UPJOKE
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When I get stoned I like to listen to Pink Floyd & eat a lot.

I have become comfortably plump.

What does Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last hit was the wall.

Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin agreed to take care of each other’s gardens.

This means Roger Waters Robert’s Plants.

What does pink panther say when he steps on an ant.

Dead ant, Dead ant, Dead ant, Dead ant, Dead ant, Dead ant, Dead ant, Dead aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant.

What's the difference between pink and purple?

Her grip.

What did the Canadian say to the other Canadian when they saw a guy in a giant pink bathtub sailing around in circles in the middle of Lake Ontario?

"What's that, a boat?"

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I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink…

….and Michael had a penis.

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What’s the difference between pink and purple?

How hard I squeeze my dick

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So a Chinese man walks into a dry cleaner and points to the ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the front window.

The man says, “Me job! Me job!”

The owner mutters to himself, ‘I really don’t want to hire this guy. He can’t even speak English!’

The man says again, “Me job!”

The owner looks straight at the man and says, “I’ll tell you what. If you can use um three words….uh, Pink, Green a...

How Do You Catch a Pink Elephant?

This is super old. But another Joke here reminded me, so...

How Do You Catch a Pink Elephant?

First, you bake a cake with 3 raisins. Pink Elephants LOVE raisins. Then, you travel through Purple Elephant country. Purple Elephants are really easy to catch. Once you are in Pink Elephant c...

What is grey and pink,grey and pink?

2 elephants hiding in a strawberry patch

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...

I’m a divorce lawyer

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the be...

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck...

The truck drives over a hump, the load is shifted and a huge pink dildo falls out, bounces on the road and straight into the windshield of the car, off the hood and into the side of the road.

Shaken, the little girl in the back says "what was that??"

Mom says "Oh, that was just a beetl...

3 nuns and a Parrot

This was a joke I heard decades ago, sorry if someone beat me to this one. Here goes:

3 nuns were passing by a big house. It was a modest house with a beautiful yard and in it, a caged Parrot. It’s not very talkative but everytime the three nuns pass, the parrot would utter random colors…
...

What do the colors green, pink, and yellow have in common?

The phone rings green....green.....green! So you pink it up and say yellow.

To-do list of the pink panther

To-do
To-do
Todo todo todo todo todooooootododo

A pink elephant walks into a bar

The barman looks at him and says

“You’re too early mate, he’s not in yet”

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Load of balls

While holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant – where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. ‘I’ll have those, please,’ he tells the waiter.

‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply, ‘but they are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the local bu...

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Cinderella Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving day had arrived. This particular family had fallen on hard times and had no hope for better. For their Thanksgiving dinner all they had was a slice of bread each and a small glass of tea. But they had each other, even if they were hungry. Suddenly in a poof of smoke a small , chubby li...

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A frog walks into a bank...

And is greeted by Patricia Wack, the bank teller. He hops onto the counter, and asks to open a line of credit with their bank, requesting 150 thousand dollars.

Taken aback, Ms. Wack says "Well....uh...do you have collateral?" and very slowly and calmly, the frog pulls out a small porcelain p...

My 3 year old daughter as a pink fairy princes

To my wife: “I’ll make you a queen!”
To me: “I’ll make you a cookie monster!”

If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all

It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy

What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet?

Chewing gum

The American education system obviously listens to Pink Floyd…

…they've left those kids a loan.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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Eating a pink starburst is a lot like masturbating...

You want to savor it for as long as you can, but once you bite into it you have to finish.

As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

I bought pink cotton but my wife wanted purple

Sorry, wrong thread

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Two Vaginas were talking and the first one said: “Did you hear that asshole? He said ‘two in the pink and one in the stink’ is favoritism”, and the other one replied:

“They hate us cuz they anus”

What’s brown and sticky?

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

What’s pink and slippery?

A pink slipper.

What’s brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

Pink Panther’s to do list

- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo

The Pink Panther's To Do list

\- Todo

\- Todo

\- Todo todo todo todo todooooooo tododododo

Whats pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff. Whats blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath

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Pink ping pong balls

Once upon a time there was a father and a son. It was the son’s tenth birthday and his father said,

“Son, you are the most precious thing in the world to me. Whatever you ask for your birthday, you shall receive.”

His son replied,

“Dad, all I want for my birthday is a pink ping ...

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

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My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.

Frankly, it's not her bismuth.

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"Didn't this shit used to be pink?", asked

the dick as he slid into the wrong hole.

Green,pink and yellow

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Ag...

Kermit Jagger needs a loan

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authori...

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What’s pink and sits on the bottom of the ocean

Moby’s dick


My mom told this to me when I was maybe 10

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Ink for Pink

For a women to flash her boobs at the tattoo artist for a free inking considered tits-for-tats ?

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he p...

He Does What???

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope ...

If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies?

A swallow.

What do you call a guy with a pink shirt, pink shoes,and a pink 40 caliber?

Sir.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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There’s a painting in a museum of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench, but the man in the middle has a pink penis.

The artist behind the painting is unknown, and no one really knows why the man in the middle has a pink penis. The curator has a story about how pink represents equality at birth, however the true reason was unknown. One day there was a couple touring the museum, and they spent quite a bit of time e...

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A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white m...

I really like that French song about the pink airplane.

L’avion Rose

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The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

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A black man, a blue man, a green man, a pink man, a red man and yellow man walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Too much Risk."

How do you annoy a Pink Floyd fan?

Play their music on shuffle

Mr Green lives in The Green House. Mr Blue lives in The Blue House. Mrs Pink lives in The Pink House. Who lives in The White House?

Mr Orange.

What’s pink and fluffy and hasn’t moved in years?

Madeleine McCann’s slippers

I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day.

She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"

It's big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it.

Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

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Good news bad news

Guy goes in to see his doctor and the doctor says “I’ve got good news and bad news. “
Guy says” well gimme the bad news first”
Doc says “You’ve only got three months to live. “
Guy says “wow! How could there be any good news after that. “
Doc says “Well you see that young pretty nurse in...

What is Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album?

Dark side of the Moon, for it's eclectic instrumentation and higher than average production values.

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