Vine Jokes - 56 Hilarious Vine Jokes

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

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Flies in vine glasses

A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finn...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine.

Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. "Can I try swinging from that?" she asked Tarzan.

"You can try," replied Tarzan. "But trust me, it won't work."

So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan's amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever...

Captain Hook: arrrg I miss Vine. twas me fav'rite app

Smee: but capn! there's a new app! it aint exactly the same, but tis very similar!

Captain Hook: what's it called?

Smee: Umm

One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.

They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.

"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.

"Yes," replies the monkey.

Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
...

Remember Vine? It’s ok if you don’t

It lasted about six seconds

Quoting old vines counts as a personality, right?

I sure hope it does

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I'm really upset that Vine is getting shut down, because I won't be able to use the phrase, "do it for the Vine" anymore...

"Do it or I'll fucking kill you" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

I miss vine

tarzan's last thought as he plummets to the jungle floor

Vine is shutting down

I might actually make more in a year than a vine star does in a week.

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PornHub removed my sex tape

They told me to try Vine

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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

What do you call a really good TikTok?

Vine.

Some Tim Vine jokes...

"I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums." "People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them." "So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do." "I refuse...

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

What's Dracula's favourite alcoholic drink and candy combo?

Red vines

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

Famous Last Words

List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up:

Tarzan: "Who greased the vine?"

I was having dinner with my boss

His wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.

My favourite Tim Vine Joke

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The longest joke I know

A mime had just been kicked off his street corner and was looking for a place to perform. He decides to go to the zoo where all the kids are and maybe get more attention. Well it works and he is a natural crowd pleaser. People gather around him and he is getting all the attention. This goes on for a...

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

"911, what's your emergency?"

Drunk redneck, "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"

911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"

Drunk redneck, "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."

911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "

...

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

Swedish Computer Terms

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There was a guy with a miro penis(nsfw)

There was a guy with a penis so small, he was so dejected whenever he saw it. He went to a lot of doctors in order to get a larger penis,but in vain. After enquiring a lot, he came to know that there was a sage who lived upon a mountain who helped in increasing penis sizes.

He agreed to g...

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Tarzan

Tarzan went swinging on a vine in the jungle one day and the vine broke. Tarzan popped an eye out, broke his right arm and his penis. He went to the witch doctor and the witch doctor gave him a hawk eye to replace his eye. A gorilla arm to replace his arm and an elephant trunk for his penis then sen...

I threw out my old vacuum cleaner today...

It was just gathering dust.

(Courtesy of Tim Vine)

Last night my wife and I watched 3 films back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the screen.

Credit to Tim Vine.

I said to my gym instructor, "Can you teach me how to do the splits?"

He said: "Well how flexible are you?"

I said: "I can’t make Tuesdays"

(by Tim Vine)

I went to a record shop to buy my dad a new vinyl, I said “what’ve you got by the doors?”

He said “a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher”

- Tim Vine

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I told my girlfriend to make a sextape together.

She agreed. It became a vine

My girlfriend said to me "as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you" and I said "let's make one thing absolutely clear..."

"My mother was never a young boy."

Tim Vine

Conjunctivitis.com

That’s a site for sore eyes

- Tim Vine, 2012

A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle.

They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years...

I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week...

I won't be doing that again.

joke by Tim Vine

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley

She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

- Tim Vine, King of the one liners.

A young boy wants to buy a tomato...

He approaches the farmer with his few pennies and asks how much that nice, red, juicy tomato would cost. The farmer replies, "35 cents."

Appearing dismayed, the child wanders down the rows of vines and finds a small, green, unappetizing tomato.

"How much for this little one, here?" h...

If you made a viral video of a cow...

It'd be called a bo-Vine.

I've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday...

Never again.

Credit: Tim Vine.

One day a father took his two children to a zoo.

They were having a great time, until one realized the lion was acting strangely. Almost human like. So the father decides to tell one of the zoo employees. He leans over and says,”our lion died last week, so we hired a replacement”. The father didn’t bother to tell his children and went on with the ...

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise.

He has the time of his life until the boat
sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man
looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He
asks her where she’s come from.

"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I’ve been stranded on the
other sid...

The janitor at the zoo

A janitor at a zoo gets called into the managers office. The manager tells him they have to let him go due to budget issues. The janitor is set back and cries, "please, please let me keep my job! My mother is in the hospital and I have to pay her medical bills!" The manager scratches his chin for a ...

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A man is on a walk with his dog at the park

Suddenly, his dog runs towards a glowing object on the floor. Before the man can stop him, the dog has swallowed the object. A flash of blinding white light temporarily blinds the man, and when he looks back he is amazed to see his dog say "Hello!" to him.

"You can talk?" the man asks.
...

A married couple...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that'?

The wife said, 'I don't kno...

Far off, in a distant land, there were three kingdoms.

Each kingdom had faced a side of a triangular lake. The first kingdom was the youngest, and wealthiest kingdom. They have the most business, biggest buildings, and the strongest military.

The second kingdom, is about 50 years older than the first. They aren't the wealthiest, but they are wel...

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away

there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in thei...

Two TV wine tasters trying to out do each other

Food and drink show on TV doing a wine feature with 2 tasters being given a blind tasting. Both hate each other and are desperate to show off

The first taster takes a sip and says "oh this is clearly French, from the Rhone Valley"

The second cuts across him to say "Well, obviously, it'...

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An old farmer is drinking his morning coffee when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a stranger standing there with an empty jar in each hand.
“What can I do for ya, feller?” The farmer asked.

“Well, I was just passing by yesterday when I noticed you had some Honeysuckle vines growing on your fence row over there, and I was wondering if you might...

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A gorilla that swung too far

A zoo was barely making ends meet. The head zookeeper was keeping things together, but it was a struggle. Instead of a pride of lions, they had one lone lion. Instead of a band of gorillas, just two. The rest of the zoo animals were just as sparse.

One day during a thunder and lightning storm...

A zebra was having a crisis.

He couldn't decide if he was white with black stripes, or he was black with white stripes. For many months this bothered him, sometimes even keeping him up all night wondering.

On morning, he decided to see the wise old monkey in the baobab tree to find answers to his quandary. Far and long h...

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

An Australian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hiking in the amazon.

an Australian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hiking in the amazon. they are approached by a group of very angry natives who are appalled that the travellers are hacking through their sacred forrest. they subdue the travellers and take them to the chief. the chief says:

"how dare you cut t...

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