The 80+ Best Sword Jokes

Why don't we use swords anymore?

Aren't they still cutting edge technology?

I was going to buy an invisible sword...

But I don't see the point.

Easiest way to win a debate is to have a sharp sword at the ready

Everybody will agree you have a good point

My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword?

One's a little rapier...

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right.....arthurization.

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles.

Alas, I was de-feeted.

Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword

Then 20 more without the sheath

Did you know Will Smith can make swords?

Of course he can; he's a blacksmith

Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps.

The knight struts proudly into the court, sword bloody and armor covered in gore

"Sire, I have returned," he proclaims, "from my long arduous campaign, pillaging your enemies to the west."

"But we don't *have* any enemies to the west," the king says puzzled.

"Well, you do now."

I would post a joke about sword fighting

But it's a riposte.

We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone.

Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos.

What’s the quickest way to earn karma using your sword-fighting abilities?

Riposte

My wife asked me how Wonder Woman got her new sword in the Justice League movie...

I told her that she must have Amazon Prime

How do you beat Dr. Doofenshmirtz in a sword fight?

You parry the platypus

3 knights walk into a bar with their swords.

The bartender sees them walk in and asks, “why are you taking your swords in here with you?”

The knights say, “in case of mimics.”

The knights laugh, the bartender laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table.

How was the sword able to go to college?

Because it was *very sharp* young brand

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

What do you say to a blacksmith who's angry about breaking his sword

Ooh, temper temper!

What did the neckbeard name his samurai sword?

M'Bladey

Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?

A worrier.

I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

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A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

What do you call a sword only used by women?

A broadsword.

How come the Fresh Prince was able to craft a sword?

He's a black Smith.

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A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which...

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I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

A Turk, a Frenchman and an Englishman were traveling by train.

When it got hot in their room in the train, the Frenchman opened the window and a fly flew in.

To show his skill, the Frenchman drew his sword and hit the fly with one blow and it split in two. While the others looked on in amazement, the Frenchman took his business card out of his pocket and...

The pen is mightier than the sword...

And considerably easier to write with.

Why do sword fighters have a high karma rating on reddit?

They have been trained to riposte.

What do you get when your lovers soul is permanently stuck in a sword?

A bae-blade

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

I'm not quitting sword fighting because I'm hopeless at it.

I have to quit due to medical reasons.

I keep getting this sharp, stabbing pain.

Blacksmith: "I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks."

Sword: "Hit me more!"

Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...

As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.

The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on....

I didn't want to take advice from a sword salesman at the carnival...

...but he made some fair points.

So, Pokemon "Sword and Shield" came out today

The Sword is for cutting Pokemon from the game and the Shield is for defending against criticism

What did the knight say to the trainee who broke the blade off his sword?

You need to get a handle on that.

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

What do you call a gun that shoots swords?

The Excaliber

Did you guys see Eevee's new flying-type evolution in Sword and Shield?

It's called Pigeon.

Why did the pirate only use his swords on women?

Because they were cutlasses, not cutlads.

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I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said 'Don't try this at home'.

So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.

What kind of sword does a dueling priest wield?

A Rapier

Nintendo just announced they're changing Pokemon Sword & Shield to Pokemon Circle & Oval

After Game Freak decided to cut every corner.

Sword swallower found dead

The police suspect it's an inside job

A sword master was administering his final test to his students.

He called forth his first student and released a fly. The student swung his sword and the fly fell in half, split down the middle.

He called forth the second student and release a fly. The student slashed his sword and the fly fell apart, split top and bottom.

He called forth his fina...

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

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Owning a sword is like being a horny priest...

Owning a sword is like being a horny priest, even though you want to, you can never use it without breaking the law.

Two Mexicans had a sword fight. The winner raised his sword and said

"There can only be Juan."

If someone makes a joke about swords and someone else copies it...

Does that make it a *riposte?*

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

Why wasn’t the director allowed to use a sword as a prop in his film adaption of a artillery book?

It wasn’t cannon

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

My friend told me being a mixed kid is a double edged sword.

He says he can run really fast and rap to any beat, but he can't swim or jump.

My husband and daughter start using French bread as swords

I say, “You shouldn’t do that! Violence baguettes violence.”

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The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

I was the comedic host at a banquet for sword swallowers when a food fight broke out...

I killed!

Son: Dad, if the blacksmith forges the sword, who sells it?

Dad: That's easy son. Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

Why did the sword’s wife leave him?

He had quite the temper.

An exam was taking place in Oxford's oldest and most traditional college...

The ancient hall was packed with students in deep concentration.

Halfway through, a student stood up, banged his desk and loudly demanded a pint of beer.

The head examiner, furious at the disruption, asked him to 'explain yourself at once'.

The student cited section 7.b of a lon...

The pen is not mightier than the sword.

But if the pen is long and sharp, it may be a draw.

I was sword fighting this guy medieval style then all of a sudden he starts to unscrew his pommel

And then it hit me...

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

Me: There are no jokes to be made about sword fighting

Mate: What about when someone makes a good point against you?

Me: Touche

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

Wonder Woman has a lot of equipment. A lasso, bracelets, tiara, sword, shield... I used to wonder where she gets it all, but then I remembered...

Amazon...

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The best sword joke of all time [Long]

The Emperor of Japan was hosting a banquet and invited the best swordsmen from all over the country.

A geisha approaches a man rumored to be the third best swordsman in Japan, and asks him for a demonstration of his skill. He draws his sword and with a single slash, cuts a fly out of the air....

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Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit sexual assault

because its a bit rapier.

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An American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man are members of a sword club.

The three of them are regarded as the best in the club. They wanted to decide once and for all who is the best of the three of them.

Suddenly a fruit fly comes buzzing in the room and the American pulls out his sabre and with a swing the fly drops dead on the floor. They inspect it and saw th...

What's the difference between committing seppuku and impaling yourself with a sword?

They're the same thing but committing seppuku comes with a little twist.

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