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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her fitness trainer.

Me: "Okay, this isn't working out."

I just bought a pair of trainers from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeh, I gave 'em my too weak notice

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I know the best trainer in the NFL just happens to be a homosexual.

He can turn a tight end into a wide receiver.

My friend hired a personal trainer a year before his wedding.

I thought wow, how long is the aisle going to be?

Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . .

He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

Did you know that Cardi B has a twin fitness trainer?

Her name is Cardi O

I've hired my cannibal friend to become my personal trainer...

I guess if I don't succeed at losing the weight I've got him there with me to Chew The Fat...

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A boy starts his first day working at walmart

A boy starts his first day at walmart.
His trainer says to him " I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd"
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says " can I help you mam?"
Lady goes "Ya I'm looking for some garden hose."
T...

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners and did wonderfully in workouts. In actual races, however, he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be neutered.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever.<...

I caught my wife having s*x with her personal trainer

I said: this isn't working out

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A guy is outraged after finding his wife having sex with her gym trainer and demands an explanation.

She replies "It was my cheat day."

I met Jesus's personal trainer the other day

He was making a pretty big prophet

A Vegan, Jehovah Witness and Keto Trainer walk into a bar...

* Everybody Leaves *

My personal trainer said she wanted me to do a push workout.

I've since been arrested for trying to pull her jogging bottoms down.

I wanted to finally have a six-pack so girls would like me so I hired a personal trainer to work me out...

...I quit after two days because I couldn't take the ab use.

Posh dad Joke: Every week I’d have a shoe stolen after gym

Like, could be a school shoe or a trainer or a rugby boot. Every week I had one stolen. It would be returned the next day or be at lost property but every week I lost a shoe.

After weeks of this happening I told my dad. He looked me in the eye and said “every week, you have a shoe stolen. Are...

Personal trainer just got 9 years for selling drugs.

Been going to him for years...just shows that you never really know someone. Had no idea he was a personal trainer.

I went to my gym last week and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in!

Anyway, she made a formal complaint and I’m banned for life

I asked the carnival worker how the trainer had taught the duck to dance.

He said I don't know, I only turn the hot plate on.

I was on an Australian tour, and handled a koala bear. The trainer told me to wash my hands, as koala bears are known to have chlamydia.

In all honesty, the koala should probably wash *his* hands.

How does a Pokemon trainer respond to depression?

With an escape rope.

[Long] A body builder was showing off in the mirror at his gym.

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by...

What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Ash

To whoever stole my trainers and high-vis jacket :

You can run but you can’t hide.

I met up with my impersonal trainer today

We went to the gym,i stood there eating snacks and he worked out,then we said our farewells and parted ways.

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

The Photographer

>A Los Angeles agent representing a wealthy photographer called and asked to speak to his client. "Brittany, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
>
>The photographer replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
> ...

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A man was trying to lose weight

A man was trying to lose weight and stumbled upon an advertisement by a company that advertised weight loss of 10 pounds over the course of just one week. He decided he had nothing to lose so he decided to give it a try.

The very next day his training sessions started. He was greeted by a stu...

A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.

Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client, as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress. ...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you u...

I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.

He said, “Knock yourself out!”

What do Pokemon trainers take when they can't get an erection?

PP UP

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On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia.

I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

I fired my personal trainer today.

I couldn't handle the ab use.

My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning.

But that's whey past my bedtime.

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My personal trainer told me to eat all of my meals naked in front of a mirror to help me eat less.

It didn't do anything for me, but boy were the other people in the restaurant pissed off.

I said to my personal trainer, “Can you teach me how to do the splits?”

He replied, “How flexible are you?” I said “I can’t do Tuesdays.”

Young Gulls

The dolphin trainers at the state zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young se...

Why did the guy stop trusting his personal trainer?

He kept pulling his leg.

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What's a Health Club Trainer's job?

Making, JERKS BEEFY!

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

My gym trainer asked me to eat as much as possible to gain weight. I can't handle eating so much.

I'm fed up.

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A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

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A young airman returns home early from paratrooper school

Dad: "Well son, how was the first plane jump?"

Son: "It was terrifying. I was the last one who was supposed to jump during training and I was so scared I just couldn't do it."

Dad: "Well so what happened?"

Son: "The trainer started chewing me out. He's a huge man in every way an...

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What does a pokemon trainer use as substitute for viagra?

PP up.

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What’s the difference between a bunch of bugs and Dwayne Johnson’s personal trainers?

One is a group of cockroaches, the other’s a bunch of Rock coaches

My friend really enjoys stealing trainers.

That's what he does for kicks.

An older guy starts working out at gym with a personal trainer. Soon after, a really fine looking woman came in and started working out.

The older guy looks to his personal trainer, “what machine can I use to impress her?”

“The ATM in the lobby,” the trainer replies.

A new employee on his first day working at Walmart.

A new employee is being trained on the first day of his job. His supervisor explains to him how to do his job.

“The trick is to lead customers to products based on what they want. Let me demonstrate.”

A customer approaches and explains that he needs something for his garden, and the tr...

My personal trainer said I should reduce my fats.

I already do, though. By eating them.

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

**Trainer:** It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

A race steward noticed a horse trainer giving his horse something.

He confronts the man, "What are you giving that horse?" the steward demands. "Just some sugar cubes to give him a little energy" the trainer replies, popping one into his own mouth. "Here, try one", the trainer offers. The steward slips one of the sweet cubes past his lips. "Very well, carry on", sa...

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

A mermaid finally got off the couch and hit the gym once she found a dolphin physical trainer.

She moved with a porpoise.

A lion tamer had quit without notice and the circus manager needed someone to replace him for the next night's show.

He out an ad in the local paper and the next morning two applicants showed up outside his office. One was a rather ordinary looking young man and the other was a rather ravishing red headed beauty. Neither one of them looked very much like a lion trainer, but the manager was desperate.

"All r...

Why couldn't the pokemon trainer catch Mewtwo?

He didn't have the balls

My personal trainer was giving me advice.

He said, "You have to have a life outside the gym."

I was so offended that I walked out with my sleeping bag.

The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well.

I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.

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A teenager was stabbed to death in a shopping mall over a stolen pair of trainers.

Those security guards don't fuck about.

What did the nihilistic sea world trainer say to his boss?

"There is no porpoise."

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What does Bill Cosby have in common with a Pokemon trainer?

He makes sure his catch is weak before he throws his balls at them.

Went to the gym today and cheered everyone on for an hour. On the way out the trainer stopped me...

Confused he asked me what I was doing at the gym. So I told him exactly what I was doing:
"Lifting Spirits"

As a child I wanted to be a personal trainer but I ended up as a politician.

At least I still convince absolute idiots that change is being made.

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!"

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.

My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.

What's the difference between a personal trainer and a bully?

None, they still take your money after beating you up.

My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV

Man... I love Netflix!

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