Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

Why were Star Wars 4,5,6 set before 1,2,3 ?

In charge of scheduling, Yoda was put!

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?

In charge of the schedule Yoda was.

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."

"That's true," I replied, "wars require strategy and logic."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This was a joke that I was told last year by my tour guide in Berlin about Cold War-era Russia.

Every morning, General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev would go out onto his balcony and stretch. He would look up at the sun, rising in the East and go, “Good morning, Sun. It is a beautiful day outside.”

The sun would reply, “Good morning, General Secretary! Thank you for admiring my work!”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear war. But hit them with a newspaper and they die.

See how dangerous the media is?

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

Trump declares war against Twitter

McDonald's is now concerned and very scared.

My son Luke loves that we have named our children after Star Wars characters

My daughter Chewbacca not so much

My brother's still single on star wars day.

Apparently he's been looking for love in Alderaan places.

My mom said I was named after my grandfather—a war hero who died in Korea.

Of course I was named after him, I was born like 80 years after him.

What do you call an invisible Star Wars droid?

C-thru-PO

Quarantined Star Wars troopers be like "I miss people"

First off all, you always miss.

What did the Star Wars fan with a lisp say?

May the Fourth be with you.

France and Germany are at war again, who loses?

Belgium

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the Hacker group Anonymous just declared war on ISIS and Al-Queida

Quite ironic that terrorists will be killed by 72 virgins.

What do you call if a pig is in a tug of war

Pulled pork

Sorry if this is a repost. I'm new to this subreddit

What’s a Star Wars fan’s favourite drink

Qui Gon Gin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Star Wars Episode V plot twist.

R2D2 had been trying to tell Luke that Darth Vader was his Father by saying '' Motherfucker! '' every time they saw him.
They just bleeped it out.

What was Morgan Freeman called before the Civil War?

Morgan

There are 4 rules of war. 1. Don’t march on Moscow. 2. Never get in a land war in China. 3. Don’t invade Afghanistan.

And finally: Ignore rules 1 to 3 if your name is Genghis Khan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Ch...

I’m at war with this website

And you just reddit here first

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

You know why the Cold War REALLY went on for so long?

Cause Russia kept Stalin.

Since its may the 4th, I decided to watch the classic Star Wars trilogy with my girlfriend.

First time she ever saw Chewbacca, and she thought he was an Ewok... ... ...

Classic wookie mistake.

(Oldie, but never gets olde)

Oh, sure everyone loves Star Wars on May 4th...

Until you tell your nephew you’re his father!

What would you call a war between Area 51 and the Catholic Church?

Alien vs Predator

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather was treated very poorly by Nazi's during World War II

Time and time again those bastards screwed him out of a promotion.

Why did Billy die by friendly fire in war?

Because when the enemies were spotted, the commander ordered everybody on the battlefield to fire at will.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The World War had recently come to an end and a military general was sitting in a bar enjoying some drinks.

Two women walk into the bar and sit next to him. They start chatting and after a while one of the ladies asks the general when was the last time he had sex. The general replies 1944. The woman is surprised and offers to have sex with the general as a way of thanking him for his service. They both go...

What did the General who lost both arms, use to fight his wars?

Hi Leggies

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."

The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."

Then the Irishman says "Oi tink O...

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

how do you make a creative Star Wars joke?

you have to think outside of the jarjar

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms ...

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

I always thought that World War III was about the last oil reserves.

When it actually will be about the last rolls of toilet paper.

Why does Star Wars have a classical music score?

Because the Empire likes Bach!

I got into a huge fight with my husband, who was a star war fanatic.

"May divorce be with you. " he said.

why aren't star wars jokes popular?

.

.

.

.

they are usually quite *forced*

(just like this one)

What did the back-then USA president commented about the USSR during a press conference at the mere start of the Cold War?

"If those reds wanna be commies, then **SO BE IT**"



My first actual english joke-pun, please don't be harsh xD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is just like my favourite Star Wars character.

Hand Solo

There’s not going to be another World War. Calm down.

“World War” implies that America still has allies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A heartwarming story from the war

A boy is walking his dog in an English park when it chases a duck into the river and gets into difficulties. The boy stands on the riverbank screaming for help and crying in panic, when a German PoW on a work detail in a field sees what is happening. "Hey, Tommy, I go help?" he calls out to the guar...

Make love not war...

If you want both, get married.

Given that we live in an era of equality, it is only fair that for every 100 men drafted for the war...

We shall draft 79 women.

Got an old French war rifle for sale. Great condition.

It's never been fired, and only dropped once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?

One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.

The other is the bible.

What's the difference between a war drone and a commercial plane?

I dunno man, I just operate the missiles

Did you know, when World War 1 happened they didn’t call it World War 1.

They called it The Great War... because they weren’t expecting a trilogy.

People made fun of how lame it was when the aliens in 'war of the worlds' died from a plague

well look who's laughing now

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

Early in the development of the Clone Wars show the writers wanted Obi Wan to forgive Darth Mail for killing his master and befriend him.

They decided to let Qui-Gons be bygones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler's Game

During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she fa...

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

What does your Canadian friend cooking dinner for you have in common with the Empire from Star Wars?

Pal-poutine

.
.
.
.
.
Sorry, I'll get my coat.

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

Did you hear they finally revealed Yoda's surname on that new Star Wars show??

I can't believe it's Layheehoo

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm? I said lukewarm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the most popular Star Wars action figure in Japan?

Toy-Yoda.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

World War 2 jokes are pretty offensive to me.

I've always been pretty sensitive to WWII jokes because my grandpa died in Auschwitz.

The poor bastard fell out of a watchtower.

War Story

When I was 19 I joined the Navy cause, why not?

I ended up as a Navy Seal and get deployed to Iraq for 6 years.

Not even sure who we're fighting at this point.
Lose half my friends I had in the Navy but come home.

My family hardly talks to me now, but at least my dog still re...

What are Star Wars clone troopers muscles built of?

Kamino acids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

French Woman

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"


The French w...

I took my Wife to a marriage counsellor

She said she was sick of my Star Wars jokes.
I told the counsellor
Divorce is strong with this one.

What do you call a goody two-shoes who gets injured in the civil war?

Goody one-shoe.

War veteran had enough.

An amputee war veteran had enough of the poor support he was getting and decided to rob a store. Despite him bringing guns to the robbery, the police still decided to categorize the crime under "Armless Robbery".

My grandfather was in the air force in the Second World War, surviving over 30 combat missions in hostile airspace.

He was by far the worst pilot of the entire Kamikaze corps.

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

My wife said I talk about Star Wars too much, and wants to end out relationship.

“May divorce be with you” I replied.

A World War I soldier was attacked by mustard gas

Then he was also pepper sprayed by the police.

He became a seasoned veteran.

Before guns were invented

armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit this one out until the next war

A Holocaust survivor dies 30 years after the war.

When he gets to heaven god asks him to tell a holocaust joke.
The Survivor proceeds to tell him one.
God says "That wasn't funny at all"
The survivor says "I guess you had to be there"


Stolen from somewhere recently, too good to not share.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Japanese were winning at at start of the war

But they lost midway

More people would read books if publishers just added the phrase "In My Pants" to the end of every title.

War of the Worlds in My Pants

The Two Towers in My Pants

Great Expectations in My Pants

To Kill a Mockingbird in My Pants

Rising Strong in My Pants

With all this tension between Iran and America and possible war a lot misinformation can be spread so I just wanted to remind everyone who shot first

Han.

Why did the Italians lose the war?

They ordered ziti instead of shells.

During the Vietnam war what was the Americans favourite game to play?

Mine sweeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your mom was going to be in Star Wars

She wanted to play Jabba the Hut but they told her she's too fucking ugly

Trump: "I'm not a fan of a global nuclear war."

"It's the last thing that I would do."

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

Why did God create war?

So that Americans could learn geography.

What does the Korean civil war and a Korean gambler have in common ?

A Korean lost a Korean won

WARNING: STAR WARS SPOILERS

Voosh voosh pew pew pew voosh voosh pew pew voosh force choke voosh pew pew pew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

War joke for the lads

A man went to a church for confession he said to the preist, father I have sinned I have committed Aldulturey, the preist replied with everyone has their demons please tell me what happened, the man said a german girl who asked for shelter from the war came to me and I allowed although I was confuse...

My Hungarian boss' favorite joke

In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash. As soon as he'...

So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character

You should've seen the Luke on her face.

I'm not worried about getting drafted in the 3rd World War

I'll just send them my resume and I won't hear back from them as is usual.

What do you call someone who tells you that you must see the new Star Wars series?

A Mandatorian

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.

So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good...

How to prevent World War III.

Make Gabe Newell the president of the USA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your ar...

"How did you not get drafted into the war?"

"Heh." I chuckled.

"Iran."

In Star Wars Legends, Rey discovers an unusual force ability...

...this allows her to turn as dark as the night like a shadow and even become the shadows of others, useful for creeping up on enemies. The First Order Stormtroopers spoke about this amazing power having heard about it from a commanding officer Rey fought with the force. "Sir was spun around and kno...

Peter and Stewie Griffin were sent to a peace negotiation. I was skeptical at first, but it was a full success

I guess a fat man and a little boy really were enough to end a war

We’ve been fighting the war on drugs for years and we’re loosing.

I think we should try doing it sober.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.