UPJOKE
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Peel Jokes

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

I spent an hour looking for that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots.

Then I realised she's at work.

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A little boy is trying to peel the lid off his tub of yoghurt..

He gets frustrated and yells "fuckin' lid!".

His mother turns to his father and says "where do you think he got that from?"

The father says "the fuckin' fridge you dumb cunt".

What do you call a haunted orange peel?

Po-zest

A lion notices a monkey by a river, dipping a banana peel into the water

He watches her for a few minutes, as she dips the peel, keeps it under water, and then takes it out, watches the water a bit, repeats. Finally, the lion gives up trying to make sense of the sequence.

"Hey, monkey"

"Hey, lion"

"What in the world are you doing?"

"Ten bucks ...

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I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

Did you hear they're remaking The Princess Bride with an all-potato cast?

"Hello, my name is Idaho Montoya. You peeled my father. Prepare to fry."

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

What do you call 2 banana peels?

A pair of slippers

What do you get when you cross a banana peel with a psychologist ?

A freudian slip.
(Stop groaning it's not so dad)

A madam opened the door to her brothel....

.....to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie." the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" "No. I must see Natalie." Just then N...

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.

We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-ass neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

My doctor suggested leaving a peeled onion on the table to purify the room of Covid.

I think he needs to adopt a more Moderna pproach to medicine.

Dad, where's the thing for peeling potatoes?

She went shopping.

Does anyone know how to easily peel a kiwi?

All those feathers keep getting in the way

My friends favourite NSFW joke

A fast food worker gets home early from his night shift. His wife asks him: "Why are you home so early?"  He replies, "I put my fingers in the potato peeler and they chased me away"  The wife asks confused: "And the potato peeler?"
"She also got fired"

I've got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine

I hope it bares fruit.

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?

Inzest

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A farmer trained his rooster to peel the husks off of corn

What a cock-shucker

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread.

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. The staff thought it's a curious thing to ask for, but they nonetheless deliver.
Next year, the priest comes again, and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. Staff members were really curious, so they decided to...

An explorer in the jungle saw a monkey with a tin opener. He called out to the monkey: 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana' ...

'I know' replied the monkey. 'I'm not stupid. This is for the custard'

Did you know that banana peel is supposed to be put under the controlled substance act?

It can give you bad trips.

I got a job peeling corn all day...

It really shucks.

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[NSFW] A priest and an old blind woman who plays the church organ, are preparing for the weekly sermon.

Every week, the organ player eats a banana to keep her energy up before the crowds arrive, but she always seems to have terrible trouble peeling it.

The priest sees an opportunity and decides to swap the banana for his penis. The organ player grabs his tackle and starts fondling it.

...

Fishing……

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when ...

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

How long does it take for someone to hit the ground after slipping on a banana peel?

1 bananosecond.

Why did the banana go to see the doctor?

Because it wasn't peeling very well.

Chuck Norris doesn't unpeel bananas...

He unbananas peels

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

A blonde is walking down the street and sees a banana peel 10 ft in front of her

She says to herself "Oh no not again."

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Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.
‎
At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

Why are Bananas so Popular?

Because they have a Peel for Everyone!

Where did the two bananas settle their legal dispute?

The court of A-peels

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

A no-armed man is looking for a job...

... so he goes to the local church. He tells the priest he will ring the church's bell every hour, on the hour.
The priest is dubious, and asks how the man is going to do that with no arms. The man says not to worry, he'll handle that. "I'll do it for free the first week, so you can see I can h...

first grade level joke

why did the banana put on sun screen?

answer: so it wouldn't peel!

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a pizza?

I don't peel the crust off of a pizza before I eat it

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

NSFW: Why don't old men go down on old women?

Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

You should be a banana for Halloween

Then you know your costume as a-peel!

Conductor

One day, a train conductor is walking down the aisle making sure everyone has a ticket. As he’s making his way down he sees the mayor, he asks the mayor for his ticket and the mayor says “dang I must’ve forgotten it in my car” and the conductor says “no ticket, no ride” and he throws the mayor out o...

*Dead Baby Warning* What's the Difference...

between a dead baby and an orange peel?


My neighbors don't call the police when I throw an orange peel in their yard. Pricks...

My wife left me because every tangerine I bought had exactly five slices

She said I didn't have six a peel.

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I had a new cocktail this evening. It’s called “The Donald”.

It’s an orange peel on top of a White Russian.

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What does a fruit fetishist and a guy who slips on a sidewalk have in common?

"Fucking banana peels!!"

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Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

Why are Spiderman stickers the stickiest?

They don't peel so good.

Back In My Day

I can't believe how much smarter kids are today, compared to when I was young.

Elementary kids all use a Smartphones to educate and entertain themselves.

When I was a kid, entertainment was putting glue on my hands, so I could peel it off when it dried.

Did you hear about the guy who slipped on a banana and sued?

He won the trial, but he got overturned on a peel.

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

A girlfriend wants her boyfriend dead

But she doesn’t know how to commit a murder. She calls one of her best friends and tells her “I want him dead, but I’m to scared to do it. Could you help?”
Her best friend tells her “It’s alright, I got this and I’ll make it look like an accident.”

The next day the police are called beca...

Why don’t blondes eat M&M’s?

They’re too hard to peel.

An Indian is calmly having breakfast...

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an

American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside

him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We on...

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Check this one out (I half made this up)

A boy in middle school is having his first sex ed class and he's learning about safe sex. The teachers says he's going to demonstrate how to put on a condom using a banana. The boy learns a lot, so when he goes home he tells him mom what he learned. His mom responds:

"He put a banana peel on ...

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Why did the man rip the skin off a banana then wrap it around his dick and use it as a pocket pussy?

Because it had sex-a-peel

I've heard Bananas can help stop diarrhea..

But I just don't know whether to take off the peel before inserting it.

Why did the orange go to the doctor?

Because she wasn't peeling very well...

All credit to my 8 yo son who suggested I post it here

A man is on trial for murder.

The judge asks him to give his version of the story, and how he pleads.

The defendant replies: "Innocent, your honor. I am not sure what exactly happened myself, I was sitting on a park bench, enjoying the nice weather, peeling an apple with my pocket knife, when suddenly this guy trips on th...

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Husband wants wife to be more vocal in bed

Husband was telling his wife she needed to be a bit more vocal during sex. "I'd love to hear some moaning to really turn me on he said" His wife promised to give it a go next time.

That night they were in bed and and getting right into it, the wife remembered her promise, " That lamp shade n...

Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas?

It's super ape peeling.

(Courtesy of a two year old preschooler) why did the banana go to the doctor?...

Because he didn’t peel right!

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