The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

Why is the w silent in sword but not in swore?

because you got the d out of your mouth

What’s the quickest way to earn karma using your sword-fighting abilities?

Riposte

What did the neckbeard name his samurai sword?

M'Bladey

Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

3 knights walk into a bar with their swords.

The bartender sees them walk in and asks, “why are you taking your swords in here with you?”

The knights say, “in case of mimics.”

The knights laugh, the bartender laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table.

Why don't we use swords anymore?

Aren't they still cutting edge technology?

I would post a joke about sword fighting

But it's a riposte

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

The Sword in the Stone is a tale of legend. Only the true King could remove the sword. All that failed did so for one reason.

They did not have arthurization.

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An old Japanese sword smith meets his three sons at a shrine, and explains his final wish.

"I refuse to die until I am a great-grand father." He says. "Until you all three of you have given me a great-grand child, I will live on. When each of you grant me this, I will give you all a sword, each matching your personalities." After I give you the swords, I will die.

The child of the ...

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

What do you get when your lovers soul is permanently stuck in a sword?

A bae-blade

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

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A Japanese sword master is demonstrating a new move to his students.

"There is fly in room", he says, "I will now put on blindfold and slash it with sword".

As his students watch on, he suddenly performs one swift stroke of his blade, takes off his blindfold and bows to his students.

"I'm confused", says one of his students, "Fly is still buzzing around...

Abortion is like a double edged sword for me

I like the ides of killing babies but I don't like the idea of giving women a choice

My friend gave a presentation trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

The crowd was tense with excitement as the final three Samurai faced off;

After a long day of competing it was the final round of competition to find who was indeed the master swordsman.

In a final challenge the three men had to show their prowess and concentration by slicing the finest of targets, a mere fly.

The first Samurai steps up to the stage a fly is...

The Navy captain was approached by his lieutenant.

“Captain! There is an enemy ship incoming! They are armed with cannons and a hundred men with muskets and swords!”

“Very well,” said the Captain. “Fetch me my red shirt.”

“Why your red shirt, sir?”

“Because if I am wounded in the fight, the blood will be hidden by the shirt, a...

I was taught in my Journalism class that "Pen is mightier than Sword" and I believed it

But after watching John Wick, I realized it's "Pencil that's mightier than the Sword"

Why do sword fighters have a high karma rating on reddit?

They have been trained to riposte.

What do you call a gun that shoots swords?

The Excaliber

The Hero: I'm on a quest to avenge the death of my Father!

The Paladin: You have my sword!

The Elf: And my bow!

The Dwarf: And my axe!

The Necromancer: And your father!

What do you say to a blacksmith who's angry about breaking his sword

Ooh, temper temper!

what happens when two Samurai got into and argument

it might take a while but they will sword things out eventually.

I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

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A dragon appears and burns down a village...

...so the inhabitants of the another village across the river plead with Sir Roland, a mighty knight, to come and slay the beast.

Sir Roland dons his best plate, arms himself with his finest weapons, and rides out to battle the dragon. He comes to the area where the beast was last seen, and f...

I was going to buy an invisible sword...

But I don't see the point.

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

An Englishman, a Russian and a Greek guy are on the same flight, sitting next to eachother

When they are flying over England, the Englishman says, "England is the best country, check out how well they handle this." he drops a sword out of the window.

When they are flying over Russia, the Russian says, "Mother Russia is the best country, look how efficiently we deal with this." he ...

A joke I translated from Russian

A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Rob...

I didn't want to take advice from a sword salesman at the carnival...

...but he made some fair points.

I'm not quitting sword fighting because I'm hopeless at it.

I have to quit due to medical reasons.

I keep getting this sharp, stabbing pain.

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword?

One's a little rapier...

So, Pokemon "Sword and Shield" came out today

The Sword is for cutting Pokemon from the game and the Shield is for defending against criticism

What did the knight say to the trainee who broke the blade off his sword?

You need to get a handle on that.

Did you guys see Eevee's new flying-type evolution in Sword and Shield?

It's called Pigeon.

The pen is mightier than the sword...

And considerably easier to write with.

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American wash up on an island inhabited by cannibals...

They are quickly captured and imprisoned. At dawn on the first day, the chief of the cannibals has the Englishman brought to him and says "We are going to cook you and eat you, and make a canoe out of your skin. But because I am a generous chief, you may choose how to die."

The Englishman say...

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It was a man’s first day on a pirate ship.

He noticed the captain had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.

The man was curious so he asked the captain how he lost his leg.

The captain responded, “Arrrrr, a shark bit me leg off.”

The man asked how he lost his hand. “Arrrr, I lost me hand in a sword f...

Two skeletons are fighting to the death. One falls down, and the other stands proudly before his fallen foe, with his magestic sword in hand.

The fallen skeleton grins and yells: "You won't finish me. You don't have the guts to do it."

Blacksmith: "I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks."

Sword: "Hit me more!"

A pirate with a peg leg, eye patch, and a hook hand walks into a bar and sits down beside a curious patron

They begin a conversation and the patron asks

"How did you get the peg leg?"

Pirate says "several years ago me first mate led a mutiny against me! Me whole crew threw me overboard and a shark came and tore me leg right off. Several hours later I got lucky and found a passing vessel to ...

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An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce...

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A sailor walks into a bar

The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"

And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."

"Why do you have that hook?"

"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."

"And the eye patch?"

"I l...

My wife asked me how Wonder Woman got her new sword in the Justice League movie...

I told her that she must have Amazon Prime

Show me the way of sword fencing!

Hi, I am from the sword fencing team! Everyone told me to come here because you guys are the masters of riposting.

Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

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What do you call something that’s more sexual than a sword?

rapier.

My friend told me being a mixed kid is a double edged sword.

He says he can run really fast and rap to any beat, but he can't swim or jump.

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There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and Moishe. So he interviewed all three.

The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.

The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate...

Nintendo just announced they're changing Pokemon Sword & Shield to Pokemon Circle & Oval

After Game Freak decided to cut every corner.

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A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

My husband and daughter start using French bread as swords

I say, “You shouldn’t do that! Violence baguettes violence.”

Why wasn’t the director allowed to use a sword as a prop in his film adaption of a artillery book?

It wasn’t cannon

Why did the pirate only use his swords on women?

Because they were cutlasses, not cutlads.

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A pirate walks into a bar

The bartender notices the pirate has a peg leg.

Bartender: Wow! What happened to your leg?

Pirate: We was in a fight on the high seas and there ‘‘twas a cannonball shot into it. They had to amputate me leg.

The bartender then notices a hook on one of his arms.

Bartender: ...

What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?

A worrier.

If someone makes a joke about swords and someone else copies it...

Does that make it a *riposte?*

Two Mexicans had a sword fight. The winner raised his sword and said

"There can only be Juan."

A ninja is getting ready to fight a samurai

The ninjas friend asks him "do you really think you can kill him without a sword?"

"Sure-i-can"

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

I was the comedic host at a banquet for sword swallowers when a food fight broke out...

I killed!

Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...

As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.

The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on....

Sword swallower found dead

The police suspect it's an inside job

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I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

What kind of sword does a dueling priest wield?

A Rapier

A sword master was administering his final test to his students.

He called forth his first student and released a fly. The student swung his sword and the fly fell in half, split down the middle.

He called forth the second student and release a fly. The student slashed his sword and the fly fell apart, split top and bottom.

He called forth his fina...

Son: Dad, if the blacksmith forges the sword, who sells it?

Dad: That's easy son. Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

Why did the sword’s wife leave him?

He had quite the temper.

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Owning a sword is like being a horny priest...

Owning a sword is like being a horny priest, even though you want to, you can never use it without breaking the law.

Me: There are no jokes to be made about sword fighting

Mate: What about when someone makes a good point against you?

Me: Touche

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I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said 'Don't try this at home'.

So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

I forgot to hold a door open for a woman the other day...

She said, "Chivalry's dead, isn't it!"

So I challenged her to a sword duel, and now she's the one who's dead.

Guess chivalry's not really dead, is it?

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Pirate

So a pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says “how are you doing pirate? haven’t seen you in a long time“
The pirate says “doing great, just came back from a very successful series of raids”
The bartender says “really!? You look terrible. What happened to your leg?“
The pirate says ...

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King Arthur became king of England by pulling a sword from a stone.

Donald Trump became president of the United States by pulling words out of his ass.

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A man goes to a tournament in Japan for short sword demonstration

They are demonstrating their skills in short sword handling. They win three prizes.


The man went up to the guy who won third prize and said "Excuse me sir, but what did you do to win third prize in short sword?"

He said "Very simple, you see fly on the wall? Watch!" *Puff* the fly ...

The pen is not mightier than the sword.

But if the pen is long and sharp, it may be a draw.

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In Jerusalem, Jesus was forced to carry the cross...

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgotha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgotha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

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A Englishman, a Frenchman and an American go on a safari in the jungle.

Sadly, they get lost and are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The head cannibal says, “Sorry guys, we have to follow our traditional. That means that we’re going to kill you, cook you, eat you and make canoes from your skin. But we’re not all bad - we’ll let you choose how you die.”

So the E...

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What do you call a prostitute at the circus?

A sword swallower

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

I was sword fighting this guy medieval style then all of a sudden he starts to unscrew his pommel

And then it hit me...

Two Filipino kids go trick or treating on Halloween...

...At the first house they go up to, a lady answers the door.

She says, "oh how cute are you two? Let me guess what you are..."

To the first kid she says, "With your tiara and wand, you must be a princess?"

the first kid says, "Yes! I am a princess!"

The lady says to the ...

Wonder Woman has a lot of equipment. A lasso, bracelets, tiara, sword, shield... I used to wonder where she gets it all, but then I remembered...

Amazon...

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

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The best sword joke of all time [Long]

The Emperor of Japan was hosting a banquet and invited the best swordsmen from all over the country.

A geisha approaches a man rumored to be the third best swordsman in Japan, and asks him for a demonstration of his skill. He draws his sword and with a single slash, cuts a fly out of the air....

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...

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One day the Emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

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