The 96+ Best Bass Jokes

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything abo...

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

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what's atthe bottom of Bass Lake?

Bass turds.

A fifteen year old kid gets an upright bass and starts to take lessons.

After his first lesson, his dad asks him, "what did you learn today?" "I learned to play the A note." After his second lesson his dad asks again, and he responds "I learned to play the D note." After his third lesson his dad asks again and he responds, "I learned to play the E note." After the fourt...

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A groupie meets a band for the first time.

She is introduced to the singer and guitarist, then the bass player, who only has one arm. She asks how he plays with only one arm, and he says "watch!"

He proceeds to pull out his enormous erect penis and while he frets his bass he uses his dick to play the strings. He's thrusting and gyra...

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

How many bass guitarists do you need to change a lightbulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him how to do it first.

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

What’s the difference between Netflix and a Bass guitar?

Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

What do you call a really stupid fish?

A dumb bass

Why are bass guitarists always safe?

Because they stay out of treble.

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

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Hole-y Golf

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf one day.

The hole is a par 3 with a huge lake in front of the tee.

Jesus steps up, takes his swing, BOOM, the ball flies up and lands on the edge of the opposite side of the lake.

Jesus walks across the water, hits his ball to land ...

An unhappy couple go to a marriage counselor

He tries to work with them, but they absolutely refuse to talk about anything in front of each other. The counselor gets fed up, gets his bass out, and starts playing it.

The couple sit there looking at each other dumbfounded. The counselor keeps playing. After several minutes of this, the c...

What do you call a thick, sticky liquid that also can’t play bass guitar?

SID VISCOUS!

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A costumer came up to me asking to buy a new bass....

So I told him "sir, this is guitar center. You can buy guitars from us. If you want to purchase a bass, you'll have to go to bass pro shop."

What do you say to a bass player with a beautiful women on his arm?

Nice tattoo!

A few years back, I was asked at the last minute to stand in on bass for Geddy Lee, just for one night.

It was a Rush job...

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How do you tell the difference between a fisher and a musician?

You ask them to say the word bass.

My neighbors are ALWAYS listening to very loud Drum and Bass

Whether they like it or not.

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

Bass guitarist.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.

In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he repli...

Why is the bass player always the happiest person in the band?

The guitar player needs to know how to score weed

The singer needs to know how to score chicks

The drummer needs to own a van big enough for the gear

And the bass player gets weed, chicks, and a ride home

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

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Barnyard Blues

There’s this horse in a barn and he’s watching TV and he sees a rock band playing music so he calls up a music teacher “Hey, I wanna learn to play guitar, there’s only 1 problem I’m a horse” music teacher says “no problem I can teach anyone anything” 2 months go by and horse is shredding it on the g...

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song way back in 1969 and then went on to play with Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band for that matter, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They’re actually in the middle of performing Beethoven’s 9th symphony, but there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the condu...

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I like to play the bass.

My wife likes to play the fisherman. We have some strange roleplay.

I was U2's bass player in their early days

One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.

I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? (What are your favorite musician jokes?)

The knocking gets faster as it goes on.

You hear a knock on your door, you open it to find a bass player standing there. What do you do?

Pay him for the pizza!

Two drummers walk past a bar...

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put ...

I was going to make a bass joke

But I dropped it

I can't stand bass players

They're always starting everything.

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The very first joke I ever came up with (eight years old)

Q: What’s at the bottom of Bass Lake?

A: Bass turds.

......

Now that I’m 52, the aftermath is actually funnier than the joke. I told the neighbor kid, who told his little brother, who told his mother, who told his father, who told my father, who angrily explained to me what a ba...

A bass guitar and an oboe had an affair.

It was very low key.

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your front door?

The knocking is out of time and they don't know when to come in.

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Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing h...

How do you get the bass player to leave the party?

Pay him for the pizza.

I saw a former vice present playing bass recommend to me on Youtube.

I think something was wrong with its Al Gore rhythm.

There once was a double bass player who always had problems with timing. Over time it got him so desperate and frustrated that he...

...threw himself behind a train

What happens when you mix acid and bass?

Dubstep

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that?
There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later.
He sees the wife and asks wher...

What's does Drum and Bass have in common with my crying son?

160 beats per minute

What instrument do fish play?

The bass guitar

Why was the bass player arrested?

He was caught fingering A minor.

I'm playing bass trying to keep my mind off of some problems

You could definitely say I'm fretting

Did you hear about the bass vocalist who decided to leave the choir?

He wanted to see how well he would do as a SO LOW singer

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I’m bisexual and I play bass and electric guitar

I suppose I string both ways

A man asks for a beer in a deep bass voice...

...the bartender, in an equally deep voice, says, "Here you go."

I moment later, a man next to him says, in a high, squeaky voice, "I'll have a beer, too."

The bartender replies, also in a high squeaky voice, "Here you go."

"Hey," says the squeaky-voiced man, "Are you making fun...

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Typical bass players

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the basses don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go ...

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You stole my viola, cello, and double bass.

You made me so angry, I'm violint now.

why is the bass player stuck outside?

he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway

A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student.

The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string.

Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string.

The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is....

What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

What do you call a dog who likes a lot of bass in his music?

A Sub-Woofer.

What do you call a chihuahua that plays heavy bass music?

A sub woofer.

Did you know that seals can't hear bass?

It's true - the seal hearing range bottoms out at 1000 Hertz.

No wonder they don't like clubbing.

I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker".

It was sound advice.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they're never in the light anyways.

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A boy wants to play the bass...

... So his mother buys him a bass and takes the boy to his first lesson. An hour later he comes back, and his mother asks him what he learned. "This is a G, " says the boy, playing a G, "this is an F, this is a B," and continues to play random notes. The mother smiles politely and applauded his good...

What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

A couple are on holiday on a pacific island...

When they arrive they hear a constant drum beat; the ask the taxi driver and he says "Drums must never stop!"

They get to the hotel and the drumming is still going, so they ask the cleaner and she says "Drums must never stop!"

The drums continue all night and the couple can't sleep. Ex...

I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish and a hammerfer.

What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.

My 8year old friend thinks this is the greatest joke, I thought so too when I was his age.

How did the amateur bass player introduce himself?

Hey guys, so I play the guitar, lowkey

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (...

Where do you catch a Lance Bass?

In a Timberlake!

How does a bass player pick up girls?

He says "Hi I'm a guitarist"

Why didn't anybody notice the bass clef?

Because it was low-key.

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.

He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notice...

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I went fishing recently and caught a 20lb sea bass. I tried to mount it

But I was arrested for indecent exposure.

Choirs tend to be less picky when auditioning basses, since there aren't as many of them

Just another example of special treatment for vocal minorities

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Learning to play the bass

Little Bobby Tavoli came to his father one day and said, "Father, I want to learn how to play the bass."

Having been burned before when Little Bobby decided he wanted to learn something and then quit, Papa Tavoli replied, "That's fine Little Bobby, but you have to stick to it this time. After...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

I recently decided to learn a new instrument and join a band, I decided to try the bass because it seemed easy enough. After a few weeks of having it I went and tried out for a band. After a horrible performance the judges looked at me and asked if this had been some kind of joke.

I was absolutely floored and caught off guard, from the beginning I thought I could get in by just walking in and pulling a few strings.

What happens when a DJ is playing a song with a small bass drop?

The crowd goes mild.

My friend caught the biggest sea bass I have ever seen. You'll never going to believe what he used on the hook.

Click bait

How did the lone bass singer blow away the audience?

By singing so low.

A bass player runs into a bar...

where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped insid...

What do you do at a festival when the bass is too much?

Drop some acid, it'll neutralize the effect

Why was the bass player the most popular person in the band?

He was a need to know bassist.

Women don't like bass players, apparently...

Whenever I say I like thick G-strings they allways walk away, I don't know why.

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What´s the similarity between a bass solo and a premature ejaculation?

You know its coming but there´s nothing you can do about it.

Why can't you hear the bass on Metallica's And Justice For All album?

Because they threw the bass player under the bus.

Why do pirates like the treble in songs over the bass?

Because they like the high C's

Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest?

Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.

A very rich man is having a very big party on the hottest day of the year

The party features a full big band performance and an open bar. In order to fight the extreme heat, the party is littered with large fans running full blast, inadvertantly causing the musicians to tie the sheet music down to their music stands to prevent them from blowing away. Meanwhile, the bass s...

What's the three toughest years of a bass player?

Second grade.

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A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

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A man decides he wants to learn to play bass.

He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. The next lesson the instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end...

What is the bass players preferred method of contraception?

His personality.

Why did the bass player miss his second lesson?

He had a gig that night.

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