All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra.

I had to call the police to report domestic violins.

Did you know that someone said you sounded like an owl?

Me: Who?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men were passing by a synagogue Rosh Hashanah when they heard a loud noise that sounded like a horn.

“What the heck was that?”
“Oh, the Jews are blowing the shofar on their new year.”
“Wow! They know how to treat their help!”

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

My girlfriend sounded happy while she was breaking up with me over the phone, but I could barely hear her because of the bad reception.

I guess you could say she was ex-static.

So I walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.

I walked over and said: "So, are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, I joined the "I have yet to fuck a goat" group because it sounded funny.

As an adult, it seems much less funny, but now I dare not quit it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local theater was putting on a group of XXX roman plays. I thought it sounded sexy so I decided to go.

It was thirty plays

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I probably didn't help my case when I went to court for child molestation charges today, when the judge asked how 6-10 years sounded?

Sexy, I replied.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

The Heimlich Maneuver always sounded like a power combo.

⬅️⬅️➡️⬇️⬆️🅰️🅱️

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three women talking in what sounded like Scottish accent. So I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland?” One of them turned red when she heard me and said, "It’s Wales you fool!” So I apologized and replied,

"I do apologise, Are you three whales from Scotland?"

credit: u/Brailledit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female friend told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your c...

Cracking open a cold one with the boys sounded like a lot of fun,

until we pulled up to the morgue.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

Some travelers where going down a path when they stopped to ask for directions to a native...

He said," I would go that way to the forest. But, don't go this way." He said pointing to a path behind him. "There's a bacon tree." The travelers where very hungry and thought a bacon tree sounded pretty good to them. So, they ignored the native's warnings and went to the path behind him. But, all ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.