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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

How do you get America to enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked!

"Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said.

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

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All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie

Solo

Thanos’s snap in infinity war would’ve had a greater impact if marvel made it seem that half of the audience wasn’t there,

But apparently only DC movies can do that.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

A russian officer during the winter war hears someone shouting from behind a hill

"one Finnish soldier is worth 10 Russian soldiers!"
Wanting to prove a point the officer sends ten Russians over the hill. After some gunshots and screams the same voice shouts "one Finnish soldier is worth 100 Russian soldiers!" Enraged the officer sends 100 Russian soldiers over the hill. After...

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.

​

I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

​

​

"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"

said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.

"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."

"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."

Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help th...

A war horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says "why the long film?"

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Two tribes go to war

There were 2 tribes in a war with each other. One tribe wins and takes 3 prisoners from the other tribe.the leader says

"i will let you go if you collect 10 of one fruit from the forest." So they went. The first guy comes back with oranges.

The leader says "you must shove all 10 of t...

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1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

A lot of people are concerned that Donald Trump will start a nuclear war.

That'll only happen if he reaches critical ass.

What did the paraplegic track event and the Cold War have in common?

They were both an arms race.

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

Wars in the Iberian Peninsula

Having forged a marriage alliance, the kingdoms of Castille and Aragon formed Spain, a united Catholic front to drive the Moors outside of Iberia.

One of the more important battles in the subsequent Reconquista was the siege of Cordoba. Though historians debate what exact tactics the command...

If war is the father of invention, and necessity is the mother of invention...

Then laziness must be the drunk uncle with inventions like the remote control, la-z-boy, and the clapper.

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

After Peter Jackson’s successful launch of World War 1 documentary They Will Not Grow, George Lucas has announced he is making a documentary of World War 2 with remastered footage.

Spoiler: France invades first.

I can only have one beer when watching Star Wars.

Only one Peroni.

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Two friends are talking about the war on the Arabian Peninsula. One asks the other, "Didn't a bunch of kids die or something?" His friends responds:

"Yemeni children died"

During the First World War, Switzerland was the coat hanger of the other fighting countries,

When war ended, Switzerland gave the coats back ...

But without the wallets

So today my wife told me “there would be no wars if women ruled the world.”

And I responded with “yeah that’s because war takes strategy and logic

In other words does anybody have an extra couch I can sleep on for the next year or two

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

The only reason why humans start wars

is because we have time to kill

How can you recognise a French war veteran?

Sunburned armpits.

How did the Cold War end?

Global Warming.

A new deckhand on a British ship during the naval war against France (1779)

-Captain! They just raised a white flag! What does that mean?
-It means they're french. Fire at will.

TIL about the Soviet-Finnish War

Guess you can say the Soviets Finnished quickly.

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Why did the Germans lose World War 2?

They could nazi the errors of their ways.

Which Star Wars character is obsessed with cheese?

Boba Feta.

During the Cold War, there was an East German couple who were outside one evening when it was lightly precipitating...

They got into an argument, the man claiming it was raining, and the woman claiming it was snowing.

During the heat of the argument, they spotted a well known local official walking past.

The wife exclaimed, "We will ask Brother Rudolph for the official word from the Party!"
...

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

As a kid, I once ate a Star Wars eraser...

It was a little Chewie.

The President has declared war on babies.

In response, they sent in the infantry.

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A soldier holds 3 hostages during war

He says he will set all the non-conformists free and shoots the others. So, he begin giving his questions to the 3 men.

Soldier: "Are you a Muslim?"

1st man: "No, I eat pork and have gay sex."

The soldier sets him free and gives him bacon to eat. Proceeding to the second man, th...

My friend keeps telling jokes about nuclear war

It’s making me go MAD

Where did the Russians send the Italians during World War II?

The gabagulag.

After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside...

Knowingly, I told her, "Lukewarm."

My computer is so old

When I turn it on the malware prompts me to update.

All this talk of trade wars...

It’s just Tariffying

During the Gulf War, a soldier has just arrived in Iraq

Two days after being deployed, he gets asked by his best mate back at home to the mate's best man at his wedding. The soldier quickly agrees, and go to ask his commanding officer for leave.

"Leave? After only two days? You must be mad, to even consider asking me for it. You won't get leave un...

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

**INFINITY WAR SPOILERS**

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.

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War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

I found out I was colorblind by watching Star Wars

I couldn't see the green screen

Just found out Chuck Norris had a cameo in Star Wars...

he played The Force

Why don't T-rex go to war?

Because they're short on arms.

Do you guys like Civil War jokes?

Because General Lee I don't find them funny.

Heard something on NPR that made me come up with this joke....What do you call it when the President can send you to war but you can't vote for the President?

Puerto Rico.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied: "He went that way."

After the Military Police officers ran off, the...

I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

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I told my mother in law "When war comes, I'll just be eating human flesh as well". "You shitting me?!" She asked.

"Maybe." I replied.

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An air force cadet enters flight academy during world war 2

He gets a perfect score on the written test on the first day and starts his flight training. He's so good he's doing loops and within the first week.

He graduates within a month with flying colors and is sent to the pacific and stationed on an aircraft carrier.

He shoots down 5 Japan...

I asked my wife to dress up as a bounty hunter from Star Wars

I have a Boba fettish

So a new commander arrives in Korea during the Korean War at the beginning of a Chinese offensive.

So a new commander arrives in Korea at the beginning of the Chinese offensive. Wanting to gain information on the enemy he looks around and asks a Marine,

“what are their tactics, how do they fight?”

The Marine responds,

“Well the Chinese Army likes to attack in very small gro...

Star Wars X-Wing pilot

"my navigation and targeting drone keeps making bad puns about the old west.. I guess I shouldn't have gone with an RD-R2"

Why couldn’t the Grim Reaper go to war?

Because he supports all troops

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I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

What do you give a country that hasn't rang it's bell for war in 100 years?

A no bell peace prize.

In love and war.

A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too...

How is being in a game of paintball and war similar?

You often see people dye.

What do you call two pigs playing tug o’ war?

Pulled Pork

If women would be ruleres in every country there wouldn’t be any wars

Just a bunch of countries that wouldn’t speak with each other.

People make fun of Australia for declaring war on emus and losing

But it's not nearly as embarrassing as the US declaring war on plants and losing.

Are you a world war?

Because I'm Switzerland and I want to ignore you for 6 years, yet still reap the benefits

Have you heard Tom Holland's reaction to the end of Infinity War? ***Spoilers***

***Spoilers***
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He was blown away by it!

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

What did the child say after World War II ended?

"Look, ma! No Hans!"

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and rig...

Shortly after the beginning of the war in Afghanistan.....

...the news showed a clip of a young Afghani man in the midst of a battle in a city. The young man grabbed a grenade and hurled it some 70 yards into the fifth-floor window of a building, blowing the building up and saving several American soldiers.

A scout for the Detroit Lions happened to ...

Why would the Avengers have been better able to see a solution to the infinity war if Thanos had arrived just a couple of years later?

They'd have had 2020 Vision


(I'm so sorry)

War isn't about about who's right...

It's about who's left.

My grandad lost his job after the war as a coleman's mustard powder salesman.

His boss told him to mix it with other cheaper powders like flour and chalk but grandad was an honest man, and would only ever sell genuine 100% pure stuff.

His boss fired him as he plainly didn't cut the mustard

In my opinion, if we're going to fight a war on terror

A good place to start would be this nation's haunted houses

Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

What do you call a Star Wars themed all you can eat restaurant?

Bo-buffet

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King Arthur leaves the country to go to war

Before leaves he goes to the town's blacksmith and orders him to do a chastity belt for the queen with the logic of the guillotine. Before leaving he tells his trusted friend and adviser , sir Lancelot, to bring the court together and inform everyone of this.

When the king returns he tells si...

Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments

Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will