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Pistol Jokes

A guy walks into a bar waving a pistol

He yells “I’ve got a 7 round magazine and one in the chamber, now I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!”

A guy from the back of the room calls out “you’re gonna need more ammo!”

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol.

Police think it might be race related.

I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with wate...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, “I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, “You’ll need more ammo”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

A man walks in a bar with a pistol and yells

Who the hell here f*ked my wife.
Everyone is quiet until a man at the back says"You ain't got enough bullets for that mate".

Ukrainian cleaning his pistol

It's 1961, and a Ukrainian is cleaning his pistol. His son runs into the room shouting: "Daddy, daddy, Russians have gone to space!" The man stops cleaning his pistol. "What, all of them?" "No, just one!" The man grumbles & continues cleaning the pistol.

What do a pistol and candy have in common?

When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

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A hunter shoots a bear in the ass with a pistol...

The bear, feeling the sting in his ass, turns towards the hunter runs down the hill and pins the hunter down. The bear says "since you shot me in the ass, I'm going to screw you in the ass..."

The hunter, not wanting to die, agrees - pulls his pants down and allows the bear to have its way wi...

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

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Two men and a woman are going to hitman school…

… and their teacher takes one of the men out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room we have your wife. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill her.”

The guy says “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”

The ...

Today I found out Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol

Her name was Onya

Man takes along a .22 pistol to camping

His friend asks if that’s for bears.

Man: “No. This will not stop a bear.”

Friend: "What will you do if a bear crosses our path?"

Man: “I’ll run.”

“RUN?” asks the friend. “You can’t outrun a bear.”

Man: “I don’t have to. I just have to outrun you.”

Friend...

My grandfather gave me the Luger pistol he took from a German soldier he shot

I had no idea that at his advanced age, he was shooting people in foreign countries and smuggling weapons.

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,

but very few people know about his sister,

Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

A Wolf and a Hare are being drafted into the army.

The Hare goes in first to be tested. An officer shows him a pistol:

O: What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him an assault rifle): What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him a grenade): What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him a brick): What...

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Dude storms into bar with a pistol firing shots

"Im looking for the man whos been fuckin my wife!!" Says the dude.

Of all the perturbed patrons, only the old drunk in the corner replied with, "you aint got enough bullets!"

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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

Chuck Norris once killed 50 people with his pistol.

Then, he started shooting.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get captured by a tribe of cannibals

The leader of the cannibals arrives, and says "Greetings, travelers. I'm sorry to tell you this, but since we have captured you, you must die. Furthermore, we must eat you, and make canoes out of your skins, in accordance with our traditions. However, we will be as humane as we can. We will allow yo...

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

Do you know why I buy my pistols from a T-Rex?

He’s my small arms dealer

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join MI6

The Englishman comes in for his interview and it goes really well, he has a glowing record in the Army and is a perfect fit for the job.

At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"

The Englishman replies "My country of course!"

"OK" say...

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I cocked my pistol and asked my girlfriend, "Any last words?"

4 hours later, I shot her.

A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego

The manufacturer says it's perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.

A panda walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card...

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

Florida Woman Stops 12' Alligator with a .22 cal Beretta Pistol

\[Long\] This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pon...

[Long] A family of four decides city life doesn’t suit their style anymore

So they sell their house in the suburbs and buy a dairy-cow ranch. After a week or so, the dad and 2 sons are out mending the fences, when their neighbor comes driving up the road and stops to introduce himself.

“How y’all doin? The name’s Al, friends call me Big Al. Are you folks new to the ...

You're in Africa, a Lion and a Jaguar are in front of you, but your pistol only has one round left. What do you do?

Shoot the Lion, get in the Jaguar and drive away.

Why do gangsters hold their pistols sideways?

Because that's how it comes in the box :D

How do you turn a pistol into a shotgun?

Just shoot it

Grandmother's Pistol

My grandmother got pulled over for speeding. She rolled down her window and talked to the cop. He asked for her registration, and she said,
"Sure, i'll give it to you, but i want to warn you, I've got a Colt 45 in the glovebox."
As he reviewed her licence and reg, the cop asked her about any o...

Did you hear about the officer who shot his pistol into the Chinese restaurant?

He was charged with wonton endangerment.

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You think you’re a true fan of the Sex Pistols?

Name two of their albums.

I started carrying a pistol after an attempted mugging last week.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

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My cake day joke.

A gunslinger walks into a bar.
Low and behold there sits Doc Holliday.

The gun slinger says "hey you're Doc Holliday!"

Doc says "yeah I'm your huckleberry. "

The gunslinger says "you are my hero. Would you critique my shooting?" He whips his pistol out of its' holster and sh...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

I stole a pistol made from gelatin the other day...

I was arrested for having a congealed weapon.

How do you survive a grizzly bear attack with only a .22 pistol?

Shoot your hiking partner in the leg.

A man n northern Manitoba survived a bear attack using only a .22 pistol he had in case of emergencies

His friend that he shot in the knee was not as lucky

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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Three explorers are trekking through the Amazon....

One explorer is from England.

One is from France.

One is from New York.

As they're pushing through the jungle a local tribe ambushes and captures them. The tribe takes them back to their village to await trial by the Chief.

The Chief presents himself to the explorers:
...

To settle their differences, Jesus and Muhammed agree to pistols at dawn, Jesus wins...

...because drawing Muhammed is forbidden.

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Premature Ejaculation,,,

A man was having a problem with premature ejaculation, so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
...

Did you know that when you shoot different guns the smoke smells different?

For example a pistol won’t have a strong smell since it’s tiny.
An Assault rifle would smell like a lot of gun powder for how fast the bullets come out.
And apparently shotguns smell like teen spirit

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A rubber band pistol was confiscated during algebra class.

It was a weapon of math disruption.

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

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She kept busy

A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another man…
The dishonored husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily, "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other, gets her…"
The other man agreed to th...

My best Cowboy Joke

A cowboy is hitching his horse in front of the saloon when a man storms out with a pistol. The cowboy walks into the bar, past a barfly with a half-empty drink, orders a beer and asks the barfly

“Who’s the guy who just stormed out looking for trouble?”

The barfly responds “Oh him? That...

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A rookie hunter walks into a gun shop and asks the owner about the optimal modification for his pistol to better deal with brown bears.

With little hesitation the owner says to file down the front sights.

Intrigued the rookie asks how such a simple modification will help. The owner replies, "Well... It will hurt less when the bear shoves it up your ass."

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Gunfighter

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and tw...

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A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He tells the psychiatrist that he and his wife have been trying for years to achieve simultaneous orgasms.

The psychiatrist says to him, "Say no more, I have the solution." with that, he pulls out a starter pistol and hands it to the man.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" he asks.<...

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find...

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Teacher to class.

Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'Pistol' in it?

Sophie: "My daddy is a soldier,he has a suit of blue, he has a sword,

a bayonet and he has a pistol too."

Teacher: "Very good Sophie."

Johnny: " Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of...

So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday

So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber pistol for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws...

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A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a burden to some...

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Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood (LRRH) was traipsing through the forest on her way to Grandma's house when she met a woodcutter who was surprised to find her alone in the forest.

"LRRH!" he exclaimed. "What are you thinking? The Bid Bad Wolf (TBBW) will find you out here and when he does, you know h...

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol and I go to pay for the gun and the cashier stops me and says strip down facing me


Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed


When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how...

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A historian goes to Mexico to do research on Pancho Villa.

After a few weeks of going from village to village, getting 3rd and 4th hand stories, he meets a man who tells him, "Go talk to the old man at the end of the road. He knew Pancho Villa."

So the historian goes to meet the old man, who is well over 100 years old. He asks the old man, "I underst...

The Job Interview

Three men were sitting in the waiting room waiting to be interviewed. The first man was called in.
"Mr. Azarov, this is a job opening doing wetwork for the KGB. We need to test your loyalty and your determination. In the next room is your wife. Kill her."
The interviewer pushes a pistol ac...

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $300 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the immense happiness and relief I felt as he slid the pistol back into his waistband.

Asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She said, “I’d like a pistol. Maybe a Glock?”
She gave me a t-shirt with a target on it.

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