So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...

The whole world should be worried if North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...

...because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

Did you hear about the failed Canadian plot to bomb Mexico with a nuclear missile?

It went south fast.

Today, in Hawaii, a missile wasn't fired

But someone sure will be...

Did you hear about the old intercontinental ballistic missile that couldn't get hard...

He had projectile dysfunction.

Why did North Korea's missile fail?

It had projectile disfunction.

Missiles

They don't sound very accurate

What do a missile silo and an Alaskan outhouse have in common?

They both contain IC BMs.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

North Korea's long range missiles don't reach that far

North Korean missiles can now reach mainland U.S.A...

WE WILL BUILD A ROOF! AND N. KOREA'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT! SAD!

I got an emergency alert about an incoming missile on my phone today.

When I got it I went intercontinentally ballistic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kin jong un points missiles to the whole world

His instructor said that if he wanted to destroy the UK he just need to press the blue button, and the UK is gone.

Kim Jong in then asks: but what if I want to destroy the rest of the world?

For Which the instructor replies:you just need to press this yellow button, and the world is g...

What did Donald Trump say to the nuclear missiles?

You're fired.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend and I were in Hawaii, we both got messages saying ballistic missiles were closing in on us, and thought we had minutes to live.

I asked "What are you going to do?" He said "I'm fucking the first thing that moves. What are you going to do?" I said "Try to stay perfectly still".

Britain has invented a new missile

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

What is the best Donald Trump joke you've heard?

Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes:

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

So he a...

I think we really need to lay off North Korea over their failed missile tests...

I think they're developing projectile dysfunction :(

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A japanese pilot was getting ready for war.

He approached his commander, and asked what will be loaded into his plane.

The commander said 'Your plane will be equipped with 20 missiles to fire at ground troops'.

The pilot replied 'That's a bit much. I don't think I'll need all 21 bombs'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What didn't the Japanese understand nuclear missile technology?

It was a little over their heads

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two missiles

North Korean and American nuclear missiles meet in the air, going in opposite directions, obviously.

"How's things in your homeland?" Asks American missile.

"Ah, it's awful. The fuel is shitty, the Uranium is barely enriched, and the ground crews don't do any maintenance at all."
...

Why was a missile looking for a job?

Because it got fired!

Why did the Soviets pull their missiles out?

Because they feared a premature ejectulation

What’s it called when someone from the Caribbean has erectile dysfunction?

A Cuban missile crisis.

back in '02 a general came to George W and informed him that we accidentally dropped a missile in the wrong area and it killed 3 Brazilian men...

Dubya looked VERY distraught and looked over at Condoleezza Rice and asked, "exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

Why did Kim Jong Un Instagram his missile?

It was the only way he could send it.

Pakistan has shot down 2 Indian Jet fighters.

Using sophisticated Sikh - Heating missiles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

North Korea has lowered its missile back down after pointing it up for a few hours.

Turns out Viagra and MSG make for bad rocket fuel.

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven...

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Did Bush do 9/11?"

God replies, "Bush did not plan the attacks. 9/11 was perpetrated...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

How do you transport large munitions around Christmas time?

A missile tow.

Two Aliens

2 aliens are talking in outer space, looking down on Earth.

"It seems the inhabitants of planet Earth have created nuclear technology and missiles" says one alien

"are they showing signs of intelligence?" asks the other

"I dont think so. They seem to be aiming at themselves"

What do you call a bomb made of cows

A mooclear missile

What would be a tragedy?

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his ‘intelligence’.
The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.
Trump decided to help the childr...

I've invented a rocket that intercepts incoming warheads by consuming them.

It's a cannibalistic missile.

Trump Today

Trump Today:

Missile #1: "You're fired!"

Missile #2: "You're fired!"

Missile #3: "You're fired!"

And so on 56 more times.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe.

Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un Rocket Man, when Christmas comes along..

he can call him missile toe.

Joke originally told by my coworker today, who is a master of puns.

A 1st Sergeant, Lieutenant, and Private are on a plane.

The three are traveling into enemy territory when suddenly, their plane is struck by a missile. They lose power in both engines, and it's obvious the plane is going to crash.

Quickly looking around, the 1st Sergeant finds two parachutes. At this time, the soldiers need to figure out whose get...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five American explorers and best friends just found an old, abandoned Communist bunker.

When they got inside it, they saw a closed gate with what seemed like a treasure behind it. The gate could only be opened by teamwork and unity - the Communist way. There were four swithes on the gate, and one on the ground, and to reach it you needed to lean.

Luckily, one of the Americans h...

I liked it better when Donald Trump used to say "you're fired" to people

instead of to inter-continental ballistic missiles.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape Kim Jong Un's ballistic missile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

What is the only way to stop Donald Trump?

A Cruz missile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Snail

Two nations get into a pissing contest, each boasting it's military might. A third nation notices them, and being fed up, challenges them. Whoever wins this secret challenge will be known as the greatest nation.
Willing to show off around the world, the two powerful nations agree.
The leade...

Here's a Russian Joke I liked... that doesn't have any swears

The Year is 1973... and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other's destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other's allies...



Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others pa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 3rd grade teacher asked her students to tell a story with a moral...

... John volunteers first and says, "One time I was picking eggs from the hen house and stuffed them all up into one basket. When I was walking back inside I tripped and almost half the eggs fell out and broke. The moral of the story is: don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Good", said th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Is funny because joke does not work in Russian.

Guy is loading missile onto truck at silo in Siberia sometime in middle of night. He stops to take shit in freezing cold.

Next day, investigator leans over shit and says "It would appear thief took *two* ICBM"

Russian news report from 1960's

China has escalated the Far East conflict once again. This morning at 09-00 hours, a Chinese fighter jet opened fire on a Russian tractor that was peacefully ploughing the fields.

Eyewitnesses report the tractor returned fire with anti-air missiles, performed vertical takeoff, and flew off o...

What's the difference between CNN and Al Jazeera?

CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al Jazeera shows them landing.

The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

What's the difference between CNN and Al-Jazeera?

CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al-Jazeera shows them landing.

(Not mine, just heard it on the Jimmy Dore show)

also

"My favorite indie band is palestinian. I think they're really going to blow up."