I opened the fridge today and the milk was singing a Michael Jackson song

I think it’s Bad

My Friend Asked Me to Stop Singing “I’m a Believer”. I Thought She Was Joking...

But then I saw her face

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall all the time

I said maybe

What is a group of singing terrorists called?

a taliband

Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing?

Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.

Why can’t the guy singing “Mambo No. 5” can’t decide between all these women?

Because Begas can’t be choosers.

What mumble rap group was also famous for their singing?

The Do-Re-Migos

Did you hear about the singing pirate that had a cataract?

After the surgery, he shall see, shan't he?

My wife is in the house singing.

I’m sitting on the front porch so the neighbors don’t think I’m hitting her

Singing in the shower is fun until you get shampoo in your mouth

then it turns into a soap opera.

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

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The Singing Asshole

Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he has a hidden talent.

Guy- "I can sing out of my asshole"

Bartender- "that's impossible"

Guy- "How about a bet? If I can sing out of my asshole you give me free drinks all night".

The bartender agrees to the bet. The guy proc...

My girlfriend got so mad at me for singing "Semi Charmed Life" all the time...

She said, I want something else...

Nothing beats a girl with a great singing voice

Except Chris Brown

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing "Nessun Dorma"

I think I might have male-aria.

So my friend got annoyed that I kept singing Pompeii by Bastille, so they told me to stop.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

TIL that singing will scare bears.

You just have to be a bearatone.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

I banned my wife from singing Cascada, but I think she is singing it behind my back.

She denies it of course, but everytime we touch I get a feeling

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"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat'."



"Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.

It’s a little flat.

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

Bilbo Baggins woke up in the morning and heard someone singing “Don’t Stop Believing.”

It was an unexpected Journey.

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a Welshman captured by the Taliban

They told them "We're gonna shoot but, you you can have one last request before you go" Welshman said "I'd like a thousand Welshmen singing Land of my Fathers" Scotsman said "I'd like a thousand Scotsman singing the Flower of Scotland" Irishman said "I'd like a thousand Irishmen doing the River Danc...

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

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The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

Yesterday I started singing and dancing by myself at the food court

That's how I learned that flash mobs are planned ahead of time.

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Doctor, I can 't stop singing "What's New, Pussycat."

Hmm...I'll run some tests, but it's probably Tom Jones syndrome.

\--Is that common?

Well, it's not unusual.

My wife told me that she's fed up with me singing all day long.

I told her Don't stop me now.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

Around this time of the year, I start carrying around a stone with me to throw at people who are singing Christmas songs already.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

Today, the items in my bathroom randomly started singing.

It was a great soap opera.

Mum and dad take little Johnny for a singing lesson...

They come back an hour later to pick him up and when the teacher answers the door he says “I think we’ve found the next Elvis!”

“Really?” asked the mum, “Is his voice that good?”
“No, it’s terrible. I mean he just died on the toilet”

My aunt named her son "Shine".

I didn't know why she gave him such an awkward name.

Until one day when I listened to her singing her son to sleep:

"You are my son, Shine,

My only son, Shine..."

\-----

Edit: stupid typo

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

I got thrown out of the ophthalmologist's office today for singing the YMCA.

Turns out you aren't supposed to help people during the eye chart test.

A man with severe anxiety walks into a bar.

He doesn't know anyone, it's noisy, and everything is a blur. He goes straight to the bar and orders a tall glass of red ale, whatever they've got on tap, so the bartender complies.

He downs the entire drink in one go and looks around the bar at all the other patrons talking and mingling, sev...

What kind of pickle is the best at singing?

A dill

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A drunk woman was singing loudly on the street below an apartment building

A man shouts out the window, "There are American Idol auditions down the street."

The drunk woman heard this and was intrigued, "Which street?"

"Any of 'em ya cunt!"

Did you hear about the woman who died while singing in the shower?

She went out on a high note.

The coronavirus actually hits children the hardest with singing.

No one can touch their eyes and ears and mouth and nose.

I used to be poor. Then I started singing on streets for donations.

Now I get donations to not sing on streets

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.

Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.

The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.

The joyous parade of ...

A joke i made

What do you call shaq singing kiss from a rose





Shaquille O'Seal

I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song.

But it turned out it was just a chive talking.

The duck was singing on the street for money

He got fined for selling quack.

He got an extra fine for using fowl language.

He said put the charges on my bill.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...

Then I ripped ass like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.

I keep sneezing and singing ‘My way’ by Sinatra......

I think I’ve got the crooner virus.

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