Samurai wielding sword: now we fight to the death

**Me, nervously clicking pen:** t-they better be right about this

What do you call a sword only used by women?

A broadsword.

I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles.

Alas, I was de-feeted.

Easiest way to win a debate is to have a sharp sword at the ready

Everybody will agree you have a good point

Why don't we use swords anymore?

Aren't they still cutting edge technology?

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

The queen was knighting a Jewish man yesterday when she accidentally dropped the sword.....

He is now Sir Cumcised

What’s the difference between Bill Cosby and a tiny fencing sword?

One is a little rapier

What do you call a guy who won't stop making swords?

Will Smith

We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone.

Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos.

Cheese Sword

My friend found a cheddar sword, and I asked him "is it sharp"

3 knights walk into a bar with their swords.

The bartender sees them walk in and asks, “why are you taking your swords in here with you?”

The knights say, “in case of mimics.”

The knights laugh, the bartender laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table.

He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

The carpenter who was nailed to some wood

##

How come the Fresh Prince was able to craft a sword?

He's a black Smith.

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What do you call a male prostitute?

A sell sword.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

What’s the quickest way to earn karma using your sword-fighting abilities?

Riposte

An Emperor wanted to prove that he was greater than Alexander the Great

So he visited an elderly Council of Historians who had the power to write an Emperor's legacy after his time and spread his fame far and wide.

He asked them, "O Great Historians, what made Alexander a Great King? I wish to be greater than him and the greatest in human history"

And he ...

What did the neckbeard name his samurai sword?

M'Bladey

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A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

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A pirate walks into his local tavern after being away at sea.

The owner greets him and says “Good to see you, friend. Hey, you didn’t have a peg leg last time you were in here. What happened?”

The pirate replied, “I fell off the deck during an awful storm. A shark bit off my leg while I was in the water, so now I have this peg leg.”

The owner sa...

I was going to buy an invisible sword...

But I don't see the point.

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A Japanese sword master is demonstrating a new move to his students.

"There is fly in room", he says, "I will now put on blindfold and slash it with sword".

As his students watch on, he suddenly performs one swift stroke of his blade, takes off his blindfold and bows to his students.

"I'm confused", says one of his students, "Fly is still buzzing around...

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Three Samurai are debating over who the best swordsman is...

As they stand around debating, one of the samurai notices a fly buzzing around. He removes his sword from its sheath, swings it quickly through the air with a deft swipe, and re-sheathes it. The other two samurai watch as the fly falls to the floor cut in half.

The second samurai says, "That'...

At a hospital

Mother : "holding a newborn child" you have my eyes

Father : and my smile

Aragorn : you have my sword

Legolas : and you have my bow

Gimli : and my axe

Nurse : can we get security in here please , they are back again

I would post a joke about sword fighting

But it's a riposte

A pirate’s pants

There was a pirate captain who would ask his lieutenant to bring his red trousers whenever an enemy vessel was sighted and battle would ensue.

One day his lieutenant asked him “captain, why do you always wear your red trouser to battle?”
To which the old ruffian replied “So that when I b...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.

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A Knight, a Samurai, and a Viking are lost in a desert.

They see someone in the distance, and as they draw closer, they realise it's a buck naked woman in a crusader's helmet with a samurai sword on her back.

The knight exclaims, "Look at her helm. Surely she is of my people! "

The samurai says "Nay! See the sword. She is obviously from Ja...

Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right.....arthurization.

What do you say to a blacksmith who's angry about breaking his sword

Ooh, temper temper!

I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

Why do sword fighters have a high karma rating on reddit?

They have been trained to riposte.

What do you get when your lovers soul is permanently stuck in a sword?

A bae-blade

Blacksmith: "I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks."

Sword: "Hit me more!"

My friend gave a presentation trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

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The anthropology student and the pirate.

An anthropology student was interviewing a retired pirate.

The student said: You have a wooden leg, a hook in place of a hand, and a patch over what I assume is an empty eye socket! How did all this happen?

The pirate replied:

I lost the leg to a canon call

I lost the han...

What do you call a gun that shoots swords?

The Excaliber

I was taught in my Journalism class that "Pen is mightier than Sword" and I believed it

But after watching John Wick, I realized it's "Pencil that's mightier than the Sword"

Cap gets pranked at breakfast

In the *Sword Art Online* universe, there was someone who got out of the real-world military as a captain, but someone heard them wrong and thought that they said "chaplain." So, naturally, they got the nickname "Cap" and, naturally, people started asking if random stuff was a sin or not. Cap went a...

I'm not quitting sword fighting because I'm hopeless at it.

I have to quit due to medical reasons.

I keep getting this sharp, stabbing pain.

My wife asked me how Wonder Woman got her new sword in the Justice League movie...

I told her that she must have Amazon Prime

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A pirate walks into a bar...

And takes a seat beside three medical students.

The students notice that the pirate has a hook in place of right hand, a wooden peg in place of his left leg and an eye patch over his right eye.

Curious they edge closer to the pirate, order some rum for him and ask him a few questions...

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

So, Pokemon "Sword and Shield" came out today

The Sword is for cutting Pokemon from the game and the Shield is for defending against criticism

What did the knight say to the trainee who broke the blade off his sword?

You need to get a handle on that.

Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

Did you guys see Eevee's new flying-type evolution in Sword and Shield?

It's called Pigeon.

The pen is mightier than the sword...

And considerably easier to write with.

I didn't want to take advice from a sword salesman at the carnival...

...but he made some fair points.

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A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

Show me the way of sword fencing!

Hi, I am from the sword fencing team! Everyone told me to come here because you guys are the masters of riposting.

What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?

A worrier.

Abortion is like a double edged sword for me

I like the ides of killing babies but I don't like the idea of giving women a choice

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

If a fencer loses a duel by getting disarmed...

Does that make them a sword loser?

If someone makes a joke about swords and someone else copies it...

Does that make it a *riposte?*

Why did the pirate only use his swords on women?

Because they were cutlasses, not cutlads.

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A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew.

A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew. He goes to the Captain's quarters and meets the Pirate Captain. He's a grizzled man with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

Swabbie: Ahoy Captain, it's looks like you've had quite the history.

Cpt: Aye, I've been sailing these seven seas sinc...

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I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...

As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.

The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on....

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Why would you whip your dick out in a knife fight?

The penis mightier than the sword.

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What do you call something that’s more sexual than a sword?

rapier.

My friend told me being a mixed kid is a double edged sword.

He says he can run really fast and rap to any beat, but he can't swim or jump.

So a redditor got attacked with a sword...

...but they reposted it.

Nintendo just announced they're changing Pokemon Sword & Shield to Pokemon Circle & Oval

After Game Freak decided to cut every corner.

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

Two Mexicans had a sword fight. The winner raised his sword and said

"There can only be Juan."

What kind of sword does a dueling priest wield?

A Rapier

My husband and daughter start using French bread as swords

I say, “You shouldn’t do that! Violence baguettes violence.”

The Russian Cossacks were legendary swordsmen.

A man once insulted a cossack.
Enraged, the cossack drew his sword.
There was a flash of silver.

Realising that he was still alive, the man laughed."Ha you missed!"

The cossack gave an evil smile.
"Wait until you try nodding."

Why wasn’t the director allowed to use a sword as a prop in his film adaption of a artillery book?

It wasn’t cannon

During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom.

A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:

"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins."

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A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

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Caesar and Brutus are on sesame street

Count von Count asks Caesar, "Do you know how to count to one hundred?"

Caesar says "Yes, I will show you how!"

So Caesar starts counting "One, two, three..."

As the numbers get higher more and more characters are appearing around Caesar.

"Sixty- seven, sixty-eight, six...

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

I was the comedic host at a banquet for sword swallowers when a food fight broke out...

I killed!

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

A sword master was administering his final test to his students.

He called forth his first student and released a fly. The student swung his sword and the fly fell in half, split down the middle.

He called forth the second student and release a fly. The student slashed his sword and the fly fell apart, split top and bottom.

He called forth his fina...

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American Samurai

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a blind American. So he interviewed all three.

The emp...

Sword swallower found dead

The police suspect it's an inside job

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Owning a sword is like being a horny priest...

Owning a sword is like being a horny priest, even though you want to, you can never use it without breaking the law.

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I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said 'Don't try this at home'.

So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.

Why did the sword’s wife leave him?

He had quite the temper.

Son: Dad, if the blacksmith forges the sword, who sells it?

Dad: That's easy son. Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

The Hero: I'm on a quest to avenge the death of my Father!

The Paladin: You have my sword!

The Elf: And my bow!

The Dwarf: And my axe!

The Necromancer: And your father!

The crowd was tense with excitement as the final three Samurai faced off;

After a long day of competing it was the final round of competition to find who was indeed the master swordsman.

In a final challenge the three men had to show their prowess and concentration by slicing the finest of targets, a mere fly.

The first Samurai steps up to the stage a fly is...

Me: There are no jokes to be made about sword fighting

Mate: What about when someone makes a good point against you?

Me: Touche

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

The pen is not mightier than the sword.

But if the pen is long and sharp, it may be a draw.

I was sword fighting this guy medieval style then all of a sudden he starts to unscrew his pommel

And then it hit me...

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

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A man goes to a tournament in Japan for short sword demonstration

They are demonstrating their skills in short sword handling. They win three prizes.


The man went up to the guy who won third prize and said "Excuse me sir, but what did you do to win third prize in short sword?"

He said "Very simple, you see fly on the wall? Watch!" *Puff* the fly ...

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...

Wonder Woman has a lot of equipment. A lasso, bracelets, tiara, sword, shield... I used to wonder where she gets it all, but then I remembered...

Amazon...

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The best sword joke of all time [Long]

The Emperor of Japan was hosting a banquet and invited the best swordsmen from all over the country.

A geisha approaches a man rumored to be the third best swordsman in Japan, and asks him for a demonstration of his skill. He draws his sword and with a single slash, cuts a fly out of the air....

A joke I translated from Russian

A pauper is sitting by a road in medieval England. All of a sudden, Robin Hood comes out of the forest, throws a bag of gold at the pauper's feet and says, "I am Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the poor."

The pauper tears up, embraces Robin Hood and says, "I am finally rich." Rob...

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Old Norse Joke

King Halfdan of Vestfold visits his subjects in Romerike and participates in their local assembly, the þing. When it is over, he pulls his sword and kills about half of the assemblymens.

King Halfdan then visits his subjects in Soleyar, participates in the þing, and again kills about half of...

The Navy captain was approached by his lieutenant.

“Captain! There is an enemy ship incoming! They are armed with cannons and a hundred men with muskets and swords!”

“Very well,” said the Captain. “Fetch me my red shirt.”

“Why your red shirt, sir?”

“Because if I am wounded in the fight, the blood will be hidden by the shirt, a...

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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

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Disney jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of we...

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