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War Jokes

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...

Two countries go to war...

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

“We are civiliz...

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

If women ruled the world there would be no war

Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

Nuclear war is like incest

We can all imagine what it would be like if it happened but none of us want it to actually happen. Also both cause deformities in the long run.

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

A joke for world war 2 enthusiasts

A British World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the c...

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**INFINITY WAR SPOILERS**

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.

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NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

During the winter war, the Soviets where attacking a Finnish position

At first the Soviet command sends five soldiers in, and they all get killed by The enemy.

A Finnish soldier then yelled to the Soviets “Is that all you’ve got? I’m only one here.”

Then the Soviet command sends in 15 soldiers, who all, again, is killed by the enemy.

The Finnish s...

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Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

Justin Timberlake announces that he will be joining the war in Ukrain.

Early reports suggest that he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea River

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. <...

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An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II

An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."

The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."

"That is correct...

War. A battalion is under heavy enemy fire.

The commander gathers his soldiers and explains:

**Commander**: Listen men, we can't hold for long. We must retreat and come back with reinforcements. However, someone must stay behind and cover our backs. And whoever he is... our supply situation is bad. All we can give him is three grenades...

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

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A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...

... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...

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Hitler held out a war for 4 years...

But shot himself 45 minutes after getting married.

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

3 dirty Star Wars jokes

1) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he finally got inside Princess Leia?

Because it was Luke warm

2) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he was eating Princess Leia?

Because she felt chewy

3) Did Han do the right thing when he confronted Leia about these?

No, that nig...

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

During World War II, there’s a brutal battle between the Allied Forces and the Germans.

The Germans are sustaining heavy casualties. The German commander is preparing to sound the retreat, but he receives word that the Allies have cut the Germans off from the rear.

With no choice left and to save his men, he gives the order to surrender. German soldiers begin frantically waving...

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

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A young Japanese man was fleeing war

He ended in front of a Buddhist temple. He was granted access to this beautiful place and after a few weeks he saw the oldest high priest planting a tree.
He asked the old priest what is he doing. Priest said that the tree would cast a cooling shadow in the midst of the hottest summer when fully...

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During the War, some German PoWs were working in a field in England when one of them called out to the guard.

By the bank of a nearby river a small boy was screaming for help. His dog had jumped in the river and couldn't get out. The German yelled "I go help, *ja*?". The guard gave him the okay and the German ran and jumped in the river.

In a few moments he had freed the dog from the weed it was tang...

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then g...

During World War II a French cheese factory was destroyed.

Debris was everywhere.

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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A World War 2 joke

Stalin and Hitler died and were recieved in Hell by Satan.

Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in Hell for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .

While waiting, Hitler got bored and as...

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

Star wars joke

Han solo: Yoda are we going the right way?
Yoda: Off course we are

In the future, wars are fought on a budget

The world economy ensures there are no weapons at all. A man signs up for his country’s army. He gets to training camp. The sergeant hands him a piece of wood shaped like a rifle, with a rubber bayonet on the end.

‘Right, men! This is the new war tactics. You point your rifle at the enemy a...

After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name

Unfortunately Iran was already taken

What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

HDMI

If the war on drugs was a literal war...

How many of you would shoot heroin?

War isn't about about who's right...

It's about who's left.

Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes

Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work

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1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

During the Second World War, an Italian soldier is captured.

But during the interrogation the stern son of Rome did not utter a word... because his hands were tied.

Why was it called the Cold War?

Because of all the Icy-BMs!

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America won't participate if a 3rd world war happened....

.. it's a first world country.

Three kingdoms at war

There's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake:

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.

The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of we...

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Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

Before starting World War 3

The Russians should consider finishing World War 1 and upgrading their weapons

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

A war horse walks into a bar

The barman says “Why the long film?”

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

my friend got a face tattoo of his favorite Star Wars character

you should’ve seen the Luke on his face

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My cousins husband lost his penis in the war

He seems fine with it but ever since shes been fucking nuts

Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

My grandfather went to war in a dogsled.

Sadly he was sleighn.

It's the First World War, and a French Battalion and a German Battalion face each other in the trenches.

It's a rather slow day, and the Krauts sit bored in their trenches. Then, a young corporal speaks: "We really need to kill more frenchies! What can we do to lure them out?"
A young recruit asks, "What is a typical french name?"
Another answers, "Pierre."
The young recruit gets up, puts his ...

My wife and I were having a nasty fart war.

I wanted a cease fire.

What color flag did I wave?

Chartreuse.

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Grandpa can't be stand to be near fireworks because of his PTSD from the war...

One day I asked him about what happened and he let out a sigh and sat me down.

"It was 1951 in Korea, memorial day. I was stationed North of the parallel and it felt like today could finally be the one day we could relax and take a break from the war.

"The platoon spent the whole day ...

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until

You realize you're a healthy young man

What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War?

Trump dodged the Vietnam War.

How did Mace die in Star Wars?

Through the Windu

The trees and the shrubs are at war.

The shrubs assemble a meeting to see how to breach the tree's defenses. The head shrub asks his subordinates to state who they are and what their plan is for attacking the trees.
One of the shrubs responds; "I am bush"

My grandparents fought during World War II.

They ended up getting a divorce.

A war hero becomes an animal doctor. Years later he retires.

He's not a triple threat, he's a triple Vet.

(Credit to my 12 year old kid)

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My dad fought in the war and killed people by shooting them in the belly button.

He was an expert in navel warfare.

How do you get Germans to start a war?

Win the previous war.

What did Yoda say when he saw Star Wars in 4k?

>!HD … MI!<

My dad asked me, “Do you know what I love about the book War and Peace?”

Me: Not really.

Dad: Well, it’s a long story.

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

What do you call a shirt you go to war with?

A tank top!

Happy Star Wars Day/Cinco de Mayo

Chewie today, Chuy tomorrow

The judge ordered me to erase every punctuation mark from War and Peace except for the last period…

It was a very long sentence.

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During the Vietnam war many men were being drafted

One man was young and in good shape but he didn’t want to fight in the war. He hid in his house for a long time. One day he decided he had to go out side. He was sick of being stuck in that house. He walks outside down the block and all of the sudden a military vehicle turns around the corner. It s...

Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2

Save up to $2160 by not buying it

Don't joke about the war...

I told my friend that my grandfather died in the war.
He said "I am sorry to hear. How did he die?"

I said "One night there was a drunken party, and he fell off a guard tower!"

An old man sitting behind us interrupted. "You shouldn't joke about these things. It's offensive. My fathe...

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I grew up believing my grandad was a Japanese prisoner of war.

Turns out he just likes hiding things up his arse.

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During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation...

... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead.

A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment.

Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle.

Instead of ...

I'm not a fan of Civil War jokes.

I General Lee do not find them funny.

[long] Grandpa tells his stories of his time in the war

Susie's fifth-grade class was studying history, and she got permission to bring her grandfather in to class so they could hear his stories of being a wartime fighter pilot over Germany.

"We were the best fighter squad, given all the most dangerous missions," he told them. "Once, Jerry caught ...

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North Korea is calling for war.

In other news, it's Saturday.

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What would you call Mike Tyson if he was a villain in Star Wars?

A Tit Lord

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Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.

After Ethan came in from using it late...

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What would a Dalek reincarnated as Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War say?

Emancipate! Emancipate!

War dress code

There is a war going on between the Germans and the Scottish and in the middle of the war two soldiers from opposite sides stop to talk and one of them asks the other “why do you wear red uniforms?” They respond “when someone is shot the blood blends in and morale stays up. Why do you wear brown uni...

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why did Hitler lose the war?

Three Reichs and you're out.

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

The great horrors of war..

A nun is walking through the church courtyard when a soldier comes running up to her.

The soldier says, "Sister, quickly! May I please hide under your skirt? My lieutenant is looking for me and I know he is going to send me to Syria!"

The nun replies, "Why of course, it's an emergency!...

Germany can't start another war

Because three Reichs and you're out.

A Soviet War joke

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;
"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and the...

Why shouldn't you start a war with China?

Because they'll show a Wonton disregard for human life.

An RAF veteran is giving a talk about the war to a class of school children

and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one wa...

Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

An important thing to remember about the Peloponnesian Wars.

Neither side was "good" or "bad"

In fact there were gyros on both sides!

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My grandfather was a USAF pilot during the war. He personally flew 16 bombing runs over Japan, two of which were over Tokyo itself. But at the end of the war, they slung him out of the USAF. They didn't even give him his service medal.

I always thought he was hard done by. Everybody else in the Korean war got their service medal.

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World War III

Donald Trump and Marco Rubio are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman,
'Isn't that Trump and Rubio sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor!
What are you guys doing in here?' <...

Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun?

.

.

.

.

.

.

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Luke-Warm

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

During times of War

The waring nations would remove certain fruit from their restaurants.

Because Peach is no longer an option.

[Star Wars spoiler] What did Han....

Tell Leia after they separated?

-----


*May Divorce be with you.*

During Cold War, Mossad, CIA and KGB argue which is the best secret service.

They decide to hunt for hogs in a forest. The organization with the most kills after one hour gets the award.

Mossad send in Schlomo, their best agent. After one hour he presents three hogs, all with a clean shot between the eyes.

CIA orders an attack helicopter, spots a sounder and k...

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”...

A Ronald Reagan cold War joke

An American,Polish and Russian dog were sitting together.

The American dog started talking : it is great living in America you can bark all day in the fields and at night you get a big beefy peice of meat.

The polish dog asked : what is meat ?

The Russian dog asked : what is bar...

"Battle. Attack. Skirmish. Melee. War. Punch."

"Them's ***fightin'*** words, pardner!"

:-)

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

What was the difference between conscription in World War One and conscription in World War Two?

The year.

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How is Star Wars like a penis?

Luke and Leia are force kin.

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

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Vietnam War

During Vietnam, a black man, an Asian man, and a white man are on a stakeout in the jungle, far from their base. They get a call from command saying it's about time to resupply. The white man says to the others, "Alright, I'm going to go pick up some food. Black guy, you go get the ammunition, and A...

The War on Terrorism....

....God's way of teaching Geography to Americans.

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