You stole my viola, cello, and double bass.

You made me so angry, I'm violint now.

​

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.

He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notice...

A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday

After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks:

“What did you learn in your first lesson?”

“I learned all the notes on the E string!”

The next week he comes home and mom asks:

“What did you learn this week?”

“I learned all the notes on the A string!”...

So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.

In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he repli...

How did the amateur bass player introduce himself?

Hey guys, so I play the guitar, lowkey

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your door?

The knocking is off rhythm and they don’t know when to come in.

Where do you catch a Lance Bass?

In a Timberlake!

A Woman Goes to Bass Pro

A woman goes into the local Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you ...

How did the lone bass singer blow away the audience?

By singing so low.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

musician joke

A band is playing a gig. These are the inner thoughts of the individual members.


Guitarrist: "Man I'm way to quiet. Sound guy fucked up, no one can here me"
Drummer: "Damn that gal in the first row, gonna talk to her after the show"
Keyboarder: "That keyboard is fine, but I wi...

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They’re actually in the middle of performing Beethoven’s 9th symphony, but there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the condu...

What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

Why was the bass player arrested?

He was caught fingering A minor.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they're never in the light anyways.

What do you call Al Gore when he’s playing the bass?

An algorithm

Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing h...

What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar but you can’t TUNA FISH!

unless you play bass

A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student.

The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string.

Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string.

The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is....

I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker".

It was sound advice.

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

A bassist.

(Don't get triggered, I play bass and I find this funny)

I went fishing recently and caught a 20lb sea bass. I tried to mount it

But I was arrested for indecent exposure.

What do you get when you mix acid with bass?

The 90s

I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish and a hammerfer.

What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.

My 8year old friend thinks this is the greatest joke, I thought so too when I was his age.

What do you call a dog who likes a lot of bass in his music?

A Sub-Woofer.

Why was the bass player the most popular person in the band?

He was a need to know bassist.

Why do pirates like the treble in songs over the bass?

Because they like the high C's

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's at the bottom of Bass Lake?

Bass crap

Why didn't anybody notice the bass clef?

Because it was low-key.

How does a bass player pick up girls?

He says "Hi I'm a guitarist"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What´s the similarity between a bass solo and a premature ejaculation?

You know its coming but there´s nothing you can do about it.

My friend caught the biggest sea bass I have ever seen. You'll never going to believe what he used on the hook.

Click bait

why is the bass player stuck outside?

he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway

What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

A Man is Shipwrecked On A Tropical Island...

He finds a native village on the shore. The people there take him in, and he has a pleasant life while waiting for rescue. Only one thing bothers him. From the villages up in the hills he can hear drums beating constantly, night and day.
He talks to the chief of the village,
"Those drums ...

Why can't you go fishing with Skrillex?

Because he always drops the bass.

What happens when a DJ is playing a song with a small bass drop?

The crowd goes mild.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Typical bass players

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the basses don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go ...

"Drums good, drums okay." x-post from /r/Bass

An explorer is deep in the jungle, in a corner of the earth never before seen by civilized man. Suddenly, he hears drums in the distance. He turns to his faithful native guide and asks what the drums mean.

"No worry, no worry," says the guide, "drums good, drums okay."

The explorer, tr...

Women don't like bass players, apparently...

Whenever I say I like thick G-strings they allways walk away, I don't know why.

What do you do at a festival when the bass is too much?

Drop some acid, it'll neutralize the effect

So a horse wants to start a band...

The horse needs some of his friend from the farm to help him out so they can become a band.

First he needs a guitarist, and who better than his friend chicken who played guitar for 3 years. He asks chicken if he wants to join and he agrees.

Next he needs a drummer, so horse thought a...

I was going to make a bass joke

but I dropped it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Learning to play the bass

Little Bobby Tavoli came to his father one day and said, "Father, I want to learn how to play the bass."

Having been burned before when Little Bobby decided he wanted to learn something and then quit, Papa Tavoli replied, "That's fine Little Bobby, but you have to stick to it this time. After...

A boy wants to play the bass...

... So his mother buys him a bass and takes the boy to his first lesson. An hour later he comes back, and his mother asks him what he learned. "This is a G, " says the boy, playing a G, "this is an F, this is a B," and continues to play random notes. The mother smiles politely and applauded his good...

The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink ...

What do you throw a drowning bass player?

His amp

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV ...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

A spill

While doing a lab experiment I was listening to music by a band who's bassist was a known drug abuser. During his solo, I slipped on some spilled vinegar & lost my grip on a beaker full of sodium hydroxide.
Looks like while he was tripping on acid dropping the bass, I was tripping on acid dro...

I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

What's the three toughest years of a bass player?

Second grade.

What did the man say when the bass was too loud for his ears?

"That megahertz"

What did the woman get in response when she asked if his ears were okay?

100 watts

I'm going to buy 100 mounted fish and fill a room with them.

When someone comes over and asks where the bathroom is, I'll send them to that room instead. As soon as they come back disappointed, I'll say, "I'm sorry, I thought you said my bassroom!"

Why did the bass player miss his second lesson?

He had a gig that night.

Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night.

In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VER...

A man decides he wants to learn to play bass.

He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. The next lesson the instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end...

Why can't you hear the bass on Metallica's And Justice For All album?

Because they threw the bass player under the bus.

Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest?

Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.

A bass player runs into a bar...

where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped insid...

What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

What is the bass players preferred method of contraception?

His personality.

A man is on a tropical vacation

A man goes to a pacific island for vacation. As the boat nears, he notices the constant sound of drumming. As he gets off the boat, he asks a native how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when drumming stops."
Later that day, the drumming is still go...

How long does it take to tune a double bass?

Nobody knows.

Why can't the drums never stop?

A man goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks, "Wow, this is cool."

He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, and he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.

This g...

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick ...

Why couldn't the drummer make it to the show?

He locked the bass player in the car.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Really disappointed with the new Beatles album

It's all drum & bass

Why didn't skrillex's buds ever invite him to go fishing?

Because he always dropped the bass.

What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

Why Aren't DJs allowed in the Fish Market?

They always drop the bass.

A catfish was having trouble sleeping.

The bass nextdoor was too loud.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fly is buzzing around over the surface of a lake...

Beneath the water the fly is being watched by a bass, who is thinking the fish equivalent of “if that fly drops 6 inches, I can leap out of the water and eat him”.

Meanwhile, a bear is watching the bass, the very same bass watching the fly. It knows that if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish i...

What do you call a fish that knows mysql?

A data bass

My uncle spent a year in an African village while he was in the Peace Corp...

...when he arrived, he noticed there was some drumming noise coming from far away. He asked the Chief, who replied "Drums good. when drums stop, no good."
The next days, the drums continued. When my uncle asked if it was the same drums as yesterday, the chief replied "Drums good. when drum...

I overlayed some dubstep to my favorite video of a clumsy fisherman

I synced them up to when they drop the bass.

A farmer from the midwest was trying to sell his farm so he could retire in Florida.

The farm had been on the market for several months with no prospects until a man stopped and asked about the place.

The farmer explains that there were 1,000 acres half farmable and the other half beautiful timber with a trout stream and a small pond full of small mouth bass.

The man...

Why couldn’t the DJ keep any of the fish he caught?

He kept dropping the bass

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather ...

Sockeye salmon is okay...

...but barefootear bass is where it's at.