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I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

A Winter War joke

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the vo...

Star Wars Trailer: No one is ever really gone...

"Meesa lead tha First Order to victory now, okietay?"

Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?

A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nightmares of the war years

Man walks into the kitchen & finds his wife cutting potatoes into penis shapes. 

Man: Why you cutting potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dream about having penis shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Ma...

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

Did you see that guy at the beginning of Infinity War?

He Loki died bro

What's the most redundant thing during war?

The red and blue in france's flag

If America had stayed out of the Vietnam war

It would have been a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

Did you hear about the Red and Blue war?

I heard the soldiers were marooned!

How do you get America to enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

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What did Hitler say when he realised that the war was lost?

“I did Nazi that coming”

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

The Great War

A man invents time travel in 1915. He goes 100 years into the future and exclaims in awe

“My god, how far has the world progressed since The Great War”

“Don’t you mean World War One”

“One?”

War isn't about who's right...

...war is about who's left.

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

Which super hero is the best at basketball? (Infinity War Spoilers)

Spider-Man, he has the best fade-away.

How did the Russians keep the Germans at bay in World War II?

They were Stalin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How are war veterans and janitors alike?

You won't believe the shit they've seen!!

What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?

Bicarbonate of Yoda

A soldier was hit by mustard gas in war, and then pepper spray by a police officer.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

What did the Middle East say when they saw Yemen having another civil war?

Oman, here we go again...

What is the difference between the War on Drugs and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 50 years. (Nixon declared it in 1971)

How does an Octopus go to war?

Very well armed.

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

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My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

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An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.

After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a ...

In Star Wars Episode I, we learn (spoilers)

That Anakin Skywalker has no father, the midichlorians caused his birth.

​

I guess his mom was forced into it.

After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name.

Unfortunately Iran was already taken.

I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea.

“If women ruled the world,” said my wife, “there would be no wars.”

‘That’s true,” I replied. “Wars require strategy and logic.”

Ottoman Ruler Declares War!

As a man with his four sons work at the farm, a horseman appears. Comes close to the father and says, our great leader has declared war, your oldest son must be conscripted. Takes the boy and leaves. Time passes, the horseman appears again. Announces the war, takes the oldest son leaves. Now only th...

Two communist soldiers stood by the Berlin wall during The Cold War.

Soldier 1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Soldier 2: Yes I am.

Soldier 1: Then I'll have to arrest you.

Cringey star wars joke

Just thought of a cringey star wars joke while being unable to sleep

Q- What was Hans Solo's response to Princess Leia when she asked where he had been all her life?

A- In Alderaan places

My grandfather shot down 20 German bombers in the war.

Poor Friedrich, he was never cut out to be a fighter pilot.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

Why did the armpits lose the war against the elbows?

They were under-armed.

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.

​

I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

​

​

"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"

said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.

"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."

"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."

Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help th...

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In a bar in Berlin, before the war broke out, there sat Adolph Hitler at a table arguing with Rudolph Hess.

Goebbels was at another table with Bormann. Hermann Goering was up at the bar shooting shots of schnaps.

In walks an American reporter, recognizes Goering at the bar and strolls on up to him and introduces himself. He explains that he’s doing an article on the Nazi plans and goals for Germany...

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1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

France and Italy are at war. Who wins?

No one. France surrenders and Italy changes sides

Quickest way to end a war...

Lose it

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

What did Canadians use to communicate during the various wars they fought?

Moose Code.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

A war horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says "why the long film?"

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Two tribes go to war

There were 2 tribes in a war with each other. One tribe wins and takes 3 prisoners from the other tribe.the leader says

"i will let you go if you collect 10 of one fruit from the forest." So they went. The first guy comes back with oranges.

The leader says "you must shove all 10 of t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All of my sexual escapades are like a big budget Star Wars movie

Solo

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

What's a terrorist's favourite Star Wars movie?

Return of the Jihadi.

Thanos’s snap in infinity war would’ve had a greater impact if marvel made it seem that half of the audience wasn’t there,

But apparently only DC movies can do that.

Why were the wives of World War 2 soldiers happy to see them?

Because the wives wanted to have their own D-day.

A lot of people are concerned that Donald Trump will start a nuclear war.

That'll only happen if he reaches critical ass.

What did the paraplegic track event and the Cold War have in common?

They were both an arms race.

After Peter Jackson’s successful launch of World War 1 documentary They Will Not Grow, George Lucas has announced he is making a documentary of World War 2 with remastered footage.

Spoiler: France invades first.

So today my wife told me “there would be no wars if women ruled the world.”

And I responded with “yeah that’s because war takes strategy and logic

In other words does anybody have an extra couch I can sleep on for the next year or two

A russian officer during the winter war hears someone shouting from behind a hill

"one Finnish soldier is worth 10 Russian soldiers!"
Wanting to prove a point the officer sends ten Russians over the hill. After some gunshots and screams the same voice shouts "one Finnish soldier is worth 100 Russian soldiers!" Enraged the officer sends 100 Russian soldiers over the hill. After...

How can you spot the losers in a social media War?

They're the ones yelling, "Retweet! Retweet!!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

I can only have one beer when watching Star Wars.

Only one Peroni.

Two friends are talking about the war on the Arabian Peninsula. One asks the other, "Didn't a bunch of kids die or something?" His friends responds:

"Yemeni children died"

If war is the father of invention, and necessity is the mother of invention...

Then laziness must be the drunk uncle with inventions like the remote control, la-z-boy, and the clapper.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

During the First World War, Switzerland was the coat hanger of the other fighting countries,

When war ended, Switzerland gave the coats back ...

But without the wallets

As a kid, I once ate a Star Wars eraser...

It was a little Chewie.

Wars in the Iberian Peninsula

Having forged a marriage alliance, the kingdoms of Castille and Aragon formed Spain, a united Catholic front to drive the Moors outside of Iberia.

One of the more important battles in the subsequent Reconquista was the siege of Cordoba. Though historians debate what exact tactics the command...

The only reason why humans start wars

is because we have time to kill

How did the Cold War end?

Global Warming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

**INFINITY WAR SPOILERS**

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.

How can you recognise a French war veteran?

Sunburned armpits.

Which Star Wars character is obsessed with cheese?

Boba Feta.

All this talk of trade wars...

It’s just Tariffying

The President has declared war on babies.

In response, they sent in the infantry.

A new deckhand on a British ship during the naval war against France (1779)

-Captain! They just raised a white flag! What does that mean?
-It means they're french. Fire at will.

TIL about the Soviet-Finnish War

Guess you can say the Soviets Finnished quickly.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the Germans lose World War 2?

They could nazi the errors of their ways.

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter and when she asked me why Luke climbed inside the Tauntaun, I replied that it was to keep warm. With a puzzled frown, she questioned how warm was it inside...

Knowingly, I told her, "Lukewarm."

My friend keeps telling jokes about nuclear war

It’s making me go MAD

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

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War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A soldier holds 3 hostages during war

He says he will set all the non-conformists free and shoots the others. So, he begin giving his questions to the 3 men.

Soldier: "Are you a Muslim?"

1st man: "No, I eat pork and have gay sex."

The soldier sets him free and gives him bacon to eat. Proceeding to the second man, th...

During the Cold War, there was an East German couple who were outside one evening when it was lightly precipitating...

They got into an argument, the man claiming it was raining, and the woman claiming it was snowing.

During the heat of the argument, they spotted a well known local official walking past.

The wife exclaimed, "We will ask Brother Rudolph for the official word from the Party!"
...

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied: "He went that way."

After the Military Police officers ran off, the...

My computer is so old

When I turn it on the malware prompts me to update.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

Heard something on NPR that made me come up with this joke....What do you call it when the President can send you to war but you can't vote for the President?

Puerto Rico.

During the Gulf War, a soldier has just arrived in Iraq

Two days after being deployed, he gets asked by his best mate back at home to the mate's best man at his wedding. The soldier quickly agrees, and go to ask his commanding officer for leave.

"Leave? After only two days? You must be mad, to even consider asking me for it. You won't get leave un...

Why don't T-rex go to war?

Because they're short on arms.