Did you know that seals can't hear bass?

It's true - the seal hearing range bottoms out at 1000 Hertz.

No wonder they don't like clubbing.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

What do you call a chihuahua that plays heavy bass music?

A sub woofer.

A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation

to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?" The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the dr...

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.

In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he repli...

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You stole my viola, cello, and double bass.

You made me so angry, I'm violint now.

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Why doesn't Scooby Doo like bass players?

They're racists

A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that?
There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later.
He sees the wife and asks wher...

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, he'll mess it up and the guitarist will have to do it.

What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

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You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

Unless it's a bass.

So I heard Katy Perry just lost a case for stealing a bass line, and will probably lose a bit of money?

I guess you can call that a *repercussion.*

A Man Washes Up on an Island.

The natives are friendly and welcome him. He enjoys their hospitality, but notices the sound of loud drums in the jungle playing round-the-clock.

After a couple of days of this, he asks a native, “Why do the drums keep playing?”

The native says very seriously, “You don’t want the drum...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

There was once a billionaire philanthropist with a curious idea....

"What would happen if he gave modern musical instruments to tribal people who have never been in contact with the outer world? He decided to do just that, and to return after 10 years. The tribesmen were given an electric guitar, bass, a drum kit, digital keys, everything needed to make music with o...

Quack a doodle doo

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anyt...

How did the amateur bass player introduce himself?

Hey guys, so I play the guitar, lowkey

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They’re actually in the middle of performing Beethoven’s 9th symphony, but there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the condu...

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your front door?

The knocking is out of time and they don't know when to come in.

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A rock band was booed by the crowd.

The drum player and the bass player drink in a bar, depressed as fuck, trying to figure out what went wrong.
'It's probably the stage sound', the bass player suggests. 'That engineer can't mix shit in a bowl, let alone sound.'
'Come on, we've had worse. At least the monitors were working.'...

Choirs tend to be less picky when auditioning basses, since there aren't as many of them

Just another example of special treatment for vocal minorities

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What do you get when you cross an illegitimate fish with a piece of shit?

A bass turd

Yes . . . shitty joke. Craptastic.

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.

He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notice...

Why was the bass player arrested?

He was caught fingering A minor.

Where do you catch a Lance Bass?

In a Timberlake!

What do you call a deep voiced singer who’s always grabbing his crotch?

A bass ball player

How did the lone bass singer blow away the audience?

By singing so low.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they're never in the light anyways.

What's the stupidest kind of fish?

A dumb bass

Did you ever hear the one about the stuttering DJ?

He really liked to "D-D-DDDD-DROP THE BASS"

Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing h...

A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student.

The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string.

Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string.

The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is....

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A fisherman was kicked out of his band.

They didn’t like the way he was slappin the bass.

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker".

It was sound advice.

What do you call Al Gore when he’s playing the bass?

An algorithm

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What’s a fisherman’s favorite type of music?

Hard bass.

I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish and a hammerfer.

What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.

My 8year old friend thinks this is the greatest joke, I thought so too when I was his age.

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Fishing is a great way to recuperate.

Whenever you’re feeling bluegill or like nobody gives a crappie. Or if you’ve fallen on your bass and you’re sturgeon for the truth. Don’t ever trout that cod will be there for you.

What do you call a dog who likes a lot of bass in his music?

A Sub-Woofer.

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I went fishing recently and caught a 20lb sea bass. I tried to mount it

But I was arrested for indecent exposure.

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Jesus, moses and a an old man go play a round of golf.

On the first tee Jesus tees of first. He slices the ball badly into the water. He then walks to edge of the pond and "parts the seas", he walks out into the dry pond and smacks his ball up onto the green.

Moses goes next, he too slices his ball into the water. He goes out and walks on water ...

What do you get when you mix acid with bass?

The 90s

Why didn't anybody notice the bass clef?

Because it was low-key.

How does a bass player pick up girls?

He says "Hi I'm a guitarist"

why is the bass player stuck outside?

he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway

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What's at the bottom of Bass Lake?

Bass crap

What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV ...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

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Typical bass players

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the basses don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go ...

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What's the difference between a steamed fish and a stupid donkey?

One's a dum bass, the other's a dumb ass.

My friend caught the biggest sea bass I have ever seen. You'll never going to believe what he used on the hook.

Click bait

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What´s the similarity between a bass solo and a premature ejaculation?

You know its coming but there´s nothing you can do about it.

Why do pirates like the treble in songs over the bass?

Because they like the high C's

What allowed the B boys to make it in hip hop and drum n bass?

The A men break

What do fishermen call each other?

I don't know, dumb bass!

What happens when a DJ is playing a song with a small bass drop?

The crowd goes mild.

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A boy wants to play the bass...

... So his mother buys him a bass and takes the boy to his first lesson. An hour later he comes back, and his mother asks him what he learned. "This is a G, " says the boy, playing a G, "this is an F, this is a B," and continues to play random notes. The mother smiles politely and applauded his good...

Why was the bass player the most popular person in the band?

He was a need to know bassist.

Women don't like bass players, apparently...

Whenever I say I like thick G-strings they allways walk away, I don't know why.

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Learning to play the bass

Little Bobby Tavoli came to his father one day and said, "Father, I want to learn how to play the bass."

Having been burned before when Little Bobby decided he wanted to learn something and then quit, Papa Tavoli replied, "That's fine Little Bobby, but you have to stick to it this time. After...

What do you do at a festival when the bass is too much?

Drop some acid, it'll neutralize the effect

I saw a dubstep/ska band the other day

First the drop the bass and then they pickituppickituppickitup

I was going to make a bass joke

but I dropped it

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Limerick

There once was a lady from Bass

Who had a magnificent ass.

Not rosy and pink like you all may think

But was gray, had long ears and ate grass!

I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

So a horse wants to start a band...

The horse needs some of his friend from the farm to help him out so they can become a band.

First he needs a guitarist, and who better than his friend chicken who played guitar for 3 years. He asks chicken if he wants to join and he agrees.

Next he needs a drummer, so horse thought a...

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick ...

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My parents were fish

My parents were both fish, but my dad left before I was born. Guess that makes me a bass-turd.



I'll go ahead and leave now.

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What instrument does Darth Vader play?

The rebel bass.

Me and my friends have achieved the level of Led Zeppelin's members in musicianship.

The drummer plays the drums like Jimmy Page, the guitarist plays the guitar like John Bonham, the bassist plays the bass like Robert Plant and I sing like John Paul Jones.

Cop pulled me over

I was pulled over by a cop, for a random breath test

The cop shoved the machine in my face and asked me to count to 5

I counted 1.....2.....3.....4 and looked at him.

He looked back confused, Then I said “I’m a bass player.... I can’t count past 4

A spill

While doing a lab experiment I was listening to music by a band who's bassist was a known drug abuser. During his solo, I slipped on some spilled vinegar & lost my grip on a beaker full of sodium hydroxide.
Looks like while he was tripping on acid dropping the bass, I was tripping on acid dro...

What did the man say when the bass was too loud for his ears?

"That megahertz"

What did the woman get in response when she asked if his ears were okay?

100 watts

What's the three toughest years of a bass player?

Second grade.

Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night.

In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VER...

Why did the bass player miss his second lesson?

He had a gig that night.

Why can't you hear the bass on Metallica's And Justice For All album?

Because they threw the bass player under the bus.

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Why didn't skrillex's buds ever invite him to go fishing?

Because he always dropped the bass.

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A man decides he wants to learn to play bass.

He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. The next lesson the instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end...

A bass player runs into a bar...

where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped insid...

What is the bass players preferred method of contraception?

His personality.

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Why Aren't DJs allowed in the Fish Market?

They always drop the bass.

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Really disappointed with the new Beatles album

It's all drum & bass

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What instrument has no legs, but can still walk?

A bass.

Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest?

Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.

How long does it take to tune a double bass?

Nobody knows.

My uncle spent a year in an African village while he was in the Peace Corp...

...when he arrived, he noticed there was some drumming noise coming from far away. He asked the Chief, who replied "Drums good. when drums stop, no good."
The next days, the drums continued. When my uncle asked if it was the same drums as yesterday, the chief replied "Drums good. when drum...

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A fly is buzzing around over the surface of a lake...

Beneath the water the fly is being watched by a bass, who is thinking the fish equivalent of “if that fly drops 6 inches, I can leap out of the water and eat him”.

Meanwhile, a bear is watching the bass, the very same bass watching the fly. It knows that if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish i...

A catfish was having trouble sleeping.

The bass nextdoor was too loud.

Why couldn’t the DJ keep any of the fish he caught?

He kept dropping the bass

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A farmer from the midwest was trying to sell his farm so he could retire in Florida.

The farm had been on the market for several months with no prospects until a man stopped and asked about the place.

The farmer explains that there were 1,000 acres half farmable and the other half beautiful timber with a trout stream and a small pond full of small mouth bass.

The man...

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