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Sword Jokes

Why don't we use swords anymore?

Aren't they still cutting edge technology?
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I was going to buy an invisible sword...

But I don't see the point.
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Did you know Will Smith can make swords?

Of course he can; he's a blacksmith


Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps.
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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.
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The knight struts proudly into the court, sword bloody and armor covered in gore

"Sire, I have returned," he proclaims, "from my long arduous campaign, pillaging your enemies to the west."

"But we don't *have* any enemies to the west," the king says puzzled.

"Well, you do now."
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Easiest way to win a debate is to have a sharp sword at the ready

Everybody will agree you have a good point
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Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword

Then 20 more without the sheath
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What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword?

One's a little rapier...
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A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...
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does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.
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How do you beat Dr. Doofenshmirtz in a sword fight?

You parry the platypus
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I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles.

Alas, I was de-feeted.
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Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
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I would post a joke about sword fighting

But it's a riposte.
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A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...
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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

What did the neckbeard name his samurai sword?

M'Bladey
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3 knights walk into a bar with their swords.

The bartender sees them walk in and asks, “why are you taking your swords in here with you?”

The knights say, “in case of mimics.”

The knights laugh, the bartender laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table.
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Son: Dad, if the blacksmith forges the sword, who sells it?

Dad: That's easy son. Whoever smelt it, dealt it.
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Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right.....arthurization.
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I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.
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Two Mexicans had a sword fight. The winner raised his sword and said

"There can only be Juan."
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What’s the quickest way to earn karma using your sword-fighting abilities?

Riposte
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What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?

A worrier.
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What do you call a sword only used by women?

A broadsword.
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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

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A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which...

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The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

What do you say to a blacksmith who's angry about breaking his sword

Ooh, temper temper!
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I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...
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Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.
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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

My wife asked me how Wonder Woman got her new sword in the Justice League movie...

I told her that she must have Amazon Prime
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What do you call a gun that shoots swords?

The Excaliber
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The pen is mightier than the sword...

And considerably easier to write with.
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How come the Fresh Prince was able to craft a sword?

He's a black Smith.
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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

Sword swallower found dead

The police suspect it's an inside job
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A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

So, Pokemon "Sword and Shield" came out today

The Sword is for cutting Pokemon from the game and the Shield is for defending against criticism
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I'm not quitting sword fighting because I'm hopeless at it.

I have to quit due to medical reasons.

I keep getting this sharp, stabbing pain.
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A Turk, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are traveling on a train.

The compartment gets warm, so the Frenchman opens the window and a fly buzzes in. Wanting to show off, the Frenchman swiftly draws his sword and with one strike, the fly is split in half. As the others look on in amazement, the Frenchman hands out his business card, which reads: "France's Best Sword...

Why did the pirate only use his swords on women?

Because they were cutlasses, not cutlads.
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Blacksmith: "I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks."

Sword: "Hit me more!"
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What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.
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A king sits on his throne. Suddenly, one of his knights enters.

The knight looks so tired he can barely stand. His armour is heavily battered and covered with dust, his sword is notched, his helmet is cracked...

**King**: Dear God, John! What happened to you?

**Knight**: Oh, I've been hard at work lately, Your Majesty. A heavy blow I dealt against ...
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Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"
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Owning a sword is like being a horny priest...

Owning a sword is like being a horny priest, even though you want to, you can never use it without breaking the law.

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3 men are captured on an island of cannibals

One of the menasks “what do you plan on doing to us”

The cannibal Chief says “we have a tradition, we’re gonna kill you, eat you, then use your skin for our canoes. But myself and the elders have decided to give you some grace; you can do yourselves in, and you can choose how”

Man #1 s...

I didn't want to take advice from a sword salesman at the carnival...

...but he made some fair points.
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Why do sword fighters have a high karma rating on reddit?

They have been trained to riposte.
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What do you get when your lovers soul is permanently stuck in a sword?

A bae-blade
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The pen is not mightier than the sword.

But if the pen is long and sharp, it may be a draw.
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Who was first in Transylvania?

Thousands of years ago, the ancestor of the Hungarians Attila the Hun came to Transylvania.

He saw a beautiful lake, left his gilded armor, his Damascus sword and his white stallion on the shore and went for a swim.

When he got out of the lake - armor was gone, sword was gone and the ...
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What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.
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We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone.

Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos.
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Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...

As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.

The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on....
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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

Did you guys see Eevee's new flying-type evolution in Sword and Shield?

It's called Pigeon.
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If someone makes a joke about swords and someone else copies it...

Does that make it a *riposte?*
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A sword master was administering his final test to his students.

He called forth his first student and released a fly. The student swung his sword and the fly fell in half, split down the middle.

He called forth the second student and release a fly. The student slashed his sword and the fly fell apart, split top and bottom.

He called forth his fina...
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What did the knight say to the trainee who broke the blade off his sword?

You need to get a handle on that.
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What do you call something that’s more sexual than a sword?

rapier.

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The best sword joke of all time [Long]

The Emperor of Japan was hosting a banquet and invited the best swordsmen from all over the country.

A geisha approaches a man rumored to be the third best swordsman in Japan, and asks him for a demonstration of his skill. He draws his sword and with a single slash, cuts a fly out of the air....

An exam was taking place in Oxford's oldest and most traditional college...

The ancient hall was packed with students in deep concentration.

Halfway through, a student stood up, banged his desk and loudly demanded a pint of beer.

The head examiner, furious at the disruption, asked him to 'explain yourself at once'.

The student cited section 7.b of a lon...
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The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet
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I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said 'Don't try this at home'.

So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.

Nintendo just announced they're changing Pokemon Sword & Shield to Pokemon Circle & Oval

After Game Freak decided to cut every corner.
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Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit sexual assault

because its a bit rapier.

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.
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It's Amusingly hypocritical for my wife to get upset at me buying a $89 samurai sword

When she has no problem spending $150 on groceries.
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I was the comedic host at a banquet for sword swallowers when a food fight broke out...

I killed!
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To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...
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Me: There are no jokes to be made about sword fighting

Mate: What about when someone makes a good point against you?

Me: Touche
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A man goes to a tournament in Japan for short sword demonstration

They are demonstrating their skills in short sword handling. They win three prizes.


The man went up to the guy who won third prize and said "Excuse me sir, but what did you do to win third prize in short sword?"

He said "Very simple, you see fly on the wall? Watch!" *Puff* the fly ...

What's the difference between committing seppuku and impaling yourself with a sword?

They're the same thing but committing seppuku comes with a little twist.
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An old pirate was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter

"I note that you have had a lot of injuries... I see you have a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. What caused those?"

The old pirate nodded. "Piratin' is a rough life indeed. I was a mere deckhand on me first ship, and we met up with an British dreadnaught. Twas a fierce battl...

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An American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man are members of a sword club.

The three of them are regarded as the best in the club. They wanted to decide once and for all who is the best of the three of them.

Suddenly a fruit fly comes buzzing in the room and the American pulls out his sabre and with a swing the fly drops dead on the floor. They inspect it and saw th...

Why wasn’t the director allowed to use a sword as a prop in his film adaption of a artillery book?

It wasn’t cannon
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My friend told me being a mixed kid is a double edged sword.

He says he can run really fast and rap to any beat, but he can't swim or jump.
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What kind of sword does a dueling priest wield?

A Rapier
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