Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

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A black man was shot in my local town last night with a starting pistol

The police think the shooting was race related.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"

The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

How do you turn a pistol into a shotgun?

Just shoot it

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A man walks into a bank with a loaded pistol

He shouts, everybody down or I'll shoot. Everybody gets down except one lady who is pregnant, she says she cant because she is having triplets. The man again demands she gets kn the floor. Again she says she cant because she's having triplets. The man shoots her 3 times and runs out of the bank. The...

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Upon discovering that he lost WWII, hitler heads to his bunker and shoots himself with a pistol.

He feels himself ascending and a floaty feeling, and comes face to face with a glowing figure.
"Who the hell are you?" He asks.
"I'm an angel from heaven, mr Adolf!" Says the angel.
"Why am I in heaven? I've committed every single cardinal sin of the church!" exclaims Hitler.
"Well you'r...

Chuck Norris once killed 50 people with his pistol.

Then, he started shooting.

Did you hear about the t-rex who sells pistols?

He's a small arms dealer

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I cocked my pistol and asked my girlfriend, "Any last words?"

4 hours later, I shot her.

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You think you’re a true fan of the Sex Pistols?

Name two of their albums.

My pistol saved my life from a Bear attack!

I was out with my girlfriend in the woods the other day, and suddenly a bear started running towards us. Luckily i had my trusty Colt on my side. I shot my girlfriend in the leg and i survived by running away. Thanks Colt for saving my life!

How do you survive a grizzly bear attack with only a .22 pistol?

Shoot your hiking partner in the leg.

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A guy with 9 mm pistol in both his hand walked into a bar....

*guy: "So I got 9 in the clip and 1 in the chamber, who is the son of a bitch that is fucking my wife??!!!"

*guy in the back: "you gonna need more ammo than that"

When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

I started carrying a pistol after an attempted mugging last week.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday

So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber pistol for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws...

To settle their differences, Jesus and Muhammed agree to pistols at dawn, Jesus wins...

...because drawing Muhammed is forbidden.

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A hunter shoots a bear in the ass with a pistol...

The bear, feeling the sting in his ass, turns towards the hunter runs down the hill and pins the hunter down. The bear says "since you shot me in the ass, I'm going to screw you in the ass..."

The hunter, not wanting to die, agrees - pulls his pants down and allows the bear to have its way wi...

I stole a pistol made from gelatin the other day...

I was arrested for having a congealed weapon.

Woman & Alligator & Small Pistol - A Miracle

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What’s the smallest caliber you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire. Here’s her story in her own words.

"While out walking along the edge...

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Man goes to the doctors

he's having problems with premature ejaculation, the Doc says when you feel yourself coming you have to give yourself a fright and that will prolong ejaculation.

Two days later he is back in the doctors office and the Doc says how did it go?

Well, not to good, we were in the 69 positio...

A suicidal man walks into an engraver's with a pistol...

...and gives it to the proprietor, who asks, "What would you like me to put on it?"

"L'oréal," the man says.

The owner gives the guy a funny look. "Why the hell do you want *that* on a gun?"

Replies the suicidal man: "Because I'm worth it."

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

A man and his wife, in the desert...

They are both riding camels. His wife's camel suddenly stumbles, throwing her on the sand.
"That's one", she says.
Some time goes by, and the same event happens.
"That's two", she says.
After a while the camel stumbles again, but this time his wife gets her pistol out and shoots the came...

Grandmother's Pistol

My grandmother got pulled over for speeding. She rolled down her window and talked to the cop. He asked for her registration, and she said,
"Sure, i'll give it to you, but i want to warn you, I've got a Colt 45 in the glovebox."
As he reviewed her licence and reg, the cop asked her about any o...

Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with wate...

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'


''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about
my Mom.She was...

Why do gangsters hold their pistols sideways?

Because that's how it comes in the box :D

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
 

Wife : never

H : pistol, three letters
 

W : gun

H : disgust, three letters
 

W : ugh

H : charity, four letters
 

W : give

H : female sheep, three letters...

So, I'm on base when my sergeant calls me into his office.

He hands me the keys to his SUV and says "Look, I know it's not a new vehicle, but they recently stopped making this model. It's important to me that it not get damaged. I need you to take it and get it washed off-base." I'm taking the duty really seriously, but when I drive by the woods I see th...

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Aunt Carol

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking ...

Heard This Joke On Qi

Three candidates for a job as CIA hitman,
First one is told, “ your wife is tied to a chair in that room, you have to take this pistol and kill her”
After two minutes, he comes out the room saying “I couldn’t do it “. The trainer tells him “if you can’t kill your wife, you can’t be a CIA hit...

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Always been a family favourite.

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A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I am a panda, google me!”

Sure enough, panda : “A tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves...

My first joke - don't crucify me please

Mac decided to go to the shooting range with his friend. Having never shot a gun before, he is a little nervous that he'll embarrass himself by performing poorly at the range but his friend reassures him that he'll do alright. Once they arrive they make their way to the back where the instructor is ...

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Pancho Villa

So a man walks into a bar in Mexico and sees a picture of Pancho Villa hanging on the wall. He starts talking to a local bar fly and it turns out this man’s uncle had once met Pancho Villa!

“Once, when my uncle was a young boy, Pancho Villa came riding through his town. My uncle, who was yo...

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

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Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:

Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.

Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.

I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.

By William S...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded bar holding a pistol and yells “I have a 45 caliber colt 1911 with one in the chamber and I wanna know who’s been sleeping with my wife”.

A voice from the back of the room yells
“You’re going to need more ammo”

A Mexican, an Arab and a Redneck are at the same bar. (Offensive)

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws the glass in the air and shoots it with his pistol. He says, "In Mexico, glasses are so cheap that we don't have to drink from the same one twice. "

The Arab, impressed by this, grabbed his empty glass and threw it in the air, shortly before shoot...

A police officer candidate goes for an interview...

The officer says, "Take this pistol and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".

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Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?

In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloo...

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A USMC General, US Army General, USAF General and a Navy Admiral were arguing about which branch has the bravest servicemembers.

The Marine General trying to prove his men and women were the most brave said, “watch this” and commanded a nearby Marine Corporal to shoot himself in the head with his sidearm... the Corporal drew his pistol blew his head off and the Marine General said, “See, the Marines are the bravest.”

T...

My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76

Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.

Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.

I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded.

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A man was having premature ejaculation problems

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night...

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An Airman, Sailor, Marine, and an Army Ranger end up on an island full of cannibals. They were captured, blindfolded, and sent to the cannibal chief.

Mobile, so formatting. Here's a few different iterations of the joke.

The chief says, "Well, gentlemen, unfortunately for you, we are going to build canoes out of your skin. However, because you all are warriors, I will grant you the option to choose how you will die."

A

The ...

Some bar jokes

A snail crawls into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve your kind and tosses the snail out on the curb. 3 years later same snail crawls in and says "What the hell dude"

A Welsh, Englishman and Scot go into a bar and order 3 beers. Each of their glasses has a fly in it. The Englishman to...

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

The 2024 Olympics should be held in Chicago.

So they can figure out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

My trusty .22

People hate on a .22 all the time saying it's not enough power or not man enough. My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire .22 short. I've carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave home without it in my back pocket.

I remember one time while hik...

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A man is walking down a dark alley in Belfast...

...When suddenly, he hears the unmistakeable sound of an automatic pistol chambering a round, and someone puts a gun to his head.

The assailant says "Catholic or Protestant?"

Thinking quickly, the man says "I'm a Jew!"

And the voice behind him says "Faith and begorrah, aren't I ...

Its so cold outside today

I was mugged by a guy using a water pistol.

One night in Baghdad, an American, an Englishman and an Iraqi were sitting, chilling with cold beer in a night bar.

The American took his glass, drank the beer, threw the glass into the air, pulled his pistol, shot the glass, commenting that they have such cheap glasses in America that they do not have to drink from the same one twice.

The Englishman, impressed, grabs his glass and does the same thing as ...

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A man is down on his luck and decides to rob a bank

Having never done this before, he looks up how to go about it.

The internet lets him know he'll need a mask, a gun, and a note letting the teller know the situation.

He goes out and picks up a black ski mask, a pistol, and a piece of paper and a pen to write his note on.

When he...

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A man was walking down the street at night in Belfast, during the Troubles

While he's walking along, a masked gunman leaps out behind him, knocks him to the ground, and sticks a pistol in his face.

"What religion are you?" the gunman demands.

The man on the ground thinks fast- if he guesses Catholic or Protestant and gets it wrong, he's dead.

So he sho...

A man calls his home and his newly appointed butler picks up the phone...

Still a little nervous about his newly assigned duties, the butler answered nervously “Hello, who’s this?”

The man was a little frustrated with the butler’s lack of experience and so he replied impatiently “It’s your boss you idiot!”

Feeling guilty about not recognizing his own boss’s...

3 Secret Service agents are on their final day of training

They’re led into a darkened room. The commanding officer has them facing the opposite way of him. He walks up to the first potential agent from behind and speaks to his ear; loudly enough so all 3 can hear, but in a smooth, calculated tone, almost whispering:

“You’ve passed every test up to ...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get captured by a tribe of cannibals

The leader of the cannibals arrives, and says "Greetings, travelers. I'm sorry to tell you this, but since we have captured you, you must die. Furthermore, we must eat you, and make canoes out of your skins, in accordance with our traditions. However, we will be as humane as we can. We will allow yo...

A man looking to join the Texas sheriffs is being interviewed for the job

The deputy doing the interview says, "Well all of your referrences check out and your qualifications are good. The only thing left is to see how you do on the attitude test."

The deputy slides a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk. "Take this and go shoot 6 illegal Mexicans, 6 bl...

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

=

Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

=

The team lines up on the platform...

=

6 --
5 --
...

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DOOM

The police officer approaches me slowly, his hand on his pistol. “Sir, can you please come down from that tree?”

“Not a chance!”

He surveys the destruction all around us. “What happened here?”

I stare at the smoking remains of my house and mutter, “Doom.”

The Police offic...

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Three explorers

Here's one I heard years ago and haven't seen on here (you folks that live on reddit might have seen it though).


Three explorers (an Englishman, a Japanese, and an American) were captured by cannibals deep in the jungles of the Philippines.


"You are all trespassing on our lan...

A depressed old woman decides it's time to end it all..

so she purchases a pistol and decides she is going to shoot herself in the heart. However, wanting to make sure that death is quick, she visits her doctor to inquire the exact location of the heart. Her doctor informs her that the heart is located just under the left breast, after which she thanks h...

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Two friends are having their weekly beer in a bar NSFW

They talk about everything, so it's only a matter of time before one of them asks the other:

"So, how's the sex been lately?"

"Terrible" says the other. "Every time my wife and I hook up, she loses her attention!"

"Well," said the first guy, "I remember having that problem with...

A spy is captured by terrorists in a hostile country. [Long]

The terrorists lock him in a windowless room with a chair, a table, and five items on the table. The terrorist comes in and says that each day, the man may pick one of the items to be removed. On the last day, the terrorists will kill him with the remaining item. The spy looks at the table to see a ...

Parrots and Chickens

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One d...

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Three guys, a French, a Brit and a New Yorker, are stranded on an island, when...

...they are captured by a tribe of killers.

The chief of the tribe tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The French says, "Donnez-moi le poison." So th...

A man goes on his annual bear hunting trip to Canada...

The first year he goes with a small pistol as it's his first time. As he's walking through the forest he sees a bear, shoots at it and runs over to find the body when he gets over to where the bear should be there's no sign of the bear... then there's a tap on his shoulder and the bear bums him. ...

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The more you know...

It's high noon when a stranger rides into town. His ride is not a horse but an enormous bull, with horns that appear bloodstained. The stranger is a mountain of a man standing six foot eight inches tall, seven with hat on. He wore black leather from head to toe, with a pair of pistols on his belt...

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A cowboy walks into a saloon

Its empty but for the barkeep.

"Where is everyone?" cowboy asked

"They ran. Hiding. The black rider is coming" said the old man

"Why are they afraid of the black rider, whos he" puzzled cowboy asked

"He will kill any men, women and some say even children that he sees on...

I was hiking once with my girlfriend

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

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A man is having some trouble in bed...

... so he goes to see the doctor about it. The doctor does a full exam and pronounces that the man has premature ejaculation problems. To fix it, the doctor tells him to get something loud and surprising to stop it from happening.

The man goes to the local gun shop and decides that the best c...

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a burden to some...

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What a great gift - a Tazer

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary

submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for

a little something extra ...

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

A panda walks into a bar

Goes to the bar and orders some food, then sits down and eats. Once finished he stands up pulls out two pistols and shots the place up.
The barman having ducked behind the bar stands up and says
"Oi panda, what the hell are you doing?"
The panda stops at the door, turns around and says
...

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