UPJOKE
soundspeechsingersingingtonemusicexpressionpartmelodylinevocalsongmessagelanguagespeaking

Voices Jokes

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.


Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

Man goes to confession, complaining of hearing voices

"Father, everyday I hear a voice telling me how bad I am, and chastising me for all the things I've done wrong in my life. Am I possessed?"

"No", says the priest, "just married".

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head.

Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.

You know why I like girls with raspy voices?

I assume they are all done yelling for the day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The therapists asked me "So, you were saying you hear voices..."

me: Yes

therapist: how often?

mom: Who are you talking to?

me: I'm talking to my therapist, mom

mom: What therapist? You've been holed up in that room all day long!

therapist: You still live with your mother?

me: No, sir, I live alone.

If you're hearing voices from God: Are you a prophet, a Pentacostal, or a schizophrenic?

Pastor: "Tell that to a philosopher."

Me: "Even better, a psychologist."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

Why don't Ewoks yell inside?

Because they use their Endor voices!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voices

A man worked his whole adult life on an assembly line. Day in, day out, same boring thing. Then one day in the middle of his mind numbing shift he hears a little voice whisper: "*Quit your job, sell your house and belongings, take the money,go to Vegas."* He was startled, but shook it off and went...

Doctor, I keep hearing strange voices from my underpants

Patient: Doctor, I keep hearing strange voices from my underpants

Doctor: Ignore them, they're talking bollocks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Voices In His Head

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, an...

The voices in my head may not be real,

but they have some good ideas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think i pissed off the voices in my head.

They are giving me the silent treatment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hears voices

One day a man started hearing voices in his head telling him to leave his job and family and go to Vegas. He ignored it at first, but things were stressful at home so the next day when he heard it again, he took it as a sign and left everything behind.

As he approached Vegas, the voice in hi...

A man visits his doctor, complaining of hearing voices in his leg.

The doctor asks if the man has seen his psychiatrist, but the man insisted, "You are the family doctor, you are the only one that I trust with this."

The doctor uses his stethoscope on his patient's knee. He hears "Hey, hey doc, can you lend me 5 dollars?"

The doctor is alarmed, but co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The voices in my head are ok, I can deal with them…

It’s the voices outside my head that bother me and fuck my life up…

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

I heard that Justin Timberlake will be doing one of the voices in the new dark crystal series

He’s bringing skeksis back

An elderly man in Louisiana ...

... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there f...

A guy walks into a bar .........

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there mulling over his day he hears a high pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The guy looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking no more of it. The voice, however, returns sayin...

I like the voices in my head like I like my dads

Always there, never to lea— SHUT UP DAVE!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says I should stop talking to the voices in my head.

But my wife says I don’t have a therapist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are walking through the woods when suddenly voices ring out from the trees.

"You call those muscles?" "I bet your grandma is stronger than you" "I could beat you with one flick"

One of the men shouted into the woods, "Oh yeah? You wanna fight? Show yourself cowards!"

His friend laughed and said, "Just ignore them, those are just the Shit-talking mushrooms."

I hear voices in my head sometimes.

I just ignore them and keep killing people.

I wonder if deaf schizophrenic people hear voices...

I never asked them

A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he's the only customer.

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he'll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: "Nice shirt!" He looks around, but can't see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on ...

What did the the psychologist say to his patient, who hears voices, about her congestion?

It’s all in your head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always hear voices when I go for a poo.

Shitzophrenia.

I mimic the voices of my previous girlfriends whenever I'm out in public.

I'm a bit of an excentric

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist.

And he says I'm fine.

There's a saying in Korea that a man should listen to the voices of three women.

Their mother, their wife, and the GPS lady.

One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.

A man goes to the doctor and says that he can hear voices coming from his underwear.

Doctor says "Don't listen to them. They're talking bollocks."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I take a dump I hear voices inside my head...

I think I might have shitsophrenia

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.