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Singing Jokes

What do you call a pod of singing killer whales?

An orcapella group

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

Man, nothing beats a beautiful woman with a great singing voice.

… Except Chris Brown.

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

When my wife sings...

Whenever my wife starts singing, i go outside so that my neighbors don't think that I'm hitting her.

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.

It’s a little flat.

My wife asked if I could stop singing ‘Wonderwall’

I said maybe

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.


Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

What does someone with a good singing voice have?

Opera-tune-ities.

(It’s dumb but it’s mine.)

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

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There's this guy who could sing through his butt...

He goes to audition with this producer who has a variety show. The producer asks to hear him, so he drops his drawers and does a medley from "Barber of Seville", in perfect Italian. Well the producer is really impressed. He books him for the Saturday night show.

When the time comes for his ac...

Bilbo Baggins wakes up and hears someone singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’.

It was an unexpected Journey.

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I hate it when I am singing a song...

And the artits gets the words wrong, felt like it was being revised.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth

Then it just becomes a soap opera.

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

Chess, the singing parrot

This guy goes into a pet shop looking for a bird. The shopkeeper brings him to a cage and tells him, “You won’t believe what this parrot Chess can do. He’s wonderfully talented, and his songs will blow your mind. Only $10,000.”

“That’s pretty steep,” he replies. “What’s so amazing about these...

Why did my girlfriend leave?

My girlfriend said we had to have a serious talk. She had enough of me constantly singing “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys. She said if I didn’t stop singing that song, she was done with the relationship and would leave.

I said, “Tell me why?”

I will NEVER get tired of singing "Don't Speak"

I have No Doubt in my mind

What is a singing dinosaur called

A velocirapper

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

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The Singing Asshole

Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he has a hidden talent.

Guy- "I can sing out of my asshole"

Bartender- "that's impossible"

Guy- "How about a bet? If I can sing out of my asshole you give me free drinks all night".

The bartender agrees to the bet. The guy proc...

I've just bought one of those new singing computers.

It's a Dell.

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The singing blowjob

A man is at work and here's his coworkers talking about their wild weekend. Apparently the local brothel has a new prospect who can sing while performing falacio. The man must see this so he goes to the brothel and asks for the service. The maiden agreed told him to go in the room put on a blindfold...

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

My doctor told me to stop singing Frank Sinatra songs as it's bad for my health. But I just wouldn't listen.

And now the end is near.

My wife is in the house singing.

I’m sitting on the front porch so the neighbors don’t think I’m hitting her

Why is Beyonce always singing about going "To the left"?

Because women have no rights.

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If I was the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, I know what I’d be singing

Oh, I’d while away the hours
Wanking in the flowers
My heart all full of song

I’d be guilding every lily
As I waved about my Willy
If I only had a schlong

I told my friend he needs to stop singing Tom Jones at random, he replied...

It's not unusual...

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Yodelling isn't just a form of singing.

It's also a warning that old jedi will fuck you if you're dishonest.
Because Yoda lay he who lie.

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Doctor, I can 't stop singing "What's New, Pussycat."

Hmm...I'll run some tests, but it's probably Tom Jones syndrome.

\--Is that common?

Well, it's not unusual.

The first rule of singing in the bathroom!

The toilet brush must never be used as a microphone

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The Singing Blowjob [NSFW]

So this man go to a massage parlor to get a back massage. After the massage, the masseuse offered him a singing blow job. Intrigued, the man accepts. So the masseuse turned off the lights and started giving him a blowjob. Shortly after beginning she starts singing, in a clear and coherent manor. The...

I don't understand why women love singing "Let it go"...

...Since most of them keep grudges for life.

‘Doctor, I keep spontaneously singing songs by The Who’

‘How long has this been happening?’

‘Ever since I was a young boy…’

I banned my wife from singing Cascada, but I think she is singing it behind my back.

She denies it of course, but everytime we touch I get a feeling

A guy asks his friend "How much would it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

The friend replies with "You mean a choir?"

To which the man says "Sorry, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"

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With great enthusiasm and singing a song

Reagan visits the USSR and is amazed by the capital construction he has seen.

Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic."

Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singi...

My wife asked me to get out of the house because I can’t stop singing Christmas songs.

I said, “But Baby, it’s cold outside.”

My GF begged me to stop singing Linkin Park

I tried so hard.

A singing teacher told her eager student 'You should have taken up singing earlier'. The student asks 'Why? Do you think the extra practice would make me a star?'

'No' replies the teacher 'but you would have given up by now'

"Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop singing 'I Want It That Way'."

Doctor: "Tell me why."

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

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Singing blowjob (NSFW)

One of my friends was a sailor in the navy many moons ago. He was out on deployment for long periods of time, and being a ship without women, he was naturally frisky.

They arrived at an island to resupply and the crew were given leave - so he makes his way to the nearest tavern and enquires o...

TIL that singing will scare bears.

You just have to be a bearatone.

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A guy is in a bathroom stall having a shit when he hears the guy in the next cubicle singing.

"Hey," he says. "I know that tune. That's The Beatles."

"Very good," says the guy in the next stall.

"Would you like to hear some of The Stones?" he says.

The guy pauses, and says, "Yes, go on then."

"OK," he grunts. "Let me just push a bit harder."

I walked in on my wife singing the other day.

Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio."

Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?"

"No," I replied, "I came to turn it off."

Did you hear that The Beatles once judged a singing competition?

They were the Hey-Judeicators.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

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