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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything abo...

Q: How do you know if a bass player is successful?

A: His girlfriend has a job.

What do you call a thick, sticky liquid that also can’t play bass guitar?

SID VISCOUS!

Why are bass guitarists always safe?

Because they stay out of treble.

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How do you tell the difference between a fisher and a musician?

You ask them to say the word bass.

A few years back, I was asked at the last minute to stand in on bass for Geddy Lee, just for one night.

It was a Rush job...

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The very first joke I ever came up with (eight years old)

Q: What’s at the bottom of Bass Lake?

A: Bass turds.

......

Now that I’m 52, the aftermath is actually funnier than the joke. I told the neighbor kid, who told his little brother, who told his mother, who told his father, who told my father, who angrily explained to me what a ba...

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

What do you say to a bass player with a beautiful women on his arm?

Nice tattoo!

There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music. All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.

Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practicioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn’t satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream. She told her next door...

My neighbors are ALWAYS listening to very loud Drum and Bass

Whether they like it or not.

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A horse is hanging out in a barn watching MTV.

He sees a guy on stage playing the guitar and says, "I want to learn the guitar!" So he calls up a music teacher and tells him he wants to learn the guitar. Only problem is, he's a horse. Music teacher says "no problem, come on in and I'll teach you guitar." Horse goes to see the music teacher and l...

What do you call a fish that is not smart, a dumb bass

Now laugh

Why is the bass player always the happiest person in the band?

The guitar player needs to know how to score weed

The singer needs to know how to score chicks

The drummer needs to own a van big enough for the gear

And the bass player gets weed, chicks, and a ride home

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its bass fishing and was stopped by a game warden.

The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-hour...

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song way back in 1969 and then went on to play with Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band for that matter, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

A bass player dies and goes to hell

when he gets there, he’s surprised to find Keith Moon immediately greeting him.

“Hey man, you’ve gotta join our band. We’ve got Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn on guitar, and Im on drums”

the bassist looks confused and says “wait, this is hell right? that sounds awesome!”

“we...

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I like to play the bass.

My wife likes to play the fisherman. We have some strange roleplay.

I saw a former vice present playing bass recommend to me on Youtube.

I think something was wrong with its Al Gore rhythm.

How do you lock a bass player out of a car?

Leave the drummer inside with the keys.

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (...

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They’re actually in the middle of performing Beethoven’s 9th symphony, but there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the condu...

So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.

In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he repli...

I was going to make a bass joke

But I dropped it

I can't stand bass players

They're always starting everything.

A bass guitar and an oboe had an affair.

It was very low key.

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

How do you get the bass player to leave the party?

Pay him for the pizza.

What happens when you mix acid and bass?

Dubstep

A very rich man is having a very big party on the hottest day of the year

The party features a full big band performance and an open bar. In order to fight the extreme heat, the party is littered with large fans running full blast, inadvertantly causing the musicians to tie the sheet music down to their music stands to prevent them from blowing away. Meanwhile, the bass s...

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

What instrument do fish play?

Sea bass

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your front door?

The knocking is out of time and they don't know when to come in.

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Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing h...

What's does Drum and Bass have in common with my crying son?

160 beats per minute

Musician Pun

The bass singer accidentally got the soprano's sheet music before a concert. Boy, was he in treble!

Did you hear about the bass vocalist who decided to leave the choir?

He wanted to see how well he would do as a SO LOW singer

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I’m bisexual and I play bass and electric guitar

I suppose I string both ways

I'm playing bass trying to keep my mind off of some problems

You could definitely say I'm fretting

A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that?
There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later.
He sees the wife and asks wher...

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A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

A man asks for a beer in a deep bass voice...

...the bartender, in an equally deep voice, says, "Here you go."

I moment later, a man next to him says, in a high, squeaky voice, "I'll have a beer, too."

The bartender replies, also in a high squeaky voice, "Here you go."

"Hey," says the squeaky-voiced man, "Are you making fun...

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You stole my viola, cello, and double bass.

You made me so angry, I'm violint now.

What do you call a chihuahua that plays heavy bass music?

A sub woofer.

Why was the bass player arrested?

He was caught fingering A minor.

Did you know that seals can't hear bass?

It's true - the seal hearing range bottoms out at 1000 Hertz.

No wonder they don't like clubbing.

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Why is fishing with Skrillex so difficult?

He keeps dropping the bass.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, he'll mess it up and the guitarist will have to do it.

A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student.

The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string.

Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string.

The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is....

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Typical bass players

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the basses don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sneak out of the orchestra and go ...

why is the bass player stuck outside?

he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway

What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

What do you call a dog who likes a lot of bass in his music?

A Sub-Woofer.

What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they're never in the light anyways.

I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker".

It was sound advice.

How did the amateur bass player introduce himself?

Hey guys, so I play the guitar, lowkey

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

Where do you catch a Lance Bass?

In a Timberlake!

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I went fishing recently and caught a 20lb sea bass. I tried to mount it

But I was arrested for indecent exposure.

I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish and a hammerfer.

What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.

My 8year old friend thinks this is the greatest joke, I thought so too when I was his age.

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A boy wants to play the bass...

... So his mother buys him a bass and takes the boy to his first lesson. An hour later he comes back, and his mother asks him what he learned. "This is a G, " says the boy, playing a G, "this is an F, this is a B," and continues to play random notes. The mother smiles politely and applauded his good...

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.

He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notice...

Choirs tend to be less picky when auditioning basses, since there aren't as many of them

Just another example of special treatment for vocal minorities

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Pissed off God by not seeing everyday miracles.

There's an old joke...

There's a flood. A man is standing in knee deep water in his house. Another man in a canoe paddles by and says "Get in I'll row you to safety!"

The man says,"No thanks. I've prayed and God will save me".

The water gets to his chest. Another man in a bass b...

How does a bass player pick up girls?

He says "Hi I'm a guitarist"

[oc] Why do you never invite a DJ to fishing

They always drop the bass

A poem

A fisher was fishing a bass

The water came up to his knee.



Strange, it rhymed this morning when there was high tide.

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What did the fish say when it collided with a concrete wall?

“Dam.”
What did the dam say back?
“Dumb bass.”

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Learning to play the bass

Little Bobby Tavoli came to his father one day and said, "Father, I want to learn how to play the bass."

Having been burned before when Little Bobby decided he wanted to learn something and then quit, Papa Tavoli replied, "That's fine Little Bobby, but you have to stick to it this time. After...

Why didn't anybody notice the bass clef?

Because it was low-key.

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

I wanted to open a new Strip Club that serves seafood.

Calling it Bass To Mouth

What happens when a DJ is playing a song with a small bass drop?

The crowd goes mild.

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What's at the bottom of Bass Lake?

Bass crap

I take LSD every time I go to a dubstep concert, but it always wears off.

I think it’s because the bass neutralizes the acid

My friend caught the biggest sea bass I have ever seen. You'll never going to believe what he used on the hook.

Click bait

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Why was the bass player the most popular person in the band?

He was a need to know bassist.

Why do pirates like the treble in songs over the bass?

Because they like the high C's

Women don't like bass players, apparently...

Whenever I say I like thick G-strings they allways walk away, I don't know why.

A bass player runs into a bar...

where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped insid...

What do you do at a festival when the bass is too much?

Drop some acid, it'll neutralize the effect

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What´s the similarity between a bass solo and a premature ejaculation?

You know its coming but there´s nothing you can do about it.

What do you throw at a drowning bass player ?

His amp.

What allowed the B boys to make it in hip hop and drum n bass?

The A men break

What's the three toughest years of a bass player?

Second grade.

I got arrested for fishing without a license at a dubstep festival.

The arresting officer yelled "drop the bass!"

Why can't you hear the bass on Metallica's And Justice For All album?

Because they threw the bass player under the bus.

Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest?

Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.

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A man decides he wants to learn to play bass.

He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. The next lesson the instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end...

What is the bass players preferred method of contraception?

His personality.

Why did the bass player miss his second lesson?

He had a gig that night.

How long does it take to tune a double bass?

Nobody knows.

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

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