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Sword Jokes

Why don't we use swords anymore?

Aren't they still cutting edge technology?

Samurai wielding sword: now we fight to the death

**Me, nervously clicking pen:** t-they better be right about this

Easiest way to win a debate is to have a sharp sword at the ready

Everybody will agree you have a good point

I was going to buy an invisible sword...

But I don't see the point.

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So I got my penis cut off the other day…

Could’ve sworn y’all said it was mightier than the sword and whatnot.

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

I've always heard "if you live by the sword, you die by the sword."

I'm sure glad my parents said I'll "live up to nothing" !

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3 men are captured on an island of cannibals

One of the menasks “what do you plan on doing to us”

The cannibal Chief says “we have a tradition, we’re gonna kill you, eat you, then use your skin for our canoes. But myself and the elders have decided to give you some grace; you can do yourselves in, and you can choose how”

Man #1 s...

What do you call a guy who won't stop making swords?

Will Smith

Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword

Then 20 more without the sheath

A pirate walked into a bar.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I g...

Who was first in Transylvania?

Thousands of years ago, the ancestor of the Hungarians Attila the Hun came to Transylvania.

He saw a beautiful lake, left his gilded armor, his Damascus sword and his white stallion on the shore and went for a swim.

When he got out of the lake - armor was gone, sword was gone and the ...

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

The Dragon's Tail

A Dragon is rampaging through a kingdom. The king recruits the bravest knight in all the land to slay it, and bring back its tail. The knight rides off on his horse, and stops at a monastery on the way to the dragon's cave. The knight explained to one of the monks about his quest, and together they...

We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone.

Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos.

I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles.

Alas, I was de-feeted.

Did you know Will Smith can make swords?

Of course he can; he's a blacksmith


Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps.

What do you call a sword only used by women?

A broadsword.

Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

How was the sword able to go to college?

Because it was *very sharp* young brand

Name one fight you regret starting.

A sword fight with the bidet

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword?

One's a little rapier...

I would post a joke about sword fighting

But it's a riposte.

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The emperor of Persia wanted the best bodyguard in the world.

So he sent messengers throughout all the lands on the globe encouraging the nations to send their best warriors to come to his palace and compete for this prestigious title. After weeks of intense competition, the candidate pool was reduced to the last three competitors. Each had earned the honor o...

What’s the quickest way to earn karma using your sword-fighting abilities?

Riposte

Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right.....arthurization.

What did the neckbeard name his samurai sword?

M'Bladey

3 knights walk into a bar with their swords.

The bartender sees them walk in and asks, “why are you taking your swords in here with you?”

The knights say, “in case of mimics.”

The knights laugh, the bartender laughs, the table laughs, they kill the table.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

Trick or Treat!

A small boy dressed as a pirate knocked on my door last night.

I opened the door and he waved his sword & said "Trick or Treat"

I said " Oh look a pirate, but where are your buccaneers ? "

He took the chocolate bar & replied " Under my buckin hat "

The Legend of Saint Andrew

While Jesus was on the cross, several of his disciples were in the crowd nearby. When Jesus spotted Andrew, he called out to him "Andrew! Andrew!" At this, Saint Andrew pushed his way through the crowd, "Yes Lord! What is it?". The Roman guards saw the commotion and roughly bashed Andrew back with t...

How do you beat Dr. Doofenshmirtz in a sword fight?

You parry the platypus

My wife asked me how Wonder Woman got her new sword in the Justice League movie...

I told her that she must have Amazon Prime

Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

What do you call a man with a sword and severe anxiety?

A worrier.

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit

A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village by the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate releas...

What do you say to a blacksmith who's angry about breaking his sword

Ooh, temper temper!

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.

The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
“Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine”

The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of th...

I was about to invent a circular sword.

But then I thought, what's the point.

My friend has been trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He makes some very good points.

The pen is mightier than the sword...

And considerably easier to write with.

Blacksmith: "I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks."

Sword: "Hit me more!"

I'm not quitting sword fighting because I'm hopeless at it.

I have to quit due to medical reasons.

I keep getting this sharp, stabbing pain.

How come the Fresh Prince was able to craft a sword?

He's a black Smith.

Two dead boys

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight, back to back they faced each other drew their swords and shot each other. If you don't believe this tale is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

Why do sword fighters have a high karma rating on reddit?

They have been trained to riposte.

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A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

What do you get when your lovers soul is permanently stuck in a sword?

A bae-blade

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

What do you call a gun that shoots swords?

The Excaliber

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A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

I didn't want to take advice from a sword salesman at the carnival...

...but he made some fair points.

Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...

As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.

The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on....

So, Pokemon "Sword and Shield" came out today

The Sword is for cutting Pokemon from the game and the Shield is for defending against criticism

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I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

I was taught in my Journalism class that "Pen is mightier than Sword" and I believed it

But after watching John Wick, I realized it's "Pencil that's mightier than the Sword"

What kind of sword does a dueling priest wield?

A Rapier

Why did the pirate only use his swords on women?

Because they were cutlasses, not cutlads.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

Did you guys see Eevee's new flying-type evolution in Sword and Shield?

It's called Pigeon.

What did the knight say to the trainee who broke the blade off his sword?

You need to get a handle on that.

What does a sword and a musical instrument have in common?

They both know how to b sharp.

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

If someone makes a joke about swords and someone else copies it...

Does that make it a *riposte?*

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Owning a sword is like being a horny priest...

Owning a sword is like being a horny priest, even though you want to, you can never use it without breaking the law.

Two Mexicans had a sword fight. The winner raised his sword and said

"There can only be Juan."

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I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said 'Don't try this at home'.

So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.

A Cambridge student was sitting an exam...

A Cambridge student was sitting an exam in one of the University's oldest and most traditional schools.

Midway through, he leapt to his feet and loudly demanded a pint of ale.

The startled head examiner asked the student to explain himself immediately.

The student promptly cite...

A sword master was administering his final test to his students.

He called forth his first student and released a fly. The student swung his sword and the fly fell in half, split down the middle.

He called forth the second student and release a fly. The student slashed his sword and the fly fell apart, split top and bottom.

He called forth his fina...

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

Sword swallower found dead

The police suspect it's an inside job

What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.

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What do you call something that’s more sexual than a sword?

rapier.

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

Nintendo just announced they're changing Pokemon Sword & Shield to Pokemon Circle & Oval

After Game Freak decided to cut every corner.

I wish the Antique Roadshow guy just told me how much my antique sword is worth.

Instead of being all nosy about where all the blood came from.

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Teacher to class.

Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'Pistol' in it?

Sophie: "My daddy is a soldier,he has a suit of blue, he has a sword,

a bayonet and he has a pistol too."

Teacher: "Very good Sophie."

Johnny: " Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of...

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...

I was sword fighting this guy medieval style then all of a sudden he starts to unscrew his pommel

And then it hit me...

My friend told me being a mixed kid is a double edged sword.

He says he can run really fast and rap to any beat, but he can't swim or jump.

I was the comedic host at a banquet for sword swallowers when a food fight broke out...

I killed!

Why did the sword’s wife leave him?

He had quite the temper.

Me: There are no jokes to be made about sword fighting

Mate: What about when someone makes a good point against you?

Me: Touche

Son: Dad, if the blacksmith forges the sword, who sells it?

Dad: That's easy son. Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

The pen is not mightier than the sword.

But if the pen is long and sharp, it may be a draw.

Ten years into the war, both sides ran out of bullets for their guns.

They decided to use bows and arrows instead.

But ten years later, still strong in the war, both sides ran out of arrows and flint. So both sides used swords and axes.

But a decade after that, both sides ran out of metal, and they had to resort to weapons made of wood, like bo- staffs ...

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Three Samurai are debating over who the best swordsman is...

As they stand around debating, one of the samurai notices a fly buzzing around. He removes his sword from its sheath, swings it quickly through the air with a deft swipe, and re-sheathes it. The other two samurai watch as the fly falls to the floor cut in half.

The second samurai says, "That'...

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What do you call a male prostitute?

A sell sword.

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

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The best sword joke of all time [Long]

The Emperor of Japan was hosting a banquet and invited the best swordsmen from all over the country.

A geisha approaches a man rumored to be the third best swordsman in Japan, and asks him for a demonstration of his skill. He draws his sword and with a single slash, cuts a fly out of the air....

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