A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its bass fishing and was stopped by a game warden.

The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-hour...

My friend said he's learning bass guitar...

...Something about this sounds fishy.

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I’m bisexual and I play bass and electric guitar

I suppose I string both ways

I can't stand bass players

They're always starting everything.

What's does Drum and Bass have in common with my crying son?

160 beats per minute

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song in 1969, then joined Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

A bass guitar and an oboe had an affair.

It was very low key.

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

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The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony

The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.

One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly du...

Did you hear about the bass vocalist who decided to leave the choir?

He wanted to see how well he would do as a SO LOW singer

I'm playing bass trying to keep my mind off of some problems

You could definitely say I'm fretting

Did you know that seals can't hear bass?

It's true - the seal hearing range bottoms out at 1000 Hertz.

No wonder they don't like clubbing.

So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.

In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he repli...

At a Bass Pro Shop

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod for her son's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. An associate is standing there in dark shades. She says "Excuse me, could you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says "...

A man asks for a beer in a deep bass voice...

...the bartender, in an equally deep voice, says, "Here you go."

I moment later, a man next to him says, in a high, squeaky voice, "I'll have a beer, too."

The bartender replies, also in a high squeaky voice, "Here you go."

"Hey," says the squeaky-voiced man, "Are you making fun...

What do you call a chihuahua that plays heavy bass music?

A sub woofer.

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

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What do you get when you cross a DJ with a fish?

A bass dropping the bass.

Choir jokes: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. But you have to wait for the whole world to revolve around her once before she’ll do it.

How many altos does it take?

Four. One to try it and three other to sit around and go, “That’s way too high. I’m not going up there.”

How many tenors?

At least 3. One to...

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Ok so a horse is watchin MTV

The horse is seeing a rock band and thinks "hey I could do that." The horse calls up guitar center and is like "hey I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ha...

A bass player is playing Jazz in the street for fun when suddenly one of his strings breaks.

The Bassist is a little saddened by this, since he can't really play Jazz with only 3 strings. He contemplates whether he should go buy a replacement string, but after some time he decides it could wait and starts playing Rock instead.

He plays Rock for another hour when suddenly another stri...

Three bass players walk into a bar.

They’re actually in the middle of performing Beethoven’s 9th symphony, but there’s a long section near the end where the basses don’t play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.

To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the condu...

What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

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You stole my viola, cello, and double bass.

You made me so angry, I'm violint now.

A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that?
There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later.
He sees the wife and asks wher...

How do you know when a bass player and drummer are at your front door?

The knocking is out of time and they don't know when to come in.

So I heard Katy Perry just lost a case for stealing a bass line, and will probably lose a bit of money?

I guess you can call that a *repercussion.*

How come musicians are terrible at fishing?

They keep dropping the bass

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, he'll mess it up and the guitarist will have to do it.

A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation

to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?" The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the dr...

How did the amateur bass player introduce himself?

Hey guys, so I play the guitar, lowkey

A double bass player

A double bass player gets a call for a gig. Says he has to meet everyone else at the docks at 9pm. He's there waiting when he gets bashed on the head and knocked unconscious.

He wakes up ducked taped to his bass, floating in the harbour. After his first panic fades he looks around and notice...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Why was the bass player arrested?

He was caught fingering A minor.

A Man Washes Up on an Island.

The natives are friendly and welcome him. He enjoys their hospitality, but notices the sound of loud drums in the jungle playing round-the-clock.

After a couple of days of this, he asks a native, “Why do the drums keep playing?”

The native says very seriously, “You don’t want the drum...

Where do you catch a Lance Bass?

In a Timberlake!

Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing h...

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they're never in the light anyways.

A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student.

The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string.

Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string.

The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is....

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The Anthropologist

The anthropologist arrives on the the remote island with his translator. While they waiting for the guide, they distant drumming. They wait at the meeting spot for a whole hour and the drumming doesn't stop.

So then the guide arrives and the translator asks him about the drumming. The tran...

I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker".

It was sound advice.

Choirs tend to be less picky when auditioning basses, since there aren't as many of them

Just another example of special treatment for vocal minorities

I recently decided to learn a new instrument and join a band, I decided to try the bass because it seemed easy enough. After a few weeks of having it I went and tried out for a band. After a horrible performance the judges looked at me and asked if this had been some kind of joke.

I was absolutely floored and caught off guard, from the beginning I thought I could get in by just walking in and pulling a few strings.

What do you call a dog who likes a lot of bass in his music?

A Sub-Woofer.

What do you call a bass player without a GF?

Homeless.

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I went fishing recently and caught a 20lb sea bass. I tried to mount it

But I was arrested for indecent exposure.

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Must have been the Irish orchestra.

For Bruce Shackett

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sn...

I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish and a hammerfer.

What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.

My 8year old friend thinks this is the greatest joke, I thought so too when I was his age.

A tourist takes a trip to a rain forest

In order to help guide him through the forest, he hires two local guides. About halfway through their trek they start to hear drums in the distance. The two guides look at each other with a concerned look. The tourist asks "Is something wrong?". The first guide says "No sir, as long as drums play. W...

What do you call Al Gore when he’s playing the bass?

An algorithm

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In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

why is the bass player stuck outside?

he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway

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You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

Unless it's a bass.

How do you get a bass player off of your porch?

You pay for your pizza.

What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

How does a bass player pick up girls?

He says "Hi I'm a guitarist"

What do you get when you mix acid with bass?

The 90s

Why didn't anybody notice the bass clef?

Because it was low-key.

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What's at the bottom of Bass Lake?

Bass crap

There was once a billionaire philanthropist with a curious idea....

"What would happen if he gave modern musical instruments to tribal people who have never been in contact with the outer world? He decided to do just that, and to return after 10 years. The tribesmen were given an electric guitar, bass, a drum kit, digital keys, everything needed to make music with o...

What happens when a DJ is playing a song with a small bass drop?

The crowd goes mild.

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A boy wants to play the bass...

... So his mother buys him a bass and takes the boy to his first lesson. An hour later he comes back, and his mother asks him what he learned. "This is a G, " says the boy, playing a G, "this is an F, this is a B," and continues to play random notes. The mother smiles politely and applauded his good...

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

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A rock band was booed by the crowd.

The drum player and the bass player drink in a bar, depressed as fuck, trying to figure out what went wrong.
'It's probably the stage sound', the bass player suggests. 'That engineer can't mix shit in a bowl, let alone sound.'
'Come on, we've had worse. At least the monitors were working.'...

What's the stupidest kind of fish?

A dumb bass

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What´s the similarity between a bass solo and a premature ejaculation?

You know its coming but there´s nothing you can do about it.

Why do pirates like the treble in songs over the bass?

Because they like the high C's

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Learning to play the bass

Little Bobby Tavoli came to his father one day and said, "Father, I want to learn how to play the bass."

Having been burned before when Little Bobby decided he wanted to learn something and then quit, Papa Tavoli replied, "That's fine Little Bobby, but you have to stick to it this time. After...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

Why was the bass player the most popular person in the band?

He was a need to know bassist.

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What do you get when you cross an illegitimate fish with a piece of shit?

A bass turd

Yes . . . shitty joke. Craptastic.

My friend caught the biggest sea bass I have ever seen. You'll never going to believe what he used on the hook.

Click bait

Women don't like bass players, apparently...

Whenever I say I like thick G-strings they allways walk away, I don't know why.

What do you do at a festival when the bass is too much?

Drop some acid, it'll neutralize the effect

Did you ever hear the one about the stuttering DJ?

He really liked to "D-D-DDDD-DROP THE BASS"

I was going to make a bass joke

but I dropped it

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

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What’s a fisherman’s favorite type of music?

Hard bass.

What do you call a deep voiced singer who’s always grabbing his crotch?

A bass ball player

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A fisherman was kicked out of his band.

They didn’t like the way he was slappin the bass.

What did the man say when the bass was too loud for his ears?

"That megahertz"

What did the woman get in response when she asked if his ears were okay?

100 watts

What's the three toughest years of a bass player?

Second grade.

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Jesus, moses and a an old man go play a round of golf.

On the first tee Jesus tees of first. He slices the ball badly into the water. He then walks to edge of the pond and "parts the seas", he walks out into the dry pond and smacks his ball up onto the green.

Moses goes next, he too slices his ball into the water. He goes out and walks on water ...

What is the bass players preferred method of contraception?

His personality.

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Fishing is a great way to recuperate.

Whenever you’re feeling bluegill or like nobody gives a crappie. Or if you’ve fallen on your bass and you’re sturgeon for the truth. Don’t ever trout that cod will be there for you.

Horse, Chicken, Cow

So there is this horse, he is watching TV and sees this really awesome band. He really zeroes in on the lead guitarist. He wants to learn so bad. So he calls the local music instructor and asks if he can teach him to play the guitar. So after a few months, the horse plays exactly like his favori...

Why did the bass player miss his second lesson?

He had a gig that night.

Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest?

Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.

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A man decides he wants to learn to play bass.

He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. The next lesson the instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end...

A bass player runs into a bar...

where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped insid...

Why can't you hear the bass on Metallica's And Justice For All album?

Because they threw the bass player under the bus.

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What's the difference between a steamed fish and a stupid donkey?

One's a dum bass, the other's a dumb ass.

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick ...

So a horse wants to start a band...

The horse needs some of his friend from the farm to help him out so they can become a band.

First he needs a guitarist, and who better than his friend chicken who played guitar for 3 years. He asks chicken if he wants to join and he agrees.

Next he needs a drummer, so horse thought a...

How long does it take to tune a double bass?

Nobody knows.

I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

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My parents were fish

My parents were both fish, but my dad left before I was born. Guess that makes me a bass-turd.



I'll go ahead and leave now.

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