Missile Jokes - 77 Hilarious Missile Jokes

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Old Soviet joke about two missiles

So USSR and the US finally go to nuclear war. They each fire a missile at each other to while the other out. The two missiles meet each other over half way to their destination.

"Comrade US missile", the USSR one says, "We are about to kill millions of people, let's stop and have a drink."...

Britain has invented a new missile

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon

Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

What did the hungry missile say?

When is launch at?

What’s one thing a homing missile can’t kill

An orphan

i came up with this one and i think its a little silly. what do you call it when a missile fails to reach it’s destination?

projectile dysfunction

The whole world should be worried if North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...

...because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

"Here comes a Sikh-heating missile!"

I say to my mate Gurinder with a grin, as I throw him his beanie and gloves.

Suddenly I find myself floored, nursing a black eye.

...

It was a pun jab.

Today, in Hawaii, a missile wasn't fired

But someone sure will be...

How the Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Came To Be

One night the great rocket scientist Werhner Von Braun was walking home in a nasty, freezing show storm, when nature called upon him quite suddenly.

After doing his business he stood up and looked down upon the result, at which he was heard to remark "Good heavens, that's one icy BM..."

The military has invented a new missile that turns everything in its vicinity to gold

They’re calling it the Automic bomb

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Putin has started to launch missile attacks from submarines off the coast of an East African archipelago

He shells Seychelles by the seashore

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right...

I read about a feudal uprising where a duke's son was killed by rebels.

They used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordinance: a peasant's decapitated head.

It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

What do you call a missile programmed only to track and fire at Arabs?

A heat-Sheiking missile.

Did you hear about that hotel built into an old missile silo?

I've been told they offer a complimentary intercontinental breakfast.

Where are the Super Duper Missile Project offices located?

Right next door to the The Ministry of Silly Walks of course.

What do a missile silo and an Alaskan outhouse have in common?

They both contain IC BMs.

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Two missiles

North Korean and American nuclear missiles meet in the air, going in opposite directions, obviously.

"How's things in your homeland?" Asks American missile.

"Ah, it's awful. The fuel is shitty, the Uranium is barely enriched, and the ground crews don't do any maintenance at all."
...

Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have missiles being fired Un-supervised.

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What didn't the Japanese understand nuclear missile technology?

It was a little over their heads

3 men are bragging about their countries

The American speaks first.

"Our missiles are so advanced that they cannot be detected by radar!"

"Ha," said the Russian. "Our missiles are so powerful that they can level Washington in 1 hit!"

"That's nothing," said the German. "Our missiles can hit Paris before France surrender...

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My friend and I were in Hawaii, we both got messages saying ballistic missiles were closing in on us, and thought we had minutes to live.

I asked "What are you going to do?" He said "I'm fucking the first thing that moves. What are you going to do?" I said "Try to stay perfectly still".

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Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

A new United Nations missile technician in training reports to his first station.

He was surprised to see that there were many top secret weapons there but this was to be expected.

He also took note of the fact that there was a powerful missile at the rear of each base.

He was generally a very curious person so he decided to ask his boss about the missile.

Hi...

Why was a missile looking for a job?

Because it got fired!

Why did Kim Jong Un Instagram his missile?

It was the only way he could send it.

Did you hear about the old intercontinental ballistic missile that couldn't get hard...

He had projectile dysfunction.

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A local joke from my country

So Bill works for the secret services and gets sent to Russia to spy on them. Eventually he got caught and the russians start torturing him in order to get the nuclear missile codes of Bill’s country. Bill shows incredible strength and integrity and doesn’t say a word. The russians are impressed wit...

Calling a friend in Ukraine

“Hi, what is going on ?:”

“Well, Russia is in war with NATO here.”

“And how does it look like ?”

“Russia lost a missile cruiser, over 600 tanks, 25000 soldiers.”

“And NATO ?”

“Did not arrive yet.”

I just read a Pirates of the Caribbean story where Jack Sparrow had missile launchers on his ship.

It was non-cannon

Did you hear about the failed Canadian plot to bomb Mexico with a nuclear missile?

It went south fast.

I got an emergency alert about an incoming missile on my phone today.

When I got it I went intercontinentally ballistic.

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven...

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Did Bush do 9/11?"

God replies, "Bush did not plan the attacks. 9/11 was perpetrated...

Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????

General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..

Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...

I think we really need to lay off North Korea over their failed missile tests...

I think they're developing projectile dysfunction :(

Radio Yerevan was asked

Radio Yerevan was asked: the western puppet Zelensky and his military still resisting in Ukraine armed themselves with anti tank missiles provided by western nations. How is our army dealing with those missiles?

Radio Yerevan answers: No need to worry. Our ingenious army commanders came up w...

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North Korea has lowered its missile back down after pointing it up for a few hours.

Turns out Viagra and MSG make for bad rocket fuel.

What's the difference between a war drone and a commercial plane?

I dunno man, I just operate the missiles

North Korean missiles can now reach mainland U.S.A...

WE WILL BUILD A ROOF! AND N. KOREA'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT! SAD!

Trump Today

Trump Today:

Missile #1: "You're fired!"

Missile #2: "You're fired!"

Missile #3: "You're fired!"

And so on 56 more times.

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian defence minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet defence minister, was quite embarrassed about the scorecard from L...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea's long range missiles can't reach that far

Don't ask a guy his height

Don't ask a girl her age, and whatever you do, don't ask a Ukrainian farmer how he got his surface-to-air missile system.

Three guys are flying in a plane, and it starts to go down.

They all run to the door. The first guy fires 3 arrows, the second 3 bullets, and the third 3 missiles. Then they jump and parachute down into the jungle below.

Upon landing, they decide to walk their way out. They come to a clearing, where a little girl sits on a rock, crying. The first guy...

What do you get when an attractive American woman walks into a room full of Cubans?

A Cuban Missile Crisis

Pakistan has shot down 2 Indian Jet fighters.

Using sophisticated Sikh - Heating missiles.

Excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle

I’ve just been reading an excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle linked to a medieval siege. One of the burials was, from the skeletal analysis, a high status individual, but with the strange feature of having a skull embedded in the torso, this being of a lower status person. A careful rea...

back in '02 a general came to George W and informed him that we accidentally dropped a missile in the wrong area and it killed 3 Brazilian men...

Dubya looked VERY distraught and looked over at Condoleezza Rice and asked, "exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

What do you get when you cross a dog and some explosives?

A treat seeking missile.

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

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who called it penis

and not ball-istic missile

How do reindeer fly?

They use their Missile-toes.

(courtesy of my ten year old this morning lol)

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About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

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A President walks into a classroom.

In the classroom, they are discussing some words and what they mean.

The teacher asks the president to help them discuss the word "tragedy".

The president then chimes into their discussion, saying, "Alright class. Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A girl raises her hand and a...

Putin gets interviewed about the sinking of the Moskva

Vladimir Putin:] It’s a great pleasure, thank you.

[Interviewer:] This ship that was involved in the incident off Crimea this week…

[Vladimir Putin:] Yeah, the one the magazine detonated?

[Interviewer:] Yeah

[Vladimir Putin:] That’s not very typical, I’d like to make that...

What is Jeffrey Epstein’s favorite killstreak in Call of Duty?

The Predator Missile.

Here's a Russian Joke I liked... that doesn't have any swears

The Year is 1973... and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other's destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other's allies...

Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others pa...

Where do you file uncategorized rocket items?

Under missile-enious.

I've invented a rocket that intercepts incoming warheads by consuming them.

It's a cannibalistic missile.

What do you call a bomb made of cows

A mooclear missile

How do you transport large munitions around Christmas time?

A missile tow.

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*Y...

What is the only way to stop Donald Trump?

A Cruz missile.

An unidentified aircraft gets intercepted by the French Air Force

The French Air Force calls the aircraft- "AIRCRAFT 20 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND IMMEDIATELY"

No response.

They call again-
"AIRCRAFT 22 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND NOW OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO SH...

I liked it better when Donald Trump used to say "you're fired" to people

instead of to inter-continental ballistic missiles.

Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un Rocket Man, when Christmas comes along..

he can call him missile toe.

Joke originally told by my coworker today, who is a master of puns.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape Kim Jong Un's ballistic missile.

A man goes to a golf course and tells the club pro he's taught a gorilla to play golf.

The club pro is understandably skeptical, until he glances outside and sees a gorilla holding a golf club.

"The way he drives the ball," the man says, mimicking a huge swing. "Just amazing."

"I'll believe it when I see it," the pro replies.

The man tells the pro, "I'll bet you f...

What would be a tragedy?

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his ‘intelligence’.
The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.
Trump decided to help the childr...

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

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