What do you call a rocket which eats other rockets?

A cannibalistic missile.

The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York…

Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere!

What do my jokes and Kim Jong Un's missiles have in common?

They don't blow up.....

What do you call a missile programmed only to track and fire at Arabs?

A heat-Sheiking missile.

What's a similarity between babies and missiles?

Both make loud noises when launched in the air

So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...

A sailor is newly stationed on a submarine. He arrives to find all the other sailors at their posts performing different tasks. One is scrubbing the floor. One is restocking the shelves. One is inspecting the missiles. Etc., etc.

After 15 minutes, all the sailors switch posts/jobs. After another 15 minutes, they all switch again. Happens a third time 15 minutes later. This behavior is so odd, the sailor asks his commanding officer: “is this some kind of unique practical joke you’re playing on the new guy?”

“No,” r...

Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have missiles being fired Un-supervised.

A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????

General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..

Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

Why did the chicken cross the road?

North Korea's long range missiles don't reach that far

Trump jokes trump all the time

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One...

What do a missile silo and an Alaskan outhouse have in common?

They both contain IC BMs.

Did you hear about the failed Canadian plot to bomb Mexico with a nuclear missile?

It went south fast.

Missiles

They don't sound very accurate

Today, in Hawaii, a missile wasn't fired

But someone sure will be...

Did you hear about the old intercontinental ballistic missile that couldn't get hard...

He had projectile dysfunction.

North Korean missiles can now reach mainland U.S.A...

WE WILL BUILD A ROOF! AND N. KOREA'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT! SAD!

I got an emergency alert about an incoming missile on my phone today.

When I got it I went intercontinentally ballistic.

What did Donald Trump say to the nuclear missiles?

You're fired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend and I were in Hawaii, we both got messages saying ballistic missiles were closing in on us, and thought we had minutes to live.

I asked "What are you going to do?" He said "I'm fucking the first thing that moves. What are you going to do?" I said "Try to stay perfectly still".

Britain has invented a new missile

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two missiles

North Korean and American nuclear missiles meet in the air, going in opposite directions, obviously.

"How's things in your homeland?" Asks American missile.

"Ah, it's awful. The fuel is shitty, the Uranium is barely enriched, and the ground crews don't do any maintenance at all."
...

I think we really need to lay off North Korea over their failed missile tests...

I think they're developing projectile dysfunction :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale Of The Two Ravens

Once upon a time there was a raven sitting on a nice, solid branch of a big oak, allowing the bird to have a great view over the fields beneath him. The raven didn't do much, he was simply sitting on his ass. After some time another raven spotted the solid branch and the first raven and decided to s...

Why was a missile looking for a job?

Because it got fired!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What didn't the Japanese understand nuclear missile technology?

It was a little over their heads

Why did Kim Jong Un Instagram his missile?

It was the only way he could send it.

back in '02 a general came to George W and informed him that we accidentally dropped a missile in the wrong area and it killed 3 Brazilian men...

Dubya looked VERY distraught and looked over at Condoleezza Rice and asked, "exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

North Korea has lowered its missile back down after pointing it up for a few hours.

Turns out Viagra and MSG make for bad rocket fuel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A japanese pilot was getting ready for war.

He approached his commander, and asked what will be loaded into his plane.

The commander said 'Your plane will be equipped with 20 missiles to fire at ground troops'.

The pilot replied 'That's a bit much. I don't think I'll need all 21 bombs'.

Pakistan has shot down 2 Indian Jet fighters.

Using sophisticated Sikh - Heating missiles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven...

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Did Bush do 9/11?"

God replies, "Bush did not plan the attacks. 9/11 was perpetrated...

What would be a tragedy?

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his ‘intelligence’.
The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.
Trump decided to help the childr...

How do you transport large munitions around Christmas time?

A missile tow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

Two Aliens

2 aliens are talking in outer space, looking down on Earth.

"It seems the inhabitants of planet Earth have created nuclear technology and missiles" says one alien

"are they showing signs of intelligence?" asks the other

"I dont think so. They seem to be aiming at themselves"

Trump Today

Trump Today:

Missile #1: "You're fired!"

Missile #2: "You're fired!"

Missile #3: "You're fired!"

And so on 56 more times.

I've invented a rocket that intercepts incoming warheads by consuming them.

It's a cannibalistic missile.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe.

Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un Rocket Man, when Christmas comes along..

he can call him missile toe.

Joke originally told by my coworker today, who is a master of puns.

What do you call a bomb made of cows

A mooclear missile

A 1st Sergeant, Lieutenant, and Private are on a plane.

The three are traveling into enemy territory when suddenly, their plane is struck by a missile. They lose power in both engines, and it's obvious the plane is going to crash.

Quickly looking around, the 1st Sergeant finds two parachutes. At this time, the soldiers need to figure out whose get...

I liked it better when Donald Trump used to say "you're fired" to people

instead of to inter-continental ballistic missiles.

What is the only way to stop Donald Trump?

A Cruz missile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape Kim Jong Un's ballistic missile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Snail

Two nations get into a pissing contest, each boasting it's military might. A third nation notices them, and being fed up, challenges them. Whoever wins this secret challenge will be known as the greatest nation.
Willing to show off around the world, the two powerful nations agree.
The leade...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 3rd grade teacher asked her students to tell a story with a moral...

... John volunteers first and says, "One time I was picking eggs from the hen house and stuffed them all up into one basket. When I was walking back inside I tripped and almost half the eggs fell out and broke. The moral of the story is: don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Good", said th...

Here's a Russian Joke I liked... that doesn't have any swears

The Year is 1973... and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other's destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other's allies...



Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is funny because joke does not work in Russian.

Guy is loading missile onto truck at silo in Siberia sometime in middle of night. He stops to take shit in freezing cold.

Next day, investigator leans over shit and says "It would appear thief took *two* ICBM"

Russian news report from 1960's

China has escalated the Far East conflict once again. This morning at 09-00 hours, a Chinese fighter jet opened fire on a Russian tractor that was peacefully ploughing the fields.

Eyewitnesses report the tractor returned fire with anti-air missiles, performed vertical takeoff, and flew off o...

What's the difference between CNN and Al Jazeera?

CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al Jazeera shows them landing.

The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

What's the difference between CNN and Al-Jazeera?

CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al-Jazeera shows them landing.

(Not mine, just heard it on the Jimmy Dore show)

also

"My favorite indie band is palestinian. I think they're really going to blow up."

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