Why did the United States send missiles to me after asking me not to leave?

Because I ran.

The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York…

Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere!

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have missiles being fired Un-supervised.

A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????

General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..

Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

What do you call a missile programmed only to track and fire at Arabs?

A heat-Sheiking missile.

Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

What's the difference between a war drone and a commercial plane?

I dunno man, I just operate the missiles

What's a similarity between babies and missiles?

Both make loud noises when launched in the air

So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...

How do reindeer fly?

They use their Missile-toes.

(courtesy of my ten year old this morning lol)

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "*YOU* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 war planes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! ...

Missiles

They don't sound very accurate

Today, in Hawaii, a missile wasn't fired

But someone sure will be...

What do a missile silo and an Alaskan outhouse have in common?

They both contain IC BMs.

What do you call a rocket which eats other rockets?

A cannibalistic missile.

An old joke I heard from an Israeli fighter pilot...

According to him, flight school is hard. Most recruits wash out early. Some... Not so early. The training lasts years, and you can wash out at any time.

It was the last day of training, right before graduation, when the news came down, one of the cadets was being kicked out.

By this ...

Why did Santa Claus shoes break?

...because he had so many missile toes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend and I were in Hawaii, we both got messages saying ballistic missiles were closing in on us, and thought we had minutes to live.

I asked "What are you going to do?" He said "I'm fucking the first thing that moves. What are you going to do?" I said "Try to stay perfectly still".

Did you hear about the old intercontinental ballistic missile that couldn't get hard...

He had projectile dysfunction.

Where do you file uncategorized rocket items?

Under missile-enious.

North Korean missiles can now reach mainland U.S.A...

WE WILL BUILD A ROOF! AND N. KOREA'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT! SAD!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale Of The Two Ravens

Once upon a time there was a raven sitting on a nice, solid branch of a big oak, allowing the bird to have a great view over the fields beneath him. The raven didn't do much, he was simply sitting on his ass. After some time another raven spotted the solid branch and the first raven and decided to s...

Britain has invented a new missile

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

I got an emergency alert about an incoming missile on my phone today.

When I got it I went intercontinentally ballistic.

I think we really need to lay off North Korea over their failed missile tests...

I think they're developing projectile dysfunction :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seaman Jack

Seaman Jack joined the navy. When he was little he wanted to become a carrier pilot, then when he was a teenager he figured maybe he was only good for a rear admiral serving on a missile destroyer, and when he barely graduated high school, he decided well maybe he'll just be a sailor.

And the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A japanese pilot was getting ready for war.

He approached his commander, and asked what will be loaded into his plane.

The commander said 'Your plane will be equipped with 20 missiles to fire at ground troops'.

The pilot replied 'That's a bit much. I don't think I'll need all 21 bombs'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What didn't the Japanese understand nuclear missile technology?

It was a little over their heads

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

Why was a missile looking for a job?

Because it got fired!

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven...

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Did Bush do 9/11?"

God replies, "Bush did not plan the attacks. 9/11 was perpetrated...

Pakistan has shot down 2 Indian Jet fighters.

Using sophisticated Sikh - Heating missiles.

Why did Kim Jong Un Instagram his missile?

It was the only way he could send it.

What would be a tragedy?

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his ‘intelligence’.
The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.
Trump decided to help the childr...

back in '02 a general came to George W and informed him that we accidentally dropped a missile in the wrong area and it killed 3 Brazilian men...

Dubya looked VERY distraught and looked over at Condoleezza Rice and asked, "exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea’s long-range missiles don’t go that far

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

A U.S. warship is conducting war exercises off the coast of N. Korea

The captain accidentally launches a live cruise missile at N. Korea. The missile strikes Pyongyang and kills Kim Jong Un. The captain goes on trial and is found guilty. President Trump attends the sentencing hearing due to its importance. The captain begs Trump for a pardon explaining that he killed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

North Korea has lowered its missile back down after pointing it up for a few hours.

Turns out Viagra and MSG make for bad rocket fuel.

Two Aliens

2 aliens are talking in outer space, looking down on Earth.

"It seems the inhabitants of planet Earth have created nuclear technology and missiles" says one alien

"are they showing signs of intelligence?" asks the other

"I dont think so. They seem to be aiming at themselves"

How do you transport large munitions around Christmas time?

A missile tow.

What do you call a bomb made of cows

A mooclear missile

Trump Today

Trump Today:

Missile #1: "You're fired!"

Missile #2: "You're fired!"

Missile #3: "You're fired!"

And so on 56 more times.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe.

I've invented a rocket that intercepts incoming warheads by consuming them.

It's a cannibalistic missile.

Since Trump nicknamed Kim Jun-Un Rocket Man, when Christmas comes along..

he can call him missile toe.

Joke originally told by my coworker today, who is a master of puns.

A 1st Sergeant, Lieutenant, and Private are on a plane.

The three are traveling into enemy territory when suddenly, their plane is struck by a missile. They lose power in both engines, and it's obvious the plane is going to crash.

Quickly looking around, the 1st Sergeant finds two parachutes. At this time, the soldiers need to figure out whose get...

I liked it better when Donald Trump used to say "you're fired" to people

instead of to inter-continental ballistic missiles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

What is the only way to stop Donald Trump?

A Cruz missile.

Trump and Putin sit down for a game

Putin offers Trump to play a game.
-Lets say something and guess if its true or false.I'll start.I have submarines in the chinese sea.Truth or False?

Trump replies-False!

-Nope,Truth!1-0.Your turn.

-Trump thinks and says-I have missiles aimed at Russia,ready to launch!Truth o...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape Kim Jong Un's ballistic missile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Snail

Two nations get into a pissing contest, each boasting it's military might. A third nation notices them, and being fed up, challenges them. Whoever wins this secret challenge will be known as the greatest nation.
Willing to show off around the world, the two powerful nations agree.
The leade...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 3rd grade teacher asked her students to tell a story with a moral...

... John volunteers first and says, "One time I was picking eggs from the hen house and stuffed them all up into one basket. When I was walking back inside I tripped and almost half the eggs fell out and broke. The moral of the story is: don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Good", said th...

Here's a Russian Joke I liked... that doesn't have any swears

The Year is 1973... and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other's destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other's allies...



Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is funny because joke does not work in Russian.

Guy is loading missile onto truck at silo in Siberia sometime in middle of night. He stops to take shit in freezing cold.

Next day, investigator leans over shit and says "It would appear thief took *two* ICBM"

An American, a German, and a Chinese man were all arguing over their drinks about whose country was the best.

An American, a German, and a Chinese man were all arguing over their drinks about whose country was the best.

The American started things off. "America invented the atomic bomb, discovered DNA, made the Internet, and went to the Moon. Without us, none of those things would have happened."
...

Russian news report from 1960's

China has escalated the Far East conflict once again. This morning at 09-00 hours, a Chinese fighter jet opened fire on a Russian tractor that was peacefully ploughing the fields.

Eyewitnesses report the tractor returned fire with anti-air missiles, performed vertical takeoff, and flew off o...

What's the difference between CNN and Al Jazeera?

CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al Jazeera shows them landing.

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