

They self identify as fireworks

My friend has a weird quirk: he gets explosive diarrhea and just can't contain himself when he sees a certain soccer player...

And boy, it's Messi.

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