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Sounded Jokes

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

Where do people go to learn about what cats sounded like through history?

The mewseum.

I heard of the infantry and thought it sounded great!

I just sent my toddler there!

All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra.

I had to call the police to report domestic violins.

I don't normally go out, but Open Mike Night sounded fun.

Then we got to the morgue.

The fish's guitar sounded terrible.

He must've forgotten his tuna.

So I walked into this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.

I walked over and said: "So, are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

Did you know that someone said you sounded like an owl?

Me: Who?

I found an LP of wasp noises. Played three tracks that sounded nothing like a wasp.

Silly me. I was playing the bee side.

My mom said Vladimir sounded like a diagnosis. I said " I have Vladimir of the prostate"

...because I been Putin stuff in there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the court, the judge asked me how 8-10 years sounded.

I replied "pretty sexy"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

Open Mike Night sounded like a lot of fun...

... Until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy

Cracking open a cold one with the boys sounded like a lot of fun,

until we pulled up to the morgue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of horses was making fun of a miniature horse who sounded weird because he had a sore throat.

One of the horses felt bad for the little guy, and said to his friends, "Leave him alone, he's just a little hoarse."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

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Being a prostitute on the Enterprise sounded interesting...

But actually it's mostly Data entry.

I saw a job posting for an Astronomer and it sounded pretty stress free.

I’d just do a bunch of light reading all day.

Years ago, the idea of "sitting at home staring at your phone" would have sounded sad and pathetic.

Now it just sounds kind of sad and pathetic.

My, how times have changed.

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

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Two men were passing by a synagogue Rosh Hashanah when they heard a loud noise that sounded like a horn.

“What the heck was that?”
“Oh, the Jews are blowing the shofar on their new year.”
“Wow! They know how to treat their help!”

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