What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, begins with a C, has a U and an N in the middle, and ends with a T

COCONUT

Why should you cook kale in coconut oil?

Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.

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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

"Hang on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!"

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The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.



Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...

My friend thinks he's so smart

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry -



so I threw a coconut at his face.

They say that coconut water is good for hair.

Now, I understand why my pubes are growing like crazy recently.

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A tiger walks through the forest and suddenly sees a rare sight - a monkey throwing coconuts at a lion.

The tiger asks the lion, "Why do you let him do it?"

"Lets see you doing something," says the lion.

"No problem," replies the tiger. "Watch and learn."

The tiger leaps up and starts chasing the monkey, climbing the trees, the mountains, the hills, crossing the sands until they r...

What does a coconut become on Reddit?

A jackfruit.

A monkey, chimp, gorilla and King Kong tries to take bananas from a coconut tree. Who will get it?

Neither! Coconut trees don't grow bananas!

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My wife and I are big believers in coconut oil as lube, it's been great for us really...

But now whenever I make macaroons I get a boner.

Mother: "Why did I see coconut all over the kitchen?!"

Father: "Coco, come in here! Don't you have wifi in your bedroom?!"

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Remember when a bunch of Redditors started buying coconuts?

I do.

People back then were fucking nuts.

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A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

How do you kill a guy with a coconut allergy?

You put a bounty on his head.

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A coconut walks into a bar...

At least it didn't get fucked...yet

If I sell coconuts, am I a pimp?

Only if the buyer is a Redditor.

If coconut oil is made with coconuts,

Almond oil is made with almonds,

Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,



Then I surely know what baby oil is.....

If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from?

Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.

I went to the store today to buy some coconuts.

And a pack of gum, so it wouldn't be weird.

When life gives you a coconut ...

You keep it away from redditors

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"Ashley, I fucked a redditor last night"

"Jeez, how did you know he was a redditor? He gave his username?"

"Nah"

"Then how the fuck do you know he was a redditor?"

"He said I was better than I coconut"

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What do you call the other side of the coconut?

A cocobutt

Roses are red, violets are blue

My girlfriend is gone
This coconut will do

A parrot flies into a bar and says "I'll have a coconut rum, please." A patron nearby exclaims "Hey look, a talking parrot!"

Then he realizes, "Oh yeah, parrots can talk."

What's the difference between Bernie Sanders and a coconut?

Coconuts have hair

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I'm losing my 30 year old virginity on Halloween.

I'm dressing up as a coconut.

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

What did one coconut say to the other?

Oh my god a talking coconut!

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

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The Viking's Talent

A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!"

He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood ...

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An elephant wandering the jungle gets a thorn in its foot ...

Unable to extract the thorn itself, the elephant leans against a coconut tree, waiting for some other animal to come along and help him.

Hours pass and no animal appears. Just then, an ant comes crawling along.

"Oh, Brother Ant!" the elephant says. "Could you please help me take this t...

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What is cocaine mixed with semen called?

A coconut

Shipwrecked

So a guy is involved in a shipwreck, and manages to swim to a deserted island. He's there for three years, living on coconuts and crabs.

Then one day a barrel floats ashore. The top pops off the barrel, and a woman climbs out.

"Oh my god!" says the guy.

"Wow," says the woman. "I...

A cow climbs a coconut tree..

A cow climbs a coconut tree.

Coconut Tree: "Hey cow, what the hell are you doing?"

Cow: "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo\*cough* \*cough*.. Sorry about that."

Cow: "Anyways I'm climbing a coconut tree."

Coconut Tree (Slightly annoyed): "I can see that.. but why?"

Cow glares at...

I don't know why I just bought some coconut shampoo

I haven't even got any coconuts.

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An elephant is walking through the jungle...

When it steps on a big thorn. It screams out in pain and is frantically trying to pull the thorn out with its trunk. An ant comes walking by and sees the elephant struggling.

"What's wrong, Mr elephant"

"I've stepped on a thorn and i can't get it out, Mr ant"

"I'll pull it out, ...

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I named both my testicles Co

So now when I finish I actually coconut

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A boat was shipwrecked in the South Pacific, as a result...

A group of people from different nationalities found themselves stranded on a remote and beautiful island. The party consisted of:

-Two Italian men and one Italian woman

-Two French men and one French woman

-Two German men and one German woman

-Two Greek men and one Greek...

What is something you can find under your son's bed which will terrify you more than your son?

A coconut

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl...

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Indian Jews

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in an Indian restaurant in New York. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India?'

Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'...

Lions eat anything

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he d...

How do you know a palm tree is getting old?

It’s coconuts hang lower than its trunk.

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What is a Hawaiian sex act, and coincidentally, my favorite dessert?

Coconut cream pie

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An American with a boat and a Canadian with a boat crash,

They keep blaming one another while floating on sea. After a while they arrive at an island, where they were greeted by a tribe. They told their dilemma to the head of the tribe, to which he replied: "each of you will go to the forest and collect 100 of the same fruit, the first one to return will n...

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An Englishman and an American are trekking through the jungle when they’re captured by a fierce tribe of cannibals.

The leader of the cannibals tells the duo he and his tribe will eat them unless they go into the jungle and collect 100 pieces of fruit in an hour. The American and the Englishman agree and they each go into the woods. The Englishman is the first to return, carrying a 100 berries in his arms.
...

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A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

My crazy friend told to me to stop making low hanging fruit jokes....

So now I go for the coconuts

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island and are all very hungry. They are delighted to find a large can of beans that has been washed up on the beach. Having no way to open the can they try to find a way to the beans. The physicist states that if he puts...

Passing The Test

A young Lieutenant is sitting at a bar, a beautiful woman approaches him and offers to buy him a drink. They have a few drinks filled with pleasent conversation. Afterwards she invites him back to her apartment for some casual fun.

They get to the apartment and she says 'listen I don't let j...

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Sammy visits his old war buddy Willy who is confined to a wheelchair...

Willy says, "My feet are freezing man, would you mind running upstairs and grabbing me my slippers?"
"No problem at all," Sammy says, and he runs upstairs. On his way to Willy's bedroom, he passes by a guest room, where he sees Willy's 16 year old great granddaughter and her friend, both clad ...

If you’re the assistant to the assistant lunatic...

You’re a coconut.

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