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Speaking Jokes

This is your captain speaking

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING .

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Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat,” she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorr...

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied, "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "w...

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An Arab boy is speaking with his father.

“Father, why do we wear these shawls on our head?”

“To keep the harsh sun off our scalp” He answers.

“What about these long robes father?”

“To protect us from the blistering wind that carries stinging sand.” Father says patiently.

“And our sandals?”

“To shield our ...

Vladimir Putin is speaking with his advisors...

"I think when the war is over Russia should become a Kingdom".

"Sir," one of his advisors speaks out, "only a King may lead a Kingdom."

"Very well, Russia shall become an Empire" Putin replies.

Again his advisor speaks out, "only an Emperor can rule over an Empire."

Putin...

What do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists?

The ¿Qué Qué Qué?

My wife asked me why I was speaking softly in the house….

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening.
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

When I'm around my Spanish-speaking friends I always use the word "mucho"...

It means a lot to them.

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

Why weren’t the two math variables speaking to each other?

Because they were x’s

Speaking words of wisdom

Build a man a fire and keep him warm for the night.

Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Pavlov is speaking with a colleague.

Pavlov: I've conditioned a dog to drool when it hears a bell. By ringing a bell before giving it food, it associates the bell with food and starts drooling when it hears it now.
Colleague: Hah, dogs are dumb. How many times did you run this test?
Pavlov: 69 times.
Colleague: Nice!

Remember, Chemically Speaking

Bourbon *is* a solution

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest said,

”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now".

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people ...

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Speaking of foreskins.....

A baby boy was born back in 2015 with a rare condition called Ablepharon-macrostomia syndrome that left him without eyelids.  This happened in my small resort town in upstate NY, it turned that there was a world-renowned plastic surgeon in town and he performed a surgery to correct the condition. Du...

A men on his deathbed was speaking to his wife

"Dear wife. As I'm going to leave I need to make some confessions to you. You remember the time we went camping? I cheated on you with the hippies next tent."

"Oh Darling" answers the wife with a sorrowful face "I suspected it but it is forgiven."

The man continues "And when this nice ...

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Why are Chinese speaking people so good at cunnilingus?

Well, you remember that trick where you trace the alphabet with your tongue.

Girl speaking to her Mum.

A girl says to her Mum, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the girls that haven't got any, Oh and what girls are those Mum asks.?

You know the ones.


The ones on daddy's computer.

I was speaking to a computer technician.

"How do you make a motherboard?" I asked him.

He said, "Tell her about my job."

Someone just asked me how to say no without speaking

Smh

The last time I did any public speaking was the valedictorian speech in high school.

I was the one yelling “You suck!” from the back.

Was speaking to the person who is fixing my hearing aids

Heard nothing since then

Technically speaking

We have all kicked a pregnant woman.

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Two girls are speaking and one tearfully confesses:

\- Oh, Jane, I've a problem: I've never been eaten because my pussy smells a lot like onion.

\- I think you're in luck: I have a friend, Tony, who can't smell absolutely anything. And seeing how beautiful you are, I'm sure you will get along well.

The girl calls the boy, they meet to g...

My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. Sh...

Speaking of loft insulation

I had a man ring the bell the other day and ask if I was interested in getting felt up in the attic, so I punched him in the face and slammed the door.

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English."

One day, I was speaking with a martial arts master.

I asked, "Is it true that you once defeated one hundred men in only a few seconds using the Way of the Fist?"

He replied, "Nay, Palm."

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

Speaking of Corona..

Why hasn't anyone in Antarctica died of Corona yet?

Because they are ICEolated.

A man is speaking at a conference

A man is speaking at a multi lingual conference.
He asks, "can everyone see me?"

The Englishman says "Yes"

The Frenchman says "Oui"

The Spaniard says "Si"

And the German says "Ja"

Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

A Spanish speaking man walks into a clothing store looking to buy some socks

He found his way to the menswear department where a sales clerk offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sales clerk.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Wel...

"This is your Captain speaking..."

"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SCREAMING!

Statistically speaking, 6 out 10 statistics are wrong.

Including this one.

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A 60 yr old man, 70 yr old and an 80 yr old man were speaking one day about what the worst age to be in is

The 60 yr old says: well age 60 is really bad, I have medical problems and can't pee!

The 70 yr old responds: you think that's bad?! I also have medical problems and can't poop!

The 80 yr old responds to both of them with a smirk: well I can both pee and poop everything single day at 7...

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

This is Captain Leonardo Ricardo speaking,

On behalf of my crew and I, I’d like to welcome you on board flight 633 from New York to Abu Dhabi. We are on the air above 38,000 feet across Atlantic Ocean.

If you you look outside the window, you will see that the wing has fallen off and the engine is on fire. If you look down the window,...

How do you know you're speaking with an engineer?

Don't worry they'll tell you.

I got speaking to a soldier the other day

I was interested in his story so I asked him what his rank was but apparently it's a secret; he said it was Private.

Man: Hello, is this hotel manager speaking?

Manager: Yes. What happened Sir?

Man: My wife is arguing with me and saying that she will jump out of the window.

Manger : Sorry Sir, this is your personal issue, we cannot help.

Man: I know, I know but I want help because the window is not opening.

"This is Mission Control speaking, it appears the center of ISS has been critically damaged, is that true?"

"Core wrecked".

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The Problem with Speaking English

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer f...

Statistically speaking

9/11 Americans won't appreciate this joke.

My friend told me to stop speaking in numbers...

but I didn't 1 2.

Did you know there are public speaking potatoes?

Nothing special really, they're just commentaters.

They thought ESPN was very good in Spanish speaking countries

So now they just call it EsBein.

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Speaking of people with unusual physical traits:

I once knew a girl who actually had developed her breasts on her back.

She wasn't what you'd call all that good looking, but man she sure was fun to slow dance with!

The son speaks to his dad

Son: Dad, I've got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married for 25 years.

Dad: Maybe next time you will get a speaking part.

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During the reception a man stands up for his toast and starts speaking cheerfully.

- What a lovely couple you two are, just adorable. And so many wonderful wishes from all of your beloved guests. But if I may, I would like to wish something for myself. I wish for the bride to give me a blowjob.
The guest are shocked, the room goes silent and the groom, a hulk of a man, stands u...

A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.

Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and starte...

Speaking of bad deliveries...

Miscarriage.

I always make sure to say "muchas" near my Spanish speaking friends.

It means a lot to them.

Two blondes speaking: - My boyfriend is a veterinarian.

- Oh, did he fight in a war?
- No, you dumbass, he doesn’t eat meat.

My name is Brett but my Spanish speaking friends call me

Pan.

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